I Want a Divorce: 5 Steps to Help You Say It
If you think divorce is the only answer, but are too frightened to make the first move, it’s a good idea to consider why you’re so scared. Are you worried about your reputation, and how people will see you once you’re unattached? Is the fear because you don’t know how to tell your kids, family, or close friends? Or are you petrified of the financial outcomes? Or are you worried about your partner and their reaction to the words, “I want a divorce”? How many of the above situations speak to your fears?
If you’re in an abusive relationship or are married to a narcissist, you could be afraid to face your partner, either because you’re scared they will manipulate you into staying, or they may completely ignore your request. Or you may feel your situation is not bad enough to warrant a divorce. (If you are struggling with an abusive marriage, there are steps to take first.) Maybe you struggle with how and if you can divorce a nice guy. Or the fact that you and your spouse are good friends and great companions, but you live in a sexless marriage. Whatever the reason, and whatever reasons are making you so frightened, you must understand your feelings and find out how to take that necessary first step.
After all, statistics from the Centers for Disease Prevention and Control (CDC) reveal that, in America, 86 divorces take place every hour. And 40% of those divorces are initiated by women. And though divorce rates are decreasing, it’s estimated that an average marriage lasts just eight years.
Why It’s Hard to Say, “I Want a Divorce”
Understandably, it’s not easy to initiate the ending of a marriage. Many people feel this is a sign of failure – that they couldn’t succeed in the relationship. Others see it as a sign of weakness; as they couldn’t handle the bad times, it looked easier to end the relationship than try and fix it. Some say they don’t have the power, and that their husband destroyed them emotionally. Others are used to being part of a couple and don’t want to consider living without a partner. And others are addicted to the status quo. They can’t imagine another way of living or are afraid to be alone.
Maybe your concern is telling your husband you want a divorce when he doesn’t.
Of course, the financial implications of saying, “I want a divorce” weigh heavily on most of us. And for good reason. Whether you’ve been a stay-at-home mom and your partner is the provider or have been the main breadwinner, a divorce takes a huge financial toll. Either way, you will now have less money than you had in a two-partner scenario, whether you have kids or not.
Regardless of how bad a marriage is, financial security is a huge reason partners find it hard to initiate a divorce. That’s because having two salaries and sharing expenses means having fewer worries than when you’re on your own trying to make ends meet.
If money is top of mind for you, you might begin by getting support and advice for women (in particular) who think they can’t afford a divorce. Because of inequities in our society, life is harder for women post-divorce, but it is not insurmountable. You’ll want to explore resources for divorced women, finances, and navigating the path forward.
Pluck up The Courage to Say, “I Want a Divorce”
I gave my Ex a second chance. The first time I left him, my daughter was two, and I was frightened he’d hit me. It was a Sunday afternoon; she was in my arms, and he was blind drunk. As I reached for the fridge, he stormed into the kitchen, yelling at me. Panic set in, and I instinctively pressed the alarm panic button. Immediately, he retreated.
When the security guard arrived, I quickly packed a bag full of our clothes, and the guard escorted me to my car. I went to stay with friends for 6 weeks. But he wined and dined me, and begged me to come back. I finally gave in. I told him then that if he ever traumatized my child while he was drunk, I would leave him forever.
Until the moment when I pressed the panic button, I’d only dreamed of initiating a divorce, sometimes thinking about divorce a lot, sometimes pushing it to the back of my mind. But after that, and during the 6 weeks we were apart, I came to terms with the possibility of a divorce. Why didn’t I end it? I guess the timing wasn’t right. Saving our marriage for the sake of our daughter felt like the right choice at the time. The thought of handling parenthood alone overwhelmed me. Though come to think of it, a partner who works long hours and is drunk when he’s not working isn’t much company. Or much help in the parenting department.
Whatever the reason, I wasn’t ready to end things. And I think you need to come to terms with that if it happens to you. Although I had daydreamed of being divorced, the reality had been too much for me. I wasn’t ready to manifest the single life and single parenthood. Not then.
When I Eventually Said, “I Want a Divorce”
Two years later, I did utter those words. “I want a divorce,” I told him after he punched me in the face while I was holding my daughter. He was drunk, she was crying, and the penny finally dropped. It was now or never. We needed to distance ourselves before he hurt her irrevocably. Of course, by then, she was 4, and the event had damaged her. When she was an adult, she chose to become a psychologist, and I hope her years of training have helped her come to terms with the abuse. I’ve never gotten over it. I’m single to this day.
Why wasn’t I scared anymore? What made me say “I want a divorce” after a 16-year relationship that included 9 years of marriage? Protecting my child from physical abuse (it was too late to protect her from the mental effects of seeing me being smacked in the face) was paramount. Handling his drunken explosions alone was one thing; but handling him being physically abusive in front of our child was something else entirely.
Sure, it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. But is it necessary to wait until that happens to you? No, it shouldn’t be.
5 Steps to Help You Say: “I Want a Divorce”
You don’t have to wait to say, “I want a divorce”. There are ways to say it, to mean it, and to act on it. But there are things you need to do to get to that stage. They include:
- Stopping being in denial
- Making a plan
- Calling in the Troops
- Taking it One Step at a Time
- Staying Positive
Let’s take these steps one at a time…
Step 1: Stop being in denial.
You have to face facts if your marriage isn’t working. As I found the hard way, second chances don’t necessarily work. They rarely do. If you’re manifesting or imagining yourself leading a single life, a happy existence without your partner, a part of you has already accepted the status quo. Things aren’t working, and it may be better to end your marriage than keep on trying. Despite the possible financial loss, the fear of being alone, and what people will think of you. When it comes down to basics, what’s important is what’s right for you. Perhaps counseling can assist you in getting to this point. But you won’t get there while you’re in denial and aren’t ready to face facts.
Step 2: Make a plan.
Seek advice. From a divorce coach who has overcome and healed from divorce, perhaps a psychologist experienced with divorce, and a divorce lawyer. Once you gather all the facts and confront them, the situation won’t seem as daunting. By putting things into perspective and viewing divorce in a positive light, you can begin to work through the emotional challenges of separation. Having a clear plan in place—one that outlines the beginning, middle, and final steps—will help you navigate the process with more confidence.
It Takes a Village…
Step 3: Call in the troops:
It does take a village – a strong support system that will help you get through this final separation. Who will be there when times are tough, and will celebrate with you as they get easier. It’s a long process – and if you have kids, it can take even longer for everybody to settle. And you do need support. A support group of like-minded individuals who have been there, done that, and got the T-shirt, plus those in the position to assist you professionally. Check out this woman’s educational and divorce support group program, Annie’s Group.
Step 4: Take it one step at a time:
Don’t try to look at the bigger picture. That’s way too daunting. If you break everything down into small, doable steps, you’ll get through the separation process much easier. A crisis is only one when you’re trying to do everything at once. Work out how to break up the process so it’s easier to handle. And take it slow. There’s no rush. Don’t move on to the next step until you’ve completed the previous one. And don’t look forward to what still has to be achieved. You’ll get there – in time.
If you have a hard time envisioning life after divorce, take heart and read “The Sweetness of Living Alone After Divorce”.
In Conclusion
Step 5: Stay positive.
With people having your back, professionals handling the nitty gritty (financial, legal, and psychological assistance), and good friends to turn to when the going gets tough, you will get through this. And if you’re prepared to have a positive mindset to see you through to the other side of the trauma, you can make this work in your favor. It may not seem like it right now, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you’re prepared to put in the hard work first.
NOTES
Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com
Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation with SAS for Women. Whether you are wondering what your life choices are, or thinking about divorce, or coping with it, choose to acknowledge your vulnerability and learn from others. Choose not to go it alone.
Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing.
*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”
