How to File for Divorce in My State?

By this point of visiting our SAS for Women website, ladies, you must know that divorce law varies from state to state. But the over-all considerations that women must think about before commencing a divorce action are similar regardless of where they reside. This article will explore the steps to consider before you file for divorce and also, answer your question, “How to file for divorce in my state.”

Steps to Consider BEFORE You Start the Divorce

1. Women Should Educate Themselves about the Law by Consulting with an Attorney

If you wish to represent yourself in your divorce to save money, it is still advisable to consult with a lawyer in your state to advise you correctly on your rights and obligations during the divorce process. Some legal questions that I would recommend you ask an attorney can be found in my prior blog link What a New York City Divorce Attorney Would Tell Women About Divorce, but you should also focus on how custody and visitation is decided, whether you are potentially entitled to child support and spousal maintenance (alimony), and if so, how much, and how equitable distribution works. (Equitable distribution is the process of how marital assets and liabilities are divided.)

Keep in mind that scheduling a consultation with an attorney does not mean retaining one. If you want to save on legal fees and feel like you can represent yourself, that is fine. Just be educated before doing so.  And if your spouse is pushing you to do it yourselves, all the more reason to get educated before you start agreeing to anything.

2. Women Should Be Cautious with Social Media Divorce Influencers

Practically everyone these days is a social media influencer and an “expert” on any assorted topic, So, you must be discerning from whom you take divorce advice. While ChatGPT, artificial intelligence, and some social media influencers on Instagram and Tik Tok may offer useful advice based on their own personal experiences, the majority of these individuals are not divorce or matrimonial attorneys. The divorce consulting business is a huge profit maker so reputation and experience matters. Ensure that any divorce consultants you work with have earned an excellent reputation and their advice aligns with the legal advice that you have received from an attorney. Keep in mind that many “divorce coaches” can bring clarity and assist you with the logistical, practical, and emotional obstacles that come along with the divorce process. Many have been through the divorce process themselves.

Frequently, their personal experiences inspired them to educate other women about what they learned first-hand. Some divorce coaches offer emotional support by providing clarity on what to expect during divorce, ensuring that you are emotionally ready to pursue a divorce, and informing you about the various challenges and obstacles that you will likely face along the way.

Understand the Different Roles of Divorce Professionals

Therapy and certified divorce coaches are best for getting you through the emotional confusion during this time and how to sequence things, what to do first, second, etc. But they are not attorneys and how you approach them should be different from how you would approach an attorney. Attorneys guide you through the legal divorce process. They should not be used as therapists or emotional support cheerleaders. Working with a divorce coach, one on one, or joining an education oriented, divorce support group for ongoing mentorship and guidance through the process and beyond may be helpful for navigating your life, the practicalities of divorce, and the emotional rollercoaster. Many women build life-lasting friendships through divorce support groups.

3. Women Should Know that Mediation is a Viable Divorce Strategy Instead of Litigation

Before rushing to court, it is usually favorable to pursue mediation as a first step in the divorce process. This is as long as you are not a victim of domestic violence or coercive control by your Ex. If you were a victim of domestic violence, your Ex is abusive to your children, or he’s a bully, controlling, or has hid things from you mediation is  not a viable option.

4. Women Should Understand the Role of Mediators

Mediators play an important and helpful role in the divorce process. They should be considered an option if you choose not to work with an attorney.  Divorce mediation is a process where you and your Ex can sit down together to discuss your issues and concerns. (This happens usually in a conference room at a Mediator’s office or via virtual sessions through ZOOM). Mediators are supposed to be neutral. They should know your state’s laws and explain how a court would likely rule on specific issues. They can then guide you through the decisions needed to finalize your divorce settlement agreement.

Your mediator should be skilled on getting both parties back on track to deal with the main issues when they get focused on granular items that may detract from a larger resolution. Unlike going through the divorce process in court, mediation is not binding on both parties. It is a voluntary process and either side can end it at any time.

The goal of mediation is to resolve all substantive issues. Then, a settlement agreement can be drafted and signed by both parties as soon as possible. The longer mediation drags on, the more likely one party might wish to depart from the mediation process. Go in with a game plan and know what your non-negotiables are.  That is, get educated outside of the mediation process. See item #1 on this list.

5. Women Should Consult with Financial Planners

Many women are hit hard with their new financial reality post-divorce. Financial planners can assist by clarifying the viability of divorce for women. They can explain divorce expenses, potential tax consequences, budgeting, and how assets and liabilities might be divided. The reality is simple: financial life is harder without a partner sharing the costs. The sooner women accept this reality and build financial literacy, the better they can plan for a secure post-divorce future.

Do not be afraid to hire a financial planner or a CDFA and ask every question you think is “stupid” or “silly.” I promise you that there are no stupid questions when it comes to financial planning. Check out, “How Can I Afford to Live After Divorce,” for insights and things you should be investigating.

6. What Papers Do Women Need to File to Begin a Divorce Action?

Once you have your financial, legal, and emotional team in place, are checking things off on your divorce checkliststyle=”font-weight: 400;”>, and have been educated, you are ready, you can start the divorce process. You can visit your county’s matrimonial court website to find the forms needed to start the divorce process. In New York, you must purchase an index number. You will also file either a Summons with a Verified Complaint or a Summons with Notice.

Next, hire a process server. You may also ask someone who is at least 18 and not involved in the divorce case. That person must serve the other side with notice of the divorce action.

Check your state’s rules carefully. Make sure you file the correct documents and follow all service of process requirements.

If you’ve been served with divorce papers, you’ll want to check out this article on what to do when you get served divorce papers, to be smart and to protect yourself.

NOTES

A zealous advocate for her clients, Meredith L. Singer is an experienced NYC divorce attorney who strives to keep legal representation affordable and accessible.

If you live in New York City or Brooklyn, schedule your legal consultation with Meredith by emailing her at meredithsingerlaw@gmail.com

You can also visit her website here.

 

If you are thinking about divorce, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice not to do it alone.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to guide them through the emotional, financial, and practical experience of breaking up and reinventing.  

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, smart steps, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”