My Sexless Marriage is Killing Me

A “sexless marriage” can mean different things to different people. But the definition that is the most damaging is the one involving a lack of physical intimacy that leaves both or one partner disconnected and unsatisfied. The sense of a “disconnect” is key to this, because a couple could certainly agree to a sexless marriage if both spouses want it. When couples don’t discuss the loss of intimacy or physical connection, it can become a source of stress for one or both partners. In this silent standoff, the marriage is at risk.

Before my divorce, there were definitely moments when my husband and I had a sexless marriage: every time my Ex went off the rails before he went into rehab because of his alcoholism, and when our daughter was born. That last time, my sexless marriage lasted 6 glorious weeks. But that was for medical reasons and because I had no assistance with our new baby.

When Exhaustion and Resentment Replace Intimacy

My Ex was brought up in a chauvinistic household. This left me bearing the brunt of working outside the house and also caring for our newborn. I pushed myself to the point of physical exhaustion, and when I look back, everything feels like a blur. And you bet, I didn’t feel romantic, I was a grudge-holding b*&%* because my Ex was clueless. Thank goodness, we see less and less of this kind of man. Today, I observe many younger men enjoy sharing parental responsibilities. My god-daughter’s hands-on husband does double duty with their 8-month-old baby girl, and I know they will reap the benefits for years to come, in their relationship and their relationship with their daughter.

Hearing my story, though, might suggest I welcomed my sexless marriage. You bet I did!

But I also knew there were lots of things wrong because it was a toxic marriage, we didn’t have a healthy sex life, and we were in our thirties. A sexless marriage can be appreciated if both parties have spoken about it and agree to its terms. But more often, a sexless marriage points to other things and is a common phenomenon that affects many of us. Especially as we age or have been married a long time. It also develops when we are dealing with children, battling health challenges, or other stressful issues in the marriage.

My Sexless Marriage is Killing Me

Let’s talk about women who feel neglected and who confide in us at SAS. In some way or another, many are saying, “My sexless marriage is killing me”.

Every married couple’s sex life may wax and wane because of life stressors, financial issues, children’s concerns, over-indulgence in drugs or alcohol, health reasons, mental issues, or addictions like pornography – an increasing problem for modern couples with the rise of online options. Or, sex may be at the root, perhaps because the husband wants more sex than the wife would like, or vice versa. Or the kind of sex that is requested is not appealing to the partner.

When Disconnection Signals Something Deeper

Ava, from San Diego, spent nearly a decade married to Dean before he finally revealed his attraction to someone of the same sex. People can come to terms with their sexual preferences later in life—especially if, like Dean, they grew up in a very traditional family. At first, Dean didn’t discuss the issue with Ava; he just withdrew from her sexually. When she broached the subject almost a year later, because she could no longer live in a sexless marriage, the couple agreed to separate.

If Dean had broached the subject earlier and tried to communicate with Ava, they may have had a less acrimonious divorce. But, as it happened, leaving their relationship to fester had many disadvantages. Today, Dean has been happily married to Peter for almost 5 years. The couple met after Dean and Ava divorced, but Ava refused to have anything to do with them. She is still single and doing her best to work on her divorce recovery. For some, a sexless marriage and the reasons behind it can take a long time to heal from.

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This kind of story may prompt you to wonder, “Do Women Regret Divorce?”

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And Baby Makes Three

I wasn’t alone in the early days of being a new mother. My friend Carla had a similar problem. Her husband, Steve, was an only child, so he had no idea what helping out with a new baby would entail. He had never had to babysit a sibling, help change a diaper, or make a bottle for a new brother or sister. He’d never watched a little one take their first steps or had to be watchful to ensure they didn’t put a finger in an electric outlet, or crawl into the swimming pool and drown.

So when the couple welcomed their first child, a son, Steve was clueless. Because he had a very demanding career and worked long hours, he hadn’t been able to attend prenatal classes with Carla and hadn’t learned how to manage a newborn. So he allowed Carla to move into the baby’s nursery and left her to cope with the baby alone. The problems didn’t end there. Steve was jealous of all the attention Carla showered on their little one. He felt neglected. His way of coping was to withhold sex as ‘punishment’.

Eventually, when the baby was six months old, the couple sought counseling to try to resolve their sexless marriage concerns. By the time their son was a year old, they’d sorted out their problems. Steve learned he had to play a more active role in parenting, and Carla learned she had to make time for their marriage space – and give Steve private time with their child, and also, with her.

When Business Involves Ridiculous Hours

A heavy workload can be the cause of a sexless marriage. My neighbor, Marianne, complained over a drink one evening that Ben came home so late that she usually went to bed without saying goodnight. Their sex life suffered, and, with little time together, the marriage foundered. Marianne felt unseen and alone.

They started counseling, which brought up festering wounds like Marianne feeling abandoned by Ben; she believed he preferred the company of his work colleagues. She was tired of evenings alone and resentful of Ben enjoying after-work drinks and dinner meetings. Ben felt left out, too, and rarely saw their mutual friends.

Not sure if they would break up or not, the couple started divorce counseling to educate themselves on what they would face. In the process, they decided to work harder on their marriage and to put new patterns in place. Steve learned to create boundaries between work and home. And the couple dedicated two nights a week just for them, whether it was a date night and evening out, or a special dinner at home followed by Netflix. Because they addressed the issue and were having regular counseling, they worked through their problems. This shows how important communication is. When you start feeling out of synch, that’s the moment you must discuss how you feel and hear if your partner cares, and what you will do together to recover a more even keel. Is it even possible?

Choices with a Sexless Marriage

In life, there are choices. In a sexless marriage, there are choices too. You can choose not to discuss it and let it fester. But the festering will likely erupt one way or another — in passive or aggressive actions. In such an unhappy marriage, one spouse may grow hostile or cold or retreat or act out by finding sex elsewhere. Not talking about the disconnect is the greatest risk to a marriage.

At SAS for Women, we often see women try to talk about the issue with their spouses, only to have their concerns ignored. Down the road, they may crack and be seen to be part of a trend that society calls “Walkaway Wife Syndrome.” SAS does not agree with the label as it suggests that a woman just walks away from a marriage for no explainable reason – and we know that is rarely true.

Another option for a couple still requires talking it out.  Perhaps with each spouse sharing their feelings vis-à-vis sex, they may agree to marriage or sex counseling. If the foundation of love is there and there’s a willingness to work on growing together in the marriage, a couple can face their circumstances, often with the support of a professional. This may mean learning new ways to promote a healthier relationship in and outside the bedroom.  It may mean changing the traditional approach to their marriage, and opening the marriage up so one partner can explore others outside. We know this latter one is not for everybody and requires serious consideration and trust.

Conclusion: You Are Not Alone

I looked up statistics on sexless marriage and came across some research quoted in a story in USA Today from the market research company, Gitnux, whose recent studies found that 15% of American couples have sexless marriages. Also, research showed that one-third of US divorces are caused by a sexless marriage.

This means that in the US, a sexless marriage is not unusual. But it comes with a certain risk of divorce. Yet, as we’ve tried to illuminate, a sexless marriage can be solvable through approaches, some of which we have discussed. Learning what your choices are and understanding that communication is key is the beginning of the journey of restoring a healthy understanding within a marriage, or the important steps to setting you free.

If you’ve tried to share with your partner your feelings and are ignored, we encourage you to schedule a FREE private consultation with us — the women at SAS. We will offer support, ideas, and a place to make you feel heard.  Life is precious, and you have choices.

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com

 

SAS for Women offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”