Not Happy In Marriage: What’s Next?

Being in denial isn’t a great place to be. You continue living your daily life even though you’re ignoring a particular issue, person, or situation. I remember “My Denial Period.” Every morning I’d wake up, throw my clothes on and dress my little one, make her some breakfast while I scarfed down a piece of toast, and we’d zoom out of the house to get her to kindergarten on time. For the rest of the day, I’d put one foot in front of the other, following through with the well-trod paths, staying afloat in a full-time, stress-filled job, and leaving the office quickly to fetch my four-year-old once the professional workday was done. But my workday continued. I bought groceries and necessities, cooked meals, and did laundry automatically, unquestioningly, whilst living with the fact that life was not going well.

Not for a moment did I face my reality: I was not happy in my marriage. Facing the facts would have meant I’d have to do something. And I wasn’t ready to make any changes or take any action.

Facing the Facts: I’m Not Happy in My Marriage

Carrying on in a bad, toxic marriage when you are a couple is one thing, but involving an innocent child (or children) in the equation is something else entirely. I was concerned about my daughter growing up damaged because of her early years living with her parents in a dysfunctional relationship. I had the misfortune of growing up with an alcoholic father. And I dreaded her being left with the same wounds. More and more, I started thinking about divorce.

In our marriage, there were constant arguments, squabbles, tension, and stress. Despite my little one being strong-willed, independent, and reasonably happy, I knew she’d eventually realize that something was wrong in our house.

I was ready to adopt the mantra, that it’s better to live in a happy and secure one-parent family than in a dysfunctional one with two parents.

I guess that’s when you know it’s the right time – that this is when to leave your husband. That decision comes when you least expect it. Or when that precarious balance suddenly tips, when you just can’t take it anymore. It’s that proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back. You’ve taken as much as you can, and you can’t take one more moment.

If You Say I’m Not Happy in Marriage, Take the First Step

Once you know it’s time to take that first step, you must do something about it. No more living in denial. You must figure out what to do. For this reason, it’s important to have someone you can turn to, someone experienced with divorce, like a therapist or divorce coach, to help you plan. It’s hard to know how to separate from your spouse while living together. You need perspective and first-hand assistance to try to do this as healthily as possible.

Once you’ve had divorce coaching or counseling and have vetted your plan for getting divorced, you’ll need to have the conversation with your partner. It’s important to be honest, for everyone concerned. Discuss the next steps and how you plan to transition from marriage to separation. This is particularly difficult when children are involved. But trying to discuss the next steps, and when and what to tell the children, is a critical piece and perhaps one of the hardest parts. It has to be done.

When You Know It’s Time to Go

There’s no specific divorce checklist telling you the absolute right time to start the process, or that offers a step-by-step guide to getting through the end of a marriage. That’s something you need to work out yourself because every relationship is different, and the reasons it’s not working are personal and the couple’s alone.

But there does come a tipping point when you know it’s time to go:

1. You’re not happy in marriage.
2. You’ve tried couples’ counseling or sought an expert to explore if your marriage can be saved
3. You’ve been betrayed (again).
4. Or your spouse has told you it’s what they want.
5. Or, as SAS for Women Cofounder Liza Caldwell says, “You know you must divorce when your fear of your unknowns is less scary than staying in the life you’ve known.”

The Reasons Behind “I’m Not Happy in My Marriage”

Every couple has different reasons for ending their relationship. And whatever those reasons are, they are yours alone. Sure, they may be similar to circumstances other couples experience. Statistics show us there are myriad reasons why couples stop being compatible. But the specific reasons your marriage is ending are yours and yours alone.

In my case, my husband destroyed me emotionally. He was a narcissist, an alcoholic, and a drug addict. He was extremely controlling. What had been ‘acceptable’ when it was just the two of us in the relationship became insurmountable when a child was included in the situation. My maternal instinct kicked in. I couldn’t allow her to suffer. How could she be comfortable living with a father who got drunk and abusive at the drop of a hat?

Conclusion

If you are experiencing doubt or feel not happy in marriage, it’s important for you to do something about it. 

Get educated on what your choices are in a granular way (read about Annie’s Group for women only); and also, see if your marriage can be saved if your partner is willing to work on it with you. If you decide to change the status of your marriage, don’t let anybody tell you it will be easy. Let’s be honest – it’s hard to end a marriage. But once you’ve decided it’s time to divorce, you’ll find it builds momentum. As you’re not in denial anymore, things will fall into place. You’ll find you have a purpose and that there’s an ending in sight.

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com

In life, there are choices. In divorce, there are too > Book a Free, 15-minute SAS Consultation.

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”