What Happens After You Serve Your Spouse Divorce Papers?

Once you have made the decision to file, one of the first questions you may have is, “What happens after you serve your spouse divorce papers?” You may feel relieved that you finally took action, anxious about how your spouse will react, or unsure about what comes next. You may even feel all of those things at once.

Serving the papers is an important legal step, but it is not the end of the divorce process. In many ways, it is the point where the process becomes very real. Your spouse now knows officially that a divorce case has been started, and there are legal deadlines, decisions, and conversations ahead.

There is also the emotional side of it, which does not follow the same neat timeline as the court process. You might feel strong one day and question everything the next.

That does not mean you made the wrong decision. It means you are going through a major change in your life.

Knowing what may happen next can help you feel a little less caught off guard.

The Official Process After Serving Divorce Papers

Although there are a lot of emotions involved, divorce is also a legal process. Once the divorce papers have been properly served, the next steps depend on where you live, how your spouse responds, and whether the two of you are able to reach agreements.

Divorce laws and court procedures differ from state to state, so there is no one exact sequence that applies to everybody.

Make sure the service was completed correctly

Serving divorce papers is more than simply handing your spouse documents.

Every state has rules about who may serve the papers, how they may be delivered, and what proof needs to be filed with the court afterward. In many states, the spouse who filed the divorce cannot personally serve the papers.

Once service has been completed, the person who served your spouse will usually complete a proof or affidavit of service. That document tells the court that your spouse received the papers according to the rules.

This step matters because your case generally cannot move forward until the court has proof that service was completed properly.

Your spouse will have time to respond

Once your spouse has been served, a response period begins.

The deadline depends on the state and sometimes on how or where the papers were served. For example, New York generally allows 20 days for someone served inside the state and 30 days when the person is served outside New York. California generally gives the responding spouse 30 days.

Do not assume the deadline in somebody else’s divorce applies to yours.

Your attorney, the court clerk, or your state court’s official website can tell you exactly what deadline applies in your case.

If your spouse files a response, the divorce moves forward with both of you participating in the case.

If your spouse does not respond by the deadline, you may be able to ask the court to proceed by default. However, a default does not necessarily mean that the judge immediately grants everything requested in your original papers. Additional financial disclosures, forms, and court requirements may still need to be completed.

This is one reason it is helpful to understand the rules where your divorce was filed rather than relying on general information you may have heard from someone else.

Do you need to hire a divorce attorney?

You are not legally required to hire an attorney for every divorce. Some people complete an uncontested divorce without one, particularly when the finances are simple, there are no major disputes, and both spouses agree on the important issues.

Still, there are many situations where getting legal advice makes sense.

If you have significant assets, a business, complicated finances, concerns about support or custody, or a spouse who is already fighting about the divorce, working with a knowledgeable family law attorney can help you understand your rights and avoid mistakes that may be difficult to undo later.

An attorney can also tell you what is likely to happen next based on the laws in your state.

The important thing is not simply to hire a lawyer because you feel you are “supposed to.” It is to understand what your situation actually requires and get the right kind of help.

What If Your Spouse Agrees With the Divorce?

If your spouse does not contest the divorce and the two of you can reach agreements about the important issues, the legal process may be more straightforward.

Those agreements may cover things such as:

• Division of property and debt
• Spousal support
• Child custody and parenting schedules
• Child support
• What happens to the marital home
• Retirement accounts and other assets

Even when the divorce is uncontested, paperwork still needs to be completed properly and approved by the court before the marriage is legally over.

You may be able to negotiate directly with your spouse, through your lawyers, or with the help of a mediator.

An uncontested divorce does not necessarily mean the two of you agree about everything from the beginning. It can simply mean that, by the end of the process, you have reached an agreement instead of asking a judge to make those decisions for you.

What If Your Spouse Contests the Divorce?

A contested divorce means there are issues the two of you have not been able to resolve.

That does not automatically mean you are going to trial.

There are often several steps before a case reaches that point. Depending on your state and your situation, these may include exchanging financial information, settlement discussions, mediation, conferences with the court, or negotiations between attorneys.

Many cases are resolved somewhere along that road.

If you and your spouse cannot reach an agreement on one or more major issues, however, a judge may eventually have to decide them.

That can make the process longer and more expensive, which is another reason to understand where compromise makes sense and where you need to protect your interests.

Mediation May Be One of the Next Steps

Mediation is commonly used during divorce to help couples resolve disagreements without asking a judge to decide everything.

A mediator is a neutral professional who helps both spouses discuss the issues and look for an agreement. The mediator does not represent either spouse and generally does not make decisions for you.

Mediation can be useful for discussing money, property, support, parenting schedules, and other parts of a divorce settlement.

It tends to work best when both people are willing to participate honestly and have enough power in the relationship to negotiate fairly.

It may not be appropriate in every case, particularly where there is abuse, coercive control, serious intimidation, hidden assets, or another major power imbalance. If you are unsure whether mediation makes sense for you, speak with an attorney or another qualified professional who understands your particular circumstances.

When Does the Divorce Become Final?

Serving your spouse is the beginning of the formal process, not the point when you become divorced.

Before the court issues a final judgment or divorce decree, the required legal issues need to be resolved.

That may happen through an agreement between you and your spouse, through mediation or negotiation, or through a judge’s decision when an agreement cannot be reached.

Some states also have mandatory waiting periods before a divorce can become final, even when both spouses agree.

Once the court approves the final paperwork and signs the divorce judgment or decree, the divorce becomes legally final according to the rules of that state.

At that point, make sure you obtain and safely keep a copy of the final decree. You may need it later when changing accounts, insurance, beneficiaries, property records, or other legal documents.

The Emotional Process After Serving Divorce Papers

The legal process has rules and deadlines.

Your emotions do not.

You may have expected to feel relieved after your spouse was served and then be surprised when sadness shows up instead. Or you may feel a huge sense of relief and then feel guilty for feeling relieved.

There is no required reaction.

For some women, serving divorce papers is the result of months or years of thinking about the marriage. By the time the documents are served, they have already been emotionally preparing for the end of the relationship for quite some time.

For others, the act of serving the papers is when the loss becomes real.

You might find yourself mourning the marriage even though you were the one who chose to end it.

Both can be true.

You can believe divorce is the right decision and still grieve what you are losing.

Your Spouse’s Reaction May Affect You Too

Another part of what happens after you serve your spouse divorce papers is dealing with his response.

He might be angry.

Even if the two of you have talked about divorce many times, he may still be shocked.

Or he may suddenly want to save the marriage.

Or he may respond with very little emotion at all.

You cannot completely control how your spouse reacts to being served. What you can control is how much access you give his reaction to your own decision-making.

If conversations quickly turn into fights, consider communicating through your attorneys or in writing when appropriate. If you have children together, try to keep conversations about parenting separate from arguments about the marriage whenever possible.

And if you are worried that your spouse may react violently or unpredictably, talk with your attorney and safety professionals before the papers are served so there is a plan in place.

Finding Support After Your Spouse Is Served

Once you are past the first third of the article and dealing with the actual day-to-day experience of divorce, this is often when support becomes especially important.

You may have trusted friends or family members who can listen without trying to tell you what to do. That can be enormously helpful.

But friends are not always equipped to answer questions about the legal, financial, or emotional parts of divorce.

If you are trying to understand the legal documents themselves, you may want to begin with SAS’s explanation of divorce papers(opens in new tab) and what they mean.

You may also choose to work with a therapist or divorce coach(opens in new tab), particularly if you are finding it difficult to separate your emotional reactions from the practical decisions you need to make.

And if you are already in the middle of the legal process, Frida’s Group(opens in new tab) is SAS for Women’s live virtual coaching and support program specifically for women going through divorce or legal separation.

The point is not to build an enormous team around yourself. It is to know where to go when you have a question that the people closest to you cannot answer.

How Much Contact Should You Have With Your Spouse After Serving Him?

This is another common question, and unfortunately, there is no one answer.

If your divorce is fairly cooperative, you may still communicate directly about finances, children, or household logistics.

If the divorce is contentious, less direct communication may be better.

You do not need to answer every emotional text immediately. You do not need to continue the same arguments that were happening before the papers were served. And you do not need to negotiate important legal issues in the middle of a heated conversation simply because your spouse wants an answer right now.

If you have an attorney, ask what kinds of communication should go through the attorney and what you can reasonably handle yourself.

If you are co-parenting, keep your children’s immediate needs in mind while trying not to involve them in adult legal disputes.

Good boundaries can save a surprising amount of energy during this period.

The Unpredictable Pace of Divorce

One of the hardest things about divorce is how little control you may have over the timetable.

You can fill out your paperwork on time and still wait for your spouse to respond.

Even if you are ready to negotiate, the other side may delay.

And sometimes, you may reach an agreement quickly but still have to wait for the court to process everything.

Or your divorce may move faster than you expected and suddenly leave you feeling as though your life changed overnight.

There are court schedules, legal requirements, financial documents, negotiations, and sometimes other professionals involved. All of those things affect timing.

If the process feels slow, that does not necessarily mean something has gone wrong.

At the same time, ask your lawyer questions if you do not understand why something is taking so long. You are entitled to know what stage your case is in and what is supposed to happen next.

The uncertainty can make you feel stuck between your married life and the life you are trying to build afterward.

That feeling is common, but it is also temporary.

While the legal process moves along, you can still begin making decisions about your own future.

Take Care of Yourself While the Legal Process Moves Forward

The divorce case may start taking up an enormous amount of space in your mind.

There are emails, documents, bills, meetings, questions, and decisions. It can begin to feel as though divorce has become your full-time identity.

Try not to let it.

You still need food, sleep, movement, friends, work, time away from the paperwork, and moments where you are not discussing your spouse.

This is not about pretending the divorce is not happening. It is about giving your nervous system a break from it occasionally.

If this is something you struggle with, SAS has more ideas for self care during and after divorce(opens in new tab).

You may also find that understanding the possible divorce cost(opens in new tab) emotionally and financially helps you prepare instead of simply fearing what lies ahead.

Questions to Ask Yourself After Serving Divorce Papers

There are many legal questions during divorce, but there are personal ones worth asking too.

You do not need to turn this into another assignment. Pick the questions that actually speak to you.

• How have my emotions changed since the papers were served?
• What is worrying me most right now?
• Which part of that worry is something I can actually do something about?
• Do I understand what the next legal step in my case is?
• What information am I still missing?
• Am I sleeping, eating, and functioning reasonably well?
• Who can I call when I need emotional support?
• Who can I call when I need legal or financial information?
• Am I reacting to my spouse’s emotions instead of focusing on my own decisions?
• What boundaries would make communication easier right now?
• What do I want my life to look like once this divorce is over?
• Is there one small thing I can begin doing now that belongs to that future life?

You may notice that your answers change.

That is normal too.

Divorce has a way of changing what feels important as you move through it.

What Happens After You Serve Your Spouse Divorce Papers?

The short answer is that the legal process continues, and so does your personal one.

Your spouse is given an opportunity to respond. Financial information may need to be exchanged. You may negotiate, mediate, or go through additional court procedures. Eventually, all of the issues in your divorce must be resolved before the court can issue the final decree.

At the same time, you will be adjusting emotionally to the fact that your marriage is ending.

Some days will probably be easier than others.

The important thing is to avoid believing that you have to understand the entire process all at once.

Learn what the next step is.

Then deal with that step.

Get good information before making important decisions, and do not hesitate to ask for professional support when you need it.

Serving the papers may have officially started the divorce process, but it is also one of many steps toward whatever comes next for your life.

And that next chapter does not need to be completely written yet.

NOTES

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of divorce and reinvention. 

​Learn about Frida’s Group here,(opens in new tab) our powerful, 6-month coaching, support, and community program for women in the MIDDLE of the ​divorce or separation process.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”