How to Walk Away from an Ex
It’s happening. It doesn’t matter if you have been thinking about this, or if it was forced on you. When it comes to walking away from your Ex in the case of a divorce or breakup, the stress and fear of change come with you. They can rattle you to your bones. So many things go in and out of your head with what to do and how to do it. What about the kids? It’s hard to see straight except for one thing, one hard truth. On some level, deep down, you have no choice. You must do this.
In this piece, we’ll discuss how to walk away from an Ex, what to think about, and what to do. We’ll also help you start to understand yourself and the woman you must be so you don’t get derailed by others who can say things that make you doubt yourself.
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Be Clear with Yourself
First and foremost, if you are thinking of walking away from your partner then it must be a clean break.
Take your time and think about whether you are done with this relationship, whether you have done everything you can to save it, or if you are using your exit as a threat to get your partner to change. The first reason may be genuine but the last one may not bring anything good.
Think about the pros and cons of leaving. Then check in with your body. If you ask your body what it thinks about your relationship, is it healthy? Listen to what your body says. This is the truth.
Knowing this you are now in a position to talk with your partner but ….
SAS recommends you put that “talk” on hold until you’ve had an educational consultation with a divorce attorney if you are married.
In our experience, women are better served by learning first about their rights and entitlements and what the legal breakup would look like. This way you are educated when you speak to your partner and you feel stronger in case your partner makes threats on how they will not “give you a dime” if you get through with the divorce.
Check out “Questions to Ask a Divorce Attorney at a Consultation”.
After you’ve talked with a lawyer, practice a simple script of what you want to say to your partner.
Limit the blaming, make it about you, and “how you just can’t keep doing this anymore, you’d like to split up or divorce.” Later on, when your partner has calmed down or is in a place to hear more, you can give him reasons as to how you’ve come to this decision, but if you do it all at once your partner will likely fight back and pick apart your reasons, trying to keep you engaged or to “win” the argument and talk you out of breaking up.
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Think About the Children
If you don’t have kids together, it’s going to be easier. If you have kids, how your split is going to impact them must remain top of mind. You know this decision will not only affect you and your partner, but also the children’s psychology, mental health, and behavior.
So, when you have “the talk” with your partner, make sure you tell him that you may not know how exactly you are going to divorce or split up, but you want to do it in the kindest, healthiest way for each other and especially for the kids.
The best approach here is to talk to your partner and make him understand the needs of co-parenting. Research shows that when divorcing parents endeavor to continue to communicate healthily with each other the children are less harmed socially, academically, and emotionally.
You will always remember this too, even after you are separated, your Ex is still their parent first and that connection cannot be interfered with.
Read “Will the Kids be All Right? The Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children”.
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Look for Amicable Divorce Options
In the United States, nearly 90% of divorce cases are resolved without the interference of the court. So, the best advice here is to research amicable options for divorce. They include mediation, an uncontested divorce, and collaborative divorce. Later on, you can discuss these options with your partner and select a process that you can both live with.
Read “The Four Types of Divorce and How to Know Which One’s Right for You”.
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Go Cold Turkey as Much as Possible
Many psychologists suggest it is better to have no contact with your Ex rather than stay in touch with them.
You can start this process slowly by unfollowing them from social media accounts. Then the next day delete their pictures from the phone and so on. You also need to avoid places that rekindle painful memories.
If you have children with your ex, then communication cannot be avoided. In this case, consider using a coparenting app like Family Wizard and learn to communicate only when something must be decided and limit the time to 30 minutes or less. Having firm boundaries will help keep your emotions in balance.
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Say Yes to Help and Support
This is a deeply private, personal time and you need your people. Consider your family and friends as lifelines – but only if they are truly supportive. If they are only talking about themselves or their neighbor’s divorce, they are not right for you now. You need loving, nonjudgemental backup. Don’t waste your time with people who do not see you and what you are going through.
You might also consider working with a coach or therapist trained in supporting women through divorce and rebuilding their lives. Or consider a divorce support group where a good facilitator will help you feel anchored and guided, while the other women in the group will make you feel normal and give you much-needed perspective. There is power in a group of thoughtful women coming together to support each other.
Education + Community = Power
Learn about Annie’s Group.
Our powerful group coaching program for women thinking about or just beginning the divorce/separation process.
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Love Yourself
Before closing, we want to share a bit more about your emotional recovery from your split.
When it comes to walking away from your Ex, the stress of change comes with you. You don’t just jump into a new dimension with no memory of the person, or the familiar patterns you shared. Those memories, routines, and habits are still inside you even after you’ve separated and are no longer living in the same house.
Your brain is wired to expect those routines, whether they are good or bad. This is why, when your friends tell you, “You should just get over him,” it doesn’t resonate with what your heart and brain are going through. Yes, rationally you may know he was a louse, but your heart can’t help feeling what it’s feeling as it ebbs and flows. And this isn’t just you and your particular weakness, or the incredible magical power of HIM. It’s utterly normal and par for the course. According to one research survey focused on break-up recovery, it can take six months or often longer before many people start to feel “balanced” again.
At SAS, we think 6 months is wishful thinking! So don’t beat yourself up if it feels like it’s going to take a couple of years.
What helps you recover and rediscover yourself and your new normal is not just waiting and hoping time will “mend all wounds”. Instead, it’s about being intentional and taking steps to build yourself up and rewire your brain circuitry by introducing new things, new patterns, new routines, and people to your life – when you are ready.
Revisiting the past or looking constantly in the rearview mirror, reviewing all that you had together and lost, or replaying what you know over and over again, does not switch up the wiring in your brain. It keeps you treading on the same paths, on repeat.
So, let’s be kind to ourselves, and start gently with something else.
NOTES
Aimen is a doctor by profession and is passionate about supporting women’s mental health. She writes often for websites exploring issues and offering insights about women’s emotional and mental well-being. Aimen actively advocates for women’s rights in her community and tries to amplify their voices, making the world a better place for everyone.
Whether you are thinking about divorce, dealing with it, or recreating the life you deserve, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do it alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing.
SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.
*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”
