6 Signs of Miserable Husband Syndrome

I recently heard the phrase “Miserable Husband Syndrome”. I had never heard of it before, let alone that it is a “syndrome”. My first reaction was “Puh-leeze! No marriage is perfect, and every husband is miserable at some time or another. My marriage was full of inconsistencies, as was my Ex. I wasn’t perfect, either.” But then I started thinking more and did some research.  Here’s my new response to the label “Miserable Husband Syndrome.”

Every relationship is unique, and when things go awry, both partners often feel miserable. I certainly was, every 28 days, as I suffered from bad PMT.  And my Ex was miserable whenever things didn’t go his way. So together, we were a pair, cycling in and out of misery, and no doubt creating more for each other.

That was me, but what about others? I found a lot written about Miserable Husband Syndrome (and surprisingly little, interestingly, about “Miserable Wife Syndrome”). The gist about MHS?

“Miserable Husband Syndrome” is not a recognized medical diagnosis; it’s not a physical condition, but it’s certainly a topic people are writing about. And for this reason, it’s worth exploring. 

Is Miserable Husband Syndrome Real?

Do you think Miserable Husband Syndrome is real? Having only experienced a miserable husband intermittently, I’m still on the fence. 

Symptoms seem to be pretty similar to those any miserable person would have, no matter their gender, whether married or not. Honestly, at some time in our lives, we’ve all been unhappy, negative, irritable, even withdrawn. But the Miserable Husband’s reactions to having these negative feelings are what we’re discussing here. Apparently, those feelings don’t disappear – and if left to fester, they increase in intensity. The miserable husband is unmotivated, and he believes everybody in the family is the cause of the problem. Eventually, he becomes emotionally detached. Some couples may live in this kind of toxic marriage forever. While in other situations, one or both partners may decide that the only viable solution is divorce.

What is Miserable Husband Syndrome?

We know that everybody experiences being miserable at some time or another. But with Miserable Husband Syndrome, a man’s mood worsens as each day progresses. He becomes difficult to live with. It’s hard to coax him into going out and exercising, or doing some kind of activity that would increase dopamine and maybe lift the funk. He’s not interested in watching a funny movie or engaging socially. He’s unmotivated and angry. Sometimes, the miserable husband may decide to see a professional, who may help him (and the family) or who could prescribe antidepressants. But other times, on MH’s part, there’s no admission to any kind of problem.

What I found particularly interesting about Miserable Husband Syndrome is its similar effects to depression. But the two also differ. As we know, depression is a mental health issue that is usually diagnosed and can be treated by experts. Miserable Husband Syndrome can be linked to depression, but it’s not a mental health issue.

The syndrome and its symptoms might be directly linked to a man’s reactions to his marriage.

Or it could be caused by other things, such as hormonal change or reacting to a life event, such as losing a job, retiring, moving to another town or country, or bereavement … the loss of a person they are close to.

6 Signs or Symptoms of Miserable Husband Syndrome (MHS)

Here are six signs associated with Miserable Husband Syndrome:

Constant negativity and complaining, or silence

Nobody enjoys spending time with a person who is constantly negative, uncommunicative, unhappy, and withdrawn. To survive in the same house, you have to walk on eggshells.  This makes family life strained and unpleasant when MH is around. Arguments and misunderstandings occur while fear hangs in the background. At any time, MH could be grumpy or embarrassing (especially if friends are visiting).

Irritability

It’s no surprise the family wants to escape from a persistently moody husband or father. His demeanor may be related to stress, but whatever is wrong affects every family member, including pets.

Withdrawing Emotionally

When he is detached and doesn’t care about his family’s needs, something has to give to regain that closeness, love, and warmth. Often, it falls on the other parent, or mother, to compensate for the dysfunction, or to try to normalize it when it’s not normal at all.

He’s Oversensitive and Overreacts

He’s more sensitive than usual and reacts to situations differently from what the family is accustomed to. This is alarmingly out of character. He loses his temper when he used to take matters in stride, or reacts strongly when he seemed unbothered in the past.

Refusing to Attend Social Activities

If he is an introvert, it’s perfectly normal when he keeps to himself. But if he’s normally quite social and an extroverted person, and suddenly starts avoiding social events, something is wrong.

Lack of Energy & No Interest in Intimacy

Unless your partner is generally placid and rarely energetic, this is a problem. And no interest in sex is a problem, too. Whatever the reasons, you deserve to have a serious discussion about the state of things and your sexless marriage, and what you can do to rehabilitate the relationship. It will take both of you.

Causes for Miserable Husband Syndrome

The only times my Ex was really miserable were when he was unable to enjoy his two vices – alcohol and dope. (This relates to his “not getting what he wanted.”) So, work trips overseas were a nightmare, because he couldn’t take his bad habits with him through Customs – in those days, marijuana was illegal. Like a predictable pattern, I could hear it in his voice when he’d call home to “check on us”, my daughter and me, and instead vented about how “annoyed” or “ticked off” he was while abroad.

But what are the causes of MHS for others?

Let’s take a look and ask yourself, are any of these factors alive in your marriage? Are you familiar with MHS?

Marriage Issues:

No surprise here, it wouldn’t be called Miserable Husband Syndrome if marriage weren’t the most common problem. So, it may be a good idea to sit down and face the fact that he’s unhappy (and you’re probably unhappy) and ask what’s bothering him and share what’s bothering you. If that won’t work, get yourselves into counseling if you can, where he might feel safe or compelled to give the therapist more information, and together, you might learn tools for improving your marriage. You deserve support too for feeling abandoned, overlooked, or possibly wondering if you should leave your husband.

Not Dealing with Problems:

If you are unaware that he has a problem, and he doesn’t tell you what’s bothering him, matters can escalate.

Anxiety or Depression:

Everyone experiences some form of anxiety or depression sometimes, and this can also happen because of or during a shaky marriage. If that is the case, he is likely to be withdrawn, which may or may not surprise the family.

Self-Esteem:

Something unexpected could diminish his self-worth, and subsequently affect your marriage. Has something life-changing happened that has knocked the wind from his sails? Perhaps he’s reached a milestone birthday or lost his job? Or is he feeling that his role in the family is being threatened or marginalized?

Stress:

Stress is an expected part of modern life. When times are tough because of marriage, familial, professional, or financial issues, MHS can take hold or be exacerbated.

Health Problems:

Illness, whether it’s simply a “flu” or something more serious like hypertension or even a cancer scare, can mean making important wellness changes. This could come as a shock, especially if your partner is generally fit and healthy. Confronting mortality is something that changes the way we look at ourselves. This can be very stressful and change the family dynamic.

Testosterone Level Dropping:

Related to health is the fact that he’s aging, and hormone changes can affect his temperament.

Life Changes:

When you’re faced with an empty nest because all the kids have left, or you’re retiring, and find your days no longer filled with activities, these changes can cause a feeling of grief and loss of purpose.

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Check out“Do Stay-at-Home Moms Get Alimony?”  if you raised your children from home and are now wondering how you would ever survive if you had to change things.

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The Impact of Miserable Husband Syndrome

I may have had an abusive husband, but his behavior wasn’t a result of Miserable Husband Syndrome. If he did suffer from this, and he’d recovered from all those feelings of alienation, misery, negativity, and stress, our divorce and the way he’s shown up as a father afterwards would have been very different. No, mine was an alcoholic who made our lives miserable. 

A woman who faces Miserable Husband Syndrome may also reach a breaking point and decide it’s time to leave her husband.

But when your first reaction is to run away, stop for a moment. Try to look past the resentment, the pain, and that feeling of being unloved.

Understanding Miserable Husband Syndrome can help you weather the storm. Knowing that there is a label for it, and that others have experienced it, can help you detach a bit from its personal impact and see it for what it is: a depression or condition that affects many men for different reasons. You may decide you can be part of your spouse’s healing (if he’ll have it). But supporting him will involve plenty of patience and understanding, lots of communication, and perhaps marital or divorce counseling. If you both roll up your sleeves (not just you, it can never be just you “saving” the marriage), you may stop your marriage from ending in divorce.

Conclusion

Despite being divorced myself, I honestly believe that divorce should be the last resort. Try to save your marriage if you can, before making such a life-changing decision. But I also say, if your husband is not willing to get help or to work on the marriage with you, you deserve to explore other options than what it is to stay married to that status quo of pain and negativity.  Living in a toxic world has an enormous impact on our being: our bodies, our minds, our hearts, and our spirits.

 It may feel like you are in a corner. But you have choices.

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa, with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com

 

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”