Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?
I’m not friends with my Ex. Yes, we’re civil, but there’s a line he isn’t allowed to cross, and I’m very strict about it. We have a gorgeous daughter together, and for that reason, we’ve always been respectful. When she was younger, we’d celebrate her birthday as a ‘family’, and this annual restaurant dinner would be pleasant. Not mind-blowing or fun, just okay. We’d choose our seating carefully so she was in the middle with us on either side. We’d go Dutch, or, if in a generous mood, he’d take care of the bill.
It meant a lot to her to have both parents celebrating her life with her on her special day. We’d make the most of the occasion, telling her stories of what she was like as a baby, how cute she was, and the little things she did that still make us smile. And then he’d drive off into the distance, and I’d sigh with relief that I didn’t have to see much of him for another year.
Can you be friends with your Ex? I can’t
There’s a reason I keep our times together so short. You see, he married again, and he’s best friends with that ex-wife. (Yes they divorced, too.) She’s more forgiving than I am, and she’s also Mediterranean, so, to her, family is king. As she has never remarried, she keeps her Ex (and my Ex) close. When their daughter was small, the little one had the best of both worlds. No matter the occasion, her dad was always included.
My daughter recently had to remind her dad that he was divorced from his second wife. He had just enjoyed lunch with her and other family members, celebrating their pending vacation on a European island paradise. He was the only one not invited to join the family island idyll, and he felt very left out. “Dad, you’re not married to Alice anymore,” my daughter reminded him. “You’ve been divorced nearly 15 years, so why should she invite you?”
He was surprised. Sometimes I think he forgets they are divorced; to him, they just conveniently live apart and see each other when it suits them. They spend lots of time together, call each other every second day, and have even been on local vacations with their 18-year-old.
If he feels ill, she’s the person he calls. If he needs something, she’s there for him. They’re best friends.
Yes, some people can be friends with their Ex
It took me a while to find another divorced couple as friendly as those two. And the only other couple I heard about who get on well, and spend time together even when they don’t have to, are Dave and Cynthia.
Dave, 60, and Cynthia, 53, live in New York. They were both divorced when they met and tied the knot together two decades ago. Then later, Cynthia was shocked when Dave asked for a divorce, because, although they were both very independent people they got on well and genuinely cared for each other.
Dave felt they were not in synch: Cynthia still had her life ahead of her, and he was ready to retire from his business and move to Miami. Cynthia has a fabulous job with an NGO that deals with abused children, and she’s not keen to give up her quest.
The couple have adult children from their previous marriages, but no kids together. About 18 months ago, they amicably divorced, and Dave moved to Florida. He returns to NYC regularly to see his two sons, and when he visits the city, he spends time with Cynthia.
“I suppose we had to reach this compromise so that both of us could be happy,” Cynthia admits. “We chat on the phone often when Dave’s not in town, and regularly go out for meals or drinks when he’s visiting his kids here.
“After spending so many years together, it would be hard to part ways indefinitely. This way, we have quality time together – and we always have so much to talk about!”
Not feeling so forgiving? Consider reading “How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Divorce, and 4 Signs You are on Your Way”.
Can you be friends with your Ex? Why it’s so important
There are plenty of reasons why it’s a good idea to have a decent relationship with your Ex, especially if you have children. Parents who are civil with each other make it a lot easier for kids to get over the marriage break-up. If there’s no animosity, the children don’t have to feel torn. They can spend time with each parent separately and not feel guilty. They can enjoy the time they spend with each parent, without the other parent feeling left out. It’s much healthier for all involved in the divorce.
Studies have shown that positive co-parenting enables the children involved to develop well socially and emotionally. It makes sense: your child isn’t going to act out if everybody’s getting on well. This is why parents need to be civil to each other when co-parenting and moving forward.
There are other reasons, too: if you can provide your kids with emotional stability by coparenting together without conflict, kids feel safe and loved instead of abandoned and neglected. As they can have close relationships with both parents, they cope better with the divorce situation and build healthy relationships in adulthood because of the good example they were set.
Check out “Will the Kids Be All Right? Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children”.
More reasons to be friends with your Ex
As I mentioned earlier, there are lots of reasons you should be friends with your Ex. I remember everything my psychologist at the time had to say about this. She was right: even if the marriage is over, he’s not the villain in the entire story. There was a time when you fell in love with him and wanted to marry him. There were many reasons for this, and I remember my response when asked this question.
Sure, I was physically attracted to him, but I also found him funny, sensitive, and extremely creative. As an award-winning photojournalist, he had plenty to be proud of. And I was in awe of his talent. By the time he was 28, he’d won every major photographic award in the country. He was one of a kind. And this, more than anything else, was why I was attracted to him.
But, as the psychologist prompted, there had to be more reasons than that, for me to live with him for seven years and marry him for nine. And there were: we had similar occupations – he was the Image Editor of a financial magazine, and I was an editor of a lifestyle magazine. We had worked together and built up a group of friends in the industry. We had similar goals and ideals.
What psychologist say
When you have shared so much together, you’ve been more than friends. And it’s hard to throw that all away. You’ve shared so many memories, both good and bad. You’ve overcome difficulties as a couple and had highlights and many memories. And if you share children, that’s the clincher. That bond is impossible to break completely.
So being friends after a divorce should be possible.
At the time of our divorce, my psychologist explained to me the importance of remaining civil for the sake of our child. And, however hard that is – and it has been tough at times – I’m glad I listened to her. Because my daughter may have separate relationships with the two of us, but one thing is certain: she never felt unloved. She knew we both had her interests at heart. And she was, and still is, able to spend time with each of us knowing that we’re always there for her. We are united in our love for her.
Another valid reason for being friends with your Ex is to make the divorce easier. If the two of you can mutually agree on terms instead of fighting over every issue, like custody, maintenance, and the myriad ugly things that rear their heads at this time, your divorce will be simpler, less fraught with battles, and have less of an effect on both of you and the children, too.
Why does an uncontested divorce make so much sense? Read “What are the 5 Advantages of an Uncontested Divorce?”
Do Americans Stay Friends With Their Exes?
US Market Research company YouGov has covered extensive research on whether Americans stay friends with their Exes after a divorce. And this is what they have to say: “Among all Americans, 37% say that if they ended the relationship, they’d like to stay friends with the ex-partner they broke up with; 29% say they wouldn’t want to stay friends. On the other hand, slightly fewer – 31% – say they’d want to stay friends if the ex was the one who ended the relationship; 34% say they wouldn’t.”
So your Ex cheated on you? Read “How a Cheating Spouse’s Behavior Impacts the Divorce”
Conclusion
Whether you attempt the friendship route or have a more pragmatic approach to the end of your marriage, it’s up to you. After all, there’s not only one way to behave when you divorce. It certainly makes a difference who initiates the divorce, which is why some women burn their wedding dresses to signal the marriage is over. But hopefully, the two of you can come to a less dramatic ending. And when you do come into contact with each other, remember that civility goes a long way to making your children happy.
NOTES
Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com
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*SAS continues to support same-sex and nonbinary marriage. In this article, however, we refer to your spouse as husband/he/him.
