Contemplating divorce is hard. Really hard. And deciding whether or not to get divorced in the first place may be the hardest part of all.
Often when we are approaching big decisions, especially life changing decisions, we start by asking ourselves questions. We can meditate and go over it in our mind for days, weeks, months and yes, even years. This struggle is totally and utterly confusing, not to mention exhausting.
You may know something is wrong in your relationship but you don’t know what to do, or how to fix it. Perhaps you feel deeply torn and worry about how divorce will impact your family and your children. You worry that whatever steps you take will be irreversible and that the life you end up with will be way worse than the life you know.
If you feel as if you are spinning endlessly, asking yourself, “Should I or Shouldn’t I?” there are 3 things you can do that will help you to stop that spinning, and gain clarity and momentum toward a resolution:
1. Find a partner
When you are in that place of spinning, you need to talk with someone you can trust. We recommend it be a professional if possible. Whom you share with is important.
What kind of professional?
• The guidance counselor at your kids school
• A consultation with a lawyer
• A therapist who will help you focus with the emotional aspects
• An advisor, or coach like us, who guides you through the whole process
What if you do not have access to a professional? Ask yourself:
• Whom do I really respect?
• Who will keep my story confidential?
• Who will give me genuine, constructive feedback?
• Who will suspend her/his own vested interests in my life?
2. Educate yourself.
The unknown is the scariest part. So it’s important to start gathering information. Armed with information, you will not only make more informed choices, but you’ll feel more in control of the situation.
• Find out what divorce laws are in your state
• Ask your friends if they have attorneys they would recommend
• Look for support groups in your area
• Look for free information: Go to workshops and attend webinars, sign up for free eBooks and newsletters and learn everything you can
3. Take a step everyday.
Often we stall or avoid things that we really don’t want to do or that are painful for us. However, this results in weeks and months slipping by without any progress. Instead, do one thing each day. Even if it’s very small, take a step:
• Open a new bank account of your own
• Start a journal
• Make plans with a friend
• Schedule a meeting with an attorney or accountant
• Start looking online for a new house or apartment
• Reach out to someone you know who has been through a divorce
The key is to get out of your head and make a move, no matter how small. One step will lead to another and you will begin to see and feel things differently. Understand that taking a step does not mean you are necessarily getting a divorce. It means you are finding out about your rights and your choices, and from there you will make the right decision.
Again, the 3 Things You Can Do are 1) find a partner 2) educate yourself, and 3) take a step each day. For more advice and free support around coping with divorce, visit our resources page or contact us for free feedback on your specific story.