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Finding ourselves after divorce

What Does Finding Ourselves After Divorce Mean & Is It Actually Possible?

The concept of “finding ourselves” crops up time and time again in life. When you’re a teenager getting to know yourself, when you’re exploring your tumultuous twenties (and possibly completely reevaluating that teenage version of yourself you invented), and later on in life, when you experience a life-changing event like divorce.

We are often told as divorcees that the end of our marriage is a good opportunity to really “find ourselves” and connect with our inner selves. But what is the intention behind this saying? Is it just a useless platitude meant to reassure us that there is a larger meaning to life, or is it a zen-like state of self-awareness that is actually achievable?

In this post, we’ll be taking a closer look at the idea of finding ourselves after divorce, asking ourselves what that really means, and discovering whether or not it’s even possible.

Being comfortable spending time with yourself

When you’re married, you spend a lot of your time as one half of a whole. That’s the thing about married life; whether you have been together for decades or just a few years, whether you have children together or not, your lives become intertwined. It can be hard to remember where one of you begins and the other ends. You start to ask yourself questions like, do I even like hiking or bowling or any of the other activities I once did as a couple, or do I just think I do because my husband does? Why do I keep putting off x, y, or z? Do I actually like the person I’ve become? When you are forced to see yourself through your own eyes instead of someone else’s, your entire perspective can shift.

As a divorced person, you go from being constantly with someone else—if not physically then at least consciously having to take that person and their thoughts and goals into consideration—to being on your own again. And this transition can be extremely difficult. After all, the person you once shared everything with is no longer there by your side. Add in all those questions cycling through your mind, and it can feel a bit like an identity crisis.

In this situation, it can be tempting to either hide away from society completely (thus becoming intensely lonely) or bury your problems by surrounding yourself with the hustle and bustle of everyday life—like white noise that drowns out any pain or loneliness you may be feeling. Some people throw themselves into crazy behaviors as a means of experiencing their new, wild freedom.

Instead of doing this, seek comfort from yourself and find it within. It’s so important to be comfortable spending time with yourself, whether it’s for the long term or if you end up in a new relationship. Regardless, you need to be happy living your own independent life with your wellbeing at the center of everything you do.

Go to the movies on your own; go out for dinner and relish in your table for one. Have fun and enjoy your own company. Run yourself a relaxing bath, pour yourself a glass of wine, and settle in with a good book. Start to view your time on your own as a luxury; don’t let it pass you by. There are hundreds of things you can do as a newly-divorced, independent woman. When we talk about finding ourselves after divorce, this is how we get there.

Being happy with every aspect of you—including your body

Finding yourself means being comfortable and confident in your own skin, feeling free and happy enough to do whatever you want to do.

Becoming content with every aspect of yourself—including your body—is a tricky thing to achieve if you’re going through or have gone through a divorce. If the reason for the breakdown of your marriage is infidelity on your Ex’s part, then it’s all too easy to feel like your body isn’t good enough. It’s not skinny enough or curvy enough or young enough.


Read How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Divorce? And 4 Signs You are on Your Way.


Or maybe it’s that you went into your marriage during a different time of your life. Back then, you were younger and your body looked different. Maybe it was before you had children. It’s no secret that childbirth changes our bodies, and many women struggle to deal with their postpartum body and find themselves beautiful again.

Embracing your mom figure and seeing the beauty in your body again can be tough, especially if you’re going through a divorce as well. Perhaps you’ve put on weight, or your mom tummy won’t go. Or maybe you’re self-conscious about your stretch marks.

Whatever your body hang-ups, look for clothing companies that understand how we live with these self-hating thoughts and that, instead, celebrate mom bodies. Knix has an interesting inspiring Life After Birth Project. Partnering with online initiate The Empowered Birth Project and doula collective Carriage House Birth, Knix have launched a powerful visual project celebrating the strength and beauty of postpartum bodies.

As this project shows, finding happiness with your body isn’t about looking to the past and aiming to get back to the previous version of you: it’s about redefining yourself. Celebrate where you are now and what your body has achieved, whether that is growing and nursing healthy children, staying active and healthy, or carrying you through life’s challenges. You are fabulous and so is your body.

Making sense of your past

Making sense of our past is an important stepping stone to finding ourselves after divorce. It helps you to understand yourself, your behavior, and your actions more, which is what really helps us to define ourselves.

It’s not always easy to make sense of your past—especially if you’ve been sharing that past with your Ex and you are no longer together. Looking back at our history can be hurtful and challenging.

For many of us, we got into a relationship with our Ex (or Exes) at a completely different stage in our lives—and sometimes, very very young. Maybe too young, even. Perhaps this “forever” relationship papered over some cracks in your life that you haven’t thought about in a long, long time, such as your upbringing. Whatever happened in your past, now is a good time to make sense of it all. By doing so, you will start to understand yourself wholly and do the work that is deeply necessary for your divorce recovery.

This could be your own solo exploration of your past—perhaps writing a journal to become more self-aware or doing exercises involving looking back on your memories and previous life without anger or bitterness. You may even find fondness and gratitude, but if this is too hard, then at least try to find neutrality. The rest will come with time.

If you are struggling to make sense of your experiences and feelings from before, you might want to speak to someone. A kind and trustworthy friend or family member may help, but sometimes the most help we get comes from people removed from a situation—that perhaps don’t know you or your past that well—like a therapist. They will help you explore and make sense of your past safely, helping you find peace.

Recognizing your own power

Ultimately, finding yourself comes down to feeling fulfilled because you found the courage and the power within yourself to create the person you always knew you could be.

Think about what you want and who you really want to be, and recognize your own power to make this happen. You are in control of your life and your fate.

Sometimes, this means getting out of your comfort zone and trying new things. After all, if you’re going through the same old routine every day—going to the same job, eating the same food, and coming home to the same evening staying in and watching television—you’re never going to grow and challenge yourself.

Give yourself time and permission to try new things: take up a new hobby—something you’ve always wanted to do, like painting or dancing. Push yourself to meet new people. You’d be amazed at the new friends that come into your life when you’re going through a big change like a divorce. Of course, life is all about balance. By all means, be a thrill-seeker and experiment, but remember to be reliable for the sake of your family.

Putting yourself into new (and sometimes challenging) situations gives you a chance to grow, explore yourself, and most of all, have fun.

Life doesn’t stop just because you are divorced. Your new life begins—and it’s full of possibilities and excitement. Remember, you have the power, and recognizing this brings you a step closer to find yourself and finding fulfillment.

Finding ourselves after divorce means feeling content and fulfilled by the person we are and the life we lead. And the great news is that it is definitely possible.

In fact, it’s actually one of the positive side effects of going through something as huge and life-changing as a divorce. This is your chance to really connect with your inner self, recognize your power, and make changes to your life that will give you true happiness and confidence. Maybe finding ourselves after divorce isn’t so much about dusting off an old version of yourself or even inventing a new persona so much as having the courage to redefine your reality.

About the author: Kayleigh Alexandra is a writer, editor and influencer coordinator that regularly pens lifestyle advice for a range of inspirational brands and thought leaders around the world. Follow her work via Twitter @MentionMeio.

Whether you are considering a divorce, navigating it, or recovering from the challenging experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce.

SAS offers women 6, FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you and your future. Join our tribe now.

Divorce help for women

Divorce Help for Thoughtful Women

There’s no one way to be married, and the same is true for divorce. Smart women find the best way through it is by viewing the divorce process as a whole, and then narrowing in and breaking down each piece into manageable sizes that can be more easily accomplished. Take things slowly, and make sure the direction you’re headed in is the one you really want to go in. Like any journey, you have to first take a look at the lay of the land and develop a holistic understanding of what this new place you’re venturing into looks like.

We are all about divorce help for women. Here are a few pointers to get you started, whether you’re thinking of divorce or just beginning the process.

Get educated

Being informed makes us feel more powerful. It’s also eye-opening because as much as humans love to play the “blame game,” we know too well that in a marriage fault is very rarely easy to assign. Do your research. Read books on divorce. Talk to professionals. Become an expert on your own options because that way, no matter how things turn out, you will feel confident that you’re making the right choices for yourself and your family.

Develop a safety net

You need to find new ways of creating stability in your life—there is so much that’s outside of our control, but saving money, connecting with new and old friends, and creating spaces for ourselves that feel safe and empowering are things that are very much within our control. You just have to be brave and disciplined enough to go out and do them. So start a “war chest,” where you save money for both yourself, your children, and your future. Nourish yourself. Find a women’s hiking group. Find a new job. Do things that make you feel whole again.

Be careful who you trust with the whole truth

People often enter into conversations with their own set of preconceived notions. If you have people in your life who you trust and know to be open-minded or objective, then by all means, allow them to be a shoulder to lean on. Otherwise, you may want to keep the details of your divorce to yourself. People judge. They give out opinions where they’re unwanted. Right now, you have to protect yourself as much as possible—even from people who mean well. Surround yourself with positive people.

Get organized

Get an email address you use specifically for divorce matters (you might even use a private or incognito window if you’re on a shared computer). Keep a notebook, and divide it into three sections: emotional, legal, and financial. You could also add other sections like family or other if you’d like. Write down your fears in the emotional section. Then take a look at the list and ask yourself which are actually legal or financial questions and move accordingly. Maybe they’re something else entirely. Now look back at all your legal and financial questions. Who can help you find your answers? A lawyer? An accountant? A certified divorce financial analyst? A divorce coach? There are countless professionals out there offering divorce help for women.

Keep a folder where you store important documents. What do you own? What do you owe? Keep a calendar of appointments and important deadlines. If your divorce isn’t amicable, you might even need to document your husband’s transgressions.

Get a legal consultation

Google can only take you so far, and the information you find generally only covers the basics of divorce laws in your state. We all think we can avoid going to see a lawyer, or that the cost isn’t worth it. But the fact is that you can’t afford to remain ignorant about your own circumstances—you’re only hurting yourself.

Find a new normal

You have to find a new normal. Even if you and your husband end up deciding there is still enough love left to work on reigniting the spark, you have to live your life like that saying “you can’t go home again.” You can’t go back because that life was no longer serving you. You need new routines and positive habits. At some point, you have to stop searching for divorce help for women. You have to feed your body and your soul. Exercise, and go to classes. Get a medical exam. Go do all the things you keep saying you want to do but have never quite gotten to. Step outside yourself and your comfort zone in order to find a new way forward.

Understand the journey you’re on

Manage your expectations. This divorce recovery will not only be about overcoming the legal and financial aspects of divorce but the emotional as well. What kind of support will you need to cope with the stresses of divorce? Be sure to look into therapy, reach out to a divorced friend, and look into the benefits of working with a divorce coach (even if you don’t end up getting divorced, they can be tremendously helpful). And if you’re not quite ready for divorce, then be sure not to threaten your husband with it until you know exactly what it means and what it looks like for you. Whatever you do, don’t rely on your attorney alone; they’re not there to cover the entire scope of divorce and the emotions that come with it.

There will be a tipping point

There’s rarely a moment in any of our lives where we can say with 100% certainty that we are making the right decision. We plan, we research, we talk things out. We trust in our intuition and our smarts. But at the end of the day, we don’t possess the crystal ball we so desperately want. The same is true for divorce. Even when you reach your own personal tipping point—that thing or the distance that pushes you over the edge from simply consider a divorce to actually getting one—you will still feel a little uncertain. But know that there is life after divorce, and what it looks like is different for everyone.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself and take things one day at a time. There is divorce help for women out there. But the past will only drag you down if you let it. Focus on what’s right in front of you, the aspects of your life that are within your control now, and create a plan. And if you can, be kind to your spouse too.

When we reach a point in our relationship where divorce is suddenly on the table, the decision feels as though it was already made for us. Asking for what we need to be happy isn’t always easy. Nor is it obvious what we are legally entitled to. Get educated on what your rights are and what is legally yours, and as well, learn about the healthiest ways for evaluating your choices and moving through the process. Around the corner, there is a beautiful life you cannot yet imagine and it’s waiting for you.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce.

SAS offers women 6, FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future.

“A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.”

~ SAS for Women 

Dealing with joint custody

Joint Custody: What Is It, and How Does It Work?

I spoke with divorce attorney Kathy Wagner about joint custody recently. She shared some critical insights from her 30-plus years of experience practicing family law in Somerset County, New Jersey. While there will be similarities in family law state-to-state, there are also important differences, so be sure to Google custody law in your state before taking action on any of this.

The difference between physical and legal custody

In New Jersey, the person who has physical custody has actual possession of the child, meaning the child lives primarily with that person. Having legal custody means having the right to make decisions for the child in the areas of health, education, and general welfare.

When the parents are married, both of these powers are vested in both parents. This means the child lives with both parents, and both parents can and do make legal decisions for the child.

After the parents live separately, the physical and legal custody arrangements must be settled with a custody decision either amongst themselves, memorialized by the court in the final judgment of divorce, or by a family law judge if the parents cannot agree.


Remind yourself of what your children deserve. Read How to Help Your Child Cope with Divorce.


The best interests of the child dictate the custody arrangement

In New Jersey, family law judges determine what custody arrangement is in the “best interests of the child.” The judge begins by presuming that children benefit from maintaining “frequent and continuing contact with both parents” and from having both parents “share the rights and responsibilities of child-rearing.” N.J.S.A. 9:2-4. Then the judge weighs the following factors, among others, in determining what custody arrangement is in the best interest of the child:

  • The parents’ ability to agree, communicate, and cooperate regarding the child
  • The parents’ willingness to accept custody and any history of unjustified withholding
  • The interaction and relationship of the child with the parents and other siblings
  • History of domestic violence
  • Safety of the child and/or either parent from physical abuse by other parent
  • Preference of the child of sufficient age and capacity
  • Needs of the child
  • Stability of home environment
  • Quality and continuity of child’s education
  • Fitness of parents
  • Geographical proximity of parents’ homes
  • Extent and quality of time spent with child both before and after separation
  • Parents’ employment responsibilities
  • Age and number of children

Contrary to popular belief, a judge will never exclusively use one factor—like a parent’s income level—as the sole deciding factor in who gets custody of a child.

There are three types of custody in New Jersey

In New Jersey, custody can be summarized by these three possible arrangements: Joint, Split, and Sole custody. Sole and Joint custody is defined specifically by New Jersey law.

Joint custody

This is what married parents have by default. Both people can make decisions about the child’s welfare, and the child lives in the same home as both parents. After a divorce, parents can often retain joint legal custody, even if the child lives mostly with one parent or the other.

According to state law, any joint custody arrangements must include specific instructions for consultation between parents on important decisions and residency of the minor child.

Split custody

If parents have more than one child, the court could split the children between the two parents. This is rarely done—in most cases the courts won’t split siblings apart so long as there is another option. In exceptional cases, such as there being a child from a previous marriage or a large age gap between siblings, the court might be more willing to split custody between parents.

Sole custody

Sadly, some people just aren’t fit to be parents. It could be due to alcoholism, criminal behavior, or abuse, but in any case, the case courts will not leave a child in the care of a parent who seems abusive or negligent. In these cases, one parent takes legal and physical custody of the child, while the other parent loses those rights.

Unless the other parent is found to be abusive or negligent, the parent with sole custody must still make arrangements for the child to have time with the other parent. The statues provide no guidance for what constitutes “appropriate parenting time,” and this is a frequent cause of custody battles.


Learn about the relevance of drug use in divorce in Coparenting Through Divorce: Drug Use, Drug Testing & Family Court.


How does joint custody work?

Again, parents can share joint physical custody, joint legal custody, or both. If parents share both, then it is common for their child to live with one parent during the school week and with the other the remainder of the time. The parents consult with one another regarding major decisions and collaborate to parent their child as best they can despite the divorce.

Joint custody obviously requires a great deal of civil and constructive communication between parents, and not every divorced couple is capable of this.

Can we make the joint custody arrangement without a lawyer?

It’s highly recommended that you speak to an attorney and file a motion with the court if you want to change the child custody arrangement set by the court. Of course, you have the right to represent yourself pro se if you wish, but be forewarned: the courts won’t make special accommodations for you as a layperson, and you will be expected to follow the same procedures as a lawyer.

If you and your Ex try to change the custody arrangement without going to court, this can be problematic in that if either of you decide not to follow your new arrangement, the new arrangement cannot be enforced by the court. In fact, it is the person insisting on the new arrangement that will be found in the wrong by the family law judge, who knows only about the original arrangement.

Find the best lawyer for your joint custody case

Family law is a highly specialized area of practice, and laws vary state-to-state. In New Jersey, custody disputes are settled in separate courts from other legal matters by dedicated family court judges. Even if you and your Ex seem to agree on most things and believe that you can make joint custody work, you need to find an experienced family law attorney in your area who can help you craft an arrangement that works for your family and get that arrangement approved by the court.

Veronica Baxter is a blogger and legal assistant to Katherine K. Wagner, Esq. Katherine practices divorce and family law in Somerset County, NJ.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce.

SAS offers women 6, FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future.

“A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.”

~ SAS for Women 

Divorced women on a boat

11 Truths Divorced Women Want You to Know

If you are thinking about or dealing with divorce, it’s human nature to want to hear things from other women who have survived it. We want to compare our experiences of hell, and we want to know how they did it, ultimately, how they, women like us, championed through it. Hearing their story creates a bond that pulls us in and lessens the magnitude of our own story and the depth of feeling so very alone.

As women who work with women dealing with divorce, we know this to be especially TRUE, and so whenever possible, we like to share some of the insightful gems we hear when women open up and talk about their experiences. There’s nothing like a smart woman for calling the issues out.

Here are eleven truths divorced women want you to know about and to be on the lookout for.

You can’t Google-solve your divorce

“When my marriage was breaking up and I was trying to survive,” says Kelly, an accomplished professional in her forties, “I tried to figure out everything using Google. But it became a rabbit hole! What helped me more was accepting that everything was in flux and not so easily solve-able. That divorce wasn’t just a document, or a financial readjustment, or things I could learn on the internet. It was a life shocker involving me to get really clear on who I wanted to be now that everything in my life had been chucked. Once I got that it helped me realize the journey, what divorce recovery is. I realized I would not be put together for a long time.”

It’s normal to be afraid

“Once I accepted it was normal to be afraid,” laughs Jessie, “it was freeing. Like it allowed me to relax a little. Being afraid doesn’t mean you can’t do it.”

Lonely is not the same as alone

“All my life—even probably causing me to marry,” admits Susan, a woman in her sixties, “I was afraid to be alone. And later it was definitely one of the things that kept me in a dysfunctional place—just being scared to be by myself. I was afraid I could not survive. But now I wake up by myself. I am alone, I realize being lonely is very different than being alone. Lonely means missing, feeling incomplete, wanting or feeling a lack of someone or something. Alone! Alone, I like being alone now and doing things I want to do. I don’t find myself or my life lacking.”

It’ll be normal for your kids to hate and judge you

“One of the hardest things for me was hearing my kids say what they said,” says Karen, a mother of three teens. “They really knew how to hurt me. Despite my efforts to do things healthily, I was human and at times I failed. And it’s clear I failed BIG TIME sometimes! But what I tell my friends now who are facing divorce is that your children will not always understand what’s going on—and neither will you all the time. But your kids don’t have the life span on this earth to understand. Until they do, they need your sympathy and support, not their shoulder to cry on.”

There’s a big difference between signing an agreement and healing your heart

“To help you stay organized,’ says Penny, a woman married for more than twenty-two years, “It can help if you think of the emotional journey through divorce like a roller coaster. And then outside the game park, your legal process. There’s a really big difference between the two, and it’s important to keep them separate. This means doing something for your emotions when you are triggered or upset or falling down. You got to find a safe place to go. Like my therapist was my godsend. And separately, you’ve got to look at the business transaction of the divorce and use a completely different part of your brain when you are making smart decisions there. Don’t lead with your emotions in the business transaction!”

Let go of “right” or “wrong”

“Stop trying to view your choices as right or wrong,” counsels Marcie. “The best decision making in divorce, is often not a question of what is right or wrong but what makes the most sense, what seems like the healthiest approach. Once you realize this, you become much more comfortable with the gray in life and a better problem-solver!”

There are great people waiting for you

An exciting, whole, new community of people are waiting for you. They understand what you’ve been through (they’ve got quite a few good stories of their own), but they don’t want you to stay wallowing there. They want you to step into your new chapter like them, and to keep learning, to keep living. Let’s start creating that life right now.

Stop listening to people who don’t know

There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t want to date after divorce. Don’t listen to your well-meaning friends, family, or annoying neighbors who urge you to “get back out there” if it doesn’t appeal to you now or ever. You’ve got a million other things to think about, feel and enjoy.

Your best days are coming

“I am convinced the biggest most expansive moments, happen post-divorce,” says Jennifer who has moved to a new country. “I had no idea how finding out about me on a soulful level would automatically translate into my finding more and more situations that inspire me. I am not sure if it’s because one is more grateful or aware, but listening to who we are, becomes self-fulfilling!”

You will learn much more

You know how you feel tired these days? How you feel like an old dog who could not stand to learn anymore tricks? “Well, I’ve got news for you,” says Deshum. “As tired and baked as you might feel now, you can and you will still learn new things! It’s called adaption, and Charles Darwin knew it’s important for you to learn, change and adapt so you can stick around. So get excited because you’re going to learn to Tango!”

Love is there

“Some of us are hurt. We’re wounded,” shared Maria quietly. “We don’t know what to think of love, or if we will ever want a part of love again. I know I never thought I’d be in a relationship again. I just wasn’t interested. After my divorce, I was building my business, and working so hard. I honestly wasn’t interested even in dating…But then, love suddenly happened. Out of the blue! As if to remind me that love existed before my marriage, and during my marriage. And yes, it exists still…after divorce. Watch out, because love can find us.”

Change the course of your life — AFTER DIVORCE!

Paloma’s Group™: Learning the Art of Reinvention.

For newly independent women, post-divorce. Over the course of (only) 3 months, each live-coaching, online class ​builds on a core theme required to ​design a life you deserve. Schedule a free 45-minute coaching session to explore (and experience) how this remarkable group of post-divorce women will plan and act on creating a life they love.

We promise — whether you join us for Paloma or not  — you’ll walk away from your complimentary coaching-session discovering a next step in your unique After Divorce journey. 

“We choose not to do it alone.” ~ SAS for Women

 

*At SAS for Women, we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

How to reinvent your look after divorce

How to Reinvent Your Look After Divorce

It might be a cliché to reinvent your look after divorce, but that’s never stopped anyone before. Let’s face it—getting a divorce is a stressful time for most, but there are a few ways that you can get through it and boost your confidence. Sure, everyone has different circumstances. There are plenty of ways you can handle the emotions that come with and the stresses of a divorce, but no matter what, your goal should be to handle it all with dignity.

Having confidence in yourself is important to get through a divorce with a positive attitude and some fighting spirit.

Reassess your look

It’s common for women in a long-term relationship to “let things slide” when it comes to their wardrobe and overall look. We tend to fall back on comfortable clothing and casual wear. After all, being in a long-term relationship is supposed to be comfortable, and we don’t need to find a new partner because we already have one!

Following the break-up, during your divorce recovery, it is all too easy to get sucked into a negative mindset. We feel bruised and numb. The emotional upheaval is real. You probably won’t care what you look like for a while, but once you are over the worst of it, it’s time to reassess and decide where changes can be made in your wardrobe.

Take a long, hard look at your closet. Throw out all your dated clothing and unflattering sweatpants. It’s time to start looking like a hot, single again. (Or, at the very least, trying to!) There’s nothing stopping you—reinvent your look after divorce.

Being confident in your style

The key to being confident about how you look is to believe you are confident. One way to do that is to play the part. You will easily feel more confident if you leave the house each day having made an effort, so don a new bright lipstick, put on clothes that make you feel good, make an effort to do your hair—whatever it takes to feel strong and confident in yourself.

Many people feel more confident if they are dressed up, versus feeling sorry for themselves in pajamas and a baggy t-shirt. While being in your comfy clothes to lounge around the house is okay, don’t let it become a habit. Keep comfy clothes for bedtime. Make sure to get dressed and look smart for the business of the day.

If you don’t have anything in your wardrobe that makes you feel and look good, go out and buy yourself something that will. Right now, you are in control of your decisions, and you should do things for you. If buying a new handbag will make you feel more confident in yourself, then go ahead.

But rather than impulsive purchases, take the time to think about what you want, and purchase something that is going to be treasured by you. Online sites such as SSENSE have lots of luxury fashion items, such as Saint Laurent handbags, which could make a great investment piece.

If there are things you’ve always wanted to have but felt selfish in doing so, now is the time to be selfish. Do things for yourself, and treasure the independence and freedom you have right now. Like we said before, you’re in control. You can absolutely reinvent your look after divorce.

Now, that’s not to say you should go out and spend money recklessly, but you could make a day out of treating yourself and invite a close friend who always knows how to make you feel good. Spending time with the people who support you is also a great confidence booster, and any good friend will know how to be there for you, just as you would be there for them.

If shopping isn’t your thing, consider other steps to take solo and with friends—as long as you are enjoying yourself and spending quality time with the people you love—including yourself.

Curate a capsule wardrobe that flatters your shape

Whether you are ready to embark on a fitness program, taking up yoga to fight post-divorce depression, or not, it’s time to curate a capsule wardrobe that embodies the new you. Mix and match your looks for work, nights out with girlfriends, and eventually, dates. Pull together a series of different looks using timeless classics and up-to-the-minute fashion items.


Looking to move beyond your wardrobe? If you are newly divorced and wondering how to rebuild your life in 360 degrees, you want to know about Paloma’s Group our Life After Divorce Support Group.


It’s OK to buy some cheap fashion pieces, but if you want a more stylish look, invest in a few good quality classics like a blazer, designer white tee, and a good quality pair of jeans. Don’t forget about footwear and accessories too. These help you pull together a more cohesive look.

Finally, what is important to remember is that you will grow and learn from this experience. Things are going to be tough, and your life will seem incredibly difficult to deal with at times. But this post isn’t just about how to reinvent your look after divorce—it’s about taking one step closer toward changing your entire outlook. If you focus on yourself and the love and support of your close friends and family, eventually the pain will be something in the past.

Cultivating confidence in yourself to build a brighter new future will help you move forward, so keep going. You WILL eventually get to a place where you and more positive things reign.

Rosana Beechum is a young lady focusing on rediscovering her sexuality as a divorced mother of two. Whilst doing this, she is looking to share advice with fellow women in a similar situation emphasizing the importance of looking after yourself in terms of mind and body. 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your free, 45-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

Thinking about mental health in a relationship

Reasons to Always Check Your Mental Health in a Relationship

People say you can forget yourself in someone else—given that, it’s no wonder people also forget about their mental health in a relationship. It can be hard to squeeze in self-care on a good day. When things in your love life feel precarious, everything, including yourself, seems to fall to the wayside.

Relationships can come with many challenges, but like most of us, you and your partner likely aim to solve whatever problems come your way together. But sometimes, events may lead to that mutual understanding and trust dissolving right before your very eyes. The “band” has broken up. You’re no longer a team. A divorce or separation seems inevitable. If you find yourself in this position, don’t forget about the importance of checking your mental health.

While there are plenty more, here are four reasons why you should always check your mental health in a relationship:

1. Mental and physical health may form a link

Certain thought patterns may let the body feel specific feelings. If you’re watching a scary movie, your hair might stand on end, or if you’re falling in love, it might feel like there are butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

Now, many relationships come with challenges. For instance, you or your partner might be working day and night to meet deadlines. This scenario may leave the other person in the relationship feeling alone. It might even lead to a lot of overthinking.

Negative thoughts may result in physical manifestations of those views. The anxiety and worry might make your stomach churn as you think about your partner and your relationship. The extra stress might make you lose your appetite.

If faced with challenges in your relationship, consider taking deep breaths. This action may seem simple, but it might help you think more clearly. Don’t let pride get in the way of a healthy, loving relationship. There might be times when you have to be the better person as you take a step back. Focus on your thoughts and breathing patterns.

And if you or your partner are having difficulties that are already affecting your mental health, consider seeking professional advice.

2. Mental health may affect social interactions

Social events like working in an office, interacting with family members, and ordering coffee at the local café may seem like everyday tasks. However, these interactions require a person to have sound mental wellbeing.

Challenges in relationships might create negative thoughts that affect these social interactions. If you fight with your partner before heading into the office, it might change your work ethic. Routine tasks like documenting reports might feel like more of a challenge than usual. Arguments may replay in your mind. Seemingly routine tasks like ordering coffee or talking with a relative might become more tiresome than the norm.

Despite whatever is going on in your relationship, it’s essential to redefine your focus for the day. Head to a quiet room as you try to listen to your thoughts. Play happy music to help you relax. Try not to let the last fight with your partner hinder you from completing important tasks. And again, if you think it’s becoming a larger problem, consider seeking professional counseling services.

3. Current mental illnesses may worsen when provoked

Couples may already have certain mental illnesses before their relationship starts. These ailments may include mood, personality, and anxiety disorders—and because of that, they might affect your mental health in a relationship.

Having bipolar disorder means you have alternating instances of ecstasy and depression. These feelings may come and go without warning. Your happiness, sadness, and anger may become extreme. The adverse events happening in your life might make you burst out in anger at your partner, even if your partner isn’t the primary cause of those emotions.

Consider finding a happy place inside your head when stressful events seem to come from all sides. Talk to your partner about your mental condition. Your partner may be able to help you find solutions to cope with your mental illness. Keep in mind that one of the essential aspects of a long-term relationship is proper communication. Handling stress might seem complicated, but always remember that your partner is there to help you in times of need.

4. Physical health might worsen when mental wellbeing drops

You might be living with a chronic illness that may make everyday tasks more challenging to deal with. A few examples of these chronic ailments include cancer, diabetes, and heart-related concerns.

Physical health concerns might worsen when you don’t care for your mental health. Depression, for instance, may lead to unhealthy appetites, which can then lead to other health issues like anorexia or high blood pressure.

Don’t forget to think about yourself even when you’re in a relationship. Self-care is even more important during trying times in your relationship, like when you’re filing for divorce. While working together is still a critical aspect of a long-term relationship, consider thinking about yourself when needed, especially if your partner isn’t around to be there with you. Search for things that can help you relax. You might want to carry a stress ball around with you, for example, or eat your favorite, healthy comfort food.

Try not to let your emotions get the best of you when battling negative thoughts. Outbursts may cause mental and physical health problems. Check for the signs of mental health issues before they worsen. Above all, opt for professional counseling services if you find it too difficult to cope with what’s happening around you.

This article was written by Rebecca Hawkings who loves life and loves to help people change their lives for the better. She’s volunteered in the past to help those who are less fortunate and currently works full time while studying to become a psychologist. 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your free, 45-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

Tips for Women for Love and Health

Tips for Women Taking a Holistic Approach to Love and Health

When you hear about taking care of your health, your mind almost instantly goes to tips for women about eating well and exercising—about not “letting yourself go.” The reality is that there is more to people than their physical bodies and digestive systems. There is mental health wellness, like taking care of yourself emotionally and acknowledging that being sexual is both healthy and necessary, for instance.

To take a holistic approach to enhancing your health, all areas need to be addressed. Ensure that your love life isn’t neglected and give it as much care as you do your physical and mental well being. It can sometimes be difficult to determine where to start depending on where you are in life, but these tips for women should be a good jumping off point and hopefully get you motivated.

Learning and recognizing what your sexual needs are

Just as there are people who enjoy hitting the gym regularly, jogging every morning, or doing aerobics at home, everyone has different sexual needs. Human sexuality is intrinsic and natural. Whether you are single or in a committed relationship, you have to make your sexual needs a priority. Human sexuality is based on more than just physical satisfaction. There are elements such as intimacy, variety, and even expression.

Learning what exactly your sexual needs are can be hit or miss. But after divorce, it’s important to experiment and educate yourself so that you can fulfill your needs the same way you do in other aspects of your life.

Enhancing your love life

Besides accepting the fact that all humans have sexual urges and needs and that they’re natural, there’s also the fact that there’s nothing wrong with utilizing enhancements. There are many different items, supplies, and enhancements that can be used to improve your love life.

Even if you aren’t normally the adventurous type, trying out different types of sex toys and enhancements can really change and improve the way you feel about yourself. Some would describe the best strap-on sex toy as one that allows both people to feel satisfied. Wet for Her is a good company to check out if you are looking for sex-positive accessories and toys you can incorporate into your sex life. (Remember, experimentation is good—there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.)

Experimenting in the bedroom

You might have a set routine when it comes to intimacy. Things may begin, proceed, and end very similarly nearly every time. But routines can become habitual in a way that’s no longer exciting, and experimentation helps people have the best overall sexual health.

Now being sexually “adventurous” or even just being open to trying out new toys, positions, etc. isn’t something that you have to do all the time. In fact, many couples choose to experiment only on a semi-regular basis. When you find what works for you, it isn’t really necessary to reinvent the wheel. Instead try to think of experimenting in the bedroom as a much-welcome surprise that you get to endeavor in every once in a while.

Becoming empowered

At times, taking care of your health and love life can be difficult. Especially if your love life might be going through a rough patch. For most people, this can happen during a breakup or even after divorce. When you part ways with someone you have been in a relationship with for a very long time, your sexual health might be something that you put on the back burner.

It’s important during times of difficulty that you take the time to continue to explore your sexuality—empower yourself with it. While exploring you might discover things that benefit you that you were unaware of before. These are tips for women, specifically, because we don’t know often give ourselves permission to be completely selfish.

Just as you should exercise on a regular schedule and avoid eating unhealthily, your sexual health must be a priority. Take some time to be celibate and clear your mind if you’re single or getting over a break-up. If you’re in a relationship, be open to trying new things and listen to your partner’s suggestions.

At the same time, don’t be shy when it’s your turn to speak up. If there is something going on in the bedroom you want to talk about, make your thoughts known. Likewise, if you and your significant other have recently tried something new that you really enjoy, don’t hesitate to let him* know what makes you happy. As you continue on your divorce journey know that when you take a holistic approach to your health, a happy love life naturally follows.

Rosana Beechum is a young lady focusing on rediscovering her sexuality as a divorced mother of two. Whilst doing this, she is looking to share advice with fellow women in a similar situation emphasizing the importance of looking after yourself in terms of mind and body.  

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your free, 45-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

 

*At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

family learning how to coparent

20 Spot On Steps for How to Coparent Pre- and Post-Divorce

Whether you are divorced, thinking about getting divorced, or somewhere in-between, it’s hard to maintain a strong coparenting relationship with an Ex. It’s important to remember, no matter how old you or your children are, it’s likely their father* will always be a part of your life (though one can hope that role gets smaller over time). Learning how to get coparenting right is crucial.

While it may not always be clear what “good coparenting” looks like, we know that bad coparenting often leaves you feeling exhausted. Many divorced parents feel like they are doing everything on their own. And that’s another kind of soul crushing—you’ve already lost your partner in love, but you hoped that your partner in parenting would always be by your side.

If you have gone through an especially bitter divorce, one where heated words were exchanged or an affair was involved, keeping coparenting in mind at all can be especially difficult. But your role as a parent doesn’t end at your Ex’s front door. If you simply don’t want to know what goes on in your Ex’s home besides that your children’s basic needs are met, you’re cutting off a part of your children’s lives that is important to them—the part of their life that involves their father. Yes, your relationship with him has changed, but their relationship with him hasn’t. Or, at least, it shouldn’t have to.

There is a big difference between parenting on your own and coparenting with your Ex to make decisions about your children together—decisions that will help them grow into happy and healthy adults who have a strong bond with both parents.

Because we understand that divorce is never black and white, that it has a way of bringing out the worst in us, we have some tips on how to coparent pre- and post- divorce that will support you during your journey.

Coparenting pre-divorce

1. No matter what the terms of your divorce are or how you feel about your Ex, it’s important to maintain your composure and lead discussions about your divorce with dignity and integrity. Keep your children in mind always.

2. When you tell your kids about your divorce for the first time, try to make sure your husband is there with you and that you both agree on the boundaries of what can and cannot be said. You want your children to be informed of how the divorce will affect them and your family as a whole, but you don’t need to give personal details that can damage their view of their other parent. Hearing the news from both parents reinforces that neither of you is abandoning your children. For support on how to break the news or keep speaking to your children about this tough subject, check out books for smart suggestions.

3. If the above is not possible because your husband cannot control himself, then you might have to come up with a script to start a dialogue with your children about your reasons for divorce without your husband. We’ve had clients in the past tell us how poorly this first divorce talk went—husbands who make the talk all about their own feelings, their pain, and who leave little room for the kids to talk.

You know your family and you know why you are divorcing your soon-to-be Ex. Trust your instincts, measure your unique situation, and figure out what needs to be done.

4. Try to have regular check-ins with your kids and see how they are doing throughout your divorce journey. Let them know that you are open to hearing whatever their thoughts and feelings are, without resentment or judgement And that you will try to explain as best you can without putting the burden of personal information (like an affair or a list of their father’s flaws) on them.

5. Remind your children that they are loved by both you and their father throughout the divorce process and continue to do so after—when settling down into your new life. This might seem cliché, but depending on the age of your children and the state of your marriage prior to your divorce, this whole experience may be quite surprising for them and shake the foundation of love and support they thought they had.

Remind your children that your divorce has nothing to do with your love for them nor your Ex’s love for them. This can help your children get over their initial shock.


If figuring out how to break it to your children is just the tip of the iceberg as you consider or begin divorce, learn about Annie’s Group and how you can get the support you need for your next smartest and healthiest steps.


6. Make sure your kids have a strong support network during the divorce—outside of you and your Ex. Have the kids visit with family members. Make sure they feel comfortable talking to their friends and knowing they can have a life independent of your divorce and your needs. You want your kids to have safe spaces and safe people they can turn to during this stressful time in their life.

7. Keep in mind that, whether you initiated your divorce or not, you still have more power and more control over the situation than your children do, which makes things easier for you to process than your children. Even if you don’t really fully understand the reasons for your divorce, you have a better sense of what happened because you lived it.

Sometimes your kids will resent you—sometimes it may even feel like they hate you. But that’s okay. It has to be. Just like you, your children are in pain and stressed, but they may lack the maturity to get through this period of their lives without lashing out or shutting down. It’s your job to suck it up and take one for the team. It’s your job to support your kids, to reinforce that they are loved, and to remind them that you are still a family.

Coparenting post-divorce

8. You might be excited—elated, even, to leave your old life behind—to move on or still grieving, but your kids are likely to be stressed, shocked, or even resist a possible relocation. Not only do your kids have to get used to two different households, they have to get used to two entirely new places filled with new people and, possibly, new rules. This, combined with the stress of the divorce, is a lot for children to handle.

Be sure to let your children know that you understand why a new move is difficult for them and try to reassure them that they can still participate in the same activities and keep in touch with their old friends as well as make new ones. Encourage your kids to share their anxieties and concerns about the move, and reassure them that you and their father will be there to support them through it.

9. While you want your kids to be open and feel comfortable telling you what happens at their father’s house, don’t force your kids to be messengers or to spy on your Ex. Some kids will want to tell you everything, and some don’t.

After your kids visit with their father, make basic conversation starters like “did you have a good time?” If your kids want to talk, they’ll talk. If they don’t want to talk, don’t push them. Sometimes kids want to be left alone. If you have a strong coparenting relationship, hopefully your Ex will let you know if there’s anything noteworthy going on when he has the kids.

10. Sometimes, however, kids do have behavioral issues after returning from their other parent’s house, because or despite of the coparenting relationship you have with your Ex. Children take time to adjust between two different households. Kids can compartmentalize their world but only so much, and sometimes the stress of moving between households causes a temporary state of aggravation that will pass as they readjust to being home with you.

One of our clients shared that “the first 24-48 hours were the roughest…it was like they were carrying the aggression from their other household into mine. It took more time than I would have liked, but the children did eventually calm down and readjust to the atmosphere in our home. I came to expect this buffer period as normal.”

11. To be a rock for your kids pre-, post-, or mid-divorce know that you will need someone on your side to help support you as well. This help can come from a close friend group, your family members, or a divorce coach who has helped women like you navigate this challenge. While your friends and family might want to help you through the divorce process, they might not have the experience nor expertise to guide you along the right path.The more confused you are throughout your divorce, the more confused your children will be.

12. Seek outside support for your kids. You can ask their school or public librarians for books specifically to help children through a divorce, or you can ask their guidance counselor at school if there are any activities or special groups to help children with divorced parents. You can also talk to the school or even an outside psychologist to work with your kids or to work with you on a recovery strategy for your kids.

13. Make sure to look for books on divorce that are age-appropriate for your kids, with or without the help of a librarian. It’s important to sit down with your kids, read these books, and be there to help them process their feelings and to clarify anything they might want to ask. Divorce books can’t heal your kids on their own—most of these books work best when you are there to help guide the healing process along.

14. As tempting as it may be—as much as you may want to call your Ex out on ditching the kids for yet another weekend visit, or curse him under your breath for some new low he’s stooped to on social media—do not disparage your children’s other parent. Even, and this is a really hard even, if he has disparaged you in front of your kids. Teach your children it’s inappropriate to talk about other people in that way, and that you’ll talk to their other parent about the matter. Do not sink to his level.

15. Try to actually use the word coparenting, as awkward as that might feel at first. Going from a parent to a coparent is a major step in recognizing your divorce from the person you thought was your lifetime partner. Using the word coparenting signals that you are looking to work with your Ex to make sure your kids have the love and support they need from both households.

Sometimes your Ex will have needs that push up against yours, but that’s what compromise is for. For instance, say your Ex’s friend gave him tickets and a timeshare so that he and the kids can go to Disneyworld for the first time ever, only that family vacation would fall on your birthday. This might hurt you, but in the long run, it’s likely it wasn’t an intentional slight. The experience would help your children bond with your Ex post-divorce, and, quite frankly, give you a break from parenting and time to yourself.

What is right for your kids might sometimes come at the expense of your own feelings, but that territory comes with the job of coparenting after divorce.

16. Speaking of weekends, a great way to coparent is to communicate through a neutral platform that also shares a calendar with your Ex, one that not only notes who has the kids at what time but also special school events, activities, doctor’s appointments, and so on. If you have a specific schedule your kids follow that you find helpful, include that to show your Ex what you do when you’re with the kids that seems to work really well. You never know—your Ex might surprise you and adopt your schedule as a model for their own.

17. You cannot control your Ex’s behavior, even when it comes to your kids. You can talk to your Ex about it, shout about it, text about it, send long emails about it, and so on, but unless a court has deemed his behavior dangerous or declared your Ex an unfit parent, his actions are out of your hands. What you can do is talk to your children about how their other parent’s behavior is affecting them and see if there’s anything you can do to help.

18. If your coparenting relationship is difficult or is going through a rough patch, repeat this as your morning mantra: “I cannot do anything about what happened, but I can have a major impact on now, tomorrow, this month, and next year.” Research into parenting and divorce shows that how you react to things that effect your children (such as your Ex missing visitation) can help your kids process what is happening and teach them either healthy or unhealthy coping mechanisms. If your reaction in the moment, even to bad or shocking news, is calm, cool, logical, compassionate, and collected, your kids will learn the same behaviors from you.

19. Once you and your Ex are living in separate households, make sure you have a trusted family member, friend, or a neighbor close by who has a spare set of keys to your house and can check in on your kids from time to time if you get held up at work, stuck in traffic, or delayed on a trip. This helps reinforce that the kids have multiple people in their lives who love and support them and gives you someone to fall back on.

20. Be flexible with holidays and special occasions. While it’s good to keep up past traditions, it’s also not a bad thing to put your own spin on a holiday after divorce and to make the experience unique for you and your kids in this new stage of their life. You and your Ex will create new traditions with your kids. Sometimes these changes can come out of necessity—you might have less time and money to spend—but that doesn’t mean you can’t create something during the holidays that makes your kids feel loved and valued.

Above all, know that it’s okay to make mistakes

You are not Super Mom, and you shouldn’t expect yourself to be a perfect parent all of the time. Don’t hold it against yourself. One of our clients shared that, soon after her divorce, she ordered special monogramed bags for her kids that they could bring with them from house to house. She thought it’d be a nice gesture, but her kids looked at the monogram and just saw a reminder of their broken family. Even our best intentions can backfire. Forgive yourself, talk to your children, and find a way to move forward together.

Know that, no matter how your coparenting relationship turns out, your kids with your support will one day grow up into the happy and healthy adults you knew they could be. That those adults will see the efforts you’ve put forth throughout their life. Most of the time, insight takes age. Even if you’re parenting a teen through a divorce and they seem mature, a teen is not an adult and may not yet recognize the pitfalls and traps of navigating a coparenting relationship—or what you as their mother have really survived and triumphed through. Stay committed to them and you Mama Bear. Stay strong.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your free, 45-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

*At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

Woman contemplating getting divorce

10 Critical Things I Wish I’d Known Before Getting Divorced

When you go through a catastrophe like a life-crisis alone, the ground shakes. You lose your bearings as the tectonic plates of your routine and What’s Always Been crack and shift. As you struggle to gain footing, you realize you don’t know what else is coming, what else you’ll be faced with.

You simply don’t know what else you don’t know.

Getting divorced is like that, one full-blown life crisis where your “normal” breaks and collides with splintering parts—not only with what’s happening outside you with your partner, family, friends and work—but inside too, with your mind, body, and heart in spiraling conflict. Sometimes it seems like stress alone is the only rope keeping these disparate pieces together—stress is the one constant as you try with all your might to get through and beyond.

But once things begin to settle and you start to emerge from the heat and protracted legal process, and you arrive on the other side, starting to live on your own, you often find yourself looking back, instead of forward. For time gives you a chance to search for reasons now, lessons that explain how you got here, and what’s more, what’s good about this new place, if anything.

Sometimes you’ll wish, “Ah, if only I’d known this before while going through my divorce.”

Hard-won lessons, below are a few that resonate with me, a divorced woman and divorce coach. Between my personal story and professional experiences hearing from other women, I’ve learned of many such epiphanies, Eureka moments that only reveal themselves farther down the divorce road. So, for those of you struggling — thinking about or navigating divorce — I share a few as a way of giving you perspective on what else you don’t know and can’t know based on your today.

Here are 10 essential lessons WE divorced women want you to know … not after the fact … but right now!

1. Eventually “New Rules” will rule

When you live one way for a long period of time—as in a marriage—you forget there are other ways of living. It’s a feeling not unlike traveling to a new country or immersing yourself in a foreign culture—you don’t realize how trapped you’ve become by familiar patterns and behaviors, things you can do and things you cannot, until you’ve stepped off the plane. As I stepped out of a former life, I discovered I’d be letting go of an entire worldview that, consciously or not, had been dictated by my Ex. That worldview (even my rebellion to or acceptance of it) had dominated my life. Until it didn’t.

After getting divorced, I could begin again. I could create and make something else, a world ruled by my values. A place of peace, laughter, and the occasional shrimp cocktail (my Ex was allergic to shell fish). A place where I wanted to live. A place that genuinely existed. A place where there were New Rules.

2 . Don’t strictly rely on a lawyer

Diversify your insights. Get feedback from various strategic people as you go through your divorce. It’s too easy to get caught up in your own emotions and to keep telling your story the way you always have. The story can become like cinder blocks tied to your feet, dragging you down and preventing you from moving forward. Make sure you speak to multiple someones—who can help you understand the process (the legal, the financial, AND the emotional journey)—so you protect and take care of yourself. People who understand divorce can make the burden you’re carrying feel lighter and make you feel less alone. They can help you see what you are unable to see, or even know what to look for.

Even more importantly, take steps to do this in the healthiest possible way so you and your family will heal. This means knowing whom it’s okay to unload on and how much they can realistically handle before you overstep. Your friends, family members, and colleagues might be great shoulders to lean on, yes, but they are not therapists or divorce coaches. As well-intentioned as they may be, they often give you advice based on their own or someone else’s story. Not yours.

3. You will lose

I thought I’d be losing a mate as a result of getting divorced. I had no idea I’d be losing so much more—friends, people who I thought were friends, extended family members, and acquaintances who stopped “seeing” me. Beyond people, I’d also lose a way of living. A lifestyle. I’d lose a way of being.

I also discovered the flip side. This long list of loss would usher in a cleansing. And in the wake of loss, there opened up a new space for all the incoming positive people and things my soul genuinely desired and especially needed.

4. It’s how you leave your marriage that will hurt your kids the most

Even if you have a history of high emotions and conflict in the house, understand it’s all about how you and your husband* behave now that will impact your kids the most. This is the reason to try to keep it civil, or restore civility and respect, as you struggle through divorce and do everything possible to recover from it.

You’ll want to learn about “good coparenting,” best suggestions and tools for boundaries, all directed to keep you and your children (and your soon-to-be Ex) sane and healthy. The fact is that if you are a mother, the father of your children will never entirely disappear. (So, you’ll edit that “loss” from your list above.) Chances are, your Ex will always be in your life to some extent. How you reframe this relationship is key for your children and their divorce recovery.

5. Now’s the time to learn about your financials

In particular, you want to find out what you own and what you owe—but don’t let NOT knowing these answers keep you from getting divorced. You can still find out or identify the people who can help you read statements and documents so you understand what you have and what your choices in life really are. Get fully informed before you start making decisions. And commit to the idea that once you are independent you will begin learning more about protecting and growing your money.

6. Figure out ways to generate income for yourself

Some women leave their marriages with full-time careers while others find themselves reentering the workforce or fearing that they will have to. If you find yourself lumped into the latter groups, step one is to stop telling yourself you are unemployable because it’s simply not true.

There are too many jobs out there to count, and every one of them requires something different of each of us. Take baby steps, if need be, but volunteer, hire a job coach, learn about iRelaunch, go back to school, start your own freelance business with a partner. Make a plan to support yourself and, in turn, seek the support you need to make it happen.

7. You can’t figure everything out in advance of getting divorced

Nor do you need to have everything figured out to move forward. It is a blessing to have search engines like Google in our lives, but it’s also a curse. Google makes us believe we can solve everything if only we research it well enough, if only we type in the magic keywords!

Phooey—at some point you have to get specific feedback about your personal circumstances from experts who deal with divorce and not just whatever articles, Facebook groups, and mind-numbing blog posts and forums you stumble across.

I get it—you’re scrappy. You can teach yourself nearly anything. But you are not a divorce attorney and you can’t become one fast enough.

8. What’s waiting for you is probably bigger and better than anything you can imagine right now

I can’t tell you what’s in store for you after getting divorced, and even if I could, women like me living on the other side of divorce know our words could never do it justice. What we can say is that when women like you face your fears and move through them, you are capable of nearly anything! We know women who after getting divorced recreated careers based on buried dreams, and women who have found happiness in their new freedom and sense of peace. We’ve met women who were scared to death about being alone only to find their figurative dance cards full and that their friends, some of them long lost, were waiting with open arms.

Remember why ending your marriage happened. And know that your future is better than you can even think possible. Trust us.

9. You must learn what being “healed” from divorce will look like

There will come a time when you must evaluate the role you played in getting divorced so you can truly heal yourself and stop blaming your Ex for everything that went wrong and for the hellish journey you’ve been through. The earlier on in your divorce that you confront this the better—it’s a necessary step for moving forward, for growing. It’s what true healing looks like.

10. You can let it go now

That Little Voice in your head? The one keeping you in a dark corner, feeling especially stupid and unloved? You can let it go. Because you’ll discover that divorce has a way of breaking you open, and as you watch all your messy insides spill out, you’ll eventually get to choose which parts of yourself you’ll keep and which you’ll toss into the heap. Your shame? Your guilt? Your regrets? Let it all go. None of it has ever served you anyway, except for now, as a marker symbolizing your critical turning point.

Going forward, take heart and practice intention. We know you don’t want to just divorce your husband—you want to end your marriage in the healthiest way. But that takes more than simply wanting something. It takes preparation and action. This is your life. This is your children’s future. Get a map, yes, but then take the wheel and steer.

 

Change the course of your life — AFTER DIVORCE!

Paloma’s Group™: Learning the Art of Reinvention.

For newly independent women, post-divorce. Over the course of (only) 3 months, each group-class ​builds on a core theme required to ​design a life you deserve. Schedule a free 45-minute coaching session to explore (and experience) how this remarkable group of post-divorce women will plan and act on creating a life they love.  

We promise — whether you join us for Paloma or not  — you’ll walk away from your complimentary coaching-session discovering a next step in your unique After Divorce journey. 

“We choose not to do it alone.” ~ SAS for Women

 

*At SAS for Women, we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.