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Your State Law and Divorce

Your State Law and Divorce: Where You Do IT Matters

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In the United States, every state has its own set of laws governing divorce proceedings. And while there is a nationwide set of laws guiding divorce or family law matters, it is the state in which you reside, and are a citizen of, that will dictate the specifics of your case. Therefore, it’s important to learn about your particular state’s divorce laws to understand what you are entitled to, what your rights are, and how to navigate your divorce successfully.

State law vs. federal law?

The US federalist system requires two separate court systems: state and federal. Historically, family law has been an arm of state law. The state legislature, state lawmakers, and state constitution dictate laws relating to families, marriage, and children.

The federal courts are specialty courts, so they hear cases relating to the constitution, foreign affairs, disputes between states, bankruptcy, admiralty, and international treaties. The state court system is responsible for matters including most criminal cases, probate (trusts and wills), family, tort (personal injury), and most contract cases.

State courts have almost complete jurisdiction over family law matters, including marriage and divorce.

The federal government does have some discretion about family and children’s courts. This will generally only apply to cases and issues relating to a federal specialty (as stated above). For example, the right to gay marriage in Obergefell v. Hodges is a marriage case; however, it is also a constitutional question. These are very rare cases, and for almost all divorces, state law will apply. 

Different approaches to divorce law

Because family law is a component of state law, divorce law is not therefore, uniform across the states. There might be an overlap in some states; however, each state has its own standards for the proceeding.

To show the differences in divorce laws amongst states, we will explore four geographically diverse states (California, Illinois, New York, and Alabama) and their approach to three common divorce components.

1. Marital conduct in considering child custody

Some state code requires a court to consider morals and marital conduct when determining parental custody. State statute might require the court to consider adultery when determining a child custody ruling.

  • California family code does not state any consideration of morals.
  • Illinois statute reads that there will be no consideration of the conduct of a parent that DOES NOT affect their relationship with the child.
  • Alabama code considers the “moral character and prudence” of the parents when determining custody arrangements.
  • New York does not list any factors concerning parental morals.

2. Date of Classification for Property or when the marriage ended

The date of classification is also known as the date the marriage ended and is the date on which you and your spouse no longer acquire marital property. After this day, any property either spouse obtains is their personal, separate property.

  • California ends the marriage at the date of separation (which is usually the date the couple decides their marriage is done and they are separated).
  • Illinois uses the date of dissolution (the final date the divorce case gets proven, or the divorce trial occurs).
  • Alabama uses the date the complaint for divorce is FILED (submitted) to the court. 
  • New York uses the date of the commencement of the divorce action as the indicator to stop marital property.

To understand more about property in divorce, check out our article “Marital property and Non-Marital Property: The Surprising Differences”

3. Separation or Waiting Periods for No-Fault Divorce

Many states require a formal waiting period or a trial separation before allowing a couple to file or grant a no-fault divorce. This is a historical practice to enable a couple ample time to reconsider and try to amend the marriage.

  • California requires a six-month waiting period post-filing for a divorce.
  • Illinois statute dictates there must be a two-year waiting period UNLESS both couples agree, then the waiting period decreases to six months.
  • Alabama has a one-month waiting period.
  • New York requires one year before a divorce.

As you are seeing, family law and divorce law are not standardized across the country. Every state has a different law regarding critical components of your divorce.

If you are contemplating divorce, you will want to read other things to consider in our “36 Things to Do If You are Thinking About Divorce.”

What state can I file for a divorce in?

While every state has different divorce laws, you cannot choose which state you wish to file in just because that state might provide you with a more favorable outcome. The state you file in must have jurisdiction over your case. This means that the state must have the official legal power to grant a divorce.

SAS TIP: If you are a new resident of a state and are looking to file a divorce there, check the state laws to see if a new resident waiting period applies; and also compare the state divorce laws from where you moved. Which state would better support your divorce goals and objectives?

Read our helpful article for more on which states have the longest residency requirement to file for divorce and which ones the shortest?

Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to file for a divorce in the same state you were married in. If you and your spouse both live in the same state, then one of you must be a resident of that state to file for divorce. A state might require a waiting period if you are new to that state, generally up to one year.

If you are definitely divorcing, make sure you take care of yourself and read “The 55 Must-Do’s on Your Modern Divorce Checklist.”

What if you and your spouse live in different states?

If you and your spouse live in different states and are determining which state you can file a divorce in, the context of your divorce and marriage will dictate which state has jurisdiction.

SAS TIP: If you and your spouse live in different states, the state in which you can file for a divorce will be DIFFERENT based on what you are seeking from the divorce.

If you want a divorce with no allocation of property and no children involved, you can file in any state where ONE person is a resident. Both parties do not have to be state residents to have a divorce proceeding there. Nor does either party need a connection to that state. If you move to a new state and your spouse doesn’t, you can file a basic divorce in that state, even if your spouse has never stepped foot there (assuming you meet the residency and waiting period requirements).

If you are looking for a court to solve financial issues (like property division or establishing spousal support), then the filing state must have minimum contact with both spouses. This means that the out-of-state spouse must have SOME connection with the state. For example, did one spouse live in that state and eventually move away? Versus, did you move to a state, and did your spouse not move with you? One person must have residency in the state, and the other person must have some connection to the state for the state court to consider financial decisions.

If you are looking for the court to determine child custody decisions and you and your spouse live in different states, the court will look to the child’s home state.

This means it does not matter where you or your spouse live. The court will look at the child’s home state for the six months prior to the proceeding. This is because courts want to ensure stability for the child by leading court proceedings in the state they are most familiar with.

What else should you be considering if you thinking about custody concerns? Check out ”Best Advice on Custody for Divorcing Moms”.

SAS Tip: The state you file a divorce in matters!

Conclusion

One of the most important ways to help reduce unneeded stress in your divorce is to have a thorough understanding of your state and its divorce laws. Having an understanding of how your state divorce court runs will allow you to strategize and focus more on the substance of your case and take care of yourself in the process.

NOTES

Elizabeth Newland is a third-year law student in Chicago committed to children and family rights. She aims to work in a family-related non-profit firm after graduation. 

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you and your future.

All of it, sent discreetly to your inbox. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

25 Divorce Statistics and What They Mean for You as a Woman

25 Divorce Statistics and What They Mean for You as a Woman

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No one wants to be connected in any way, shape, or form to divorce statistics.

Yet, here we are, seeking to get educated about the divorce process so we avoid some divorce statistics over others!

As we consider certain numbers and facts below, we encourage you to try to allow these figures to actually lessen your sense of aloneness. Take comfort that a lot of other women have been where you are. Indeed, many are reading this blog post too, also feeling alone, and together, in this solidarity, we are strong.

The fact is, it’s easy to feel alone when dealing with divorce.  And yet, so many other women across the country and globe have gone through a divorce, survived it, and moved on to find themselves in healthier lives that we’ve decided to investigate the numbers behind this damn, challenging life change. So you better understand your journey and lessen your sense of isolation, we’ll explore some US trends, facts, and divorce statistics that impact women like you.

Divorce Statistics: National Trends and General Facts 

Here are some fast facts and divorce statistics related to divorce by state, divorce trends, and national numbers within divorce law.

  1. More women in the U.S. file for divorce than men.1
  2. The United States has the 9th highest divorce rate in the world. The Maldives has the highest divorce rate, while Sri Lanka has the lowest divorce rate.2
  3. But despite what you might read elsewhere, the number of divorces has actually DECREASED in the United States in recent years.3
  4. Annulments and divorce rates have also decreased in the country.4
  5. In 2022, Arkansas has the highest divorce rate of 10.7%.5
  6. In contrast, Maine and the District of Columbia had the lowest divorce rates, both at 4.8%.6
  7. There has been a 2% decrease over the past decade as to the percentage of adults who live with a spouse.  In 2011, it was 52%, and it went down to 50% in 2021.7
  8. The average age of a divorcee is 45.5.8
    If you are older than 45.5 (like a lot of us), you’ll want to read more about women like you: “What Does a Gray Divorce Mean for You?”
  9. The median cost of a divorce is $7500.009

Parents and Divorce

A huge part of divorce is the effect it has on your family, specifically, your children. Here are some facts and statistics related to children, parents, and families in divorce.

10. There are 9.68 million single, female parents.10
11. Over 50% of all custodial parents have support agreements.  Support agreements are more commonly known as “child support.” Child support is a monthly payment given to the parent who the child resides with the most. During your divorce, you can either settle on your child support number with your Ex, or the judge can determine the appropriate amount.11

Check out SAS’ “Child Support: 5 Things to Mothers Must Know.”

12. Furthermore, there are 3.392 million single mothers who are divorced and 5.239 million single mothers raising one child.12
13. There are 475,000 single mothers raising four or more children.13
14. In 21.5% of unmarried couples, the woman earns at least $5,000 more per year than their Ex.14
15. 24.1% of divorcees live with children under 18.15
16. One in four parents are unmarried.16

Women and Divorce

Are you finding yourself inside these divorce statistics? If not, keep reading. Below are facts specifically related to women dealing with divorce.

17. 22% of women have been divorced.The number of women currently living in the United State is 168.63 million as of 2o2o. This means that approximately 37,098,600 women are divorced in the United States today.18
18. 11% of women are currently divorced and not remarried in the United States.19  This means that approximately 18,549,300 women are not remarried in the United States today.

If you are dealing with divorce and doing more than a cursory read of these divorce statistics, you’ll want to read and prepare for “How to Overcome the 6 Hardest Things About Life After Divorce.”

19. A little less than half of first marriages end in divorce.20

Are you looking for the most cited reasons people leave their marriages? What are the divorce statistics there? Read our “Top Reasons for Divorce: Are You Living This?”

  1. About 3 out of 4 divorced persons will remarry.21
  2. Women with a 4-year college degree or higher have an 80% chance of being married for more than 20 years.22
  3. That being said, college educated women initiate their divorce 90% of the time.23
  4. In 2018, more than 1 million women went through a divorce in the US.24
  5. Women’s household income falls by 41% after a divorce.25

However, the most important divorce statistic is below:

25. Research has found that women are happier and more satisfied with their life post-divorce.26

This statistics alone suggests that while your divorce journey may be difficult, there is a light calling from the end of the tunnel. There are other women waiting for you. Indeed, so many women have succeeded in moving through divorce and arriving to the other side to find themselves in a happier place that you must grab hold of this particular statistic. And check out “Divorce and Women: One Woman’s Journey” to feel inspired.

Conclusion

This article provides statistics related to divorce across the United States with a particular focus on women and how divorce impacts them.  With divorce being a full-blown life crisis, we know it impacts all aspects of our life (our families, financially, socially, emotionally, our futures, and who we are as individuals). While these statistics tell only part of the story, they do remind us that there are other women who have gone through what you are going through; there are other women who have survived. Yes, it takes courage and guts, and it may be something you would never wish on anyone else. But the numbers tell you that you are not alone. It is do-able, and more women than men express no regret with having faced divorce. More women than men feel they are better off now than spending every day leading half a life.

Hang in there. You don’t have to do this alone, now or later. Learn from others. Get support with a female-centered, divorce support group or divorce coach so you stop spinning, get clarity, and take control of your precious life.

NOTES

Alexa Valenzisi is a 3L student in Chicago who is committed to child law and education law. She aims to work in education law or family law after graduation. 

Whether you are thinking about divorce, dealing with it, or recreating the life you deserve, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do it alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

Sources

  1. The Breaking Point: Why Do Women Initiate Divorce More Than Men?
  2. Divorce Rates by Country 2023
  3. Provisional number of marriages and marriage rate: United States, 2000-2020 
  4. Provisional number of marriages and marriage rate: United States, 2000-2020 
  5. Divorce Rate by State 2023
  6. Divorce Rate by State 2023
  7. Divorce Rates Statistics and Trends for 2022
  8. 48 Divorce Statistics in the U.S. Including Divorce Rate, Race, & Marriage Length
  9. 106 Divorce Statistics You Can’t Ignore: 2022 Divorce Rates and Impact on Children
  10. Divorce and Marriage rates in the US for 2002.
  11. Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2017
  12. Divorce and Marriage rates in the US for 2002.
  13. Divorce and Marriage rates in the US for 2002.
  14. Divorce and Marriage rates in the US for 2002.
  15. 48 Divorce Statistics in the U.S. Including Divorce Rate, Race, & Marriage Length
  16. The Changing Profile of Unmarried Parents
  17. 32 Shocking Divorce Statistics
  18. Total population in the United States by gender from 2010 to 2027
  19. 32 Shocking Divorce Statistics
  20. DIVORCE STATISTICS: OVER 115 STUDIES, FACTS AND RATES FOR 2022
  21. 32 Shocking Divorce Statistics
  22. 48 Divorce Statistics in the U.S. Including Divorce Rate, Race, & Marriage Length
  23. 106 Divorce Statistics You Can’t Ignore: 2022 Divorce Rates and Impact on Children
  24. 14 Divorce Statistics You Need to Know in 2022
  25. The Pandemic Induced Higher Divorce Rates. Here’s What it Can Do to Your Finances
  26. Research shows divorce spells big boost to women’s happiness
A Legal Separation for a Woman: Pros and Cons

A Legal Separation for a Woman: Pros and Cons

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A divorce, a legal separation, a casual separation, a sudden disappearance? There are many factors to consider when you are faced with ending your marriage. Before considering all the legal components that come with ending your official relationship — like property division, custody arrangements, and lawyer involvement, you must decide whether your marriage will end legally via divorce or a legal separation– anything else is casual, leaving you still married. We know every woman has different needs that will impact this decision, and there are pros and cons to both. For our purposes today, this article will explore both the legal and emotional considerations behind an official legal separation.

Legal Separation versus Divorce

Legal separation and divorce are very similar. They both allow you and your spouse to lead separate lives. You can live independently, have a custody agreement, spousal support, and divide any property or finances. The main difference is the legal status of separation versus divorce.

In a divorce, your marriage is officially and formally ended. It is not in a separation. With a divorce, you are no longer married and are legally allowed to remarry. With a legal separation, you are still legally married and must indicate such on all forms and for all official purposes. For more information on the specific types of separation and how they differ from a divorce, see this article written for women, “Choosing Between Separation and Divorce”.

The Pros of a Legal Separation

From a legal perspective, there are indeed reasons for you to file for a legal separation instead of a divorce. One is for financial considerations, specifically tax purposes. In a legal separation, you will continue to file taxes jointly, which might be advantageous to your current circumstance.

Additionally, both spouses can stay on the same health insurance plan with a legal separation. Therefore, if you or your spouse do not have access to healthcare or your health needs require a higher level of care, a legal separation will ensure you do not lose your coverage. Social Security or pension benefits for both parties will also likely remain intact in a legal separation. If you and your spouse have been married long enough, both parties can still benefit from certain retirement plans.

In a legal separation, you can stay on the same health insurance plan as your spouse and claim spousal social service benefits.

Additionally, this process can be the basis for a future divorce. This can arise from two avenues. The first is from a state-required separation period prior to a divorce. This is a period that some states, like North Carolina, require as part of a waiting period before an official divorce. You can put your affairs in order during that period, but you cannot file for a divorce, so it is a type of legal separation. A legal separation could also transform into a divorce. You will have figured out all of the agreements and arrangements for your legal separation, so when you want the divorce, it is merely converting the legal separation document into a divorce agreement.

If you wonder what else you should be considering and taking care of as a woman dealing with divorce or separation, don’t miss our “55 Must Do’s on Your Modern Divorce Checklist.”

The Cons to a Legal Separation

While there are benefits to separation, there are also concerns involved. One consideration is the strife that comes with a legal separation. If you choose a legal separation, you will still go through all the negotiation, mediation, and considerations of a divorce on the issues of alimony, custody, and property division. This process can be mentally, legally, and financially draining if you and your spouse cannot agree on these central issues. The legal separation process can be just as taxing and complex as a divorce without the finality that divorce brings.

While there are financial benefits to a legal separation, there are also financial concerns with this agreement. One significant consideration is the ongoing financial connection you have with your spouse. For example, joint bank accounts generally continue to be held in a joint name for separation. These accounts might be more susceptible to one spouse’s overuse of the account. This means that one spouse might use more than their fair share of this account if they are planning to file for a divorce in the future.

One final consideration is your inability to remarry with a legal separation. While remarrying might not be at the forefront of your mind as you contemplate your current separation, you might consider marriage again in the future. Also, your spouse may well change his mind about the separation, or meet someone down the road who really wants him to be divorced. This will bring you back to converting the legal separation document into a divorce document. It is not possible under a legal separation to remarry.

A legal separation can be just as time-consuming and financially straining as a divorce without the closure and legal finality of a divorce.

The Emotional Pros to a Legal Separation

Legal concerns are only one avenue to consider when deciding between a legal separation and a divorce. There are also emotional considerations.

A significant benefit of opting for legal separation over a divorce is its lack of finality. A separation can be revoked, allowing you and your spouse to have space while not putting a complete end to your marriage. Time apart might allow you and your spouse the clarity you need to attempt to repair your marriage.

Consider reading “Does Your Marital Separation Lead to a Divorce?”

If you are separating but must continue to live together during the separation period, check out this article on how to separate from your spouse while living together under the same roof.

Separating might also allow you to mentally prepare yourself if you intend to file for a divorce eventually. Some women also think that it is a kinder, less stigmatized option. This might sound like a nicer choice because of the weight of the word “divorce.”

Some women also consider the spiritual impact of the word “divorce.” Certain cultures and religions either do not allow divorce or do not look upon it kindly. A legal separation is one way in which a woman might be able to leave a marriage but still comply with cultural or religious needs.

The Emotional Cons to a Legal Separation

While getting a legal separation might seem like the easier route, most women ultimately opt for a traditional divorce. This is mainly due to the finality and closure that comes from a divorce. Part of leaving a marriage is the benefit of freedom; freedom to find yourself again and eventually explore new relationships. A legal separation is still technically considered marriage, so you would need a divorce if you wanted to remarry. Worrying about that later in your life can carry a lot of unnecessary stress to your newfound freedom.

Tip: A legal separation might sound like an easy solution, but it might have costly emotional consequences down the road.

On the flip side, there are many instances when a woman has wanted a legal separation, and her spouse agrees. However, down the line, he comes back for a formal divorce. He might do this for dating and marriage purposes of his own. This can be incredibly costly mentally, emotionally, and financially if you must drudge up issues of the past once again.

For more on the emotional impact, consider reading “Your Emotional Quandary: A Separation or a Divorce?”

Conclusion

When considering how your marriage will end, it is important to be aware of all the positives and negatives of a legal separation versus divorce. Be aware of the future emotional toll that might accompany legal separation as well as the legal repercussions. This will allow you to end your marriage in a way that makes sense to you and gives you the peace of mind you deserve.

NOTES

Elizabeth Newland is a third-year law student in Chicago who is committed to children and family rights. She aims to work in a family-related non-profit firm after graduation. 

Whether you are thinking about divorce, dealing with it, or recreating the life you deserve, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do it alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

What is a Restraining Order and How Do I Get One?

What is a Restraining Order and How Do I Get One?

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During your divorce process, situations may arise that require the court to get involved, and one tool you have at your disposal is a restraining order. To protect yourself before, during, or after your divorce is finalized, you can obtain a restraining order against your Ex (or if it’s before your divorce is finalized, your Soon-to-be-Ex or husband *). This article provides information and answers to common questions women have related to restraining orders.

What is a restraining order?

A restraining order stops someone from doing something harmful to you. The harmful activity can be posting negative comments about you on the Internet, stealing money from your account, or even speaking to you.

Restraining orders are usually used for stopping someone from temporarily doing something that affects you, and typically, the acts themselves are nonviolent.

A very common example of a restraining order in divorce litigations is when your spouse drains a marital asset. Say, for example, you and your spouse have a joint bank account with all of your assets pooled together and that is the account you use to pay for your daily living expenses. Your spouse, during the course of your divorce process or litigation, completely drains the account so that there is nothing left in the account for you to use.

This is when a restraining order is a great tool. You and your attorney could file an Emergency Temporary Restraining Order, which would order your spouse to stop spending any money he took from the account, and to freeze any other activity within that account.

Another thing to keep in mind is that every state treats restraining orders differently. Make sure you ask your attorney the specific uses, benefits, and downsides of filing a restraining order in your state.

If you are thinking about, or beginning a divorce, learn more and check out “The Top 5 Frequently Asked Questions About Divorce.”

How do I get a restraining order?

It’s important to remember, however, that a restraining order, at the end of the day, is just a piece of paper. While it’s a great tool that the legal system allows you to use, you will have to stay on top of your spouse to ensure that they are in fact following the provisions of the restraining order.

Keeping the previous example in mind, if your spouse drained the marital account, you would want to alert your attorney immediately so they begin drafting a Motion for a Temporary Restraining Order. In certain cases, it can be an Emergency Motion, and the judge will hear it faster. Every state is different, but in Illinois, for example, you have to prove that you are entitled to what you are asking for, that you suffered harm because of your spouse’s action, and that there is no  legal remedy for what your spouse did. While this sounds daunting, the example we are considering meets all these requirements easily. You need to prove that you had a right to the account, you used it for your everyday living expenses, and that you are burdened by your spouse’s actions.

There’s so much paperwork involved with a divorce. Read this piece, to understand specifically what “Divorce Papers” are.

How long do restraining orders last?

Again, this depends on the type of restraining order and the state you reside in.

Following the example in this article, you would want to make sure that you ask in your Motion for Temporary Restraining Order for your spouse to provide information about where he sent the funds; that the funds be frozen; and that he returns the funds to their proper bank account.

Once you present your motion in front of a judge, assuming it is granted, he or she will write an Order giving your spouse a timeline to complete everything that you are asking for.

Moreover, if you agree to a restraining order with your spouse (such as you two agree not to speak to each other or post about one another on the Internet), these Agreed Orders state how long they will last.

What else must you know if you are a woman dealing with divorce? Begin here: “55 Must Do’s on Your Divorce Checklist.”

What happens if someone violates a restraining order?

Penalties for violating restraining orders differ based on the circumstance and the state. In Illinois, for example, if someone violates a restraining order, you need to file a Petition for Rule to Show Cause. This petition needs to show that a restraining order was entered and that your spouse violated it for no good reason.

If you are successful in your petition, the judge can hold your spouse in contempt of court, and set a bail amount or even send them to jail. Again, keep in mind that you would have to go back to court, file a new petition, and argue it in front of a judge before this occurs.

What is the difference between a restraining order and an order of protection?

One thing to keep in mind is that some states use restraining order and order of protection interchangeably. Be sure to ask your attorney what the proper language is in the state you reside.

The kind of lawyer you use DOES matter. Consider reading this piece on

Why it’s not in your interest to hire a cheap divorce lawyer.

Restraining orders typically stop someone from doing something harmful to you. Orders of protection keep someone away from you. Orders of protection have more bite to them, and you can file them ex-parte (meaning the other party is not present).

Restraining orders can also be filed ex-parte, but they are rarer, and sometimes, these are agreed upon between you and your spouse. 

Another key difference is what happens when someone violates a restraining order versus an order of protection.

If someone violates an order of protection, there is a criminal charge against them. Restraining orders require more court appearances and judge intervention before the person is disciplined for violating it.

Something that you can use as a bargaining chip is changing your order of protection against your spouse to a restraining order. The logic behind this is that you still have protections in place, but it holds less severe penalties than an order of protection.

Conclusion

Restraining orders are a useful resource for women going through a divorce. It gives you a sense of security during and after your break up by providing you with guidelines as to what your spouse can and cannot do. This article provides insight into what restraining orders are, when to use them, and what to expect in court when you file them.

NOTES

Alexa Valenzisi is a 3L student in Chicago who is committed to child law and education law. She aims to work in education law or family law after graduation. 

 

Whether you are thinking about divorce, dealing with it, or recreating the life you deserve, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do it alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

Divorce Mediation: What is It and How Much Will it Cost?

Divorce Mediation: What is It and How Much Will it Cost?

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Introduction to Divorce Mediation

There are multiple ways to obtain a divorce. One way to go about it is through divorce mediation, a process where you and your spouse meet with a neutral third party. This third party helps facilitate your conversation with your spouse as you eventually come to an agreement about all elements of your divorce. These elements include dividing your assets and debt, potentially a custody agreement, and anything else that you two need to split. This article will explain what mediation is, its benefits, and what types of couples are good candidates for the process.

What is Divorce Mediation?

Mediation is when you and your spouse come to an agreement on all of the terms of your divorce with the help of a mediator. Lawyers are welcome to attend mediation, but they are never required to be present. A mediator is present as a neutral third party to make sure nothing gets too heated or whenever there is a disagreement, the mediator can try to parse out what you and your spouse are saying and try to find the middle ground. 

Understanding Divorce Mediation

It’s critical to understand that a mediator is not your attorney. They cannot provide you with legal advice. Their sole purpose is to remain a neutral third party while you and your spouse discuss your negotiation. Often licensed divorce attorneys themselves, mediators may charge you by the hour or by “the package.”

Court-Ordered Mediation

In this article we are discussing private mediation. But there is also a “court-ordered mediation.” This is when a judge orders you and your spouse to attend a mandatory mediation session in a divorce proceeding. This is different from private mediation when a couple decides to use mediation as the means to attain a divorce.

Private Mediation 

Private mediation happens before you are divorced. You and your Soon-to-be-Ex will go to mediation together in hopes to come to an agreement before any litigation or your attorneys negotiate on your behalf.

What are the other three ways to divorce, besides mediation? Learn about them in “The 4 Types of Divorce and How to Know Which One’s Right for You.”

Before going to court and having a judge involved in your divorce, mediation can be a good first step. In fact, some judges in certain states will recommend that you go to mediation before scheduling a court date. But it is always a voluntary option.

SAS Tip: Regardless of what type of divorce model you decide on as you seek your uncontested divorce, we recommend that every woman secure a private legal consultation with a divorce attorney first, to hear what your rights are and what you are entitled to BEFORE you and your spouse start splitting things up. 

Check out this piece on how to find a good divorce lawyer or this article for the important questions to ask a divorce attorney at a consultation.

If you and your spouse eventually agree on everything at mediation, the rest of your divorce will be relatively simple. The mediator will draft a settlement agreement for you to sign or have reviewed by a divorce attorney before signing. Alternatively, the mediator will provide you with a memorandum (also known as a Memorandum of Understanding – or MOU for short) that documents what you and your spouse agreed to during mediation. From there, you can have your attorney integrate it into your divorce settlement agreement.

If you wonder what other steps you could be taking to ensure your divorce goes as healthily as possible, read our “36 Things to Do If You are Thinking About Divorce.”

What are the Benefits of Divorce Mediation?

Probably the most enticing element of mediation is that it makes your divorce much cheaper than the opposite, the polar extreme of a highly contested divorce trial. The average cost of mediation ranges between $3,000.00 and $8,000.00, whereas the average cost of going to trial for a divorce is $4,100.00 for a completely uncontested divorce and rises to an average of $20,400.00 for a trial on just one contested issue. The average cost of retaining a lawyer without going to trial averages out to about $10,600.00.  So, among other benefits, there is a financial incentive for you and your spouse to take a shot at mediation before hiring a lawyer or going straight to court.

Maybe you don’t need mediation? Perhaps you will not divorce?

Consider reading “What Percentage of Marriages End in Divorce?”

You also have more control in your settlement agreement during mediation. The mediator is not there to dictate what your settlement agreement will be, that is up to you and your spouse. If you two are in agreement on most things, and they are lawfully sound, then you just need your divorce settlement memorialized and written up. Mediation may be the best means to achieve your goals.

Is Divorce Mediation Right for You?

Mediation is a great tool if you and your spouse can work together and are on the same page about the division of assets, support, and custody arrangements. (Check out “Child Support: 5 Things Mothers Must Know.”)

Something else to keep in mind is that if you and your spouse cannot come to an agreement during mediation, that is okay. If after mediation there is still no agreement, then that is when you would want to talk to an attorney about other strategies. You never have to agree to something you are not comfortable with during mediation.

SAS Tip: You can choose mediation while also being legally educated on your rights and private interests outside of the divorce mediation process. Read our “Hiring a Mediation Attorney Can Save You Money.”

When is Divorce Mediation Not a Good Idea?

Mediation, however, is not for every couple. It is important to understand that you and your spouse both need to be open and willing to talk with each other and come to an agreement that works for the two of you. If you know your spouse will not agree to anything that you want just to spite you, mediation may be futile.

If there is any sort of cheating, deception, hiding of funds or assets, power imbalance, financial imbalance, or anything else of the like between you and your spouse, then mediation is probably not the best course of action.

Other times when mediation is not a viable option is when there is a history of abuse, including emotional, physical, psychological, and financial. It there’s any alcohol abuse, a history of mental illness, or physical violence from any or both parties, these too are warning signs against mediation. These situations are not an exhaustive list, but the underlying fact is that you and your spouse need to be willing to work with each other, not against each other. In mediation, the power should be equally shared.

Conclusion

Mediation, while not for everyone, can be a good tool for securing your divorce. It saves you money and gives you more control over the terms of your divorce settlement. However, it is not for every couple and you have to decide if it is right for you. There are some situations where mediation is not appropriate, and instead, getting a lawyer right away may be your better option. Learning about mediation, however, is a worthy exercise. Asking yourself certain questions helps you understand more about the personality of your marriage, and in so doing, you better advocate for yourself.

NOTES

Alexa Valenzisi is a 3L student in Chicago who is committed to child law and education law. She aims to work in education law or family law after graduation.

 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional and oftentimes complicated experience of divorce. We invite you to learn what’s possible for you and your precious life. Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS now.

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

What is Family Court

What is Family Court (and Will You Have to Go There?)

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Family law is just one small sector of the country’s legal system. But, family law is so prominent in the legal system, that “family courts” are found in every state. This article will explain what family court is, who goes there, and anything else you need to know about it. 

What is Family Court? 

Family court is a type of court that has limited jurisdiction related to familial legal matters. The history behind family court is based on “equity” law. Equity law is the legal concept that focuses on equitable remedies within civil matters. This means that your divorce settlement may not result in a 50/50 split among your assets. Instead, the court focuses on an equitable division of your property. For custody, family court focuses primarily on the best interest of the child. Again, this means that a 50/50 parenting time is not guaranteed in family court. 

Another common term for family court you may hear is “domestic relations” or “domestic courts.” 

What type of cases does family court deal with? 

Family court covers more than just divorce. Other areas of law that family law covers are: 

  • Adoption 
  • Foster care 
  • Domestic Violence and Orders of Protection 
  • Guardianship (some states leave this to probate court; others include it in their family law division) 
  • Juvenile Delinquency 
  • Paternity 
  • Divorce 
  • Child Support 
  • Spousal Support 

The most common cases in family court are divorce, support issues, custody issues, and domestic violence.

Divorce is a broad umbrella term. Family courts have the authority to determine custody arrangements, support, and property division between you and your Soon-to-Be-Ex in a divorce case.  

What happens in family court?

Every state has a bit of a different process depending on the type of case, but there are common threads as to what you should expect in family court. 

In Illinois, for example, there are essentially three types of court dates you can attend. The first is a “status.” A status is a quick check-in with the judge. Your attorney may not even have you attend a status date. Status dates are for the judge to know any important updates on the case, and if there are any motions that need to be heard in the near future. A status can be as quick as five minutes in front of a judge. No ruling or judgment is made during a status.

To learn more about divorce in Illinois, read this piece, “6 Essential Things to Know About Divorce in Illinois.”

A “hearing” is a more formal proceeding in front of the judge. For example, you and your spouse may be in a disagreement about who should keep the family house. If you cannot settle or negotiate it out of court, you would have a hearing about it where you would present your case and your spouse would present his* case. Then, the judge would make a ruling on that issue. There can be witnesses and evidence in a hearing as well, but that is not always the case. It depends on the issue and the level of complexity of the issue itself. 

Hearings last around an hour to two hours. At the end of the hearing, the judge will make a ruling just on the matter that the hearing was about, nothing else within your divorce. 

Then, there’s a trial. A trial covers every issue you and your spouse have not agreed upon. Trials are lengthy and expensive. But, if there isn’t an agreement that you are comfortable with, you are entitled to a trial. At the end of the trial, the judge will decide the terms of your divorce settlement. The same goes for trials related to parenting issues. A common legal issue that goes to trial in family court is relocation. Relocation is where after a divorce, you want to move out of state with you and your husband’s child. 

There are other terms and types of court dates and appearances that your attorney may mention throughout your divorce. In Illinois, for example, the final court date that finalizes your divorce is called a “Prove Up.” Here, the judge will grant you and your spouse your divorce and lay out the terms of your agreement to make sure that you and your spouse understand. After that court date and the judge signs off on your divorce agreement, congratulations, you are divorced!

You may also hear the term “Pre-Trial Conference” throughout your divorce journey as well. A pre-trial conference is a great tool that your lawyer may want to use. During these conferences, your attorney, your spouse, their attorney, and the judge talk about the issues specific to your divorce. The judge does not make any type of ruling, but instead, tells the attorneys what their ruling most likely would be. This is a useful tool because it could save you court time and costs. If your attorney knows what the judge would most likely rule, they can make strategic decisions based off of that to help you and your Soon-to-Be-Ex settle or avoid going back to court. 

Something else to note about family court is that there is very rarely a jury in any type of divorce case. This means that the judge decides the terms of your settlement if you and your Soon-to-Be-Ex cannot. 

Does every divorce go to family court? 

No. There are ways to avoid going to court. Read about the 4 Types of Divorce to understand which model might be best for you.  For example, you and your spouse and your lawyers can endeavor to negotiate an “Uncontested Divorce.” (Check out our post on how to find a good divorce lawyer here.) You could also use mediation or a collaborative divorce, where you and your spouse work things out without getting a judge involved. With mediation, for example, meetings include you, your spouse, and a neutral third party – the mediator. You and your spouse can settle disputes, and the mediator is there to make sure things do not get too heated. This can save money. Plus, you get to be in a little more control of your settlement. Mediation is particularly good if you believe you and your spouse can come to an amicable agreement. 

If you wonder what else you must know and what else you should be doing as a woman preparing for divorce, we urge you to stay committed to you and read “Your 55 Must-Do’s on Your Modern Divorce Checklist.”

Conclusion 

Family court covers a wide variety of civil cases, but since you are here on our website SAS for Women, chances are you are dealing with divorce in some way.  Just know, you may never go to family court, or you may go just once, or you may be in court for a week for trial. It’s also important to understand that family court was created for a reason, often to protect women and in particular the rights of children. You can read more about divorce laws and their history in the United States here; while this article, in particular, gives you a synopsis of what to expect when you go to court, and how to avoid going to court during your divorce process. 

NOTES

Alexa Valenzisi is a 3L student in Chicago who is committed to child law and education law. She aims to work in education law or family law after graduation. 

Whether you are thinking about divorce, dealing with it, or recreating the life you deserve, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do it alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

how Much does a divorce cost in New York City by Reynaldo #brigworkz Brigantty for pexels.com

How Much Does a Divorce Cost in New York City?

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Preparing for the total financial cost is one of the most critical and daunting factors in planning for a divorce. While the average price for a lawyer-led divorce in the United States is approximately $7,000 – $11,0001 (and usually stems from a more heavily contested case), the national average cost of an uncontested, Do It Yourself (DIY) divorce is $2002. That’s a big span.  But where does New York City stand in particular with divorce costs?

How Much Does a Divorce Cost in New York City?

New York City is known for its high energy, high spirit, and high cost of living. This holds true for the high price of a divorce in the city, too. Check out “The Reality of Divorce in New York City” to understand more, but if we compare it to the rest of the state, the Big Apple boasts some of the most expensive legal professionals in the country. New York price averages reflect the large (and expensive) lawyers in metropolitan New York City, therefore a divorce in a different part of the state will likely be lower than the given averages3.

New York City-based lawyers are among the highest-paid in the country. The rough estimate for a lawyer-led divorce in New York City ranges from $13,000 to $25,000 (per person)4 at the base level. For an uncontested DIY divorce, the New York divorce filing fees alone cost $335.5 That’s another big spread in costs.

This article will explore your choices for divorce in New York City and unpack how much it may cost you.

Different Types of Divorce

Different types of divorce will cost different amounts. Henceforth, their complexity and the time needed to devote to the case. An uncontested divorce will always cost less than a contested divorce because both parties agree (ultimately) on all aspects in an uncontested divorce. The price of a contested divorce will range based on complexity. Read this article to make sure you appreciate the difference between a Contested and Uncontested Divorce.

As for “how” you will divorce, or which model of divorce to use, there are four main types of divorces:

  1. The Traditional, lawyer-led model (for Uncontested or Contested divorces)
  2. Mediation (for Uncontested Divorces)
  3. The Collaborative Model (for Uncontested Divorces)
  4. DIY (or Do-It-Yourself, for Uncontested Divorces). To learn more about the 4 different types of divorce, check out this article that explains the specific models.

How Much Does a Divorce Cost in New York City for Traditional Divorces?

When you think of divorce, you often think of the traditional model, where a lawyer prepares your case. Most of your expenses in a traditional divorce will come from a lawyer’s retainer and trial preparation (if you go to court). In New York State, the average hourly cost of a divorce lawyer is $175-325 per hour.6 However, New York City lawyers tend to be more expensive, averaging $340 per hour,7 but can cost you upwards of $800 or more per hour. This hourly fee is on top of the court filing fee of $335 and the in-court fee for litigated divorces, which is $120 per day in New York State.

Even when lawyers are involved, most divorces are uncontested, which means you and your spouse negotiate through your lawyers and eventually agree on most issues.

An uncontested divorce in New York City will run you roughly $5,500 per person8. This accounts for filing fees, lawyer consultations, and settlement agreements.

If your divorce is contested, meaning you and your spouse cannot agree on the issues and must go to trial, your cost will increase considerably. This is because preparing for court is costly. For a trial based on one issue, expect the price to increase by $16,000-$20,000, and for a trial based on two or more points, $22,000-$27,000. The total cost of your litigated divorce will depend on the complexity of your issues. This includes issues like property division, child custody, child support, and spousal maintenance. 

The average price of full litigation for a divorce in New York City is $50,000 — or $25,000 per person.

Finally, New York is one of the few states that still allows for a fault-based divorce. A fault-based divorce is far more expensive than a no-fault divorce. You can choose whether you want to file a no-fault, which means that your marriage is “irretrievably broken,” or a fault divorce, which charges the offending spouse with physical or mental abuse, adultery, abandonment, or imprisonment. Fault-based divorces are far more expensive because they will almost certainly go to trial, and your lawyer must work to discover and prove evidence that proves fault.

Learn about Fault vs. No fault divorce in this SAS piece.

Wonder what “Irreconcilable Differences” are when it comes to divorce? Check out this piece “What are Irreconcilable Differences and Do They Apply to You?”

How Much Does a Divorce Cost in New York City for DIY Divorces?

For a completely uncontested divorce, you might consider a DIY divorce. This is possible only if you and your spouse agree on all aspects of the divorce. and you are willing and able to invest a lot of time and energy into your case. This is because you will be responsible for it all on your own. If this is the case, your main cost will be the New York Court’s filing fee. Every state has a filing fee for filing your divorce with the court. This is the bare minimum, mandatory cost of a divorce. The New York City divorce filing fee is $335. This filing fee is added to the county’s index number cost. The index number is the number for your case that you put on all the papers before you file (it’s like a case identification number). The general index cost in New York is $210.

The absolute lowest cost for a DIY divorce in New York City is about $545 and accounts only for the filing fee and the index fee.

However, because the courts know how difficult it is to perfect the court process entirely on your own, New York offers an online divorce platform to assist you in your DIY divorce. This online system costs about $130. There any many reasons why a couple might invest in a New York Divorce Online service. A service would allow you to fill out the forms wherever and whenever you want, to take your time and be thoughtful with your information, to easily correct any mistakes you might make on the forms, and to have complete control over the process. A DIY divorce is the cheapest and the most personally labor-intensive type of divorce in New York City. Read “How Does an Online Divorce Work?”

SAS Tip: If you have the ability to dedicate time and energy and have an uncomplicated situation, then a DIY divorce is the least expensive option – but we only recommend it if you have little or no assets or debt and there are no children involved.

How Much Does a Divorce Cost in New York City for Uncontested Divorces? (Mediation)

Mediation, rather than litigation, is another option for an uncontested divorce. You might consider meditation if you and your spouse agree on all important aspects of your divorce (think property, child custody and support, and spousal maintenance). Mediation aims to save money by agreeing without having to enter the courtroom or go to trial. In most cases, this option will be far less expensive than a traditional divorce.

The average cost of private mediation in the state of New York ranges from $4,000 – $8,000,9 with New York City being on the higher end of the range.

Typically, mediation costs correlate to how complicated the divorce is (like with traditional lawyer costs) and the number of mediation sessions needed. Mediation fees typically include one to four sessions with a mediator, the preparation of the settlement agreement, and the cost of preparing and filing the divorce papers with the court.

Just like in traditional divorces, the more complex the case is, the more it will cost. The main cost factors in mediation are the number of issues in the case, the complexity of the problems, the cooperation of both parties, and the need for outside experts or specialists. If you use outside support, which is often a good thing, you will want to read this article on how “Hiring a Mediation Attorney in a Divorce Could Save You Money.”

Collaborative Divorce

In New York City, collaborative divorces are still relatively new.

  1. Divorce attorneys assist couples in resolving the contentious issues of divorce in a problem-solving manner.
  2. Lawyers negotiate on behalf of their clients and do not prepare for trial, putting them somewhere between mediation and full litigation.
  3. Divorces are typically less expensive than litigation and court battles, but they can occasionally cost even more. The cost of a collaborative divorce is determined by the complexity of the case.

In some cases, you might need to bring in a team of experts, like therapists, financial experts, or child psychologists, to reach a mutual agreement. Adding experts to a case will significantly increase the overall cost. If no additional experts are needed, then you are paying for the ease and peaceful problem-solving nature that accompanies a collaborative divorce.

Tip: If you have children and do not want to subject them to the litigious court process, you might consider mediation or budgeting for a higher-cost collaborative divorce – to keep the peace for the sake of your children.

Conclusion

Divorces are expensive. They take extensive planning and budgeting to ensure you can afford the type of divorce you want for the results you desire. Prior research and understanding of your options will ensure that there are no financial surprises or unneeded lessons learned the hard way. Make sure you advocate for yourself and ask questions before committing to any divorce model or legal process.

NOTES

Elizabeth Newland is a third-year law student in Chicago who is committed to children and family rights. She aims to work in a family-related non-profit firm after graduation. 

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected. 

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

Sources

  1. How Much Divorce Lawyers Charge, Lawyers.com
  2. How Much Does a Divorce Cost in 2022?, Forbes
  3. New York Divorce: How Much Does it Cost? How Long Does it Take? “New York’s statewide averages are likely a reflection of the large number of attorneys in our study from the greater New York City metropolitan area, where hourly rates were among the highest in the nation.”
  4. How Much Divorce Lawyers Charge, Lawyers.com
  5. Filing for an Uncontested Divorce, NYCourts.gov
  6. How Much Does a Divorce Lawyer Cost in New York?, OnlineDivorceNY.com
  7. How Much Does a Divorce Lawyer Cost in New York?, OnlineDivorceNY.com
  8. How Much Divorce Lawyers Charge, Lawyers.com
  9. How Much Does Divorce Mediation Cost in New York, Snap Divorce
Which States Have the Shortest Residency Requirement to Divorce

Which States Have the Shortest Residency Requirement to Divorce (and Which Ones, the Longest?)

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Figuring out where to file for divorce can be tricky. Each state has different rules and timelines that dictate who is eligible to file for divorce in that specific state. In this article, we’ll be providing insight as to what the most common requirements are to file for divorce, which states have the longest residency requirements for divorce, and which ones have the shortest. As well, we’ll explore particular requirements of certain states, and finally, what to do to make sure your divorce is finalized as quickly as possible. 

What is residency and residency requirements?

Every single US state has a residency requirement before you can file for divorce in that state.  Residency, or sometimes your attorney may use the word “domicile” means that you live in the state that you are filing. Domicile, however, requires you to reside there and have intent to remain in the state. Residency just means that you need to be present in the state at the time of filing. 

For a divorce to be filed in the proper state, either you, your Soon-to-Be-Ex, or both of you need to be residents of the state in which you are filing for a divorce. Only one of you needs to be a resident. Keep that in mind in case you and your Soon-to-Be-Ex separate and move to different states and want to obtain a divorce.

Some states have longer residency requirements, and others have much shorter ones

States implemented residency requirements so couples could not “forum shop” and pick the state with the best divorce laws for their situation. Instead, you need to meet the residency requirement before you can file for a divorce. Each state differs in its residency requirement. Most states have a 6-month residency requirement. That means you have to live in the state for 6 months before filing for a divorce in that state. 

States that are fast at granting a divorce

Some states are much faster at divorces than others. For example, Alaska, South Dakota, and Washington state only require that you be a resident at the time of filing. So, say you move to Alaska on Monday. Tuesday, you can file for divorce there.  

It’s important to remember that filing your divorce is the first step in the legal process. Even after you meet any residency requirement, the court still needs some processing time to finalize your divorce. Other states are faster than others at this. Alaska is notoriously fast at finalizing a divorce. Alaska, Nevada, and South Dakota can usually finalize a divorce in just under two months. Of course, each divorce is different and your particular circumstances could cause a delay. For example, the fastest divorces are ones in which you and your Soon-to-Be-Ex agree on everything (an uncontested divorce). In this case, you (or your lawyer) just need to send in the agreements for the judge to approve. 

Understand more about “agreeing on everything” by reading “What’s the Difference Between a Contested and Uncontested Divorce?” And if you want more info on what makes a “contested divorce,” read this important piece.

States that are slower in granting a divorce

Some states take much longer to get a divorce. They may have a longer residency requirement, and also have long waiting periods before your divorce is finalized. California, for example, has a 6-month state residency requirement and a 3-month county residency requirement. Vermont is another state that is notoriously slow at finalizing divorces. Vermont has a  one-year residency requirement, and there needs to be six months where you and your spouse live separately, and a three-month “decree nisi” period before the judge approves the divorce. This decree nisi just means that the judgment (in this case, your divorce) will become binding at a later date.

What you can do to speed up your divorce

Something else to keep in mind is whether or not your state has “no-fault” divorce. No fault divorce means that you do not have to prove something is wrong in your marriage, or someone is to blame; you just have to inform the court that irreconcilable differences caused a breakdown of the marriage. Most states have no-fault divorce laws, but if your state is a faults divorce state, there may be a long process to prove someone did something wrong in your marriage. Certain “faults” that warrant a divorce are adultery, insanity, alienation of affection, or emotional and physical abuse. Read more about fault vs. no-fault divorce in this SAS article.

Something else that can cause a delay in your divorce process is whether or not your state requires parenting classes. Some states like Illinois for example, require parents who want to get a divorce to complete an online parenting class before allowing the parties to divorce one another. 

Check out “6 Essential Things to Know About an Illinois Divorce.”

Certain state requirements, such as parenting classes, will be something that your attorney will know. Make sure to ask a divorce attorney about any particular requirements you may face in your state so that you can get going on anything you need to get done to ensure your divorce moves along swiftly.

If you’ve not yet connected for an educational consultation with a divorce attorney near you, check out this piece on how to find a good divorce lawyer.

It is important to note that there can be another issue to consider when evaluating where you can file for divorce. If you have children, child custody cases must be filed in the child’s home state. 

While it is not completely in your control, as each state is different, there are things that you and your spouse can do to make the process faster. Transparency with your attorney and your Soon-to-be-Ex is the best policy. The faster you can agree on things without the judge, the faster your divorce will be finalized and ready to go. That being said, never feel the need to settle if your spouse is not willing to negotiate. The judge can step in, that’s what the justice system is there for. 

Conclusion about residency requirements

To summarize, each state varies in the residency requirements to get a divorce. Some states have additional requirements on top of residency that you need to know about before filing for divorce. Make sure you learn the rules for the state in which you file your divorce. Regardless of any waiting period or specific requirements, the more on top of things you are, the faster you can get your divorce finalized.

NOTES

Alexa Valenzisi is a rising 3L student in Chicago who is committed to child law and education law. She aims to work in education law or family law after graduation.

Annie’s Group

For women thinking about … or beginning the divorce process, you’ll want to consider Annie’s Group, SAS for Women’s signature, 3-month group coaching program for those wanting an education, community, and guidance for learning what is possible for their lives. Whether it’s separation, divorce, or even staying married, commit to discovering what will be the healthiest thing for you and for everyone.

Check out Annie Group here.

*We support same-sex marriages and fluid gender identities. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

What Are You Telling Yourself After the Affair Has Ended?

What Are You Telling Yourself After the Affair Has Ended?

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What do you do when your world implodes and the love you thought would last is suddenly gone? I’m not talking about your marriage. I’m talking about your affair. What do you do after the affair has ended?

Affairs, like people, come in all shapes and sizes. They begin and end for different (though, interestingly, somewhat predictable) reasons. And they run their courses on different (though, again, somewhat predictable) timelines.

From Darwin to Freud to Dr. Ruth, theories on the motivations for cheating abound.

Modernize those theories with statistics on women who cheat, and the discussion becomes much more interesting and telling.

There are countless factors that influence the temptation and even proclivity to cheat. Like the “sets and subsets” of our elementary math days, they overlap in some areas and stand alone in others.

You can’t ignore, for example, the concurrence of women flooding into the workforce and stepping out of their marriages. Suddenly “having more” or “having it all” became an equal-opportunity employer because of…well, opportunity.

Perhaps the most constant and accepted theory of why women cheat zeros in on a woman’s natural yearning for emotional connection in a relationship. Centrifuge that down to its core message, and it sounds something like, “Men want sex, women want connection.”

Sounds pretty raw and overreaching for a stand-alone theory, but it’s not without merit. And its inherent message can be enlightening – even life-altering – after the affair has ended.

If nothing else, this focus on what a woman not only wants, but needs in a relationship can inform and guide her choices if (but more likely when) her affair ends.

So let’s use the end of an affair as a starting point. After all, the majority of affairs do end, and for fairly predictable reasons.

From being united in a common bubble of excitement, misery, and secrecy to succumbing to unchanged coping styles, eventually, most affairs crumble.

If you’re a woman who has cheated on your husband and are now at the end of an affair, you’re probably feeling like a rowboat mid-Atlantic at midnight. 

Where are you? What the hell do you do now after the affair? 

And are those fins you just saw circling the boat, or is it your imagination?

Before you start paddling aimlessly toward a dark, unknown destination, you have a big question to answer: Should you stay or should you go?

What may surprise you – and even attempt to heist your decision-making – is the grief you will feel. 

And it may be overlapping grief for two relationships.

Depending on the length of your affair, you may have developed a deeply emotional relationship with this other man. With women especially, this kind of affair can feel like a marriage in itself – or at least a transition away from an unsatisfying marriage.

Distinguishing between the natural grief that accompanies the loss of anything important to you and the realization of what you were seeking to begin with will be difficult.

As if that’s not a weighty enough task, you will be crushed by the obvious and imminent dilemma: Do you tell your husband about the affair?

Is it possible that he really doesn’t know or even suspect? 

What will the backlash be like? 

Will he even want to stay married to you? 

Do you even want to stay married to him? 

How will you discover the answers in the midst of so much hurt, anger, and confusion?

You have a handful of choices at the moment:

  • Tell your husband about the affair and express remorse and a desire (and commitment) to work on your marriage.
  • Tell your husband about the affair and tell him you want a divorce, even though the affair has ended.
  • Tell your husband about the affair and tell him you want a temporary separation to work on yourself and potentially your marriage.
  • Don’t tell your husband, but stay in your marriage and work to make it better.
  • Don’t tell your husband, stay with things as they are, and hope he doesn’t find out.

Every choice carries consequences that can’t be reneged on.

You may not have consciously considered the possibility that marriage isn’t for you at all. 

Searching outside your marriage may not have been at all about looking for what someone else could fill.

It may have been about looking for what only you can fill.

You are now in a position of unfathomable accountability.

You are also in a position of unimaginable opportunity.

And you will have to embrace both at the same time.

Before rushing into a decision, you need to get down and dirty with your reasons for cheating in the first place. 

What lured you into becoming part of the cheating wife phenomenon? 

Were you really starving for an emotional connection that could/would never exist in your marriage? 

Or were you, perhaps, yearning for the sexual gratification that has long been nodded to cheating men?

These aren’t and won’t be easy questions to answer. If epiphanies were a checkout-lane commodity, perhaps we wouldn’t leave such devastation in our quest for them.

Certainly now, more than perhaps any other time in your life, is the moment to seek guidance in your process. 

Discernment counseling can help you learn if there is any hope left in your marriage. It can also help you devise a plan for telling your husband (if that’s your intention) and deal with the fallout.

And hiring a divorce coach can ensure you are informed of the divorce process before you or your husband rush into any irrevocable decisions.

Finally, one assurance you must have:

You are not alone on this journey. Millions of women have been and still are where you are. 

And support and camaraderie – without judgment – are right here for you.

This period – this black hole after the affair has ended – not only can be but will be life-changing. 

It’s up to you to decide what that change looks like.

NOTES

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklist,s and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”