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What Are You Telling Yourself After the Affair Has Ended?

What Are You Telling Yourself After the Affair Has Ended?

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What do you do when your world implodes and the love you thought would last is suddenly gone? I’m not talking about your marriage. I’m talking about your affair. What do you do after the affair has ended?

Affairs, like people, come in all shapes and sizes. They begin and end for different (though, interestingly, somewhat predictable) reasons. And they run their courses on different (though, again, somewhat predictable) timelines.

From Darwin to Freud to Dr. Ruth, theories on the motivations for cheating abound.

Modernize those theories with statistics on women who cheat, and the discussion becomes much more interesting and telling.

There are countless factors that influence the temptation and even proclivity to cheat. Like the “sets and subsets” of our elementary math days, they overlap in some areas and stand alone in others.

You can’t ignore, for example, the concurrence of women flooding into the workforce and stepping out of their marriages. Suddenly “having more” or “having it all” became an equal-opportunity employer because of…well, opportunity.

Perhaps the most constant and accepted theory of why women cheat zeros in on a woman’s natural yearning for emotional connection in a relationship. Centrifuge that down to its core message, and it sounds something like, “Men want sex, women want connection.”

Sounds pretty raw and overreaching for a stand-alone theory, but it’s not without merit. And its inherent message can be enlightening – even life-altering – after the affair has ended.

If nothing else, this focus on what a woman not only wants, but needs in a relationship can inform and guide her choices if (but more likely when) her affair ends.

So let’s use the end of an affair as a starting point. After all, the majority of affairs do end, and for fairly predictable reasons.

From being united in a common bubble of excitement, misery, and secrecy to succumbing to unchanged coping styles, eventually, most affairs crumble.

If you’re a woman who has cheated on your husband and are now at the end of an affair, you’re probably feeling like a rowboat mid-Atlantic at midnight. 

Where are you? What the hell do you do now after the affair? 

And are those fins you just saw circling the boat, or is it your imagination?

Before you start paddling aimlessly toward a dark, unknown destination, you have a big question to answer: Should you stay or should you go?

What may surprise you – and even attempt to heist your decision-making – is the grief you will feel. 

And it may be overlapping grief for two relationships.

Depending on the length of your affair, you may have developed a deeply emotional relationship with this other man. With women especially, this kind of affair can feel like a marriage in itself – or at least a transition away from an unsatisfying marriage.

Distinguishing between the natural grief that accompanies the loss of anything important to you and the realization of what you were seeking to begin with will be difficult.

As if that’s not a weighty enough task, you will be crushed by the obvious and imminent dilemma: Do you tell your husband about the affair?

Is it possible that he really doesn’t know or even suspect? 

What will the backlash be like? 

Will he even want to stay married to you? 

Do you even want to stay married to him? 

How will you discover the answers in the midst of so much hurt, anger, and confusion?

You have a handful of choices at the moment:

  • Tell your husband about the affair and express remorse and a desire (and commitment) to work on your marriage.
  • Tell your husband about the affair and tell him you want a divorce, even though the affair has ended.
  • Tell your husband about the affair and tell him you want a temporary separation to work on yourself and potentially your marriage.
  • Don’t tell your husband, but stay in your marriage and work to make it better.
  • Don’t tell your husband, stay with things as they are, and hope he doesn’t find out.

Every choice carries consequences that can’t be reneged on.

You may not have consciously considered the possibility that marriage isn’t for you at all. 

Searching outside your marriage may not have been at all about looking for what someone else could fill.

It may have been about looking for what only you can fill.

You are now in a position of unfathomable accountability.

You are also in a position of unimaginable opportunity.

And you will have to embrace both at the same time.

Before rushing into a decision, you need to get down and dirty with your reasons for cheating in the first place. 

What lured you into becoming part of the cheating wife phenomenon? 

Were you really starving for an emotional connection that could/would never exist in your marriage? 

Or were you, perhaps, yearning for the sexual gratification that has long been nodded to cheating men?

These aren’t and won’t be easy questions to answer. If epiphanies were a checkout-lane commodity, perhaps we wouldn’t leave such devastation in our quest for them.

Certainly now, more than perhaps any other time in your life, is the moment to seek guidance in your process. 

Discernment counseling can help you learn if there is any hope left in your marriage. It can also help you devise a plan for telling your husband (if that’s your intention) and deal with the fallout.

And hiring a divorce coach can ensure you are informed of the divorce process before you or your husband rush into any irrevocable decisions.

Finally, one assurance you must have:

You are not alone on this journey. Millions of women have been and still are where you are. 

And support and camaraderie – without judgment – are right here for you.

This period – this black hole after the affair has ended – not only can be but will be life-changing. 

It’s up to you to decide what that change looks like.

NOTES

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklist,s and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

My husband cheated now what

My Husband Cheated, Now What?

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“My husband cheated. Now what do I do? My whole world has just imploded, and I don’t have a clue where to go from here.”

It’s part of our flawed human nature to believe we can predict how we’d act in situations we’ve never been in. We can be so quick to assert the noblest of convictions, with no consideration for emotions and circumstances.

The end result, sadly, is that we often end up judging people we don’t even know on the presumption that we would do better.

Sadder yet is when we judge ourselves against criteria and standards we established without a glimpse of how they might challenge us.

Case in point? The betrayal of infidelity.

The early days of wine and roses, when the sun rose on infatuation and set on passion, eventually fade. Children, work, boredom, stress, routine, monotony… life.

Some of the fading happens so that real life can happen.

And some of it happens because couples take their relationship for granted.

While cheating is far from inevitable, it does happen.

If you are on the receiving end of betrayal, you may have found out in one of several ways. A confession. An accidental discovery. Or perhaps the accumulation of countless subtle signs of cheating.

But here you are. “My husband cheated. Now what?”

Do you go all Hollywood? Throw him out, empty all the accounts, go revenge shopping, and start a new life in the span of two hours?

Do you pretend you can forgive and forget – “for the children” – and try to carry on?

Do you find a divorce lawyer and end your marriage as soon as possible?

Or do you do what you never thought you would do if this day ever came? Do you try to work through the betrayal and save your marriage? 

These options may seem too calm-and-collected for what you really feel like doing. But let’s take that kind of retribution off the table.

Check out our woman to woman talk in “The Stages of Surviving an Affair.”

It’s bad enough that one of you has done something regretful. Fits of passion can write countless dramatic scripts, and you don’t need to play a leading role.

Even in the worst of circumstances, you have choices. They won’t promise to be easy or pain-free. But every choice will offer you the opportunity to grow… or to return to more lessons.

Here are some actions to take immediately while you explore your options in the wake of your husband’s infidelity:

  • Locate your center and always keep it in view.


    You will inevitably feel “all over the place” with your emotions. Bouncing between rage and sadness can make you lose sight of your center – your beliefs, your values, your strengths. Allow yourself the feelings, but don’t let them run away with you. Keep your center in focus so you know how to get back.

  • Do not, under any circumstances, make consequential, life-changing decisions while in an emotional state.

    Scream, cry, rip the feathers out of a pillow, go out for a Forrest Gump marathon run. But don’t file for divorce, leave with the kids, take financial revenge, or stalk the affair partner while emotions are raging.

  • Do not, under any circumstances, allow yourself to believe that you have to go through this alone.

The fact that you’re not the first to go through this doesn’t make it any less painful.

But it can give you comfort and a soft place to land when you need support from those who understand. (Read our “Surviving Infidelity: Should You Stay or Should You Go?”)

  • Find a therapist who specializes in marriage, family, and infidelity.

    Find a professional who can accompany and guide you through the flood of emotions you’re feeling. The sooner you feel in control of them, the sooner you can explore your options.

  • Find a support group – online, or in person – and participate.

    Just knowing that others have been where you are – and are at various stages of the journey – will be a huge help.

  • Get some physical distance if possible.

    Do you have a close friend or relative you can stay with for a while? If not, or if you have children at home….

  • Establish clear boundaries with your spouse regarding your living arrangements.

    Do you need to separate while still living in the same house? Be clear about sleeping arrangements, time with the kids, and separating your time at home.

  • Keep the details away from your kids… and most definitely off social media.

    Kids inevitably pick up on everything. But they don’t need to know more than “Mommy and Daddy are working on some personal matters, so we will be sleeping in different rooms for a while. We both love you very much, and we will always be here for you.” Be aware of the effects of divorce on children, and know that there are also effects from infidelity and domestic conflict.

So, you’re doing your best to stay grounded, gain clarity, and hold onto your self-everything.

At some point, however, it’s decision time. My husband cheated. Now what? is a question with a handful of clear options: separate, divorce, carry on, or work on your marriage.

Regardless of how the details look, what you choose to do will fall under one of those categories. Here’s how those choices might look:

  • Separation.

    You may not be able to stand the sight of your husband, let alone the thought of ever sleeping with him again. And yet, you may not be sure about divorce or reconciliation at this point. There are multiple ways to achieve physical distance in order to think with a clear head and/or work on things. Some couples separate while living in the same home (financial reasons, children, convenience). Some couples choose to live in separate places.

    If you are contemplating divorce – even if you are unsure – it would be wise to know your state’s laws regarding separation.

    They could influence your and your children’s financial security, the timing of a divorce if you go that route, and even your settlement.

    If you’re not sure whether to separate or divorce, start here.

  • Divorce.

    This may be your first fit-of-rage ultimatum. But divorce should always be your last resort. Obviously you can’t save your marriage by yourself. Keep in mind, however, that ending your marriage because your husband cheated isn’t going to “fix” anything.

    Not only are there life-altering effects of divorce for women. But you will still have to process the inevitable grief and the ways in which both of you (i.e. you included) contributed to the fallout of your marriage.

    (*In no way are you ever to accept responsibility for your husband’s choice to cheat.)

    Is it wiser to do that exploration while still married? Or has there been too much damage, even before the affair, to make that possible?

For women thinking… about or beginning the divorce process, learn what is possible for your life BEFORE you start making radical decisions. Join us for Annie’s Group, a powerful group coaching program for women only.

  • Carry on.

    Is this really a possibility? Think about what would be asked of you to sweep this indiscretion, this betrayal, under the rug. Even if you believed you had no choice because of finances, health, children, etc., how long would you be able to pretend?

    How long would it be before resentment and annihilation of trust and self-esteem permeated every corner of your marriage, family, and life?

  • Get even and cheat on your own.

Is this really an option for you?

Certainly men have no monopoly on infidelity. Check out “The Cheating Wife Phenomenon,” but ask yourself, in the long run, how will cheating serve you?  Won’t it be delaying the fact that certain things in your marriage Must. Be. Faced.?

  • Work on your marriage.

    The thought of working on anything with this traitor may absolutely repulse you. And yet, you may have a bizarrely conflicting inability to throw in the towel on your marriage. But take comfort in the reality that infidelity doesn’t necessarily lead to divorce.

    Couples who are willing to do the work – the grueling, gut-wrenching, painful work – usually survive.

    Why is this relevant?

    Because divorcing in the hopes of getting a clean slate and a new relationship rarely fares well.

    The issues that made your marriage vulnerable to infidelity were the confluence of commissions and omissions… from both of you.

    You will never be responsible for your husband’s choice to cheat. But you did have responsibility within your marriage, for your marriage.

    More and more, couples are thinking before leaping into the finality of divorce. (If only the cheater would have thought before leaping, too.)

    And they’re putting their egos into the back seat and getting sage counsel to help them do what they couldn’t do on their own.

Sometimes infidelity is a hard-won wake-up call.

It’s never the way to go about rectifying hurts and filling voids in a marriage.

But, once that choice has been made, new choices await.

And every choice, agonizing as it is, is a divergence to a life that will never be the same.

Your husband cheated. You will never be able to change that. And he will never be able to undo it.

But the “My husband cheated, now what?” is your fork in the road.

Whichever direction you choose, make sure you are grounded in your own power…and in the realization that you don’t have to do it alone.

Notes

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional and oftentimes complicated experience of separation and divorce. Learn what’s possible for you and your precious life. Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS and choose not to go it alone.

What to do if your husband leaves you

9 Kick-Ass Things To Do If Your Husband Leaves You

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Adulting isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, especially when painful adult experiences throw you back into an emotional childhood. If your husband leaves you, for example, you may feel the somatic eruption of memories from long ago. Abandonment. Disapproval. Rejection. Being unwanted… and the last to be chosen (if chosen at all).

It’s remarkable, really, how instantly a painful experience can connect the dots separated by a veritable lifetime.

Your psyche, though, never forgets. It stores the most affecting memories in every cell of your body.

Even if your husband leaves you and you have no point of reference for the emotional flood, the abandonment will still be all-consuming.

And with that abandonment and the litany of emotions tied to it comes a wave of destruction to all that is self-defining.

Your self-esteem, your self-worth, your self-confidence, your dreams for the future, your belief that you can survive…even your identity. They all take a beating.

Perhaps the most egregious feeling that comes from abandonment is powerlessness. 

With the swipe of one person’s actions, you become helpless to control a huge part of your own life. And you’re left standing alone with that new reality.

Is there anything you can do to re-empower yourself if your husband leaves you?

You know, don’t you, that we are here to restore the inherent yes in your life?

This is the place where others who have already earned their stripes are going to surround you and lift you up with a resounding “Absolutely!”

Here are 9 powerful things you can do now if your husband leaves you and you are feeling powerless:

  1. Be TOO proud to beg.

    It doesn’t matter what your husband has done or why he has chosen to leave. In the movie Where the Heart Is, Ashley Judd’s character says to a young mom-to-be (Natalie Portman), “I know [he] left you. But that’s what makes him trash, not you.”

    If your husband leaves you, he does so with forethought and planning. And trust us, you are above begging for that kind of base energy to come back into your life.

    Do. Not. Beg.

  2. Document, document, document.

    This isn’t about revenge – although success and happiness earned through integrity make for the suh-weetest revenge!

    This is about being smart and protecting yourself and your children.

    If you’re going to have to look out for yourself going forward, the time to rehearse is now.

    Save everything. Documents, emails, texts, voice messages (let your voicemail pick up instead of answering your phone), pictures, everything.

    Keep a dedicated journal for documenting dates, times, communication, and financial actions.

    Basically, be a grown-up Girl Scout: Be prepared. You’ll reap the merit badge in the battle to come. Read our “If You are Thinking About Divorce: Important Steps to be Prepared.”

  3. Think like a lawyer, but hire a really good one.

    This isn’t the time to DIY your future. There is too much at stake if your husband leaves you.

    Chances are he has been preparing for a while, and that means you have catching up to do.

For both healthy and smart things to do if you are thinking about divorce, or not wanting to be taken advantage of, read our “36 Things to Do If You are Thinking About Divorce.”

It’s important that you learn to separate your emotions from the pragmatics of this severance.

By researching how to find a divorce attorney and in particular the right one for you, you will learn how to prepare for the most advantageous outcome.

  1. Join a support group, or two… or three.

    This is a time when you need support.You need the professional support of legal and financial experts. And you also need the emotional support of others who have been where you are.

    Be prudent about where and with whom you share this journey.

    Consider hiring a female divorce coach to keep you on-track through this painful and confusing journey.

    And join a group or two (one online and one in person, perhaps) to give you a sense of empathetic community.

    Annie’s Group, for example, is an online divorce support group and program for women who are thinking about or just beginning divorce. What a godsend opportunity to surround yourself with assurance, compassion, and guidance in a confidential place.

  2. Keep the details off social media.

    As I mentioned above, prudence is key at this time. You want support. You need support.

    And you also probably want to drag your husband through burning coals, literally and figuratively.

    But let’s review the previous two points: Think like a lawyer…and seek support in the right places.

    It’s all part of the next point…

  3. Take the high road.

    Remember Michelle Obama’s famous tagline? When they go low, we go high.

    Politics and political preference don’t even matter. It’s an awesome mantra to live by, no matter what the circumstances are.

    Taking the high road has nothing to do with acquiescence or playing weak.

    It has everything to do with staying out of the muddy trenches and connecting your energy only to people and choices of integrity.

    Never, ever, ever doubt that staying on high ground will deliver the best results.

    You may feel the temporary agony of delayed gratification, but stay true to what is right and good.

  4. Protect your kids and prepare for their future.

    If you have difficulty standing up for yourself or fighting for what you deserve, think about your kids (if you have them).How you navigate the aftermath if your husband leaves you is about more than just getting through the divorce process. You need to look far down the road while also checking your rear-view mirror.

    Children are expensive. They need health insurance, food, clothes, tuition, activity fees, college funds, and on and on.

    This is one of the most important reasons to build the strongest professional team you can afford.

  5. Find a new place to live.

    No matter how much you love your home, clinging to it will only keep you attached to someone who has abandoned you.This is the time to recreate yourself and your life.

    Give yourself permission to enjoy the creative process of choosing and nesting in a new place that belongs only to you (and your kids).

    Sure, you may have to downsize for the time being. But that just means less “stuff” to take care of while you do the following…

  6. Take really good care of you.

    If your husband leaves you, he may or may not ever look back.

    While it’s natural to want him to miss you and regret his actions, you are now in the process of clearing out his negative energy.

    Practicing self care is no longer about making his head turn in desire or regret.

    It’s about stepping out of rejection and abandonment with limitless energy, health, and self-confidence.

    Your kids need you, your friends need you, you need you.

    So, whatever that self-care looks like—exercise, good food, sound sleep, continuing education, spirituality/religion, hobbies, social gatherings—do it.

    Consistently.

Abandonment is a vile, passive-aggressive form of rejection. It hurts… deeply. And the wound doesn’t simply “heal” with time.

While there is no panacea for that kind of betrayal, one truth will ground you so you can step forward into healing:

The only abandonment with the power to destroy you is the abandonment of yourself.

And the only vow that must unequivocally last a lifetime is the “I do” you say to you.

Notes

Whether you are thinking about divorce, dealing with it, or recreating the life you deserve, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do it alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you—and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

Surviving an Affair

The Stages of Surviving An Affair

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Relationships can be complicated. At the very least, they’re complex because people are complex. And at no time is that more evident than when a married couple is in the throes of surviving an affair. This includes opposing sides of the betrayal, and a possible re-negotiation of commitment to the marriage.

Infidelity used to be largely a man’s game. And wives were often tolerant while suffering in silence, mainly because they had to be. Wives of yesteryear often relied financially on their husbands, keeping them trapped in these types of unhealthy marriages.

But the surge of women entering the workforce from the 1960s on, coupled with the feminist movement, changed things.

Gradually, the dynamics of relationships, marriage, and even infidelity began to shift. Women were now on the same playing field as men, at least physically, and they were exposed to the same “opportunities.”

Statistics on affairs vary, in part because research relies largely on self-disclosure. But they all huddle close enough to drive home an important trend: Infidelity is no longer just a man’s game. (Check out, “The Cheating Wife Phenomenon”.)

One study found that 15% of women and 25% of men had cheated on their spouses. And that number doesn’t include “emotional affairs” that don’t involve physical cheating.

So what are your chances of surviving an affair if you fall into these statistics? 

Whether you are the betrayed or the betrayer, can you put the pieces of your marriage back together? And, if so, how?

First of all, the short answer is yes. Infidelity is survivable. Couples prove that every day.

But how they survive it—and how their marriages look on the other side—well, that’s really why you’re here, right?

If you are the betrayed, you will undoubtedly spend a lot of time lamenting “should you stay or should you go?”

Even if you are the cheating spouse, you may anguish over the same question, but for different reasons.

After the initial shock of discovery or disclosure calms, there is the opportunity for clarity. And no good decision is ever made without clarity.

If you have hopes of your marriage surviving an affair, be prepared to go through a series of stages—difficult, painful, excavating, exhausting stages.

  • Discovery or disclosure

    There is always that unforgettable moment. A cheater gets lazy with the lies, a spouse gets suspicious or accidentally stumbles upon evidence, or there’s a confession.

    Whether you’re the one left in shock or the one left in shame, this moment is the beginning of a long road ahead.

  • Emotional overwhelm

    If you’re the betrayed spouse, and even if you’ve been giving a cold shoulder to your suspicions, learning the truth is emotional.

    You will feel to a degree that may seem unforgivable. Shock, devastation, sadness, hurt, anger, loss—they will all flood in and jockey for position.

Consider reading, “How to Survive Divorce. Especially if It’s Not What You Want.”

The important takeaway of this stage, at least for the sake of surviving an affair, is that now is not the time to make any major decisions.

  • Stopping the affair

    One thing absolutely must happen if your marriage is going to survive this infidelity: The affair has to stop. Completely. No “kind-of,” “just friends,” or “sneaking around.” The ultimatum must happen.

    As logical as this may sound, it’s not necessarily a no-brainer for the cheating spouse.

    Depending on the degree of involvement with the affair partner, a “one-night stand” cut-off may not be so simple.

    After all, the affair partner is a person, too, despite the indiscretion. And the cheating spouse may be vested in that relationship beyond just the sex.

    But your marriage can’t proceed with healing unless there is the confidence of no other relationship existing in the background.

  • Grief

    It’s an inevitable passage through any loss, and it doesn’t ask permission. Grief will happen, whether or not you welcome it.

    As difficult as it is to believe, your grief and all that you are experiencing in terms of emotions will be easier to survive if you recognize, acknowledge, and embrace them.

    Why is that important to know upfront?

    Because grief isn’t linear. It gives the stage to whatever needs the spotlight at the moment: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Grief may not be what you think it is. Learn more. Read “Divorce Grief and 3 Myths.”   

Some theories include pain and guilt before anger and depression, loneliness, and reflection after.

The relevance of grief to surviving an affair? You are saying goodbye to your marriage as you remembered it and hoped it would be.

  • Discussing the affair and your marriage

    This is the long, drawn-out, painful, exhausting stage of surviving an affair, and it’s best done with professional guidance.

    There will be the obvious need for the cheater to answer slews of questions.

    There will also be the need for the betrayed spouse to balance what is necessary to know and what is really about wanting to know.

    The importance of this stage isn’t limited to discussion of the affair, however. This is the time when you will be dissecting your marriage, too.

    While there is never a good excuse that gives license to cheating, affairs don’t exist in a vacuum.

    If you are going to go forward with and safeguard your marriage, you will both have to be fearless in examining your marriage.

    How and where was it vulnerable? What negatives have you brought to it? What positives have you withheld?

    Both of you are going to have to step up and take responsibility for your marriage – past, present, and future.

    A therapist, husband-wife therapist team, or a coach that specializes in marriage and infidelity can be a lifeline throughout your post-affair process. You really shouldn’t DIY such a critical journey.

  • Acceptance

    After the shock has worn off and you are entrenched in the work of repair, you will move into acceptance.

    This isn’t about accepting infidelity as “OK.”

    It’s simply about accepting the fact that your marriage, like millions of others, has experienced it.

    And the relationship you are working on now will be “new,” as it will reflect the choices, lessons, and pain of this experience.

  • Reconnection.

    When you reach this point in surviving an affair, you may look back and marvel at what your relationship has accomplished.

    This is the stage of truly living again.

    You have already accepted that your marriage will never be the same as it was before the affair.

    But you have done the work and earned the right to say, “That’s a good thing.”

Surviving an affair isn’t simple or formulaic, despite the stages presented to help you through it.

It also isn’t easy. At all.

To the contrary.

And not all couples survive it…or should.

Only you and your spouse truly know if there is something worth fighting for…

…and something worth forgiving.

Notes

Choose not to go it alone.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional and oftentimes complicated experience of divorce. SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you—and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

postnuptial agreements

The Top 7 Things to Know About Postnuptial Agreements

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While television, music, movies, and tabloids have brought prenuptial agreements into the spotlight, few people are familiar with postnuptial agreements. This refers to nuptial agreements made after a couple is married. The surprising fact is postnuptial agreements can offer significant benefits to the right couple. Look no further than this Forbes article discussing Jeff Bezos’ divorce from his now ex-wife, MacKenzie. Bezos’ divorce could have taken a much different turn had the parties signed a postnuptial agreement after Amazon become one of the most valuable companies in the world.

In an effort to demystify the postnuptial agreement and explain its value, the following is a discussion of the top 7 things to know about these types of agreements.

  1. What is the Difference Between a Prenuptial Agreement and Postnuptial Agreement?

The more commonly known prenuptial agreement (“prenup”) is negotiated and signed by a couple prior to walking down the aisle and getting married. A postnuptial agreement (“postnup”) is signed by the couple after they have already been married. It can be signed days, weeks, months, or even years after the couple has said their vows.

  1. What is the Purpose of a Postnuptial Agreement?

The main purpose is to let married couples set the terms for divorce or death ahead of time. A postnup can help a couple eliminate uncertainty and increase predictability in the event they divorce, or upon the death of a spouse.

This is because the parties have dictated the outcomes that will occur upon divorce or death and have put the proper mechanisms in place to ensure their plan is legally actualized.

  1. What are Common Situations in Which a Postnup is Used?

One of the common challenges to a prenup occurs when the spouse who is receiving less under the agreement claims that it was signed under duress (think: one party presenting the other with a prenup on the night before the wedding). In order to avoid this situation, some couples will wait until after they are married to sign an agreement. The agreement they sign would therefore be a postnup and not a prenup.

Another instance in which a postnup is used is where marital issues arise that were unpredicted. If there has been infidelity, the spouse who got cheated on may want a postnup in order to stay in the marriage. This would provide that spouse with some financial protection or gain (and reassurance) in the event his or her spouse cheats again.

If you are thinking about divorce, you’ll want to be smart and healthy. Read our 36 Things to Do If You are Thinking About Divorce.

Additionally, postnups can be used when one spouse is starting a business and wants to establish how much of the business’ value (if anything) their spouse will receive upon divorce. Couples can also create postnups for estate planning purposes, or because they want to revise their prenup. If a prenup is being revised, there must be language that either states what the postnup controls or that the prenup is void altogether.

  1. Certain Topics Can be Discussed in Postnups, While Others Cannot

For Example, Spousal Support Can Be Pre-Determined.

In a postnup, the parties can discuss the spousal support obligation of the “monied spouse” upon divorce. The couple can set out a specific amount of support in the event of a divorce, remain silent on the issue, or waive support completely. Many couples decide to determine spousal support in the postnup because leaving it in the hands of the law (or court) down the road can be unsettling. Others, however, prefer to have their financial situation at the time of divorce, as opposed to earlier, during the marriage, dictate their obligations.

It is important to know that spousal support clauses in a postnup can be vulnerable to challenge. This is because the parties’ income at the time of the divorce is unknown at the time the parties sign a postnup. If a spousal support clause in a postnup is very stingy and strays far from the statutory formula set out by the law, the spousal support clause runs the risk of being struck down as unconscionable (a term that will be discussed in detail below).

For example, if the postnup entitles the non-monied spouse to only $1,000 per month for spousal support, but the monied spouse makes $5 million per year, this spousal support clause may not be upheld.

Child-Related Issues Should Not Be Included

Divorce laws vary from state to state. In New York State, the courts decide child-related issues using the “best interests of the child(ren)” standard. If a postnup includes child-related language, the court would be deprived of its supreme jurisdiction in the area. As such, any child-related clauses in a postnup open the door for the agreement to be struck down.

However, one provision that is often included in postnups states that if one spouse owns the marital residence by himself or herself, the other spouse will not be required to vacate until there is a parenting plan in place (either by agreement or court order). This serves to encourage the parties to work quickly to come up with a plan as it relates to parental access with the children.

Estate Rights Are Often Addressed

In New York, without an agreement, a party cannot fully disinherit his or her spouse. Under the law, the non-deceased spouse would still be free to take what is called his or her “elective share,” which is defined as the larger of $50,000 or one-third (1/3) of the deceased spouse’s estate. In a postnup, the parties can give up their elective share rights, or determine that the elective share applies only to marital property. In exchange, a party who waives their elective share can ask that their future spouse take out a life insurance policy in his or her name.

  1. Full Disclosure is Essential

When preparing a postnup, each spouse provides a complete list of his or her assets and liabilities.

While courts usually will not overturn a postnup because disclosure was not absolute, they can overturn an agreement if a party can prove that their spouse willfully concealed assets. It is often recommended that, if the value of an asset is uncertain, the parties overvalue that asset. Doing so would negate the argument that a party would have made a different deal if they knew the higher value of the asset in question.

In addition, financial disclosure allows each party to obtain insight into each other’s financial situation. This is especially important in a marriage in which one spouse is in charge of the finances, and the other spouse is in the dark.

Check out “How to Prepare for Divorce If You are a Stay-At-Home-Mom”

  1. Specialized Clauses

There are numerous different “specialized clauses” that can be included in postnups.

A “ladder provision” can be inserted, which says that the non-monied spouse would receive additional spousal support or a lump sum payment at different anniversary milestones. For example, if the parties are married for 5 years, the monied spouse would make a $200k payment to his or her spouse upon divorce, and after 10 years that increases to $500k.

There also are “sunset provisions”, which state that the postnup will no longer be in effect if the parties are married for a certain period of time. For example, if the parties are married for 20 years, the postnup would then be void. These sunset provisions can also be used on individual clauses, such as the estate waivers no longer being effective if the parties are married for a certain number of years.

Oftentimes, parties ask about adultery provisions in which the cheating spouse would lose out on funds or spousal support in the event of a divorce. These are difficult provisions to include and maybe kicked back by the court because of the ambiguity of what “cheating” may mean.

  1. Challenging Postnups

In general, New York courts often uphold postnups that are entered into by two consenting parties. If a party is challenging a postnup, he or she will have the burden to show why it should not be upheld. The standard of review, under the law, is whether the agreement is “fair and reasonable” at the time the parties entered into the agreement and must be “not unconscionable” at the time one party seeks to enforce them.

The arguments that a party can make as to why a postnup, or any provision of it, should not be upheld are (1) fraud, (2) duress, or (3) unconscionability. As discussed, if there is full financial disclosure, a fraud claim would most likely fail. Avoiding a duress argument is, as stated above, a reason why couples may sign a postnup instead of a prenup. The biggest threat to a postnup is unconscionability at the time of enforcement. However, unconscionability is a very high standard to attain, and so more often than not, the spouse claims it will not be successful. The circumstances would have to change so significantly over time that what was once an equitable agreement ends up becoming unconscionable by the end of the marriage.

The postnuptial agreement is a useful tool in many situations of a marriage. In order to take advantage of its benefits, it’s important to be well informed about how to structure it as they are not easy to enforce in every state. If you are thinking about divorce or wanting to change the terms of a divorce should one occur in your future, you may wish to consider a postnup. Speak to a matrimonial attorney (divorce attorney) about your story to understand your options and what would be the best move for you.

 

Notes

Ian Steinberg is a Matrimonial Attorney at Berkman Bottger Newman & Schein, LLP, where he focuses on the litigation, mediation, negotiation, and settlement of matrimonial and family law cases. In addition, he specializes in the drafting of prenuptial and postnuptial agreements. Prior to his current role, he practiced real estate law representing property owners in courts throughout New York City. This real estate background gives Ian important insights into the division of the marital home when couples are separating and divorcing. Connect with Ian to discuss your situation and needs.

 

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

Infidelity and Divorce

The Betrayal of Infidelity

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It is possible to think rationally in the face of divorce… sometimes. The crumbling of a marriage is painful, of course. However, we can be logical about things like financial disputes, changing priorities, long-distance hardships, or child rearing. Infidelity, though? Not so much.

Hitting Us Where It Hurts the Most

The betrayal of infidelity is one of the top catalysts of divorce. In a recent SAS survey, we asked 100 women dealing with divorce to name the primary reason for their separation. Between 7-10% said adultery was the cause of their divorce, though it’s unclear from the survey who cheated on whom. That means cheating ranked as the number four reason for divorce, with lack of good communication, domestic abuse, and constant arguing ranking ahead of it.

When we discover that our husband* is unfaithful, sensible analysis and calm discernment take headers right out the window. There are other ways to break trust in a relationship, such as choosing an addiction over the relationship or hiding credit card debt. However, even these don’t hit as viscerally as cheating does. No other divorce catalyst is such an emotional hot button as the particular sting of disloyalty.

Most likely, it doesn’t matter how grounded we are or how well developed our self esteem may be. The betrayal of infidelity goes far beyond an emotional slap in the face.

The pain of adultery makes it difficult to hold on to a levelheaded frame of mind in the middle of that onslaught of pain, rage, bewilderment, and devastation. No matter what we read or who we talk to, there seems to be universal agreement that being untrue to the marriage vow of “forsaking all others” hurts the worst. It is also the most challenging bridge-burning from which to rebuild the trust that once existed between two people.

The Mortal Wounding of Infidelity

An affair: the term is a misnomer, really. Something that breaks trust so deeply and wounds on such an intimate, personal level shouldn’t also be a term for a lovely party. And the term “extramarital sex” sounds like a gynecological exam. It’s clinical and somewhat unpleasant, but it doesn’t conjure up the rage and bleeding-out-on-the-floor emotional havoc that the betrayal of infidelity wreaks. Finding out that your husband is two-timing you may sound like a country line dance but in actuality, it’s psychologically leveling for a period of time. Cheating is a spouse taking a hard look at the most vulnerable part of us and saying, in essence, “You’re not enough. You’re not good enough to merit my effort to stay true to you and to my word. You’re not worthy of the vow I said I would keep.”

The betrayal of infidelity shatters the commitment that the two of you made and throws a Molotov cocktail on your self-worth, the softest underbelly of who we are.

Cheating takes that vulnerable part of us, that part that we keep down in the depths that is the truest part of us, tosses it aside and says, “This can be replaced.” In North Carolina’s well-publicized case Clark vs. Clark case, one woman had to sit in the courtroom and listen to her Ex and his new wife testify that he never loved her in the first place.

Monogamous fidelity is one of the cornerstones of traditional unions, so the effect of an extramarital affair destroys an essential part of a married couple’s foundation. It takes a lot of work and support, and most likely, good professional help to rebuild that trust.

We May Not Forget but We Must Forgive

I was on the sidelines of an affair that involved a woman I know well, and so I witnessed the corrosion that a lack of active forgiveness can etch onto a marriage. The betrayal of his infidelity itself was gut-wrenching, but beyond that, it was frightening for her as a Stay-at-Home-Mom to be left with two young children and the prospect of raising them by herself. The two of them decided to remain married and work it out.

If that is our choice, we may not forget, but forgiving and consciously choosing to not punish him for the rest of the marriage is necessary for it to be a healthy one. It’s also necessary to take a hard look at ourselves and asking, “If cheating is a symptom of unhappiness, how did I contribute to the unhappy dynamic? And how do I address that now?”

That doesn’t mean taking all the blame. In fact, if you’re married to a narcissist or an abuser, you must be even more careful to not engage in the constant apology. Generally, though, looking honestly at ourselves does mean that we have to own our own behavior and how it affects the people around us.

The Metamorphosis of Marriage

It may be helpful to keep in mind that we are far from alone in this enormous challenge. Infidelity claims 25-40% of marriages, and the reasons for affairs range from resentment to stress to differences in sexual appetite, et cetera. In the younger generations, the percentage of women cheating on their husbands is now equaling men. Women in their 50s and 60s are also beginning to catch up with their male counterparts in the extramarital sex arena.

COVID-19 has also made it even more difficult for couples to sustain their togetherness. The National Institute of Health evaluated the effects of the pandemic on marriage in September 2020. The NIH found that the pressure cooker of sheltering in place may have made it harder to actually conduct a physical affair, but increased the numbers of people seeking them.

It may also be helpful to note that as “the done thing,” traditional marriage is beginning to take a backseat to new relationship paradigms. There is a growing recognition that the institution of marriage needs an infusion of flexibility and dynamism if it’s going to survive.

Couples are choosing to reevaluate their vows a few years into the union to see if they are still on the same page or if they need to make incremental changes. (Incrementally speaking, think screwdriver approach instead of a hammer).

Non-Traditional Approaches to Fidelity and Marriage

Married people are choosing to live in separate homes, a practice of “living apart together” in LAT relationships that honor the individual and help people in long-term unions maintain a “still-dating” romantic edge. And two weeks ago, the MSN home page featured a story on monogamy being “out of date” with a list of high-profile celebrities who include a little extracurricular activity into their happy marriages on purpose. They all had slightly different ways of handling it, but the message here is that some open relationships can lead to happier and more unified marriages.

The Metamorphosis of Self

It also takes support and, often, professional help if you decide that you don’t want to rebuild and choose instead take divorce by the horns. Leaving a marriage, especially on the heels of infidelity, requires a lot of us. It is just as much work as rebuilding a marriage. We enter a phase of partnering ourselves more effectively, and this means facing some uncomfortable truths about who we were in the marriage. We also must face who we are currently and who we are becoming. If we are going to truly evolve, we have to embrace the galvanizing effects of the pain and then move past it into self-honesty and forgiveness. If we can do this and truly let go, we find a whole new kind of freedom and self-commitment to celebrate.

Notes

Jennifer Bent is a freelance writer, former print journalist and feature writer living on the West Coast. Nicknamed Verbose at a young age, she loves wordcraft but has to keep a short leash on her fondness for the profane. Jennifer enjoys compelling content and the liberty to write about interesting contributors and innovative ideas. Connect with Jennifer at verbosej@hotmail.com 

 

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

* At SAS, we support same-sex marriage. However, for the sake of simplicity, we may refer to the spouse as “he” or “husband.”

Surviving Infidelity

Surviving Infidelity: Should You Stay or Should You Go?

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You and your husband are in a committed relationship—or so you thought. You love your husband and your life together. Your husband’s law practice is thriving. Your three children are all happy and healthy and you’ve recently been chosen to head up a major fundraiser for underprivileged children. Then, by chance, you discover titillating emails your husband has sent to his long-time secretary Jennie, a married mother of two pre-school-aged children. The four of you routinely socialize and you and Jennie frequently share confidences. Your head is spinning. You’re in a state of shock. Your wonderful, secure life is unraveling right before your eyes. What to do? Surviving infidelity may feel impossible.

You call your husband and tell him to come home immediately.  He asks first whether something happened to one of your children. You tell him that the children are fine, but that you are not. He agrees to come home early. The question then becomes, what do you do with your cheating spouse.

Infidelity Statistics in the USA

Did you know that in the United States studies show that between 25%-60% of Americans cheat on their spouses? Male respondents in the 51-59 age group have the highest infidelity rate at 31% and 16% of women in their 60’s reported infidelity, the highest rate among female respondents. Studies estimate that 10% of affairs start online and 40% of online affairs turn into real-life affairs. Although cheating was once considered primarily a male activity, the incidence of women cheating has continued to climb. 

As a psychotherapist and sex therapist with over 35 years of clinical experience, I have treated thousands of men and women both individually and in couples therapy and have discovered the primary reasons why people choose to engage in extramarital affairs. 

Reasons Why People Have Affairs

  1. Marital Dissatisfaction
  2. Sexual Dissatisfaction 
  3. A Desire for Variety.  (“I love my spouse, but…”)
  4. A Surprise Unanticipated Encounter That Turns into An Affair
  5. Do I Still Have It? A Need for Validation from Someone Other Than My Spouse
  6. My Spouse Has a Chronic Illness and I Need Some Emotional and Physical Intimacy 
  7. Retaliation: I Want to Punish My Spouse for Having an Affair
  8. Plain and Simple: Sexual Chemistry
  9. Consciously or Unconsciously, Affairs Are Wake-Up Calls That Something Is Amiss in the Marriage.

After the Affair: Should I Stay or Should I Go? It Depends…

Virtually every couple I see contacts me for therapy because of infidelity. And by the way, more and more women are engaging in extramarital affairs than in previous generations. Once one spouse discovers the affair (and they usually do, sooner or later), both spouses will need to figure out what to do. What will the next steps be?  Do we still love each other?  Will I ever be able to forgive? Should we get a divorce?  Should we try to mend our marriage? Do I want to leave my marriage for my lover?

Whether couples choose to stay together or to divorce, expect there to be lots of ups and downs. People can learn over time to forgive. However, they will never FORGET!  

The couples that I work with are often able to acknowledge that their marriages have been coasting along for many years. I have encouraged people who listen to my ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network and who see me on television and who attend my lectures to remember to keep their marriages at the top of their priority lists. However, the reality is that their children, careers, and financial concerns, coupled with the pressures of day-to-day living, almost always occupy the number one spot in people’s lives. And herein lies the lethal mistake that couples continue to make. 

Plants and flowers will die if they are not watered and tended to. The same goes for a marriage. 

Points to Ponder

  1. Is the couple sincerely interested in mending the marriage?  If the answer is yes…
  2. Is the couple willing to work with a competent marital therapist who can help them to fully understand what happened and aid them in moving forward?  

Buyer Beware: Therapists are not the same. Do your homework and get a referral from someone whom you trust.

  1. Mending a broken heart and a broken marriage takes time. Are you willing to participate in a painful process with the hope that your marriage can potentially be better and stronger than ever before?
  2. On the other hand, you may find yourself in a situation where either you or your spouse wants a divorce. If that is the case, you need to find yourself a competent divorce attorney who will help you to protect your interests in terms of custody, visitation, alimony, child support, and even hidden monies that you may be unaware of. If there’s been deception in the marriage, you don’t know what other surprises you may discover.

Learning what your next steps are in terms of finding the right lawyer, and how to keep your emotions out of the legal negotiation, and how to support your heart, is the work of a divorce coach. Her job is to help you feel anchored as you learn about the process and take steps, step by step.

In over 35 years, the vast majority of couples who have worked with me chose not to divorce. Rather, they put their time and energies into trying to resurrect their marriages. And the good news was that most were successful.  

In fact, many couples have told me that their marriages were happier and stronger and more sexually and emotionally satisfying after the affair.

Lessons Worth Learning

  1. Prioritize your marriage.
  2. If you find that your own individual issues, be they emotional, psychological, psychiatric, physical, or sexual are getting in the way of your life and relationship, give yourself permission to seek help.
  3. A good marriage is dependent on two emotionally healthy individuals.
  4. When problems arise, as they do in all marriages, don’t bury them or deny them and avoid tackling the various issues head-on, pretending that they will disappear on their own. That’s magical thinking!
  5. If you and your spouse are unable to successfully acknowledge, address and RESOLVE  your problems on your own, don’t hesitate to reach out and ask for professional help.

 

Beatty Cohan, MSW, LCSW, AASECT is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of For Better for Worse Forever:  Discover the Path to Lasting Love, columnist, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest, and host of THE ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network. She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton. To date, she is still seeing clients on ZOOM. Check out her website or write her at BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com 

 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional and oftentimes complicated experience of divorce. We invite you to learn what’s possible for you. Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS. Whether you are thinking about divorce or already navigating your life afterward, choose to acknowledge your vulnerability and not go it alone.

Cheating wife

The Cheating Wife Phenomenon

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Move over, husbands with lipstick on your collars, and give the ladies some room. The cheating wife is the latest trend in women’s sexual evolution and the numbers are undeniable.

Globally, Ashley Madison membership numbers nearly match the number of married couples in the United States, and women make up half of the members on the (cheating) app. Think of that: there are enough unfaithful in the world to fill the third-largest continent — and half of them are wives. Ashley Madison, the world leader in married dating websites, had 60 million registered members worldwide as of 2019. In comparison, 62.34 million married couples exist in America as of January 2020.

Looking for Greener Grass

This means that at least 30 million women across the world are looking for sex with someone other than their husbands. And Ashley Madison is just one site. Their numbers don’t include the people on dating sites like Match, Bumble, and Tinder who are lying about their “single” status in order to land lovers on the side. That estimate is one in six. With those numbers and the topic “cheating wife” netting 5,400 hits a month on search engines and divorce sites, a new picture of sexual relationships is emerging.

Not only is cheating big business, but it isn’t just for husbands anymore.

Even the infamous 2015 hack into Ashley Madison’s database didn’t deter new users for long. Ashley Madison’s net worth added up to $1 billion six years ago—right about the time the hack occurred. As breaches go, it was explosive. Hacked information doesn’t get much more sensitive than a database full of cheating spouses, and members’ desire to maintain that secrecy doesn’t get more emotionally loaded. The hack exposed an estimated 32-37 million members’ intention to cheat, but the company boldly added another 30 million members—effectively doubling their numbers. Before the breach, they were signing about 30,000 new members every day and were back to adding about 22,000 daily just four years afterward.

The Cheating Wife & The Gender Gap

In essence, the numbers show that people are willing to risk a lot for sexual satisfaction and there is no current difference in cheating rates between the genders. But that equality has been a long time coming. Among Baby Boomers in the 57-75 age range, 25 percent of men and 10 percent of women have infidelity in their interpersonal portfolios. Just two generations later, among Millennials aged 25-40, females outnumber their male counterparts for infidelity with 11 percent of women cheating versus 10 percent of males.

So, while spouses may lie, the numbers don’t. An equal number of women and men are putting their marriage vows, family solidarity, financial well-being, and emotional equilibrium on the line for sexual expression that is fully joyful. In short, they’d risk upending their lives for the sake of feeling alive.

The questions women are asking ourselves and each other is: Why? If we are unfaithful, how do we live with it? And where did we get the idea that women feel less sexually motivated or “more monogamous” than men?

A Powerful Motivator

In the cheating wife trend, we are seeing sexual stereotypes debunked. The dusty old beliefs that women aren’t as interested in sex as men, or are motivated to have extramarital affairs because they want emotional intimacy rather than great sex, are getting exposed as a myth. Social norms made these false or only partial truths appear to be the “Truth.” Generally speaking, women didn’t want to rock that boat and men wanted to command it.

In my experience and from the woman-to-woman conversations I’ve heard, we are just as interested in sex as men are, if not more so. Our conversations about it tend to be much more explicit, as well. The current research, articles, and statistics match that impression.

Women might be more aware than men of the potential impact of sex since we bear the consequences of it in the form of pregnancy, childbirth, and most of the child-raising. We’ve also experienced sexual shaming across many world cultures. Historically, sexually free women get slapped in the face, stigmatized, or killed. (Sexually free men? A slap on the back and a high-five are much more common than recriminations). But women risk it. Women don’t go lightly into affairs, either, but they do it. When they do, it’s often because, despite therapy and many attempts at communicating their needs, they are still not reaching the intimate connection or orgasm that they seek with their husbands. While some may love their husbands and want to save the marriage, years and years of emotional or sexual flatlining is intolerable. The joy of intimacy is something they decide they want.

Sex and Emotions

In my opinion, the story that women have sex to forge greater emotional connections or are more aroused when they do feel an emotional connection has truth to it. And so does the story that we love variety in our partners and great sex—both of which motivate women powerfully. The larger, more compicated “Truth” usually lies somewhere in the middle.

“One reason women cheat is that being new to someone, being seen as interesting and desirable exactly who we are at the time, is really important, and so is being with someone who delights in us,” said one friend. “We’re not the same old person to someone new and they’re new to us. We’re not being compared to who we were 20 years ago.”

And of course, there is the added titillation of doing something forbidden.

What happens when we are denied something? It becomes more desirable. Add that zest to the spice of variety and you have a strong motivator despite the risk of being caught and despite the risk of divorce. Among “ever-marrieds,” 40 percent of those who cheated are divorced, compared to only 17 percent of the faithful being divorced. Factoring in the adrenaline of danger adds even another degree of excitement.

Guilty Pleasure or Good for the Goose and Gander?

There are also the more emotional consequences of cheating, but even those aren’t nearly as clear-cut as you’d think. One Catholic-raised friend who did cheat on her husband felt guilty about it but also knew she was unhappy in her marriage to a controlling man. Like many women, she used the affair to leverage herself out of the marriage.

The only thing that her guilty feelings really impacted was the financial fallout from her divorce.

“My mistake was that I let him make me feel guilty enough about cheating that I didn’t seek more of a settlement of what I was legitimately entitled to,” she said.

You might think that guilt would stop women from being untrue to their mates. However, a lot of us do not feel the guilt and shame that society taught us to feel or have inflicted on each other.

Reported Benefits of Infidelity

“For these women, the release they experienced through sex with an affair partner saved their marriages. Prior to participating in an affair, they doubted their own ability to stay in the marriage. They simply didn’t know how much longer they could live sexlessly or with a sex life absent pleasurable release. However, the thought of dissolving their marriages evoked sadness and despair. But the sexual relief of being a cheating wife made them feel capable of continuing to stay in those marriages—something they very much desired,” writes Alicia Walker, Ph.D. in her article “The Secret Lives of Cheating Wives.”

“With their sexual needs met, at least periodically, they found themselves better able to endure the daily frustrations of a shared life. They could overlook an unequal division of household labor, irritating habits, and even inattentiveness, in part because they kept such a large, stigmatized secret from their spouse. Many pointed out that when they got angry with their husbands about something small, they checked themselves with some version of the thought: ‘I’m a cheating [b-word].’ But aside from the guilt about their behavior, the sheer power of having their sexual needs met enabled them to be a more gracious version of themselves.”

Her Story, Not His-Story

What we are seeing as women become primary breadwinners, business moguls, national leaders, and power brokers in greater numbers is more than a sexual evolution. It is a resurrection of women’s original sexuality.

Look back at the Goddess-centered cultures that covered the globe for the Paleolithic period. There was no passage of property linked to children, who were only guaranteed to belong to one man by control over his wife’s sexuality. Wealth, the means of making it, and children belonged more to the cooperative group than the ruling few.

It wasn’t until the much later and much shorter epochs that cultures became more hierarchical and violence-dominated. Wealth moved upward to a chosen few male leaders and their consorts, instead of funneling down and out to the greater community. (This is kind of the “One Ring to Rule Them All” model). Those few men of means began to want a guarantee that their children were theirs before making them their heirs. So, women became property, and their sexual power came under control, scrutiny, and often, punishment in one form or another.

We have since learned to normalize that control and the resulting muffled female sexuality. It clearly isn’t natural. When we look at how much longer the Paleolithic lasted than later periods, and the sexual norms that went with it, the rising tide of “cheating wives” seems to indicate more of a return to nature rather than an aberration.

What we are seeing in the cheating wife trend may be disturbing to some and vindicating for others. Regardless, it is an indicator of women taking their power back and re-writing their story themselves.

Notes

Jennifer Bent is a freelance writer, former print journalist, and feature writer living on the West Coast. Nicknamed Verbose at a young age, she loves wordcraft but has to keep a short leash on her fondness for the profane. Jennifer enjoys compelling content and the liberty to write about interesting contributors and innovative ideas. Connect with Jennifer at verbosej@hotmail.com.

Since 2012, SAS for Women dedicates time and effort to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusion afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

What to do with a cheating spouse

What to Do with Your Cheating Spouse

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What do you do with your cheating spouse?

Well… nothing illegal, ladies. Roll your eyes, sure, but let’s start with that bottom-line simplicity, even if we think it’s an “oh-I’d-never” scenario because rage is a lovely antidote to the pain. The sadness, the betrayal. Like a good alcohol buzz, rage can become addictive and erode good judgment. And while (hopefully) most of us would not choose to, say, put those kickboxing lessons to good use, nor apply that “gesso and stucco” section of our Art 101 course to his new car or her front door, there are moments that follow the discovery of a cheating spouse when it’s helpful to have a little reminder to not make your rage-fueled fantasy a reality.

What else helps?

Laughter.

The ludicrous nature of the rage fantasy does help us laugh at ourselves and the situation, and laughter is an even better antidote to pain than rage. Where rage depletes us, laughter is sustainable; it increases immunity, beauty, endorphins, lung capacity, and hope.

Laughter leads us right into embodying the adage that “happiness is the best revenge.”

So have a great time with the fantasy; hell, write a book. At least read one that will make you laugh at the situation. Fiction can be a nice escape because it allows us to experience emotions while being removed from them. We can live vicariously through the characters, where people can do things they wouldn’t do in real life. One of my favorite authors (Jennifer Crusie—I love that woman) does a great scene in her book Bet Me where a pissed off stay-at-home mom punctuates every screeching syllable of …“thirty-seven goddamn years!” with a pointy-toed kick of her Manolo Blahniks as she accuses her husband of being a cheating spouse. Then there’s the scene from one of the Harry Potter books where one character encounters his spell-bound cat and goes hunting for the culprit, demanding at the top of his lungs, “I want to see some punishment!”

Can we relate? Make the cat in the story a metaphor for your pride: would we like to “see some punishment” for cheating, which smashes a promise to remain faithful and destroys our sense of self and our faith in our character judgment? (How could we have picked someone who would do this? I gave him everything! How did I believe this guy)? Yes, most of us can relate to that. And most of us won’t get it in a no-fault state, which most are.

Managing Your Emotional Reactions to Cheating

There are a lot of opinions weighing in on this subject, as cheating is one of the top three reasons for divorce. I personally know of only one exception to the rage reaction, and she had been wishing for a divorce for years before discovering her husband had cheated on her. For her, at that point, it was a giddy relief: she finally had an iron-clad reason to demand a divorce—a reason he couldn’t gaslight her out of. Most of us, however, experience rage as the primary emotional response to a cheating spouse.

Regardless, try to laugh and find your other joys in life as soon as you can, and refrain from the illegal. Avoid assault (including verbal and on social media). Avoid destruction of property. Indulge the fantasy for a bit, but leave that mental vacation on the island and re-enter reality as soon as possible.

“Ultimately, women need to know it’s good to fantasize about getting even; but the court and the law care not a whit that you’ve been cheated on,” says SAS for Women co-founder and divorce coach Liza Caldwell. “So seek your justice another way, or learn to accept he’ll get his in a bigger court.”

In recognizing that there is a higher, karma-centered court, we take a step back from allowing our spouse to blame us for the cheating, rather than owning their own choice. Whether the cheating spouse has done so once or many times with multiple partners may also make a difference in whether we choose to divorce or stay and make it work. On the other hand, we co-create our marriages, so another facet of healing from infidelity involves taking responsibility for our part.

Own Your Side of the Road

Did you make everything in the marriage about you? Did you tell him to stop singing while he washed the dishes because the noise stressed you out? Create a dictatorship out of the cute kitchen accessory that says “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? Do your own form of cheating by attaching to an addictive behavior like drinking too much, spending hours and too much money shopping online, working too much, getting too wrapped up in your children’s lives instead of making a life with your spouse? Owning our side of the road in a marriage can be galling when dealing with a cheating spouse, but it’s even more necessary at that point. If done well, often with professional help and your spouse’s ownership of their own side, divorce may not have to be the outcome.

That being said, it’s also essential not to take the blame for the infidelity. The cheating spouse has to own their choice to cheat, not redirect all responsibility onto you. Their decision to do that is their fault, not yours, and a spouse who refuses to see themselves or their choice to cheat as wrong or recognize its hurtfulness probably should be left.

There is a choice to stay or go. Depending on the scenario and each party’s willingness to own their part, it is possible to come back from infidelity with a stronger marriage and a greater understanding of each other and ourselves.

Stay or Go

Whatever you decide to do, though, decide fully. Choose happiness fully, and if you stay, choose to forgive completely. Either way, wash your hands of it entirely and let it go. To spend the next 30 years punishing your spouse with barbed comments and the occasional replay, playing the guilt card, living in suspicion—all of this is toxic. (All of us give in sometimes to bringing up something from the past that hurt us, but to invest energy in sustaining that hurt is another matter).

Annie’s Group :: for those thinking about or beginning the divorce process.  

“There’s a comfort in strangers, that is simply not possible with friends and family who are not themselves divorcing.”  ~ T.Y., New York City

Either choice—staying or going—requires work. If you divorce and go, go fully, with joy in who you are, especially now that you’re stronger, savvier, and have more self-knowledge.

Inside every regret and each mistake is the seed of positive change and new growth. We might practice saying to ourselves, “I was {this or that} in our relationship, and I regret it, but I see it and own it, ask forgiveness for it, forgive myself, and embrace the lesson, which is to become the regret’s opposite.” For example, if you regret not being fully present in the relationship, become fully present to yourself, without distraction. If you enter a new romantic relationship, you’ll know much better how to be present for that person as well as yourself, and be better equipped to do both.

Embracing the Hill

Staying or going, forgiving fully, laughter, choosing happiness, taking ownership of your side of the road, identifying where it’s not your fault, and sometimes developing the skill to deflect manipulative blaming and redirection—each choice requires work. One of the leaders at a local community mental health agency is a long-distance runner with rheumatoid arthritis; in that person’s office is a plaque with the motto “Embrace the Hill.” Whatever the choice, it will involve work and working through the pain. It passes, but you have to choose to let it pass. No dwelling, wallowing, brooding, stewing, or perseverating. Embrace the hill and know that most challenges that come after a cheating spouse will feel like rolling downhill; it will seem easy.

 

Jennifer Bent is a freelance writer, former print journalist and feature writer living on the West Coast. Nicknamed Verbose at a young age, she loves word craft but has to keep a short leash on her fondness for the profane. Jennifer enjoys compelling content and the liberty to write about interesting contributors and innovative ideas. Connect with Jennifer at verbosej@hotmail.com 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and rebuilding their lives afterward. Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS. Tell us confidentially what’s going on, and we’ll give you black & white feedback, resources, and suggestions for your next steps.

*This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.