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Divorce and friendships

Divorce and Friendships: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Divorce and friendships can be a tricky thing. Divorce brings out the best and the worst in people, yes, but they don’t make it clear enough that this truth applies to not only you and your partner but the people who make up your world—your colleagues, family members, and friends.

Divorce makes people curious: what do you think happened to them? Divorce makes people panic: you don’t think that could happen to us, too, do you? It makes people withdraw: she just has so much going on right now, and I don’t know what to say to her. And sympathize: you’re sure you’re taking care of yourself, right? And it’s all, for the most part, done with the best of intentions, but those intentions don’t make you feel any less like an ant under a magnifying glass waiting to get burned.

Divorce and friendships

And yet, there’s a part of us that still wants to be under that magnifying glass, burn marks or not, because ultimately, we want to feel seen and heard and understood in a time when we feel anything but. Some friends rally—they break out the wine and get you out of your home and give you a reason to laugh again—and others disappoint. Some friends view you and your Ex as a unit, and now that you’ve gone your separate ways, it’ll be hard for them to reconcile this new reality with their old one. When the latter looks at you, they can only see the old you. And you’ll feel like you can never measure up to a standard you set for yourself. You just aren’t that person anymore.

Then you’ll have friends who feel like the rallying kind but are most definitely not. These friends can be single or partnered, but in any case, they are usually unhappy. They perceive you as having been “brought down to their level” and want someone else to join their pity party, often times leading to conversations that are circular and counterproductive to your divorce recovery. And finally, you’ll have friends who disappear entirely (often the same people who withdraw: see above).

As we said, divorce and friendships can be a tricky thing. There’s the good, the bad, and the ugly, and only some of it is within your control. But some is better than none. And because you’re here, we know that you’re smart and brave enough to survive this—you already understand that getting a divorce means stepping into the unknown, but that, of course, doesn’t mean you can’t prepare yourself for what lies ahead.

What to expect

After divorce, the nature of your relationship with friends might be different depending on a few factors, like whether or not those friends are single or in a relationship themselves and how long you’ve known them, for instance. Most of the time we leave relationships with the friendships we brought into them—it’s those friendships we made together that can be harder to handle. Many people lose their couple friends after divorce, but roughly one in six divorced people have said they became closer to their individual friends.

There can be awkwardness on both sides of a friendship after a breakup. With couple friends, especially, they may feel like they are being asked to take sides or bad mouth your Ex when they’re not around, even when you’ve said nothing to make them feel this way. Divorce also has a way of causing people to look inward at their own marriage, putting strain on cracks that may already exist. Divorce can be contagious in that way.

For you, seeing a couple go on normally—doing simple things like being affectionate or cooking dinner together—can be triggering. Logically, you know the world has kept on spinning even as your own personal universe feels like it’s come to a screeching halt, but logic doesn’t make facing the truth any easier. Seeing other people’s happiness might somehow feel like another loss, until one day it doesn’t and you realize you’ve really moved on.

Maintaining friendships after divorce

If you want to maintain your relationship with a friend your Ex and you share, try reaching out to them rather than withdrawing, and don’t make them take sides. You might set boundaries with your friends when breaking the news of your divorce by saying something like, “I know [insert your Ex’s name here] is a part of your life, too. I want you to know that I won’t badmouth him to you or use our friendship as a weapon against him. Your friendship means a lot to me.”

But sometimes, divorce can shove you even further outside your comfort zone. Once the dust has cleared a bit, you might look up and find that your friendships aren’t as strong as you’d like them to be, especially your individual friendships. Use this time to reconnect and strengthen bonds you may have formed before and during your relationship. People will often surprise you, welcoming you back into their lives and allowing you to create something new.

How to start over

If you’re looking to form new friendships after divorce, you might start with pursuing what makes you happy—do things you’ve always wanted to try or something you already know you’ll enjoy (a hiking club, archery, indoor rock climbing, salsa or tango classes, trivia night, or book club, etc.). Maybe you are looking for like-minded women who are also committed to personal development or rebuilding their lives after divorce? Open yourself up to where and how you might find them. Sometimes you can discover like-minded women in local groups on platforms like Meetup.org or Facebook. Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone in a virtual group who’ll become a new friend?

But if you’re not starting over completely—you’d like to reconnect with an old friend, for example—you can usually begin with something simple, like grabbing a glass of wine and video chatting. It’s a good, low-pressure way of catching up and getting to know each other again before making plans to do something that’s a larger commitment. (Especially if you are still social distancing, or you don’t live near one another, or if extra time and money can be a challenge to come by.)

When you break the news of your divorce to friends, you’ll get a range of responses, most of which have less to do with you and the specifics of your relationship and more to do with whatever’s going on in your friend’s own life at that moment.

But whether your friends react with curiosity, sympathy, panic, or something else altogether, know that, just like you, they are likely trying their best. Divorce and friendships can be difficult to navigate, but those relationships are also so important in helping us get through life’s challenges. Try not to isolate yourself during or after your divorce. Find or create—and then sustain—a support system. No matter what happens in life, we’ll always be in need of a good friend.

 

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

What not do to during divorce

What Not to Do During Divorce: 7 Must Knows

Divorce, like a marriage, takes mapping and maneuvering. There’s a lot of good common sense advice out there about what to do and what not to do during divorce. But as a writer who is forever curious, I sometimes find the don’ts a more appealing research subject.

Divorce is a regular occurrence in the US, but of course, it wasn’t always this way. Divorce as a research subject can be a slippery thing because it can still feel taboo to some people, but luckily, that attitude feels as if it’s more the exception rather than the rule these days.

It has taken five generations for the conversation of what not to do during a divorce to become common.

So, I asked a variety of divorced individuals what their advice is about “don’t dos” in divorce. The following is my recap of their suggestions and lessons learned.

1. The unanimous consensus was “don’t be unnecessarily nasty about it”

In other words, don’t set out to ruin your Ex’s life or punish them.

“In my divorce things have gone fairly smoothly, but that’s mainly due to the number one rule I feel all divorcees should abide by, which is, no matter what happened in your marriage, a divorce should be amicable,” said Millie*, a Washington state resident.

Washington is one of 18 states that is considered truly no-fault, which means no legal grounds have to be established for a divorce to be granted. You don’t have to have a reason, or blame the other—you can simply divorce. The benefit of this is that your divorce is over faster and with less expense. All 50 states have a no-fault option, but in others, there are established grounds for finding fault. These include: addiction, adultery, bigamy, desertion or abandonment, impotence, imprisonment, marriage between close relatives, marriage obtained by fraud or force, mental or physical abuse and/or cruelty, and mental illness or mental incapacity at the time of the marriage.

2. Don’t rush into a decision without examining your options

Jenny, another person I spoke with, noted that there aren’t just divorce law differences state to state, but county to county, which underscores another “don’t do” in divorce: don’t rush forward with divorce without examining your options, such as where to file. One county might review each case for fairness, but another may just push claims through. If you are guarding against being taken advantage of and don’t trust your Ex to be civil, then don’t accept the filing without looking first at what some other options might be.

Accepting that “you don’t know what you don’t know” leads you to wonder how will you find out fully and clearly what you are entitled to and what your rights are? And how will you handle this emotionally, or as a mother, or the primary breadwinner, or the stay-at-home-mom? Not knowing what you don’t now know is a good reason to consider working with a divorce coach or attorney.

3. Don’t be a pushover

The above suggestions counsel you not to be unnecessarily cruel or naïve, but another thing not to do? Be careful about being too nice. You don’t want guilt, confusion, or a lack of desire to lead your decision making. Women must understand that for them rebuilding their lives after divorce is harder than it is for men.

“I wish I would have consulted a lawyer, so I got what I deserved instead of what he made me feel like I deserved,” said Leticia, a woman in Manhattan.

“I wish,” said Patty, in Texas, “That I had put some money aside, opened my own bank account, and planned ahead instead of making a quick decision.”

Once you do begin looking at your options, don’t leave anything to memory. Document everything—every phone call, every bank deposit. Even simple divorces (usually from shorter marriages involving no joint bank accounts and no children) are complicated, and in the midst of it, you are probably going to be searching for a new place to live, possibly a new school for your children. You might be moving, changing jobs, and experiencing a wide variety of emotions—yours and your loved ones. Documentation may end up saving you from making an expensive or time-consuming mistake.

4. Don’t “use” your children

With regard to children, another “don’t” of divorce is to not use your children as leverage or have conversations with your Ex about the process (or vent to a friend about it) in front of them. You and your Ex made your children together; the marriage may be ending but the effort to raise them to be as healthy and happy as possible should not be.

5. Don’t go it alone

Finding your allies is another common theme among the people I spoke with. Whether you consult a court liaison to help you file, use an online divorce site, hire a divorce attorney or a divorce coach (or both), there are too many life-impacting aspects of divorce to try to just wing it. Assuming you’ll think of everything is setting yourself up for missing something. Conversely, don’t go “War of the Roses” on the thing and bring your lawyer in to haggle over a serving dish. Focus on the essentials.

6. Don’t do nothing now

And speaking of essentials, the chances are good that part of your income will be missing after a divorce, at least for a period of time, so don’t go into the process without first setting up a separate bank account for expenses, whether those funds go toward lawyers’ fees, a deposit on an apartment, paying off a credit card, college courses to advance your own income or a counselor for your children. Along these same lines, don’t forget to check your spouse’s credit score and your own and close joint bank accounts.

7. Don’t jump into your next serious relationship

In the interest of guarding your emotional assets as well as the financial ones, it’s probably best not to jump into a new relationship right after divorce or before it’s finished—especially if you live in a state where there is grounds for establishing fault. The ethical question of cheating is a whole other article, but it needs to be said, as it’s one of the leading causes of divorce in the first place. Pretend that everything you are doing, saying, posting, or tweeting is under a microscope, and once the divorce is finished, recognize that while it’s natural to seek validation and an endorphin boost from a new relationship, your emotional stability is going to take some time to come back to its grounded center.

Although it’s taken many generations for divorce to become an accepted, less isolating option for one’s life, there are now plenty of conversations, resources, and information about the process just about anywhere you care to look. The “divorce don’ts” above are a great launching point, but your divorce recovery is a journey, one that doesn’t end here.

Jennifer Bent is a freelance writer and former journalist living on the West Coast. Nicknamed Verbose at a young age, she loves word craft but has to keep a short leash on her fondness for the profane. Jennifer enjoys her cat’s input on her rough drafts (talk about snark) and the freedom of being her own partner. Connect with Jennifer here.

SAS women are those amazing ladies you meet who are entirely committed to rebuilding their lives after divorce—on their own terms. If you are discerning, newly divorced and independent, you are invited to experience SAS for Women firsthand and schedule your free, 15-minute, private consultation. Whether you work further with us or not, we’ll help you understand what your next, black and white steps are for walking into your BRAVE unknown.

*For the sake of confidentiality, we have not used people’s real names in this article.

Woman searching for an online divorce support group

Joining an Online Divorce Support Group? 4 Questions to Consider Before Making Any Decisions

Divorce is one of the most difficult transitions you’ll ever face. So, it’s important for you to build a great support team to help you get through it. And one of the easiest ways to get the support you need as your marriage ends is to join an online divorce support group.

Yet, easy support doesn’t always mean quality support or even the type of help you need. Not all online divorce support groups are the same.

Some support groups are simply unmoderated chat rooms. Others are part of a large organization that provides a standard set of materials for facilitators to use. And then there are groups like the ones you might find on Meet Up that fall anywhere in between.

Due to the immense differences in what defines an online divorce support group, you need to spend time researching what each group has to offer before participating.

Here are four questions you’ll want to consider before joining any online divorce support group.

1. How will the group protect your confidentiality?

One of the main purposes of joining a support group is to give yourself a safe space to share what you’re going through. You’ll need to know there’s zero chance of someone in the group using something you’ve said against you.

Only in a very secure environment will you dare to be honest and vulnerable, which is important to your divorce recovery. By owning and understanding your vulnerability you will begin the process of healing.

Some groups provide confidentiality by asking members to use pseudonyms instead of their real names. They also prevent members from connecting outside of the group’s online environment.

Other groups offer no provision for confidentiality and rely upon each member to police herself. Unfortunately, this makes it very difficult, if not impossible, to do the healing work you need to do because you may not feel safe.

Another way online divorce support groups offer confidentiality is with an agreement you enter upon joining the group. The group facilitator may have a document each member must sign to join, or s/he may make the agreement part of the underlying terms of membership.

Whatever method of confidentiality the group provides, it’s up to you to decide whether those terms make you feel safe in your vulnerability.

2. Who is facilitating the online divorce support group?

If the group you’re interested in has a facilitator or two, you’ll want to know more about them before joining.

The best facilitators are those who have a deep understanding of divorce. They are typically divorce coaches, therapists, or seasoned facilitators who have been through divorce themselves.

Another vital role the facilitator plays is keeping the group on task and focused on the topic. Due to the nature of divorce and the emotional drama involved, it’s natural that some participants have a hard time not talking … on and on. A good facilitator will listen for those who are not speaking and encourage them to share, while also managing those who dominate so the group progresses, feels fair, and stays on point.

You’ll want to contact the facilitator before joining the group to learn more about his/her background and experience. By interacting with the facilitator, you’ll get a good feel for who this person is and whether the group is right for you.

If the facilitator does not provide a means for you to contact or interact with him/her before joining the group, then don’t join. That means the facilitator is not interested in getting to know you as an individual. They are more interested in filling their group up and getting paid.

3. Does the group have a clear structure?

The best online divorce support groups are carefully organized and not just open forums for kvetching.

Ideally, you’ll want a group that has a regular meeting time so you can count on getting support. A regular meeting time makes it easier to plan around your job or find childcare (should you need it). A regular schedule forces you to make time for yourself, this subject, and your growth.

To get the most out of the group, it’s critical to know the topic of each meeting in advance. This will allow you to not only verify that the topics meet your needs but also to prepare for each session.

You should also look for the stated outcome of participating in the group. A meaningful program will have a specific intention for each of the members to achieve. It’s this intention that will give you greater insight into how the facilitator will guide the group.

4. How does the group build a sense of community?

Joining an online divorce support group is about becoming part of a community so you don’t feel so alone and isolated. Ideally, the group is full of individuals who are willing to give and receive support by honestly and respectfully relating their experiences, questions, and insights.

But a community isn’t created just because you attend meetings together.

You and the other group members build a community within each session by openly discussing questions and sharing experiences. Outside of each session, you continue to do so by sharing challenges (if desired) and supporting one another.

Joining a good, vetted (look for testimonials) online divorce support group can be one of the best gifts you give yourself if you are considering, or have decided to, end your marriage. The group can provide you with the safety, camaraderie, resources, convenience, and experience you will likely need to navigate knowledgeably the transition from married to divorced.

Yet, because not all divorce support groups are the same, you’ll need to do some research before joining any. Will the group provide you with a safe place to heal, learn, and build the foundation for the next phase of your life?

Since 2012 smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to help them through the emotional and often times complicated experience of divorce. For support, guidance and next steps if you are contemplating or beginning the process of divorce, consider Annie’s Group, our virtual, LIVE divorce support community & program teaching you what a woman MUST KNOW about divorce.

If you are rebuilding your life after divorce, discover who you are, what makes you tick, and what makes you soar as you connect with the right support​ and direction. Join us for our virtual group coaching class, Paloma’s Group, a comprehensive blueprint for starting fresh and designing the life you deserve. Space is limited.

Founder of the quick online divorce service It's Over Easy, Laura Wasser

A Quick Online Divorce: Is It Right for You? Interview with Celeb Divorce Attorney Laura Wasser

Divorce is probably not one of your Pinterest boards, but given the hefty cost of dissolving a marriage, a DIY divorce is an option that could save you thousands of dollars, giving you a financial springboard into the next phase of your life instead of opening a drain under it. When you consider that the *median savings account for American households is about $11,700 and the average cost of an “attorney handled everything” divorce is about $11,300, it’s a simple comparison to make, but it’s also a complicated and emotionally fraught equation and, at first glance, a seemingly impossible choice.

It’s not impossible, but it is tricky. Online divorce options are not for everyone. They are best for people who get along with each other well enough to communicate throughout the process, keep it uncontested, and have a handle on what they want for themselves.

SAS interviewed divorce attorney Laura Wasser about why she is now offering quick, online divorce as an option for her clients.

Q: Who are the best candidates for an online divorce?

A: “The best candidates  are couples who can exchange information and reasonably negotiate on issues like child custody,  spousal and child support, and division of assets and debts,” said Wasser, who has handled high-profile divorce cases for Maria Shriver, the Kardashians, Ryan Reynolds, and Stevie Wonder.

With 20 years in the field of family law, Wasser established It’s Over Easy (IOE), a quick online divorce option that enables people to have some flexibility within the platform, offers customization state to state, provides referral resources and help with filling out the forms.

Q: Can one have a private consultation with an attorney and then use her advice to complete the application?

A: “We structured It’s Over Easy so that if  people need to take a break from the process,  consult with an attorney or mediator,  and come back to the site once they have gotten the information or the necessary arguments, they can do so,” said Wasser.

What to be careful of…

As with any DIY project, with a quick online divorce you will be learning by doing. Check-in with yourself. Are you genuinely up for the task or learning what you don’t know? There is research and leg work involved, not just about choosing the right online platform and what they offer, but about the legal requirements particular to your state, county, and household. One of the biggest mistakes people make in the online divorce arena is not doing enough research to make sure the right steps are taken, to make sure they’re taken correctly, and to navigate the to-do list well enough to negotiate a fair resolution that works, especially for them long-term.

When you are going through a divorce, you don’t know what you don’t now. Chances are you’ve never been here before. So be careful of not rushing through a document so that you are “done.”

You may not have treated your marriage like a merger and your household like a business, but preparing for a divorce is a good time to adopt that attitude. It doesn’t mean you have to play an aggressive game of hard ball, but it does mean you have to maneuver and make decisions based on numbers, logic, and a realistic approach to what you need to live, not on romantic ideals or emotions. And it means you need to look out for yourself—not yourselves as a “team.”

Q: What are the most important things to be aware of in the divorce process, and how do they relate to doing it online?

A: “Anything you can resolve on your own,” said Wasser, “is better than having it litigated.”

“We built this platform so individuals could use mediators or family law attorneys, or divorce coaches. But we also really wanted to make sure that there were referrals to such professionals. I have done the research and found that many of the other  online  divorce services simply provide forms  but no assistance in filling them out or resources or referrals that you can turn to if you hit a wall.”

Penalty of perjury and transparency

If you are not the marriage partner who has been the bread-winner or in charge of the bills, budget, and retirement planning, you need to be prepared for a steeper learning curve, and for the solid possibility that your (Ex) spouse may not want to be as transparent about what they’ve been doing with “the books” as they should be—even if you do get along. He* is probably savvier about things like where to file, and if he has assets to protect, he knows how to hang onto them.

So a big question to ask yourself is, are you getting all the financial information you need? And who is helping you evaluate your financial choices? If you’re not experienced with finances, you need someone you can trust (not your spouse) to help you evaluate what’s truly fair.

Of course, you can fill out the financial forms on any online platform, but you need to make sure you have fact-checked and been appropriately guided on what is best for you financially.

Q: How do you complete the financial information on the forms if you know nothing about the finances?

A: “In many  cases, the forms and disclosures you each complete will almost mirror each other because the family only has a certain amount in income or assets, which have to be accounted for on the more knowledgeable spouse’s forms, as well.  All are filled out under the penalty of perjury, which helps keep people honest,” said Wasser. “But it is fine to seek help from someone on the outside who can coach you through the negotiations.”

An expert third party with a well-versed eye on the significant financial and emotional cost of litigation can help you make sure that what you are agreeing to makes sense for you,  not only now, but 20 years from now.

Q: What do women in particular need to be careful of?

A: “Women, be wary of being taken advantage of,” said Wasser.  “It seems that, whether we’re the breadwinners or not, often women feel  it is our duty to be the caregivers. This extends  beyond  our children and sometimes to our prospective Exes. There is no reason to be bullied into a settlement to which you cannot  adhere.  Make sure that you put your emotions aside and handle this as a business transaction.”

Q: If you are dealing with high end clients, why start a quick online divorce option?

A:Creating It’s Over Easy, and providing online support and availability for people to work through the process on their own and save time,  money, and aggravation is extremely important for me,” said Wasser, “as I see the outdated ways of practicing family law negatively impacting our children. With the landscape of divorce changing comes new and outside-the-box thinking and ways for people to move onto their next chapters.”

 

Jennifer Bent is a freelance writer and former journalist living on the West Coast. Nicknamed Verbose at a young age, she loves word craft but has to keep a short leash on her fondness for the profane. Jennifer enjoys her cat’s input on her rough drafts (talk about snark) and the freedom of being her own partner.  Connect with Jennifer here.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS. Tell us confidentially what’s going on, and regardless of your working further with us or not, we’ll give you black & white feedback, resources and suggestions for your next steps.

 

*(Statistics on average American savings accounts and the average cost of attorney-handled divorces were gleaned from CNBC.com and NOLO.com, respectively).

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

Will marriage become obsolete

Will Marriage Become Obsolete?

With the steady downturn in the number of new marriages and the 40 to 50 percent chance that existing ones will end in divorce, it would be comforting to think that marriage has become obsolete, or that, at the very least, successfully navigating the end of a legally-binding partnership would somehow be written into our DNA, like a migration pattern or an aversion to cilantro. With the coronavirus (COVID-19) impacting our sense of normalcy—putting both marriages and divorces alike on pause, in some cases—many of us find ourselves thinking about the role marriage and companionship play in our lives.

Divorce hasn’t yet been written in our DNA, of course. But if genetics change with our choices over time—and they do—it appears we are getting closer to a DNA-level instinct for divorce or marriage-avoidance. This is an exaggeration, yes, but we’re certainly getting closer to a pervasive social norm that does not include marriage as an assumed preference.

A generational shift

As of 2015, only about half of the adults in the United States claim to live with a spouse. Those adults include five of the six generations currently alive in America today—from the G.I. or Great Generation all the way down to Generation Z—and these generations’ collective attitudes about marriage have shifted dramatically over time. My 102-year-old grandmother’s generation, “The Greats” (born 1901 to 1926), hung in there until the bitter end. If you made a vow, you kept it, despite abuse, dislike, infidelity, and whatever other problem that may have snaked its way into your marriage. For the most part, so did the “Silent Generation,” people born between 1927 and 1945.

The Baby Boomers, though, who account for 77 million people in the US, began to shake things up. This generation (born 1946 to 1965) embraced the civil rights movement, feminism, women joining the work force as a rule rather than as an exception, and television.

The Baby Boomers brought us divorce because a person wasn’t happy—albeit still struggled with its taboo of humiliation that somehow we are not measuring up if we can’t make our marriage work, but still, divorce nonetheless. My generation, Gen Xers, born 1965 through 1980, was the first generation for whom having divorced parents was a common thing.

The result of this shift

Perhaps as a response, my peers have a lower divorce rate than Boomers (the numbers of Baby Boomers ending their marriages doubled in the last 20 years and is on its way to tripling). Gen Xers also waited a lot longer to take vows. When you grow up as a witness to all the ways in which marriage both supports and fails people, it seems only natural that your first inclination would be to approach things differently.

Millennials, for instance, are showing a trend of partnering and having children but avoiding the altar altogether. Only 26 percent of Millennials are actually getting married, down from Gen X’s 36 percent, the Boomers’ 48 percent, and the Silent Generation’s 65 percent.

Will marriage become obsolete?

That’s quite a drop. The youngest of Generation Z, born after 2001, have yet to make their choices about long-term life partnering, but as a population, this generation is larger than the Boomers, so its impact on social norms and potentially our genetic code for mating will be worth measuring.

We are now finding that even in the midst of a global pandemic, people are leaving marriages that no longer serve them. Living together under a quarantine order is, some people are finding, bringing problems in a marriage that once seemed small and easy to ignore to the surface. Divorce rates in China spiked as soon as restrictions lifted.

Even so, marriage has not become obsolete quite yet. But one day marriage may become the exception rather than the rule. One day that rising inclination to say “let’s revisit this conversation every two or three years and see where we are with this thing” (or some version of it) may be the new social norm—but until a union that used to be “forever” is honored as fluid, a dance of choice between two organic, dynamic beings, all we can do is support those who have found that their partnership no longer serves them.

No one wants to go through a divorce, but sometimes it’s the only real option you have. Perhaps by the time Generation Zs are having their second children, what was once considered the only choice—marriage, til death do us part—will have undergone such scrutiny that the idea of it is, as they say, as repellant as cilantro to a certain genetic selection of taste buds.

 

Jennifer Bent is a freelance writer and former journalist living on the West Coast. Nicknamed Verbose at a young age, she loves word craft but has to keep a short leash on her fondness for the profane. Jennifer enjoys her cat’s input on her rough drafts (talk about snark) and the freedom of being her own partner. Connect with Jennifer here.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

Thinking about advice for women

Advice for Women Who Think They Can’t Afford a Divorce

Divorce is expensive. While there is, of course, an emotional toll, there is also a heavy financial toll for which many people are not prepared. Even under the best circumstance, divorce is difficult and costly. And while help is out there, when you’re looking for it, you want advice for women wearing your particular set of shoes.

As coronavirus (COVID-19) rages throughout the world, many women are quarantined with their spouses. Some of those women are starting to think about divorce. Although it’s too early to tell, divorce attorneys world-wide are reporting an increase in requests for consultations. If you are thinking about divorce during this uncertain time of health and economic crisis, you might be met with new challenges, such as pay cuts or even job loss. Courts in most jurisdictions are also closed for non-emergency matters.

During this time, how will you afford to pay for legal fees and interim expenses if your spouse cuts you off and you cannot submit an application to the court or even meet with your attorney?

What are your options for funding a divorce?

In a perfect world, both spouses have money set aside, though in reality people save for weddings, not divorces. While it would be wonderful if both spouses got along and could agree on how assets should be divided, this is, unfortunately, not always the case. It’s important for clients to know about options they have to fund their divorce. Here is some advice for women thinking about how they can afford to divorce.

Divorce funding

Divorce funding is one such option. For many couples, one spouse has easier access to their combined wealth. The moneyed spouse will often cut off access to funds by the non-moneyed spouse entirely, a court will freeze assets, or assets are not liquid. Divorce funding provides a cash advance of the client’s potential settlement for legal fees, expert costs, and living expenses. It “levels the playing field,” enabling litigants to afford their divorce expenses, while maintaining their standard of living. Repayments are not made until a settlement is reached and cases can be funded in as little as two weeks. Divorce funding provides access to this essential capital.

Clients may not have the liquidity to start divorce proceedings and simultaneously afford living expenses, such as mortgage payments, school tuition, and other personal costs during the proceedings. Sometimes the moneyed spouse will use these expenses as leverage, forcing clients to agree to an inequitable settlement.

Should you lack the funds to hire proper divorce assistance, divorce funding could be an option. Divorce funding gives qualified spouses’ lines of credit while they work toward a fair divorce settlement. It’s an increasingly popular product that can help divorcing spouses find hidden assets and ensure a more secure financial future for themselves and their children.

With the liquidity of divorce funding, no one is forced into a settlement less than they deserve. Divorce funding is a valuable tool not just for clients but also for experts. It has become an integral practice management tool for an increasingly large number of divorce lawyers in the United States.

Application to the court

As an alternative to saving, the moneyed spouse could be ordered by the court to pay both sides’ legal fees and expert costs, but even getting to motion practice can be expensive and time consuming. Not to mention, there are no guarantees the client will be awarded fees. Many judges also defer a decision on fees to the end of the case. As of now, the courts are closed, and when they are reopened, the backlog of cases will be significant and your application may not be heard for an extensive period of time.

Credit cards

Putting the cost of a divorce on a credit card is another option, but for many, the credit card limit would not meet the cost of the legal fees. You’d have to make payments during the divorce proceedings, too, which may not be possible for some clients. (And please know that low credit scores may prevent a spouse from being eligible for a credit card after the divorce.)

Home mortgage

Clients sometimes turn to a bank to refinance the marital home and help pay for their divorce. Litigants may pull equity from a house to pay for interim support and legal fees until a divorce is final. Home equity loans can take many months to be approved, and the loss of a home can threaten custody battles. On the other hand, lenders may not approve clients during a divorce, causing a variety of roadblocks. Sometimes couples going through a divorce don’t know where to turn.

Speak with a divorce professional to weigh out which option is best suited for your case. What worked for your friend may not be the choice for you. The financial aspect of divorce likely seems overwhelming. Whatever you choose, remember—do not throw good money after bad. Decide your nonnegotiables as well as those items you are willing to give up. Some of the best advice for women going through this journey is to allow yourself to look at this part of your divorce as a business transaction, so you can commit to your divorce recovery and move on to your next chapter in life.

To learn more about divorce funding and how it can help you, please visit newchaptercapital.com, call (212) 404-7807, or email Nicole at [email protected]

Nicole Noonan, Esq., CEO of New Chapter Capital Inc., specializes in divorce funding. She formerly served as President of Novitas US. She is a nationally recognized divorce expert and pioneer of divorce funding. Crowned the “Fairy Godmother of Divorce” by the New York Post and formerly President of National Divorce Capital, Nicole was also Director at BBL Churchill.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers advice for women through six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

Woman looking out window

Your Inner Voice and the 9 Warning Signs of Divorce

It’s funny because it’s true: If it were easy to hear our inner voice, there wouldn’t be so many of us reminding each other how to do it.

And when that voice is telling us that something is rotten in the state of our marriage, or simply that we just don’t fit inside it anymore and we really do need to grasp the nettle, upend our entire life, and end our relationship, we go looking for warning signs of divorce—anything that tells us that it’s truly necessary.

That’s okay. It’s smart and reasonable to investigate the warning signs of divorce when facing that all-encompassing life change. You wouldn’t build a house without a foundation; informing yourself of what the common signs of divorce are lays the stones of your foundation in place. It helps you feel logical and rational during a moment when you might feel anything but.

From the author Carolyn Myss’ advice to “follow your scariest guidance” to Joseph Campbell’s principle of “following your bliss,” it seems as though there are almost as many recommendations to listen to the quiet voice of our spirits as there are people in the world.

That’s because it bears repeating:

That gut instinct is difficult to hear. The voice of our true self, the bigger version of us, the divine, the call, our souls, a higher power, whatever you call it (and it seems that most of us have at least some sense that “it” is there, within and without), is not only quiet and hesitant at first, but we also tend to keep a lid on it because it scares us.

The noise of daily life can be so raucous and distracting—and of course, to a certain extent, we all like our distractions because they help keep us dog paddling in comfortably small circles and our egos too tickled, or tortured, to move. Like a corral, distractions and demands keep us penned up in predictability and apparent safety, surrounded by the familiar voices of our social norms, our families and our peers, muffling the inner voice until we can shrug it off as if we were just imagining it.

We’re not.

Heeding the inner voice

We can try to keep the inner voice quiet, try to cling to the illusion that it’s the illusion, just our imagination running wild. But we’re not imagining it. The voice of the less constrained self, the most authentic, unbound, bursting-out-of-the-corset part of us is there, whispering, urging, beckoning.

The difficulty isn’t so much in hearing it as heeding it.

But, when we do that and do it consistently—often summoning all of our courage and fighting back our worst self-doubting, self-limiting behaviors, beliefs and relationship patterns to do so—is when it gets loud and clear.

We have so much hope tied up in marriage, so much invested in it and long-term partnerships where property, finances, and children are part of the bond. When marriage is good, it is very, very good. But when it is bad…yep, it’s horrid. Now if it started off horrid, right out of the wedding reception gate, it might be easier to shake it off and move on. Let’s do a Horrid Hypothetical just for fun—something Gothically awful. Like, his other wife from a marriage he’s been hiding and lying to you about all along comes rolling up to the curb, right behind your streamer-bedecked ride to the airport as you surge forth, freshly avowed in your white princess dress while your wedding guests blow kisses and shower you with birdseed, and starts throwing red paint all over you for trying to take her man while a Jerry Springer camera crew films the whole thing.

If it went like that, divorce would be an obvious choice. You’d be out of the marriage faster than the dress, and your entire posse of family and friends would rally around you instantly; you’d have no qualms at all. No signs would be needed. But that’s not the way it goes, and we do need to confirm the warning signs of divorce. It’s more like the frog in the frying pan scenario. Toss a frog in a hot pan and it jumps right out, but put it in a cool pan and gradually increase the heat…

Some common warning signs of divorce

It’s usually not obvious. It’s the gradual going wrong that is more typical of marriages that need to end, and it’s the subtle signs, not the Gothically awful, that tell us it’s time to make that happen. Until the inner voice becomes loud and clear and we do as she says with a lot less hesitation, we should identify the signs of heat (and not the fun kind) rising:

  1. Communication breakdowns are pervasive, whether that is chronic defensiveness, criticism, or contempt.
  2. Indifference feels like the rule rather than the exception. You get the feeling that they just don’t care if you’re in the room or not, or vice versa. It takes a crisis to get a mate’s full attention and when it’s over, they drift away again, having checked it off their to-do list.
  3. And while we’re on the to-do list, another sign of impending divorce is when sex becomes an item on that list, more of a task than something that excites and enriches, expresses a fundamental attraction, that draws you out of yourself and your skin with passion and arousal and creates a lovely, sexy bond between the two of you.
  4. The distancing expands to include not just a drop-off in the sexual exchanges but a drop in your desire simply to be in their company. You begin to live more like roommates.
  5. Distancing turns into an outright aversion to being around them.
  6. Your sense of responsibility to that other person begins to feel like an obligation rather than a joy or a gift of time and energy, done with what used to be compassion or at least graciousness.
  7. An addiction or habitual, non-constructive behavior takes precedence over your mate.
  8. You begin to look for—and find—emotional connection with others, which can become emotional affairs.
  9. Sexual affairs—cheating—become justifiable in your mind and perhaps even occur. (This warning sign is not so subtle).

For the most part, though, the signs are subtle, but even more subtle is that inner voice, the song of our authentic self. That voice is quiet, unassuming—at least until we start tuning out the dissonance so we can hear it.

Clarissa Pinkola-Estes, Ph.D. writes about this voice, the archetype it belongs to, in her book “Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype.”

“I call her Wild Woman, for those very words, wild and woman, create llamar o tocar a la puerta, the fairy-tale knock at the door of the deep female psyche…When women hear those words, an old, old memory is stirred and brought back to life. The memory is of our absolute, undeniable, and irrevocable kinship with the wild feminine, a relationship which may have become ghostly from neglect, buried by over-domestication, outlawed by the surrounding culture, or no longer understood anymore. We may have forgotten her names, we may not answer her when she calls ours, but in our bones we know her, we yearn toward her, we know she belongs to us and we belong to her.”

Thankfully, the wild, unbound woman inside us all never stops whispering.

Jennifer Bent is a freelance writer and former journalist living on the West Coast. Nicknamed Verbose at a young age, she loves word craft but has to keep a short leash on her fondness for the profane. Jennifer enjoys her cat’s input on her rough drafts (talk about snark) and the freedom of being her own partner. Connect with Jennifer here.

SAS women are those amazing ladies you meet who are entirely committed to rebuilding their lives after divorce—on their own terms. If you are discerning, newly divorced and independent, you are invited to experience SAS for Women firsthand and schedule your free, 15-minute, private consultation. Whether you work further with us or not, we’ll help you understand what your next, black and white steps are for walking into your BRAVE unknown.

Contemplating divorce and coronavirus

Divorce in the Time of Coronavirus: 30 Ways to Be Prepared and Stay Committed to You

There is a lot of uncertainty right now due to the coronavirus. Things seem to be changing by the hour. But here are 30+ ways women considering or affected by divorce can use extended time at home to take care of themselves — and their families. When the coronavirus (COVID-19) is at last behind us, and as humanity heals, adapts and grows, we want women everywhere to remain on track and committed to their healthiest selves.

If you’ve been thinking about divorce, dealing with it, or recovering from it, anxiety and fear are nothing new to you. But now with COVID-19, anxiety and fear are a different punch altogether, causing our mechanism for survival to shift gears. For some, the response will trigger a desire to lean away from divorce and all that they’ve been contemplating. Now is no time to do it, some women will tell themselves. The kids are suddenly home and need tending to. Both parents might also be home, in fact, and working overtime to compensate for the drastic disruptions and time out of the workplace. Private time and space are compromised, if they exist at all. We are in survival mode or burying a crisis inside a crisis. For others, this increased time “trapped” inside our homes with a spouse we’re already at odds with may push us to a breaking point, as suggested in China with the recent spike in divorce rates being linked to the coronavirus.

Understand the temperature in your house.

This post is about centering you and to remind you that wherever you are — in your marriage, divorce, or life-after-divorce — your circumstances are real, they are valid, and they will not simply disappear because the coronavirus is here.

In fact, your circumstances may grow more agitated unless you are mindful of taking steps to acknowledge your emotions and your commitment to how you want to be as you go through this health crisis. Below are important must-knows and suggestions for coping depending on where you are in your journey of dealing with the idea, or the fact of divorce and the coronavirus. Included as well are special mentions to mothers.

Must-knows when dealing with divorce and coronavirus

When stress and anxiety are in the air—when our families, health, and jobs are on the line—things will get ramped up.

For women, especially, it’s important to know that during such circumstances, mental health issues surge and domestic violence goes up. Your safety may become a real concern.

If you are a survivor of abuse and currently forced to live with your abuser in this extended time at home, read this page now for safety suggestions.

If you experience or are a survivor of abuse or would like to talk to someone to understand what abuse is, we urge you to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

For all of us, expect things to get stressful. Understand what you are doing and teaching your family about social distancing and what to do if you become sick or are suddenly caring for someone who is sick. To keep yourself together, make plans for how you will handle your stress. We believe the following will help you. Keep reading …

Thinking about divorce

  1. When you can, make a plan on how you will learn more about your rights and what you are entitled to, and what an independent life might look like—whether you divorce or not. You may not be able to schedule a legal or divorce coach consultation right away, for lack of privacy, but you can research on the internet whom you might speak to once you are free to make calls and hear feedback. If possible as well, you might prepare for these meetings by getting financial documents together or your questions organized.
  2. Set up a secret email address dedicated to this subject, and keep this subject segregated to that email address only. If you are a woman, join our tribe and receive our free, weekly coaching letter that will keep you, discretely, honoring yourself for the next six months.
  3. For now, the internet remains intact, and we are grateful for that! But be careful about turning to your computer to answer your life questions. In this new phase of social isolation, it will be easy to fall down the Google Rabbit Hole and overanalyze the news and, in particular, options for your life—legally, financially, and every which way. Turning to Google to research your divorce options risks making you more anxious because you will never obtain the direct answers or exact numbers you so critically need to make informed decisions. You require specific feedback on your direct circumstances and issues.
  4. Which is why having direct, private consultations are so important to your future. But you may not be able to pull it off just yet. Be kind to yourself—reading this post alone is helping you manage your expectations of what is and is not possible right now. Take baby steps if you can, but be flexible.
  5. Some women derive great comfort from an ongoing connection with other women during times of stress. Whom are you turning to? In Annie’s Group—for women thinking about divorce, and for women who are beginning the divorce or separation process—the virtual live coaching program is consistently running, providing a safe, structured outlet for participants to get educated on their genuine life choices. Women feel personally supported through the Sister Partnerships and through the private, virtual consultations and coaching they receive. They are also reassured that no one is on camera and if they are unable to attend all classes, that each class is recorded.

For mothers contemplating or dealing with divorce

  1. Staying committed to you means making sure your children are as stabilized as possible during these uncertain times. This is not taking you off track. It’s reminding you of what’s important—the healthiest environment for everybody.
  2. When we’re dealing with divorce, there’s a lot of gray area when it comes to decision-making, which is why it’s important to …

    Stay focused on your goals. You will rarely go wrong if you think about what you want for your children. Really think about it. Realize as well that your children are dependent on you for securing the healthiest environment possible—in times of stress and uncertainty due to external forces, like coronavirus and schools closing, and the ongoing temperature of what they are experiencing in your house, unique to your marriage and family dynamic.

  3. The CDC has good information on preparing you, your children and your house. Share this with your spouse or coparent and talk about plans of actions for your shared house or your house and his*.
  4. Don’t take any unnecessary risks right now. You and your children may not be showing any signs of the virus, but you could still be carriers. Think about your elderly neighbors or your older family members. Stay safe and keep them safe.

Dealing with divorce

  1. If you are still living under the same roof with your spouse, these “uncertain times” are reinforcing more of what you know, and chances are, the reasons you are getting divorced. So, caution. It was always going to be hard living together during these negotiations, but now with seeing each other all the time (if practicing social distancing and working from home), it could be the recipe for toxic overload.
  2. Consider broaching the subject now with your spouse. You might share that you realize this is hard for both of you, living together and trying to figure out how you are going to part, but that you are committed to trying to stay as healthy as possible.And part of staying as healthy as possible is staying home and out of contact with others and not triggering each other.

  3. What boundaries can you put in place to honor each other’s needs or requests during these times? Can you put it in writing so it’s more thoughtful and psychologically binding? Perhaps neither one of you can do it for the other, but if you have children, express your commitment to trying to keep the atmosphere as healthy as possible for them.
  4. And if it’s just you and him, accept that you have no control over his actions but how you act could encourage him. Knowing the risks in advance will help you get centered and anchored for yourself. Find outlets away from him to vent. (See below.)

Legal and financial considerations…

  1. If you are working with a lawyer or mediator or talking with a financial person, email/call them to learn how your legal process may be affected by what is going on. You might use phone or video conferencing to keep your negotiation process moving.
  2. If you become sick in advance of your court date, you could contact your lawyer or spouse to ask for a continuance. If he agrees, you can submit a form requesting that the court change the hearing date. If your spouse is not amenable, contact the court’s clerk and share that you are sick. Ask next steps.
  3. If you or your spouse become ill and you are due to go to court, contact your doctor first and then your lawyer or the court clerk. You should not appear in court if you are sick. Often local courts have their own specific instructions. So, call the court’s family law clerk to learn what you must do. This is to say nothing about the distinct possibility that very soon the courts near you may be closed for a spell anyhow.

Coparenting through coronavirus

  1. Coparenting is often challenging in the best of times, let alone now. But more than ever, communication is key. One of the best ways to deal with the parent of your children is to “stick to the facts” style of communication. Lose the technicolor or salty language and try to present your information in a black and white, neutral way.

  2. Begin by sharing the CDC website for your state, and print out the latest recommendations to discuss with your coparent.
  3. Or you could contact your pediatrician and ask for their suggestions right now and share those with your coparent.
  4. Talk with your coparent, with each of you agreeing to share if someone you know has been exposed to COVID-19 and to keep your child away from that person.
  5. Teach your child good hygiene and proper hand-washing techniques. Teach them not to touch their face and to practice hand washing wherever they are—at school, at their other parent’s house, at your home.
  6. Teach them as well about the importance of protecting others. Again, think about how you would feel if an elderly person near you became ill.
  7. Consult the CDC website for up to date information and with your coparent, try to develop a longer-range family plan that is activated if your community faces a severe outbreak For example, if your child resides between two homes, decide where the child will primarily reside if the health crisis is growing in your community and people must stay indoors.

Rebuilding after divorce

  1. This can be a particularly tough time for a lot of us as we look around and see that we are now truly alone. As the dust keeps settling, it can be sobering to realize where we are in our life journey, starting again or feeling like it’s all ending. But make no mistake, this leveling is also a beginning—the beginning of building ourselves anew, coronavirus notwithstanding. It is the beginning of aligning ourselves with the people we want in our life and, especially, the people we want to be.
  2. More than ever, it’s important to find community—this means other like-minded souls who have reinvented or are actively seeking to grow. Take this opportunity to download Zoom for free so you can connect with old friends and family and video chat live. With Zoom, you can see each other! (Even when dealing with divorce and coronavirus.)
  3. Or download Zoom to join Paloma’s Group, our live, ongoing virtual coaching class for women recreating after divorce. Together, we build a bond of sisterly support and accountability as we take steps to rebuild our most meaningful lives.
  4. Learning who we want to be in this new phase of our lives and rebuilding after divorce and coronavirus is going to require some internal work. Social isolation could be your invitation to connect with your internal self and work on the real things that are still unresolved—the grief for the losses or the loneliness or the anger or the fears. Consider connecting with a divorce coach or therapist for telephone support and guidance. And if you’ve been working on those emotions, brava! Then you’ve been learning that this work leads to discoveries about yourself. This learning feeds more discovery, and so keep forging …

Even more things you could be doing as you spend time inside

  1. Educate yourself or reacquaint yourself with reading a good book. We’ve got suggestions for you here.
  2. If you are looking to go back to work, read this wonderful list of things you could be doing right now from experts who understand how hard it is for women of a certain age to get a job.
  3. Journal. Write down what you are experiencing right now in this moment in time and how different it is from one year ago? What have you learned?
  4. Step outside … your needs and story. Be hypervigilant about not spreading germs, but determine the best way for checking-in and supporting your elderly neighbors and aging family members. (If you are alone, you get it, and boy, will this give you perspective and gratitude.)
  5. Look for specific, regular ways to decompress and recharge so you are of service to yourself and others. Check out these free virtual meditation apps for connecting to positive, inspiring energy.
  6. If you are up for it, consider creating a dating profile on a few apps, but don’t meet people right now—you have the perfect excuse to take it slow. You must practice social-distancing, but you would love to consider meeting in the future. In the interim, let’s talk!
  7. Or take coronavirus as a sign from the universe, you are definitely not supposed to be dating right now!
  8. Be a messenger of hope and light. As you deal with life post divorce and coronavirus, you are a poster child for having already faced tough times and surviving. Remind others who may not be so brave that so far, 80 percent of the coronavirus cases are mild and most infected people are cured. There are 13 times more cured cases than deaths and that proportion is increasing.
  9. Go outside when and if you can. Sunlight is not only the enemy of germs; it is incredibly healing, builds our immune systems, and helps shift our emotions. Emotions are motion. As such, they ebb and flow. Help your emotions, like fear and anxiety, move, and as they move, check-in with them. What are they trying to tell you? When you listen to them, what other emotions do they make room for?

Above all, stay committed to you

Women are hardwired to be caregivers. In challenging times, we know that women are often the ones who take care of sick loved-ones, keep a family running, figure out child-care issues, and everything in between. It is often women taking the leadership roles in their households and communities to understand what is coming and to prepare for it. We also know it’s times like these when women throw themselves under the bus and forget themselves. We are encouraging you to stay committed to you as you lead others through.

Let’s be kind to others and ourselves. Stay connected to your source of strength and positivity. Stay connected to other powerful women!

And talk to us! In the comments below, tell us what you are doing to practice self-care and cope with divorce and coronavirus during these challenging times. We thank you on behalf of so many. Your ideas inspire and support other women who are finding that now more than ever, their hours are especially tough and isolating. We are all in this together.

 

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. We invite you to schedule your free consultation with SAS. You’ll share privately what’s going on and we’ll give you black & white feedback, resources, and next steps for moving forward in the healthiest, smartest way.

*This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

A person considering a marriage annulment or divorce

What is the Difference Between a Marriage Annulment and Divorce?

A marriage annulment may seem like a thing of the past, but the legal process is still very much alive and could be an alternative to divorce.

Annulment of a marriage can take place in both religious and secular societies, although it may be more common in the former. To put it simply, an annulled marriage is a marriage that never happened. It’s void, or voidable, when the marriage took place. Marriages can be considered void for several reasons. But a divorce recognizes that, although the couple is now legally separated, the marriage did take place and was valid at the time.

If you’re thinking about ending your marriage, it’s important to note that laws surrounding a marriage annulment can vary greatly, both from country to country and even within nations. Laws within the US and the UK, for example, differ from each other.

What is an annulment?

Not all places have such a thing as a marriage annulment, and where they do, the laws, processes, and reasons a couple might seek a voided marriage vary greatly. In Wales, for instance, there are restrictions on marriage annulments, and they must normally take place within three years of the date of marriage. In the US, annulments occur for reasons like fraud, bigamy, duress, underage marriage, marriage between close relatives, and mental incapacity (even mental incapacity caused by intoxication, in many states).

Time is also a factor. Normally—although not always—an annulment takes place within the first few years of the marriage. It makes sense that if misrepresentation (see below) is a reason for annulment, that the couple would separate soon after discovering the misrepresentation rather than remaining with a partner. On the other hand, the choice to remain in the marriage could make annulment more difficult, as one partner did consent to remain in the relationship rather than separating. A court may view divorce as a more viable option in this case. But again, it depends on location. In New York state, a marriage could be voidable if there was substantial misrepresentation up to three years after it was discovered.

The history

It may be considered unjust that while a divorce is available to all, annulments are only available to some. The notorious Henry VIII had many marriages annulled, after all. But even in modern times, the examples that come to mind tend to be celebrities (Britney Spears, anyone?) and not so much the everyday people we interact with in our daily lives. But a marriage annulment isn’t available to only the rich and powerful.

Historically, in countries with heavy religious backgrounds or where divorce is not legal, this may be (or may have been) the only option. In some religions, a tribunal must decide whether a marriage was “in some way lacking from the beginning.” The principal is broadly similar—the marriage was not valid at the time; therefore, it is not valid now.

Who may get an annulment as opposed to a divorce?

Although religion does play a part (for example, those with dissolved marriages in the Catholic church can remarry in the church), this is not always the case.

If a partner is dishonest about any of the following: current marital status, having children with a previous partner, intentions of having children (or lack thereof), having a sexually transmitted infection at the time of marriage, criminal history, religion, or any other substantial fact, these could all be treated as grounds for annulment rather than divorce (depending on location). Once again, it comes down to whether the other person would have agreed to the marriage, having known the facts, at the time. Or if a partner was aware of the situation but induced the other partner into thinking that they were happy to proceed with the marriage despite those facts (an example might be a woman who was aware of a man having fathered children with previous partners, only to change her mind later).

Is it necessary or a thing of the past?

The result could be the same. If a married couple who divorces has children, divorce proceedings would decide things like custody, visitation rights, etc. as well as dividing the couple’s assets.

In the case of annulment, let’s say for misrepresentation, the courts may look more favorably at the partner who was misrepresented. The misrepresented facts normally must be substantial (as previously mentioned: dishonesty about marital status, children from previous relationships, criminal history, sexually transmitted infections, religion, or fraud). Misrepresentation is often one key difference between annulment and divorce.

The local or national laws in your area are most likely to dictate whether a marriage annulment is possible for you and what rights partners who have annulled marriages might have. While some may argue that annulments are a thing of the past or only relevant in religious societies, others will argue their advantages in the 21st century. Knowing that your marriage was not valid might provide some comfort and make it easier to start over or find a new partner. But since every relationship is different, the decision to have a marriage annulled or to get divorced is one that couples need to make for themselves.

Beatrix Potter is a professional writer at Write My Essay and Do My Homework writing services. Bea writes about relationships. In her spare time, she enjoys traveling, running and reading a wide range of genres.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.