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Understanding the Difference Between Coparenting and Parallel Parenting

Understanding the Difference Between Coparenting and Parallel Parenting

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Of all the complexities, strategies, and obligations involved in a divorce, none are as important as those involving children. The ability (or inability) of the parting couple to put their children above their own grievances is critical to the final arrangement. It’s also the essential difference between coparenting and parallel parenting.

Custody arrangements script more than just guardianship and a visitation calendar. They reflect the tone of the divorce and the maturity of the parents. And they lay the foundation for the children’s adaptability and happiness.

It has been almost half a century since joint custody became a custodial option, let alone the norm. 

Anyone who was a child of divorce before this major shift will remember a very different arrangement. The custodial parent, usually the mother, had legal and physical guardianship of the children. And the non-custodial parent had visitation, usually bi-weekly for a weekend.

You can probably imagine the emotional upending for parents and children alike. Anyone who has seen the 1979 Oscar-winning movie Kramer vs. Kramer can attest to the palpable agony of everyone involved.

For the non-custodial parent, being reduced to seeing your child only four days a month, while paying child support, could be emotionally eviscerating.

For the custodial parent, having full responsibility for your child, without the daily help from a spouse, could be overwhelming.

And for the child? Well, the effects of being raised by one parent, perhaps missing the other, and fielding alliance persuasions from both could be harrowing.

Important Terms to Learn

Before exploring the difference between coparenting and parallel parenting, let’s clarify a few terms that you will frequently hear.

Custody refers to the rights and responsibilities between parents for their children. It is divided into legal custody and physical custody. 

  • Legal custody refers to the right and responsibility to make important decisions for the child. Where will he go to school and church? Who will his doctors be? Can he travel out of state? 

One or both parents can have legal custody, contingent upon the amiability and communication between them.

  • Physical custody refers to where the child will live. Again, physical custody can be granted to one (sole) or both (joint) parents. 

It’s possible for parents to share legal custody but not physical custody. In this case, both would be involved in important decision-making. The child, however, would live with the primary custodian and have visitation with the other.

Visitation, while sounding like “physical custody,” refers to the actual arrangement for time spent with each parent. 

Having joint physical custody, for example, doesn’t mean the child has to split time 50/50 between parents. Because of school, friends, and other ties, a child will usually spend more time with one parent. 

You can probably get a sense of how these terms are going to play out in the different parenting arrangements.

The difference between coparenting and parallel parenting isn’t rooted in legal or physical custody. It’s rooted in the ability and commitment of the parents to behave and communicate in a responsible and amicable manner. 

A judge’s decision to establish one or the other will always come down to the best interests of the child(ren). 

To put it bluntly, if the two of you can’t be in the same room without snarling, arguing, or embarrassing your child, don’t plan on coparenting.

You may receive joint legal custody and even joint physical custody. But, if you can’t rise above who you are as exes to be exemplary parents, your child shouldn’t suffer the consequences.

So let’s start on a positive, best-case-scenario note: coparenting. 

The underlying premise of coparenting is that children of divorce benefit from having strong, healthy relationships with both parents. And both parents commit themselves to making that possible for the children.

While co-parenting may sound like the obvious choice, it relies on a special relationship between exes. It requires the kind of respect and healthy communication that you would naturally think could have saved your marriage in the first place.

What Does Coparenting Look Like?

  • You and your coparent are separated, divorced, or otherwise not romantically involved or cohabitating with one another.
  • You are both involved in important decisions involving your child, and you communicate openly and respectfully about them.
  • Communicationg occurs comfortably in various forms—in-person, by phone, by text, and by email.
  • You can be in the same room or at the same events for your child and be cordial. You actually make a point of both being present at important events like birthdays and school productions.
  • Both of you are flexible in matters of childrearing, accommodating things like changes in schedules, vacations, and transportation.
  • You allow your child to have a voice in the visitation arrangements. You understand that younger children don’t do well shuffling between homes. Older children, however, want more say in where they spend their time, and you both allow for that.
  • Your goodwill toward one another doesn’t preclude healthy boundaries. You don’t give false hope that you will be getting back together.
  • You are respectful and cordial toward your ex’s new spouse (if relevant). And you include him/her in communication when necessary for the good of your child.
  • Neither parent ever, ever bad-mouths the other in front of your child. You handle disagreements between adults only. And you share your frustrations (they will definitely happen) with adult friends, a counselor, a coach, or a support group.
  • You have a forum in place for conflict resolution to avoid problems.
  • Both of you want your child to witness his parents working together for his well-being.

The critical difference between coparenting and parallel parenting lies in the ability for and commitment to healthy communication with your ex. Sometimes, for possibly a laundry list of reasons, coparenting simply isn’t an option, and parallel parenting is the only viable solution.

What Does Parallel Parenting Look Like?

  • You and your ex may or may not share physical custody.
  • Your relationship with your ex is contentious, high-conflict, and you still harbor too much anger and negativity to communicate directly in a healthy way, even for your child.
  • You and your ex disengage. This may mean you limit direct contact in matters where you cannot communicate respectfully.
  • You and your ex, while sharing in major decisions, conduct your day-to-day parenting completely separately. Except for emergencies, you don’t check in with one another or impose your individual styles or expectations on one another. 
  • Your communication is “all business.” Nothing personal is exchanged—only necessary information about your child.
  • You avoid personal contact and talking by phone. This may mean you hand off your child without seeing or interacting with one another.
  • You use emails and calendars as your primary means of communication.
  • Neither one of you changes the schedule without a written agreement.
  • You never, ever use your child as a messenger or seek him as an ally against your ex.

The communication difference between coparenting and parallel parenting may make your arrangement seem carved in stone. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

Hopefully, if you begin with a coparenting relationship, you will not only be able to maintain it, but even improve upon it.

If the initial period after your divorce necessitates parallel parenting, however, there is still hope for evolution. 

Releasing Your Anger

Keep in mind that one of the most prohibitive things to coparenting is unresolved, unrelinquished anger. The belief that your life will never be good again can keep you in a state of seething resentment toward your ex.

But, once you start to discover and live the good things about life post-divorce, the anger will begin to fall away. Dedicate yourself to your own growth and accountability, and you will eventually step into a non-blaming ownership of your life. 

With a renewed focus on what can (and should) be, it will become easier to see beyond yourself. And you will become able to shift your focus to the priority and lifelong well-being of your child.

If both you and your ex can bring this kind of self-development to the table, co-parenting can become your new normal.

Notes

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional and often complicated experience of divorce. We invite you to learn what’s possible for you. Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS. Whether you are coping with divorce or are already navigating your life afterward, choose to acknowledge your vulnerability and learn from others. Choose not to go it alone.

Advice on Custody

Best Advice on Custody for Divorcing Moms

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Determining child custody can be the most challenging aspect of the divorce process. It’s important to know the facts in order to take the necessary steps to achieve what’s best for you and your children. Speak with your attorney about your options and how best to position yourself during this challenging time. Gathering key legal advice about custody can help you prepare for the challenges ahead.

Courts typically want children to benefit from time with both parents, so prepare yourself to hear the truth about the reality of your goals and expectations. The more information you have, the easier it will be to plan for you and your children’s emotional well-being.

Custody 101

First, it’s important and helpful to understand the legal terms with respect to custody. For the purpose of this article, I will discuss terms and custody in New York State (but know, divorce laws vary from state to state; which is why it’s important to discuss your situation with a lawyer practicing in your state.)

In New York State, child custody contains two parts: legal custody and residential (physical) custody.

  • Legal custody is the right and responsibility to make decisions about major issues affecting the child including education, medical and healthcare, therapeutic issues, and religion. In some cases, major decisions may also include decisions regarding child care, extracurricular activities, and camp.
  • Residential custody and/or physical custody pertains to where the child will physically live, and the access schedule for the non-custodial parent.

Sole Custody vs. Joint Custody

There are two types of legal custody in New York State: sole custody or joint legal custody.

  • Sole custody: One parent will make major life decisions. Sometimes the court will require a consultation. Other times, the parent who has sole legal custody must inform the other parent about the decision but the court may not require them to consult with the other parent.
  • Joint custody: Both parents contribute to major life decisions and jointly make such decisions; the parent with whom the child is residing is generally responsible for day-to-day decisions. At times, you may also have a hybrid model-joint legal custody with one parent having final decision making if the parents cannot jointly agree upon a major decision.  Another common term is “zones of decision making,” whereby one parent makes decisions about medical issues and another parent may make decisions about education. Essentially, the parents are dividing up the decision-making.

In determining legal custody in a divorce case, the Court will base their decision on the best interests of the child. Some issues that may define parental custody include your children’s special needs, learning differences, where they attend school, their wishes (in the case of older children), future goals, mental health issues (for parents as well as children), parental use of alcohol/drugs, and any domestic violence issues.

The secret key to gaining primary custody

But while all of these issues are important, the Court’s most important factor in determining custody might surprise you. That factor is which parent is most likely to foster a continuing relationship between the children and the other parent.

In fact, if I could give my clients a mantra as advice regarding custody it would be “fostering, fostering, fostering.” If you want to be the primary custodian, you must put aside all efforts to undermine your spouse. You must also demonstrate to the Court that you are most likely to ensure that both parents remain in your children’s life.

This might seem counterintuitive given that all of the other factors involve establishing that you are the “superior” choice, but it’s true. Children need the continuing presence of both parents in their lives, and Courts are highly sensitive to which parent is most likely to make sure that happens.

Managing expectations

When you meet with your attorney, be prepared to discuss both parents’ relationships and your varying roles with the children. Also be ready to discuss each parent’s relationships with the professionals (pediatricians, therapists, tutors, etc.) treating your children and appointment schedules for these meetings. The best advice for custody decisions is to be honest and informed.

It is not uncommon for parents and their children to have therapists. Many parents pursuing divorce may seek therapy for themselves or their children to help inform the children about divorce, aid with coparenting, and gain support while going through a difficult time period. If there are mental health issues, my best advice during custody disputes is to raise these issues with your attorney. You may also discuss reports and evaluations prepared by professionals at your children’s school, or outside professionals such as psychologists who are treating your children. You should be able to discuss any special needs and learning differences that impact your children.

What about domestic abuse?

Courts are also concerned about domestic violence, particularly when it occurs in the presence of children in the household. Plainly, it is not healthy for children to witness domestic violence against their parent.

Clients sometimes underplay the existence of domestic abuse even after they initiate divorce proceedings, but you need to be honest with your attorney as it may impact custody issues.

Let’s back up a moment and state very clearly at the outset what abuse is. At the most basic level, domestic abuse—also known as “intimate partner violence”—is about the desire of one partner to establish and maintain power and control over another.

Abuse can be psychological, emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial—even technological (using tracking devices or manipulating smart home technology to undermine a victim’s sanity). Abusers mix and match tactics from the list above to maintain control over their partners by forcing physical, emotional, and financial dependency and producing a continual fear that prevents their partners from challenging or leaving them.

I encounter abused spouses when they have finally mustered the courage to leave, more often than not because the abuse is so overwhelming that they can’t take it anymore. Before that, they frequently live in terrifying isolation, compounded by despair over being believed, since there are commonly no marks and therefore no evidence. Most significantly, they worry that if they aren’t believed and they end up in court, their children could face significant time alone with the abuser.

How to Get Help

Eventually, my clients will customarily get the orders of protection they need to protect themselves and their children from the abusive spouse. However, they are almost always confronted with questions about why they didn’t go to Court earlier, or why they didn’t report it to the police. They may be questioned about why there are no prior orders of protection to show the Judge, no hospital records, or no records of the abuse at all. When the judge asks me these questions, I have to explain: “Because they were terrified for themselves and their children and, most importantly, too ashamed to speak about the abuse.”

It is important to be honest with your attorney from the outset to get the help you need.

If you are fearful for your or your children’s safety, please visit The Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224 or (206) 518-9361 (Video Phone Only for Deaf Callers) or Safe Horizon.

If possible, resolve your divorce without going to Court

With the exception of abuse cases, remember that the best agreements are those you and your spouse reach yourselves (in concert with your attorneys). Going to Court is always a risk as you are handing decisions about your life and your children’s lives over to one individual (the Judge) who doesn’t know you and/or your spouse. Nevertheless, if you are unable to reach an agreement through negotiations, it may be necessary to involve the Court.

 

Notes

Lisa Zeiderman, a managing partner at Miller Zeiderman LLP, a Founding Member of the American Academy of Certified Financial Litigation, a Divorce Financial Analyst, practices in all areas of matrimonial and family law including but not limited to matters involving custody, an equitable distribution of assets, child support and the negotiation and drafting of prenuptial and postnuptial agreements. Once divorced, Lisa is a mom and is remarried. She strategically and creatively crafts each case from the time of the first consultation to its resolution, in order to achieve the client’s ultimate goals.

 

Since 2012, SAS for Women supports women through the unexpected challenges they face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.