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Divorce in New York

The Reality of Divorce in New York

People know New York for its glitz, glamour, and grit. Everything’s loud, over-caffeinated and fast-paced. For some who experience the loneliness of all this, there can be the feeling of being left out, of never being enough, of someone else always lining up to replace you. But despite all of this, or in response, New Yorkers are equally known for being tough and seemingly invulnerable. Even when it comes to romance. Romance, New York style is often over the top or of the quirky variety, the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet. Think Carrie and Mr. Big. Harry and Sally. Jane Fonda and Robert Redford in Barefoot in the Park. It’s the kind of romance they write love songs about. Until it’s not. But divorce in New York? Well, in most of our minds, breakups are equally cinematic. Flash to messy scenes from the Real Housewives of New York, or nuggets of gossip passed privately through whispers, then splashed across Page Six for anyone to see.

Yet, for all those clichés, in reality, divorce in New York State is far more mundane than any image you carry in your mind. In fact, according to the Center for Disease Control, the divorce rate in New York in 2011 was 2.9 for every 1,000 residents. That’s a lower rate than most states in the country!

Of course, when the divorce is happening to us it doesn’t have to be the literal end of the world to feel like it’s the end of ours. Your divorce might come as a complete shock, or it may seem like a long time coming. Either way, it can all feel surreal, like you’re having an out of body experience. How you wish it were just a movie! Yet, this is your life. You are getting a divorce. And throughout your divorce, the surprises may keep coming, bringing out the worst and the best of you.

You may not be feeling so much like Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City—young and colorful and ready to take on the world—as you are Sarah Jessica Parker in HBO’s Divorce, a little jaded and angry, feeling dull around the edges but looking for reasons to hope.

If that’s you, if you’re done considering divorce or have had divorce forced upon you, then here’s a primer highlighting what to expect when getting a divorce in New York.

Divorce law in New York

In New York, there are two kinds of divorces, a contested divorce and an uncontested divorce.

In an uncontested divorce, the most trouble-free approach, you and your husband agree about the need for a divorce and you believe you will come to terms on how your property gets divided and how your children are cared for. On your own or with the help of lawyers or a mediator, you and your husband come to an agreement on everything and do not need the court to get involved to divide assets or make decisions about spousal or child support or custody.

Typically, an uncontested divorce moves more quickly through the system. It’s less complicated and less expensive. You will likely never set foot inside a courtroom with an uncontested divorce.

In a contested divorce, you and your husband are not in agreement about any or all of these things. (Hello, your marriage?) If there are disagreements, and often there are, you will likely need the help of a legal professional(s) to resolve them. The more intense the disagreements, the more expensive the process can become and the greater risk you run of having to go to court to have a judge decide.

Many couples will begin the process of a contested divorce and then, before trial, reach an agreement. This is a settlement.

Thanks to the Internet, though, it’s become increasingly popular to consider a Pro Se or DIY divorce and thereby eliminate the costs of lawyers. Couples who do this successfully are couples who are almost always in agreement. (Hmmm.) They are doing an uncontested divorce.

Ask yourself:

  • Are you and your husband really in agreement about everything?
  • What are the critical issues?
  • Do you understand the finances?
  • Do you understand spousal support?
  • What about child support?
  • What are your options for custody arrangements?
  • How are you going to handle your debt? Whose debt is whose?

Our experience is that most women do not know these things, nor do their husbands—but the idea of saving money on legal fees (or being bullied into the DIY process) blinds them from finding out what they are each entitled to by law. There’s a phrase, “You don’t know what you don’t know,” and it couldn’t be more aptly used for this scenario.

How can you split things up if you don’t understand what you’re splitting — like the finances (are you aware of their long-term tax implications?) Or what negotiated variable is going to benefit you more in the long run? You need feedback from someone who’s an expert on your situation.

In short, we recommend you NOT consider a DIY or online approach unless you have no children, there is no debt and little or no assets, and the marriage has not been for very long. And if you do pursue a DIY model, we encourage you to consult with an attorney privately at least once (but preferably throughout your completing the paperwork).

Divorce facts in New York

New York also allows you to get either an at-fault divorce (you must prove your husband is responsible for the need to divorce) or a no-fault divorce.

For most people, it’s easier to seek a no-fault divorce. You don’t have to prove anything other than the relationship is irretrievably broken. “To qualify” in New York, the relationship must be broken for at least six months. Also, New York usually requires that you or your spouse have lived in New York State for at least one year before you can file for divorce.

New York is often associated with all things progressive and liberal, but it was actually the last state in the country to allow no-fault divorce. That means that until 2010, getting a divorce in New York almost always meant that one spouse had to prove the other spouse did something wrong and is to blame. What’s more cinematic than a jilted lover or “cold-heartedly” calculating your actions to create a case where you are the wronged party? It’s a recipe for disaster, for heightening emotions and irrational behavior—for people to lash out and for proceedings to get ugly and expensive and to heighten the risk of going to court.

This said, you can still get an at-fault divorce in New York. To do so, a spouse must have the “legal grounds,” which usually involves adultery, cruel or inhuman treatment, or abandonment. Most divorce lawyers in New York will advise you not to go the at-fault route no matter the dramatic details you may throw their way. It is generally considered a poor use of resources to have a trial on grounds now since the system no longer requires it.

With this in mind, you will want to make sure you understand why your lawyer is pushing for an at-fault divorce, such as “cruel and inhuman treatment,” and how it will benefit your situation as opposed to pursuing a no-fault divorce. We had a client, for example, whose husband had serious mental health issues and refused to seek treatment. Her lawyer filed an at-fault divorce for “cruel and inhuman treatment” as a strategy to protect the children and to impact the custody arrangement, so the children were not left alone with him until he was fully recovered, healthy and functioning.

New York is an equitable distribution state

In New York, assets (the things you own) get divided through “equitable distribution,” meaning, in general, everything you owned prior to getting married is your separate property and everything acquired after your marriage gets divided as fairly as possible.

The separation of property—how you will divide it up—is negotiated between you and your husband, or more likely, by your lawyers after they have consulted with each of you, or with the help of a mediator. But it has to be done well and fairly enough that the court will sign off on the agreement.

These are just a few of the facts that come into play when discussing divorce in New York. There is more you’ll want to know before you proceed further. But we don’t want to contribute to sensory overload.

What matters most is that you are not going to do it all at once, but you will want to be in a position to learn and come to understand what your options are before you make decisions about your property, the debt, child support, custody, spousal support, legal fees, insurance, and more. You might need an order of protection if abuse is a concern, which complicates matters even further.

This is why, whether you pursue a DIY approach, or go to mediation, or use a collaborative attorney, we urge you to get educated on what your choices are first.

Read Divorce in New York: 10 Things to Know Before Seeing a Lawyer

Divorce court

You must know that about five percent of all divorce cases go to full-blown trial. Less than five percent. So turn the television off. The standard way people divorce is still the traditional one, of your hiring an attorney to represent your interests and your husband hiring an attorney to represent his. Your lawyer meets with you individually, as does your husband’s, and then the lawyers negotiate the settlement through phone calls or meetings.

Divorce negotiations are different from negotiations in most other legal matters in that clients usually attend the meetings—known as “four-ways”, with their lawyers. If one side fails to negotiate or settle, then the risk of going to court does increase, and both parties must attend every court appearance with their lawyers. This traditional approach is still the best way for the less-moneyed or less-powerful spouse (the one who lacks money or knowledge about the finances) to get a fair share.

Diversify your insight into how you will divorce

On the plus side of living in New York is that the city and the state can often be frontrunners of change. Just by virtue of your living within New York’s boundaries, there are far more resources available to you than people living in other parts of the country. Take advantage of those resources, like law schools that offer free legal aid, or referral services offered by the New York Legal Bar Association.

You don’t have to rely on visiting a lawyer and learning things the expensive way as most people have done in the past. There are now people like us, the divorce coach, who can help you learn about divorce (and yourself) before you commit to anything. A certified and experienced divorce coach can also connect you to vetted lawyers and other experts — like a certified divorce financial analyst (who can help you answer the money questions). How you choose to divorce matters for your children and your own recovery.

How long does a divorce take in New York?

Okay, we know, you are maxing out. You want to hear how long this is going to take. If we are talking only about the legal aspect to the divorce and not your recovery and healing, than the time it takes to finalize a divorce depends on two things: how motivated you and your spouse are to organize your papers and documents and to push your attorneys to negotiate the agreement and how busy the court that receives and officializes your settlement agreement is.

For some people, it can take as little as six weeks, for others, six months or more for an uncontested divorce. With a contested divorce, there is no way of forecasting it, but certainly, a deciding factor would be when the money runs out.

What’s certain is that divorce anywhere is a (long) process, and while that wait can be frustrating, it also means you won’t be able to jump into anything without thinking it through first (and that might just be a blessing in disguise).

Divorce support groups for women in New York

There are over eight million people living in New York City and more than twice that in New York State. You are not the only one “feeling lost in New York,” or like everything’s falling apart even as you try to put it back together. We say this a lot but only because it’s true: You are not alone. If your couple friends have disappeared and disappointed you, you are lucky to live in a city and state where there are many divorced women and men—and the stigma of divorce is not as pronounced as it may be somewhere else.

Your job is to connect with those people who understand what you are going through and get educated on what your choices are and who you want to be as you make these important decisions. You might consider joining an online education-driven support group with other women who share similar experiences and who seek to find their voice and change their circumstances for the better. Women just like you.

Remember, divorce in New York rarely looks the same as it does on TV, where the drama’s amped to increase ratings and to get you coming back. This is a process none of us wants to experience even once, let alone come back to. Your divorce doesn’t have to be so dramatic. You can choose to let go the theatrics because they don’t serve you, your Ex, or your children, and to focus on what you do control: getting educated fully before you commit to any one path or decision, and to move through the process smartly and with the greatest sense of integrity and compassion for everybody — including you. 

For more steps to help you with divorce join us for your free 45-minute consultation.

Since 2012 smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to help them through the emotional and often times complicated experience of divorce. For emotional support and structured guidance now, consider Annie’s Group, our virtual divorce support and coaching class for women thinking about divorce or beginning the process. Schedule your 15-minute chat to learn if this education is right for you, where you are in your life, and most importantly, where you want to go.

 

This article was authored for SAS for Women by Melanie Figueroa, a writer and content editor who loves discussing women’s issues and creativity. Melanie helps authors and small businesses improve their writing and solve their editorial needs.

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

credit: weheartit.com

How Much Does a Divorce Cost?

“How much does a divorce cost?” is one of the first questions we often hear when a woman makes contact with us, while “how long will a divorce take?” is a close second. We wish there were a menu to refer you to, so you could evaluate your choices and pick and choose items à la carte. However, the correct, though immensely unsatisfying answer to both questions is, “It depends.”

That doesn’t mean you should stop investigating your options. It’s important for you to be educated on your choices so you learn what’s possible for your life. The following insights, shared by NYC divorce attorney Orrit Hershkovitz will help you get started on whether your divorce will cost a few thousand dollars or several hundreds of thousands, and whether it will take several months or several years.

So how much DOES a Divorce Cost?  That depends upon…

1. The process you select

There are various methods to dissolve a marriage. Mediation, in which a neutral professional (usually a lawyer or mental health professional) facilitates a resolution between the parties, is generally the most economical means of ending a marriage. Participants can be represented by counsel (their own lawyers) throughout the process. Another option is collaborative divorce, a process that requires both parties to agree in advance not to go to court, and to retain new counsel if they do. While these two models of divorce sound very appealing to most people (they sound amicable, they sound cheap) not all couples are suited to mediation or collaborative divorce, particularly if one spouse has not been, or will not be, given access to the financial information and documentation necessary to make an informed decision, or fears for his or her safety or the safety of his or her children. One or both individuals may also prefer not to negotiate directly with the other spouse.

To learn more about mediation and the collaborative law approach to divorce, we encourage you to take advantage of your free, 45-minute SAS for Women consultation (– provided you identify with being a woman). We’ll hear what’s going on in your story and give you direct feedback on what might be the better options for your situation.

Another choice for divorcing is the more traditional approach: hiring a lawyer to negotiate on your behalf.

Hiring a lawyer does not necessarily mean you and your spouse are headed to divorce court.

An agreement may be negotiated (as in an uncontested divorce), either directly or through counsel, without ever stepping foot in a courtroom. Litigation (or a contested divorce) though unavoidable in some instances, will often increase a couple’s costs.

In a contested divorce, court fees will be incurred. Such fees will include the cost of filing a divorce action and other paperwork required to obtain a divorce decree, and may include fees for making applications (or “motions”) to the court. In New York, for instance, the current filing fees to obtain a divorce amount to almost $400; the fee to make a motion is $45. Obviously, the longer the litigation continues, the more you can expect to pay for your (and possibly your spouse’s) attorney’s fees. Additional funds may be expended on the service of legal documents (e.g., summonses and subpoenas), transcripts, and the preparation of court orders (e.g., Qualified Domestic Relations Orders necessary to distribute certain retirement assets).

2. The number and complexity of the issues that are contested

Some divorces appear simple from the start. The parties, for instance, may have no children or no substantial assets or debts. Or a divorcing couple may have already discussed and agreed upon a resolution of all issues. Other cases are more complex. Not only may the parties not agree on the issues of parental decision-making and access, but they may also have assets that are not easily divisible (e.g., a work of art, a business), need to be valued (e.g., a house, stock options) or sold. But the nature of the issues themselves is only part of the equation.

Any acrimony between the parties can also delay the resolution of even the simplest issue.

By contrast, the parties’ willingness to compromise and cooperate can facilitate the resolution of even the most complex issue. Thus, as with your choice of process, you and your spouse can control the cost and length of your divorce by choosing whether, when, and how to conciliate in a dispute.

3. The lawyer you hire

The lawyer you select to represent you, and the lawyer your spouse may select to represent him or her, is another significant factor that will affect the length and cost of your divorce. The range of hourly fees charged by lawyers varies widely across the country. Even in large legal markets, hourly rates can range from approximately $250 to $750. Where a lawyer falls on that spectrum usually depends on his or her experience, reputation, and the size of his or her firm. The complexity of the case is more likely to affect a lawyer’s retainer fee, which is an advance payment intended to cover at least the lawyer’s initial work on the case.

Read this SAS post for 7 ways to pay for a divorce attorney.

Equally important as a lawyer’s fees is the fit between you and your lawyer. Your chemistry. You should not only be confident in your lawyer’s abilities, but also comfortable with how he or she is advancing your case. Do you feel protected? Understood? Is your lawyer prompt in responding to your calls and e-mails? If the answer to any of these questions is “no,” not only may your choice of lawyer affect the cost and time it takes for you to get divorced, but you may also be dissatisfied with the end result.

If this chemistry issue is starting to sound like a “relationship,” it is. As in any relationship – indeed, as in marriage itself – the compatibility between lawyer and client is critical. Choose wisely.

4. Where you live

How much a divorce will cost tends to correlate with the cost of living in a particular locale. Not only will legal (and especially attorneys’) fees be higher in areas in which it is more expensive to live, but you may also have to pay more child and spousal support. If you live in Los Angeles, Miami, New York City, or other major city, you can expect to pay more than someone living in Hope, Kentucky, for instance.

5. Whether you need experts

If there are substantial assets, you may need an expert to value a business or a pension, or appraise real property or personal property such as art, jewelry, or other collectibles. You may also want to consult with an accountant, financial advisor, or other experts for advice about the potential tax or financial implications of a proposed settlement. If custody is contested, the court may appoint a child custody evaluator to assist the court in making its determination. An attorney for the child or children may also be appointed.

In summary, the decisions that you and your spouse make, and how you conduct yourselves, in the divorce process can, at least to some extent, affect how long your divorce will take and how much it will cost.

Focus on the factors you can control.

Understanding and choosing a process and lawyer wisely as early as possible will help to control your financial and emotional costs. Consider making a free appointment with SAS for Women to learn your next steps, what process might be especially good for you, and for referrals to vetted legal professionals. Or make a list of your questions, your assets and debts, and make an appointment with a divorce attorney who can give you concrete feedback on your unique story.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while navigating the divorce experience and striving to recover and rebuild. SAS offers women six FREE months of private email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future self.

“Step forth. It’s okay if you fall. Life — your life — is calling you.” 

Orrit Hershkovitz, a partner at Barton LLP, represents individuals in all aspects of family and matrimonial law, including divorce, parental custody and access, child and spousal support, property distribution, relocation, enforcement, and the negotiation of pre-nuptial, post-nuptial, and separation agreements. In addition to her work representing private clients, Orrit is also an active supporter of Sanctuary for Families, a non-profit organization that provides comprehensive services to victims of domestic violence. 

 

 

Divorce with kids can be challenging.

8 Things to Get You Through Divorce with Kids

It seems a truism that parenting is hard. But when you’re in the midst of a divorce, or trying to rebuild your life as a newly-single parent, the challenges multiply and can even strike you unawares. For support and solace — to get through a divorce with kids no matter their age — follow these important suggestions and practices below. Doing so will lessen the bumps as much as possible for you, for your children, and for the entire family.

Retain some consistency

Research shows children thrive on consistency. Wherever possible, bring a sense of familiarity to their changing lives. This can apply to your own decisions, big and small—like whether to move within the neighborhood or keep dinner at the usual time. It can also mean working with your Ex to create consistent rules and habits between both your households.

Put your children’s well-being first

In some cases, you may need an emergency or temporary custody order from a court to ensure your children stay out of harm’s way. Or perhaps the opposite is true, and you need to admit that allowing your children to spend time with your Ex is for the best, even if you don’t personally like it. In every decision, ask yourself what would most benefit your young ones.

Find common ground with your Ex

As much as you can, put the past aside so you can focus on the best future for your children. Compromise wherever you can, so you don’t get caught up in “winning.” The more divorcing spouses are able to come up with their own solutions, the faster the legal proceedings can end. Maybe you’re in a deadlock over who gets the house, but can you at least start by agreeing that the kids should remain in their school?

Make a detailed parenting plan

Everything you and your Ex agree on regarding coparenting should go into a parenting plan for approval by a judge. To avoid confusion or debate, make your plan as detailed as possible. Think about specifics like who can apply for a passport for the kids or how long you’ll wait if your Ex is late for a pickup. A parenting plan template can walk you through commonly included items so nothing is missed. Include anything important to you, so there’s no room for ambiguity.

Consider your children’s ages

Children process divorce differently depending on their developmental stage. Make sure your conversations about the divorce are age-appropriate, as is the coparenting schedule you select. Infants and toddlers need frequent contact with parents to develop secure relationships. Older children are able to handle longer periods away from each parent, but need their social lives accounted for.

Know and understand, that regardless of your children’s age, they are entitled to certain rights regarding their relationship with you and their father.

Be flexible

Even long after your divorce, unanticipated situations will arise. If you and your Ex can make decisions together as you go, rather than returning to court or mediation, life will be much easier. Your parenting plan itself may need to change, too. Coparents often modify their plans multiple times as their children grow.

Attend coparenting counseling

Coparenting counseling combines parenting education topics (child development, disciplinary methods, etc.) with counseling specific to your situation. The counselor can help you and your Ex work on things like communication and emotion management together or separately. Sessions can lead to a smoother transition not only for the two of you but for the whole family.

Get help wherever possible

Resources are plentiful for women going through divorce with kids. Don’t be ashamed to use as many as are helpful to you. Go to a large bookstore and look in the self help section. Often you will find a divorce section and in particular, books about divorce and kids: adult book and children’s books. Have you contacted your children’s school and asked what resources they recommend? Investigate them. Your court’s self-help center can help explain the legal processes of divorce with kids. Custody software like Custody X Change can help organize your coparenting. You also have support groups and classes at your fingertips.

This article was authored by Shea Drefs: senior editor and researcher at Custody X Change, a custody software solution. Custody X Change provides software for developing and managing custody agreements, parenting plans, and schedules.

 

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “Divorce can be on your terms.” – SAS For Women

 

Getting through a divorce

Getting Through a Divorce: How to Keep Your Head Straight

Getting through a divorce will be one of the most difficult experiences of your life. And your difficulties will start at the very beginning.

If you were the one who decided that divorce was the best way to change the difficulties in your marriage, you know the agony you experienced in coming to your decision. You second-guessed yourself again and again, and throughout your struggle to reach a decision, you faced uncertainties and fears.

Yet, because of your uncertainties and fears, you gathered information, worked through some of your emotions, and maybe planned a bit to make your transition from married to singledom easier.

Easier, but not easy. Telling your spouse you’re finished is definitely not easy. And once he* knows, things will get more difficult because it isn’t just about you anymore — and what your thinking and feeling internally. Now you’re both dealing with the repercussions of your decision. But your partner, or soon-to-be Ex, will not be in sync with you. He’s going to need time to metabolize what all this means.

If your divorce has been forced upon you, then the beginning of your divorce journey was probably shocking. Maybe it was upsetting because you never thought your spouse would actually go through with it. Or maybe you never even saw it coming.

And because your divorce isn’t of your choosing, you’re stuck playing catch up. You must find some way to not only make sense of what’s happening but to begin taking the necessary legal steps to end your marriage.

You also need to accept that you’re not in sync with him. He has been preparing for divorce emotionally, practically, and maybe even legally before you even knew what was happening.

Whichever side of the divorce decision you were on, there are times when you’re probably thinking, “It’s not fair.” And you’d be right. It’s not, but fairness has nothing to do with the realities of getting through a divorce—only (hopefully) with the legal divorce process.

So, no matter how your divorce journey begins, getting through a divorce is not intuitive. It’s difficult emotionally and logistically.

Yet, there are concrete thoughts that you can hold onto that will help you as you continue on your divorce journey:

You’re getting divorced for a reason

It’s heartbreaking to think about ending your marriage when you consider the shared hopes and dreams you and your spouse had at the start. Yet there’s still an important reason your divorce is happening right now; your marriage is broken beyond repair. So, take a deep breath and remember you are here, going through a divorce. It’s in motion.

Seeking justice for your emotional pain will not serve you

No-fault divorce is a very good thing. It means that people can get divorced without having to prove that one or the other has done something so reprehensible that it requires the marriage to be dissolved.

What it also means is that the courts don’t care about your emotional pain. They know divorce hurts. They know that getting through a divorce is probably one of the most difficult things you’ve ever faced. But that doesn’t change the fact that there are no laws to help you extract justice for the hurt you’re feeling.

All that insisting the courts make your spouse pay in some way for the pain you’re feeling will get you is higher legal fees. It will never ever truly ease your hurt.

Create goals that you can stay focused on

In general, goals are like guideposts. They allow you to channel your energy and thoughts toward achieving them.

When you’re going through a divorce, good solid goals can be the touchstones that remind you to stay focused on the big picture.

For example, if you have children, you may want to make their safety, security, health, and happiness throughout and beyond your divorce a goal. To reach your goal, you’ll want to develop your list of nonnegotiables. You’ll also want to know where you can be softer in your negotiations.

Remember your children are watching and learning

As you’re getting through a divorce, you are modeling for your children how to deal with stress, disappointment, and monumental life changes. Would you want your children to behave and react as you are?

If you don’t have children, get clear on the image of you and who you want to be

At one extreme you could be the woman who is completely unclear about what she wants outside of wanting her soon-to-be Ex to suffer horribly not only through the divorce but for the rest of his life. You might be willing to do whatever you can to ensure his suffering.

At the other extreme, you could be the leader through this challenge. You could focus on what you want and go about making it happen.

Keeping these thoughts in mind will definitely help you get through your divorce.

Yet, it’s almost impossible to do on your own

The real key to getting through a divorce is having someone you can turn to for support, someone who is your partner in thinking through every step of your divorce. A thinking partner is someone who can help you not only make it through your divorce but put the plans in place so you can thrive after it, too. A thinking partner has perspective.

The mistake most people make is using their lawyer as their sounding board. There are a couple of real problems with doing so. First, a divorce lawyer is an expert in the law—not how to help you get through your divorce. Second, when you use your lawyer as your thinking partner for anything other than legal issues, you’re wasting your money and energy—both of which are precious.

Having a strategy for how to think is just part of what you need to keep your head straight as you’re getting through a divorce

You also need to know it’s not only OK but necessary to let go of a few things:

  • Ancillary characters in your life and their less than helpful opinions. Save your energy, and do not overshare.
  • Continuing to be a superstar at work and everywhere else throughout your divorce. You cannot do everything well right now. Pick and choose where you put your efforts.
  • Being available to everyone for their needs. The simple truth is that you can’t be everything to everyone else right now. You’ve got to focus on you, so you come out strong in the end.

Without question, getting through a divorce is hard. However, you know now what’s important to keep straight in your head. And with this knowledge, you’ll be able to take the appropriate actions and make the appropriate decisions to get through your divorce, lessening the pain and diminishing your risk of regrets as much as possible.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of Divorce.

”A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.” – SAS for Women

 

* We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as a “he.”

How to get through a divorce and heal

How to Get Through a Divorce and Heal: The X Factor of a Divorce Coach

The idea that a divorce coach can help you figure out how to get through a divorce and heal might surprise you.

You’re probably familiar with the more practical aspects of working with a divorce coach, for coaches are particularly good at helping you understand and navigate the black and white logistics of divorce. Often, those parts are easier for people to understand.

For example, a certified and experienced divorce coach will help you understand your options when it comes to finding the right divorce process for you and your family. The right process is critical to achieving an outcome that will allow all of you to not only survive the process in one piece but to move on, rebuild and thrive afterward.

How to get through a divorce: the nuts and bolts

After helping you understand the different ways to divorce, and which may be the right approach for you, your divorce coach will help you find the right lawyer to consult or work with. A key piece your coach will help you with is making sure you ask the right questions. You’ll appreciate having somewhere to go after speaking with a lawyer, too—as you begin the process of metabolizing what the lawyer actually said; and then, developing your strategy for moving forward.

When it comes to the financial aspects of the divorce itself and your life post-divorce, your divorce coach can play a vital role.

“It’s a sad fact that even today many women aren’t especially financially literate,” says Trisha, a divorced mother living in Manhattan with her three young boys. “We’ve allowed our spouses to control the money while we focus our attention elsewhere. When we’re on our own, it all becomes so overwhelming—like we’re starting back from square one.”

It’s because of this that your divorce coach will be invaluable in helping you understand the impact your divorce will have on your finances.

She’ll support you in making smart financial decisions that take into account your specific situation and goals. She’ll also introduce you to exceptionally qualified and reliable financial experts should you need their expertise.

“Your divorce coach will help you figure out how to make all the moving pieces of your daily life work together—a new living situation, a job, child care. Even car maintenance,” says Trisha.

In other words, throughout the confusing, frustrating, and frightening process of divorce one of the critical roles your divorce coach will fill for you is being your “thinking partner.” She will be there with you every step of the way to help ensure that you understand the nitty-gritty details of how to get through a divorce. Armed with that knowledge, you can make the best decisions possible.

But how to get through a divorce and heal? That is another proposal.

A divorce coach can help you more than you realize . . .

Your divorce coach can help you do so much more than deal with the practical nuts and bolts of how to get through a divorce. She can also help you understand the journey you’re on and the kind of healing that must take place to really recover from your divorce. This path of healing and recovery is very, very different from the logistical, legal, or financial paths that you’ll take.

Each step of your divorce journey will evoke powerful and unfamiliar emotions

These negative emotions are often volatile and messy—they live outside the tidy boxes of logistics and documents.

“There might be times you hardly recognize yourself,” says Rebecca, who runs her own photography business in Brooklyn. “A divorce coach can teach you how to release or rehabilitate those emotions in a positive, productive way instead of lashing out at your soon-to-be Ex.”

Your divorce coach will help you discover who you want to be during and after divorce

She will gently remind you of who you are and what you really want when the overwhelming emotional realities come crashing down on you. She will be your buoy during the storm. She will help you hold steady and recognize your truth along the way so that you don’t drown or wallow in negativity.

Forgiveness is another important part of the divorce journey. Unfortunately, forgiveness is also a very misunderstood act. Your divorce coach can help you realize what forgiveness really is. She can also help you decide who in your life deserves your forgiveness, so you can move on without being haunted by the past.

Experiencing and moving through grief is another part of the divorce healing journey

There are so many things to grieve when one chapter of your life ends—and it may not be grieving the absence of your Ex. Your coach can help you understand what grief is and how to identify and process each and every facet of its confusion. To free yourself from the grasp of what was and could have been, you must embrace a new future for your family and yourself.

One of the key components of healing from divorce is compassion. Ultimately, it’s what will allow you to rise above the strife of this huge life change. With that said, compassion is almost impossible to embrace on your own when you’re in the throes of turmoil.

Luckily, your divorce coach is an expert at promoting and embracing compassion. She will share her skills with you and teach you how to see your world with a compassionate perspective. This skill will serve you again and again as you face other challenges in your future. You cannot fully heal from divorce without compassion.

Because your coach will assist you in discovering who you want to be after your divorce is over, she’ll also help you identify the opportunities that are unfolding as a result of this huge life transition. Sometimes those opportunities disguise themselves as problems. But with her experience, your divorce coach will help you see what she sees as being possible for you.

A divorce coach is one of the best sources of holistic support you can have as you figure out how to get through a divorce on your own terms. She is someone who not only understands all the legal, logistical, and financial aspects of the dissolution of a marriage but will compassionately help you heal so that, moving forward healthily and wholly, you blossom in your next chapter of your precious life.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of Divorce. “A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.” – SAS for Women

Divorce porn is living vicariously through another's divorce.

Divorce Porn: 4 Types That Are Almost Never a Good Thing

Ever wonder why we pay so much attention to how Angie and Brad split up? Or if Beyonce and Jay Z are really going to stick it out? Or, will she do it this time? The world is watching …Will Melania take 45er’s hand as they board Air Force One?

Turns out, we are secretly fascinated, drawn, repelled and addicted to watching how others struggle in their relationship. It’s a momentary release, allowing us to escape our own relationship (and any problems we’ve been enduring). Love is powerful, so we’re really interested when others mess it up.

Please, mess it up good! Because, even better, we relish spectating in divorce.

Some call it divorce porn—vicariously living through another couple’s divorce. The term became popular and, indeed, symbolized by the release of the movie Eat Pray Love. The heroine’s story was heady, hearty, lusty stuff for us women. Elizabeth Gilbert’s character “seemingly had it all,” but gave it up to wander through Italy, India, and Bali in a journey of self discovery.

What? Leave everything and walk out? Leaving it all behind sounds damn good to many women thinking about or getting divorced, whether they have it all or not.

There’s that, and the fact that this journey was no celibate wander. Let’s remember the story culminated with bonding up, because completion (as popularly defined by finding your soulmate) sells. The prince arrived, once again.

But, wait, back it up. Divorce porn starts back there when the heroine is combusting and falling apart. It’s the particularly juicy part that feeds our culture’s obsession with break ups – and more specifically failing marriages.

Though “divorce porn” may be what we’re calling it these days, the phenomena isn’t new. We all know the experience, don’t we? Even back in high school and college—long before any of our friends were married—the breakup of one beloved couple in our friend group sent ripples throughout the circle, bringing some of us closer together and pushing others away and apart.

From our perspective as educators and divorce coaches, we know this too. And that this coming together or pushing apart effect can be seen through four specific types of divorce porn.

Divorce porn is the kind that brings couples together

Have you ever looked at someone else and thought, “Well, at least I’m not that bad.” We all do it. We grow up hearing phrases like “no matter how bad things get, remember, someone else always has it worse.” This is supposed to make us appreciate what we have, of course, not promote the celebration of other people’s lack.

And so, when a friend or family member has marital troubles and gets divorced, sometimes that impulse to be grateful is the first one we have.

Grateful, that is, that we’re not the ones getting divorced.

Sandy (not her real name) tells us how in her 20-year marriage, when another couple got divorced in their social circle, she and her husband—who had all kinds of strife in their own marriage—would often turn to each other and embrace, clinging to each other tighter than ever before. “It was like ‘Phew, we survived! We’re not as bad off as them. They’re getting divorced!’ We were just so grateful it wasn’t us,” explains Sandy. “Because, on so many levels, we were sure dancing on the edge.”

But, then again, the divorce of a friend or family member can also have the opposite effect on your marriage or relationship.

. . . The kind that’s contagious

Sometimes divorce spreads through social circles like an affliction, as if marital problems were contagious. A friend vents her frustrations and the challenges she faces in her marriage, or maybe she reveals that her husband has been less than faithful, and you start comparing and reflecting on your own situation . . .

Suddenly, you start to notice the same flaws in your own marriage—suspicion spreads like fine cracks on a windowpane.

Or maybe it’s simply the very fact that your friend did it! She got divorced! She and her husband were the first ones in your social circle to do it, to get divorced, and now, it was as if she’d given a pass to everyone. Everyone’s doing it! She normalized it and so now, you can do it, too.

In a 2013 Pew Research study, researchers found that participants were 75% more likely to become divorced if a friend is divorced and 33% more likely to end their marriage if a friend of a friend is divorced. So the idea that divorce might be contagious is one backed by science, much like the next type of divorce porn discussed.

. . . The kind that brings out people’s voyeuristic side

You see? When we witness a fight—whether it’s a violent eruption or a slow simmer—so often our first impulse is to break out the popcorn and pull up a seat. This voyeuristic tendency extends to our obsession with tabloids and soap operas. We celebrate budding celebrity relationships, but we also dig the demise. Part of us craves the drama. Science suggests the human brain is hardwired for gossip because information is a form of power.

Through gossip, we come to know a person, even if that image is flawed and one-sided, and we learn who we can trust. But more importantly, gossip gives us a way to learn from other people’s experiences, potentially sparing ourselves the heartache that comes with making the same mistake.

So when a friend or family member gets divorced, we react much the same way that we do when we read tabloids, watch dramatic TV shows, or gossip about other people.

On some subconscious level, we want to understand what it takes for a marriage to fall apart, what pushes a person over the edge, so that we better understand ourselves.

But the need for gossip can become addicting.

. . . The kind that’s literally, well, pornographic

The effects of watching porn regularly have been debated. But the fact is, no matter what the science or research says, both men and women have reported that porn has negatively affected their relationship and sex life. Recent studies have suggested that married couples who watch porn are twice as likely to divorce as those who don’t.

The “high” someone gets when they watch porn is one the regular viewer needs to chase—they seek out different types of porn to satisfy their desires. Videos that once did the trick eventually lose their appeal. And all this leaks into their real-life relationship. The regular porn viewer might begin to place a set of unrealistic expectations on their partner or create an environment in which tension and jealousy is likely to brew. There may also be the experience that there is no real relationship or marriage anymore. People shut down.

Most people usually start watching porn not because they are necessarily dissatisfied with their marriage but to relieve stress or escape a difficult home life.

Interestingly enough, porn seems to be less of a problem for couples who watch together.

Which brings us to our last point.

Remember, divorce porn is almost never a good thing

Communication (with each other) can help alleviate challenges divorce porn can create. Some couples, for instance, report that porn actually has a positive impact on their marriage. They say that watching porn together makes them feel more comfortable discussing sex openly and without shame.

Other couples have no communication or connection in their marriage as a result of pornography. In a 2002 informal survey of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (aka divorce attorneys), 60% of the 350 attorney asked, reported that internet porn played a significant role in the divorces they negotiated, with “excessive interest” in online porn contributing to more than half of such cases. At SAS for Women, we are not surprised. Many of our clients cite pornography as a major issue in the downfall of their marriage.

If you think you might be suffering from the effects of divorce porn, remember that there is nothing wrong with appreciating your spouse, discussing frustrations and challenges, or escaping reality every now and then, but, of course, it’s important to reflect on the events that you act upon:

  1. Make sure that you aren’t sensationalizing aspects of your own marriage—strengths or weaknesses—and comparing yourself to friends and family members. Don’t be unfair to yourself because every one of us is different.
  2. Make sure that you listen to and support those close to you because, as they get divorced, they’ll need you more than ever. (But also, remember that pesky biology and don’t feel too guilty about any unwanted emotions you experience.)
  3. Always be aware of the children. If you are unable to avert your eyes from another couple’s divorce, just remember that offhand comments can be overheard and are confusing to children—yours and theirs—and it’s the kids who are the hardest hit by gossip.
  4. If you are a woman dealing with divorce porn (however you define it) and you would like to hear what else is possible for your life, we invite you to schedule a free consultation with SAS. We’ll share stories of inspiring women and what they have done.

Divorce porn, much like divorce itself, is nothing new and the fact that we all need support as we go through divorce isn’t either.

SAS for Women ladies are those amazing women you meet who are entirely committed to experiencing divorce on their terms. Women facing a divorce, or contemplating it, are invited to schedule a confidential chat. “Divorce requires a one moment at a time approach” ~ SAS for Women

Image about breaking up with a narcissist

Divorcing a Narcissist? Here’s What You Need to Know

Calling someone a narcissist is so commonplace these days that, in many ways, the term has become nothing more than a buzzword. People use it loosely to refer to someone who’s behaving “selfishly”.

But a true pathological narcissist is a person who’s much more than selfish. According to the Mayo Clinic, narcissistic personality disorder “is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

Most women who fall in love with a narcissist do so because narcissists are so charming. They’re incredibly loving and affectionate. They treat you like no one has ever treated you before and sweep you off your feet. They seem too good to be true.

And that’s the truth of it—they are too good to be true, and their personality and behavior will change dramatically over time.

If you recognize the following as being “normal” in your marriage, you know you’re divorcing a narcissist:

  • Your husband* is controlling.
  • He doesn’t listen to or care about your opinions.
  • He makes everything about him.
  • He lies often.
  • He is emotionally abusive.
  • He has no emotional connection to your children.
  • He blames others for his actions.
  • He is manipulative.
  • He is exceptionally aggressive—perhaps dangerously so.
  • He is unaware of his bad behavior.
  • He feels entitled to what he wants.
  • He sees himself as perfect and worthy of unconditional admiration.
  • He rejects change initiated by anyone but himself.

Because of this last point, divorcing a narcissist is extremely challenging. He will fight you every single step of the way. He believes he is a victim and is willing to do just about anything to prove it.

Some of the biggest and most predictable challenges of divorcing a narcissist include dealing with the following behaviors and beliefs:

  • A narcissist MUST “win.” Because of this mindset, negotiating in good faith with a narcissist is impossible. He must prove he is right and a victim—regardless of what the truth is. He doesn’t care what it takes to “win” the divorce, even if that means depleting the marital finances (except for money he’s hidden), destroying relationships, and destroying you.
  • A narcissist will play games with you as long as he can. He needs to feel in control. He does this by being manipulative. He will keep you off balance by making false accusations, criticizing you one minute and telling you how much he loves you the next—anything to wear you down, so he can win.
  • A narcissist doesn’t care how anyone else feels about his actions, including his children. Narcissists only care about their own needs and desires. If someone can help them get what they want, then they will use that person without regard for the consequences.
  • A narcissist will use you to feel good about himself. By engaging you in a court battle (which he will absolutely do), he is using his control of you to make himself feel powerful. He wants the divorce process to take as long as possible. Yes, that does mean he will lie to prolong the process. It’s unlikely he will stop trying to use you after the divorce settlement—even if he is in another relationship. The more people a narcissist can control the better.
  • A narcissist wants you to admit defeat. He wants you to give in to his demands and bow to his power. But not just once—he won’t ever get tired of you surrendering to his superiority.
  • A narcissist wants everyone else to see him as a victim. No matter how horrid he is behaving toward you (and maybe even his children), he craves the pity and support of others, so he can use that pity against you.He will lie repeatedly and quite convincingly (especially if he is charming and wealthy) to perpetuate his role as victim and paint you as a heartless villain. He will even lie to your children and family about you. He wants to turn those closest to you against you because he wants you to have nothing left.
  • A narcissist will attack your weaknesses. That usually means he will go after your children and money. He will remove you from joint accounts or withdraw all the money from them. He will hide money. He will run up your bills any way he can think of. He will also do his best to turn your children against you.
  • A narcissist will take you back to court again and again. As far as he is concerned, the battle is never over so long as he has some leverage. And the leverage is usually your children. He will register the children for activities during your time with them without consulting you. He will “forget” to pick up the kids when he knows you have other plans. He will return the children later than agreed to. He will not respect the custody agreement.

But since you now have an idea of what divorcing a narcissist is like, you can prepare for the battle ahead instead of being ambushed.

Here are some steps you’ll want to take to minimize the damage you suffer during and after your divorce:

  • Make sure your attorney is aware of the problem and is proactive. You want your attorney to have experience dealing with high-conflict divorces and know what to expect from a narcissist. When they’re properly experienced and prepared, they can shut down at least some of the standard tactics a narcissist will use in court (if you must go there).
  • Get a therapist who specializes in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). If you were married to a narcissist, your marriage was full of emotional abuse. Any kind of abuse can lead to PTSD. You will probably want to consider working with a therapist to help you regain your emotional footing.
  • Hire a divorce coach. Learning how a divorce coach can help you stay anchored (and using one!) could be one of your most important moves for securing perspective, strength, and support. Your divorce coach will also help you process the grief, loneliness, anger, and other tumultuous emotions you’ll have before, during, and beyond. If necessary, your divorce coach can even join you throughout the court proceedings. But your “beyond” is critical. Your divorce coach is going to make sure you stay mindful to creating the life you DO deserve.
  • Keep copies of EVERYTHING. Especially when it comes to expenses, you’ll want to keep detailed records of everything. It’s VERY likely that you’ll be going to court repeatedly. The only way you’ll be able to quickly put an end to each new drama when it arises is to have indisputable facts. And that’s what the detailed records are—indisputable facts.
  • Assume all communication with a narcissist is risky. Whenever you communicate with a narcissist, keep things direct, to the point, and non-confrontational. This is the only way to prevent him from using your written or spoken words against you.

When divorcing a narcissist, you must prepare for war. You will face many battles because a narcissist wants to destroy you at virtually any cost.

But when you understand more about a narcissist’s profile (what you can and cannot expect from him) and begin to value your own self-worth—getting the full support you need and deserve—you will eventually have the peaceful life you’re looking for, the life you were meant to live.

 

SAS women are those amazing ladies you meet who are entirely committed to navigating divorce—on their own terms. If you are considering or dealing with divorce, you are invited to experience SAS for Women firsthand and schedule your free, 45-minute, private consultation. Whether you work further with us or not, we’ll help you understand what your next, black and white steps are for walking into your brave unknown—with compassion and integrity.

* SAS for Women fully recognizes same-sex and common-law marriages. But for the sake of simplicity in this article, we refer to your spouse or mate as “he,” “him,” or your “husband.”

40 Inspirational Divorce Quotes to Make You Feel Less Alone

40 Inspirational Divorce Quotes to Make You Feel Less Alone

At any given time along this path of change, you might be feeling scared, confused, angry, sad, and lonely. You might be feelinged-out, numb. And all those plucky words of chin-up encouragement, or flat-lining platitudes friends and family continue to proffer are falling on your deaf and numb and pained ears.

Other times our reaction to another person’s words can take us by surprise. We might find ourselves struck by a truth we feel so deeply, so innately, that we could never express it in words. Great writers make us feel like that. Their words could be our own—they so closely resemble what we think and feel. Such writers give us a voice when we can’t trust ourselves. They make us feel seen and less alone

Below are 40 divorce quotes from inspirational women that will make you feel just that: less alone. If you find a quote that makes you vibe, consider printing and hanging it somewhere you’ll see it every day.

You are not alone. Everyone needs help dealing with divorce and especially, divorce recovery (do you know what “healed” even looks like?) We’ve been there, in that place of not knowing what you don’t know.

Without further ado, here are 40 divorce quotes that you can read on dark days when you need a little camaraderie and inspiration:

1. Reese Witherspoon divorce quote

 

2. “You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”
—Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

3.  “There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” 
— C. Joybell C.

 

4. “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”
— Lucille Ball

 

5. “When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at least, begun to.”
— Helen Rowland

 

6. “Divorce isn’t the child’s fault. Don’t say anything unkind about your ex to the child, because you’re really just hurting the child.”
— Valerie Bertinelli

 

7. “I wanted to turn my divorce into a positive. What if I didn’t blame the other person for anything, and held myself 100 percent accountable? What if I checked my own s— at the door and put my children first? And reminded myself about the things about my ex-husband that I love, and fostered the friendship?”
— Gwyneth Paltrow

 

8. J.K. Rowling quote on divorce

 

9. “Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.”
— Rupi Kaur

 

10. “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.”
― Jennifer Weiner

 

11. “Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door.”
— Coco Chanel

 

12. “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

 

13. “Success is its own reward, but failure is a great teacher too, and not to be feared.”
— Sonia Sotomayor

 

14. “I was a high-functioning depressive, seemingly pulled together and buttoned down. But inside deep, I was numb and mute. Now on the other side of divorce, I know that was me fragmented and doing my best to cope. But my body knew.”
— Liza Caldwell, SAS for Women Cofounder

 

15. “It always gets worse before it can get better. But it will get better. Like everything else, and like our past struggles, at some point we win, but before that win, there’s always that loss that spurs us on.”
— Dolores Huerta

 

16. “When people divorce, it’s always such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together it can be even worse.”
—Monica Bellucci

 

17. Cheryl Strayed quote on divorce

 

18. “Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”
— Toni Morrison

 

19. “Imagine spreading everything you care about on a blanket and then tossing the whole thing up in the air. The process of divorce is about loading that blanket, throwing it up, watching it all spin, and worrying what stuff will break when it lands.”
—Amy Poehler

 

20. “I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me.”
—Erica Jong

 

21. “I think that men were allowed to write about their marriages falling apart, but you weren’t quite supposed to if you were a woman. You were just supposed to curl up into a ball and move to Connecticut. But you know, it didn’t really matter because, as I said, I knew what the book was. It’s a funny book, and I was very happy that it sold a lot of copies.”
– Nora Ephron on her book, Heartburn

 

22. “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
— Deborah Reber

 

23. “Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.”
— Carol Burnett

 

24. “Don’t be afraid. Be focused. Be determined. Be hopeful. Be empowered.”
— Michelle Obama

 

25. Ann Landers quote on divorce

 

26. “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”
— Maya Angelou

 

27. “Perhaps sometimes reminding ourselves that we do have a choice makes it easier to pick the harder one.”
— Eva Melusine Thieme

 

28. “Don’t have regrets. You can learn something from every experience.”
— Ellen Degeneres

 

29. “I learned that it would take more than just the black and white steps of getting divorced, or even finding a lawyer. It would take NOT just facing my fears. It would take walking into my fears — with each step making me bolder and less ashamed, with each step giving me courage.”
— Liza Caldwell, SAS for Women Cofounder

 

30. “Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

 

31. “The process of discovering with somebody that you love that you don’t work is so painful.”
—Kate Hudson

 

32. “It was a long time in the making, my divorce. One day became less special than the [one before], and pretty soon we ceased all conversation. It is a sad day when you have nothing left to say.”
—Ricki Lake

 

33. “Above all be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
— Nora Ephron

 

34. “The good thing about getting divorced young—if there is a good thing—is that it makes you realize there’s no schedule in life. It blasts you wide open and frees you to be honest with yourself.”
—Olivia Wilde

 

35. “When we truly care for ourselves, it becomes possible to care about other people. The more alert and sensitive we are to our own needs, the more loving and generous we can be towards others.”
— Eda LeShan

 

36. “There’s no pain or failure like going through a divorce.”
—Jennifer Lopez

 

37. “It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”
— Lena Horne

 

38. Sarah Ban Breathnach quote on divorce

 

39.“Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”
— Carrie Fisher

 

40. “I used to hope that you’d bring me flowers. Now I plant my own.”
— Rachel Wolchin

 

Is there a divorce quote that’s helped you get through your divorce? Comment below to share. We could all use a little inspiration and encouragement.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. If you are looking for confidential divorce support, take advantage of our six months of FREE email coaching giving you action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your self. 

“Divorce can be on your terms.” – SAS for Women

 

Who Moves Out in a divorce?

Who Moves Out of the Marital Home During Divorce, and When Do They Leave?

A question that comes up over and over again in my line of work as a divorce attorney is “When can I move out?” Or put differently, “When can I get my husband to leave?” Maybe the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. Maybe your children are experiencing screaming matches followed by long bouts of silence. You may find yourself unable to think straight—to figure out what your next steps should be and how to begin a new life. Or maybe, there are even elements of abuse in your relationship. I get it. You want peace. You want answers. And finding out who moves out of the marital home during divorce can seem like the first step toward solving these problems.

But the question, when can a spouse move out, is not a simple one to answer.

If you have children, the upside is that I recommend you do nothing until you’ve spoken with an attorney. Unless, of course, there’s an emergency and you need to remove yourself from the situation for your safety. You don’t want to affect your claim to custody or marital property.

It’s complicated. Divorce laws vary state to state, but for this article, I will reference the laws of New York.

What does the law say about who moves out of the marital home during divorce?

New York courts are often reluctant to award one spouse “exclusive use and occupancy of a home.” In nonlegal speak, that means ordering one spouse to move out of the marital home—something the courts can do no matter which spouse’s name is on the deed or lease. The courts are especially reluctant to do so without a finding of violence or “marital strife.” When the safety of household members or property isn’t at risk, the courts require that your spouse has a place to live before moving out. That’s not to say that the courts oppose removing one spouse from the marital home. They often prefer spouses separate. With that said, the decision isn’t made lightly. Judges have seen it all. They haven’t succumbed to the popular belief that it is simply better to separate you and your spouse. They understand that what is best for one family isn’t best for all.

What if your safety is at risk?

But what if you can’t wait for your lawyers and the courts to battle it out? There has always been the understanding that in any divorce, separation, or annulment, the courts can’t require a spouse to move out during court proceedings unless taking such a drastic action is necessary to protect the “safety of persons or property.” To take action, courts require evidence, anything from a testimony to something physical such as photos, medical or hospital records, and broken items.

If your spouse has committed a criminal act and needs to move out immediately, you can get a temporary order of protection (in other states these are often called restraining orders) from Criminal Court, Family Court, or Supreme Court. In fact, what many may not realize is that a person isn’t limited to a single court when looking to get an order of protection. You can get orders from more than one court for the same act. If even one of the orders of protection granted is a “full stay away,” then your spouse won’t be able to live in the same home as the people listed on the order.

So, what if it’s your sanity (not your safety) that’s at risk?

Anger, resentment—they can chip away at any remaining civility between partners. The courts understand that staying together under one roof can be damaging for reasons that have nothing to do with violence. But again, you’ll have to provide evidence for “marital strife” (and your spouse will need a new place to live) before you can expect the court to make anyone move out. Before you provide evidence, you’ll have to file a petition in Family Court or a motion in Supreme Court for an order of protection in which you request a full stay away. In Supreme Court, you can file a motion for exclusive use and occupancy without requesting an order of protection.

And what about the children?

When it comes to children, how can fighting parents living in the same home be in their best interest?

In 2017, at least one judge addressed this concern. In one of the first judicial decisions to address the impact divorcing couples remaining together in the marital home has on their children, Judge Richard A. Dollinger of Monroe County found “that existence of a hostile home environment, during a divorce, runs contrary to the best interest of children.”

What is the benefit of having a court order your spouse to move out?

The obvious benefit is that you’ll finally have peace of mind and remove yourself from an otherwise difficult living situation. Some parties , however, often see a court order for one spouse to move out as a tool to gain an edge in custody battles. When both parents live together with their children, neither parent can claim to be the primary residential parent. When one spouse moves out, the parent who spends more time with the children will be entitled to child support. If you and your spouse share the children’s time equally, then the parent who earns more may end up paying child support to the other parent.

How do finances affect the court’s decision about who moves out?

The elephant in the room is the question of whether you and your spouse can afford to live in two separate homes. It is crucial that everyone involved reduces the effect of divorce on your children. Make sure you always work toward separating in a fair and reasonable manner. It can be more expensive and emotionally damaging for children to be in the middle of their parents’ fighting. To be assigned their own attorneys or go through forensic evaluations and therapy.

Divorce is complicated enough already. As a parent, it’s your duty to pick the battles you choose to fight with your soon-to-be Ex wisely. Who moves out matters less than how and why they move out.

Randi L. Karmel has had her own Matrimonial and Family Law practice for 19 years and been an attorney for 25 years. She practices in the Criminal, Family, and Supreme Courts in New York. Randi L. Karmel, PLLC focuses on matrimonial and family law litigation and settlements. Her practice consists of preparing and negotiating agreements from prenuptial agreements to stipulations of settlement: divorce, abuse, neglect and orders of protection matters, custody, parenting time, child support, maintenance, equitable distribution, and separation. She is also certified to represent children. For more information on how Randi might assist you with your concerns, visit her website or call 212.755.0224.

 

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