Posts

8 Reasons I am Grateful for My Divorce This Thanksgiving

8 Reasons I Am Grateful for My Divorce This Thanksgiving (and All Days)

We are emerging from the midterms. The country is either celebrating or cursing, and we the people in our country remain polarized. Some of us are fearful of Thanksgiving and the oncoming holidays. Who will we be seated next to? What will come up in conversation? And how strong will our bandwidth for patience be? Will politics undermine our annual gathering as it did for a lot of us last year? Will the knife slice through the turkey and right through to the table, frustrating, infuriating, devastating us again as the political and cultural war divides us not only on a map, but also inside our homes?

I spoke to a client this week, I’ll call “Phoebe.” Phoebe, who is divorced after decades in a stagnant marriage, told me she was worried, because she’d been invited by her son and his new wife for Thanksgiving. She was excited, but especially worried. She and her son had been at a standoff for too long, not talking, and it had been a source of deep anguish for Phoebe, a mother who loves her son. Suddenly, her son (perhaps encouraged by his new wife) was extending an olive branch after two years, and asking his mother to come to their house and to join them and his wife’s family for Thanksgiving.

Phoebe is worried because she’s met her daughter in law’s family briefly not long ago. But what’s more, she’s seen their Facebook postings and, politically speaking, her daughter-in-law and her family are polar opposites of Phoebe. Phoebe is unnerved and alternately outraged. What has her son married into? …What will the father-in-law say? He’s an advocate for the NRA … There’s his postings about immigration issues ….

Just telling me what she’d seen online stoked Phoebe more. Phoebe is Jewish, and the recent, horrific killing of 11 people in the Tree of Life Synagogue in Pittsburgh followed by the menacing shout of “Heil Hitler! Heil Trump!” in a Baltimore theater not long after have heightened Phoebe’s fear about rising anti-Semitism—and all isms, because she is a thinking woman.

She is also an ecumenical minister, so as much as she was starting to go there — that is open up and be raw, allowing her dark feelings to run … in a moment’s time, too, she stopped. And then …

She told herself aloud, that her mantra going into this loaded home and situation would be to just be grateful.

And if she were challenged, if something insidious was said, she would try to redirect the conversation to show that we are more than this hatred.

We each are more than this hatred.

Phoebe and I talked more, sharing how we both believe a leader will emerge who will help us, someone who will help us forge the divide. But until our next Martin Luther King Jr. arrives, we have only ourselves.

It’s on each of us.

In the spirit of the holidays and the challenges we face, here are eight reasons I am grateful for my divorce this Thanksgiving and all days.

1.  I can totally disregard all comments if I choose

I am a divorced, independent woman after all. I didn’t go through all of this only to let others bring me down again.

2.  And as a divorced, independent woman, I am grateful I can choose how I want to spend Thanksgiving and how I want to show up

Well, that’s not entirely true. I’d like to host a Walton’s Thanksgiving, on a long pine table in a room warmed by a fireplace and invite every single person I love. Every single person who’s showed me kindness, who’s showed me I was worthy in this new chapter of my life.

I’d also like to be with both my daughters, but my eldest has just moved to San Francisco and started a new job, so this year the Waltons are not in the cards. My youngest daughter and our friends will go for a hike and then have Thanksgiving dinner at a little French restaurant across the river—but I came up with the plan. I do believe in putting some effort in for the holidays. I do believe in making a plan!

3.  I don’t have to cook all day to make sure it’s the consummate experience for everyone

Not this Thanksgiving, or ever. I am not on the hook for producing dinners or meals regularly in the rest of my life. I did it. I did it well. And now I am moving on. I am grateful for that.

It’s never the table or warmth or setting or food (though, it helps) that ultimately determines the high I get from gathering around the table anyway. It’s the people, and beyond the people, it’s the joy. I endeavor to remember that joy is always there for us, if we remember where it lives in our bodies and connect to it and be still.

4.  I am grateful for having discovered me

I never would have where I was. Thus, every day is Thanksgiving.

5.  I am grateful for losing many poisonous relationships

One sheds many scales and skins going through a breakup and divorce recovery. It’s a painful but liberating process.

6.  I am grateful for all the people who came flooding into my life

As a result of the shedding!

I’ve always been lucky with good people in my life, but since stepping out of my box, I’ve met such exciting, smart, and deep people. Wonderful men and wonderful women who connect with me sometimes because I am unaccompanied, because I am unguarded. (And then, of course, there’s OkCupid.)

Learning how to converse helps. Just as learning how to converse this Thanksgiving may be very helpful for a lot of us. I recommend this piece on smart and sensitive conversations not only for social gathering but also for honing good dating skills.

7.  I can recognize flaws and vices in myself

More importantly, I can keep forgiving myself for them and keep trying. I’ve shown myself before that I CAN change things.  I am grateful for that.

8.  I am grateful that I have learned about the life-giving force of gratitude

Gratitude and the word “grace” come from the same Latin word “gratus.” When we feel gratitude, our hearts and bodies soften, and we’re able to be with the world and ourselves more fully. We feel an interconnectedness and flow. And that too is joy.

At SAS for Women, we are grateful for each and every one of you reading and endeavoring to shift your experiences. We wish you pure, distilled joy this Thanksgiving and the upcoming holidays. Remember, for each day and its tradition, make a plan that may become a new tradition for you and those you love.

 

Whether you are considering a divorce, navigating it, or already rebuilding after the overwhelming experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and reinvention. SAS offers all women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future self.

“Divorce can be on your terms.” – SAS for Women

How to recover from a divorce break up if you feel abandoned.

Divorce: How to Get Over a Breakup When You Feel Abandoned

Often when you are reading about divorce and the woman’s perspective, many stories assume that the woman was unhappy and that she was the one who left the marriage. The research supports this, that women initiate divorce more often than men. And at SAS, we certainly work with women who feel and act on this. But let’s not hide the fact that for many other women, you’re not the one who wanted the divorce. You did not initiate this.

  • You might have been thinking it, but he acted first.
  • Or you knew things weren’t great, but you never thought it would come to this.
  • Or, you’ve been blindsided.

In any of these scenarios, but especially the last two, you don’t feel so empowered.

You feel betrayed, left, rejected, abandoned. This is a traumatic experience. When your husband*, the man you committed your life to, is doing the abandoning, the feelings welling up inside you may seem insurmountable. But they are surmountable. You need to hear this, you can heal.  But it’s not going happen today. It will be a process. Right now, you need perspective, support, and to know that you are not alone. There are women who’ve experienced this trauma, too, and know what you are feeling. These women want you to know your healing process will not look the same as that of women who left their husbands. In this piece, we’ll discuss how to get over such a trauma, a breakup of epic weight. Your marriage.

Let’s begin by saying you may find yourself unsure of how to start, how to move forward in your now (or soon to be) independent life. How can you forget about him? How can you begin again? How can you trust again? Are you worthy of being loved?  Being abandoned or rejected would suggest you are not. This truth seems to cut to the heart of your being.

Dealing with the aftermath, the grief

Some people think of grief as a process connected only to death, but it’s a natural reaction to loss of any kind. Grief is what happens when the familiar is broken, when we reach out for someone only to find their essence gone.  They are absent. When we’ve been abandoned by someone we love, all of our feelings—abandoned, angry, betrayed, struck, shocked, sad—tend to converge and ebb and flow in a wave of emotions we desperately attempt to pick through and make sense of.

You must be with these emotions.  You must let them ebb and flow. They exist for good reason. You need to pick through, process, and give meaning to them. You must mourn.

When your husband said “I want a divorce,” the first wave hit. You might have felt, or continue to feel shock. You might feel numb. You might not be able to sleep through the night, or remember the last time you were hungry. You might think you didn’t hear him right. He was talking about the neighbors, they’re getting a divorce. It can’t be you. Doesn’t make sense, what do you know about the world, if you don’t even know the man you’ve committed your life to? Yesterday, you felt safe. Today, your legs just got kicked out from underneath you.

The thing about grief is that you might also feel none of these things. There is nothing about grief that is universal.

What we do know is that unresolved grief is real, tragic, and avoidable.

Refusing to explore those questions—Who can I trust? Am I worthy? Why do I feel like my right arm was just cut off?—by believing that time will heal all your wounds will not serve you.

When you don’t process your grief, you simply make it a part of your story. This results in your building walls between yourself and the rest of the world in an effort to protect you from ever being hurt again. This stunts you. You prevent yourself from experiencing anything deep and meaningful, even happiness.

Figuring out how to get over a breakup is different for every woman

Even if you understand rationally that you must metabolize your grief—the future can still seem lonely and it can be difficult to find direction and especially, to find yourself after divorce. Especially because, people don’t understand you. They want the best for you. They say things like, “You’re so much better off without HIM! Now get yourself out there, Girl, and have some fun! Meet some good guys who are going to appreciate you.”

And you have no interest.  No interest of any sort because you’re still spinning from the shock and trauma of being left.  The divorce document may be signed, or because of your pain, it’s hard for you to focus (so the divorce is actually being drawn out). But this grief you are feeling is nonlinear. Maybe you still love him.

First and foremost, you must give yourself time to grieve and to complete your grieving. There are steps to your divorce recovery, which will help you clear your path after heartbreak, but understand everyone’s timeline is different. You might feel ready to go out to social events like you used to as a couple in three months or six months or two years time. You may decide you will never do anything like you used to, and this includes those kind of social events you and your Ex went to. You may or may not ever wish to date again either.

Whatever amount of time you feel is right should be the amount of time you allow yourself to do what you want to do.

Putting yourself first

You begin by putting yourself first. You must recover YOU. When you were in your marriage, your “I” and “me” become “us” and “we.” For so long, Friday nights weren’t for you but about spending time with the family or going out or staying in with your partner. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself “What do I want to do?” and then go do it. It’s really that simple. And that hard.

Think about things you’ve always wanted to do, like go on a retreat, volunteer somewhere, or take a painting class. Can you even remember what used to turn you on? You can, if you give yourself the time to think about what still excites you, what calls you, what opens your eyes?

Sometimes it’s hard to get started, and at first, you might feel selfish about “finding yourself.” But this is your job now. By pursuing your own wants and interests it’s not about abandoning your family, or responsibilities, or habits—it’s about taking stock of one’s life now. What activities, people, behaviors no longer serve you? What new things, goals, and endeavors are calling you to explore and follow through with?

Discover yourself more by getting outside yourself

Finding yourself means looking for yourself and looking at yourself in different ways. Resilience studies show that people are more resilient—they recover from traumatic events more effectively than others—when they have strong support networks of people to help them cope with crisis. So surround yourself with those who love and care for you.

However, you can achieve an even bigger boost of resilience by offering support to others.

This sounds counter-intuitive, like the last thing you’d want to do when you are feeling tapped out and kicked to the curb. But any way you can reach out and help other people is a way of moving outside yourself and your story.  This gives you perspective and cultivates your sense of empathy and connectedness with others. It helps you feel meaningful and purposeful. This does not necessarily mean volunteering for two years with the Peace Corps but aligning yourself with a mission outside your own personal trauma. The mission must have meaning to you and make you want to push through adversity on its behalf. 

The importance of finding support

If you feel like you need help, though, ask for it. Surviving loneliness after divorce can be a constant battle. Certain friends or family members, specific types of divorce groups, and professionals who understand the process like therapists and divorce coaches can help you heal. It’s okay to cry or wallow for a while. Maybe your Ex isn’t worth your tears, but the loss of the marriage, the magnitude of that shared identity, the comfortable life style you enjoyed, is what the pain is about. Maybe you need to mourn the fantasy that was your marriage or the time you invested in it trying to make it work. If you feel like you’re in pain, let yourself be with the pain in a safe place. Just don’t get lost in your pain and suffering and start looking for an easy way out—ask for help navigating your way through it.

Support can be especially important if you are navigating divorce—the legal and financial process—at the same time you are flooded with emotions of denial or rejection. Hitting pause to heal may not be possible for you right now. And that’s okay, because after the document is negotiated, you will be better positioned to focus on yourself. That is really the best time to come to terms with your emotional loss.

During divorce

If the divorce is happening now, you must get your game face on and consider the negotiation (as much as possible) as a business transaction. You cannot afford to be make legal and financial decisions from your wounded heart or from your sense of injustice (you never saw this coming, damnit! He should pay! He’s been living a double life fooling around with this other woman?) Why? Because looking for justice for your broken heart is never going to happen legally. And it will definitely cost you more—more money, more time, and, especially, more pain.

Divorce coaches can help you understand what to do with your heart as you face the black and white logistics of divorce. They understand the emotions and what you must do with them. They may even help you learn to rehabilitate and reframe those feelings we most often associate with shame, anger or weakness.

After divorce

Time can help with the wounds, but time alone will not heal them. You must do something. Take time to understand what you are healing from and to really be with those feelings. After you go through the grieving process, which is part of the healing process, a lot of those initial feelings that came with being dumped—abandonment, betrayal, rejection and feeling like you can never love again—will fade and be replaced with a newfound sense of who you are: independent and resilient.

Let’s not forget you are human. You may be scarred, but those scars will be less fragile and new—your skin will be thicker and tougher—as you move into the next chapter in your life. Those scars will talk of living, loving, recovering, and recreating.

There is no magic formula to help you recover from a breakup as momentous as divorce…But if you take time to understand what the journey of divorce really looks like and what you must do to legally protect yourself, you will give yourself the space and time to lean into your emotions and to learn what this story of loss means for you. You will reclaim you. You will heal.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, practical and oft times complicated experience of divorce and reinvention. If you are looking for perspective, validation, and healthy next steps, we invite you to schedule your free 45-minute, private consultation with SAS. Whether you work further with us or not, we promise you’ll learn a resource or two as you begin clearing the debris and perceiving what else is genuinely possible. 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

Divorce and depression

Divorce and Depression: What to Look for and How to Cope

Divorce and depression are inseparable for almost everyone. The ending of—or even the thought of ending—your marriage is incredibly sad because it’s the death of your dreams of being happy together and basking in the love you thought you had found.

But depression caused by divorce is not the same as what we commonly think of as depression. It even has a different name. It’s called situational depression.

Situational depression is typically short-term and a stress response to a specific event or situation. Relationship problems are some of the most common causes, so it’s easy to understand how divorce and depression go hand in hand.

Another thing to keep in mind is that situational depression differs from other types of depression in that it’s never just biologically or psychologically based. There is a specific event or situation at the root of those feelings.

But knowing the technical difference between divorce-induced situational depression and other types of depression doesn’t really change the realities of either. For most people, the experience of situational depression and other types are indistinguishable from one another.

Take a look at some of the more common symptoms of situational depression:

  • Sadness
  • Hopelessness
  • Inability to enjoy normal activities
  • Crying
  • Consistently feeling stressed out or worried
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Loss of appetite
  • Difficulty focusing
  • Trouble doing daily activities
  • Feeling overwhelmed
  • Avoiding social interactions
  • Ignoring important matters like paying bills or going to work
  • Suicidal thoughts or attempts

There’s nothing in this list that is exclusive to situational depression and not to other types of depression.

But there’s one thing that’s very important to remember when you’re dealing with divorce and depression: situational depression is the result of a specific event or stress, and that means you can do something about it.

Before jumping into what you can do though, it’s also important to recognize how depression might be affecting you while you’re on your divorce journey—because it can be so easy to ignore the symptoms or chalk them up to something (or, someone) else.

Thinking about Divorce

Even before you start thinking about divorce as a solution to your marital problems, you could be struggling with situational depression.

You might have trouble connecting with or even wanting to connect with your spouse. You might constantly feel stressed out or worried. And you might be forgetting things that you normally wouldn’t. This is often how situational depression first appears when you’re having relationship troubles.

Coping with Divorce

If you’re coping with divorce, it can be fairly easy to identify your symptoms of depression from the list above. However, the symptom that is the most frightening to experience is thoughts of suicide.

For most people dealing with divorce and depression, thoughts of suicide are way outside of their normal experience. It’s easy to jump to the conclusion that something must be very wrong if you’re having thoughts like this.

What I want you to know is that these thoughts are very common. If you can easily recognize them as thoughts that you’d never act on, then there’s nothing more to do. However, if thoughts of suicide become more persistent or you start making plans, then you need to reach out for support immediately or call 911.

There’s absolutely no reason for you to struggle with divorce and depression on your own.

Recreating after Divorce

One of the surprising times people can still struggle with divorce and depression is when they’re recreating after divorce. Even in the midst of creating a life you love, you can still struggle with situational depression.  And if you are someone who never wanted the divorce to begin with, your recovery after divorce can be especially painful.

You might be triggered by hearing a certain song. You might experience waves of sadness and difficulty when the date of your anniversary rolls around. This is all a normal part of the healing journey.

How to Deal with Divorce and Depression

Regardless of where you are on your divorce journey, there are things you can do to ease the pain and struggle of your situational depression.

Here are a few suggestions for you to consider:

Exercise regularly

Exercise doesn’t have to mean hitting the gym or a yoga studio. It can be as simple as going for a walk or dancing to your favorite song. Exercise is about moving your entire body in ways that you normally wouldn’t.

Exercise helps with situational depression because it puts your focus and attention on your body. When you’re focused on keeping your balance, lifting weights, or just putting one foot in front of the other, you’re not dwelling on your pain. When you have a respite from your depression, you will find it easier to deal with the challenges of your life as you process your thoughts about and experience of divorce.

Get more rest, relaxation, and sleep

Believe it or not, it takes a lot of energy to deal with divorce and depression. Yet many people believe that the way to get through it all is by staying active and “putting their life back together.”

If this is you, then allowing yourself time to rest, relax, and sleep will help you pause and replenish your energy. Don’t use the time to dwell on the pain you’re experiencing or as an excuse to not move your body. Rest, relaxation, and sleep are about replenishing your energy, so you can move through the depression and on to making the decisions you need to make and living your life.

Eat healthy snacks and meals

Ever heard of the divorce diet? It’s common for people to lose their appetite when they’re coping with divorce and depression.

Although it’s easy to turn to junk food because it’s convenient and tasty, your best bet for helping yourself heal is to focus on eating healthy snacks and meals. When you make healthy choices, you’re providing your body with the food it needs to function well.

Talk with your doctor about medication

If your symptoms are getting in the way of you taking care of your everyday responsibilities and activities, you should talk with your doctor. She can prescribe medication to help you cope with your divorce journey.

Reach out for help

You don’t have to go through your divorce journey alone. There are plenty of people who are able and willing to help you put the pieces of your life together in a way that makes the most sense for you. Of course, these people include your family and friends. But they also include helping professionals like therapists and divorce coaches.

Consider reading: “How to Get Through a Divorce and Heal: The Surprising X Factor of a Divorce Coach”

Remember, reaching out for help isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of tremendous strength because you know what you need the most and you’re willing to bravely look for help.

Divorce and depression are inseparable for nearly everyone. That’s because relationship problems are often the cause of situational depression.

But that doesn’t mean there isn’t something you can do about it. You can cope with the depression you feel by accepting it and then acting … doing some fairly simple things and securing the help you need.

 

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while navigating the divorce experience and striving to recover and rebuild. SAS offers women six FREE months of private email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future self.

“Step forth. It’s okay if you fall. Life — your life — is calling you.” SAS Cofounder, Liza Caldwell

 

35 divorce books on divorce for your head and heart

35 Best Books on Divorce: How to Think Smart and Protect Your Heart

Are you in that awful place of looking to teach yourself about divorce? Do you want to help your children with the gut-wrenching issue? Or have you a friend who is going through an especially grueling break up and you’d like to support her/him with several books on divorce, speaking to their specific circumstances? Your instincts are good. Divorce is hard to understand and get a handle on, mostly because it’s not just one thing happening, but an ongoing process of things to navigate, consider, decide about, and heal from. Depending on who you are and what stage of divorce you or your friend is going through, divorce can impact a person in many different ways. And while divorce coaching and support groups can be empowering and healing mechanisms, sometimes the privacy of reading books is a more comfortable start. Thank goodness we live in this modern age, where now more than ever, there exists extensive guides, workbooks and how-to books on divorce and especially, divorce recovery.

That said, how do you choose the right books on divorce? It’s not like the subject is pleasure reading, or as if you had all the time in the world.

That’s where we come in. Throughout the course of our divorce coaching practice, we’ve often been asked if we can recommend “the right book.” So below is our list of the best books on divorce.

Whether you’re an avid reader, a loving parent, a thoughtful friend, a gung-ho problem solver, or someone looking for help with a specific aspect to divorce (splitting from a narcissist, perhaps?), you’ll find our seasoned recommendations for the best books on divorce below. Among all of them, you’ll find an emphasis on navigating your divorce not only smartly, but healthily. And if you are looking to be distracted from your situation and inspired by heroines who suffered and survived, we’ve got you covered there, too. We want you to know the right books for inspiration and distraction; for it is our wish you will find something that points to hope in your story, too.

Beginning the Process of Divorce

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/71jncarvagL.jpg 1. Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum. Should you try to save your marriage or is it un-saveable? From the inside, it can be really hard to tell. Kirshenbaum’s book helps you ask questions of yourself so you come to understand and navigate which sins are forgivable and which ones are deadly. This book, a new “classic” is highly recommended by SAS for Women for those who keep asking themselves what’s the criteria for staying or to go?

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/514u5MgMSfL.jpg 2. Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. Are you having problems making sense of the chaos that is your marriage? Do you feel manipulated, controlled, lied to, or the focus of intense, violent, and/or irrational rages by your partner? Your partner may have borderline personality disorder and the decision to live with or leave that relationship can be even more complex than others’ experience. This book, highly recommended by SAS for Women, is important for those confused by their “reality.”

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41RyV-G0PnL._SX322_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg 3. Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Ever After by Katherine Woodward Thomas. No matter what the reason behind your divorce, moving on can be difficult. In this step-by-step guide, Katherine aids her readers in finding peace through five steps. SAS for Women loves this book for it giving you permission to reframe divorce on your terms. You can break up in a more meaningful, thoughtful and compassionate way.

 

Using Your Head While You Divorce

Divorce Made Simple: The Ultimate Guide by a Former Family Judge by [Schoonover, Linda] 4. Divorce Made Simple: The Ultimate Guide by a Former Family Judge by Linda Schoonover. Emotions run high during divorces; it’s a natural thing. Schoonover, a former judge, helps you keep your head grounded in the process with thoughtful, rational, and easy to follow guides that tackle questions on divorce: from how to prepare for a temporary hearing without an attorney to how to choose between mediation or collaborative divorce.

 

Divorce: Taking the High Road: Simple Strategies for Creating a Healthy Divorce by [Cooper, Pegotty, Mishkin,Kimberly, Wilson Gould,Kira, Levey,Marc, Reeves,Glenys, Burton-Cluxton,Lori, McNally,Lisa, Dykes,Pamela, Callahan, Tracy, Marhan Dropkin,Marie, Chacon,Kurt] 5. Divorce: Taking the High Road: Simple Strategies for Creating a Healthy Divorce by Peggy Cooper with a contributing chapter from SAS Cofounder Kimberly Mishkin. Sometimes taking your emotions into consideration is exactly THE smart thing to do. In this book, taking care of your emotional well-being comes first, because divorce is an emotional and costly experience that can have repercussions not only on your fiscal future but your emotional future as well.

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41tgjd9DjeL._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg 6. The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Divorce: A Therapist and a Lawyer Guide You through Your Divorce Journey by Dr. Jill Murray and Adam Dodge Esq. This compassionate divorce book is written by two experts from different fields—psychology and law. From helping your children cope and strategies for successful coparenting to tips and tricks to help you with obstacles in the courtroom, this book touches on every aspect of divorce and gives you a way to navigate through them.

 

The Financially Smart Divorce: Three Steps To Your Ideal Settlement and Financial Security in Your New Life! by [Licciardello, J A] 7. The Financially Smart Divorce: Three Steps to Your Ideal Settlement and Financial Security in Your New Life! by J.A. Licciardello. Divorce is hard enough but splitting assets and negotiating a settlement can be especially difficult. You’re not just letting go of who you thought would be your life partner, but you’re now negotiating for your present and future finances once that split is over. This book can help you keep your finances in mind, even when you have a heavy heart.

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/416P5C5ndbL._SX334_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg8. BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns by Bill Eddy. Divorce is hard enough without having to deal with social media, emails, text messages, tweets, DMs, etc. We live in an age of technology where, when one soon-to-be-former partner is frustrated, there’s a plethora of social media and digital means of communication for them to harangue, harass and embarrass you. If you’re dealing with that, this book is for you!

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51JB90CDQEL._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg9. Onward and Upward: Guide for Getting Through New York Divorce & Family Law Issues by Cari B. Rincker, Esq., SAS for Women, and additional divorce pro’s. This is a comprehensive divorce and family law book that is truly one-of-a-kind. It offers the perspectives of attorneys and important professionals like SAS divorce coaches Liza Caldwell and Kimberly Mishkin as they discuss a myriad of family and matrimonial law topics, including how to divorce, what the legal process looks like,  custody issues and how to avoid court.

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51QiRlkhxdL._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg10. Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield by Tina Swithin. Divorce is hard enough without having to deal with a person with narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissists are, by virtue of their diagnosis, especially good at manipulation and projection. If you find yourself facing or engaged in the battleground of divorce with a narcissist, this book will help you stay prepared and steady.

 

Caring For Your Heart

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51ZzCmz3WtL._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg11. Getting past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott. Focusing on the hurt and loss in your life can leave you drained and unready to move on. But Susan’s book gives you a step-by-step guide on what to do after your divorce to start you on your journey of healing: from putting up boundaries between you and your Ex to focusing on yourself rather than your loss.

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51MzAZ5Lz5L._SX328_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg12. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Dr. Brené Brown. Being vulnerable is seen as a weakness, but Dr. Brown uses this book to illustrate that vulnerability is anything but weakness. Vulnerability is one of our core emotions, like love, joy, fear, etc., and when we expose our vulnerability, we are actually showing courage and can find empowerment through it.  This book is highly recommended by SAS for Women.

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/91oqnZRdz5L.jpg 13. This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe. When you love someone deeply, even when divorce is the right thing to do, it’s hard to let go. This collection of essays is a fantastic tool for living with your feelings and understanding that love sometimes isn’t enough, even when we want it to be.

 
 
 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41WIbflfG2L._SX323_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg 14. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Sometimes the pain you are feeling really is only in your mind—you suffer because you think you are suffering. If you want to challenge logical pain and find joy, happiness, and love, look no further than within this book and within your heart. Through learning to embrace your day-to-day life and living within the present, the pain in your head will slowly fade away and will be replaced by a connection to our “indestructible essence” within.  Highly recommended by SAS for Women.

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41LrftXWyrL._SX322_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg15. Grieving the Loss of Love: How to Embrace Grief to Find True Hope and Healing after a Divorce, Breakup, or Death by Dr. Eleora Han. Grief is a very real emotion—one you’ll more likely be feeling after your divorce or the loss of a major relationship in your life. But grief doesn’t need to be a bad or negative emotion, and Dr. Han offers readers a path to recovery from grief that includes embracing the feeling of grief and loss and directing it in healthy, life-changing ways.

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51TS0mIIqbL._SX304_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg16. When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödrön. When your world feels like it is crumbling around you, it’s hard to carry on and live through the pain, anxiety, and fear. In this book, Chödrön illustrates that the path forward isn’t through our heads, but through our hearts. Through Buddhist wisdom, Chödrön gives her readers the right tools to navigating troubling times within their lives.

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51dZiYV4emL._SX319_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg 17. You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. Author Hay believes that we are responsible for all the joy and all the pain we experience in our lives. When pain starts to outweigh your joy, this book has first-hand experiences to help you heal, internally, and to overcome the obstacles, externally, that take you away from your ability to live life to its fullest.

 

 

Helping Your Children

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51YdVutKtlL._SX326_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg18. Talking to Children About Divorce by Jean McBride. McBride, a family therapist with over 25 years of practice, has helped many children going through their parent’s divorce. In this book, McBride offers the tools and encouragement needed to help your children deal with your divorce. This book will empower you to have emotionally honest and open conversations with your children and will help ensure your child’s emotional wellbeing. Highly recommended by SAS for Women.

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51A%2BiUP1tZL._SX322_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg19. Co-Parenting Works by Tammy G. Daughtry. Imagining your children’s life after divorce never brings up happy images—but, there is a way to navigate a seemingly impossible situation. Through your children, you and your Ex are forever linked and building a strong coparenting relationship not only benefits you but helps your children lead a healthy, happy life post-divorce.

 
 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/513yoFu4awL._SX398_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg20. Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman and Patricia Romanowski. Divorce can be especially rough on children, but this book is designed to help you help your children cope. This book includes tips from building a coparenting relationship that benefits your children and age-appropriate scripts for addressing sensitive issues, down to what to say and do when one parent moves away.

 

It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce (Lansky, Vicki) by [Lansky, Vicki]21. It’s Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During Divorce by Vicki Lansky. If you have younger children, it can be especially difficult to communicate what a divorce is, why you are going through it, and, most importantly, how it is not their fault. This book, a classic, specifically designed for younger children, can help them come to terms in an age-appropriate way with what’s happening during a divorce.

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51fQwgijgdL._SY457_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg22. Two Homes by Claire Masurel and Kady MacDonald Denton. In preparation for your divorce and future as a coparent, this book is fantastic at illustrating what living in two households is like for a young child. This book helps younger children understand that no house is a part-time house but two loving homes for them to be a part of.

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51mRRWPhJbL._SX398_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg23. Family Changes: Explaining Divorce to Children by Dr. Azmaira H. Maker and Polona Lovsin. This multi-award-winning book isn’t for you but for you to read to your younger children. This beautifully illustrated children’s book helps children grasp the changes that are about to come about in their life and that change isn’t something to be afraid of. This book is designed to help ease a child through a difficult time in their life.

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51a1qqGqdHL._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg24. Divorce Is Not the End of the World: Zoe’s and Evan’s Coping Guide for Kids by Zoe Stern and Evan Stern. This upbeat book is by two children of divorce, Zoe and Evan, whose parents divorced when they were 15 and 13 years old. Instead of turning that experience into something negative, the siblings worked together to create this book to help other children of divorce handle the situation in a positive way. With the help of their mother, the teens tackled topics from anger, guilt, fear, and adjusting to two different households.

 

For Yourself

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51nruTM3RfL._SX311_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg25. The Awakening by Cate Chopin. Discontented, Edna Pontellier lives in New Orleans with her husband and two sons. While on vacation with her family, Edna falls in love with a mysterious man who is not her husband. When she returns home, she misses him deeply and when her husband goes away on a business trip, things will never be the same for Edna again.

 
 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51Nr1ldFFRL._SX323_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg26. How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed: A Memoir of Starting Over by Theo Pauline Nestor. This honest memoir is Theo’s story of kicking her husband out for his gambling problem and dealing with being alone with two young daughters. Formerly a stay-at-home mom, Theo not only has to figure out how to provide for her now husbandless family but also how to rebuild and move forward in her own life.

 
 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51BIxac7uFL._SX318_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg27. Evening by Susan Minot. Known as a daring exploration of time and memory, Minot’s novel will whisk you away into the life of Ann Grant. At 65, Ann is experiencing illness which brings her in and out of lucidity. Throughout the novel, Ann slips into memories of the past from her first time falling in love at the age of 25 and through her three marriages and five children.

 
 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51-pvNep7bL._SX310_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg28. The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton. Winner of the Pulitzer Prize in 1920, this novel not only captivates with a love triangle, a rebellion, and a smothering dose of tradition but also transports you to 1920s high society through the characters of Newland Archer, Mary Welland, and Countess Ellen Olenska. Forced to choose between obligation brought about through tradition or love, Archer, engaged to Mary and in love with Ellen, must navigate a world of social pitfalls and taboo to see if he can have both love and marriage, or forever being denied passion.

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41pqc%2BDV-qL._SX324_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg29. Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India, and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert. This new classic is a classic for a reason—it’s just plain old good. Wrap your head and your heart around Elizabeth’s journey across Europe and Asia to find herself after divorce. This book will not only captivate you as Elizabeth tries to find herself and her happiness but will make you hungry. Be sure to order yourself a pizza, pour yourself a glass of wine, and wear your comfortable sweatpants while reading.

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51Rqbzlu8VL._SX327_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg30. Falling Apart in One Piece: One Optimist’s Journey Through the Hell of Divorce by Stacy Morrison. Never believing in fairy tales nor happy endings, Morrison grew up with the idea that hard work and ambition would be her path to a happy life. But her world view was challenged when she realized that no amount of work could save her marriage. This book is Morrison’s lightly humorous journey through divorce and learning how to love again, how to forgive, and how to live through a divorce.

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41BGrvQV%2BTL._SX324_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg31. Heartburn by Nora Ephron. Life seemed perfect for Rachel Samstat. She loved her husband dearly and she was about to have a child with him, but, while she was seven months pregnant, Rachel discovers her husband Mark has been cheating on her. Therapy comes in all forms, and in this novel, Rachel turns to cooking and writing recipes to cope with Mark’s infidelity and her own feelings about their marriage and future child. Ephron conveys things we all feel, but reading her is more: it’s both hilarious and cathartic!

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/51-rwApY85L._SX333_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg32. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. Told in the age of industrialization of Russia and called “the best novel ever written” by Faulkner, this is the story of Anna and her two loves: her husband, Alexei Alexandrovich Karenin and her lover, Alexei Kirillovich Vronsky. Anna is torn between her love of two Alexeis, between obligation and freedom, between her role as mother and the dictates of society and her own need for fulfillment through love. This stunning classic will both capture and break your heart through its beautifully-told journey.

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/513x35SHFTL._SX322_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg 33. Tales of a Female Nomad: Living at Large in the World by Rita Golden Gelman. This story is that of Rita leaving all her worldly possessions at the age of 48, on the brink of divorce, and deciding to walk away from everything and become a nomad. Rita traveled the world from Mexico to the Galapagos to Borneo and everyplace in between as a way of not only seeing the world but discovering herself.

 
 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41rcED%2BzQAL._SX339_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg 34. Stag’s Leap by Sharon Olds. If you enjoy poetry and are also going through divorce, SAS for Women highly recommends this collection. Olds penned these complicated, nuanced and moving poems during the end of her own marriage and opens her heart to the reader. Through beautiful words, Olds reveals the strange intimacy that comes with the separation of a man that was 30 years her mate.

 

https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/41hP1UGDzSL._SX319_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg35. Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed. This autobiographical book takes you on the journey Cheryl went through to become the person she is today, starting with her mother and her divorce. Cheryl falls into a dark place and, to save herself and learn to move forward, decides to hike over a thousand miles on the Pacific Coast Trail alone. Sometimes what you need is a really good book to lose yourself in, one you can learn and grow with just as the protagonist learns and grows. Wild is that book.

 

While there’s no guarantee you (or your friend) will connect with each and every one of these books on divorce, we’re willing to bet at least a few will resonate. Maybe one of them will teach you how to do  something step by step, while another will inspire you and remind you that in fact, you are not alone.  Hearing what the experts know or learning from other people who have gone through a divorce, can lessen your learning curve, bolster your own confidence and give you insight, tips, tricks, and strategies to make this process a little bit easier and less emotionally devastating.

What books on divorce do you recommend? By all means we invite you to share it in the comment box below so other women can benefit. Do tell us what made the book meaningful for you. We love learning from other women and their hard-won experiences! By all means, too, if you did not find a particular book on this list of “best books on divorce” relevant, good, or it did not serve you, let us know that, too.

 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the challenging experience of divorce. If you wish to move beyond reading and connect with others to learn the smartest and most compassionate steps for you specifically, we invite you to consider a free, 45-minute consultation with SAS, or, to learn about our powerful, female-centered, group coaching classes here.

* Please know, we recommend these books on divorce based on our experience with them and the feedback we’ve received from clients who have read them. The links to each book in this blog will take you to Amazon and should you purchase one using the Amazon links here embedded, SAS for Women will receive a few pennies commission. Though the links are designed for your convenience, you are welcome to buy the books from anywhere you like (your local bookstore perhaps?); just get the education and support you deserve and begin taking care of you.

Traveling with Another Divorced Woman 11 Things I hadn't anticipated.

Traveling with Another Divorced Woman: 11 Things I Had NOT Anticipated

Don’t’ get me wrong — traveling alone after divorce is wonderful and it shouldn’t be missed. Especially because, you are never really alone when you travel alone, for people talk to you. They walk with you. They take you in. They invite you to their family’s house for dinner. They introduce you to their friends. These people, their friends, offer to take you on an outing, a tour … of the Cape Peninsula, maybe, where en route, you’ll enjoy lunch at the seashore, taste local wines, and watch the sea lions eye the fishmongers on the wharf.

These people, all these people, soon become something more than “these people.” They become your friends. And life is fuller for you, even as you step away from your shared world. And yet, this serendipitous hum, unfolding good after good, is never predictable for the solo voyaging, divorced woman. It just happens. And because of that,

it’s the stepping into it where the fear lives.

Last August, I went to Peru. However, I did not go alone. I went with another divorced woman, the mother of one of my daughter’s best friends. This would be the last conventional descriptor I could ever use for her, I would learn. For like many divorced women, Alexandra had long since shed labels and skins.

Traveling with another divorced woman.

The mysterious Incan agricultural terraces at Moray, Peru.

At first, of course, the arrangement did elicit its own type of fears — the entirely selfish, all-about-me sort. How would traveling with another divorced woman 24/7 affect MY mojo? My wanting to go and see whatever I wanted? Was Alexandra going to cramp my style? What if, God forbid, I had to take care of her?

Funny thing about fears, though, and a fact I am reminded of over and over again, is that more often than not, we give too much space to them — in advance of their happening! Fears are a projection of a certain future; they are not here and now!

For within hours of joining Alexandra, and heading off on our adventure, a “new” here and now appeared, and those old fears would be forgotten. Gone! Poof! as quickly as they were replaced …. with new ones!

As a divorced woman I must remind myself of this, sometimes: Fears are transient. For this reason, when fears appear it’s important to not get tooooo emotionally attached to them.

This is all the more true if you are traveling with another divorced woman! Because I learned you need to make room for so much more. I share the following to inspire you … to help you imagine, too …

what if you could just go off to a foreign land with another woman who was also a survivor? How would you come to experience joy? What might move you? What might be uniquely shared and understood?

Here are eleven things I hadn’t anticipated about traveling with another divorced woman.

1. That there really is ALWAYS a first time

“Don’t worry,” Alexandra reassured me as we idled in standstill traffic, trying to get to the airport in a cab.“I’ve never missed a flight. IN. MY. LIFE.” Turns out 54 years of living can still bring new experiences. We did miss our first outbound flight, but not before Alexandra also lost her passport, and I knocked over the suspension line that kept the American Airlines queue full of (rather stressed) people, organized. Suddenly, they were as disorganized as the thousands of baggage tags I’d also knocked and scattered to the floor.

Traveling with another divorced woman

Arequipa street scene with the Volcano El Misti in the background.

Fast forward, we recovered the passport and made the standby flight at midnight to Lima. No extra charge! This saved us four transfers in the end (yes, the original flights stunk). We arrived in Arequipa, Peru, the country’s second largest and very beautiful city, a full day ahead.

2. Sometimes a mess up can do you a world of good

Tragically (?), because one of us came down with altitude sickness and the flu, several days in, we were unable to face our ultimo challenge for the trip: the several day trek to Machu Picchu. We hadn’t planned to take the Inca Trail, mind you, but the less travelled, “moderately demanding” Salkantay; which would wind us around the glorious 18,000-foot peak. We are forever grateful to the expedition company United Mice for reorganizing our planned itinerary and getting us to Machu Picchu, another way.

Traveling with another divorced woman.

Baskets and vegetables vendor in Cusco market.

Rather than hiking, camping, and probably being carried, we’d go by train, and in the intervening days, go deep into the Sacred Valley, exploring the astonishing Inca ruins of Písac and Ollantaytambo.

On the day of our departure for Machu Picchu from Ollantaytambo, United Mice informed us, however, there’d been another change.

Traveling with Another Divorced Woman

View from the Higham Bingham Train en route to Machu Picchu.

There was a problem with the standard train we were booked on, and to keep our itinerary, United Mice was putting us aboard the Belmond Higham Bingham Luxury Train. This twist was tantamount to ushering us aboard the Orient Express and pushing us back forty years to enjoy the consummate colonial and decadent experience of silver service, linen tablecloths, fresh flowers, flutes of champagne, and four perfectly timed dinner courses. These dishes and assorted wines were served in sequence to the unraveling view out the window of the sacred Urubamba River, the great Mountain Glacier Veronica, and a peek at the start of the Inca Trail. (Those poor souls with their walking sticks, mules, and heavy backpacks across the river … la gripe had indeed been a gift.)

3. How much I’d appreciate the space my friend gave me as I struggled to speak a foreign language

I was struck by the patience of Alexandra who let me try and often fail with my Spanish. She felt no urgency to fix the situation when I was interacting with the world, because she knew it’s only practice that builds confidence and competency. This was all the more profound because Alexandra spoke Spanish — fluently.

Traveling with another divorced woman.

Hiking in Colca Canyon, the deepest canyon in the world, with our wonderful guide, Sabino.

There was that one time, though, when I called the men in the room “caballos” (horses) instead of “caballeros” (gentlemen). Then, and only then, did Alexandra correct me; if not to save me, then to save us, lest we be ridden out of town.

4. How beautiful the world is unfiltered

When I look back on my marriage, it’s sad to remember how my Ex and I argued in some of the most beautiful places in this world. Traveling with another divorced woman reminded me of how different everything is now. There is no one criticizing my decisions, second-guessing my hotel (or hostel) choices, or shaming me for my efforts to speak with the locals.

To experience a bit of this, too, I encourage you to think of a view in your mind’s eye —  a majestic view — and what it would be to take that majestic view in through all your senses. Your eyes, your nose, the sounds, the touch of a breeze. And to have all those things alive and uncomplicated, unsullied … by a distracting relationship, or the echoes of tending to someone else’s needs. Imagine this view is real and in front of you. You are looking down, down at a valley, hundreds of feet below. You see a slow-moving, snaking river, and between, in the air, hawks, eagles, and condors. There’s the smell of eucalyptus and across the valley going up the hills, the hills that are veritable mountains of snow capped peaks, the Andes, you see the terraces, the Incas’ undulating, agricultural lines, hundreds of years old, folding in and out with the flow of the mountains and the glaciers beyond.

Traveling with another divorced woman.

View across the Sacred Valley, Peru.

Alexandra and I both agreed we just wanted to sit on a mountain at different points in our journey, and be still. Sometimes, when we did this we took our boots off and just sat connecting to Pachymama. Mother Earth. We did it because it seemed obvious, and we could.

5. The luxury of washing your underwear in your hotel room and hanging it to dry anywhere you want

Enough said.

6. Being inspired by somebody else who’s got “Street Cred”

Between the two of you, divorced women, there’s an unspoken truth: you’ve each been through a lot. It won’t take much for you to inspire the other. You’ll tell stories about worse times for reference points. You’ll cackle! Suddenly this behemoth problema you are facing ( … maybe you’ve arrived in your hotel room, and the musty smell, lack of windows, and satin bedcover have one of you dubbing it, “La Casa de Los Muertos,” and you want out!) this is nothing when you compare it to any of the million problems you’ve solved, surviving your divorce!

Traveling with another divorced woman.

Beware that this attitude of being able to survive and take on the world can also work the other way, too. So aim to inspire and not retire for scones, warm milk, and bed at 6 p.m., as much as you may deserve that, too. (Except of course on the few nights when it makes perfect sense.)

7. The surprising impact of the doubled flirt-factor

Who knew that feeling free and flirty with your divorced friend doubles your odds at helping you attain certain goals? Your efforts will make you both laugh hysterically even if you have no success scoring free pisco sours with the Italianos. (But you probably will.)

8. How much being listened to and respected is underrated

From the very beginning, Alexandra and I listened to the other’s intentions about the trip. We each wanted to see and do certain things (that were often the same, coincidentally). And we both wanted to leave our everyday worlds behind so we could give our minds a rest.

Traveling with another divorced woman.

En route to the Sacred Valley, we met warm, friendly people in Chincheros.

We aimed to wander around Peru seeing it through the eyes of a wide-eyed child. Admittedly, these wide-eyed children sometimes risked being hit by cars in the tight alleys of the one-way streets of Cusco, where cars still drive in both directions.

9. The reinforcement that simple things deserve celebration

Pausing to play with children, bending down to pet a dog, such simple things anchored us in the moment or grew in importance when experienced through our particular female sensibilities. Toilet paper is cherished. A good night’s sleep is savored. Sleeping in the same bed saves money. And some meals are just worthy of a photo no matter how much you hate food porn.

In the picture below, the triangle on Alexandra’s plate, is actually a pyramid of quinoa. Peru has 5 varieties of quinoa and more than 2000 species.

Traveling with another divorced woman.

Peruvian cuisine (and its wildly diverse pleasures) was one of our biggest discoveries. Enjoyed here at the fabulous Zig Zag restaurant in Arequipa.

10. The power of reciprocity

Come a certain point in your divorce recovery, you’ve done the work: you realize the responsibility it is to yourself and to those you care about to care and what true caring really looks like. Alexandra and I didn’t need to draw boundaries or discuss roles.

In unspoken ways, we tended to each other because we knew what we ourselves needed and what we lacked in other times of our lives. We could look at each other and know exactly what the other was thinking; this grew into a state of being.

Sometimes this just looked like Alexandra telling me to take my jacket off when I was “negotiating” with an airline supervisor. My cheeks had become so pink she thought I would pass out.

11. The discovery that you are not alone

Because we had each other, we didn’t feel alone (emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually). Like when Alexandra was nearing the summit of Montaña Machu Picchu on her hands and knees ….

Traveling with another divorced woman.

Credit: Unsplash

Context: To reach the summit of Montaña Machu Picchu (elevation 10,007 ft), you must first arrive at the citadel of ruins, most often referred to as “Machu Picchu.” It’s interesting to know that the Incas didn’t call their city of temples “Machu Picchu.” They called it something secret, now long lost and forgotten, so it’s existence would stay unknown to the Spanish. Machu Picchu (“Old Mountain”) is in fact what they called their sacred mountain that looks down upon the ruins from the southwest. We hadn’t done the Salkantay trek. We had hiked, but we hadn’t really climbed for a sustained time. So determined that we experience something of this we began climbing the mountain’s steep, stone, narrow, Inca steps. Two hours in with Alexandra crawling to the summit, she resisted (she told me later) turning around to look at me as I followed her on the harrowing steps. Not only because of the paralyzing, sheer drop-offs to the side, the rainforest’s clouds coming in, the distant view of the ruins below, and the spinning risk of vertigo, but for the FEAR that I would be smirking at her. When she finally did look, she told me later she had been relieved, even buoyed, for she found me nearly prostrate on all fours behind her, too, not pink, but red as a rutabaga.

We had broken a record that day, we were told by the park’s guard. He accompanied us, the last two people on La Montaña, down. He didn’t need to tell us about breaking any record. We knew. We knew we had ascended a different peak than the one we had set off to conquer. A different peak that left us wasted but surprised by ourselves.

Traveling with another divorced woman.

Atop Machu Picchu Montana, Peru.

—————————-

If you, dear friend, are unable to go somewhere far away right now, a place you’ve always dreamed about, it’s all right. It WILL happen. And it is absolutely something to look forward to.

For what you will discover about the world and yourself cannot be predicted, but the delights might be compounded if you are lucky enough to do it with another divorced woman.

For Alexandra and me, we knew little about the other in the beginning —  except we each had a penchant for discovery. Among the biggest discoveries we made in the extraordinary country of Peru is that the trip we embarked on, and chose to give meaning to, could only have happened while traveling with another divorced woman; someone who has learned from life, the importance of savoring the view.

 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the challenging experience of divorce and recreation. Now you can learn the Art of Reinvention post-divorce. Secure female-centered support, information, and smart next steps rebuilding your life with Paloma’s Group, our virtual, post-divorce group coaching class, for women only. 

To promote sisterhood and protect confidentiality, space is limited. Visit for details.

“I am so happy to have these sisters on the journey with me! Our connection is very powerful. It’s ended any sense of isolation or alienation that on and off, I’ve been struggling with. I feel understood — at last — because I know these women get it! They are going through the same thing. Thank you for bringing us together and creating Paloma’s Group!”

~ S.L., New York City

After divorce are you destined for rebound relationships?

After Divorce, Are You Destined for Rebound Relationships?

You’ve been warned about them. But here’s what a rebound relationship truly is. It’s any romantic relationship entered into shortly after ending another romantic relationship. Sound vague? That’s because it is. What does “shortly after” even mean? An hour, a week, a year? It’s all a little murky, isn’t it?

And then there’s the whole judgment thing.

Rebound relationships leave a bad taste in the mouth. The general opinion is that they’re never any good for both people involved.

After all, who gets into a new relationship before the ink on their separation agreement or divorce decree is even dry? Before they’re done with their grieving?  Before they’ve figure out who they are now that the dust is settled? The truth is, many people do.

Some people quickly enter a new romantic relationship because they want to distract themselves from the pain of their divorce or remain in the same type of living arrangement they had before their divorce.

Others do so because their Ex is already in another relationship. They believe that if their Ex is already moving on, then they should, too. AND, of course, they’ll make sure their Ex knows about how happy they are with their much more successful, attractive, smart, young, and “sane” new significant other.

Some people enter a rebound relationship because of the excitement. A rebound is a way to explore their newfound independence or to experience what it is to be sexual again after years of feeling unlovable.

Sometimes there are people who are already in another relationship while married, divorcing, or moving out. Those relationships are complicated and fall into their own category—let’s say the ball (sticking with the rebound metaphor) never hit the ground but got passed instead. These relationships may last, or they may be a function of distraction, excitement, and taboo. And when the marriage is officially no more, those feelings may dissipate; with the reality of everyday and its mundane responsibilities making the relationship seem suddenly boring. But if not, and the relationship lasts, a whole new set of challenges are presented for the one who left the marriage without hitting pause to reflect on what really went wrong.

Then there are those who enter into rebound relationships to heal and move on with their lives. These people know that their divorce recovery is textured, a process, and a healthy relationship (see more below) won’t keep them from growing.

So, you can see that not all rebound relationships are the same. They’re not all harmful. Some truly are healing.

How do you know if your rebound relationship is healing instead of harmful?

Honesty about the situation

You and your new partner are upfront about your personal situations, emotions, and what you’re expecting from the relationship. If not, then at least one of you will be very hurt when it ends.

The willingness to learn about yourself

One of the great things about being in a relationship is the ability to learn more about yourself. If you enter this one with an intention to learn more about yourself, your likes and dislikes, and how you behave in a relationship, then you’ll be presented with new opportunities to learn, grow, and move on from your divorce (and maybe, eventually, from your rebound relationships).

Curiosity about your new partner

Being curious about who your partner is means that you’re not using them to make you feel better. Instead, you’re seeing them as an individual with their own wants, needs . . . and baggage.

Taking the opportunity to treat yourself well

You’ll teach your new partner how to treat you by modeling it for them. Do you want to be treated with kindness and respect? Then treat yourself that way in addition to treating them that way.

Dealing with your baggage as it comes up

Healing through being in a relationship means that you’ll discover things that need to be dealt with. Maybe you’ll discover that something your new partner does triggers you. Maybe you’ll discover that you entered this relationship because it felt familiar instead of healthy. Maybe you chose this partner because he seems 180 degrees opposite to your EX. Whatever baggage you discover, your awareness of it and appropriately dealing with it is part of your healing journey.

Most rebound relationships, including the healing ones, are relatively short-lived. The good thing about the healing ones, though, is that each one is a stepping-stone that carries you closer to a good and lasting relationship with yourself and perhaps, if you want, a relationship with someone else too.

Just what makes a good relationship—one that can last? When you mutually agree to and practice the following.

Honesty about the situation

You and your mate are upfront about your personal situations, emotions, and what you’re expecting from the relationship.

The willingness to learn about yourself

Your mate can be your greatest teacher. Your partner will reflect back to you things you do, things you don’t like about yourself, and things about being in a relationship. The key is to have the willingness to learn and grow. Are you listening to what your partner is saying?

Curiosity about your partner

Being in a good long-term relationship requires that you are still curious about your partner. When you believe there’s nothing more to learn or discover about them, you begin taking them for granted. However, if you can remain curious and you both continue to grow, your relationship can keep its vitality.

Taking the opportunity to treat yourself well

It doesn’t matter what type of a romantic relationship you’re in, you’re always modeling for your partner how to treat you. Take care of yourself, and treat yourself with kindness and respect.

Dealing with your baggage as you become aware of it

It’s rare that a person has no baggage at all. So, expect that you’ll have to deal with your own baggage while you’re in your relationship. Because you’re in a good relationship, your partner will likely support you in your efforts to deal with it—just as you’ll support them.

Making a commitment to each other and consistently putting in the effort to create a good relationship

This is key for any long-term relationship. This level of commitment is also directly connected to the other items on this list being in good order (or at least on the way to being in good order) for both of you.

And, no, this list isn’t some giant typo.

There really isn’t too much difference between the characteristics of healing rebound relationships and good relationships. They are both about promoting growth, support, self-love, and mutual respect.

The main difference is the level of commitment and the possibility of outgrowing each other. With a rebound relationship, the commitment level isn’t lifelong. Because you enter these relationships needing to heal, it’s more likely that one or both of you will move on quickly.

So, let’s get back to the original question:

“After divorce, are you destined for rebound relationships?”

Hopefully you are, but not the kind with the bad connotation. Hopefully, you’re destined for the healing type of rebound relationships that you can use as lovely stepping stones toward either a wonderful committed relationship that helps you both blossom as the unique people you are or a lovely life as a fulfilled single woman.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the challenging experience of divorce and re-creation. Let us help you build your next chapter! Schedule your free 45-minute coaching session to learn how. We guarantee — whether you work further with us or not — you’ll walk away from our talk having learned a next step, and especially, felt the validation you need to hear as a newly independent woman. 

Divorce with kids can be challenging.

8 Things to Get You Through Divorce with Kids

It seems a truism that parenting is hard. But when you’re in the midst of a divorce, or trying to rebuild your life as a newly-single parent, the challenges multiply and can even strike you unawares. For support and solace — to get through a divorce with kids no matter their age — follow these important suggestions and practices below. Doing so will lessen the bumps as much as possible for you, for your children, and for the entire family.

Retain some consistency

Research shows children thrive on consistency. Wherever possible, bring a sense of familiarity to their changing lives. This can apply to your own decisions, big and small—like whether to move within the neighborhood or keep dinner at the usual time. It can also mean working with your Ex to create consistent rules and habits between both your households.

Put your children’s well-being first

In some cases, you may need an emergency or temporary custody order from a court to ensure your children stay out of harm’s way. Or perhaps the opposite is true, and you need to admit that allowing your children to spend time with your Ex is for the best, even if you don’t personally like it. In every decision, ask yourself what would most benefit your young ones.

Find common ground with your Ex

As much as you can, put the past aside so you can focus on the best future for your children. Compromise wherever you can, so you don’t get caught up in “winning.” The more divorcing spouses are able to come up with their own solutions, the faster the legal proceedings can end. Maybe you’re in a deadlock over who gets the house, but can you at least start by agreeing that the kids should remain in their school?

Make a detailed parenting plan

Everything you and your Ex agree on regarding coparenting should go into a parenting plan for approval by a judge. To avoid confusion or debate, make your plan as detailed as possible. Think about specifics like who can apply for a passport for the kids or how long you’ll wait if your Ex is late for a pickup. A parenting plan template can walk you through commonly included items so nothing is missed. Include anything important to you, so there’s no room for ambiguity.

Consider your children’s ages

Children process divorce differently depending on their developmental stage. Make sure your conversations about the divorce are age-appropriate, as is the coparenting schedule you select. Infants and toddlers need frequent contact with parents to develop secure relationships. Older children are able to handle longer periods away from each parent, but need their social lives accounted for.

Know and understand, that regardless of your children’s age, they are entitled to certain rights regarding their relationship with you and their father.

Be flexible

Even long after your divorce, unanticipated situations will arise. If you and your Ex can make decisions together as you go, rather than returning to court or mediation, life will be much easier. Your parenting plan itself may need to change, too. Coparents often modify their plans multiple times as their children grow.

Attend coparenting counseling

Coparenting counseling combines parenting education topics (child development, disciplinary methods, etc.) with counseling specific to your situation. The counselor can help you and your Ex work on things like communication and emotion management together or separately. Sessions can lead to a smoother transition not only for the two of you but for the whole family.

Get help wherever possible

Resources are plentiful for women going through divorce with kids. Don’t be ashamed to use as many as are helpful to you. Go to a large bookstore and look in the self help section. Often you will find a divorce section and in particular, books about divorce and kids: adult book and children’s books. Have you contacted your children’s school and asked what resources they recommend? Investigate them. Your court’s self-help center can help explain the legal processes of divorce with kids. Custody software like Custody X Change can help organize your coparenting. You also have support groups and classes at your fingertips.

This article was authored by Shea Drefs: senior editor and researcher at Custody X Change, a custody software solution. Custody X Change provides software for developing and managing custody agreements, parenting plans, and schedules.

 

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “Divorce can be on your terms.” – SAS For Women

 

Getting through a divorce

Getting Through a Divorce: How to Keep Your Head Straight

Getting through a divorce will be one of the most difficult experiences of your life. And your difficulties will start at the very beginning.

If you were the one who decided that divorce was the best way to change the difficulties in your marriage, you know the agony you experienced in coming to your decision. You second-guessed yourself again and again, and throughout your struggle to reach a decision, you faced uncertainties and fears.

Yet, because of your uncertainties and fears, you gathered information, worked through some of your emotions, and maybe planned a bit to make your transition from married to singledom easier.

Easier, but not easy. Telling your spouse you’re finished is definitely not easy. And once he* knows, things will get more difficult because it isn’t just about you anymore — and what your thinking and feeling internally. Now you’re both dealing with the repercussions of your decision. But your partner, or soon-to-be Ex, will not be in sync with you. He’s going to need time to metabolize what all this means.

If your divorce has been forced upon you, then the beginning of your divorce journey was probably shocking. Maybe it was upsetting because you never thought your spouse would actually go through with it. Or maybe you never even saw it coming.

And because your divorce isn’t of your choosing, you’re stuck playing catch up. You must find some way to not only make sense of what’s happening but to begin taking the necessary legal steps to end your marriage.

You also need to accept that you’re not in sync with him. He has been preparing for divorce emotionally, practically, and maybe even legally before you even knew what was happening.

Whichever side of the divorce decision you were on, there are times when you’re probably thinking, “It’s not fair.” And you’d be right. It’s not, but fairness has nothing to do with the realities of getting through a divorce—only (hopefully) with the legal divorce process.

So, no matter how your divorce journey begins, getting through a divorce is not intuitive. It’s difficult emotionally and logistically.

Yet, there are concrete thoughts that you can hold onto that will help you as you continue on your divorce journey:

You’re getting divorced for a reason

It’s heartbreaking to think about ending your marriage when you consider the shared hopes and dreams you and your spouse had at the start. Yet there’s still an important reason your divorce is happening right now; your marriage is broken beyond repair. So, take a deep breath and remember you are here, going through a divorce. It’s in motion.

Seeking justice for your emotional pain will not serve you

No-fault divorce is a very good thing. It means that people can get divorced without having to prove that one or the other has done something so reprehensible that it requires the marriage to be dissolved.

What it also means is that the courts don’t care about your emotional pain. They know divorce hurts. They know that getting through a divorce is probably one of the most difficult things you’ve ever faced. But that doesn’t change the fact that there are no laws to help you extract justice for the hurt you’re feeling.

All that insisting the courts make your spouse pay in some way for the pain you’re feeling will get you is higher legal fees. It will never ever truly ease your hurt.

Create goals that you can stay focused on

In general, goals are like guideposts. They allow you to channel your energy and thoughts toward achieving them.

When you’re going through a divorce, good solid goals can be the touchstones that remind you to stay focused on the big picture.

For example, if you have children, you may want to make their safety, security, health, and happiness throughout and beyond your divorce a goal. To reach your goal, you’ll want to develop your list of nonnegotiables. You’ll also want to know where you can be softer in your negotiations.

Remember your children are watching and learning

As you’re getting through a divorce, you are modeling for your children how to deal with stress, disappointment, and monumental life changes. Would you want your children to behave and react as you are?

If you don’t have children, get clear on the image of you and who you want to be

At one extreme you could be the woman who is completely unclear about what she wants outside of wanting her soon-to-be Ex to suffer horribly not only through the divorce but for the rest of his life. You might be willing to do whatever you can to ensure his suffering.

At the other extreme, you could be the leader through this challenge. You could focus on what you want and go about making it happen.

Keeping these thoughts in mind will definitely help you get through your divorce.

Yet, it’s almost impossible to do on your own

The real key to getting through a divorce is having someone you can turn to for support, someone who is your partner in thinking through every step of your divorce. A thinking partner is someone who can help you not only make it through your divorce but put the plans in place so you can thrive after it, too. A thinking partner has perspective.

The mistake most people make is using their lawyer as their sounding board. There are a couple of real problems with doing so. First, a divorce lawyer is an expert in the law—not how to help you get through your divorce. Second, when you use your lawyer as your thinking partner for anything other than legal issues, you’re wasting your money and energy—both of which are precious.

Having a strategy for how to think is just part of what you need to keep your head straight as you’re getting through a divorce

You also need to know it’s not only OK but necessary to let go of a few things:

  • Ancillary characters in your life and their less than helpful opinions. Save your energy, and do not overshare.
  • Continuing to be a superstar at work and everywhere else throughout your divorce. You cannot do everything well right now. Pick and choose where you put your efforts.
  • Being available to everyone for their needs. The simple truth is that you can’t be everything to everyone else right now. You’ve got to focus on you, so you come out strong in the end.

Without question, getting through a divorce is hard. However, you know now what’s important to keep straight in your head. And with this knowledge, you’ll be able to take the appropriate actions and make the appropriate decisions to get through your divorce, lessening the pain and diminishing your risk of regrets as much as possible.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of Divorce.

”A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.” – SAS for Women

 

* We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as a “he.”

Coparenting with a narcissist

Coparenting with a Narcissist

A person with narcissistic personality disorder has a veneer of generosity and kindness, but after marrying him*, when you really get to know each other, you discover that’s not who he is at all.

A narcissist controls and manipulates his spouse. But at first, this behavior seems so at odds with the person you thought you knew, that you feel confused, convincing yourself it’s nothing. Once the convincing becomes harder to do, the anger settles in.

Day in and day out, he dismissed your truth in favor of the “truth” he made up for you. Then he blamed you for how your “truth” made him feel.

Even after treating you poorly, he was confused when you didn’t feel like putting on a smile and happily meeting his needs. And that was on a good day.

On a bad day, he had a temper when you didn’t do what he thought you should. He would emotionally attack, verbally abuse, and possibly even get physical with you if you weren’t behaving the way he expected.

And the time suck! Your Ex demanded your attention regardless of the space you needed or what plans you had. He wanted every minute of your time to be spent with him or on activities he approved of.

Living with your narcissistic Ex was hell. And divorcing a narcissist is never easy. But that’s over. Now you’re on your own.

Yet your Ex isn’t completely out of your life. You still need to interact with him because you have children together. But coparenting with a narcissist isn’t easy either.

But there is some good news . . .

Now that you’re divorced, you’re not with your Ex all the time. You have some space to breathe and think without the persistent and all-consuming fear of how he will react.

You can choose to use this separateness to your benefit. Maybe this breather can give you perspective, so you can work on making yourself strong and becoming realistic about how your Ex is going to continue to behave.

He isn’t going to change—unless he embarks on an arduous and lengthy journey of healing.

It’s important to keep in mind how his personality is affecting your children. When your kids spend time with their other parent, whom they yearn to love and be loved by, they’re stepping back onto a minefield.

Coparenting with a narcissist means that you have to be the calm, reasonable, and affectionate parent. Narcissism prevents your Ex from reliably being an empathetic and nurturing parent. Your Ex’s focus is on his own experience and not your children’s.

As you continue thinking about coparenting with a narcissist, you’ll find yourself asking some serious and important questions:

How do you coparent effectively knowing that your Ex is always out to discredit and blame you—even in front of your children?

The truth is coparenting with a narcissist isn’t possible in the truest sense of the term “coparenting.” A narcissist is incapable of the collaboration and respect required to successfully coparent. He will always be looking out for his own interests regardless of what your children need. And because he isn’t able to put the children first, a narcissist can’t coparent.

The only way to share parenting responsibilities with a narcissist is to let him do his own thing while you do yours.

You must also be ready to help your children deal with the confusion they will have after spending time with or even just talking to their other parent.

Which brings up another great question . . .

How do you talk about your Ex with your kids?

This may be challenging, but when you talk about your Ex with your kids, you need to keep your opinions and experiences out of it. Focus on empathetically listening to your children and allowing them the space to come to their own conclusions and guide them into having the healthiest relationship possible with their other parent.

You may need to remind your kids that you are always available if things get to be too tough with their other parent. And you’ll also need to be aware that children are very good at getting what they want. Be on the lookout for your children trying to use your concern for them inappropriately.

How do you model “taking the high road” for your kids?

There’s greater pressure when you’re “coparenting” with a narcissist than if your coparent didn’t have a personality disorder. Not only do you have to deal with a narcissist, but you must be the model parent, so your children can learn what it means to deal with difficulty—how to deal with their other parent, how to be resilient, and how to be a well-adjusted adult.

This means that you aren’t getting sucked into drama with your Ex. That’s not the easiest of tasks since he knows how to play you like a fiddle, but you can start by setting clear boundaries.

When you know what you will and won’t tolerate, you can communicate that to your Ex. Then, when he disrespects those boundaries (as you know he will), you can firmly, calmly, and dispassionately let him know his behavior is unacceptable and that you will now take the appropriate and necessary action to remedy the situation.

These are just some of the questions that will come up with you attempt the court-required coparenting with a narcissist. One of the governing ideas to keep in mind as you continue raising your children together-ish is that your children’s other parent is all about himself.

His behavior and what he says is all about gaining the advantage over you and your children. The more you disengage from him, the more he will struggle to maintain control. However, by persistence and refusing to rise to the bait, you can successfully “coparent” with a narcissist and raise amazing children despite your Ex.

*For the sake of simplicity, in this article, we will refer to your spouse as “him” or “he” even though we know same-sex marriages exist and your spouse may be a “she,” or you are a man reading this article and your spouse is a “she.”

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the unexpected challenges they face navigating and recovering from divorce. Now, wherever you live, you can secure female-centered support, information, and next steps if you are thinking about/dealing with divorce or recreating your most meaningful life … post-divorce in our virtual divorce support groups for women. Classes start again in September. To keep the space safe and confidential, space is limited. Visit here for details.