What is Parallel Parenting?

Coparenting can often feel like you’re walking in a maze, and not exactly sure where it will lead. You get up every day ready to conquer the world, but you also know you’re likely to run into some unforeseen obstacles along the way. This is where parallel parenting can be so valuable.

If you’ve never heard of it before, you’re definitely not alone. I had no earthly idea what it was when one of my close friends mentioned the concept a few years ago. I wondered if I was the only one who didn’t get the memo.

Since learning about its approach to coparenting, I discovered it works for many couples. Women I’ve talked to tell me how common this model of coparenting really is, and how much it’s saving their sanity (and their kids’ emotional well-being).

A Different Kind of Coparenting

Let’s break it all down.

Parallel parenting is sort of like coparenting’s distant cousin. You’re not required to make every single decision with your ex, because you’re each operating in your own parallel universe. You’re both moving in the same direction. Your ex might be taking the train while you opt to drive the car. The main goal is to raise happy, healthy kids. But instead of taking the same form of transportation, you’re each getting to the destination in your own way.

Specifically, parallel parenting is where separated or divorced parents maintain limited contact with each other while cultivating their own relationship and parenting style with their kids. 

The goal is to lessen tension between parents so the children are shielded from as much negative interaction as possible. It’s particularly useful for parents who cannot communicate healthily with each other and where there is a lot of conflict and disagreement. While it may or may not be useful when coparenting with a narcissist, it can be a valuable alternative to a more traditional style of coparenting where regular communication with the other parent is the norm.  And the challenge.

For many women, parallel parenting is a much more relaxing option for caring for the kids after divorce. Instead of clashing over every detail of your child’s life, you can feel peace. If you’re willing to surrender to this form of parenting, it could be your new best friend.

What Does Parallel Parenting Look Like?

• You and your Ex may or may not share physical custody
• You limit contact with your Ex because your relationship is laced with conflict. You are unable to communicate healthily or effectively with him
• While you may continue to share in important decision-making, you conduct your day-to-day parenting separately from your Ex.
• Except for emergencies, you do not check in with your Ex or try to impose your parenting style or expectations on him
• Your communication is limited to a “business-only” approach. You do not discuss personal subjects and limit your information to sharing only about the children
• You limit all personal contact with your Ex. No talking by phone or in person. This may mean you hand off the children without seeing each other.
• You use email, parenting apps, and calendars as your main mode of communication
• Neither one of you changes the custody arrangements/agreement without written agreement from the other
• You never ask your child to be a messenger to the other parent or to make your child your ally against your Ex

When is Parallel Parenting Necessary?

Parallel parenting is perfect for couples who have tried traditional coparenting models and found themselves running into walls (emotional ones, mainly). If you are the type of couple that can’t seem to get through a single conversation about your children, without a major argument, parallel parenting could be a viable option. Many couples have found that this is the absolute lifesaver they have been searching for after divorce.

My friend, Katie, used to have a constant battle about pick-up times with her Ex. No matter how hard she tried, their talks would always escalate into a full-blown scream fest. She finally decided that something had to give. That’s when she first learned about parallel parenting.

Another lady we have worked with at SAS for Women shared her experience with me:

 “It was like no matter what I said or did my Ex and I couldn’t see eye to eye. Switching to parallel parenting made us both see there was an alternative to the vicious cycle—instant relief. We didn’t have to see eye-to-eye on everything anymore–we just had to relax.”

In some cases, the court will automatically recommend parallel parenting, especially if there’s a history of conflict or a strained relationship. Some divorce agreements build it right into the custody agreement, like a complete instruction manual for avoiding chaos. Many courts suggest keeping all communication to emails, to prevent any verbal disagreement between couples–especially in front of the children.

The Legal Side of Parallel Parenting

High-conflict divorces are prime candidates for parallel parenting. In some cases, a family court will suggest or mandate this form of parenting to protect both parents and children from ongoing conflict. 

Women we have worked with at SAS didn’t need the court to tell them—they knew it was the only way to keep their interactions civil. But I’ve heard from others who had it written right into their divorce decree, spelling out how communication should happen, which decisions required joint agreement, and which ones didn’t.

The Impact of Parallel Parenting

The genius of parallel parenting? Your kids will thank you on many levels. 

They no longer have to endure listening to the constant battles during pick-up times or feeling like their parents hate each other. They get to see you and your Ex at your best, instead of your worst. 

Women tell us that setting those boundaries was the best thing they ever did, not only for themselves but for their children. Everybody wins. You no longer experience heart palpitations every time you know you have to see your Ex, anticipating that things will escalate to an unhealthy level. You can regain your peace, knowing that the parameters have been set and both of you get to maintain your sanity.

One woman we know agreed: 

“I am still recovering from my marriage. My husband destroyed me emotionally, and I have a hard time facing him today. I am still so angry and can’t help showing that when he’s around and I am in front of my kids. Giving myself time to heal and work on my divorce recovery has helped me create parallel parenting boundaries.  And I can see that this too has been healing for the kids. They can start to relax now.  As they relax, I’ve started to relax. Parallel parenting isn’t perfect, but so far, it’s transformed our lives.”

The cherry on top is that your kids will be more comfortable. How refreshing is that? You don’t want your kids to feel the burden of your divorce any more than they already have. You want them to grow and thrive after this extremely difficult, life-altering situation. You will never know what works until you give it a try. 

Is Parallel Parenting Right for You?

This form of parenting will have its ups and downs like anything else. The good news is, that it reduces conflict, keeps communication to a minimum, and gives kids a more serene environment. The bad news is, that it’s not a carefree parenting style that some of you may be used to, prefer, or fantasize about. It feels a bit more like marching orders, but at least everyone knows their role and what they have to do.

“Sometimes I miss the conversational side to our relationship, when those talks went well,” says Maria. “But I would trade the few good conversations we had, for the hundred disruptive conversations that never did any of us any good.”

When you trade constant stress and drama for a more peaceful life with parallel parenting, you’ll never go back.

Is Parallel Parenting the Fresh Start You Need?

The short answer is, you’ll never know unless you try. But divorced moms here at SAS will tell you this––after you’ve gone through a toxic marriage or a high-conflict divorce, where you feel like you’re on a constant merry-go-round leading to nowhere, there is a better way.

If traditional coparenting has not been going as planned, this might be the reset button you’ve been waiting for! For some, parallel parenting is a game-changer.

At the end of the day, you deserve to create your best life after divorce. Parallel parenting may not be a perfect solution to dealing with the father of your children, but it could also be the answer to your prayers.

NOTES

This article was written by Lori Ann Feeley who loves helping others find hope in the darkest corners of life. She is a freelance writer, adoption advocate, Certified Life Coach, and Founder & CEO of Faith Revolution Creative. Connect with Lori Ann at loriann@faithrevolutioncreative.com.

 

Divorce coaches since 2012, SAS for Women has been entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusion afterward. 

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”