Divorced Mom: 5 Things I’ve Learned Since Getting Divorced

Many people talk about ‘the 10,000 Hour Rule’, which describes how it takes 10,000 hours to master a skill and call yourself an expert in that skill. Well, after living for 29 years as a divorced mom, I think I have the right to pat myself on the back. I am an expert.

Being a divorced mom isn’t easy. It takes lots of resilience, willpower, and grit – even after 29 years!  Certainly, some days, weeks, and even months have been extremely difficult. But as I look back now, I know the results are worth it.

Lessons I Learned As a Divorced Mom

When you are a divorced mom with kids, there are plenty of hardships, and if you’re divorced without kids, it’s another story entirely – I can’t begin to imagine what that must be like. For me, being a mother was the most uplifting, life-changing journey. From the moment I welcomed my firstborn after just one and a half hours of labor, I changed, and so did every aspect of my life.

I remember those first months as a blur. I had no time to consider anything else but her. As the days passed, I realized it was unlikely I’d ever put myself first again. Before having a child, I had been quite self-involved, but I found little time for that afterward. My baby was colicky and irritable. She likely picked up my confusion and uncertainty about my being a first-time mother. She was demanding and all-consuming.

Motherhood in the Midst of Marital Crisis

Moving forward to the time she was four years old, about the same time I realized my marriage was falling apart and that divorce was the only answer, I didn’t come to the decision easily. Who does? Top of my mind was my concern about how my child would cope if I went through with the divorce. Not fully committed but still thinking about divorce, I started seeking answers to my fears. I remember taking my daughter to a child psychologist, who pointed out that she was already used to living alone with me. Months earlier, I had moved into her room, and she seemed quite content with the situation.

I found being a mom on the brink of divorce emotional and wildly distressing. I put my little one first in every situation. She was my priority, of course, and I knew these were her formative years. I wanted her to grow up to be emotionally strong, so I did everything I could to make sure that she was happy and healthy. It was tough countering the reality that was in the house.

Then, when my Ex was drunk one Sunday afternoon, and hit me while I was holding my sensitive, vulnerable four-year-old, I had no choice. She was terrified and shocked, and I couldn’t bear listening to her panicked sobs. That was the deciding moment. There was no more waffling or over-analyzing to be done It was time to end my toxic marriage before my Ex could cause any more damage.

It’s Hard Being a Divorced Mom

Honestly, I found it much easier being a single divorced mom than it was living on eggshells in the marriage. I was calmer and felt more in control than when living in an explosive situation with an alcoholic. I believe that with my being more centered and pulled together, my daughter also grew more secure and blossomed. She remained the focus of my life as I strove to make our life full, happy, and close-knit. Today, when I look at her, as a young woman, I know she reaped the benefits of my decision and commitment to her.

Every divorced mom handles her situation differently. A colleague of mine at the time, Sarah, who’d immigrated from the UK, behaved very differently. Whereas I was happy to be a homebody and fuss over my little one, Sarah had been thrown out of her nest by her Ex, and she wanted to rebel. I remember attending her birthday party and watching aghast as she misbehaved. I understood her feelings – she felt deserted and bereft. She desperately wished to feel beautiful and desired. But I couldn’t bear watching her drunken antics. We didn’t socialize much after that incident. It was too painful, I think, for both of us.

The 5 Things I’ve Learned Since Getting Divorced

Let’s face facts: Being a divorced mom is heart-wrenching and difficult. There were days when I thought matters couldn’t get worse when I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry because it was so tough. Luckily, there were also days when everything was peachy, and those were the times when I gathered my strength to carry on. I hope that what I learned throughout my journey will help you as you tackle your own.

1. Accept Priorities & Roles Will Change

There’s no getting around this. You will have to be an adult and sometimes embody the roles of multiple adults. When I was married, my husband owned our house, not me. He looked after mortgage payments and took responsibility for the garden and all odd jobs regarding home and pool maintenance, painting, and plumbing. When I got divorced, I bought a little house for my daughter and me. Now, all those responsibilities of looking after and maintaining our home were mine. Through the years, I’ve overcome various ordeals, from a burst geyser to when the ceiling collapsed after a heavy storm.

There was nobody to call when a huge spider paid us a visit, or when the cat fell into the pool. Those incidents stuck with me, as they underscored that I was completely alone and totally responsible. Everything was up to me. My priorities were clear: I needed to look after my daughter and make sure she was happy and secure – just as content as her friends at school, many of whom lived in two-parent families. And I had to keep working professionally. I had to make sure we had money.

Finding Joy in the Chaos of Responsibility

It was not all hardship. As a little two-person family, we had a great time; our social life was busy, packed with school friends, family, and neighbors. I used to organize little adventures for the two of us on weekends and holidays, memorable events that created happy memories we look back on to this day.

There were so many good times… Fun sleepovers where my little one and her friends would finally go to sleep in the living room after enjoying movies, popcorn, games, and lots of laughter. Dressing up for Halloween, followed by over-eating our treats. Hunting for Easter eggs in the garden and the dog finding more than we did. Decorating the Christmas tree while being disturbed by what we thought was Santa having his milk and cookies, only to find a little mouse nibbling happily on the specially prepared Santa Snack. Yes, I had to be an adult so much of the time. But there were moments when I could savor what it was to be a child again and discover the world through her eyes.

2. Life Is Different From What You Expect

That wasn’t a bad thing, either! When you’re a single divorced mom, life is going to be different than what you ever imagined. On some days, I had to step out of my comfort zone and become the life of the party to uplift our spirits. On other days, I really wanted to hide under the blankets, but instead, I had to rally and weather the storm. All of the responsibility fell on my shoulders, and I had to try to be positive. There was no escape plan, nobody to share the burden of stress or the little things like homework and school projects. I had no one to turn to when money ran out.

One time, I had food poisoning and had to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night. Thankfully, my kind neighbor stepped in to babysit while I was gone. Then, when my daughter was eight, she did a backflip into our pool and missed. After the anguish of rushing her to the Emergency Room, I spent the night watching over her to make sure she was OK, as it was a Saturday night and the plastic surgeon was busy. He only patched up her head the following morning.

When she was 15, she broke up with a boyfriend, and I was called out of a business meeting to dry her eyes. And then there was the time when I got fired as a waitress for dropping a plate of food… The list is endless!

Balancing Tough Moments with Tender Memories

But there were always other times to balance the challenges out. We loved our beach vacations, lying on the sand under an umbrella and watching the dolphins frolic in the waves. I remember Saturday afternoons munching snacks, savoring delightful Disney movies, and other times, playing dress-up on rainy Sundays. I still giggle about the time I taught her about the birds and the bees, and she was delighted to recount to all and sundry that her parents only had to have sexual intercourse once, as she was an only child.

3. There’s a Difference Between Being Alone & Feeling Lonely

I learned this difference early on. As I adapted and managed as a single divorced mom, I began to revel in the times I could be alone and binge-watch a TV series without interruption, or read a book until the wee hours. Nobody told me it was time for bed, to get out of the bath because I was being selfish, or stop gossiping on the phone, or to switch off the light. My time was my own. I was a single divorced mom, yes, but I was also a strong, independent woman. There were times I wished I had a partner to keep me company sometimes.

I especially yearned for a partner whenever I had to change a lightbulb or handle my child’s deafening tantrum by myself. When times were tough, I had friends with whom to discuss minutiae. But those times were outweighed by the moments of joy and closeness my daughter and I shared in our tight little family. This woman’s experience of the sweetness of living alone after divorce resonated with me, which is why I have included it here for you to read.

4. You Can Rewrite Your Script

As one of thousands (millions?) divorced moms, I found like so many others that my life was just me and my child. The divorce crisis eventually dissipated, and things regained a balance for us. In the end, we didn’t remember any other way of being. For us, it was just the two of us and at least two cats, not to mention all of our friends and family. To you I say, forgive yourself when you stumble or when you make a mistake. Make each day a new beginning with special time spent together. Don’t beat yourself up when you can’t compete with so-called conventional, two-parent families. 

If you have to work hard to make ends meet, strive to honor your weekends with a simple adventure or outing for you and the kids. I don’t think we ever felt we missed out on being part of a bigger family. My daughter had the most incredible godmother and godfather, who included us on vacations and religious holidays. We never felt left out, alone, or not included. And we never, ever felt different. I think in many ways today when we look back, we feel lucky.

5. Always Search for a Glimmer

Look for the good in all your experiences. It’s a wonderful lesson for our children. It’s a given that we are all going to be hit with challenges, crises, and tragedies in our lives. We can focus on them or we can choose to do otherwise. We can shift and focus on the sun. I appreciate all the glimmers of hope and opportunity – those golden moments, slivers of absolute joy. I have a treasure trove of glimmers, little instances when I felt and fell today complete happiness. Over the years, they have replaced those unhappy marriage memories that used to haunt me.

Little things created glimmers – how the clouds parted and rays of light shone on my favorite garden plant; how the cat snuggled up on a cold night; how my daughter looked at me with so much love as I opened her homemade gift on my birthday; how I suddenly saw light at the end of the winding tunnel…Grab these glimmers and run with them. They are the secret to your finding more and a happy life as a divorced mom.

Conclusion

To recap without being long-winded, the 5 things I learned from being a divorced mom are:

• Accept your priorities and roles will change
• Life will never be what you expected
• Understand the difference between being alone and lonely
• You can rewrite your script
• Always search for a glimmer

In a nutshell, divorce recovery is about being positive and embracing change. I didn’t learn this overnight; some things are still a work in progress. And that’s despite calling myself an absolute expert divorced mom. 

So, my advice to you? Relax. Breathe. You can do this.

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com

 

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”