How to Date After Divorce and Know You’re Ready

How will I know?

That’s right, it’s the title of a Whitney Houston song, but also something many divorced women ask themselves when considering if they’re ready to start dating again. You could ask a hundred people the same question, and I guarantee you’d get a hundred different answers. If you’re anything like me, the very thought of a date after divorce made me feel sick to my stomach.

There was a time I thought I’d never be ready; my mantra was “trust no one.” I used to look into the mirror that hung over the fireplace and say it out loud whenever the moment took me. I wasn’t bitter… honest!

How to Date After Divorce

What exactly do I mean by how to date? Whatever your individual take on dating is, to my mind there are two types. Casual dating makes me think that it’s just a bit of fun, maybe even intimacy, with no strings attached, and without the slightest hint of forming a long-lasting relationship. And then there’s the hope that you are looking for that ultimate life partner.

Personally, I’ve always viewed dating as being more exclusive. So, my focus in this article will be on dating from my personal perspective. I am sorry. I am me!

My goal was to meet someone and see how compatible we were, and maybe … form a lifelong partnership. This understanding obviously involves some form of commitment. So before you arrange to meet up for that drink, it might be a good idea to make sure you’re both on the same page and looking for the same things in life.

What Do You Actually Want From Dating?

By the way, “What are you looking for?” is a classic question one encounters on dating apps. If you know what you want, that’s great. Say it. If you don’t want to be pinned down, you might say “I am open and exploring.”  Since I am referencing dating apps here, I might add that some apps encourage you to choose a category for what you are looking for: “Short term.” “Long term.” “Fun only.” “Still figuring it out.” Because the dating app creators know it’s important to start off with an understanding of where the other is coming from. Of course, those dating apps are not the only way to meet people, but they are certainly popular these days and do have their value. More on dating apps, and how else to meet people, including the infamous blind date, I’ll discuss later!

If you’ve been wondering how to date again after divorce, like most things, there’s no definitive answer. Even Psych Central(opens in new tab) says there is no definitive time, no black and white time table that gives you permission to go back out there, and no specific way to do it.

The main thing to keep in mind is being honest with yourself:

• What do you want from a date?
• Do you feel ready to take that first step?

I was in my mid-forties, slightly overweight, and the experience of divorce had left me pretty wrung out. I felt deeply unattractive with nothing worthwhile to give. Who on earth would want me?

Rebuilding Yourself Before You Start Dating

In the months and years following my divorce, I learned a lot. It had been years since I had spent any time alone, and it took some getting used to at first. But I surprised myself. I managed quite well after the first year—thrived, in fact. I found that being alone at that time was actually good for me.

What did I do? I pursued dreams I’d always had but never realized, creative projects, and long-held ambitions. I left the divorce behind and traveled solo(opens in new tab) and other times, with groups of divorced women.  I started exercising and got slim, even managing to get back into my old size 8 jeans; and yes, it felt damned good!  I reconnected with fabulous female friends I’d somehow lost during my marriage, and I met and cultivated new ones. I discovered that in so many ways, my relationships with other women fulfilled me tremendously. They inspired me, and even helped me connect with who I really was, deep down after all the hurt.  They make me laugh!

Consider reading and checking off “100 Must-Do’s for the Newly Divorced Independent Woman”.(opens in new tab)

My confidence, which had taken a severe beating in the marriage, started to grow along with my self-belief. I achieved things under my own steam, not by reliance on a man, but with results that were all my own. There were times when I felt that there was nothing I couldn’t do if I ever put my mind to it.  And I learned that the art of reinvention after divorce for women(opens in new tab), and probably everyone, was utterly dependent on our individual self-discovery. My recreation was something I discovered step by step by being bold and trying new things.

How Long to Wait to Date After Divorce?

The question: how long should you wait to date after divorce isn’t an exact science and can be a complicated one. The best advice I can give is don’t set yourself a time limit. Allow yourself time to heal. And don’t let pressure, blatant or perceived, from anyone else force your decisions one way or another. What will they think? It’s only been three months; or conversely, I need to make a start; people will begin to think I’m a bit weird.

I think one of the important lessons of divorce is to lose caring what other people think.

I’d seen other people start dating relatively quickly after a divorce, before the divorce decree’s ink is even dry.

But I’m not other people; I needed time—lots of it.

My decision to start dating wasn’t like some miraculous epiphany, where I woke up one morning and decided “I’m ready!” It happened gradually, without fanfare.

The one thing I definitely didn’t want to do was to start dating as a way to get over the trauma of my marriage breakup and divorce. I think this fear held me back for quite some time. I’d seen it happen a few times with others, and seldom had it worked out well.

At the risk of starting to date too early, I needed to get back to being me. Being my own person, without the extra baggage I’d picked up along the way. But with every year that passed, I had a growing sense that my future was becoming more cemented into a life of singleness. There was a part of me that was perfectly okay with that. While another part of me was getting curious.

Signs You May Be Ready to Date Again

Although I was unaware of it at the time, looking back, there were changes in my behavior. I’d unconsciously dropped my motto of “trust no one.” Instead, when I happened to catch my reflection in the mirror, I was much more positive. “Looking good,” I might say to myself.  Or if I’d redecorated the bathroom, “You know, you’re pretty good at this. You’ve got style!”

It dawned on me that before I was ready to love someone else, I needed to love myself again … first. That was perhaps the initial turning point for me. I’d also stopped hating my Ex.

Letting Go of the Past

I know hate’s a strong word, but I can’t think of an alternative. Either way, I knew that even negative feelings toward someone still amounted to feelings for someone—that there must still be some residual emotions floating around inside. But now, when I happened to bump into him and his girlfriend in the supermarket, my smile was genuine, and not through gritted teeth; like I was saying hello to one of my neighbors, nothing more, nothing less. This too was another signal that I’d accepted the situation and was okay with it. Perhaps that I was becoming more open to the idea of romantic involvement on my side, and perhaps that one day I’d find room for someone new in my life. 

There were other influences at play, too. Work colleagues had realized that following my divorce, I had become quieter, less involved in conversation. I’d been living alone for a couple of years when I remember Lyndsey saying to me, “Isn’t it about time you started getting out a bit? You’re a singleton now.” Despite my newfound confidence, I’d been putting it off. I can even remember a throwaway statement from another friend that kind of stuck with me; realizing my reluctance to start dating again, they said, “You never know, you might just start enjoying yourself.” 

Which made me think that perhaps I was punishing myself unnecessarily.

Trying Online Dating for the First Time

My closest friend Nicola persuaded me to join a dating website. I resisted at first but caved in after a few days. I answered all the questions while she typed in my details.  Wow, with tears rolling down our cheeks, did we ever laugh as we were filling out the answers! I would’ve never been brave enough to do it myself. I have to admit it was all very exciting, and I totally get the rationale behind it.

You could spend hours chatting to someone only to find out at the end of the evening they’re allergic to pets, they can’t stand them, and you’ve got two dogs, three cats, and a parrot! Whereas with online dating sites, your (and their) likes and dislikes, goals, and expectations can be viewed beforehand, saving precious time and potential disappointment. But the whole online dating thing wasn’t right for me; I guess I was—and still am—just too old-fashioned.

More on When to Date After Divorce

For a while, even after I felt I was ready to try dating again, I consciously held back. I was terrified of making the same mistakes twice. But my friends had helped boost my confidence, and my attitude had changed for the better. I now felt that I did have a lot to give, and that there was someone out there for me.

This time round I was a little older, and hopefully wiser, and definitely felt more in control. But still, I didn’t particularly go out of my way to find someone.

And then some friends of mine mentioned a friend of theirs who was in a similar situation to me. Intent on playing Cupid, they invited me to a barbecue where this friend of theirs just happened to be. We kind of got along, although it felt a little forced, and yes, I agreed to go out on a date. For the first time in years. It was okay, but not amazing. I didn’t need a second date. My experience had made me more choosy. My friend Andrea called it “picky.” And I’m grateful for that; I finally felt as if I were in the driving seat.  And I had a right to be discerning. It was okay to be warming up to the idea of dating and not lunge at the first Tim, Dan, or Huck Finn who comes along.

So, is my experience a common one? The question just does not go away. Because many women ask how soon after divorce should you date, I started asking around for other opinions and experiences. I wanted this article to not be entirely focused on me, me, me!

There Is No Universal Timeline for Dating Again

One woman said something that I found very interesting. When asked about fear and finding love on the rebound, she said, “I don’t think there is such a thing as ‘ready’. You finally get to a place where you’re healthy enough to try again. The last few pieces of your recovery fall into place when you eventually find that person.”

I think that’s an interesting perspective, but it doesn’t fit for me. I realized I can’t be looking to the world or to another for completion. I’ve got to be complete and healthy on my own first.  I need to be healed from my past. I can’t expect someone to make me feel complete or whole or finally fulfilled.  I just don’t think it works like that at all — especially after divorce. It’s actually that old trope that may have led me into an immature marriage in the first place.

Another woman probed, “But how long does it take to get over a divorce?(opens in new tab) How do you know you’re healed? Is there a certificate from a mental health professional I’ve been missing?”

Healing Looks Different for Every Woman

It seems to me it depends on the circumstances. We’re talking about dating following divorce, but it also depends on who wanted out of the marriage the most, and how long you’ve been separated. If you are recovering from an unwanted divorce, you have to go through a grieving process focused on healing after a divorce you didn’t want(opens in new tab) and to learn how to break free from the trauma that was that old story. That’s a very different divorce recovery(opens in new tab) from someone who wanted her divorce.

Another woman confessed: “We’d lived apart for two years, but I have this weird thing about breaking oaths. I didn’t want to start dating while we were separated but still legally married. Only when I’d signed the divorce papers did I start thinking about dating again.”

Is she wrong? I don’t think so. With me, it’d been nearly five years before something meaningful happened.

When Love Finds You Unexpectedly

My job at the time involved speaking to my company’s clients. One day, a new person answered the phone, and I just loved the way he sounded. He was friendly, funny, and there was just something in his voice. We would speak several times a week, and not just about work, but even talking about our favorite films or what kind of food we liked and disliked. I found myself looking forward to our little chats, which were, work-related or not related, often the highlight of my day.

I remember thinking back to something someone said to me years ago, before I’d ever been married, and I’ve never forgotten it. 

Finding someone can be like chasing that glorious and rare butterfly. Just as you get close, it flutters away out of reach. Tired, you sit down to rest, and just when you’re least expecting it, the same butterfly comes and settles down on your shoulder. 

I know it sounds a bit twee, but it’s true.

Because, out of the blue, this strong, attractive voice asked if we could meet up sometime. Our company rep later told me he’d enquired if I were single, and what kind of person I was. So strictly speaking I went on a blind date, but we’d already built up quite a good repertoire over the phone. And before I knew it, we’d become an item.

We’ve been together now for 15 years!

So, if you’re asking yourself, “How will I know?”

Trust me… you’ll know.

NOTES

Here at SAS, we know from our women’s work that when a Divorced Woman can step into a new relationship from a conscious, embodied place — self-informed and self-aware — the right relationship becomes inevitable.

Ziva’s Group is an adaptation of the Conscious Dating® framework specifically for women navigating dating after divorce.

For more information schedule the quick info chat by visiting here(opens in new tab).

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”