Woman packed leaving her husband

Overthinking When to Leave Your Husband

You have a bad fight or a bad day with your husband—or more likely, you’ve had a series of them. So many thoughts race through your mind, but there’s one that stands out the most: I want a divorce. Sometimes this thought surprises us so much that we can’t be sure we really had it at all. We push the thought to the back of our mind and bury it deep. We smile and pretend, and everything goes “back to normal.” But because our normal means being unhappy, the cracks appear again. We have another bad day. And when it rains, it pours. All those emotions and moments we buried rise to the surface in the storm.

You are lost and stumbling through the fog that is Considering Divorce Syndrome (CDS). All you seem to have are questions and no answers. I want a divorce, or do I? I want a divorce, but should I? How do I even begin to leave my husband*?

When you find yourself searching for instructions on how to leave your husband, it’s the beginning of a long and confusing journey. We know that you are in pain and emotional turmoil right now—that is why you’ve found your way here. Our job is to help you break the cycle of wondering that’s associated with CDS with points you should be thinking about and considering.

As you’re considering divorce, keep your marriage in context

So, you’re thinking to yourself, “I want to divorce my husband.” Did this thought just come out of nowhere? Or has the idea been a living and breathing” thing” lurking in the back of your mind for some time now?

Did you and your husband have a blowup? Are you still seething? Do you feel depressed? Are you reacting from a highly-charged or frustrated place, typing “Should I leave my husband?” into the search engine?

“Early on in my marriage,” Sally told us she and her husband went to a couples’ therapist. “At the first meeting, the doctor said, ‘Why did you react that way?’ when my husband described a story about me. Without waiting for my response, the doctor asked me more, ‘Were you menstruating?'”

We’ve all experienced a moment like this, haven’t we? We’ve been told that our “issues” or “moods” are related to our highly emotional states, which must be a function of our biology. And because we are women, when we are feeling things outside a man’s comfort zone, we are “crazy” or “PMSing” or both.

For the sake of this post and our sanity, let’s set that experience aside, and ask, How long have you wanted to leave your husband? Or if you don’t really want to leave your husband, why is it that you think you should?

If divorce has been something more than a random thought but a persistent idea that’s been circulating in your head for a long time now, you’ll need to ask yourself even more questions.

How committed are you to divorce, on a scale of 1 to 10?

If you’re a 10, you are fully committed to divorce—you’re OUT the door! If you’re a 1, you’re happily, even blissfully married.

But it’s not just about how you feel right now, at this moment. Today could be a 10 and the rest of the month a 1. You need to check in with yourself over the course of the month and keep a private record (somewhere safe, somewhere secret) to see the ebb and flow of your happiness over the month. If the numbers are 5 or above most days, it’s time to seriously start looking at ways to change your relationship. A divorce coach is a great, safe person to talk to if you’ve started seriously thinking about what else is possible for you.

Wait, there are still other reasons to stay married, right? I don’t need to talk to a divorce coach yet

So, you look at your commitment chart and see mostly 5s, a couple 3s, and even some 10s plastered on the page—but then you think of the kids. Divorce will be hard on them! There’s always a chance your husband can change, right? And who knows, you might even change too. Things can get better. There’s always hope, even the hope of finding hope when confronted with the reality that hope may have fled your marriage long ago.

There’s this voice inside your head that’s saying “If I talk to someone, I might have to act on what I’m feeling. I might have to do something about this truth,” or “No, I can’t talk to anyone yet. There’s still hope I can turn things around.”

“I want to leave my husband” suddenly becomes “we’re just having a rough patch.” Only the rough patch never ends.

The truth is, many women find themselves circling a 5 on that scale. They are halfway out the door, while the other half isn’t sure exactly what they want, except change.

Listen: living in this stage is purgatory

Revisiting the question of  “should I…or shouldn’t I divorce” keeps you unsettled and compartmentalizing ( — on one level functioning, on another level wondering if your world is falling apart). This is one of the insidious and oddly, paralyzing effects of CDS.

Maybe you think you are fun and easy to live with? On some level, you are being cruel to your husband, your kids, and yourself by continuing to live in such a hovering and non-committed place.

You may think you are fooling everyone, but it’s more likely you’re only fooling yourself.

Luckily, we know this syndrome of divorce ambivalence acutely. We were like you, sitting on that pointed, painful fence called “considering divorce” for far too long.

So, allow us to deliver the sometimes brutal truth that will save you time: nothing is going to change unless you do something.

Did you go to marriage counseling and find it didn’t stick, with you and your partner ending up in the same old dysfunctional routine? Do you complain to your friends regularly about your husband’s behaviors but never do anything to try to change things? Do you withdraw from your marriage or the world or act out in various ways but still find yourself at home or in bed next to the same man night after night?

It’s time to break this pattern.

How is your health?

CDS, the constant cycle of considering divorce and not following through, can take a toll on your health. This repetitive and constant stress is going to wear on you, no matter how strong you are.

You are not living your life authentically. Your body might be showing you the signs through symptoms that range from feeling tired all the time no matter how much you sleep, a loss of appetite, a sense of being removed from things you once enjoyed, disconnected to your friends and family, constant flu or cold-like symptoms when doctors say there’s nothing wrong with you, and so on. These are all signs of depression which can be linked to stress.

You and I might look around and see marriages with similar or even more dysfunction and stress than yours—some of your best friends might be living with CDS and seem to function fine between complaints about their spouses—but you are not them, and they are not you. And every marriage, even in its dysfunction, is different.

If you are feeling burnt out, done, and you have decided you can no longer live in the purgatory of waiting for change or trying but not fixing the dysfunction in your marriage, you need to own where your marriage is right now. You need to face the possibility of a future as a divorced woman, and you need someone to talk it out with. Right now.

If you are in an abusive marriage, read this article right now.

If you are in a relationship where the pressure is “manageable,” you can prioritize the time to figure out if you should or should not divorce and what would be the healthiest way of doing it. If that’s you, then you are the woman we are talking to right now. Our critical suggestion is that you get educated on what your choices are. Get ready. Because the truth is if you’re constantly considering divorce, there’s a reason and you owe it to yourself to stop thinking about it and take action. The right action is talking with someone who can help you figure out what your independence might look like.


Whether you are considering a divorce, navigating it, or already rebuilding after the overwhelming experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. Take advantage of our free consultation we give every brave woman. Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation for support. Whether you work with us further or not, we guarantee you will learn a new resource, a piece of information, or an insight that will give you a next step or help shift your way of thinking what is genuinely possible for your life.



*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

Share these insights


  1. Kristine McCraw on August 20, 2019 at 19:26

    I was all set to leave my husband then he begged me to give him a chance and actually showed some change. Things started slipping back a little. Saturday we had a blowout and now I’m feeling closer to wanting to leave again. We’ve been married for 20 years and it’s always been up and down to the point my daughter wants us to divorce.

    • Irene on September 29, 2019 at 09:50


      Where are you now in your marriage? This is so me. We just had our 27th anniversary. I feel as though it has been up and down for years. I can go back pretty far to where I can remember using the “d” word. He begs me every time not to do anything. Things will be good sometimes great then something sets me off again. Lately just seems like a lot of things are setting me off. I can’t take it anymore. I just started seeing a counselor. I just don’t know what to do. I have two grown children…my daughter. I think gets it, cuz she has seen and heard it. My son not so much. He doesn’t understand and thinks I need to change how I react to him. I have had a fear that the kids will hate me if I divorce him. Which deters me a lot. I’m stuck ?

      • Carole on February 28, 2023 at 03:24

        Hi, I would so like to know what you eventually did. I have been with my partner for 33 years. I desperately want to leave. He is a good man but not for me. He works, loves his grandkids but —-my son gets married in july and Im finding it so hard to carry on until after that. The same as you, its always “I’ll change” but I cant carry on. Please get back to me.

    • Angela on February 1, 2021 at 19:41

      How do you handle it when the kids want you to leave?

      • Betty on October 9, 2022 at 13:15

        Listen to the kids. They are always the voice of truth and reason. Leave now

      • Nathalie on February 11, 2023 at 11:08

        You leave. At that point the kids are also being emotionally and psychologically affected. I was that child. After many years of hearing her say she was “staying for the girls” and me hoping things would get better between my parents, I told my mom we had to go. So she packed up all of our belongings and left.

    • Bella on February 21, 2023 at 09:30

      I am right there with you. 11 years with my husband and 4 children later and no change. We are currently separated and still no significant change on his part. He does the minimal. My children also are ready for me to divorce him as he has been emotionally
      abusive to us all.

  2. Leslie Williams on August 21, 2019 at 08:09

    Im a teacher and during break summer break my husband had ankle surgery. He is non weight bearing so im doing everything. Shopping cleaning taking care of the vehicles etc. I handled it now im back to work and it is getting tough. His attitude sucks and he expects me to be wonderwoman. He always says rude things to me and acts as if he can manage without me. I dont get a break and at night I habe to get up with the dogs at night!! I feel unappreciated and like im running myself down.

  3. Jhannet on August 22, 2019 at 15:12

    I’m young and newly married. Only 11 months tomorrow. We’ve already gone through a time of separation about 4 months ago when I found out he cheated on me when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. It’s all been downhill since then and it’s so hard to see any future. He says he’s changed but I don’t see any changues. The same attitude the same patterns that’s all still there. He respects me more now at least. He’s been good about that. But it just doesn’t feel good. I don’t know what to do or what to think. He says if I leave is my decision but that he’ll have piece of mind that he tried everything he found for our marriage. I personally don’t see that and the only reason I would leave would be because of him. I can’t believe how hard and awful this year has been. Is it too soon to give up? We’re going to marriage counseling. And even our counselor told me that if he can’t change that I should leave him. He thinks he’s doing so much more though I don’t understand! He thinks cooking every now and then and complimenting me more and going out on dates is gonna fix the problem…. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think. Are we just too young? I need help….

    • Chopper on August 26, 2020 at 16:11

      Divorce him now. Read what you wrote – “it’s all been downhill” and “it just doesn’t feel good.” That’s not going away. Don’t waste your time or your life like I have being in a 20-year marriage that shouldn’t have happened.

    • Gina on February 18, 2024 at 12:21

      Wow, I just read this as I was googling things. This mirrors my life for the past 2+ years. I would love to connect with you to share insight with similar situations. If you by chance read this please reach back out. Thank you!

      • Caroline on April 4, 2024 at 21:43

        Same here. I’ve been married for only 8 months, but together for 7.5 years. No cheating (that I know of), but it is constant up and down and verbal abuse. He thinks he does everything and is doing all the work in our relationship, but all he does is tell me what he thinks is wrong with me and thinks that is enough to “fix” things. It’s exhausting and demoralizing. There is no one big thing that would be the straw that broke the camels back, which makes it hard to explain to people not in the situation just how awful it can be. All I seem to get is a pretty steady stream of “that doesn’t sound so bad”. And taken in isolation, I can see the point. But nothing is in isolation and it all just adds up to a completely unbearable situation.

        All the advice I’ve seen online is for people contemplating leaving long-term marriages & it just doesn’t apply to me. We also don’t have kids (though he has a teenage son from a previous marriage) so again, most of the advice and support doesn’t apply. I’d love to be in touch with other women who are contemplating leaving relatively short-term marriages and how you mange it all

  4. SAS for Women on August 22, 2019 at 17:33

    Dear ladies, for those of you seeking help, please know SAS for Women offers free 15-minute consultations to any woman who requests one. If you’d like to learn what next steps to support yourself might look like, so you can take steps to support yourself, we encourage you to visit this link and find a convenient time for us to talk. We look forward.


    • Ana on April 28, 2021 at 01:26

      Might have to take this offer I’m so undecided, and I don’t want to break his heart. I love him so much. I don’t know what to do anymore.

      • mandy on September 14, 2022 at 14:07

        Ana where are you at? did you leave… I feel like you did. You don’t want to hurt him but you are not happy.

  5. Sbncismyfav1 on October 6, 2019 at 18:34

    I feel for all of you after reading your posts. I am in the same situation. Married 20+ years in which most yrs were terrible. He was always in trouble with the law, abusing drugs and alcohol, partying night and day. I put up with it even though I hated it ! We had fights almost daily, some huge blow ups a lot. Long story short….he has changed somewhat, but now it is me that has so much resentment and anger toward him for all that he put me thru, that I think it is too late for him to try and make things work.
    Any advice?
    J. Ritch

    • SAS for Women on October 8, 2019 at 16:37

      Dear J,
      For those of you seeking help, please know SAS for Women offers a free 45 minute coaching sessions to any woman who requests one. If you’d like to learn what next steps to support yourself might look like, we encourage you to visit this link and find a convenient time for us to talk.


    • Sasha on April 13, 2020 at 17:53

      Hi J. Ritch, I know it’s been a while since you’ve posted, but I too find myself dealing with the same. How are you dealing today?


      • Daisy M on August 11, 2021 at 00:04

        Hello , I’m wondering how both of you are doing ? I’m going through the same thing . Please reply ??

    • Traci on April 3, 2022 at 18:06

      That is the way I feel.

  6. Lisa on June 4, 2020 at 18:54

    My husband is on drugs and has been for years Iv took bout all I can but I can’t seem to make myself leave him , I hate coming home and hate seeing him what can I do?

    • SAS for Women on June 5, 2020 at 13:59

      Dear Lisa, the best action you can take is to spend time speaking with someone who has seasoned perspective on divorce, and who can help you understand what your choices really are. We’d welcome talking to you if you choose.

      SAS for Women offers a free 15 minute chat with any woman who requests one.
      Use this link: https://sasforwomen.as.me/?appointmentType=12273718

      But above all, don’t give up on yourself,
      Liza @ SAS

    • Tieishier White on August 29, 2023 at 01:11

      Hi my name is Tee I’m new here but in the same situation I put up with so much in 15 years I can hardly believe it looking back I’m still here hating myself wishing I never luved him he’s mean and very unappreciative I’ve lost so much but scared to go through the pain of heartbreak I wish I don’t wake up many days I hate myself for luvin him and being here so long god please help all us ladies is all I can say …….

  7. Natalie on June 5, 2020 at 18:06

    I have been married for 26 years to a good man but I just do not love him anymore. I know how devastated he will be if I leave him but I also know I cannot spend another 26 years married to him, I just can’t.. I carry this constant pain and anger inside me because I want to leave.. it’s not a bad life, 2 fabulous children and he is a decent man, just not the life I want anymore .. I dream all the time of being free, I look at little houses to buy, plan how to decorate them, etc., I can see the life after divorce and I can see me happy, even if I am alone. I just don’t seem to be able to make the crucial step. I just talk and think about it ALL the time. I had an affair for 15 years.. awful I know but it actually kept me married, my lover has now found himself another girlfriend, bit devastating and taken me a while to come to terms with the fact he does not want me, but even so the desire to leave my husband has not changed.. I really need help.

    • SAS for Women on June 6, 2020 at 18:16

      Dear Natalie, the best action you can take is to spend time speaking with someone who has seasoned perspective on divorce, and who can help you understand what your choices really are. We’d welcome talking to you if you choose.

      SAS for Women offers a free 15 minute chat with any woman who requests one.
      Use this link: https://sasforwomen.as.me/?appointmentType=12273718

      But above all, don’t give up on yourself,
      Liza @ SAS

    • Melissa on June 10, 2020 at 10:13

      Hi Natalie,

      I am in the exact same boat, except the man I am having an affair with is still with me. I know I need to leave I just need to be an adult and talk to my husband. I’m scared. How are you holding in? I’m so scared of the confrontation and going through the process and knowing he will hate me.

      • Shar on April 20, 2021 at 19:12

        Melissa, do you have an update?

    • Shar on April 20, 2021 at 19:15

      Did you ever leave him?

  8. Ruth on November 21, 2020 at 21:12

    Hi ! I’m struggling, we have been together 4 years & married for nearly 2 years. Beginning of the year everything was great, we had decided to try IVF then adopt if it didn’t work out. Lockdown kicked in & IVF wasn’t successful. We hadn’t been talking at all during the month after, I didn’t have work, he did. We finally sat down & he said that he was glad it hadn’t been successful & that he didn’t want to adopt ! It was so painful & embarrassing, I had to email both the clinic & adoption to let them know we weren’t proceeding at this time. We spoke again a month later & he said that maybe 5-6 years time we could reconsider. Also I suggested moving somewhere smaller so we could save money. I have been looking for a job & just keep getting rejections. It came to a head when he didn’t want to celebrate our first year anniversary & said that he was thinking of leaving. We finalised the details, giving it two months in case we changed our minds. The night he was to leave, he decided he didn’t want to go. We did the garden up as a project & ever since then I’ve just felt like we have been in limbo. The final straw came when we went back into lockdown & I asked him to try to make me understand why he changed his mind about children & moving to help with our finances. He doesn’t want the responsibility of bills/rent, wants it to be just us, we have a dog. That it would be easier if I was working too. Obviously now I don’t know what to do, l love him but I don’t want to lose myself. This is my second marriage, I was married for nearly 10years, I did what he wanted & became a housewife, thinking that we would start a family. He repeatedly cheated on me & drank to excess & blamed it on me. We had counseling, we even separated for a year & started IVF, I realised that it didn’t matter how much I loved him or how much money we had, he was never going to treat me with respect. Divorcing him was a breath of fresh air & I should have done it sooner ! What I’m afraid of is that because my new marriage is having difficulties, that I will have to sacrifice myself all over again & then in 10years time resent him or he will find someone else who can give him kids. I’m just fed up of starting over again & again, losing my house, my self worth & my dog. Any advice would be greatly received & appreciated ! Maybe I’m just over analysing & I need to give it more time ? Thanks for listening !!

  9. Monika on February 13, 2021 at 03:44

    I’m wanting a divorce because after 15 years, nothing has changed in our relationship. I signed a stupid prenup because I didn’t think I needed HIS money. Well, two kids later and terrible health, I need it. I take care of the kids 24/7 and the sick elderly family members (even though I’m sick). He doesn’t give me any money. Occasionally he will give me his debt card for the groceries. However, I buy everything else. He is close to being a millionaire. He goes golfing and comes home drunk at least 3 times a week. He has cheated on me. What more can I say? When I’ve threatened divorce, he threatens to take our kids. I’m so tired of this. I can’t handle him anymore.

    • Daisy on August 11, 2021 at 00:08

      Hello monika . Any update ? I’m in a similar situation . Thank you

  10. Christine on April 23, 2021 at 16:38

    I dont want to break up any marriages BUT, ask yourselves this question:
    Would you put up with the same situation if you were not married? If yes just get on with it.
    It’s what standard you have chosen to live by. If not, then why put up with it now?
    Stop using your children as an excuse.Your children have gone through enough if they have had to live with the dysfunction. Would you want your children to put up with the same in their future relationships? Either work it out or get out.
    And let No Man put Asunder!!

  11. Alisha Lietzen on August 20, 2021 at 15:01

    I am here because we had our 14th wedding anniversary August 11, 2021. I cried realizing we are in the same spot we were at 7 years married when I left for several days and he didn’t understand why. I’m in this head space of I need to find me again after being his wife and mom of 3 (13,10 and 3). The issues have been the same since day one. It is his way only. My education and work experience have kept me here. I am putting on a mask every day. It isn’t healthy for me. I don’t know how at 36 to find a way out.

    • SAS for Women on August 20, 2021 at 15:23

      Hi, Alisha, thank you for being brave and writing. At some point, if you really valuable your precious life, you have to do more than just read about your situation or post about your circumstances on open forums like blogposts. You’ve got to talk with someone who can help you understand your specific life choices and possible steps. It could be a good friend who has faced similar circumstances or a professional who has seen many women in your place. You are welcome to take advantage of a free consultation with us, starting the beginning of September. We’ve been where you are.

  12. Lis on August 25, 2022 at 11:55

    So how long do I wait before starting the process? Was told in June “he no longer wants any part of the marriage.” Do I wait for him to get his finances together” or do I pull the “D“ cord now and start the proceedings???
    Attorney fees are astronomical!!
    Appreciate any feedback

    • SAS for Women on August 27, 2022 at 03:41

      Hello, Lis, so very sorry to hear what you are going through. Our suggestion is that you not “wait for him.” You should start getting yourself educated and informed now, because chances are he’s going to come back to you with how you both “should split things.” Do you want him to dictate everything? Get educated. At least have a private education/consultation with one divorce attorney to find out what your specific rights are and what you are entitled to after X number of years married. Do this work behind the scenes to get yourself organized and protected. Check out this post, “Best Questions to Ask a Divorce Attorney at a Consultation.” https://sasforwomen.com/questions-to-ask-a-divorce-attorney-at-a-consultation/

  13. Maria Valdez on September 11, 2022 at 17:22

    I have been with my husband since I was 13, I am 25 now. We have been married for 3 years living together for 4. He is an amazing husband, cat dad, and life partner. He is kind, supportive, understanding, loving and in my eyes perfect. When we were younger we both did shameful and disrespectful things to one another but it made us see that we loved each other and we didn’t want to be apart. Ever since moving in with each other I have been happy. Although a couple months ago, someone close to me ended a very long marriage that I looked up to. This made me constantly think/worry that my relationship would also fail. Now I cannot stop thinking of either working through my dark thoughts and fighting for my marriage or ending it and moving on. I am in limbo and it is affecting me very negatively. Why can’t I choose? I love him with all that I am, but I am scared of being happy on my own. Should I end it even if it kills me or should I stay and fight?

  14. We have to rebuild ourselves on July 20, 2023 at 23:58

    I am writing this one year post-divorce. I feel anger towards the GA lawyer I used because I feel like they should have told me to wait until after my ten year anniversary to file. The judge signed it two weeks prior to our ten year anniv & now I can’t claim for social security benefit. I am also angry that my ex made 100,000 on the sale of the home recently. When we were trying to “amicably” split things up, I could not afford the mortgage payment, so he refinanced and I got off the title. We split the tiny equity payout. Better plan would be to get a lien on the home for the eventual sale. Lot of anger and regret and financial loss. Looking for decent housing now is impossible.

  15. Kathy on September 7, 2023 at 23:30

    We have been married for 45 years, it’s been rough for the past 10. He’s not a bad or abusive man, but I’ve had my own bedroom for years, and before that I slept on the sofa because of his moving around all night and talking in his sleep. Then he got ED and there was no sex. I tried and tried to at least get him to be more affectionate because my love language is touch, but the conversation would have him deflecting and turning things around on me. He’d hold my hand at night but not because he wanted to but because he had to and I got tired of begging. Is it wrong to want to be with someone who actually wants to touch me? I’m stuck here because neither of us could afford to live on our own, but it’s more of a roommate thing now, although he denies it. The one thing that we could do is travel together, but the past five years he’s coughed all night every night so I can no longer share a room at all with him if I want any sleep, so travel together is now out. I’m making plans to travel on my own from now on. No more me doing all the planning and him getting the advantage of it with no work. I’ve given up and have stopped trying to fix things, I finally figured out that was I was trying was obviously not working. I often wish that I had someone who would take me dancing and put his arm around me because he wanted to. But I’ve finally come to the point where I am going to take care of myself because I always took care of him and the kids. I feel like no one ever takes care of me, so it’s up to me to do it. There’s no hope for me to have a better and happy marriage and no hope for divorce. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have married him. At least it’s not forever. I only signed the contract until death. Then he’s on his own.

    • Lynn on November 9, 2023 at 00:25

      Kathy, your post really touched me. I’m slightly behind you (married 32 years) and circumstances somewhat different. Both professionals and in same profession, but he makes 6x what I do because I put my career on hold for family and kids. Two kids – both adults and done with school. I just realize that at no point in those 32 years did he prioritize me. Like ever. We’ve never really operated as a team. I’m the one who has made all the sacrifices. Financially, we can afford to divorce, although salary wise going forward I will be worse off. I feel like emotionally I already am lonely most of the time and that him being gone would t really change much in my life. But the truth is I’m scared of the unknown. He knows I feel this way – counseling has been a waste because he’s never wrong. So right now we live as polite roommates living separate lives and I feel like he’s planning something but I have no idea what. I don’t know what to do anymore other than I know I cannot have one more fruitless conversation with him about it. I feel like I wasted my life.

      • Lost and unloved on January 30, 2024 at 00:15

        Wow I am baffled how much us as woman take. I would love any advice from anyone. We have been together 9 yrs married 8 years. My daughter was killed by a pharmaceutical error when she was six months old. I was in a lost and left her father and meet my current husband. I already had three boys from a prior marriage who was physically abusive with me so I left. Now I sent my husband back home which is over seas to get clean. My husband has always been really up my butt clingy and that to me showed me he was still some what in touch with me. Our sex life has always been the best I’ve ever had and he knows I’m madly in love with him but he got on drugs two years ago and I felt I had lost touch with him. I didn’t care because I was fighting cancer (still am on hospice stage four ovarian cancer) my cancer isn’t getting worse but not better either and my body doesn’t respond to pain like normal people so I can walk and do things you usually don’t do with stage four. Anyhow he got clean in one month went back to work and everything was great but he stopped contacting me all together. His ex wife called me one day and told me he was cheating I told him he denied it. Then someone called my family and told them the same (different person) but I don’t know how true it is. He is constantly hanging up on me won’t video chat won’t pick up when I call and keeps things extremely short under five mins because he is “busy” . Now everyone I’m close to in his family is telling no I’m over reacting but he cheated once and acted this way and I caught him but since he is so far you have to take a plane can’t drive to he can get away with anything. He has been begging me to come home and I keep telling him no I want a divorce because what other reason would he be so secretive about except if he was talking to someone else. Now we still are intimate virtually and have virtually movie and date nights but it has happened only two times. It’s been two months and I have not been away from him this long in nine years and I know my husband. This is his love language so for him to cut it with me is only meaning to me it’s someone else? He is saying I’ve over doing everything and I’m boring him. Can this be true and he isn’t cheating? I already filed for divorce because if I am going to die I’m not going to be heart broken and unloved for the last bit of my life. Now I turn 39 on Friday with five kids but I still have men throw themselves at me and he knows this and hears it but he hangs up and won’t talk to me till the next day at night to tell me he loves me good night and he has never been this way in nine years. I supported all his garbage and loved him more thru his addiction and I was expecting my husband back times ten because how grateful he was going to be. He goes to places married men should not go alone and does what he wants and I only find out thru my best friend which is his sister. Am I crazy like he says or is he the one that is lying (again). My depression is at a all time high and I don’t eat or sleep for days because of this and have told him how I feel thousands of times and still cold. PLEASE ANY ADVICE FROM ANY WOMAN WILL HELP. I don’t have friends and my family treat me like I’m already dead.

        • Maya on February 22, 2024 at 10:09

          I am sorry to hear everything you are going through- it all sounds overwhelmingly tough.
          I think in your gut you know the answer. It sounds like you’ve made up your mind.
          Never lose your self-respect, self-worth and value to anyone.
          I would suggest some therapy, if you are able to access it or journaling and you will find your answer, although like I said before, it sounds like you know what is best for you.

    • Delia_with_it on January 29, 2024 at 14:40

      I feel your pain. Your situation and relationship are eerily similar to mine. Married 33yrs with 2 grown children. Sacrificed myself mostly to make sure the family was taken care of (I did everything!!!) I don’t think he could make this own doctor appointment of her needed to. The loneliness is crucifying because he doesn’t talk to me or listen to me. He only seems to hear when I talk about leaving. He won’t go to counselling I have been trying to get him to ho with me for years. He thinks nothing is wrong plus his pride is overwhelmingly massive. Can’t let anyone know our marriage is rocky much less on the verge of collapse
      He took a buyout from this work if 26yrs. He hasn’t worked for 8 months money doesn’t last forever. He is a lazy cling-on when not working. Money has been an issue between us because even though I worked took care of the kids the house…EVERYTHING… except the yard, the money we made was always a competition. Even though I would never earn as much a him and he knows it.
      I told him I was leaving and finally after he realised this is really happening he told me to just go! So here I am trying to figure out how to “just go” without losing everything.I would love to travel during this separation but its daunting by myself plus funds are getting low. I believe I am resourceful so not worried as much about money as I am about walking away without a safety net. I am interested to know how things are going for you and for Kathy the past you respond to.

  16. Maya on February 21, 2024 at 05:31

    I am at a crossroads at the minute. I love my husband so much but he doesn’t want a child. We said we wouldn’t when we got together but life has pushed me to change my mind and actually I do want to be a mum. My husband is set on his decision which I can understand. He is a good man, he loves me and cares for me like I am everything to him. Do I leave a good man in hope that I will find someone else and have a child. I just don’t believe I will find someone as amazing as he is, but I don’t want to end up resenting him.

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