Should I divorce? Should I stay for the kids? How will I survive?

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Woman walking on beach thinking about divorce

36 Things to Do If You Are Thinking About Divorce

If you are thinking about divorce, your thoughts can fluctuate, ranging from the mere, fleeting imaginings of what life might be like if you were single, to the repetitive, torturous thought process of “Should I or shouldn’t I divorce?” While one end of the spectrum is entirely normal for many people, the other end can signal serious problems in and for a marriage.

Based on our background in education and experience working with clients in our divorce practice, we’ve identified the following 36 things that can help you understand where you are on the spectrum of contemplating divorce and what steps you can take to gain greater clarity and stop the recurring thought process.

As you complete each step you will be doing more than merely thinking about divorce. You will begin to better understand which direction your marriage and life might go.

  1. As you first contemplate divorce, you may or may not know if you want to divorce. Accept that this is entirely normal. What you “want” may be entirely different from what you ultimately decide you “must” do. Your job right now is to study and learn what is possible for you and your family.
  2. Educate yourself. It’s likely that you feel you’ve reached an impasse in your marriage and your emotions may be all over the place. You might be incredibly angry and lashing out. Or perhaps you have retreated, feeling despondent, probably depressed. This is to be expected, but you should not be making long-term decisions from this emotional place. Start educating yourself by looking for credible divorce resources. Visit your nearby bookstore or search online. There is a wealth of information available to you for free.
  3. Understand that getting educated about the choices you have for your life does not mean you are necessarily getting divorced. You are learning about your options and what your rights are so you can ultimately make a good decision from an informed place.
  4. Establish a new (secret) email account dedicated to this subject. Take care to use a “private” or “incognito” window so that the computer does not create a history of where you’ve been when you go to log on. And take time to create a new email address. Use this email to sign up for divorce information and newsletters that might advance your thinking and understanding.
  5. Save cash. Should you decide to pursue divorce, you will need access to money. If all your money is in joint accounts with your spouse, check with a lawyer as to when you can open your own account, or start stashing cash in a safe, secret place. Maybe you’ll never need it, but if you do, you’ll be glad you started saving now.
  6. If you feel you may be a victim of abuse, take action immediately.  There are many signs and forms of abuse, and sometimes it’s difficult to know if you are a victim. A clear sign is this: If you find yourself constantly watching what you are saying and doing, or walking on eggshells around your spouse–lest you trigger him/her and “cause” a blow up, you are likely in an unhealthy and abusive relationship.  Focus your attention there.  Read more about this and take action to protect yourself and your children. You may feel you can handle it, but things will not improve unless you do something to change the way things are now.
  7. Make a list of your most critical financial questions.  If you divorce, will you have to get a job if you’ve been a stay-at-home-mom? If you have debt, do you understand half the marital debt is yours? Should you use your IRA to help pay for your divorce? Keep a running list of questions as they occur to you.
  8. Be careful in whom you confide – this includes family.  Few people can be truly objective, and fewer still are marriage or divorce experts. Yet, there are plenty of opinions and judgements. Just because your neighbor got burned by his ex, does not mean that’s what’s in store for you if you choose to divorce.
  9. Do your best to conduct your research from a healthy mindset. It’s easy to vilify and blame your spouse for the problems that exist, but deep down, you know no one is totally faultless. As you learn about the issues in your marriage and what is possible for your lives, try to avoid the adversarial, vindictive, blame-gaming, and often, gender-bashing attitudes some books, some social media posts, or some people propagate.
  10. Evaluate your biggest fears. Do you fear you cannot “afford a divorce?” Are you afraid what divorce would do to your kids and thus, staying in a marriage “for the kids”?  Writing down your fears may help you examine their validity.  You may recognize you cannot not afford a divorce because you need your sanity…or that you are really hiding behind the kids so that you don’t have to be a single parent or face being alone.
  11. Think of how your kids are being impacted now and will be impacted long term. If you are a parent, and you and your spouse are fighting, look at yourselves as your kids might view you. You may think they don’t know what’s going on, but on some level they do, and it’s anxiety inducing for them. Your lack of clarity and unresolved difficulties or the warzone you have created is playing out in their lives, too.
  12. Avoid venting on social media. Watch out for where you vent and be wary of social media. If you say something online, it’s there forever and can be used against you. Same for emails. Before posting or hitting SEND, review what you are saying as if you were a courtroom judge. Be very careful.
  13. Recognize that marriage does not come with an owner’s manual. In our culture, most of us are poorly prepared for making a marriage work. Often it is something we learn — or fail to learn — behind the marital door. At this point in your relationship, it’s not worth beating yourself up…that energy is better spent figuring out what to do about your situation today and how you will move forward tomorrow.
  14. Ask yourself, is there is any love left? Do you still love your spouse? Love is sometimes hard to find when you are consumed by anger, resentment, or are stressed out from overworking, parenting, or a million, everyday struggles. If there’s even a hint of love left, however, it’s worth asking the question, “Can we re-ignite it?”
  15. If you decide to stay in the marriage, set your intention and begin work together. Discuss with your spouse how you are going to work on your marriage so you begin to do things differently and not repeat the same old story. It’s unlikely that you will be able to do this without the support of a professional, so we suggest that you seek a trained marriage counselor.
  16. Evaluate what you have done as a couple to repair your relationship. Have you sought good quality help? Not all couples therapy is created equal. If you’re working with a therapist and you’re not making progress, it does not mean you should necessarily divorce. Investigate which types of marital therapy have the best success rates and find a trained practitioner who will teach you how to communicate with each other and help you both understand that growth and change require a deep commitment from both of you.
  17. Consider Discernment Counseling. Particularly helpful to couples where one partner wants to divorce and the other wishes to repair the relationship, discernment counseling helps couples understand if their problems are solvable. An added benefit is that the counseling is designed to be short term and to help you answer the important question, “Should we get a divorce?”
  18. Think about your role in the difficulties of the marriage and do not isolate yourself. If you are convinced that marital therapy is not working or that your spouse is not participating, or that your efforts to try to do things differently are failing, do not isolate yourself. Seek to move beyond wondering if you should divorce. Being alone darkens your sense of possibility and hope. It keeps you in a spin cycle of overthinking.
  19. Begin assembling a list of your most critical legal questions. Do you separate or do you divorce? If you were to divorce, how do you go about it? Do you know the different ways? Is Mediation an option for you? How do you find a good attorney? What are your rights? What do you not know?
  20. Read about the divorce laws in your state. Laws vary and what is possible in one state may not be possible in yours.  Most states have a section on the court website to help you understand the divorce process where you live. Start there.
  21. Consider a Time Out. Often when there’s a physical shift between a couple, it’s easier to think straight and reflect on what is really important. Consider taking a long vacation away from the other, or a house-sitting job. If you wish to live separately make sure you consult with an attorney in your state before doing anything — especially if you have children.
  22. Organize and prioritize your most critical practical questions. If you’ve never paid the bills before, how would you begin?  If you work overtime most days, who would be home for the children after school — if your spouse is no longer there? Keep a running list and add to it as you think of things.
  23. Move beyond the cyclical thought process of thinking about divorce by consulting compassionate, professional support. We recommend your first step be a consultation with a divorce coach. A divorce coach can help you understand the legal and emotional process you may be facing and the issues that are holding you back from making a decision. A good divorce coach will help you evaluate what’s real and not, and help you take steps to face your fears. A divorce coach can also explain the different legal processes that may be available to you. Learning about your choices will allow you to go deeper and be more educated if you choose to then consult with the next level of experts (lawyers, financial advisors, mediators) whose hourly rate is often more expensive.
  24. Ask your divorce coach, therapist, and friends for vetted referrals to other experts, including lawyers. You are seeking perspective and feedback on your situation, and if you think you are ready to hire someone, you are looking for chemistry and someone you can trust.
  25. Schedule consultations with several attorneys and/or a mediator.  We recommend that you interview several. Bring your legal questions from step #19, or for more information, read here for additional questions. Don’t forget your notebook for taking notes and your last 3 years’ tax returns (if possible.)
  26. Consider having your friend or divorce coach accompany you to some or all of these professional meetings. There is a lot to learn and keep track of at the same time you are feeling stressed. Having an ally to help you take notes and bounce ideas off after meetings will lessen your strain on trying to be on top of everything.
  27. Strategize about how you might pay for a divorce. Will you use joint money, a loan, a credit card, your secret stash (#5), or borrow money from a friend or relative or from a saving account or your IRA? Learn the laws about “counsel fees” in your state and ask the attorneys you are interviewing how you might pay their retainer and ongoing fees.
  28. Branch out and talk to more experts who can help you answer your other questions. Often a financial advisor experienced in divorce will think of things a lawyer will not mention. S/he can possibly help you strategize how you might pay for a divorce or what might be in your interest to ask for in the settlement. A child therapist who has counseled other parents through divorce may do much to help you support your child. A real estate broker might advise you on your practical housing questions, such as the pros and cons of renting vs. buying if you divorce, or what your house might be appraised for. When a question comes to mind, think about who is out there and who might have the answer for you.
  29. Understand there will come a tipping point and you will make a decision about divorce. Despite your best efforts to get educated beyond just thinking about divorce, rarely will you know 100 percent if you should or should not follow through. Usually there remains some portion of ambivalence, but know that at some moment in time, you will reach a saturation point of information and either you’ll be ready to make the decision to stay or go — or the decision will be forced upon you.
  30. You are not ready for divorce If you cannot accept changes. If you cannot accept there will be a change to your finances, lifestyle, friendship groups, or traditions, you are not ready for divorce. If you cannot accept uncertainty … that at times there will be fear and unknowns, then you are not ready for divorce. On the other hand, you may have no choice. In which case, you must face your greatest fears. Seek support.
  31. If you decide to move ahead with the divorce, set your intention. Determine how you want to conduct yourself throughout this difficult passage and beyond. Remind yourself you will have no control over your spouse, but you will try your best to control how you act and react. If you have children, ask yourself what is the model you want to show them? Write down the image of yourself as the parent you want to be. Establishing a clear image of who you want to be and what you want to demonstrate for your kids will help you in this next often-difficult stage.
  32. Understand that you want to avoid divorce court if you can help it. Rarely is anyone completely happy with the terms of his/her divorce, but to avoid getting a judge involved, you will have to be flexible, negotiate in good faith, and compromise on tough issues. Being stubborn or vindictive is what drives people to litigation. That means court. (The truth is that less than 10% of cases end up in a full blown trial; but those that do, end up with massive legal bills and a destroyed relationship.)
  33. Start collecting your financial information.  If you choose to begin divorce proceedings, you will be required to disclose your finances early in the process. Most states have a required financial statement form (though different states have different names for it — check your state court website). Begin filling it out or hunting down the information to get a head start.
  34. Learn what your next steps are and what the process will look like. A divorce coach will act as your guide throughout the process, but if you are not working with one (or cannot afford one at this time) consider a good divorce support group that is professionally facilitated and where you will learn from the experiences of other women.  Read this article to learn meaningful criteria for a good divorce support group, and find one on-line or near you. Feeling supported and heard, will lessen your anxiety and stress.
  35. Be kind to yourself. Understand that there will be times you feel crazy, like you’ve returned to your old loop of contemplating divorce and wondering if you are doing the right thing. But because you followed many of these steps, you are not embarking on this path lightly. You have taken every opportunity to be thoughtful about facing this major life-change, divorce, and though you many not desire this outcome, you have done your homework.
  36. Know that there is life after divorce. What stands directly in front of you is moving through the divorce process and ensuring your divorce recovery. It will be challenging. But for you and your family to stand the best shot at a healthy life afterwards, you must continue to step forward mindfully and with intention. There is life after divorce. You probably cannot see it yet. You certainly cannot feel it. But it’s there, bigger and better than you can imagine, waiting for you.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce.

SAS offers women 6, FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.” – SAS for Women 

A woman walking through nature thinking about the signs of divorce

The Signs of Divorce and How to Spot Them

Divorce can sometimes feel like it comes out of the blue—one day you are “happily married,” and the next, your spouse is asking you to sign on the dotted line. The world you’ve built together seems like it’s falling apart. Other times, there are clear signs of divorce, ones that you may have noticed and ones that you may be ignoring.

One of the biggest signs of divorce might just be that you’re here, reading this post. Deciding whether or not to divorce your husband* may be something that’s been weighing on your mind for quite some time. We get it. Before divorce, it feels like a giant leap to take, and it’s only after that you realize what you were always capable of—that you’re stronger than you realize.

Right now you might be in need of a friend who can make sense of all the competing emotions and choices at war inside you. We’re happy to be that person for you. The following six signs of divorce are good indicators that your marriage and your relationship with your husband are not in the healthiest place. If these feel familiar, it might be time to take a step back and reevaluate your marriage and to learn what else is possible.

1. The fighting has stopped

Yes, on the surface, the end of arguing might seem like a good thing—no fighting means you and your husband are on the same page, right? Not exactly. Whether you’re fighting over big things like how to manage finances or small things like which brand of toothpaste to buy, if the arguments have stopped without actually being resolved, it can be a sign that one of you has simply given up.

Having disagreements, expressing opposing or conflicting opinions, and then working them out means that you and your husband are invested in creating a lasting future together. Once your investment in your marriage stops, the possibility of divorce becomes more and more likely.

2. You’re arguing way more than usual

Yes, there is such a thing as fighting too little and fighting too much. Conflicts happen, but as adults, we must learn how to work through disagreements in a healthy way. If small arguments have suddenly become huge battles within your household, arguments that end with no resolution and tension that lingers in the air like a bad taste in your mouth, something has fundamentally changed between you and your husband—and not in a good way.

Once a relationship becomes so antagonistic that arguments simply never end, divorce is one way to find peace once again and escape from an unhealthy or potentially abusive situation.

3. Your finances are in a bad place

Marriage is hard, and money problems make marriage even more difficult. If one or both of you are having issues at work and your income isn’t what it used to be, that extra pressure can compound the problems in your marriage. You and your husband might not be on the brink of bankruptcy, but maybe you two have fundamentally different ideas on how a person budgets and spends money. You, for instance, might want savings safely tucked away in case of an emergency while he might prefer to spend any extra money he has on the latest gadget.

For whatever reason, you two are in a bad place financially, and you aren’t seeing eye to eye. We might not like it, but money is key to our survival and one of the biggest sources of stress in a marriage. This is one of those situations that isn’t likely to change without some serious communication and work on both of your parts, and if both of you aren’t willing to budge? It might be time to talk about divorce.

4. You don’t feel connected to your husband anymore

Fridays used to be date nights, but now things have changed. You can’t really remember the last time you two had a good talk, or the last time you’ve gone out and truly enjoyed each other’s company. At the dinner table, it sometimes feels like you’re sitting across from a roommate or, worse, a stranger who just happens to share the same space.

If it’s been a while since you and your husband have invested time in each other, then you’re not maintaining an emotionally intimate connection, and you can lose that spark you once had. This is called emotional disengagement, where one or both parties in a marriage have stopped investing in maintaining emotional intimacy. Once you and your husband no longer feel like a couple, divorce starts to make more and more sense. It feels like an inevitability and the only way to find someone else you do have an emotional connection with.

5. There’s a lack of physical intimacy in your marriage

Yes, sex matters. Especially in marriage. Emotional intimacy is important, and one reflection of strong emotional intimacy within a marriage manifests itself as a strong physical connection between two partners. If you can’t remember the last time you and your husband were intimate, and there’s a clear change in how often you sleep together, you might have something to worry about.

Sometimes the source of the change is obvious—it’s medical, for instance, or there are young children at home, problems at work, or another source of stress. But combined with other factors in your relationship, a lack of physical intimacy becomes a worrisome sign that divorce may be on the horizon.

6. Your or your husband’s focus is outside the relationship

You two are no longer working on building something together, but instead, you find yourself more invested in things outside of your marriage, such as a club, the gym, or a large project at work. Maybe your husband has been spending a lot of late nights at the office, or he spends most weekends working on his golf swing with friends. You find yourself spending more and more time alone. Marriage can get boring, just like anything, and sometimes instead of looking inward and finding interests to share, grow, or explore with a partner, we turn to people in our lives who we’re already engaged with (or who we’d like to be).

When you and your husband have stopped making time for each other, it’s a sign that something’s wrong in your marriage that neither of you are willing to look at head on and address. Without working together to form a solid marriage, you two are actively growing emotionally apart and that can lead you down the road to divorce.

If you recognize one or more of these signs of divorce in your own marriage, it might be time to think about the future—your future, specifically. Do you see your husband in that future? Do these challenges in your marriage feel like things the two of you can overcome together?

If you want to salvage your marriage and you think that it’s not too late, talking to your husband about going to counseling is one option. And if so, we recommend this kind of marital support. You can also reach out to a divorce coach to fully understand all of the options in front of you, no matter which path you take (even if you decide not to get a divorce).

The truth is that even if you want to salvage your marriage, once you start seeing the signs of divorce, things might already be too far along for you and your husband to work together to solve the problems in your marriage. Knowing your options is the best way to protect yourself, your children, and your husband in case divorce is inevitable. Together, you can work on what you must navigate near term, and what your post-divorce future will look like so you can start down the path to your divorce recovery. It might be even better than you expect.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to support them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. SAS offers women 6 FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future.

“When a woman comes through divorce with the proper guidance and her questions answered, her life stands before her like something she could never imagine while she was is in the dark.” ~ SAS for Women

This article was authored for the all-women website SAS for Women by Melanie Figueroa, a writer and content editor who loves discussing women’s issues and creativity. 

 

*At SAS for Women, we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

Save your marriage

7 Last-Ditch Efforts to Save Your Marriage When Divorce Appears on the Horizon

A healthy marriage takes work. There’s no questioning that. It requires balancing schedules, maintaining a home, and dividing and conquering whatever life throws your way. And when you add kids into the mix, dealing with all of that can become a full-time job. Maintaining your marriage can quickly slip into a need to save your marriage. Or at least, it feels quick. Like most things in life, we see most of the signs only in hindsight.

Even though a marriage takes work, when it feels like that’s all you ever do, it can start to feel like there is no hope for the two of you—and living in that place is another sort of scary. Surrendering to those feelings and giving up on your marriage may seem like the right thing to do. And in the end, it may be. But one last-ditch effort is almost always worth it.

After all, once you let go of the resentment and make room for true healing, there may still be a spark there. Will you regret exploring some ways to turn that spark into a flame? It’s pretty doubtful. Trying to save your marriage is well worth your time and energy.

Here are 7 common last-ditch efforts to save your marriage when divorce appears to be on the horizon.

1. Slow down

Stop talking about divorce, and focus on saving your marriage. In fact, go even further and try your best to stop thinking about divorce too. It’s like that saying about having your feet in two boats—you’re bound to fall into deep waters.

When things get bad in a marriage, couples tend to jump straight to talk about divorce. When your mindset is changed and you’re focused on how to save your marriage, your attention shifts to fixing the source of your problems instead of simply walking away from them.

2. Go to counseling

If you haven’t tried counseling, it’s worth giving it a go. The key is to find a counselor who both you and your husband* feel comfortable with. Otherwise, your sessions will feel one-sided.

Another crucial thing to remember about counseling is that you just don’t go to the sessions and leave with all of your problems solved. Counseling gives you the tools you need to work on your marriage outside of each session. You need to go into it with that understanding. If the two of you have been doing well with counseling, that’s a great sign that you can overcome whatever it is that you’re dealing with, but those results must eventually extend to your everyday life.

3. Acknowledge your partner’s dreams

A lot of marriages fall apart because one person feels like they are constantly making sacrifices. Find out what your husband really wants to achieve in life and help him go after it, or if it’s you who’s feeling this way, find a way to voice your wants and needs.

Whether it’s dreams of being a painter or building handmade furniture, help each other carve out some time and chase that dream. The alternative is a lot of anger and resentment. Make sure that’s not the case in your marriage. And if you find that you’re already there, work toward balancing the load.

4. A romantic getaway

Sometimes all you need is a romantic trip to reignite the flame in your marriage. It may seem like a quick fix, but the truth is that a change of perspective really can work wonders. That’s not to say that one trip can save your marriage, of course, but the time away from “the real world” can make problems that seemed too big to conquer less daunting. It can remind you that there are other ways to live, and it may not be your marriage that isn’t serving you.

5. Say anything session

A “say anything” session might be a great way to get all your cards out on the table. Simply set the ground rules—what you say at this session stays at this session. You must talk it through during the meeting and resolve it. After that, it all becomes water under the bridge.

Another important thing about say anything sessions—though you likely guessed this already—is that you can say whatever you want. You don’t have to hold back. While it’s good to be able to say what you’re thinking, be prepared to listen too. Really listening is vital because the end goal is to make changes that will benefit both of you.

Ideally, you will both learn to communicatively more effectively over time and no longer need these sessions, but in the meantime, they can help open up a dialogue between you and your husband.

6. Change the victim mindset

A lot of divorces occur because one partner continually feels like the victim of the other partner’s choices. Your husband has a gambling problem, for instance, or they’re addicted to video games. Or maybe you shop too much. One partner has chosen a career that’s led to financial setbacks or that takes too much time away from your relationship. (Money is typically a common reason for divorce and relationship problems in general.) Someone’s mother is around a lot or her say pulls too much weight in decisions.

Whatever it is, one important thing to remember in any relationship is that you are responsible for your own emotions. No one can make you feel a particular way. Your perspective is yours. And you can choose the way you frame your particular challenges in your mind and how you choose to tackle them, together.

7. A short break

Sometimes taking a week or so to sort through your feelings can be another excellent way to put things into perspective. But before you take a break, make sure you establish a realistic time frame. It’s not a separation—it’s just a short break, so it should only be a few days. And it should, ideally, end with some sort of epiphany. The goal is to take some time and sort through your feelings. It’s not about taking a vacation.

Marriage is hard work. But if you make the commitment, it’s because you loved your husband enough to spend the rest of your life with him. That also has to mean it’s worth your time and energy to explore ways to save your marriage and make it last.

Of course, if you find that you still can’t stop thinking about getting a divorced, maybe you really are overthinking leaving your husband and beyond saving your marriage. If that sounds like you, consider working with a divorce coach to help you make the decision that’s right for you and your family. Counseling, romantic getaways—sometime none of it is enough in the end, and we need to be around women who’ve been here, in this in-between place, before us to know which path to take on the journey ahead.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to support them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce.

SAS offers women 6 FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.” – SAS for Women 

*At SAS for Women, we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

divorce process

The Divorce Process: What You Must Know as a Woman

We work with smart women, and because you’re here, we know you’re one of us. During the divorce process, we also know that sometimes, smart women believe they can outthink their pain, outlogic it. If their pain were a landmark on a map, a deep river splitting the ground in two, they’d lose whole days planning a route around it. But with divorce, the river is never ending, and the only way to get around it is to jump in and swim through.

If you’ve gone through a particularly bad breakup before, it’s easy to underestimate just how difficult the divorce process can be. It’s not just the emotional upheaval it brings to your life—for you may “get over” being married quickly. You may even move on to other romantic partners or physically reside in different homes, but none of this changes the fact that your union, your relationship, is legally recognized, something that may differ from relationships in your past. Your marriage isn’t truly over until the courts say it is.

These two sides to the divorce process, the emotional and the legal, require different things of you.

You’re on a journey, but this journey may sometimes feel like it’s pulling you in different directions, asking you at times to bury your emotions and focus on the practical and then demanding that you confront your demons so you can exorcise them.

Knowing when, where, and how to handle the myriad pieces of this divorce process is half the battle. Below is the easy-to-digest breakdown of the divorce process. As you read about and, even, journey through, keep in mind you don’t have to have all the answers—only some of them. Divorce professionals, the right kind of friends, constructive support groups, and family can help you get through the rest.

Decide what you really want

And that word really is important. We’re not talking about figuring out what you used to want. Or what you kind of want. Or even what you think other people want you to want.

We’re asking what you really want. Getting that honest with yourself can be absolutely terrifying because acting on whatever your truth is might mean tearing your world apart and putting it back together.

If you want a career that your husband doesn’t support, then for you each to be happy, you may have to leave him. If you want a lifestyle your husband doesn’t buy into, then you might have to leave him. If you want a marriage built on open communication but, instead, your husband would rather close parts of himself off and keep secrets, then you might have to leave him. If you want to be happy and your husband thinks “happiness” is a different thing than you, then you might have to leave him. No matter what problems you are having in your marriage, everything hinges on that question of what you might have to do and the fear that’s keeping you from doing it.

Sometimes deciding what you really want means making it a point to get in touch with friends or family members who know you best, who will be honest with you and who, in turn, you can open up to. Other times it means getting still and quiet, digging down into the depths of yourself and taking a look at what you find there.

Of course, there will be pain as you “go there.” But chances are there’s already been a lot of pain, which is what brings you to reading this page.

Get the support you need before you act

We recommend a woman get fully informed on her choices in life before she makes any big decisions, including telling her husband she wants a divorce. And that the best first stop for that, strategically and economically, is with a seasoned divorce coach—a “thinking partner” who can you help you understand both your emotional and legal journey, what your choices truly are, and what good decision-making looks like.

A coach will bring down your stress levels by helping you understand what questions you must answer first and which ones can wait, or what type of divorce (traditional, mediated, collaborative, or DIY) is right for you. And if you’re not sure about getting a divorce—if you’re just wondering what “normal” even means in a marriage—a coach can help you with that too. (That’s right, meeting with a divorce coach does not mean you are necessarily divorcing.) A coach will also be able to make good referrals, like the best lawyer for your circumstances or the name of a well-respected mediator to interview.

Depending on the circumstances of your marriage, you may have the impulse to punish your husband throughout the divorce process in any way you can. Maybe I’ll blindside him, you’ll think to yourself. I’d love to see the look on his face when he’s served with papers. But doing this starts the divorce process off with nothing but charged emotions, ill will, and resentment—and that’s a bad recipe for both your own recovery and any relationship you and your Ex might have in the future. To say nothing about what it could do to the kids. A divorce coach will help you understand what to do with your anger or sense of betrayal, so you don’t lead from a reactive emotional place that often leads to worse, spiraling lawyer costs and wasted energies.

Consult with a divorce lawyer

A divorce lawyer isn’t just going to file paperwork for you and represent you in court—a good one will also help you set expectations so that you understand going into the divorce process what you’ll be facing. Divorce laws vary state by state, and every case operates on its own timeline. If your soon-to-be Ex isn’t being cooperative or there are circumstances, like abuse, that make protecting both yourself and your children especially crucial, then your attorney can help you by taking steps with the court, like an order of protection or, at the very least, ordering your husband to move out of the marital home.

Prepare as much as you can before filing

Prepare, and then prepare some more. The more knowledge you have throughout the divorce process, the more in control you will feel. But don’t just stop there. Get copies of family photographs or other mementos that you’re sentimental about. Set up your own bank accounts and credit cards if you don’t already have them, and change the passwords to your accounts so that your husband no longer has access to them.

Gather important documents, like birth certificates, mortgage statements, and insurance policies, and make sure you understand your financial situation. If you’re working with a divorce coach, she can put you in touch with a certified divorce financial analyst who can help you understand the big picture, like if you can afford to keep the house. After divorce, it’s not likely that you’ll be able to maintain the lifestyle you led as a married woman, and the more that you prepare for this new future, the better off you’ll be.

Be kind to yourself

There’s the end of your marriage, and then there’s the end of your marriage. By that, we mean, there’s the moment you truly realize your marriage is over. You’re not in love anymore, or maybe something has happened—a betrayal, for instance—that you can’t come back from. And then there’s the moment you actually do something about the end of your marriage—you talk with a divorce coach, consult with an attorney, you negotiate the terms of your divorce, and you file the paperwork.

Everything we’ve covered so far deals largely with the practical, legal, and financial aspects of divorce, but mixed up in there are a whole lot of emotions. Even if you feel a sense of relief now that your marriage is ending, you’re feeling so many other things it’s almost impossible to pinpoint your exact mood from one moment to the next.

Are you happy? Maybe. Are you miserable? Always, except when I’m not. Are you lonely? Even in a crowd. Are you angry? Oh, yes, there’s a lot of that to go around. Are you keeping it together? I have to.

Much of the divorce process is riding out these highs and lows until the road evens out again, the journey becomes smoother, or maybe you just become better for all of it.

Get ready for life after divorce

Your divorce is final when you receive your signed divorce decree, or judgment of divorce, from the court. After that you can change your name, if you want to, and take further steps to separate yourself as much as possible from your Ex financially, such as removing them from insurance policies or your will.

But if you have children, then coparenting them can be another obstacle you must learn to overcome—hopefully together, with your Ex.

Even with DIY divorces or mediation, the divorce process can be long, and the ending of a marriage can feel a lot like grieving. But what, exactly, you are actually grieving feels uncertain. Your relationship with your husband? Your sense of family? Your ability to trust others? The image you projected as the perfect couple, the couple your friends liked? Or what your marriage could have been?

After divorce, all of it seems to have gotten so far away from you, and perspective takes time. Be patient with and kind to yourself. We recommend practicing self-care throughout this journey (and really, always) and taking steps to find your support network if you don’t already have one.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your free, 45-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

*At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

The reality of divorce in New York

The Reality of Divorce in New York

People know New York for its glitz, glamour, and grit. Everything’s loud, over-caffeinated and fast-paced. For some who experience the loneliness of all this, there can be the feeling of being left out, of never being enough, of someone else always lining up to replace you. But despite all of this, or in response, New Yorkers are equally known for being tough and seemingly invulnerable. Even when it comes to romance. Romance, New York style is often over the top or of the quirky variety, the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet. Think Carrie and Mr. Big. Harry and Sally. Jane Fonda and Robert Redford in Barefoot in the Park. It’s the kind of romance they write love songs about. Until it’s not. But divorce in New York? Well, in most of our minds, breakups are equally cinematic. Flash to messy scenes from the Real Housewives of New York, or nuggets of gossip passed privately through whispers, then splashed across Page Six for anyone to see.

Yet, for all those clichés, in reality, divorce in New York State is far more mundane than any image you carry in your mind. In fact, according to the Center for Disease Control, the divorce rate in New York in 2011 was 2.9 for every 1,000 residents. That’s a lower rate than most states in the country!

Of course, when the divorce is happening to us it doesn’t have to be the literal end of the world to feel like it’s the end of ours. Your divorce might come as a complete shock, or it may seem like a long time coming. Either way, it can all feel surreal, like you’re having an out of body experience. How you wish it were just a movie! Yet, this is your life. You are getting a divorce. And throughout your divorce, the surprises may keep coming, bringing out the worst and the best of you.

You may not be feeling so much like Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City—young and colorful and ready to take on the world—as you are Sarah Jessica Parker in HBO’s Divorce, a little jaded and angry, feeling dull around the edges but looking for reasons to hope.

If that’s you, if you’re done considering divorce or have had divorce forced upon you, then here’s a primer highlighting what to expect when getting a divorce in New York.

Divorce law in New York

In New York, there are two kinds of divorces, a contested divorce and an uncontested divorce.

In an uncontested divorce, the most trouble-free approach, you and your husband agree about the need for a divorce and you believe you will come to terms on how your property gets divided and how your children are cared for. On your own or with the help of lawyers or a mediator, you and your husband come to an agreement on everything and do not need the court to get involved to divide assets or make decisions about spousal or child support or custody.

Typically, an uncontested divorce moves more quickly through the system. It’s less complicated and less expensive. You will likely never set foot inside a courtroom with an uncontested divorce.

In a contested divorce, you and your husband are not in agreement about any or all of these things. (Hello, your marriage?) If there are disagreements, and often there are, you will likely need the help of a legal professional(s) to resolve them. The more intense the disagreements, the more expensive the process can become and the greater risk you run of having to go to court to have a judge decide.

Many couples will begin the process of a contested divorce and then, before trial, reach an agreement. This is a settlement.

Thanks to the Internet, though, it’s become increasingly popular to consider a Pro Se or DIY divorce and thereby eliminate the costs of lawyers. Couples who do this successfully are couples who are almost always in agreement. (Hmmm.) They are doing an uncontested divorce.

Ask yourself:

  • Are you and your husband really in agreement about everything?
  • What are the critical issues?
  • Do you understand the finances?
  • Do you understand spousal support?
  • What about child support?
  • What are your options for custody arrangements?
  • How are you going to handle your debt? Whose debt is whose?

Our experience is that most women do not know these things, nor do their husbands—but the idea of saving money on legal fees (or being bullied into the DIY process) blinds them from finding out what they are each entitled to by law. There’s a phrase, “You don’t know what you don’t know,” and it couldn’t be more aptly used for this scenario.

How can you split things up if you don’t understand what you’re splitting — like the finances (are you aware of their long-term tax implications?) Or what negotiated variable is going to benefit you more in the long run? You need feedback from someone who’s an expert on your situation.

In short, we recommend you NOT consider a DIY or online approach unless you have no children, there is no debt and little or no assets, and the marriage has not been for very long. And if you do pursue a DIY model, we encourage you to consult with an attorney privately at least once (but preferably throughout your completing the paperwork).

Divorce facts in New York

New York also allows you to get either an at-fault divorce (you must prove your husband is responsible for the need to divorce) or a no-fault divorce.

For most people, it’s easier to seek a no-fault divorce. You don’t have to prove anything other than the relationship is irretrievably broken. “To qualify” in New York, the relationship must be broken for at least six months. Also, New York usually requires that you or your spouse have lived in New York State for at least one year before you can file for divorce.

New York is often associated with all things progressive and liberal, but it was actually the last state in the country to allow no-fault divorce. That means that until 2010, getting a divorce in New York almost always meant that one spouse had to prove the other spouse did something wrong and is to blame. What’s more cinematic than a jilted lover or “cold-heartedly” calculating your actions to create a case where you are the wronged party? It’s a recipe for disaster, for heightening emotions and irrational behavior—for people to lash out and for proceedings to get ugly and expensive and to heighten the risk of going to court.

This said, you can still get an at-fault divorce in New York. To do so, a spouse must have the “legal grounds,” which usually involves adultery, cruel or inhuman treatment, or abandonment. Most divorce lawyers in New York will advise you not to go the at-fault route no matter the dramatic details you may throw their way. It is generally considered a poor use of resources to have a trial on grounds now since the system no longer requires it.

With this in mind, you will want to make sure you understand why your lawyer is pushing for an at-fault divorce, such as “cruel and inhuman treatment,” and how it will benefit your situation as opposed to pursuing a no-fault divorce. We had a client, for example, whose husband had serious mental health issues and refused to seek treatment. Her lawyer filed an at-fault divorce for “cruel and inhuman treatment” as a strategy to protect the children and to impact the custody arrangement, so the children were not left alone with him until he was fully recovered, healthy and functioning.

New York is an equitable distribution state

In New York, assets (the things you own) get divided through “equitable distribution,” meaning, in general, everything you owned prior to getting married is your separate property and everything acquired after your marriage gets divided as fairly as possible.

The separation of property—how you will divide it up—is negotiated between you and your husband, or more likely, by your lawyers after they have consulted with each of you, or with the help of a mediator. But it has to be done well and fairly enough that the court will sign off on the agreement.

These are just a few of the facts that come into play when discussing divorce in New York. There is more you’ll want to know before you proceed further. But we don’t want to contribute to sensory overload.

What matters most is that you are not going to do it all at once, but you will want to be in a position to learn and come to understand what your options are before you make decisions about your property, the debt, child support, custody, spousal support, legal fees, insurance, and more. You might need an order of protection if abuse is a concern, which complicates matters even further.

This is why, whether you pursue a DIY approach, or go to mediation, or use a collaborative attorney, we urge you to get educated on what your choices are first.

Read Divorce in New York: 10 Things to Know Before Seeing a Lawyer

Divorce court

You must know that about five percent of all divorce cases go to full-blown trial. Less than five percent. So turn the television off. The standard way people divorce is still the traditional one, of your hiring an attorney to represent your interests and your husband hiring an attorney to represent his. Your lawyer meets with you individually, as does your husband’s, and then the lawyers negotiate the settlement through phone calls or meetings.

Divorce negotiations are different from negotiations in most other legal matters in that clients usually attend the meetings—known as “four-ways”, with their lawyers. If one side fails to negotiate or settle, then the risk of going to court does increase, and both parties must attend every court appearance with their lawyers. This traditional approach is still the best way for the less-moneyed or less-powerful spouse (the one who lacks money or knowledge about the finances) to get a fair share.

Diversify your insight into how you will divorce

On the plus side of living in New York is that the city and the state can often be frontrunners of change. Just by virtue of your living within New York’s boundaries, there are far more resources available to you than people living in other parts of the country. Take advantage of those resources, like law schools that offer free legal aid, or referral services offered by the New York Legal Bar Association.

You don’t have to rely on visiting a lawyer and learning things the expensive way as most people have done in the past. There are now people like us, the divorce coach, who can help you learn about divorce (and yourself) before you commit to anything. A certified and experienced divorce coach can also connect you to vetted lawyers and other experts — like a certified divorce financial analyst (who can help you answer the money questions). How you choose to divorce matters for your children and your own recovery.

How long does a divorce take in New York?

Okay, we know, you are maxing out. You want to hear how long this is going to take. If we are talking only about the legal aspect to the divorce and not your recovery and healing, than the time it takes to finalize a divorce depends on two things: how motivated you and your spouse are to organize your papers and documents and to push your attorneys to negotiate the agreement and how busy the court that receives and officializes your settlement agreement is.

For some people, it can take as little as six weeks, for others, six months or more for an uncontested divorce. With a contested divorce, there is no way of forecasting it, but certainly, a deciding factor would be when the money runs out.

What’s certain is that divorce anywhere is a (long) process, and while that wait can be frustrating, it also means you won’t be able to jump into anything without thinking it through first (and that might just be a blessing in disguise).

Divorce support groups for women in New York

There are over eight million people living in New York City and more than twice that in New York State. You are not the only one “feeling lost in New York,” or like everything’s falling apart even as you try to put it back together. We say this a lot but only because it’s true: You are not alone. If your couple friends have disappeared and disappointed you, you are lucky to live in a city and state where there are many divorced women and men—and the stigma of divorce is not as pronounced as it may be somewhere else.

Your job is to connect with those people who understand what you are going through and get educated on what your choices are and who you want to be as you make these important decisions. You might consider joining an online education-driven support group with other women who share similar experiences and who seek to find their voice and change their circumstances for the better. Women just like you.

Remember, divorce in New York rarely looks the same as it does on TV, where the drama’s amped to increase ratings and to get you coming back. This is a process none of us wants to experience even once, let alone come back to. Your divorce doesn’t have to be so dramatic. You can choose to let go the theatrics because they don’t serve you, your Ex, or your children, and to focus on what you do control: getting educated fully before you commit to any one path or decision, and to move through the process smartly and with the greatest sense of integrity and compassion for everybody — including you. 

For more steps to help you with divorce join us for your free 45-minute consultation.

Since 2012 smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to help them through the emotional and often times complicated experience of divorce. For emotional support and structured guidance now, consider Annie’s Group, our virtual divorce support and coaching class for women thinking about divorce or beginning the process. Schedule your 15-minute chat to learn if this education is right for you, where you are in your life, and most importantly, where you want to go.

 

This article was authored for SAS for Women by Melanie Figueroa, a writer and content editor who loves discussing women’s issues and creativity. Melanie helps authors and small businesses improve their writing and solve their editorial needs.

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

Should I get a divorce or not

Should I Get a Divorce?

If you’ve read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up or recently started watching the Netflix series Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, based on the book, then you know Marie’s method is simple: throw out everything that doesn’t “spark joy” and organize whatever’s left. I’ve been thinking lately that if you’re considering divorce, it’s not a bad idea to apply this same simple logic to your own marriage.

Does your marriage bring you joy? Good. Then maybe staying is the right answer, even if that means putting in the work. And if not, if all your partner does is make you feel miserable or the problems in your relationship can’t be overcome? Well, then maybe it’s time to do something different. To “toss out” your old life and organize whatever’s left. To stop straddling that fence and asking yourself should I get a divorce? And instead, to take the difficult but necessary steps to explore what the process might look like if you were to do it.

You might be thinking, “Okay, but deciding to divorce isn’t as easy as organizing your sock drawer.” That’s valid. And maybe Marie’s method is a little too simplistic for deciding whether or not to end your marriage. But the truth is that life is too short to stay with someone who makes you neither happy in the here and now, nor excited about your future.

You and your partner have grown apart, or you’ve possibly been struck with the epiphany that that you were never right for each other in the first place, that you’ve been trying to “make things work” for a little too long. Sometimes separating the nostalgia you have about your marriage and the reality of it is difficult.

How do you stop asking yourself: should I get a divorce?

Deep down, something doesn’t feel right, but you can ignore and push those feelings aside because you have a well of memories and promises to draw from. The memories remind you what you’ve been through, what you’ve overcome, and the love that you have for your partner. The promises remind you of your commitment to each other and the hopes you had for your future. But to answer that lingering question in the back of your mind, should I get a divorce, you have to look beyond these things and recognize the signs and patterns that exist in your relationship. Here are some things to look out for:

You’re already distancing yourself from your partner

You’d rather spend time with your friends or family. You find yourself working longer hours because you don’t want to go home. Lately, you need more “me time,” more solitude where you can reconnect with yourself. Being away from your partner feels like a sort of relief, like breathing in a big gulp of fresh mountain air, and you feel more comfortable in your skin without them around. These are all signs that you have distanced yourself from your marriage and that it no longer brings you joy or a sense of peace.

All the effort being put into “fixing” your marriage is one-sided

It takes two to tango in any relationship. You cannot fix your marriage on your own. Sometimes all those “little things” add up into one giant problem you can’t ignore. Your partner thinks everything, no matter what, is your fault. Every conversation ends in an argument. It’s hard to respect your partner when he* ignores your feelings or refuses to compromise. It’s even harder when your ability to communicate with each other has hit a road block.

If you have repeatedly told your partner that certain behaviors or issues have become barriers to your happiness and he refuses to make any real effort to change, then it might be time for you to decide you are going to do something different than what you’ve been doing.

You don’t feel like a team

Marriages should be partnerships, but sometimes the emotional attachment we have to another person makes us ignore aspects of their personality that could raise issues later on. Sure, we each have our strengths and weaknesses, but if you feel like your partner’s choices repeatedly put your stability or safety at risk then that’s a red flag you shouldn’t ignore. Does your partner seem to care about your needs? Does he refuse to make compromises? Has he dug a financial hole you can’t climb out of?

You’re staying “for the kids”

Many people stay in relationships because they think it’s better for their children. “Better” usually means more than one thing—getting a divorce would mean paying for two homes instead of one, for example. It means legal expenses and moving costs. But staying married means you can maintain the lifestyle you always have. Getting a divorce would mean you’d have to explain to your children why your marriage doesn’t work anymore. It’s a conversation that can be gut-wrenching for so many reasons but one that might also be the first time in your child’s life when they realize that sometimes people can grow apart and fall out of love. That the plans we have for our lives don’t always play out the way we expected them to.

Studies have indicated that it’s not really getting divorced that effects children later in life so much as the environment they’re raised in—it’s the fighting and the feeling of instability and chaos that’s harmful. If your marriage doesn’t spark joy for you or bring you a sense of calm, then chances are that it doesn’t for your children either. Children learn by observing. Ask yourself: What is your marriage teaching your children about relationships?

There is a lack of intimacy and open communication

There’s a misconception that for men especially sex is simply about release. But while every person is different, many men find that sex increases their emotional attachment to their partner.

Most couples go through dry spells. But if that spell has turned into a sexual drought with no end in sight and your partner refuses to talk about it, then a lack of intimacy can be almost impossible to overcome and a sign that there are larger issues in your marriage affecting your ability to connect with your partner.

When you get right down to it, the only reason you are staying is because of fear

You’re scared to be alone, or possibly that you won’t be able to make it in this world on one income. You’re scared no one will ever love you again, or that your children would be better off being raised by two parents who live under the same roof.

All of these reasons and then some make you stay put in a marriage that makes you unhappy, but they aren’t enough to make your marriage work.

Being afraid doesn’t actually change anything, but confronting those fears will. After divorce, without the weight of your marriage dragging you down, you might find that everything feels a little bit easier and that life feels full of possibilities. You might realize you’re stronger than you know.

Your marriage shouldn’t just be one of practicality or necessity but also something that sparks joy in your life. No relationship is all sunshine and daisies—it’s not always going to be easy and there will be times you have to work at it—but it’s ultimately, you are learning, up to you to decide whether the good parts outweigh the bad.

If deciding to divorce is just too hard for you right now, then tell yourself you are going to get educated on what your choices are — before you fully decide. 

Since 2012 smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to help them through the often times complicated and confusing experience of divorce. For the right education, emotional support, structured guidance — and the female perspective, now — consider Annie’s Group, our virtual divorce support and coaching class for women thinking about divorce or beginning the process.

Take a step in supporting yourself now: schedule your quick 15-minute chat to learn if this education is right for you and where you want to go.

 

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

Emotional Divorce

What is an “Emotional Divorce” and the Top Reasons for One?

Sometimes the decision to divorce is a practical one, steeped in logic and rational thought; while other times divorce is a messy, complicated, and downright emotional thing. Maybe you know this because you’ve experienced it before or are currently living it. Or maybe your only knowledge of divorce comes from late-night television and bad movies.

Whether you see the signs of divorce plainly or in hindsight, the end of a marriage can be gut-wrenching. Like those bad movies, we only wish we could take away all the bad and boring parts of the divorce process and edit it all back together again to bring you right to the end. Unfortunately, we don’t possess those powers any more than you do. But what we can do is ground you with a bit of perspective and help you feel a little less alone. If you find yourself somewhere on the fence contemplating divorce, it might be helpful to know that you’re not the first person to feel the way you do now. We’ve focused on the 10 most common and practical reasons for divorce in a previous post. For this post, we’re focusing on the emotional divorce.

We know some of you may be thinking that all divorces are emotional—and you’re right about that. But while all (or certainly most) divorces tug at our emotions, not everyone makes the decision to divorce for emotional reasons. Some of the more common reasons for divorce come down to finances, distance, or religion. These are practical and cultural concerns. They are tangible. Sometimes those practical concerns make the end of a marriage feel a little “easier” when you’re around other people, with their many questions, judgement or even, sympathy. With an emotional divorce, however, everything feels more mysterious, amorphous. You might tell your friends and family you’ve become different people, but they look at you and all they see is more of the same. You want to explain how behind closed doors things look different than they do on the outside—the arguments and the resentment. But doing those things feels a lot like opening up rooms inside yourself that you’ve long since closed off to others. We understand. And if this sounds like you, read on.

And for the sake of conversation, we’re defining an emotional divorce as one that can challenge, break, and even extinguish your emotional attachment to your partner.

1. You’ve become different people

It happens over time. Sometimes you grow together, and sometimes you grow apart. One day you were both fans of poetry and, as silly as it sounds, watched all your favorite shows together, but then one day your partner started getting way more into video games or fantasy football and now, rarely spends quality time with you. Both of your interests have changed, and you no longer have much to talk about nor much interest in what each other is doing. It’s hard to feel the same way about someone when they aren’t the same person you’ve married—when they’ve transformed into someone you probably wouldn’t have dated in the first place. It happens. There’s no one thing that causes this, but you may wake up one day and ask yourself, who is this stranger and how could I ever learn to love him?

2. Cheating—yes, this is emotional

Cheating does happen in the physical realm and can be related to a whole host of pragmatic problems (say distance or sexual incompatibility), but this falls into the realm of emotional problems because it can fundamentally change the way you feel about your partner. Even if you are willing to give him another chance and work through it, the emotional damage is done. Trust issues (another practical reason for divorce with strong ties to the emotional) are now a given, and you might never be able to trust your partner again.

3. Lack of intimacy (not just sexual)

Your partner never talks to you anymore about their day, and their preferred form of communication with you is generally restricted to affirmative or negative grunts when you ask if you’d like pizza for dinner. They don’t want to cuddle anymore. They don’t ask how you are or even seem to care. The hopes, dreams, and aspirations you two once shared seem to no longer be subjects of conversation. While this can leak into your sexual relationship, that’s not always the case, which makes this lack of intimacy even more confusing. If you feel like your partner is withdrawn and nothing you’ve done can bring them back to the intimacy you once shared, there’s not much more you can do to salvage your marriage.

4. Resentment

Your partner bought a new car while you’re still struggling to pay off your daughter’s braces. You were promoted at work and are making significantly more than your partner, who seems upset by this. Your partner seems to think that all your skills come so naturally to you and makes underhanded comments. Resentment is a real thing that can ruin relationships, and when one or both partners are keeping a tally in a relationship, resentment tends to build and become hard to get rid of. Being resentful of your partner or having your partner resentful of you (or a mixture of the two) is no way to carry out a marriage nor build a loving partnership.

5. Constant heated arguments

It can be nice to come home to a calm, peaceful, silent house with a caring partner there to support you. But if you and your partner argue over everything at the drop of a hat, that imagined peaceful environment might never come to be. A lot of times arguing like this can be mistaken for passion and, to a point, arguing is a sign that you are committed to working out the differences in your relationship. But long, heated, and constant arguments that never resolve themselves are not a sign of a healthy or happy relationship. Worst of all, constantly being at battle with the person who is supposed to be your pillar and partner through life can leave you emotionally drained and keep you from investing yourself in your relationship. If you are divorcing and worry that the anger is going to follow you, you’ll want to read Axe the Anger after Divorce in 4 Steps.

6. Insincerity and dishonesty (outside of cheating)

Some people are compulsive liars, and sometimes we end up married to someone who thinks it’s okay to tell little white lies all the time. While the level of insincerity and dishonesty can vary by relationship and even by partner, there are some telling signs. If you can’t trust your partner to pay the bills on time and not spend the money elsewhere, or if you know your partner will make promises they’ll never follow up on, then you have a fundamental problem of trust in your relationship—one that affects you emotionally. It’s not only distrust at play here, but the false pretense that leads to false hope that maybe your partner will change this time and the inevitable disappointment that happens 9 out of 10 times when they don’t.

7. Jealousy and insecurity

This can seem reminiscent of trust issues, but jealousy and insecurity are really their own thing. If your partner constantly questions why you are with them or uses self-deprecating humor as a way of questioning your commitment to their relationship (e.g. why’d you marry me? I’m so awful. Haha.), you may see signs of jealousy down the road. This jealousy might not just be about time spent with your friends or coworkers—this can even extend to the attention you give to family members, pets, or your hobbies. The insecure and jealous person wants your time and attention—and anything, not just another person, that takes that attention away can make them upset and jealous. Unless you want your relationship to be all about your partner and spending every moment of every day reassuring them, this might not be a relationship worth keeping and can be downright exacerbating.

8. Losing yourself in your relationship

Your partner loves fish, so you eat it on Fridays. You can’t remember your favorite food. You’re wearing green to support the Packers even if your favorite team is the Patriots. Your partner needs you to move across the country and leave your job, your family, and your friends to pursue his dream and you do it—no questions asked. But now you are realizing that you don’t know who you are anymore and that your life has suddenly become about supporting your partner and not about a partnership.

9. Your relationship isn’t satisfying—in fact, it’s a drain

You’ve had a long eight-hour day, and you’ve just picked the kids up from drama club. You’re already tired, but when you get home, you know that your day isn’t over. Your partner asks about dinner but has made no effort to cook even though they arrived home before you. Your partner complains about laundry not being done or the kitchen not being clean enough but doesn’t lift a finger to help. They want to vent about their day at work and monopolizes the conversation so it’s only about them, leaving you with extra emotional baggage and no outlet for your own frustrations or feelings. This isn’t a relationship anymore—you are a cook, maid, nanny, and therapist who must also work outside of the home to keep your finances afloat. Sometimes being on your own is less draining in these kinds of situations because you’re already doing all the work anyway.

10. You’ve fallen out of love, and it’s not coming back

Maybe it’s one thing on this list or maybe it’s a bit of everything, or maybe it’s none of the above, but you just aren’t feeling in love with your partner anymore. You don’t think you can be a couple. It happens. It’s okay to acknowledge. To feel best about your difficult decision, you might check with a therapist or a coach to see if this may be linked to depression or another life event; or for ideas on exhausting everything before you call it quits. But if the love just isn’t there and isn’t coming back, there’s no partnership to salvage. Love is the foundation of marriage, and if it’s gone and you’re sure you can’t learn to love your partner again, then it’s time to figure out how you will live differently. You must get educated on what your change choices are.

Since 2012 smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to help them through the emotional and often times complicated experience of divorce. For emotional support and structured guidance now, consider Annie’s Group, our virtual divorce education, support and coaching class for women thinking about divorce or beginning the process. Learn what your choices really are. Schedule your 15-minute chat to find out if this education is right for you, where you are in your life, and most importantly, where you want to go.

Woman looking at painting

The 10 Most Common Reasons for Divorce

Divorce is never an easy decision to come to. Sometimes you might feel like you’re being too emotional, or, on the flip side, that you’re being too pragmatic and ignoring your feelings about your partner. In all honesty, there is no right or wrong, no single or compounded, no practical over emotional, no emotional over practical reason for getting a divorce. Each divorce is unique, and each situation leading up to divorce is unique.

If you’re actively considering divorce or beginning to see the signs that a divorce might be in your future, this post may help you find clarity in a storm of emotions and thoughts. Despite the uniqueness of every relationship, there are some common overarching themes people cite when going into a divorce that cause two people to be unable to move forward in a relationship.

Below are the most common reasons for divorce. We define common or practical reasons for divorce as ones that may not (though sometimes can) affect your emotional attachment to your partner but make the viability of the marriage unlikely.

1. Finances

When you married your partner, money didn’t seem like a big deal. You were probably both broke and young. Practicality comes with age—or, does it? If your partner is in massive debt and that debt is making it impossible for you to do practical things like buying a car, getting a loan on a house, or being approved for credit cards, your relationship may not have a future. If you have a partner willing to take steps to change this—to get an extra job or cut back massively on spending in order to move out of this debt—that’s one thing. But if your partner is completely unwilling to take fiscal responsibility or just won’t grow up and pay their bills, it’s time to find someone more responsible with their money.

2. Sexual incompatibility

Yes, this might seem like it would fit under emotional reasons, but sex is a real physical need and two partners with mismatched libidos or mismatched expectations can lead to an extremely unhappy marriage. When one partner’s idea of normal sexual activity is once a month and the other’s is once a week, that leads to emotional problems like resentment, insecurity, and withdrawal from intimacy. Now this isn’t to say that one partner should be more or less demanding, simply that a mismatch makes for a rocky, and sometimes irreconcilable, marriage.

3. Lack of equality

This isn’t to say that people who follow classic gender roles in their marriage (a stay-at-home mother, for example, and a husband who works) is an unequal situation that will lead to divorce; rather, that one partner in the relationship takes on the brunt of the physical, emotional, or financial burdens with little return so the relationship starts to feel one-sided in one (if not all) of these areas. Are you always planning the dates? Are you the only one paying the bills on time with little to no contribution from your partner? Does your partner ask for emotional support but offers you none? Then you are experiencing a lack of equality, and if things don’t change, a one-sided relationship isn’t one that should continue.

4. Long distance

This one is especially hard because it’s not as if your feelings for your partner have changed, just your proximity. Your partner got a new job. You got a new job. They are on the East Coast and you are on the west, with no chance of reuniting for years down the line. Yes, there are vacations. Yes, you can talk on the phone or Skype together a few times a week. But your partner won’t be there to hold you at night and that matters. For a short period of time with an end in sight, long distance is durable, but when it’s open-ended, it might be better to find a partner who’s in your locale.

5. Physical and emotional abuse

The physical and emotional abuser is, overall, clever with how they treat you. They can break you down but keep your attraction and love for them intact by giving just enough warmth and affection when you are down to make sure your feelings for them never change—or get deeper. Let us be clear here: if your partner is gaslighting and emotionally abusing you, if your partner is physically laying their hands on you, this relationship needs to end. Abuse is abuse, period. This isn’t the easiest thing to do, but take whatever steps necessary to get away from your abuser and find safety before filing for divorce.

6. Mixed religions and little compromise

Some conversations should really happen before marriage, and they don’t. Like whether you will your kids as Catholic, Jewish, Muslim, or Protestant in a mixed-religion marriage. And even when those conversations did happen, it could be that one or both partners were simply hearing what they wanted and figured that later, the other partner would convert or give way. Religion is one really hard compromise to make if neither partner is willing to, and that makes sense: your religion and their religion is important. If counseling isn’t working, if neither side can agree, then it might be time to find a partner who does know how to compromise.

7. Addictions

We all change over time, but addictions change partners in ways we don’t expect. And this isn’t just addiction to drugs—people can be addicted to video games, work, and even seemingly innocent activities like keeping pets. If one pet turns into five, your partner begs you to start a rescue, and one day you wake up with twenty dogs who are poorly-kept in a house covered in hair, you’re living with an animal hoarder. If your once loving partner gets a new job and works five, ten, twenty, to thirty hours of overtime a week with no sign of cutting back, your partner has just become addicted to working.

This is a fundamental change to the foundation and function of your relationship, and you’re right to question if this relationship should continue if something completely out of the blue comes along and completely changes your way of life with your partner.

8. Trust issues

Early on in your relationship, your partner’s trust issues made sense—their Ex cheated on them, for example. You put up with the text messages while you were hanging out with your friends to check up on you. You were okay with them tagging along to events they weren’t specifically invited to because they didn’t want you going alone. But you’ve proven yourself. You’ve never lied, and you’ve never cheated. You’ve given your partner no reason to distrust you, yet you are under constant surveillance. This relationship isn’t salvageable if there’s no trust at the marriage’s foundation, and you’ve done all you can to prove that you are trustworthy.

9. Mismatched parenting styles

Your partner prefers you be the disciplinarian but won’t back you up on your discipline. Or, maybe you prefer time-outs with a stern explanation of what your child or children did wrong, and your partner prefers taking away toys or access to the TV. Maybe you want your children to work towards an allowance by doing chores, and your partner’s idea of an allowance is that it’s automatic. These are all fairly benign yet varying styles that can lead to multiple fights in child rearing—but there are more extreme examples out there, like one parent not wanting a gun in the home while the other wants their child to go shooting regularly. When it comes to raising kids, if you aren’t on the same page, it can lead to rocky marriages that shouldn’t continue.

10. Family interference

The in-laws were never a dream—you knew that. But what you didn’t realize was that your partner was never going to grow a backbone and stand up to them. So now your mother-in-law rules over all your holidays, constantly pops over and comments on your housekeeping, and generally belittles you with little or no defense from your spouse. It’s not always the in-laws, sometimes it could be your partner’s sibling who’s going through a rough time, is charged with a crime, is an alcoholic or drug addict and just needs a place to stay, and your partner is fully on board with supporting them while you aren’t sure about bringing them into your home. If your partner lets their family get in the way of your relationship and never stands up for you, your wants, and your needs as a couple, it might be time to end this relationship.

Remember, the reasons for divorce listed above are only the most common and by no means the only reasons women seek a divorce. Sometimes the reasons someone seeks a divorce are less pragmatic and tangible, stemming from deep-rooted insecurities or the stark truth that they’ve grown apart from their partner. Whatever your reasons, they can be difficult to come to terms with on your own, and too many women spend far too long feeling stuck somewhere in between—knowing they need to make a change in their life but not what that change should look like for them. At the very least, we hope this list makes you feel seen. You’re not alone, and you deserve to live life on your own terms.

Since 2012 smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to help them through the emotional and often times complicated experience of divorce. For a strategic education and emotional support now, consider Annie’s Group, our virtual divorce support and coaching class for women thinking about divorce or beginning the process. Schedule your 15-minute chat to learn if this education is right for you, where you are in your life, and most importantly, where you want to go.

Woman packed leaving her husband

Overthinking When to Leave Your Husband

You have a bad fight or a bad day with your husband—or more likely, you’ve had a series of them. So many thoughts race through your mind, but there’s one that stands out the most: I want a divorce. Sometimes this thought surprises us so much that we can’t be sure we really had it at all. We push the thought to the back of our mind and bury it deep. We smile and pretend, and everything goes “back to normal.” But because our normal means being unhappy, the cracks appear again. We have another bad day. And when it rains, it pours. All those emotions and moments we buried rise to the surface in the storm.

You are lost and stumbling through the fog that is Considering Divorce Syndrome (CDS). All you seem to have are questions and no answers. I want a divorce, or do I? I want a divorce, but should I? How do I even begin to leave my husband*?

When you find yourself searching for instructions on how to leave your husband, it’s the beginning of a long and confusing journey. We know that you are in pain and emotional turmoil right now—that is why you’ve found your way here. Our job is to help you break the cycle of wondering that’s associated with CDS with points you should be thinking about and considering.

As you’re considering divorce, keep your marriage in context

So, you’re thinking to yourself, “I want to divorce my husband.” Did this thought just come out of nowhere? Or has the idea been a living and breathing” thing” lurking in the back of your mind for some time now?

Did you and your husband have a blowup? Are you still seething? Do you feel depressed? Are you reacting from a highly-charged or frustrated place, typing “Should I leave my husband?” into the search engine?

“Early on in my marriage,” Sally told us she and her husband went to a couples’ therapist. “At the first meeting, the doctor said, ‘Why did you react that way?’ when my husband described a story about me. Without waiting for my response, the doctor asked me more, ‘Were you menstruating?'”

We’ve all experienced a moment like this, haven’t we? We’ve been told that our “issues” or “moods” are related to our highly emotional states, which must be a function of our biology. And because we are women, when we are feeling things outside a man’s comfort zone, we are “crazy” or “PMSing” or both.

For the sake of this post and our sanity, let’s set that experience aside, and ask, How long have you wanted to leave your husband? Or if you don’t really want to leave your husband, why is it that you think you should?

If divorce has been something more than a random thought but a persistent idea that’s been circulating in your head for a long time now, you’ll need to ask yourself even more questions.

How committed are you to divorce, on a scale of 1 to 10?

If you’re a 10, you are fully committed to divorce—you’re OUT the door! If you’re a 1, you’re happily, even blissfully married.

But it’s not just about how you feel right now, at this moment. Today could be a 10 and the rest of the month a 1. You need to check in with yourself over the course of the month and keep a private record (somewhere safe, somewhere secret) to see the ebb and flow of your happiness over the month. If the numbers are 5 or above most days, it’s time to seriously start looking at ways to change your relationship. A divorce coach is a great, safe person to talk to if you’ve started seriously thinking about what else is possible for you.

Wait, there are still other reasons to stay married, right? I don’t need to talk to a divorce coach yet

So, you look at your commitment chart and see mostly 5s, a couple 3s, and even some 10s plastered on the page—but then you think of the kids. Divorce will be hard on them! There’s always a chance your husband can change, right? And who knows, you might even change too. Things can get better. There’s always hope, even the hope of finding hope when confronted with the reality that hope may have fled your marriage long ago.

There’s this voice inside your head that’s saying “If I talk to someone, I might have to act on what I’m feeling. I might have to do something about this truth,” or “No, I can’t talk to anyone yet. There’s still hope I can turn things around.”

“I want to leave my husband” suddenly becomes “we’re just having a rough patch.” Only the rough patch never ends.

The truth is, many women find themselves circling a 5 on that scale. They are halfway out the door, while the other half isn’t sure exactly what they want, except change.

Listen: living in this stage is purgatory

Revisiting the question of  “should I…or shouldn’t I divorce” keeps you unsettled and compartmentalizing ( — on one level functioning, on another level wondering if your world is falling apart). This is one of the insidious and oddly, paralyzing effects of CDS.

Maybe you think you are fun and easy to live with? On some level, you are being cruel to your husband, your kids, and yourself by continuing to live in such a hovering and non-committed place.

You may think you are fooling everyone, but it’s more likely you’re only fooling yourself.

Luckily, we know this syndrome of divorce ambivalence acutely. We were like you, sitting on that pointed, painful fence called “considering divorce” for far too long.

So, allow us to deliver the sometimes brutal truth that will save you time: nothing is going to change unless you do something.

Did you go to marriage counseling and find it didn’t stick, with you and your partner ending up in the same old dysfunctional routine? Do you complain to your friends regularly about your husband’s behaviors but never do anything to try to change things? Do you withdraw from your marriage or the world or act out in various ways but still find yourself at home or in bed next to the same man night after night?

It’s time to break this pattern.

How is your health?

CDS, the constant cycle of considering divorce and not following through, can take a toll on your health. This repetitive and constant stress is going to wear on you, no matter how strong you are.

You are not living your life authentically. Your body might be showing you the signs through symptoms that range from feeling tired all the time no matter how much you sleep, a loss of appetite, a sense of being removed from things you once enjoyed, disconnected to your friends and family, constant flu or cold-like symptoms when doctors say there’s nothing wrong with you, and so on. These are all signs of depression which can be linked to stress.

You and I might look around and see marriages with similar or even more dysfunction and stress than yours—some of your best friends might be living with CDS and seem to function fine between complaints about their spouses—but you are not them, and they are not you. And every marriage, even in its dysfunction, is different.

If you are feeling burnt out, done, and you have decided you can no longer live in the purgatory of waiting for change or trying but not fixing the dysfunction in your marriage, you need to own where your marriage is right now. You need to face the possibility of a future as a divorced woman, and you need someone to talk it out with. Right now.

If you are in an abusive marriage, read this article right now.

If you are in a relationship where the pressure is “manageable,” you can prioritize the time to figure out if you should or should not divorce and what would be the healthiest way of doing it. If that’s you, then you are the woman we are talking to right now. Our critical suggestion is that you get educated on what your choices are. Get ready. Because the truth is if you’re constantly considering divorce, there’s a reason and you owe it to yourself to stop thinking about it and take action. The right action is talking with someone who can help you figure out what your independence might look like.

 

Whether you are considering a divorce, navigating it, or already rebuilding after the overwhelming experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. Take advantage of our free consultation we give every brave woman. Schedule your free, 45-minute consultation for support. Whether you work with us further or not, we guarantee you will learn a new resource, a piece of information, or an insight that will give you a next step or help shift your way of thinking what is genuinely possible for your life.

 

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”