Cultural Tradition and the Divorcing Woman: 5 Must-Knows
Divorce can be an isolating experience, especially when cultural tradition and the divorcing woman are at odds. When I informed my family of my divorce back in India, I remember feeling ashamed, before anything else. There were no comforting gazes, sympathetic pats on my back, or consoling words—only questions. “Why?” It was on the tip of their tongue, and I was unwilling to reopen my marital wounds. They did not need an answer. They should have trusted my judgment. But still, they pushed and pushed, something we have all experienced. Perhaps blinded by naivete, I thought my family would accept my decision to file for divorce, especially since they had shown me the value of empowering myself. I was following my education, so where was my shoulder to cry on? I was alone, but I knew I had done nothing wrong.
Confronting Who I Am Versus Who My Family Intended Me to Become
I learned from a young age that I needed to work for my happiness. My family had instilled in me the power of resilience, an ability to thrive in the face of adversity. Yet, as many of you understand, sometimes it is no longer sustainable to stay in a situation that brings one misery.
My support system also taught me the importance of courage. Because of my staunch resolution to help as many people as possible through clinical psychology, I gained a higher education degree and multiple accolades throughout my life. The same courage that pushed me to achieve great heights allowed me to bravely seek a divorce after realizing my marriage’s instability.
However, I devastatingly learned that my family did not intend for me to use my moral strength to end my unhappy marriage. They considered marriage a sacred commitment. To them, my self-worth stemmed from my ability to keep my marriage intact; my courage was supposed to only serve me for enduring and tolerating the ‘rough patches’ of my marriage. My family made this sentiment abundantly clear when I informed them of my decision, demanding me to reconsider my decision and express gratitude if my partner accepted my apology and took me back.
I was taken aback, but I felt equally motivated to prove to my family that I was firm in my decision. I knew who I was, and I was unwilling to let anyone tell me otherwise.
Learning To Heal By Myself
Looking back, I am surprised I thought my revelation would inspire any other reaction considering my culture’s traditional outlook on marriage and family’s mores. I will not lie to you: I had a rough experience exiting my marriage because of social stigma and familial pressure.
According to the Journal of Socio-Economics, many women in Asian countries stay in their marriages to avoid long-term internal and external stigma, even if they understand that they would benefit from a divorce.
My experience is not unique, but I am proud to say I handled my divorce on my own. In the end, this personal journey enabled me to fully grasp the depth of my strength and to heal on my own.
I learned to simultaneously navigate cultural traditions and discover myself after my divorce in five ways, and I implore you to do the same if you are struggling.
1. Prioritizing Yourself Using Self-Care and Mindfulness
In one of the toughest moments of my life, I forgot about the practice I preach daily.
Mindfulness is when you learn to dwell within your current mind and self-correct negative thoughts. You can repeat positive affirmations to yourself and use meditation to instill some quiet into your life when all you hear is criticism. Coming to terms with your own emotions after a divorce is a priority, especially when those around you hold an intolerant attitude towards marital separation. Additionally, I found time to reconnect with some of the activities that used to bring me so much joy. I started reading and running again to deal with some of my external pressures.
My family noticed that I was glowing and much more carefree after the divorce, and I found that they were slowly accepting my new life. They could see the stark contrast in my attitude during my marriage and after, and they were learning to shed their conservative thinking and place my happiness first. I will admit that they never fully accepted my decision, but I could occasionally see their position waver as I progressed into my divorce recovery.
2. Assert Your Agency
In India, women are traditionally viewed as homemakers, but the world has evolved, and we are equally capable of participating and excelling in the workplace. My family did not hold to the sentiment that I should stay at home, but they did expect me to place my partner’s well-being above my own. I had to minimize myself for their and my spouse’s sake. After exiting my marriage, I wanted to rekindle my control over my life, expand my capacity to accomplish greatness, and believe in my capabilities above all.
For me, I empowered myself by throwing myself at my career. I created goals for myself and started journaling the future that I envisioned for myself. I manifested winning more awards for helping others—and eventually achieved that aspiration. For those unsure of what empowerment looks like, I recommend journaling. Setting short-term and long-term goals in different areas of your life can help you visualize the future and start your journey to self-discovery.
If at times you waver, you feel like you are shrinking back to an old way of being, wondering how long does it take to get over a divorce — know that this is normal. Take hold, you are doing things and you are not in the same place you used to be.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
From my family, I learned that I was only worth something when a man was at my side. I was pressured to remarry after my family accepted that my divorce was inevitable. They could not accept me moving on with my life without a partner at my side, even if I was content by myself.
I think my family wanted me to remarry because my community at home was beginning to ostracize me, viewing me as less than due to the high value placed on marriage. My reputation was suffering and in a twisted way, perhaps my family was looking out for me when they implored me to seek a new spouse.
Unfortunately, they failed to realize my wounds were still healing, and I was not able to begin something with someone else. In this instance, I practiced self-compassion for myself. I allowed myself the time, space, and energy to grieve my marriage. When no one in my community seemed to care for my own well-being, I acknowledged my own pain and admired my strength to move ahead in life. Sometimes, in our life after divorce, we need to extend kindness to ourselves when no one else will.
4. Build Support Networks
I recall feeling so alone after my divorce. As mentioned before, I could no longer communicate with my family without eyes of judgment digging into my soul and harsh words falling out of their mouth. They were my main support system, but I lost them. When healing from a major life change, we need at least one person to rally at our side, and in this instance, I felt like I had no one.
Therefore, I decided to attend a support group for other divorcees experiencing the same challenges as me. I spoke openly about my difficulty processing the abrupt end of my marriage after several years, and how everyone in my life scrutinized my decision. I had enough autonomy to end a marriage that did not serve me, and the confidence to follow through with my decision. But at times, this did not feel like enough. The group welcomed me with open arms and offered me the support I desperately craved.
If your family is offering you their blessing during your divorce process, please thank them for encouraging your independence. It is a rare gesture in my culture.
If you are looking for other thoughtful women as you see to rebuild your most meaningful life, try to find a vetted divorce recovery group for women. Surrounded by others who understand your journey and who inspire you, will make you feel normalized as you strive to move forward.
5. Praise Your Journey Along the Way
One of my biggest regrets was not frequently acknowledging the progress I was making in my healing journey. I made a small step towards becoming me again, and then I moved on to the next without much respite. To feel good about ourselves, we must notice our efforts if we want to feel energized to cross the finish line. Otherwise, we will focus too deeply on our slip-ups and fall into a pit of self-loathing despite all the achievements made thus far. Therefore, I encourage everyone reading this article to thank themselves for taking the first step in their path to recovery. There is certainly more to come but for now, integrate grace into your life. I wish I had done so; I have come so far.
For next steps to stay inspired and committed to you, read “100 Must Do’s for the Newly Divorced Independent Woman.”
Conclusion
To cleanse myself of any residual bitterness, I have learned to forgive my family for their failure to come to my side at my darkest moment. The next chapter of my life is about me, and I need to feel free from the social stigma that chained me. I am happy, and I will dwell on this feeling, as I continue to navigate life after divorce.
NOTES
Navigating a divorce is a difficult path, so if you’re ready to take the next step toward a more balanced, mindful life, visit Dr. Ayesha Suneja-Seymour‘s website for resources, guided meditations, and more information on how she can help you on your journey to healing.
Since 2012, SAS for Women has been entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward.
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*SAS continues to support same-sex and nonbinary marriage. In this article, however, we refer to your spouse as husband/he/him.
