5 Common Causes of an Unhappy Marriage
You don’t suddenly realize you have an unhappy marriage; this realization happens over time. Of course, denial plays a part. It’s hard to face that the honeymoon is over and you’re unhappy with the status quo when you’ve invested time, built a life together, and maybe brought children into this world. In hindsight I can tell when things started going awry in my own marriage; I used to lie in bed in my daughter’s room every night and dream of living with her somewhere else – just the two of us.
By then, there were clear signs that I needed to leave. But when you have a 4-year-old child, you try to put bandages on your wounds – and on hers. With blinders on, it’s easier to manage your daily life.
However, this does not happen to everyone. Read further before you decide you can’t fix your unhappy marriage.
An Unhappy Marriage: The First Steps to Take
Don’t compare your marriage to your job. It’s easy to leave your workplace if you’re unhappy or if you’ve been given a better offer. This doesn’t apply in a marriage; in this case, you should try and make it work. And if you’re not prepared to try or feel there’s no hope, divorce may be the answer.
Try to sort your problems out together through a temporary separation or marriage counseling. If you seek counseling, and you both are willing to work on the marriage, you may be able to rebuild or reach a liveable compromise. If you separate for a while, you may find that being without your partner isn’t what you expected; you miss being part of a couple. Or, au contraire, you feel like you have space at last, you feel peace.
Check out “5 Things to Know in a Controlled Separation.”
Additionally, kids can find the separation difficult. Separation from one parent means there’s a change in their routine, so they feel insecure. Of course, if separation will be the outcome anyway, this is a good way for them to get used to their new future. But it won’t be easy. I’ve said it before, and I reiterate: a loving, secure one-parent family is far better than a situation where both parents argue constantly and the children are unhappy and insecure.
Consider reading “20 Spot On Steps for How to Coparent Pre and Post Divorce.”
A Separation During an Unhappy Marriage
Annie, 44, from Texas, describes the effect of her ‘temporary separation’ from her partner. The couple has twin 8-year-old boys. “The boys were used to their father going away for work a week every month, so our separation didn’t affect their lives much. Also, having twins made it much easier. They are always together, so they are seldom lonely. Their lives are pretty busy with school and extra-curricular activities.
“On weekends, they were busy with all sorts of activities. Some weekend evenings, they’d notice their father’s absence, as when their dad was home, we’d get take-outs, watch movies together, or enjoy lazy family dinners. After a couple of months, the twins were used to living without their dad, so when we made the split permanent, it didn’t come as a shock.”
Overcoming an Unhappy Marriage
According to a recent Gallup study, American couples are happier when married compared to couples who live together and have not tied a legal knot. Marriage offers couples a sense of security.
But what happens when you’re in an unhappy marriage? Ideally, you should solve issues as a couple before your marriage ends in divorce. Sit down and discuss how to fix what’s broken. Many couples find counseling is the best way to do this.
Here are some of the signs of an unhappy marriage:
- You argue a lot
- You’re not intimate anymore
- You’re both happier when you’re apart
- You both find reasons not to do things as a couple.
5 Reasons for an Unhappy Marriage
1. An unfaithful partner
It’s hard to forgive your partner when one of you has been unfaithful, and also difficult to trust them again, even if they do apologize and promise it was a once-off situation.
Consider reading “Surviving Infidelity: Should You Stay or Should You Go?”
2. Attraction dwindles
Maybe there’s a loss of attraction because one partner has been unfaithful; perhaps it’s caused by medical reasons. Menopause in women and erectile dysfunction in men can cause a lack of physical attraction. You should discuss the problem and try and find a way to solve it.
3. Financial problems
Reasons here could include one partner losing their job, or both partners working but still unable to make ends meet, or one partner feeling saddled with a disproportionate financial responsibility.
One SAS client, a hardworking nurse we’ll call Joan, shares that her husband stopped working 15 years ago and refused to look for a job ever since. Throughout this time, he’s maintained the façade with friends and extended family that he is working with. When Joan asked him in the early years when he was going back, he told her it was none of her business. Joan knows he probably has psychological blocks or challenges with going back to work, but her husband was never willing to get help. To add to her stress, her husband has a violent temper; she never knows when he’s going to lose it. Well, Joan is reaching her own breaking point, and after the holidays she plans on letting him know that she wants a divorce.
No matter their format, financial issues can lead to conflict. To get beyond the challenges, a couple has to work together, perhaps with a financial consultant and a counselor to get to the route of the issues and solve them.
4. Jealousy
If you are insecure, you can be jealous of your partner for various reasons. Perhaps you’re envious because your partner has better working hours and more free time than you do, even though you look after the kids. He enjoys various activities while you are stuck cooking, cleaning, and minding the children. Perhaps he makes more money than you do. You can resolve these issues if you communicate and work together.
5. You’re not compatible
Indeed, opposites are often attracted to each other; this can also cause marital problems. Enter your marriage with an open mind, despite any differences in opinions you may have. Accept your partner, faults, and all. Remember: leopards don’t change their spots, you can try as hard as you like, but you can’t change your partner to be the person you want them to be.
When sex is the issue… Check out our article on The Real Impact of a Sexless Marriage on Women.
Your Unhappy Marriage Doesn’t Have to End in Divorce
If you’re prepared to work together to fix things, there are ways to overcome an unhappy marriage. You may have to work hard, but if you BOTH refuse to give up, you two can work things out and save your union.
It’s important to be positive if you want to make your marriage work. This involves teamwork and plenty of time. But all the time and effort you put in now can save your marriage, and make it stronger.
Teamwork is dream work. It involves both partners taking each other’s side and learning to agree when you disagree. If you agree that both are prepared to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work, you’re halfway there. With teamwork, you can keep your marriage alive.
Are you deciding whether to stay or to go? Read “Overthinking When to Leave Your Husband”.
Conclusion
A happy marriage doesn’t have to be an unfulfilled dream. You can make it a reality if you’re prepared to work together. Both partners must put in lots of work to fix what’s broken. So don’t give up. Keep on trying. When you do something this important together, you can rebuild your marriage. You can build something beautiful.
NOTES
Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com
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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”
