Browse Articles on the topic of Life After Divorce

Divorced women on a boat

11 Truths Divorced Women Want You to Know

If you are thinking about or dealing with divorce, it’s human nature to want to hear things from other women who have survived it. We want to compare our experiences of hell, and we want to know how they did it, ultimately, how they, women like us, championed through it. Hearing their story creates a bond that pulls us in and lessens the magnitude of our own story and the depth of feeling so very alone.

As women who work with women dealing with divorce, we know this to be especially TRUE, and so whenever possible, we like to share some of the insightful gems we hear when women open up and talk about their experiences. There’s nothing like a smart woman for calling the issues out.

Here are ten truths divorced women want you to know about and to be on the lookout for.

You can’t Google-solve your divorce

“When my marriage was breaking up and I was trying to survive,” says Kelly, an accomplished professional in her forties, “I tried to figure out everything using Google. But it became a rabbit hole! What helped me more was accepting that everything was in flux and not so easily solve-able. That divorce wasn’t just a document, or a financial readjustment, or things I could learn on the internet. It was a life shocker involving me to get really clear on who I wanted to be now that everything in my life had been chucked. Once I got that it helped me realize the journey, what divorce recovery is. I realized I would not be put together for a long time.”

It’s normal to be afraid

“Once I accepted it was normal to be afraid,” laughs Jessie, “it was freeing. Like it allowed me to relax a little. Being afraid doesn’t mean you can’t do it.”

Lonely is not the same as alone

“All my life—even probably causing me to marry,” admits Susan, a woman in her sixties, “I was afraid to be alone. And later it was definitely one of the things that kept me in a dysfunctional place—just being scared to be by myself. I was afraid I could not survive. But now I wake up by myself. I am alone, I realize being lonely is very different than being alone. Lonely means missing, feeling incomplete, wanting or feeling a lack of someone or something. Alone! Alone, I like being alone now and doing things I want to do. I don’t find myself or my life lacking.”

It’ll be normal for your kids to hate and judge you

“One of the hardest things for me was hearing my kids say what they said,” says Karen, a mother of three teens. “They really knew how to hurt me. Despite my efforts to do things healthily, I was human and at times I failed. And it’s clear I failed BIG TIME sometimes! But what I tell my friends now who are facing divorce is that your children will not always understand what’s going on—and neither will you all the time. But your kids don’t have the life span on this earth to understand. Until they do, they need your sympathy and support, not their shoulder to cry on.”

There’s a big difference between signing an agreement and healing your heart

“To help you stay organized,’ says Penny, a woman married for more than twenty-two years, “It can help if you think of the emotional journey through divorce like a roller coaster. And then outside the game park, your legal process. There’s a really big difference between the two, and it’s important to keep them separate. This means doing something for your emotions when you are triggered or upset or falling down. You got to find a safe place to go. Like my therapist was my godsend. And separately, you’ve got to look at the business transaction of the divorce and use a completely different part of your brain when you are making smart decisions there. Don’t lead with your emotions in the business transaction!”

Let go of “right” or “wrong”

“Stop trying to view your choices as right or wrong,” counsels Marcie. “The best decision making in divorce, is often not a question of what is right or wrong but what makes the most sense, what seems like the healthiest approach. Once you realize this, you become much more comfortable with the gray in life and a better problem-solver!”

There are great people waiting for you

An exciting, whole, new community of people are waiting for you. They understand what you’ve been through (they’ve got quite a few good stories of their own), but they don’t want you to stay wallowing there. They want you to step into your new chapter like them, and to keep learning, to keep living. Let’s start creating that life right now.

Stop listening to people who don’t know

There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t want to date after divorce. Don’t listen to your well-meaning friends, family, or annoying neighbors who urge you to “get back out there” if it doesn’t appeal to you now or ever. You’ve got a million other things to think about, feel and enjoy.

Your best days are coming

“I am convinced the biggest most expansive moments, happen post-divorce,” says Jennifer who has moved to a new country. “I had no idea how finding out about me on a soulful level would automatically translate into my finding more and more situations that inspire me. I am not sure if it’s because one is more grateful or aware, but listening to who we are, becomes self-fulfilling!”

You will learn much more

You know how you feel tired these days? How you feel like an old dog who could not stand to learn anymore tricks? “Well, I’ve got news for you,” says Deshum. “As tired and baked as you might feel now, you can and you will still learn new things! It’s called adaption, and Charles Darwin knew it’s important for you to learn, change and adapt so you can stick around. So get excited because you’re going to learn to Tango!”

Love is there

“Some of us are hurt. We’re wounded,” shared Maria quietly. “We don’t know what to think of love, or if we will ever want a part of love again. I know I never thought I’d be in a relationship again. I just wasn’t interested. After my divorce, I was building my business, and working so hard. I honestly wasn’t interested even in dating…But then, love suddenly happened. Out of the blue! As if to remind me that love existed before my marriage, and during my marriage. And yes, it exists still…after divorce. Watch out, because love can find us.”

Change the course of your life—AFTER DIVORCE—this October. Spots go quickly

Paloma’s Group™: Learning the Art of Reinvention. For newly independent women, post-divorce. Over the course of (only) 3 months, each group-class ​builds on a core theme required to ​design a life you deserve. Schedule a free 45-minute coaching session to explore (and experience) how this remarkable group of post-divorce women will plan and act on creating a life they love.  

We promise — whether you join us for Paloma or not — you’ll walk away from your complimentary coaching-session discovering a next step in your unique After Divorce journey. 

“We choose not to do it alone.” ~ SAS for Women

*At SAS for Women, we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

How to reinvent your look after divorce

How to Reinvent Your Look After Divorce

It might be a cliché to reinvent your look after divorce, but that’s never stopped anyone before. Let’s face it—getting a divorce is a stressful time for most, but there are a few ways that you can get through it and boost your confidence. Sure, everyone has different circumstances. There are plenty of ways you can handle the emotions that come with and the stresses of a divorce, but no matter what, your goal should be to handle it all with dignity.

Having confidence in yourself is important to get through a divorce with a positive attitude and some fighting spirit.

Reassess your look

It’s common for women in a long-term relationship to “let things slide” when it comes to their wardrobe and overall look. We tend to fall back on comfortable clothing and casual wear. After all, being in a long-term relationship is supposed to be comfortable, and we don’t need to find a new partner because we already have one!

Following the break-up, during your divorce recovery, it is all too easy to get sucked into a negative mindset. We feel bruised and numb. The emotional upheaval is real. You probably won’t care what you look like for a while, but once you are over the worst of it, it’s time to reassess and decide where changes can be made in your wardrobe.

Take a long, hard look at your closet. Throw out all your dated clothing and unflattering sweatpants. It’s time to start looking like a hot, single again. (Or, at the very least, trying to!) There’s nothing stopping you—reinvent your look after divorce.

Being confident in your style

The key to being confident about how you look is to believe you are confident. One way to do that is to play the part. You will easily feel more confident if you leave the house each day having made an effort, so don a new bright lipstick, put on clothes that make you feel good, make an effort to do your hair—whatever it takes to feel strong and confident in yourself.

Many people feel more confident if they are dressed up, versus feeling sorry for themselves in pajamas and a baggy t-shirt. While being in your comfy clothes to lounge around the house is okay, don’t let it become a habit. Keep comfy clothes for bedtime. Make sure to get dressed and look smart for the business of the day.

If you don’t have anything in your wardrobe that makes you feel and look good, go out and buy yourself something that will. Right now, you are in control of your decisions, and you should do things for you. If buying a new handbag will make you feel more confident in yourself, then go ahead.

But rather than impulsive purchases, take the time to think about what you want, and purchase something that is going to be treasured by you. Online sites such as SSENSE have lots of luxury fashion items, such as Saint Laurent handbags, which could make a great investment piece.

If there are things you’ve always wanted to have but felt selfish in doing so, now is the time to be selfish. Do things for yourself, and treasure the independence and freedom you have right now. Like we said before, you’re in control. You can absolutely reinvent your look after divorce.

Now, that’s not to say you should go out and spend money recklessly, but you could make a day out of treating yourself and invite a close friend who always knows how to make you feel good. Spending time with the people who support you is also a great confidence booster, and any good friend will know how to be there for you, just as you would be there for them.

If shopping isn’t your thing, consider other steps to take solo and with friends—as long as you are enjoying yourself and spending quality time with the people you love—including yourself.

Curate a capsule wardrobe that flatters your shape

Whether you are ready to embark on a fitness program, taking up yoga to fight post-divorce depression, or not, it’s time to curate a capsule wardrobe that embodies the new you. Mix and match your looks for work, nights out with girlfriends, and eventually, dates. Pull together a series of different looks using timeless classics and up-to-the-minute fashion items.


Looking to move beyond your wardrobe? If you are newly divorced and wondering how to rebuild your life in 360 degrees, you want to know about Paloma’s Group our Life After Divorce Support Group.


It’s OK to buy some cheap fashion pieces, but if you want a more stylish look, invest in a few good quality classics like a blazer, designer white tee, and a good quality pair of jeans. Don’t forget about footwear and accessories too. These help you pull together a more cohesive look.

Finally, what is important to remember is that you will grow and learn from this experience. Things are going to be tough, and your life will seem incredibly difficult to deal with at times. But this post isn’t just about how to reinvent your look after divorce—it’s about taking one step closer toward changing your entire outlook. If you focus on yourself and the love and support of your close friends and family, eventually the pain will be something in the past.

Cultivating confidence in yourself to build a brighter new future will help you move forward, so keep going. You WILL eventually get to a place where you and more positive things reign.

Rosana Beechum is a young lady focusing on rediscovering her sexuality as a divorced mother of two. Whilst doing this, she is looking to share advice with fellow women in a similar situation emphasizing the importance of looking after yourself in terms of mind and body. 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your free, 45-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

Tips for Women for Love and Health

Tips for Women Taking a Holistic Approach to Love and Health

When you hear about taking care of your health, your mind almost instantly goes to tips for women about eating well and exercising—about not “letting yourself go.” The reality is that there is more to people than their physical bodies and digestive systems. There is mental health wellness, like taking care of yourself emotionally and acknowledging that being sexual is both healthy and necessary, for instance.

To take a holistic approach to enhancing your health, all areas need to be addressed. Ensure that your love life isn’t neglected and give it as much care as you do your physical and mental well being. It can sometimes be difficult to determine where to start depending on where you are in life, but these tips for women should be a good jumping off point and hopefully get you motivated.

Learning and recognizing what your sexual needs are

Just as there are people who enjoy hitting the gym regularly, jogging every morning, or doing aerobics at home, everyone has different sexual needs. Human sexuality is intrinsic and natural. Whether you are single or in a committed relationship, you have to make your sexual needs a priority. Human sexuality is based on more than just physical satisfaction. There are elements such as intimacy, variety, and even expression.

Learning what exactly your sexual needs are can be hit or miss. But after divorce, it’s important to experiment and educate yourself so that you can fulfill your needs the same way you do in other aspects of your life.

Enhancing your love life

Besides accepting the fact that all humans have sexual urges and needs and that they’re natural, there’s also the fact that there’s nothing wrong with utilizing enhancements. There are many different items, supplies, and enhancements that can be used to improve your love life.

Even if you aren’t normally the adventurous type, trying out different types of sex toys and enhancements can really change and improve the way you feel about yourself. Some would describe the best strap-on sex toy as one that allows both people to feel satisfied. Wet for Her is a good company to check out if you are looking for sex-positive accessories and toys you can incorporate into your sex life. (Remember, experimentation is good—there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.)

Experimenting in the bedroom

You might have a set routine when it comes to intimacy. Things may begin, proceed, and end very similarly nearly every time. But routines can become habitual in a way that’s no longer exciting, and experimentation helps people have the best overall sexual health.

Now being sexually “adventurous” or even just being open to trying out new toys, positions, etc. isn’t something that you have to do all the time. In fact, many couples choose to experiment only on a semi-regular basis. When you find what works for you, it isn’t really necessary to reinvent the wheel. Instead try to think of experimenting in the bedroom as a much-welcome surprise that you get to endeavor in every once in a while.

Becoming empowered

At times, taking care of your health and love life can be difficult. Especially if your love life might be going through a rough patch. For most people, this can happen during a breakup or even after divorce. When you part ways with someone you have been in a relationship with for a very long time, your sexual health might be something that you put on the back burner.

It’s important during times of difficulty that you take the time to continue to explore your sexuality—empower yourself with it. While exploring you might discover things that benefit you that you were unaware of before. These are tips for women, specifically, because we don’t know often give ourselves permission to be completely selfish.

Just as you should exercise on a regular schedule and avoid eating unhealthily, your sexual health must be a priority. Take some time to be celibate and clear your mind if you’re single or getting over a break-up. If you’re in a relationship, be open to trying new things and listen to your partner’s suggestions.

At the same time, don’t be shy when it’s your turn to speak up. If there is something going on in the bedroom you want to talk about, make your thoughts known. Likewise, if you and your significant other have recently tried something new that you really enjoy, don’t hesitate to let him* know what makes you happy. As you continue on your divorce journey know that when you take a holistic approach to your health, a happy love life naturally follows.

Rosana Beechum is a young lady focusing on rediscovering her sexuality as a divorced mother of two. Whilst doing this, she is looking to share advice with fellow women in a similar situation emphasizing the importance of looking after yourself in terms of mind and body.  

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your free, 45-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

 

*At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

Life after divorce

Life After Divorce: Getting You and Your Money Together

Before, during, and after divorce, one thing that’s on everyone’s mind is their finances. The following is an imagined conversation, but as a financial advisor, I’ve heard variations of it all too often amidst women struggling to rebuild their life after divorce.

An all-too-common conversation between divorced friends

FRIEND: So, how are things going with the divorce? Are you close to finalizing everything?

FRIEND 2: Believe it or not, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My attorney has been wonderful—as far as attorneys go, I guess.

FRIEND: That’s great.

FRIEND 2: Yeah, I guess.

FRIEND: What’s wrong? I thought you said your attorney was good.

FRIEND 2: Yes, she is, but, well, this other part is embarrassing.

FRIEND: What do you mean? Are you OK?

FRIEND 2: I’m fine—but it’s hard for me to talk about this. I feel ashamed. You probably won’t understand.

FRIEND: What is it? Are you OK? Please, let me help you.

FRIEND 2: Well, OK, OK. But please don’t tell anyone, OK?

FRIEND: OK.

FRIEND 2: Well, my attorney is good. She got me almost everything I wanted, or at least everything I thought I deserved—to be fair.

FRIEND: So what’s the problem?

FRIEND 2: This is hard for me. Well, I let my husband take care of all the money stuff. I never really kept track of what we had. And now the attorney is showing me all these accounts that I’m getting. And this may sound stupid, but I don’t know what to do with them, how to read them or understand them.

FRIEND: Oh, don’t worry, you’ll be fine. I thought you were going to say you were sick or something! 

FRIEND 2: Don’t laugh, please, this is making me sick. I don’t know anything about investments. I’ve never balanced a checkbook, let alone managed our account online. I can’t believe I let this happen! And now I have to take care of it for me and the kids? Mutual funds, 401(k)s, life insurance—what does it all even mean? It’s overwhelming! To be truthful, I am scared. I thought life after divorce would be easier. I am going to mess everything up and lose what little I have.

FRIEND: OK OK. Calm down, everything will be fine.

FRIEND 2: How do you know everything will be fine? You went to college and studied economics! When you got divorced you already knew about all these things.


Learn what other steps you could be taking to promote your healthiest life after divorce. Read 100 Must Do’s for the Newly Divorced, Independent Woman


FRIEND: No way—after I got married and had kids I forgot everything I learned in college about money because my Ex handled the finances too.

FRIEND 2: So what did you do with the money you got in the divorce? How did you begin?

FRIEND: I was lucky. My sister had a friend who’s a financial person, a professional she referred me to. He began to teach me what to focus on and helped me learn how to invest money. The important thing is that this person guiding you is smart and a good teacher who can help you take care of everything as you rebuild your life after divorce. Do you want his name?

FRIEND 2: Sure, I guess. I’m assuming he’s qualified and he knows what he’s doing?

FRIEND: Yes, he’s got all types of credentials, but that’s not what impressed me.

FRIEND 2: Then why did you use him?

FRIEND: Because of how he interacted with me when I first met him. He took the time to get an idea of what I understood and figure out what I didn’t have a clue about. It seemed like he knew when I didn’t understand something, and he took the extra time to make it clear before we moved onto the next topic.

FRIEND 2: Sounds like someone who doesn’t exist!

FRIEND: Too good to be true, right!

FRIEND 2: Yeah, but he probably deals with a lot of rich people and would’t deal with small accounts like mine.

FRIEND: Nope, not the case—he only accepts referrals from existing clients so when I refer you to him, he will work with you if you want him to. By the way, he doesn’t have a minimum.

FRIEND 2: But if I sign up with him is he ever going to call me after I give him my money?

FRIEND: That’s one of the most important things! When I first started working with him, he spent a ton of time with me to come up with a plan, to understand what my goals are. He even helped me identify my goals. He’s a very good listener. And he requires meeting with you as times goes on to review the plan and to see if it needs any changes. Oh, and one more thing, when you meet with him, he doesn’t hand you off to his assistant or junior person on the team.

FRIEND 2: OK. But how will I know if he’s doing a good job?

FRIEND: You will have online access so you can review the accounts at any time. Quarterly reports are also provided. And he also checks with my accountant to make sure I’m paying enough in taxes and stuff like that. I like having more than one person looking after me. Life after divorce is hard enough. I like a diversified approach. I am not putting my eggs in any one basket ever again. Neither in marriage or other things.

FRIEND 2: OK. I guess I can call him.

FRIEND: I have a better idea. If it’s OK with you, I’ll have him call you. He’s very good at being proactive and following up.

FRIEND 2: Well that would be a big help. I think I feel better after talking with you.

FRIEND: Yes, that’s a step in the right direction.

Life after divorce can be fraught with a sense of anxiety and, yes, even shame. If you find yourself here, then maybe you feel a bit more like Friend 2 in this scenario. Knowing help is out there can already make the weight on your shoulders feel a little smaller, but not everyone has a friend with a referral in their back pocket—how do you even begin to pick the right financial professional for you? What do you do when you find yourself suddenly in charge of your household’s finances?

Keys to picking a financial professional

  • Get recommendations from people you know and trust. That means anyone from family members and friends to attorneys, accountants, divorce coaches, and therapists.
  • Interview the financial professional in person or by phone. You are looking for a personality that will work well with your personality.
  • Check the financial professional’s background on the Financial Industry Regulatory
  • Authority (FINRA) BrokerCheck website.
  • Does the financial professional have account minimums?
  • Does the financial professional handle a lot of clients like you. By that, we mean people who are going through a transition due to divorce or widowhood.
  • How does the financial professional get paid? Do they earn commissions on each transaction, or do they charge an annual fee based on how much you have with him?
  • Does the financial professional have a communication plan for staying in touch with clients? How often can you expect a phone call or email from him? Does he have periodic reviews? If so, how often? Are they in-person or over-the-phone?
  • Who is the financial professional’s typical client? You don’t want to be overlooked for his bigger clients!

Life after divorce is a journey, and it’s one made easier by having the right community by your side. The best part of starting over is that you get to decide exactly who’s a part of that community—your friends and relatives, yes, but also smart professionals who empower you to make the best choices for yourself and your family. They are out there, and now you know how to find them.

 

This conversation is hypothetical and is intended for illustration purposes only. The article is for informational purposes only and it is not to be considered tax or legal advice. AXA Advisors (its affiliates) and associates do not provide tax, accounting or legal advice or services. You should seek advice based on your particular circumstances from an independent tax or legal advisor. Christopher Kelly offers securities through AXA Advisors, LLC (NY, NY 2123144600), member FINRA, SIPC. Annuity and insurance products offered through AXA Network, LLC. Individuals may transact business and/or respond to inquiries only in state(s) in which they are properly registered and/or licensed.  AGE 146422(08/19) (exp.08/21)

Chris Kelly is a financial advisor with over 25 years of experience in the financial services industry. He specializes in what he calls “Financial Transitions” – helping families design and implement a financial plan to help deal with the loss of the primary income earner due to divorce, death, or disability. He is well-versed in a broad range of financial subjects including investments, cash flow planning, and estate planning. Chris has offices in Woodbridge, NJ, Wall, NJ and New York City.

Contact Chris at [email protected] or 732-292-3357 to begin a conversation on how to make your post-divorce financial journey a smooth one.

 

divorced women

What All Divorced Women Have in Common

Years ago, when I was still shell-shocked from learning of my husband’s infidelity and angry that I had become a divorced woman, I went out to dinner with two friends. Both were divorced women, so we had that in common. But one was talking easily about co-hosting her son’s graduation party with her Ex and his new wife—the woman he’d left her for.

She barely even rolled her eyes when she said his name!

I couldn’t believe it. “How can you stand to be in the same room with him?” I asked, thinking of my own Ex-husband and the knot of dread and anxiety I felt just seeing his name pop up on my phone.

“It’s been five years,” she said. “After a while, I stopped caring about the past. You’ll get there too.”

She said this casually, with so much assurance, that I felt I had to believe her. But how could I?

I couldn’t imagine a day when I could be civil to my Ex

And I considered this pretty normal. Certainly, my other girlfriends who were newly divorced weren’t planning parties with their Ex-husbands. Like me, their scars were too fresh. They were still reeling from divorce fallout that seemed unending: Sandy was constantly facing her Ex in court, while Roxanne’s Ex refused to see or speak to her for more than a year. Linda was grieving not just the loss of her husband but the loss of her best friend, with whom he had an affair. Katie, in her sixties, had given up her retirement plans and savings for her second husband only to be abandoned and forced to navigate the harsh realities of a grey divorce.

What I knew for sure was that my friends and I, and many women like us, had been thrust into situations we never asked for.

As divorced women, how could we stop caring about the past when the past wouldn’t leave us alone?

I gave this a lot of thought. And I kept hearing my friend’s confident voice saying, “You’ll get there too.”


For more suggestions on how to move forward, check out What to Do After Divorce: Your Top 15 Best Moves


Then a funny thing happened. The more I thought about the past, the more I began seeing it through a different lens. In the same way that I had never imagined getting a divorce, I’d never imagined doing other challenging things, like not getting permission from the judge before moving my children to a safer, less expensive apartment. Or buying my own car without consulting with my Ex. Or enrolling in a course to become an energy medicine practitioner. Or learning to say no (full stop!) when my Ex tried to control my life.

When I focused on all the strong, independent moves I made throughout my divorce, the past didn’t seem so suffocating. In fact, I saw that I actually came through my divorce with the best gift imaginable: I met the best version of myself.

And this has been true for my friends too. We have something wonderful in common.

Divorced women have a secret superpower; it’s the strength to rise again

Not all of us look wildly successful on the outside. All of us still face challenges and struggles, but we share an inner strength that we never knew existed.

Here’s what that strength looks like:

Sandy spent so much time in court that she connected with someone who offered her a job as the office manager of an all-female law firm.

The extended cold shoulder Roxanne got from her Ex gave her the space to meet an amazing new partner.

Linda kept loneliness at bay by focusing on her education and career. She earned a doctorate degree and became a department head at a Big Ten university.

Katie, like me, wrote an award-winning memoir about surviving divorce.

Now, when I meet someone going through a divorce, I want to be the one offering assurances. I want to share what my friends and I have learned. I want to take that baffled, disbelieving woman gently by the shoulders, look her in the eyes, and tell her to have faith.

Divorced women are the strongest women you’ll ever meet

A divorced woman knows that the best version of her has gone ahead and is pulling her forward.

A divorced woman has earned a seat at a table loaded with resilience, clarity, wisdom, and freedom. And yes, it’s the very same table where she may, one day, have dinner with her Ex and her Ex’s new wife.

And it will be no big deal. I promise.

 

Change the course of your life — AFTER DIVORCE — this October. Spots go quickly

Paloma’s Group™: Learning the Art of Reinvention.

For newly independent women, post-divorce. Over the course of (only) 3 months, each group-class ​builds on a core theme required to ​design a life you deserve. Schedule a free 45-minute coaching session to explore (and experience) how this remarkable group of post-divorce women will plan and act on creating a life they love.

We promise — whether you join us for Paloma or not  — you’ll walk away from your complimentary coaching-session discovering a next step in your unique After Divorce journey. 

“We choose not to do it alone.” ~ Sas for Women

 

Tammy Letherer is an author and writing coach. Her most recent book, The Buddha at My Table: How I Found Peace in Betrayal and Divorce, is a Gold Medal Winner in the Living Now Book Awards and in the Human Relations Indie Book Awards. It was also a finalist in the 2018 Best Book Awards and National Indie Excellence Awards. 

* At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

A woman looking for love after divorce

The Blessings of Finding Love After Divorce

Dating has its ups and downs after being divorced. The frustration and fear of not meeting the right person and potentially cycling through a failed marriage again is almost enough to discourage you from the process altogether. Is finding love after divorce really possible? Is the risk of being hurt again worth it?

You want to feel like one of those independent and strong divorced women you’re always hearing about. You want to feel like you’re ready to move on, but you’re not actually sure what that looks like. In fact, you can’t even remember why you shouldn’t give up the search for your ideal partner entirely.

It may take longer and a little more effort than you had anticipated, but ultimately, you’ll be glad you pushed through because there is love after divorce and it’s better than you imagined. In the meantime, there’s nothing wrong with being single and embracing your independence as you continue your quest.

But if you need a reminder of why there are blessings in finding love after divorce, then look no further. We can help you get back in touch with your inner-romantic.

Feels like home

Wouldn’t dates be so much better if you could skip the small talk and just be comfortable with one another? That’s one of the benefits of finding your partner. Conversations become more meaningful, or better yet, you can spend time together without needing to speak non-stop and fill up every silent pause. Your partner can act as a sounding board for how to approach your problems or ideas, and he* can be there for you if you feel out of sorts. When you travel together, you don’t feel so homesick because you’ve brought a piece of your life along with you.


Worried you are “Destined for Rebound Relationships?” You’ll want to learn more about yourself in this piece.


Fired up by the familiar

If you don’t have the opportunity to spend too much time together, the thought of seeing your partner after a long absence is a wonderful feeling. Doing simple things, like being in his presence while watching a movie and eating pizza, can become some of your favorite pastimes. Even mundane activities, like household chores or grocery shopping, become fun undertakings.

And then, of course, there are times when the daily grind of work and life may take its toll, and you may not want to do anything or talk to anyone. That’s when just being together is enough.

The power of touch

Touching is about more than just sex. It includes the small stuff, too. Holding hands and hugging may seem trivial, but they actually have powerful effects on our overall well-being.

Simple human contact boosts oxytocin levels, which is shown to decrease feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety. Grabbing your partner’s hand or giving into a spontaneous embrace are gestures that stimulate the pleasure center of the brain—no matter how inconsequential they seem.

Being yourself

We all have weird quirks and idiosyncrasies. When you meet the right person, you can be yourself. You and your partner don’t have to share the same interests or mannerisms to get along. Often, people who have opposite personalities and different interests just click and complement each other.

In reality, of course, not everyone’s peculiarities mesh well over the long-term. Things that seemed endearing at the onset of a relationship lose their charm. But then, that’s what dating is all about—you can figure out exactly what you need in a partner to truly be yourself.

With all the positives that come with finding love after divorce, it’s worth putting in the work. Nothing worthwhile comes easy. If you’re thinking about calling it quits on the dating scene, maybe you just need to rethink your strategy. Not all relationships after divorce will be rebounds. But there are certainly different types of men that youll meet, and not all of them are the right fit for you.

When conventional methods of meeting people are proving to be less than successful, try alternatives like dating sites. There’s no need to settle when you have access to a variety of websites and apps that specialize in everything from certain age ranges and religious backgrounds to interracial dating. Expanding your options will afford you so many more opportunities to find love after divorce.

Being divorced shouldn’t be seen as a failure. It should be seen as a closed chapter and an open door. You’re ready to start this new chapter—you’re brave enough to walk through that door. Your divorce recovery starts now.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the challenging experience of divorce and re-creation. Now you can learn the Art of Reinvention through Palomas Group, our virtual, online post-divorce group coaching class for women only. To promote sisterhood and protect confidentiality, space is limited.

* This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

Women fighting post divorce depression with yoga

Benefits of Yoga in Fighting Post Divorce Depression

Post Divorce Depression is real, and it’s a bit different than the pain and other negative emotions stirred up during your divorce. Those emotions manifest differently for everybody—grief, anger, frustration, and anxiety are only some of the emotions at play during and after a divorce. Sometimes the feelings get so bad, you want to build a fire and burn your divorce records, but unfortunately, that won’t actually make any of this, your divorce itself or the version of you that’s left in the aftermath, disappear.

One of the worst byproducts of the end of a marriage (particularly when said ending is messy) is Post Divorce Depression (PDD), but most people don’t like to talk about it. Some women are excited to get out of a marriage that isn’t working anymore, or one that was especially nasty. But for other women, the divorce process having come to an end, they’re led to a new, darker place called Post Divorce Depression.

What is Post Divorce Depression?

PDD is similar to PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) in that the trigger (your Ex, in this case) may be gone, but the trauma and real-life pain remain. But while depression after a divorce is normal, it does not have to be the end of the world. If you’re familiar with the story of how a Phoenix rises from its ashes, then you get the idea.

Now is your chance to be reborn and start with a blank slate again. Yoga can be your new BFF and help you stamp out all the negativity in your life once and for all.

Exercise relieves stress and anxiety

Study after study has shown that exercise can help lower stress and anxiety levels in the body. Do you take regular walks or ride your bike to work? How do you feel afterwards? Chances are you feel energized and ready to conquer the world. Runners call this a “runner’s high,” and all it takes is some form of physical activity to feel it.

But what causes all this euphoria in the first place?

The short answer: Endorphins.

The long answer: The human body releases chemicals called endorphins during exercise. These endorphins play a role in how your brain perceives pain. There’s also a reason why endorphins rhyme with morphine. Both these chemicals trigger a positive feeling in the body, but only one of them is addictive. So think of endorphins as a natural sedative, mood enhancer, and pain reliever rolled into one. All you need now are regular installments of yoga to get all the euphoric benefits of endorphins.

How yoga helps with depression

Yoga can help with more than just the physical aspects of Post Divorce Depression. Sure, practicing yoga involves physical exertion that can release those feel-good chemicals that enhance your mood, but the ancient practice is about a lot more than that.

Here are some of the top reasons why yoga can help with Post Divorce Depression:

  • You’ll learn to be at peace with yourself. It takes mental clarity, focus, and inner peace to perform a yoga pose. Take one of these out of the equation while thinking about your Ex, and you’ll fail at truly moving on, guaranteed. With yoga, you’ll learn NOT to think about certain things anymore.
  • You’ll learn how to manage your anger. A lot of poses elicit feelings of anger and helplessness when you can’t do them. Yoga teaches you deep breathing techniques, allowing you to conquer these feelings.
  • You’ll be healthier. Yoga is equal parts body, mind, and spirit, but the physical part helps you get fit. If you want an activity that is gentle on your knees and can help with joint mobility, yoga is for you. Shed the old you and practice yoga!
  • You’ll combat your loneliness. Much of Post Divorce Depression has something to do with being alone. The camaraderie and friendship of a yoga class can counter feelings of loneliness. Yoga gives you a chance to get out of the house and meet new people.
    You’ll learn to face your fears. Slow yoga poses are fierce and force you to confront your fears of falling and failing. You’ll learn to get over these fears and trust in yourself again. Believing that you can do a crow pose and twist your body way beyond your perceived limits goes a long way in bringing you back from the brink.
  • You start to trust yourself again. It’s that simple. Trust is crucial as we move on after divorce.

Namaste

Getting a divorce can be the toughest thing in the world. But you shouldn’t let it dictate your life going forward—your divorce recovery is about you. Practicing yoga can help you reconnect to your body, your mind, and your spirit. And doing that can help you conquer Post Divorce Depression and feel normal again.

Emily Andrews is the marketing communications specialist at RecordsFinder, an online public records search company. Communications specialist by day and community volunteer at night, she believes in compassion and defending the defenseless.

 

Change the course of your life — AFTER DIVORCE — this October. Spots go quickly

Paloma’s Group™ :: Learning the Art of Reinvention.

For newly independent women, post-divorce. Over the course of (only) 3 months, each group-class ​builds on a core theme required to ​design a life you deserve. Schedule a free 45-minute coaching session to explore (and experience) how this remarkable group of post-divorce women will plan and act on creating a life they love.

We promise — whether you join us for Paloma or not  — you’ll walk away from your complimentary coaching-session discovering a next step in your unique After Divorce journey. 

“We choose not to do it alone.” ~ SAS for Women

 

Divorced woman

Divorced But Not Done: 5 Must-Dos for Staying Positive After Separating

Getting divorced is a painful experience. It can leave you feeling like you’re still drowning under the weight of it long after your “case” has come to a close.

Do you feel like your divorce is over, but you haven’t truly begun to move on? This is common for many newly divorced women. But there comes a certain point when you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start your life over.

Starting anew after watching the life you had planned crumble to bits take a lot of effort on your part. This is especially true if you were not the one who wanted the marriage to end.

When it comes to knowing how to be or what to do after getting divorced, your attitude is everything.

Here are 5 important pieces of divorce advice about staying positive and looking forward instead of lingering on your pain.

1. Allow yourself time to grieve

After enduring a traumatic incident, such as the chilling process of divorce, many new singles make it their mission to move up and onward. This is a great goal to have, but don’t underestimate the grieving process.

Even if you don’t want to spend another minute thinking about your Ex, it’s still important to grieve your relationship with him*. Doing so will help you move on with your life.


Read 46 Steps to Ensure Your Divorce Recovery: A Definition and a Guide


Think of the good times you had with your Ex-husband and go over all of the things you are going to miss. Then move on to the emotions and memories that are leaving you feeling bitter, sad, or resentful. These memories may be hard to relive, but you cannot move on from your divorce until you have learned to process it and let go of the past.

Once you have let the past go, you can look back with only the positive lessons you learned as you work toward new goals in your life.

2. Plan something fun

Going through a separation or trial divorce is one of the most emotionally exhausting experiences any person can ever go through. There is so much waiting, fighting, finances spent, and emotions drained during this process.

Now that it’s over, it’s time to look forward to something positive for a change.

One great piece of divorce advice for creating a positive mindset is to start making plans. These can be big life plans or social engagements, so long as the result is that you have something to look forward to and can have fun. Some examples include:

  • Rent a house in a new neighborhood
  • Move to a new city
  • Travel solo
  • Get a new job
  • Go back to school
  • Volunteer with an organization whose mission turns you on!
  • Move up the ranks in your current place of employment
  • Travel with friends, family, or another divorced woman
  • Learn how to play an instrument/speak another language
  • Commit to doing something fun each week like attending live shows, making dinner dates, or joining a walking group each weekend

Whatever your dreams are, don’t hold back. Now is the time to make goals for yourself and pursue them with all of your heart.

3. Build an amazing support system

One solid piece of divorce advice that you should follow is to have a support system in place.

Don’t be too proud to ask for help. Your friends and family may know that you are Wonder Woman, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need a shoulder to lean on every once in a while.

Your friends and family love you. Let them help you get through this difficult period in your life.

Not only will they be there for socializing, venting, and support with moving or other life changes, but research shows that receiving support from friends and family during a distressing life event (such as a divorce) can significantly lower psychological distress.

4. Start focusing on yourself

Do you even remember the person you were before you got married? What was that girl like? Who did she aspire to be and how much of her has gotten lost along the way?

One way you can stay positive after your divorce is by focusing on yourself for a change.

Odds are during your marriage you were fixated on either working, taking care of your partner’s needs, or raising children. But when was the last time you focused on your own desires?

Now is the time for you to take back control of your own life.

Start making exciting goals that you can work toward. Take classes, plan fun outings with friends, pick up old hobbies that used to bring you joy or make new ones. These are the things that will make you happy and remind you who you really are deep down.

5.  Start taking care of yourself

Your personal health is a big part of staying positive after a divorce.

Exercise multiple times a week. Doctor’s recommend getting at least thirty minutes of exercise daily to maintain personal health and proper weight. Not only will getting active keep you feeling healthy, but it will also boost your confidence and release feel-good endorphins.

Keep the positivity flowing by eating better. Start cooking at home more often, and stay away from processed foods that can make you feel bloated or depressed.

Mindful meditation is another great way to promote positivity and self-care in your life. Studies show that meditation has been proven to reduce stress, boost your mood, and reduce anxiety-related behaviors, such as panic attacks.

When you practice mindful meditation, you focus on what’s really going on in your life without judgment or anger. You simply process the emotions and then learn to let them go.

The best post-divorce advice you could ever follow is to focus on self-care.

Practice positive meditations, and take control of your mindset. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family for support during this trying time, and focus on your personal hobbies and health. The more you center your thoughts on the positive aspects of your life, the happier you will be.

 

Sylvia Smith a writer currently associated with Marriage.com, is a big believer in living consciously and encourages people to adopt its principles in their relationships. By taking purposeful and intentional action, Sylvia feels any relationship or marriage can be transformed and truly enjoyed.

*At SAS for Women, we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

get over my ex

14 Ways I’m Going to Get Over My Ex!

What makes a post-divorce break up different than a divorce? Listen in as one divorced woman talks about how she’s going to get over her (latest) Ex…

Dear Jack,

I’m going to tell you everything I think about you, felt for you, and feel for you. I am going to EXPLODE!

And cry.

And you’re never going to know.

In fact, I’m going to record myself so I can evaluate this whole thing later—this whole thing being you, me, and what was us. But for now, I need a witness. A listener. And it can’t be you anymore.

I’m going to walk around a piece of paper I’ve placed on a table, and depending on how I feel at different moments, I’m going to attack it—with bitterness, outbursts, and wet fingers from swiping away tears.

I am scribbling things like …

Rejected! LIVID! HOWLING at the moon!

MISSING you.

I am FEELING old.

Why did you let this go on for so long?

Why are you such a coward?

I surprise myself at my depth of raw hurt. It’s clear I unequivocally love you, loved you, yes, love you even now. Because look at me and what I am reduced to.

When my paper is looking more Jackson Pollack than diary entry, I step back and wait — to let it catch more. Because there will be more, I know — waves of rollercoaster shock and grief for what you’ve done. And for me, for being in this place. For feeling this pain. The anguish of what is right now.

And then?

I’m going to put my dark, smeared masterpiece in an envelope.

I am not going to mail you this testament, this letter, because it would be lost on you. I am going to put it on a far shelf in a cellar closet. Not forgotten, mind you, but contained. I’ve learned I need to work you and what this story really means out more, and when I have, when I am ready, I’ll pull out this hidden envelope. In sacrament or something else, I’ll burn it. Or bury it. Or maybe post it to a wall of cork and throw darts at it.

(It’s got to be cork. I won’t want to damage the wall behind the letter, because that would be permanent.)

As a divorced woman who has survived before, I know I will get over you.

But I also know, I will always love you.

Until I can live in peace with that truth, here is what else I am going to do to get over my Ex. To get over you, my latest heartbreak.

1. I am going to moan and cry

I am going to come to terms with letting you go only after much resistance. So, cry I must.

2. I am going surround myself with girlfriends

My girlfriends remind me of who I am and the rings of fire I’ve already been through. I am going to feel their love and savor their bias. And I am going to laugh and let them say whatever they want to say about you — and NEVER defend you.

3. I am going to block you

I know my weakness, my tendency to obsess over you. There will be no more Facebook peeks or Instagram stalking from me. I won’t allow it. I’m blocking your texts and number. I’ve learned I must treat you like a drug and go cold turkey.

4. One night (or more) I’m going to eat WTF I want

Remember how you’re allergic to shellfish and nuts? Well, I am going out with my besties, and we’re ordering lobster tails with peanut saté followed by gallons of pistachio ice cream.

5. I am going to repeat aloud what I know: I am going to get over you

People break up with each other all the time. I’ve been here before, and so have so many others.

6. I’m going to commit to regular exercise

Exercising will help me feel and look better about myself. Feeling healthier is going to help me bounce back sooner.

7. I am going to get drunk and curse you out

I exercised, but now I’m hanging with my friend who could always drink you under the table and she’s reminding me why she didn’t like you either! How do I get over my Ex? I’ve already forgotten him.


Related: Post Divorce: How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Your Next Relationship


8. I’m going to try to rebalance

Recovering from my hangover is going to remind me how fragile and very precious I actually am. I am going to try to regulate my sleep and eat healthily to support my heart and immune system as they metabolize the pain and vodka.

9. I’m reconnecting with a trusted professional

Something I learned through my past divorce—I will feel better if I don’t just talk about the pain I am going through but actually DO something with these feelings. Taking action is really important. Hello, Divorce Coach, remember me? I’m back but in a different, improved way.

10. I’m going to find a home for your belongings

Granted, you’ve not got a lot of things here (and there’s no 401(k)). But I’ve discovered a special place where your toothbrush is going to live. And it’s not at my house.

11. I may reactivate my online dating profile—and act out!

I say I might—not because I’ve healed—but because I am an independent woman, and I can! It may feel good to hear someone say I have a pretty smile. Or to go out for a drink with someone who thinks I am special; someone who doesn’t see the tire tracks on my back from where I’ve been dumped.

12. I am going to smudge the house

The last time I had to get over my Ex, I hired a professional energy clearer. I’ve since learned I can buy the sage myself from the health food store, and on my own, purify my house of all the (stinking, rotten) heaviness you left. Poof! Gone!

13. I am going to consider what missteps I took in this ill-fated Tango

What was my responsibility in the downfall of our relationship? And what have you taught me? (But only after I’ve exhausted myself being small and blaming you.)

14. I am going to be kind to myself

I know getting over you is going to hurt, and it’s going to require time and steps. I learned that through a much deeper, momentous trip — my divorce recovery. That’s right, sir. You are not my first.

 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the challenging experience of divorce and re-creation. Now you can learn the Art of Reinvention through Paloma’s Group, our virtual, online post-divorce group coaching class for women only. To promote sisterhood and protect confidentiality, space is limited.

* This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.