Why are Women Having a Divorce Party? And Should You?

How you respond to getting through your divorce is unique to you, much like your divorce story. Some women find joy and relief in marking the moment with friends, while others need quiet time to recover. Often, it can depend on how the marriage ended. The person who chose to leave is usually the one more open to a celebration and possibly interested in wanting to give closure to it with a divorce party. But if your Ex was involved in another relationship, or ended the relationship for other reasons, your feelings will likely differ greatly from the initiator’s. What’s coming up for you is the grief and loss of that former life. To celebrate the divorce may feel perverse. And of course, for many women, it’s a convergence of both scenarios: relief and grief, joy and fear, confusion and hope.

In this post, we’ll discuss the merits of a divorce party and make room for its inappropriateness as well!

Divorce Party with a Difference

For those of you who chose to end the marriage, you’re in a more liberated position. Even if it’s an angry and bitter parting, you may decide to celebrate your freedom. For you, a divorce party could involve a rock concert, a Girls’ Getaway with your best friends, or a spa day where you lean into your femininity. But sisterhood is often an important ingredient.

Or not. Your divorce party might even include your Ex.

My divorce party happened on the day I divorced 24 years ago. The dinner at our local Italian restaurant wasn’t meant to celebrate the divorce; it was a farewell party, as I was starting a new job. My ex-boss had arranged the event with his girlfriend and some colleagues.

My Ex didn’t attend the court proceedings on the day we were divorced. But I called him the moment it was all over. And somehow – I’m not sure how – I invited him to join us that evening.

My office farewell party became a Divorce Party of sorts

What got into me? I hoped it would help him come to terms with the divorce. I was keen to celebrate the divorce and the new job too, and as he had been a part of my life, I felt obliged to include him in the celebrations.

Whatever his reasons, he decided to attend. My colleagues were very polite and accommodating. But the atmosphere was at times, strained. And it was only after I’d got a little drunk and was contemplating the inside of my toilet bowl in the middle of the night, that I asked myself: “Why on earth did you do that?”

I suppose the divorce party had special importance, as I don’t drink alcohol as a rule. After 16 years of being the designated driver in the marriage (my Ex was an alcoholic), I’d found the need for some whiskey for courage. But this was very unusual. And I suffered the consequences!

Surely, there were other ways to celebrate my hard-won status as a newly divorced independent woman!

When a Divorce Party is Not a Good Idea

Some women don’t feel empowered after divorce. Perhaps they were blindsided and didn’t see it coming. Maybe they had been living in denial, or indeed, everything did seem okay. Possibly, they acknowledged there were problems, but they were hoping to sort things out through counselling. Whatever the reason, they’re certainly not ready to party and, even if the process is legally finished, maybe asking themselves, how long does it take to get over a divorce?

My colleague Ruth, 54, didn’t feel like celebrating when her husband walked in last Christmas Eve and told her he was moving in with his lover of 3 years.

“The shock and the pain were unbearable – I’m still recovering,” she says. “I’m not ready to celebrate being single again. It’s going to take me a long time to trust again.”

Sally, 60, never saw it coming. She was aghast when her Ex confessed to living 2 separate lives (he had a male lover whom he wanted to marry). “It’s hard to accept that you’ve been living a lie. My husband destroyed me emotionally. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this.”

And other women ask themselves, “Why, when I wanted the divorce am I so sad?”

In cases like these, celebrating the end of a marriage is the furthest thing from the divorcee’s mind. She’d rather stay under the radar until she’s ready to face the world again.

The Revenge Divorce Party

Some women take revenge to another level. Like Dianne, 53, whose Ex was a successful businessman who ran a successful business school. They met when she rented a cottage on his property – and had a tumultuous relationship. Dianne fell pregnant, they wed… and the marriage fell apart.

Today, their daughter is 22 and is studying in London. Dianne lives in the British countryside with her partner.

“I never felt good enough,” she says in hindsight. “My Ex was much older, exceptionally brilliant, and accomplished, while I was young and free-spirited. I freelanced as a writer, and he didn’t think I was particularly talented.  What started off slowly as disrespect grew into a full-blown toxic marriage.

“Our relationship didn’t start on an even footing, as I was his tenant. This imbalance was always an issue, which is one of the reasons I was ready to celebrate when we divorced. My divorce party was a no-holds-barred celebration, an opportunity to toast the ending of all my bad decisions with plenty of alcohol and like-minded friends. It was a loud, raucous event that went through the night.”

Some Crazy Divorce Party Ideas

Here’s what we are saying to you today. You did not survive your divorce and go through all the challenges and chaos to now arrive on the other side and be dictated to how you must run your life.  In your new life after divorce, as with all things, you get to decide what is right for you. Some want to kick up their heels with the newfound freedom, or thoughtfully bring closure to that chapter with various divorce rituals, while others think it’s uncouth.

Stop listening to others if you’ve arrived on the Other Side. 

Do what feels right for you.

For those who’d like to mark the start of a new beginning, we share some divorce party or celebration ideas with you:

• How about a “Divorce Shower”, similar to a Bridal Shower but with different rules? This could be a great way to mark the closing of an era and a new start. Fill the event with family and good friends, and for gifts, choose items she can use in her new life, perhaps for her new house or apartment.  I suggest bubbles for the bath as a not-too-expensive but welcome gift; this always brightens my day.
  
• Some women celebrate the end of a marriage by burning their wedding dress. Done alone, or witnessed by others, this could be a radical move, or a freeing one.
• Nothing beats a great escape. Why not arrange a weekend away by yourself or with your pals? You could head for a seaside resort, or choose a luxury hotel and spa in another city, or Air BnB it in another town. Distance from home can be key in helping you look at your story in a different, healthier way.
• How about making an activity that was taboo in your marriage a regular event? Embrace it! Not only was my Ex an alcoholic but he was also allergic to shellfish and animals. I always felt deprived during those married years.  So I decided to do something about it. I volunteered for three years after my divorce at an animal shelter and never worried about bringing home dog hair. And I can’t tell you how much I enjoy eating shellfish as a regular occurrence. It never gets old!
• Some women want to do healing work on themselves after a divorce. And while it may not be a party, it is a way of commemorating their new life. In Paloma’s Group, SAS’s divorce recovery group for women, the participants embark on a grief recovery project about their former chapter, and it culminates with a celebration that bonds the women with each other and helps them accept themselves in a new, freeing way.

Divorce Party Caution for Well-Meaning Friends

If you are a friend hoping to help your friend recover from divorce, you must ensure your newly divorced pal is fully on board with the idea. In her recovery, her feelings will likely ebb and flow, and for many newly divorced women, they view the crisis as a traumatic experience. While she may agree to celebrate this new chapter on one day, on another day, she may want to back out. Be prepared for that, as her good friend.

I don’t regret my divorce party at all. I don’t even regret inviting my Ex. We celebrated the end of our marriage much like the beginning: There were toasts, and words shared that were meant to inspire hope about the future and honor what we had in the past.  Plus, we were surrounded by great people and enjoyed Italian food. For me, it was a way to normalize the happening, even if it had its bumps, and the fact that my Ex was there was a way of saying to him, we are just moving on in different directions. But I don’t hate you. I can’t live with you anymore, but I don’t hate you. Who could ask for more?

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com

Divorce coaches since 2012, SAS for Women has been entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face navigating divorce and its confusing afterward.  

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”