Posts

Public Divorce Records

Public Divorce Records: How to Protect Your Privacy

in /by

Privacy is a topic of concern for many, especially as the world moves further into the digital era. Many aspects of our lives are searchable, sometimes even without our knowledge, as certain information is considered public domain. Knowing this, the concern for privacy can make going through a divorce that much more difficult to endure. A public divorce can hinder our ability to feel in control of sensitive information, as anyone can legally find the details of legal court proceedings.

Unfortunately, this means that divorce filings are considered public record, and divorce hearings are open to the public.

This also means that aside from personal identifiers, such as Social Security numbers which must be redacted, any information contained in divorce filings can be found in these documents.

This can become a major point of concern if a spouse reveals private information about their partner or if children are involved in the divorce.

Fortunately, it is still possible to maintain a level of privacy during such a difficult time. Below are some strategies that can help protect your and your family’s privacy during a divorce.

The Decision to File Divorce Records Under Seal

To protect divorce documents from becoming public records, both spouses must ask the court to file the records in the case under seal. When this happens, confidential or sensitive information will be kept private and will not become accessible to the public. Courts have the ability to order entire records or portions of documents to be filed under seal.

It is important to note that courts will not file records under seal automatically. Either or both parties to the divorce must request that the court seal them. The judge has the discretion to decide whether this request will be granted, with special attention given to cases that involve children, abuse, substance issues, or potential libel. The judge will consider whether the potential damage to the party or parties making the request outweighs the public policy to keep court records accessible to the public.

Confused and overwhelmed? Check out “Getting Through Divorce: How to Keep Your Head Straight.”

Reasons for Sealing Divorce Records

There are many reasons why you may want to keep your divorce filings private. Some of the most common reasons include:

  • The need to protect a child’s identity in the divorce records
  • The need to protect victims of domestic or sexual violence
  • The need to protect proprietary business information

If you are a public figure, you may also want to seal divorce records to protect your reputation and prevent any damage to your public image through the exposure of false allegations. However, embarrassing information on its own may not be enough to convince a court to seal divorce records from the public.

Why Divorces are Generally Public

The primary reason that divorces are public is to maintain a level of transparency in court proceedings. The public is able to see what occurs in the courts through access to these court records. They can also see what information may drive a certain court’s decision. In an effort to maintain a positive and transparent relationship with the public, court filings must remain accessible.

If you are requesting that the court seal your divorce records, you must be able to demonstrate the damage you would suffer if the records were to be made public. You must then demonstrate that this damage outweighs the public’s right to open court records.

The court must agree that these two elements have been met to exercise its discretion to seal the records. A knowledgeable divorce attorney can work with you to prepare a request to seal your divorce records and help you demonstrate the losses you would face if the records were made public.

For more things to know and take care of (lest you be caught by surprise), read “55 Must-Do’s on Your Modern Divorce Checklist.”

Tailoring Requests for Sealed Divorce Records

When requesting to seal divorce records, it is important to make sure that the request is narrowly tailored, which means only asking to seal the potentially damaging information. Generally, courts will only seal as much information as is required to protect the privacy interests in question. This may result in redacting portions of a divorce filing rather than sealing entire documents.

Narrowly tailored requests to seal divorce records have a better chance of approval than requests to seal all documents filed in a case.

It is important to clearly state your privacy concern and ask the court to redact or seal the specific information related to it rather than make a blanket request to seal the entire record based on vague privacy concerns.

Using Mediation or Arbitration for Privacy

In many cases, the best way to protect your privacy is to come to an agreement with your spouse before filing in court to request a divorce. Mediation to settle a divorce can keep sensitive information out of the public eye and safe from scrutiny. A mediator can help divorcing spouses to negotiate a settlement, resolve any disputes, and guide discussions during the divorce. If an agreement is reached at mediation that leads to a written settlement agreement, the only documents that will be filed in court are papers to request a divorce and the written agreement. The agreement can be drafted to exclude sensitive information.

Mediation is a great solution to settle a divorce while minimizing your time spent in court. Using this method, you can keep information regarding assets and finances as well as sensitive information regarding children out of official court records.

Considering reading “6 Essentials for Preparing for Mediation.”

Private divorce arbitration is another way to resolve a divorce out of court. Private arbitration is almost identical to a regular trial in court. The difference is that a private arbitrator—who are often retired judges—will adjudicate the parties’ divorce in private. The arbitrator will then issue a decision, which can be tailored to exclude sensitive information. That decision will then be incorporated into the court’s judgment of divorce.

Privacy from Your Spouse

Some people may be less concerned with their divorce being public information and more worried about their spouse accessing their private information. To prevent any of your private information from getting into the wrong hands, it is a good idea to change your passwords for personal accounts. This will prevent others from accessing sensitive data.

Keeping private documents from your spouse during a divorce may also be something to consider. If you still live with your spouse during the divorce, consider storing documents in a lockbox or safe or in a location outside the home.

Another important aspect to consider during a divorce is social media. Attorneys will frequently use social media posts in divorce proceedings. Images and posts may become part of the public record which can be a point of concern to those who want to maintain their privacy as much as possible. Revealing too much on social media can cause issues in the divorce process, whether it be settling or litigating the divorce. This is why it is important to be very careful with what you post to maintain as much privacy as possible.

Settling or litigating? Understand “What’s the Difference Between an Uncontested and Contested Divorce?

Final Thoughts

If you’re worried about the private contents of your divorce proceedings becoming public record, there are some options available to you. Requests to seal parts of your divorce records will be more likely to be accepted by the judge if they are narrow in scope and can demonstrate that harm would be done if made public. If those harms outweigh the public right to information, the judge will likely grant your request. Typically, this is when proceedings include minors (children), infidelity, or other personal information that could tarnish one’s reputation if made public.

Notes

Work with an Attorney You Trust: Going through a divorce can be incredibly stressful. It is important to find an attorney you trust to handle your case and help you get the privacy you want. At Moskowitz Law Group LLC, we are committed to ensuring that you are taken care of during your divorce. Our dedicated team can guide you through the divorce process and take some of the stress off of you during this difficult time. Take action to protect your privacy by contacting an experienced legal professional today.

 

Whether you are thinking about divorce, dealing with it, or recreating the life you deserve, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do it alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you—and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

What is a Contested Divorce?

What is a Contested Divorce?

in /by

When making the decision to divorce, it can be uncomfortable, overwhelming, and downright scary. During a period of time in which you need wise counsel and support from loved ones, it is commonplace to be bombarded with the divorce horror stories of others, which then restrict your ability to make a truly informed decision that serves your best interests. For example, perhaps an aggressive and litigious lawyer represented the husband of your best friend? That lawyer caused things to get nasty. Or maybe the judge assigned to your neighbor’s case was biased, disgruntled, and disinterested, and the divorce outcome was unfair as a result? Of course, one of the most common complaints is that the contested divorce costs tens of thousands of dollars and that the only individuals who benefitted, in the end, were the attorneys. 

If you find yourself in this place of fear, which is quite natural, by the way, please take a very deep breath and perhaps a sip of your coffee or tea and allow me to clear up some divorce misinformation. 

I am here to tell you that although divorce is a significant and complicated life transition, many cases can be (and are each day) resolved in a manner that does not resemble those professed horror stories. In fact, believe it or not, the vast majority of divorce cases do not go to court. They are ultimately “uncontested”, even the “crazy” ones, in my experience.

Defining the “Contested Divorce”

What is the difference between a “contested” and “uncontested” divorce, you ask? 

A contested divorce is one whereby the divorcing parties are unable to resolve their divorce issues, such as the division of assets and debts, alimony, child support, and custody of the minor children, and must look to a Judge to make the determination. 

Put more succinctly, a contested case means litigation–preparing for and going to Court for a final trial. 

The preparation part can include countless different and costly legal measures, such as sending out subpoenas for the production of documents; taking depositions of not only the parties, but multiple witnesses; hiring experts to perform investigations and weigh in on various financial and/or child custody matters; and, participating in countless meetings with the attorneys to ensure the case is fully prepped for trial. It is an arduous, emotional, and expensive process, which could span the length of years (especially during this period of the pandemic when Court resources are limited but remain in high demand).

Defining “Uncontested Divorce”

On the other hand, an uncontested divorce is resolved by the parties themselves, with the help and guidance of their attorneys, and in many cases, through the use of other resources, such as mediators, parent coordinators, co-parenting counselors, and financial professionals. 

The court is not off-limits in an uncontested divorce case. Judges can be relied upon to resolve temporary issues (such as, who is going to live in the marital residence during the legal proceedings?). 

Nevertheless, in an uncontested divorce, it is the divorcing couple who is ultimately responsible for settling the case.

An uncontested divorce does not necessarily mean that everything is going to be a bed of roses throughout the divorce process and negotiation. After all, you are divorcing your spouse for a reason. Also, it’s worthy to note that every legal case begins as one that is technically “contested”, and it’s not until the parties sign on the dotted line of a settlement agreement that the matter can then be labeled as “uncontested”. The point is, there is still serious work involved in achieving an uncontested divorce, as well as a big dose of perspective and compromise. 

If divorce is likely in your future, you’ll want to consult our ultimate list for a woman, “The 55 Must Do’s on Your Modern Divorce Checklist.”

Assessing Marital Estate and Assets

Divorces cannot reasonably be resolved until there is a clear picture by both parties and the attorneys of the value of the marital estate, and sometimes, the circumstances may be such that one or both parties may be mentally unready to discuss the resolution of a child custody matter until a third (3rd) party neutral, such as a Guardian Ad Litem or child therapist, makes a recommendation. In other words, there are certain legal measures that are taken by the parties and their attorneys, irrespective of a matter being contested or uncontested. But that is par for the course in divorce, and your attorney should be very well equipped to manage this and to significantly lighten the burden that you would otherwise feel if you were unrepresented. 

The Benefits of Uncontested Divorce

The genuine appeal of uncontested divorces is that they are significantly less expensive than contested divorces, as the attorney’s fees associated with trial preparation are largely avoided; the life of the uncontested case tends to be shorter because of the need for depositions, Motions hearings, and other pre-trial measures are lessened. And, in the context of uncontested divorce cases, the degree of stress, acrimony, and emotional output is typically reduced (#understatement), and it will be much less awkward to see your Ex in years to come at graduations, weddings, and the hospital when grandchildren are born. In short, the benefits of an uncontested divorce versus a contested divorce are considerable.

Should you attempt to avoid litigation and pursue an uncontested divorce? Absolutely. 

For the benefits described above, that should be the goal of any party or attorney in entering the case. Of course, it takes two to tango, and there are occasions where an exceptionally unreasonable and litigious spouse will require a trial. 

However, what can be done to strengthen the likelihood that your divorce case will reach the uncontested finish line? 

The most significant piece of advice I can give to someone who is hopeful for an uncontested divorce is to not sweat the small stuff. Rather, focus on the bigger picture, which is working towards a divorce that maximizes your financial security, yet balances that against your happiness and mental stability and the happiness and mental stability of your children. 

That means, when your husband brings the children back to you fifteen (15) minutes later than he was supposed to, not treating the situation as though he did not return the children to you at all. Or, if your husband’s appraisal for the marital residence comes back at $500,000, but you are convinced the house is worth $550,000, choosing to be reasonably flexible as to the value rather than to dig your heels in. When you demonstrate some grace and flexibility, you, in turn, find that your spouse is more inclined to meet you in the middle. This can be easier said than done, given what your husband may have put you through. Keep in mind, however, the bigger picture benefits of settling your case versus going to trial.

Self Care During Your Divorce

Moreover, if at all possible, invest in a regimen of self-care during and after divorce, such as participating in therapy, working with a divorce coach, joining divorce support groups, going to church, exercising, getting a massage, writing in a journal, etc. Find what it is that provides you with a healthy sense of peace and rely on that when the going gets tough. And, an added bonus of self-care–your perspective will be sharper, and you will have a better mindset come negotiation/settlement time.

My final piece of advice, particularly in the context of settlement negotiations, is to analyze the costs and the benefits of pursuing a particular position. For example, is it worthwhile to spend thousands of dollars in attorney’s fees to litigate the issue of child support when you and your spouse are only $100 apart? 

Appreciate how critical the financial part of the divorce truly is to you as a woman. Read: What Divorce Does to a Woman: You and Your Money.

Does it make sense to spend time in mediation, time arguing over $1,000 that is missing from the joint checking account, when the collective hourly rate of the attorneys and the mediator is $1,200? Although you might be justified in taking certain positions in your case, you may find that pursuing justice is outweighed by the costs. In other words, pick and choose your battles, particularly those that are going to produce the biggest benefit to you. 

Final Thoughts

In closing, divorce is a process, or sometimes more aptly put, a rollercoaster. While reaching a divorce settlement might seem like an impossible feat at the moment, there is actually something that you and your husband likely agree upon. That is, an uncontested divorce case is mutually beneficial to you both, and for that reason, you will most likely reach the uncontested finish line eventually.

 

Notes:

In addition to being a single mother to a sweet and sassy four-year-old, Stephanie Wilson is a passionate attorney with fifteen years of experience in the family law arena. Over the course of her career, Stephanie has garnered a reputation for her skilled representation, strong work ethic, solid value system, and focus on the family. She is driven to help her clients achieve the freedom, peace, and happiness that they may have otherwise been missing in their unhealthy or unworkable marriage. Stephanie Wilson Family Law can be found at www.swfamilylawga.com. Stephanie invites those in need of a Georgia divorce attorney to contact her directly at stephanie@swfamilylawga.com to schedule a consultation.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

Divorce Checklist for the Modern Woman

The 55 Must Do’s on Your Modern Divorce Checklist

in , , /by

Once you’ve reached an internal decision to divorce, you probably wonder what the external steps to the process will entail. The truth is that your journey is just beginning, and in order to determine the best possible outcomes, you’ll want to be educated and prepared. You may find yourself exhausted searching the internet for answers, only to feel more confused than when you began. We understand this, which is why, drawing from our decade-long, divorce coaching practice, we’ve compiled our most thorough divorce checklist to help you stay focused on what’s important.

A few critical reminders before we get started: Never threaten divorce unless you are ready and organized to file. While you may be anxious to get started with your new life, it’s important that you hold off on filing until after you’ve worked through some of the important frameworks we outline below.

Also, if you have had a divorce thrown at you, do not agree to anything until you are legally informed of your rights and entitlements. Chances are your spouse has been planning this for a long time and you deserve time too to catch up with how things will be split and what is fair for you.  Do not be pressured into agreeing to anything. This is most often a tactic on your spouse’s part to ensure the process takes place fast and before you can advocate for your rights.

Most importantly, do not begin with the list below if you are dealing with abuse. Instead, read our safety guidelines for leaving an abusive marriage. There are other, critical steps to take first.

For those ready to begin the work of getting educated and putting their plan into action, here is a holistic approach to supporting you — and the smart steps to take. Here are your 52 Must-Do’s on Your Modern Divorce Checklist.

Your first black and white steps…

1. Begin by getting a free credit report.

You’ll want to check it for any errors or open accounts that you may not know about. This will also prompt you to start paying attention to your credit score. You’ll want a good credit score, or work on nurturing one, so you can rent an apartment, qualify for a mortgage, or begin the process of establishing your personal financial identity. You can get a copy of your free, current credit report from Equifax, Experian, or TransUnion.

2. Open a checking and savings account in your name at a new bank. 

Go to a bank that you and your spouse don’t currently use (—think fresh starts, so there’s no risk of any confusion between names and accounts). We also recommend you use a large institutional bank so you take advantage of the bank’s various complimentary services and professionals who can help you establish your independence, like mortgage specialists or certified divorce financial analysts and planners.

3. Open a credit card in your name alone.

This is another step toward building your personal credit. Research the best credit card for your lifestyle. Consider one that pays you back with cash toward your statement or cash to your savings.

4. Make a list of all your assets: everything you OWN individually and as a couple.

Don’t forget less obvious things like airline miles, perks, or reward points, and make sure you include any inheritances from before and during the marriage.

  • You will want to collect the latest statement for each asset and record account numbers.
  • Photocopy or use your phone’s camera to record documents that are not in your possession.

5. Make a list of your debt: everything you OWE individually and as a couple.

Don’t forget school loans and personal loans, and a list of anyone who owes you money, how much they owe you, and when they’re supposed to pay you back.

  • Gather a current statement on the debt and a statement from the time of the separation (if it’s already happened.)
  • Photocopy or use your phone’s camera to record documents that are not in your possession.

6. Track what is happening to marital debt.

According to divorce law in most states, you and your spouse are responsible for one another’s debt. You’ll want to lessen this potential burden.

  • Be on the alert if your spouse is spending recklessly. (You can put notifications on your accounts for any high spends or withdrawals.)
  • If this happens, talk to a lawyer right away about legal steps you can take to limit your responsibility. (See step #19.)

7. Gather the past three years’ tax returns.

If you can’t get your hands on yours, contact the IRS for your transcripts or report (the latter costs but it’s what a lawyer would rather evaluate). And be careful with the IRS mailing the reports to your legal home address. Will your spouse get the mail first?

If you cannot access the financial documents, it’s not unusual. When you meet with the lawyer to discuss your circumstances (see below), you will share what you do know and ask the lawyer what happens when one spouse does not know anything about the finances in a divorce. (It’s more common than you think!)

8. Collect passwords to all financial accounts if you can access them.

You may need to access information in your financial accounts, so you’ll want to be sure you have passwords on hand.

9. Create or contribute more to your Emergency Fund. 

An emergency fund is something you need throughout your life, but as you stand at this crossroads now, save cash by putting it to the side. You never know if you may have to reach for it in a hurry.

10. If You are a Stay-at-Home Mom (SAHM) Make Sure Your Emergency Fund Has 3 Months of Financial Reserves.

If you are the spouse with limited access to resources, make sure you have sufficient money saved to pay for three months of expenses. It’s not uncommon that the monied spouse will cut off the non-monied spouse financially during a divorce. (When you talk to a lawyer one of the questions you will ask about is temporary spousal support. (See #19.)

11. Write down your financial and non-financial contributions to the marriage.

Some contributions may be legally relevant and especially helpful to you.

Are there more documents you could organize as you head into divorce? Probably yes, but there’s no need to get ahead of yourself and do potentially needless work. So, wait. Unless a lawyer tells you otherwise, there are other things to tend to.

Practical To-Do’s on Your Divorce Checklist

12. Create a new dedicated email address for the divorce subject. 

Make sure all your communications on the subject go to this email address alone. This makes things easier to keep organized and lessens your chance of being compromised by your spouse.

13. Consider the technology set up in your home and exercise caution.

While using a secret email address is recommended, it is not a full-proof method of keeping your communications safe. If, for example, your cell phone and computer system are backed up to a “family cloud” account, whoever controls the account may be able to read phone numbers you call or any text you send.

We suggest that you contact your computer company (like Apple, Dell, etc.) and mobile carrier service (Verizon, T-Mobile, Sprint, etc.) and talk to a representative to learn if your computer or cell phone could be compromised. We also recommend you ask the representative if there are other measures you could take to digitally protect yourself.

Secure any passwords to shared accounts (especially financial if possible) and your private ones (such as social media accounts). Change all passwords to your private accounts.

14. Maintain privacy on social media.

Do not post anything about your divorce on social media. It could be used against you. Plus, it’s no one’s business but your own.

15. Get a Post Office Box so you can receive important mail to a private safe address.

Give the address to your lawyer. If you can’t afford a PO Box ask a friend or family member if you can have your lawyer send information to their home.

If you’re not ready to act but really, only in the “contemplating” divorce stage, you’ll want to understand what you could be doing instead of just pondering and pondering. For healthy and smart steps to take,  read our “36 Things to Do If You Are Thinking About Divorce.”

Clarify Who You Want to Be Through this Crisis

16. Early on, choose who you want to be as you go through the divorce. 

This will help you remain civil and treat your spouse with respect. If your spouse is the father of your children, remember you still have many important moments and milestones in your future together—birthdays, graduations, weddings, reunions, and funerals. Trying to do the right thing now and throughout the process may not change your spouse’s behavior, but it will set a powerful example to your children who are watching and wondering how it will shake out.

17. If you have kids, keep them in your focus

The best person you can be will also be in alignment with keeping your kids (if you have them) front and center. If you are committed to going through the divorce in the healthiest way for them, it will mean doing what is also healthiest for you—because they need a mama who is healthy and strong and thriving. (Are you now? No, we know.)

For you to discover what the healthiest way is, it will require your getting educated and putting your ducks in a row (—and not just cracking and announcing you want a divorce!). This is why you are here reading this list, and are ready for more. You’ve organized documents and started taking black and white steps, and now, you’ve checked in with who you want to be. 

Remind yourself, that person may be scared, but that person is strong.

Now you’ll learn about the law, your financial choices, how to talk to your spouse, and how to decide on parenting issues. You want to do all this if possible before you talk with your children. (Do not involve the children in your decisions making or encourage them to take sides. That is not fair. Your kids are not adults (even if they act it) and should not be burdened with your adult decisions.) 

What’s most important to know about your kids today, and moving forward, is that the way you and your spouse break up (the degree of or lack of acrimony), and the long-term relationship you and your coparent have is what will determine the long term effect of the divorce on your kids. You’ll want to do your best to negotiate everything fairly with him* so you lessen the risk of emotional problems for them down the road. To know what’s fair it’s going to require your doing the work on this page. 

And if you are divorcing a narcissist, this blog post in particular may help you stand straight as you face oncoming days: 41 Things to Remember If You are Coparenting with a Narcissist.

18. Identify who is going to help you through your divorce. Whom can you trust?

Certainly, you’ll consult with a divorce lawyer to learn your rights (see #19), but beyond the legal or financial decisions, you’ll want someone who can give you perspective, help you problem-solve, hold space for you to be emotional or however you need to be – in confidentiality. Do you have a good friend who has both survived and healed from their divorce? Be careful of friends and family who mean well, but who can’t help sometimes leading with judgment.

Many find the objective and professional support of a therapist or coach to be the best, and in particular, a professional who is experienced with supporting people going through and recovering from divorce. If you are looking for a community with holistic support (that is guidance with the practical, legal, financial and emotional things you must navigate), consider an all-female educational and coaching program like Annie’s Group.

Legal Steps

19. Understand the value of a divorce lawyer.

No state requires you to use a lawyer for your divorce but it makes sense to protect your rights and interests. Chances are that neither you nor your spouse is a divorce attorney and when it comes to the many things that must be legally handled in a divorce, you don’t know what you don’t know.

For instance, you probably don’t realize that many divorce laws are designed to protect women and children. Which is why, this is not a time to be cheap with your life, nor trust what your spouse is telling you. While hiring an attorney will cost money, it may very well save you money and stress down the road. According to the research, recovering economically from divorce is usually harder for women than it is for men. This further reinforces what we know in our divorce coaching practice: if you are a woman, and especially a mother, you cannot afford to make mistakes with this financial negotiation.

20. Identify a local divorce attorney in your state (because divorce law varies from state to state), and schedule a consultation to hear what your rights are.

In this meeting you’ll learn what you are entitled to, and what the law would say about your specific circumstances and questions. Do not rely on what your spouse says. Do not rely on what your neighbor says. Do not rely on what the gang says in your Facebook Group. And be especially careful if your spouse tells you not to contact a lawyer or that you and he can “do this on your own.”

No. Talk to a divorce lawyer, also called a family law or matrimonial attorney. And many of them give free consultations today—so do some research to save yourself. You are worth it.

You can find a lawyer by consulting legal directories such as Avvo.com or Martindale-Hubbel.

21. Before the meeting, organize and prioritize your legal questions about the divorce, and gather 3 years of tax returns.

Your primary agenda for this first meeting with a lawyer is to get answers to your questions and to understand what type of divorce you might be facing. You will want to know what the divorce laws in your state say about how you and your spouse will split assets and debt (which depends on whether you are in a community property state or equitable distribution state); and how the custody of your children will be determined (if you have them). You will also ask specific questions that are weighing on you.

22. We recommend you ask a lawyer about these issues as well

  • Ask the lawyer to explain alimony or spousal support to you, and then if it’s appropriate for your story, your best and worst-case scenarios for this support (especially if you’ve been out of the workforce).

Consider reading:

  • Discuss “temporary spousal support” and how it works, if you have special circumstances that prevent you from working, like your health or caring for a young or special needs child. You may need access to money while the divorce is pending and if your spouse is not willing, the court may have to order your spouse to provide it.
  • Leaving the house: can you leave the marital home with the children or ask him to leave once you announce the divorce? What are important things to know so your actions are not used against you in the divorce?
  • If you are the one who is initiating the divorce, talk to a lawyer about finding a place to live BEFORE you file. How can you afford a place? Or, what are the steps you must put in place to minimize the time you must continue to live together as a couple?

For other questions to ask a lawyer, visit our “Questions to Ask a Divorce Attorney“.

23. When you meet with the attorney, bring these things, so you get specific answers to your questions and fears:

1) Your legal questions, 2) three years of tax returns and 3) the list of your assets and debt. 4) You can also bring a friend or family member for support, but let the lawyer know beforehand so they can discuss confidentiality with you.

In the meeting with the lawyer, try to get your most important questions answered (that’s why you’ve prioritized them). But don’t despair if you don’t get ALL your questions answers. And do expect to walk out with new questions.

24. After meeting with a lawyer, evaluate the lawyer.

Was it someone who made you feel heard and protected? Could you work with them? Record your impressions and what you learned.

Try to meet with a total of three lawyers, if within your budget. Each lawyer will have different perspectives to your situation and the more you talk, the more you’ll learn about your options and how’ll you want to do this.

25. Then understand the different types of divorce.

Among them are DIY, traditional litigation, mediation, or collaborative approach, and think about which method is best for your story. Is it likely you can resolve matters without court? (You’ll want to understand the difference between an uncontested and contested divorce.) Will your spouse ultimately comply? Decide on which method you’d like to use to divorce and if any lawyer you met with, can help you.

26. If you use a lawyer, know that the lawyer works for you—not your spouse.

If you do decide to hire a lawyer, to help you with your Statement of Net Worth or to review your Marital Separation Agreement (MSA) or to represent you in the divorce, you will have to use your own attorney. You and your spouse cannot share one, no matter what your spouse says. Divorce attorneys cannot represent both spouses. That would be a conflict of interest.

27. Let your lawyer know if you will want to change your name (back to your maiden name or something else?) after the divorce.

This will not be done officially until after the divorce is completed (see #51), but it’s good if the lawyer knows this is what you will want.

28. If you need perspective on how to find a lawyer or the right legal process for you, what to ask, what to do next, connect with a divorce coach who does this kind of work routinely.

An extra boon is that most divorce coaches give free consultations because they need to demonstrate what they do and how they can help.  Find one.

Before you move forward with speaking with your spouse about the divorce, we urge you to complete the important, additional steps below.

Financial Feedback Divorce Checklist

29. Determine who your Go-To Financial Person is for the Divorce.

We recommend you not rely simply on a lawyer to determine how things will be split, but to also learn what would be in your best financial interest long term. This requires a financial person skilled with understanding how divorce works.

Ideally, you’ll want to get this financial feedback AFTER you’ve heard the big legal issues in your divorce and BEFORE you announce a divorce or before you respond to your spouse’s request that you get divorced.

You can find this financial advisor at your bank or consult a CDFA. If you cannot afford to consult with one privately you might connect with SAVVY Ladies, a financial nonprofit dedicated to assisting women.

30. Ask a Financial Person these 7 Important Questions

  • What are the best things to optimize in the divorce given your age, skillset, and career options?
  • What is the best financial move for you regarding the marital home? (Should you try to keep it, give it to your spouse, sell it, hold onto it for a certain time, etc.)
  • What do you do with living together while divorcing? What can you afford? Many divorcing couples can’t afford to pay two mortgages or double rent and instead decide to stay in the same home throughout the divorce. For tips on surviving this particular purgatory, read “Women Share How to Survive Living Together During Divorce.
  • If you are leaving the family home, what is your expected budget for renting, or home-owning in the future? Consider your current living expenses and ask for help budgeting what you will need in the future.
  • What are specific financial needs regarding your children and how do you best ensure they be met? You may want to make sure 529 College Savings Plans are created or continue to be contributed to by both spouses? Or do you have a child with special needs who will need long-term financial attention?
  • What do you need to make as income in your future chapter? Consider reading “What Divorce Does to a Woman: You and Your Money.”
  • What is the financial advisor’s perspective on your securing health insurance?

31. Consult with a Real Estate Professional:

Learn the value of your house, what it would sell for in this market, what your options are for housing if you need to move. You can begin by consulting Zillow. But it’s usually in your interest to move beyond the internet with all things divorce and hear specific feedback about your story, your house, its issues, and its pluses.

32. Resolve your health insurance issue.

You’ve talked to the financial person about health insurance. Continue to explore what you will do, if you depend on your spouse’s insurance or he relies on you. There is COBRA to investigate, which is a federal law about health insurance. There is also the Affordable Healthcare Act, sometimes known as ACA, PPACA, or “Obamacare”.

By using its exchange, no matter what state you live in, you can enroll in affordable, quality health coverage. Visit Healthcare.gov to find the link to your state and to evaluate your options. You can also speak to a representative who can advise you. And know, that though the platform or the “Exchange” as it’s called, has a specific enrollment period, you qualify to join at any time of the year if you suddenly divorce or lose your job.

More Smart Moves on Your Divorce Checklist

33. Get a medical exam.

Be sure to take care of any medical issues before you divorce. If there are any hiccups in transferring medical insurance, you’ll want to be sure you’ve already taken care of any regular visits or concerns.

34. Identify and itemize your special possessions: these could be gifts or family heirlooms.

If you need to protect them, hide them, store them, or ask a friend or family member to hold them but make sure you disclose them in any legal documents so your actions cannot be used against you in the divorce.

35. Evaluate what you will need to do with The Move.

Will you be moving or your spouse? Will both of you? You may not want to, or be able to afford to stay in the family home. So this might mean starting to look for apartments ( — consult rentals nearby or AirBnB if you see the solution as temporary), or family and friends you might stay with for a while. This will depend on your financial situation.

If possible, talk to a lawyer about finding a place to live BEFORE you file. It will lessen the pain and stress of living together while getting divorced.

To learn more about moving out and how to go about it, read:

36. Keep a running list of all the documents you need to update once you complete the divorce.

Most legal documents cannot be updated until you have a divorce decree proving a change to your status. These things may include: filing a change of name, changing your will or creating one, or changing beneficiaries on insurance policies.

You can check with your attorney on when you can file changes to these documents.

Talking to Your Spouse and Telling Others

37. Identify your “D Day” and talk to your spouse before telling your kids.

There is never a good time to divorce, but there are better times than others. Look at your family calendar. Consider what’s happening in your children’s lives (are they applying to college? Maybe wait a little bit.) Or perhaps your spouse is up for a promotion, or you are? Evaluate your options and talk to a lawyer (see next step) and financial person about strategy, but after becoming informed and prepared, target a day to speak to your spouse. It could be a soft date, but it’s important to have an end date for ending the pain.

38. Check in with the lawyer you are going to use for the divorce (if you will use one) and discuss when you will file for divorce. 

Consider having “The Talk” with your husband before you tell the lawyer to go ahead “and file” and before your husband is served papers.

39. Plan the Day and “The Talk”

Consider where you will be (we recommend outside, away from home triggers), who will be around (can you arrange for the children to be elsewhere? ), what you will say (keep it simple), how you will do it (state it as simply as possible, be firm and clear but kind. “John, I just can’t keep living like this anymore. I want a divorce.”) Think about how he will respond and all the things he will say, but it doesn’t matter, your truth is your truth. Repeat your line: “John, I just can’t keep living like this anymore. I want a divorce.”

Give your spouse time to process what you’ve said, then discuss with him when and how you will tell the children. Make sure to share with him how it would be good if you both had a plan of how things will go before the children are told. Agree on a date for that and what you will say. This may take some time to allow for your spouse to catch up.

Drill down more by reading …

Parenting Considerations

40. Evaluate the best custody schedules for your family if you have children.

Many people don’t realize they can choose or create the schedules that they think would work best for their family—they don’t have to automatically do what the lawyers suggest.

Research your options and consider your and your spouse’s work routines and your kids’ needs. (Ideally, you are doing this with your spouse.) In general, the family court system will want your children to spend equal time with each parent, which means 50 percent of the time with you and 50 percent of the time with their dad. So, be honest with yourself and know it’s likely your kids will be away from you half the time. Do your best to make it easy on them.

If you don’t think your children should live with their father, make sure you talk to a lawyer about this. Be sure to also ask: “How much will it cost for me to try to get sole physical custody?”

Read this piece for important information: Best Advice on Custody for Divorcing Moms.

41. Make a parenting plan for the interim period until you divorce and for afterward.

This should include not only the parenting schedule but also involve details regarding holidays, important religious celebrations, medical, and educational needs.

42. Use a parenting app and create a detailed list of your children’s needs related to activities, health, schooling, and well-being.

To lessen confusion, stress, and direct contact, consider using a parenting app to keep everything organized and easily shared. A neutral tool will streamline your communication and information sharing. We suggest Family Wizard because it’s most often recommended by family courts. It is also the most well-known parenting app.

43. Prepare for what you will say, and tell your children together that you are divorcing or separating.

This is one of the hardest moments if not the hardest moment of the challenge, facing your kids and telling them how their reality is going to change. Discuss with their father what you will say to them in advance, and impress on him how important it is to have a plan to show your kids that there will be structure.

And know you may not be able to rely on their dad to team up with you for this talk.

For support and more steps, read:

44. Line up support for your children.

Tell your children’s schools as soon as you know there will be a divorce and ask for any resources the school may have or recommend. Evaluate therapists who may support your kids individually.  Children deserve a safe space to vent without worrying how it will affect you or your spouse.

Steps Toward Your Next Chapter

45. Take steps to separate your lives.

Begin separating how you do things and how you live.  Turn to others instead of turning to your spouse.  Are there other accounts you should be opening as you consider moving apart? And where will you live after the divorce? Did you ask the financial advisor what the best play is for you regarding your house or future living arrangements?

46. Think about your employment.

Whether this means going back to work, looking for a side hustle to increase your income, or transitioning to another kind of job, divorce can be a catalyst for our ambition. Yes, divorce can be a good thing. Ask the financial advisor what your expected reality will be for money after the divorce, what you will need to make for income going forward, and what you should be shooting for to contribute to your retirement fund.

47. If you are unemployed and have skills to find a job, your next critical step is to start your job search.

You might consider a career coach who can help you evaluate your strengths, strategize your resume, and organize your search, especially if you’ve been out of the workforce for a long time. Check out iRelaunch for helpful resources, advice and guidance.

Post-Divorce Checklist

It didn’t happen overnight but now you are on the Other Side of divorce. Having arrived here, there are still things to take care of and new things to (excitedly) consider.

48. Make sure all retirement accounts, investment accounts, and monies got transferred over as stipulated by your divorce judgment.

Make sure you’re checking that everything was completed correctly in accordance with your judgment. Prepare to make whatever calls you need to.

49. Change beneficiaries on all your accounts and policies (unless you negotiated otherwise in your divorce).

You may not even remember all of the places you listed your Ex as a beneficiary or emergency contact. Make sure to change or check on these designations.

50. Get a few copies of your divorce decree notarized so you can submit it for official things in the future.

Then file it, baby!

51. Change your name legally if you choose.

Don’t forget your driver’s license, social security card, passport, credit card, and bank account to update. For many accounts, you will need to submit a copy of your signed divorce decree.

52. Change vehicle titles (if appropriate)

Again, what matters is what’s on paper. Even if you physically have the car, you’ll want to make sure it is legally yours and registered to you.

53. Check your credit report again.

Make sure nothing new has happened and you know what your current credit score is.

54. Create a new Will, Power of Attorney, and Healthcare Directive.

So much has changed in your life, and that means your end-of-life plans may be very different as well. Make sure to update these documents with your new preferences to avoid any mistakes once you’re no longer around to advocate for yourself.

55. Make a plan for how you will care for yourself and continue to create your best independent life.

You are not fully healed or completed just because you’ve signed a legal document. But you are in a very different stage than the beginning. You are now working on your divorce recovery. Critical to this recovery plan is identifying the right people you will surround yourself with going forward.

Read 100 Must Do’s for the Newly Divorced, Independent Woman.

For many, finding other women who understand what they are going through and what they have been through as with a divorce recovery group for women, can have a huge impact on one’s individual healing. Surrounded by others who “get it” can help you feel saner, provide calm and give you a much-needed perspective on your own story. With the right people, you’ll be able to speak honestly and authentically. You’ll even be able to share some much-needed laughs that others who haven’t been down this road (—sorry, Ozzie and Harriet) simply will never understand.

Closing Thoughts

Divorce is challenging. It’s a life crisis. But by compiling this divorce checklist and putting the items in one place with suggested sequencing, our goal is to slow things down and guide you as you get informed logically and healthily. In doing this we hope to lessen the overwhelm that naturally accompanies this crisis. Even so, this checklist may require multiple read-throughs depending on where you are in your process. If it’s too much to nail down all of these moving parts in one fell swoop or two (very likely) then simply save or bookmark our checklist somewhere safe for you to return to throughout your journey.

You will get through this. Breathe, and stay committed to you.

 

Notes

Whether you are thinking about divorce, dealing with it, or recreating the life you deserve, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do it alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you—and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

* At SAS, we support same-sex marriages. For the sake of ease, we may refer to the Ex as “he/him” but we understand that exes come with many gender identities. 

Divorce decree and Divorce certificate

What’s the Difference Between a Divorce Decree and a Divorce Certificate?

in /by

Legal terms and documentation concerning divorce can often be confusing, especially for people going through the emotional charges of a divorce and its trying legal process. Understanding the difference between a divorce decree and divorce certificate is just one of the many important details you may find yourself sorting through.

In 2019, there were more than 750,000 divorces and annulments in the United States. That means a lot of people changed their marital status, and to do so, they had to undergo various marriage dissolutions or disbanding complications.

Today, we will focus on two often mistakenly interchangeable terms—a divorce decree (also called “final decree/judgment”) and a divorce certificate.

And yes, these are two entirely different documents. So, without further ado, let’s find out how to distinguish one from the other.

What is a Divorce Decree?

Here’s a simple divorce decree definition: it is a document that officially ends a marriage and has provisions concerning the duties and responsibilities of each party after divorce. In addition, a decree can incorporate a settlement agreement if the couple agrees on all terms between themselves.

These terms include financial obligations (e.g., alimony and child support), custodial rights, property division, etc. The spouses and the judge must sign this decree.

Several states have a mandatory waiting period before the issuing of a final judgment. For example, in New York, divorces are granted no sooner than 60 days after the petition is filed. However, the waiting period can also be waived in certain circumstances.

The signed decree should be filed with the clerk’s office when both spouses, often in the presence of their lawyers, have agreed on and signed the settlement agreement. It can also happen after the final hearing is over—if there was a hearing. The signed decree is essential because the case is not finalized until the clerk at the court receives, records and stamps this signed document.

Is a Divorce Decree the Same as a Judgment of Divorce?

Yes, the divorce decree, the final decree of divorce, and the final judgment of divorce are different names for the same document. So, for example, in California, the spouses will receive the “Judgment,” in New York State, it will be called “Judgment of Divorce,” and “Final Decree of Divorce” in Texas.

On rare occasions, you can stumble onto the name “divorce sentence document,” which has become obsolete and is rarely used in connection to divorce in the U.S. As you see, there can be several alterations of the same title.

What Does a Divorce Decree Look Like?

A divorce decree is a several-page long document. The title page begins with the case (or cause) number, the name and address of the court that handles the case, and the full names of both spouses.

Below goes the name of the document, usually in large bold letters. The title will most likely have the words “decree” or “judgment.”

Although the form of this document is different in each state, the content is more or less the same.

Essential Parts of a Divorce Decree

  1. Information about the plaintiff and the defendant: full name, address, phone number, social security number, employer’s address, etc.
  2. Jurisdiction. Basically, the court states that it has the power to enter judgment concerning the marriage dissolution based on the residency of the parties.
  3. Information about children. The names, social security numbers, ages, and addresses of all children (natural or adopted) under 18 years old or those older than 18 attending high school at the moment of filing for divorce.
  4. Conservatorship matters. This section is especially long. It addresses the issues of the conservatorship type (sole or joint), the visitation schedule, each parent’s essential duties, and responsibilities, etc.
  5. Child support: who will pay child support and who will receive it, how much it will be, who will pay for medical and dental costs and insurance, etc.
  6. Property Division. This chapter determines each party’s separate property (belonging to only one spouse) and marital property. For example, it can be anything from real estate and vehicles to furniture and wedding bands. The decree also includes the orders on how to split the assets and debts between the parties. (See What is a Divorce Financial Settlement?)
  7. Spousal support. This section determines who will pay it, in what amount, and for how long.
  8. Name change. The spouses can ask to change their names back to their maiden names in this section.
  9. Court costs. This part states that the party that incurred the costs is responsible for paying them unless they requested a waiver and the court approved it.

How Many Pages is a Divorce Decree?

The more complex the situation between the spouses, the more pages and information a divorce decree will have. For example, judgments concerning simple marriage dissolutions may consist of 3-8 pages. But some cases require a decree of up to 25 pages.

An average divorce decree form has 8-15 parts (sometimes even more) that the spouses fill out (with or without the help of their lawyers or a mediator) if their case is uncontested.

And that is one of the tell-tale differences between the decree and the certificate. The former has more pages and content, while the latter typically comes printed on one page.

What is a Certified Divorce Decree Copy?

The marriage dissolution process ends with the court’s review of the signed divorce decree, or when the court hearings are over, all the documents are signed, and the divorce decree is filed with the court clerk. Once it is entered into the system, the clerk’s office where the initial papers were filed can provide the ex-spouses with a certified copy of the final judgment.

Basically, a certified copy of a divorce decree is a paper copy of the original document signed by the notary or person holding it. The clerk will probably charge a specific fee for the verified copy (approximately $10-$15).

In some states, a copy of the decree can be ordered online. Yet, most of them require that it be collected in person.

SAS Tip: Once divorced, we recommend you contact your courthouse or via online arrange to receive 3-5 copies of your notarized divorce decree. You may need a notarized version for official dealings in your future (like reverting to your maiden name) and you will not want to lose control of your original notarized version.

Sometimes, a person needs to present a copy of the decree to another court, e.g., for resolving child-related matters. In this case, they would need an exemplified copy of their judgment.

Exemplification of a divorce decree is a similar procedure to the certification. The difference is that a certified copy is signed by the clerk only, while the exemplified one is signed by both the clerk and the judge.

What is a Divorce Certificate?

A certificate of divorce is a document providing basic information about the divorced couple that states the fact the marriage ended.

What does a divorce certificate look like? It usually consists of one page and has the full names of the parties, date, time, and place of divorce. Sometimes, it also includes the place and date of where the now-dissolved marriage was entered.

The court does not issue a divorce certificate. Instead, it comes from the State Department of Health or similar institutions, such as the Vital Records Department. These institutions often allow ordering the certificate online after the case is final. Either spouse can access this document upon providing a driver’s license, ID card, or other photo-ID forms.

When Would You Need a Divorce Certificate?

A divorce certificate serves as proof of the divorce. It serves the following purposes:

  • Name change;
  • Remarriage;
  • Obtaining a visa or passport;
  • Insurance and retirement matters;
  • Getting driver’s licenses, etc.

Usually, there are no confidential details of a divorce order in this certificate. For this reason, many people choose to show this document instead of the decree as proof of their marital status.

Let’s sum up the above information.

1. Divorce Decree vs. Divorce Certificate

There’s no such thing as a divorce decree certificate. A divorce decree and a certificate are two separate documents. A divorce decree usually consists of several pages. It contains all the marriage dissolution terms, such as property division and child custody arrangements.

Conversely, the primary purpose of a divorce certificate is to prove the fact the marriage ended. It is printed on a single page and only contains the names of the parties and the date and place of divorce.

2. Judgment of Divorce vs. Divorce Decree

The divorce decree has the same meaning as the judgment of divorce. In essence, these are different names for the same document. Legally speaking, a judgment (decree) is a written court order stating that the spouses are divorced.

After the spouses and the judge signs this order, it must be filed with the clerk, who will enter it into the system. Until then, the marriage dissolution is not final.

 

Notes

Jamie Kurtz is a divorce lawyer and a member of the LA County Bar Association and the State Bar of California. She’s a co-founder of a law firm dealing with uncontested divorces and a contributing writer for OnlineDivorce.com, an online divorce papers preparation service.

Since 2012 smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional and oftentimes complicated experience of divorce. We invite you to learn what’s possible for you. Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation with SAS. Whether you are thinking about it or actively dealing with divorce, choose to acknowledge your vulnerability and learn from others. Choose to not go it alone.

Uncontested Divorce a by Weheartit

What’s the Difference Between an Uncontested and Contested Divorce?

in , /by

When most people think of divorce, they think of conflict. After all, that is the image of divorce that we see time and time again. According to pop culture, it seems like the only way to call it quits is to engage in an expensive, lengthy, and stressful fight in which nobody really wins.

According to the CDC, America’s divorce rate has declined (in general) by 27.5% between 2000 and 2018, but it’s still a common enough experience, especially if you are a woman of a certain age. So, shouldn’t we find a better way to break up?

There are lots of great ways to skip the epic court battle in favor of a more peaceful approach. No matter the method, they all come down to one important key term: uncontested divorce.

What is a Contested Divorce?

Before we get into the details of uncontested divorce, let’s learn a little bit about contested divorce. This is the model of divorce which the uncontested ethic seeks to avoid.

Before your divorce is finalized, you and your Ex will need to figure out what to do about issues like property division, alimony, child support, and child custody. Sometimes couples begin the divorce process with a spirit of compromise, but often divorcing couples face major disagreements.

A contested divorce is when a divorcing couple is unable to reach a mutual agreement and therefore relies on a judge or arbitrator to develop divorce terms that are fair in the eyes of the law.

In general, contested divorce should be a last resort. It tends to be a more expensive, lengthier, and more stressful process than developing your own settlement agreement.

However, if your relationship with your Ex remains extremely adversarial despite your best efforts, then contested divorce is the best and only way to dissolve your marriage and begin the next phase of your life, a phase that may be more exciting than you can possibly imagine right now.

What is an Uncontested Divorce?

When a divorcing couple manages to reach their own settlement agreement, either by themselves or with the support of legal counsel or a divorce coach, they avoid needing a judge to make the important decisions. We call this an uncontested divorce. This means your and your spouse (or team) successfully negotiate divorce terms like child custody, child and spousal support, and the division of shared debts and assets.

There are a lot of reasons why an uncontested divorce is often the better option. For starters, it’s usually a lot less stressful than ending up in court.

It also tends to be faster than contested divorce, because you aren’t at the mercy of an overloaded court system. Because less time means fewer billable hours, uncontested divorces are also usually a lot less expensive than their contested counterparts.

Finally, when you opt for an uncontested divorce, you and your soon-to-be Ex retain a lot more control. The two of you have the final say in the terms of your divorce, and nothing can happen without both of you signing off on it. This can be especially important for parents, because it can be really hard to accept a stranger making decisions about your child.

This probably sounds really appealing, but is it really this easy?

As it turns out, you don’t actually have to like your Ex in order to cooperate with them.

How Uncontested Divorce Works

Uncontested divorce doesn’t mean that you and your spouse have to agree on everything right off the bat. Initially, the two of you only have to agree that you both want to make uncontested divorce work. Once that’s established, you’ll work together to choose the best method for your family.

Some lucky couples have pretty good communication to begin with, they just don’t want to stay married. These folks might be good candidates for DIY divorce. This means they fill out paperwork, draft their settlement agreement, and submit to their local court for the final approval.

If you and your spouse know what terms you want but are a bit intimidated by the process, we don’t blame you! If this sounds like you, then you might be better off ending your marriage through an online divorce platform.

These services handle the paperwork for you at an affordable flat rate. Some more comprehensive divorce packages will even manage your divorce case from start to finish. This means you won’t have to give it another thought after you finish answering their questionnaire.

Uncontested Divorce Support

You can also work with a mediator if you’d like. Mediators usually have a background in either law, psychology or finance, and they are trained to help you and your spouse negotiate more effectively. They cost more than an online divorce platform, but usually much less than a full-on court case.

Finally, you may rely on traditional divorce attorneys who have proven themselves as good negotiators. Hiring an attorney does not mean you are necessarily going to court. What is means is that you are relying on this traditional model to change the status of your marriage. Using a divorce attorney to advocate for you may wise if you have children, assets, or considerable debt.

Regardless of what model you decide upon as you seek your uncontested divorce, at SAS for Women, we recommend that every woman secure a private legal consultation with a divorce attorney (not a mediator, nor a collaborative divorce attorney first) to hear what your rights are and what you are entitled to BEFORE you and your spouse start splitting things up.

Is Uncontested Divorce Right for You?

For some divorcing couples, uncontested divorce is a no-brainer. They can agree on divorce terms immediately, they get along well enough, and they’re ready to take on this new project with gusto or determination.

For others, uncontested divorce is a goal to work towards, but they’re not sure if they’ll be able to manage it. Well, I’m here to tell you that when both parties have the right attitude, this goal is utterly attainable.

When it comes down to it, the key to a successful uncontested divorce is not sweating the small stuff. You shouldn’t let yourselves get riled up over every last piece of silverware, or you won’t maintain the calm necessary to stay out of court.

Instead, focus on the big things like your home, car(s), and, most importantly, your kids. If you can sort out these complex issues, the rest will fall into place.

If you are thinking about or beginning the divorce process, consider Annie’s Group, our virtual group coaching program for women looking for support, structure, and a safe community.

It can also be really helpful to take a deep breath and remind each other why you want to keep your divorce uncontested whenever you feel tensions starting to rise. It benefits everyone involved when you take a more peaceful approach to divorce.

When in doubt, re-focus on what matters.

If you and your Ex are parents, it might even help to keep a physical copy of your child’s photo on the negotiating table. It’s nice to constantly have that implicit reminder of why you’re doing this. The more time and money you spend on your divorce, the less you have left over for your kid.

Breaking up is almost always a difficult prospect. When you said “I do,” you expected it to last forever, and it can be really hard to give up on that dream. It can be hard managing a household alone, or sleeping by yourself, or not seeing your spouse across the dinner table.

However, just because breaking up is hard doesn’t mean that the divorce process has to be. If you’ve been searching for a way to approach your divorce with a greater degree of mutual respect, consider this the sign you’ve been waiting for.

 

Notes

Moriel Berger is a Los Angeles native with a background in writing and marketing, primarily in the startup world. She is a J.D. Candidate at Loyola Law School and holds B.A. in Liberal Arts from Sarah Lawrence College. After watching her parents go through a prolonged and painful divorce when she was in her early twenties, Moriel became inspired to learn about more positive alternatives, which eventually led her to join the team at It’s Over Easy.

SAS women are those amazing ladies you meet who are entirely committed to rebuilding their lives on their own, healthiest terms. If you are recreating after divorce or separation, you are invited to experience SAS for Women firsthand. Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation. Whether you work further with us or not, we’ll help you understand your next, black-and-white steps for walking into your brave unknown — with compassion, integrity and excitement.
Divorce decree

Demystifying Your Divorce Decree

in /by

What is a Divorce Decree? And who decides what’s in it?

The Divorce Decree, often referred to as the “Judgment of Divorce” or “JOD,” is the document that makes your divorce official under the law. It’s an Order of the Court that formally dissolves a marriage.

As anyone who has been through the process will tell you, the road to that Divorce Decree is long even in a straightforward case, and just when you think the end is in sight, there is often another bend in the path. People are usually relieved to arrive at a Divorce Agreement (the final resolution of all the issues in the divorce by agreement of you and your spouse—with or without the assistance of a court along the way) only to learn that the divorce process is not quite over.

Divorce Decree vs. Divorce Agreement

The Divorce Decree is a completely separate document from your Divorce Agreement, and no one even starts thinking about the Decree until the divorce case is fully settled between you and your spouse and memorialized in the Divorce Agreement, or all the issues have been decided by the Court.

The Divorce Decree is only a handful of pages whereas the Divorce Agreement could be fifty or sixty pages. However, just about every Decree includes a sentence saying that the terms of the Agreement are made a part of the Decree “by reference.” This means that each term of your very, very detailed Agreement is solidly enforceable regardless of whether it is also specifically mentioned in the brief Decree.

The Divorce Decree is prepared by your lawyer and submitted to the Court to be signed by the Judge. Most often you, your spouse and your lawyers agree to the wording of the JOD and sign off on the Decree that is submitted to the Court. But sometimes you won’t be able to agree on the terms of the Decree. When this happens, each party submits a Proposed Judgment to the Court and the Judge chooses which one to sign.

Once the Judge signs the Decree, it needs to be processed by the County Clerk’s Office and entered into the County’s records. Only then is the Judgment finally ready for pickup.The lawyer who filed the Judgment is usually the one who obtains a copy from the Court, and she will serve it on the other party with a cover sheet called the Notice of Entry. Service of the Divorce Decree with Notice of Entry and filing a copy of that Notice of Entry in Court makes your divorce as official and final as can be.

I keep hearing about “Divorce Papers.” What are those?

The Judgment of Divorce is submitted to the Court with about fifteen other documents (give or take depending on the case, but always including your Divorce Agreement if you have one). Some of these need to be signed by you, some need to be signed by your Ex, and some are signed by one or both of your respective attorneys. Together, these documents are referred to as “Divorce Papers.”

One spouse’s lawyer will prepare the Papers, and the other spouse’s lawyer will review and edit them. The back-and-forth over the Divorce Papers usually takes a few weeks, but take heart: this process is generally low stress and a world away from negotiating the Divorce Agreement.

The court system in most places is very strict about the contents of the Papers so the negotiation about the contents primarily centers around technical concerns and formalities rather than substance.

Related: How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Divorce? And 4 Signs You Are On Your Way

So when will I have that final Decree in hand?

In geographic areas with busy court systems, like New York City, it often takes about three months from when your lawyer files your Divorce Papers until the Judgment of Divorce is signed by the Court, entered into County records by the Clerk, and made ready for pickup. In today’s automated world, this long processing time seems shocking, but the Court system is mind-bogglingly old fashioned even in the “greatest city in the world.” In other places in the country it could be must faster—or slower.

Your lawyer needs to send someone to hand deliver the Divorce Papers to the Courthouse where there is sometimes only a single person whose job it is to review and accept the Papers. When this person takes a vacation, no Divorce Papers can be filed. It is as simple (and absurd) as that. Depending on whether your case was ever in litigation or not, your Papers will either go directly to your Judge or be randomly assigned. Reviewing Divorce Papers is tedious grunt work, and all the Judges have stacks of them so they tend to hang out for a while. When the Papers finally make it off the Judge’s desk and are recorded in the Clerk’s Office, your lawyer is not notified by email but instead by postcard.

But I’m ready to work on moving on and putting the divorce process behind me. Am I at the mercy of the County Clerk to start living like I’m divorced?

The good news is that most people will feel emotionally divorced upon the signing of their Divorce Agreement and Divorce Papers.

The “Big Day” in the life cycle of a divorce is the day the you and your soon-to-be Ex sign your Divorce Agreement—or less frequently, the day the Judge hands down a final decision after a trial on the issues in the divorce.

By the time most people receive their signed and entered Divorce Decree in the mail from their attorney they have put much of the upheaval of the divorce process behind them. They’ve been living by the custody and support terms of their Divorce Agreement for a few months and have divided most, if not all, of their property. They’ve begun the important work of individually recovering and rebuilding their lives.

Is there anything that absolutely must wait until I receive my Divorce Decree?

While most of the terms of your divorce go into effect when you sign an Agreement or after a Judge decides the issues in your case, there is one big exception.

You cannot make changes to health insurance coverage until the Divorce Decree is entered in the Clerk’s Office. The law is extremely strict about this—you are entitled to remain on your spouse’s health insurance plan until the Judgment of Divorce is entered into the records of the County Clerk.

My Divorce Decree is finally ready. Where do I get a copy, and what do I need it for?

You can obtain a Certified copy of your Judgment of Divorce at any time for a nominal fee. In New York County the fee is $8.00 plus a few cents per page in copy charges. Some counties allow you to obtain a Certified copy by mail, but others still require you to go to the County Clerk’s Office in person. If you are represented by an attorney, he or she will usually obtain a Certified copy and send it to you for your records as a matter of routine.

The Divorce Decree is an extremely important record akin to a birth certificate or marriage certificate. You will need it if you want to change your name after divorce and again to obtain a marriage license if you want to remarry someday. It is also proof of your divorce that may be relevant to areas like your income taxes, insurance policies, social security benefits, and retirement accounts.

Your Divorce Decree is also a powerful document because it is a Court Order. If you ever need to call the police because there is a custody problem, you will want to have the Decree to show them. Similarly, if you ever need to go to Court to change or enforce the terms of your divorce, you will need to submit a copy of the Decree.

Two or three Certified copies retrieved directly from the Court is probably enough to maintain on hand as a photocopy will suffice for many purposes. You can obtain additional copies at any time no matter how long ago your Divorce was filed.

 

For more than 20 years, Nina Epstein and law partner Elyse Goldweber have helped individuals and families in the New York City metropolitan area with the full range of legal issues associated with creation and dissolution of personal unions—including divorce, separation, and child custody and support. Ariella Deutsch is a more recent but no less passionate member of their legal team. 

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.