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Woman with pink hat post-divorce

10 Mind-Blowingly Good Things About Life Post-Divorce

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Divorce is nothing to look forward to. It’s certainly not a line item on your walk-down-the-aisle bucket list. So imagining your life post-divorce isn’t likely to be on your radar until you are in the throes of losing your marriage. It’s also not likely to leave you feeling hopeful about your future.

But divorce, like every other unforeseen roadblock in life, is really more of a fork in the road than a block in the road. It forces you to choose not only which path you will take, but how you will take it.

And, as you go forward with your post-divorce life, that means embracing the odd notion that there really can be good things about divorce.

Sound crazy? Consider this Kingston University survey of 10,000 people at different major life milestones.

Contrary to all the joys of falling in love and planning a wedding, women were actually happier in the first five years post-divorce. They were more content, despite the financial difficulties that often befall divorced women.

While men were also happier after their divorces were final, their new-found joy was nothing compared to that of the women in the study.

Make of that what you will. But that is a strong message of hope for women going through what is perhaps the most vulnerable, frightening, deflating times of their lives. Obviously, these women became privy to some amazing things about life post-divorce. And now you can, too.

Beyond the steps to ensure your divorce recovery lies a treasure trove of mind-blowingly good things you probably never imagined could come with divorce. While this isn’t a cheering section for ending marriages, it is a cheering section for women whose marriages have ended.

Let’s dive into some of those perks by checking out some must-do’s for the newly divorced, independent woman. Here are 10 biggies:

  1. You realize that you are stronger than you ever knew. 

It’s all but impossible to recognize your own herculean strength for its potential when it’s always being used to fight.

Coming home every day to an unhappy—or, worse yet, toxic—marriage is draining. Add the divorce process to that, and you’re likely to think you’re clawing to stay above ground.

But once you’re in the post-divorce phase of your life, that strength starts to re-emerge.

Have you ever had a plant in your garden that you just couldn’t keep alive… until it decided to pop up a couple of years later? It’s kind of like that. And the realization is amazing! Like, put-on-your-Superwoman-cape amazing.

  1. Your free time belongs to you.

(That’s why they call it “free.”)

Nothing in marriage ever totally belongs to you, and that goes for your time, as well. Somehow you are always tied to the common good of your marriage or the family as a whole.

You will be surprised—maybe even thrown off a little—when you realize that your time really is your own.

  1. Bye-bye stress hormones, hello health. 

It’s no secret that stress causes a cascade of health-eroding events in your body. The price of worry, anxiety, and fighting is a flooding of fight-or-flight stress hormones. And those hormones throw your body into an unsustainable state.

Once your life is post-divorce, however, you get to come home to a haven that you have created. You get to sleep in your own bed without the source of your anger snoring next to you.

You will have a new set of pragmatic concerns and adjustments, of course, but you will be wearing your Superwoman cape, remember?

Just think of all you can accomplish when your blood pressure drops, your headaches go away, and you put the kibosh on emotional eating.

  1. You get to become a better parent to your kids. 

Divorce is never easy on kids, even when it’s a healthier alternative to a hostile environment.

Even if you’re co-parenting, you’ll now get to choose how you engage with your children. You’ll get to manifest all those Princess Diana values that will help your kids become stellar adults one day.

And, when your kids are visiting their other parent, you’ll have some breathing room to evaluate your parenting. How are they adjusting? How can you better support, encourage, and inspire them? What kinds of rituals can you all create together—rituals that will forever define your brave new life?

  1. Shared custody equals time for yourself. 

Yes, it can be painful getting used to your kids being away from you for days at a time. Hopefully, you and your Ex can at least agree on healthy co-parenting that will ease that transition for everyone.

If your kids know that their parents are putting the needs of their children first, everyone can win.

And suddenly those times when they are at their other home means you have more time to yourself. Time to reflect on your relationship with your kids. Time to get your home tidied up and feeling like a sanctuary again. Curfew-free time to spend with friends or indulge a favorite hobby.

Unless there’s an emergency, responsibility for the kids falls on your Ex during those times.

  1. Your goals are just that: your goals.

When was the last time you thought about what you wanted to accomplish in life without checking it against your spouse’s wishes? Now you don’t have to fear that your goals are too outlandish or costly or unrealistic. You can vision-board or Pinterest binge to your heart’s content.

  1. It is so much easier to dance in bare feet when you’re not walking on eggshells. 

It probably won’t dawn on you until you’re way into your post-divorce life just how much fear you lived in. Even if you weren’t in a toxic or abusive marriage, it takes an enormous amount of energy to dodge the constant fighting.

If you say ‘this,’ you’ll be fighting all night. If you don’t do ‘that,’ you’ll never hear the end of it. Walking on eggshells is exhausting. And it gets you nowhere fast.

Now that you’re past that, you can take off your shoes and dance anywhere you damn well please! There is a sweetness to being alone after divorce.

  1. You find out who your die-hard friends really are. 

Divorce exposes people for who they really are. And that doesn’t apply just to you and your Ex. It applies to your family and friends, as well.

You will definitely see a shift in your Christmas card line-up post-divorce. You may stop hearing from those “couples-only” friends or those who stuck by your Ex during the divorce.

But you will be pleasantly surprised by the friends who were always in your corner. They will come out of the woodwork and be there for the ugly cries and the movie marathons.

  1. You make wonderful new friendships. 

And then there are the new friends you will make. Friends that reflect your new life back to you in wonderful ways because they have been where you are.

Friends that are also wearing Superwoman capes under their home-based-entrepreneur power pj’s. These may be friends that you meet in a divorce support group for women recreating their lives. Friends that reach out to you for comfort and advice.

And you will marvel that you had lived so long without them in your life.

  1. You become your own best friend. 

Ahh, this is the best gift of post-divorce life! Becoming your own best friend is far more than a sappy Oprah concept. You’ll look back on your wedding invitations that said, “Today I am marrying my best friend,” and you’ll smile.

You’ll smile because you will know now what you didn’t have a clue about then… that you always were and always will be your own best friend.

 

Helpful Resource

SAS women are those amazing ladies you meet who are entirely committed to rebuilding their lives after divorce—on their own terms. If you are a discerning, newly divorced and independent woman, you are invited to consider Paloma’s Group, our powerful virtual group coaching class for women consciously rebuilding their lives. Visit here to schedule your quick interview and to hear if Paloma is right for you and you, right for Paloma.

*This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. At SAS we respect same-sex marriages; however, for the sake of simplicity in this article, we refer to your spouse as a male.

 

Two women contemplating the state of women's health around the world

Women’s Health Around the World & Why It Matters

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We are no longer living when women aren’t allowed to vote. If our marriages are no longer serving us, we can get a divorce. If we want fulfilling careers, we can go out into the world, work hard, and create them. Starting a family? It’s our choice, not an obligation. We can now celebrate our strengths and achievements as women instead of hiding them away, preferring to be meek and docile and “feminine” to make men feel more comfortable and capable. No longer confined by the old-fashioned, we can be more than simply daughters, wives, and mothers. We can be providers, too.

Some women do, of course, provide for their families, but for others, this reality is still nothing but a concept. While the 21st-century woman has a lot more freedom than women of the past, the societal norms that once held us captive did not vanish completely. They only took on a different shape, one that continues to suffocate and oppress us.

Our culture makes it difficult to fully escape a gender binary. For the most part, we are either male or female, and people expect us to perform our assigned gender role. Many of us still face prejudice based on gender, trampling the equality that good men and women around the world have fought so hard for.

They say women can do anything men can do, but in truth, we tend to always pull the short straw. This is most evident when it comes to the state of women’s health around the world.

Maternal health

Women face many challenges today—unequal pay, racism, sexual harassment, and poor healthcare, to name a few. Healthcare, especially, is one aspect of our lives that is particularly lacking—because when it comes to women, our health does not seem to be much of a priority throughout the world.

Many women suffer from a myriad of health conditions that go unnoticed. This isn’t just because having quality health care can be a challenge but because of a lack of time—even women with full-time jobs often find themselves taking care of their family in ways that surpass the efforts of their husbands. There are also health issues that exclusively effect women, such as pregnancy, menopause, breast cancer, and cervical cancer.

Here are some examples of health concerns that women commonly have:

  • Cancer: breast and cervical cancer are the two most common cancers that effect women. Early detection is crucial to keeping yourself healthy and alive.
  • Sexual and reproductive health problems: this accounts for one-third of issues women aged 15 to 34 face.
  • Maternal health: women today are experiencing a great improvement in their care during pregnancy and childbirth compared to previous generations, but around the world, many women still die of routine complications.
  • Violence against women: women, whether in a heterosexual or same-sex marriage, are likelier to be subject to various forms of violence at the hands of their partner.
  • Sexually transmitted disease: unsafe sex has led to a considerable number of women contracting sexually transmitted diseases, such as HIV and HPV infection.
  • Mental health: women have a higher tendency to suffer from mental health issues, like depression and anxiety, than men.

Aging is also a factor related to women’s health. Older women often have less access to quality health care, pensions, and social services—a truth we know so well.

Violence against women

Many women face physical, sexual, and mental abuse—from broken bones to mental issues, violence against women is recognized as a global epidemic. This violence and abuse is just one reason that many women struggle to leave their husbands. If you’re currently in the midst of a particularly nasty divorce, prepare yourself and find support.

Among the health impacts of domestic violence include depression, sexually transmitted infections, alcohol addiction, low birth weight of babies, unwanted pregnancy, abortion, as well as injury and death. This violence is so alarmingly common that we urgently need to find the underlying causes and ways to prevent more women from becoming victims.

Women and suicide

In countries around the world, there is a higher chance of women suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts than men. Interestingly enough, while men may suffer from depression less overall, on average, more men commit suicide. But the numbers are still worrisome. The female suicide rate varies from country to country. Lesotho, a South African country, has the highest female suicide rates at 32.6 percent, with a population of 100,000.

Suicide is a complex, sensitive issue with a multitude of causes. It’s scary to think that one day someone you love may fall into a depression so deep and vast that they seriously entertain thoughts of suicide. Fortunately, mental health awareness is growing. More people are learning to understand that mental health issues are nothing to be ashamed of. The more we as a society normalize these conversations, the more we can have honest conversations about what possible factors contribute to it.

Whether it is women’s suicide, violence, or mental health issues, communication is a key element that can make a significant change. Open communication and increased awareness is the first step to bringing these issues into the spotlight and addressing them.

Infographic explaining the state of women's health around the world

Women constitute more than half of the world’s population. The state of women’s health around the world is an indicator of how developed a country is. For example, approximately 529,000 women die from pregnancy-related causes each year, and 99 percent of those maternal deaths happen in developing nations. What we see when we look at the data is that improved women’s health means an improved community: higher levels of education, less people living in poverty, better access to healthcare.

The world may be working against us, but women are strong. Look for ways to find some peace and quiet in your life. Practice self-care. We are pillars of both society and our families. While no one can dispute our contributions and achievements, we are often victims of our society’s lack of support and misogyny. We may be far from our dream of equality, but we cannot lose hope. Women’s health couldn’t be more important—it has a ripple effect on everything around us.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

Woman lounging in her life after divorce

Life After Divorce: The 7 Surprising Myths About STDs

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As a medical writer, one of my most gratifying roles is that of educator. I may be writing pieces that teach doctors about a new drug or how to take care of a poisoned patient (since I’m also a toxicologist), or teaching veterinary medicine students about antidotes for poisoned animals. I also write to educate patients about how to keep themselves and their families healthy. So why is a medical writer blogging on SAS for Women’s website? I’ve discovered there is a critical need to educate women, especially older women navigating their new, life after divorce about how to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), also known as sexually infections (STIs).

Women who were in a long marriage may now be in their 40s or older. These women are not in the age group that is targeted for STI education and may not be thinking about the risks they run once pregnancy is not an issue for them.

As you move through your divorce recovery and take steps to rebuild your life, please read and ponder these seven myths about STIs. These are meant to be short and easy to take in so you’ll begin your personal education and protection. For more details, read the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s site on STDs or talk to your healthcare provider. And, if you think you may have an STI, make an appointment to see your healthcare provider.

Myth 1: STIs are only transmitted through bodily fluid

Some STIs are transmitted via skin-to-skin contact (such as herpes or human papillomavirus [HPV]) and body fluid-contact is not necessary for transmission. So, although some STIs require bodily fluid contact, some do not. A condom only covers so much skin (see Myth #5). 

Myth 2: My partner tested “negative” for STIs so he is not infected

If someone is exposed to an STI and is tested too soon, STI testing may not pick up the infection as there can be a delay in symptoms (or no symptoms at all) and/or a delay in a positive testing result. Also, STI testing cannot test for every STI. For example, in men, there is not a test for HPV.

Myth 3: Oral sex is completely safe

There are some STIs that are transmittable via oral sex (either as the giver or receiver) such as HPV, herpes, and gonorrhea. Certain strains of HPV are linked not only to cervical cancer but also to esophageal cancer (making unprotected oral sex a bigger health risk than some women may realize). Safer sex practices for oral sex include using a latex condom or dental dam.

Myth 4: If I don’t see blisters, there is no chance my partner has herpes

Partners with herpes infections can transmit the infection even before blisters appear. Many people with genital herpes do not know they even have it. Note that testing for herpes may not be included on an STI testing panel.

Myth 5: Condoms are 100% effective

Nothing, except abstinence, is 100% effective in preventing STIs. So even with condoms, there is a risk. Using latex condoms for all sexual activity and knowing your partner’s sexual history and STI testing status, can decrease the risk considerably.

Myth 6: STI testing is done at my annual check-up

It may be, but verify. Not all check-ups, even at the OB-GYN, will include STI testing. Ask your healthcare provider what tests are done, and based on your sexual history, if you need additional tests. Alternatively, you may also consider the at home STD test option which can be ordered online. Once the kit arrives, you’ll follow the simple sample collection instructions and then send it back to a lab for analysis.

Myth 7: If I am in an exclusive/monogamous relationship, there is no risk for an STI

See Myth 2. It can sometimes take months for an infection to show up on an STI screen and many STIs have no symptoms. Keep in mind that it’s not only who your partner is with now, it’s who he has been with in previous months.

No doubt you are navigating a lot in your new life as an independent woman. Reading this information may be overwhelming and even frightening. But knowledge is power when it comes to keeping yourself healthy. Women (and men) need to be aware of the risk of STIs no matter what their age. Some strategies like keeping condoms handy (and using them!) and the sharing of recent STI testing results between partners can help decrease the risk for an STI. If you are thinking about dating, or are already out there, make a plan for how you will broach the topic of STIs with your new partner and how you can make sure you are both in the know regarding STI status. You and your partner can get tested together or you both can share the testing results via email (so you can see what exactly he was tested for).

Dr. Allison Muller, Pharm.D, D.ABAT, is a board-certified toxicologist and registered pharmacist with over 20 years’ experience in the field of clinical toxicology. After a nearly 20-year career leading the Poison Control Center at The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, Dr. Muller is presently an independent consultant specializing in medical writing, medical education, and providing expert witness testimony on cases involving medications, alcohol, chemicals, and environmental toxins.

If the idea of connecting regularly to a smart community of women, women who are also recreating their best life after divorce appeals to you, you may wish to explore Paloma’s Group.  Or schedule your free consultation with SAS to hear firsthand feedback and suggestions tailored to your story and what you need help with right now.

Either way, or any which way (but down), don’t stop now. Keep reading ….

This blog post is not meant to provide medical advice. If you have possible symptoms of an STI or feel you are at risk, see your healthcare provider.