Divorced and Dating After 60: We’re Pickier

It was looking for love long ago that probably got us to this place today, but now that we are divorced and considering dating after 60, we’re feeling differently about what we’re searching for. Chances are it’s not the same as before, because we are different. Oh, we know, we’ve been saying “We’re different” since high school. But this time, it’s for real.

This time, as we step out to meet the Other, shyly or confidently, we must remind ourselves of this very fact: we are particular, more selective, or, said another way, simply pickier. While we each can consider our personal story that makes us different from when we first sought (or tumbled into?) love years ago, four unifying factors unite us as a generation of women over sixty.

We’re not talking about physical, cosmetic, or superficial features that make us different (we have society to remind us of those). No, we’re talking about deeper realities that set us apart.

Understanding and embracing what makes us different as older women will help us step into ourselves even more.

In this article, we’ll explore what unites us women as a generation, and build on this, propose concrete ways to get started now that we are divorced and dating (or considering it) after 60.

Before we discuss the 4 factors that make us unusual, let’s confirm our starting point. Let’s agree that THIS TIME, no matter what, it’s on us to decide (and not our well-meaning friends or family) when and if we are ready to dance again.

For all we’ve been through and survived, we owe this to ourselves.

Going forth … we will call the shots on what we do, when, and with whom.

This means that you, Dear Reader, are here because you are curious, if not genuinely interested in dating. Or, you are already dating. If that’s not you — you are still feeling broken, healing, or wondering if the pain of divorce will ever go away, or are even, flat-out not interested in dating, honor your heart. There is no reason in the world you must date, EVER. Keep listening to yourself.

For those ready (rearing to go?), let’s discuss the four ways you, an independent woman over 60, are different from our younger sisters, and other too from who you used to be. And why this makes us as a generation confidently realistic yet open to dating, and especially privileged as we set to work reclaiming our lives.

How We Redefine Being Divorced and Dating After 60

Boomers II, they call us, are women born between 1955 and 1964, and so there are many things we supposedly do or represent as a generation. But one that relates to this topic — does so glaringly!

We’ve had no experience with the digital dating world until now that we’ve landed here, divorced, and looking around.

Ironically, this makes us babes in the woods. It doesn’t help that we’ve probably heard horror stories about online dating. Or that we’ve watched our children use dating apps, and it’s bewildered or even scared us more. Can’t we just meet someone the old-fashioned way?

We might put the word out to friends, or hint to a family member that we are “open” to meeting someone. But sometimes those friends and family are woefully slow or inept at setting us up. Elsewhere, in our daily ambles, we’re not meeting Mr./Ms. Right, while scanning the National Enquirer at the checkout line. When our friends fail us, we might consider walking into a bar. But that, too, gives us pause. The fact is, if we are genuinely interested in meeting people, serendipity often fails to materialize. This is when online dating can sound a little or a lot interesting. 

Yet, that old negative self-talk might start to act up. 

At SAS, we understand this natural defense — which is why we beg you to keep reading, to lean into your strength, and to learn what makes women like us different.

Let’s begin by obliterating the undesirable label of “Boomer II”!

There are at least four factors that make us a “Blooming” generation of exceptional flowers. We’ve been “around-round,” and as a result, compared to others, we know more about ourselves and what we want and don’t want.

4 Ways Divorced Women Who Are Dating After 60 Are Different

1. “We are pickier”

As the love guru and cultural anthropologist Helen Fisher (now 78) says, ‘The older you get, the pickier you get.” 

Fisher should know.  A consultant to the online dating company Match, Fisher has conducted dozens of surveys with dating app participants. She’s discovered that people over sixty are more likely than younger people to insist on initial sexual chemistry as a must-have for a long-term relationship.

“When you don’t have to worry about practical things, like raising kids or maintaining a home,” Fisher explains, “you can focus on desire.”“

I married my first husband because he was handsome, but also, I have to admit, well-established. I knew he would be a good provider for my children, and if I stayed home, I’d be taken care of,” says Ann, a 65-year-old SAS client who lives in San Diego. “Now, when I date, and I don’t do it often, I only go on a second date with someone whose mind intrigues me and who treated me well during our first meeting. I don’t care how much money he has, as long as he can pay for himself, is interested in doing cultural things like me, and knows enough to ask questions … about me! To me, that’s sexy. That’s desirable!”

The fact that we are choosier at this stage of our lives seems to be a result of where we are chronologically, beyond the parenting years and earlier life logistics, when the pressure was on us to build a home and family.

2. There is less pressure for us to remarry

From the outside, too, the world is looking at us differently now that we are divorced women of sixty+. No one is expecting us to reproduce, and there’s less pressure for us to walk (trip?) down the aisle again. While people may still ask us if we’re partnered up (“… Is there someone special?”), there’s far less expectation that we will or must be coupled.

More significantly. and coming from within, is the truth that many of us divorced women have no interest in ever marrying again.

According to a Pew study, only 15 percent of previously married women say they want to do it again. (The other 85 percent said they didn’t want to marry or weren’t sure). Compared to men the same age, women are more than 50 percent less interested in remarriage.

Michael Rosenfeld, a sociologist at Stanford University, says that the difference comes from women who tend to be less satisfied in heterosexual marriage. Some women, as he explains it, are simply tired of navigating the challenges of caregiving and relationships, and they will not do it again.

The lessening social pressure and our own “softening” desire to remarry combine to create this second factor in our Blooming Profile.

3. The Hard-Earned Independence Factor

Because our hormones are shifting, we have less patience and greater clarity on what will work for us and what will not. We have no tolerance for nonsense or games.

If we’ve been on our own, we’ve learned we don’t need a man to provide for us. This means he’s nice to have, but not a necessity.

“I’ve got the best female friends,” admits SAS client Madhu, a 72-year-old divorced woman in New York City. “They understand me like no one else ever did. And when I am in need, I turn to them to fill me up and remind me of who I am. In my life after divorce now, I’m not looking for that from a man. Never found such a guy anyhow in my many years, and I am not sure that they make’em that way. But today, I’ll go to a play with my gentleman friend, but when I want to cackle and howl at the moon, or cry and fall apart on a sofa, it’s my posse of females I turn to.”

4. The Freedom Factor

By the time you’ve reached this place of being divorced and dating after sixty, you are freer. You don’t have as many expectations about dating or what your relationship must be like. You might have ideas, but you are more flexible because life and the divorce made you this way. Society has stopped pushing you. (It doesn’t know what to make of you.) And for this reason, you are standing outside the boxes of convention. This gives you the freedom to decide what you want and to really listen to yourself and be careful with the negative self-talk.

Doing the work to heal from our stories and genuinely immersing ourselves in our divorce recovery has helped us realize that dating when we are older doesn’t mean trying to recreate the past or adhering to past expectations. It’s about embracing now, leveraging the wisdom we’ve accrued, trusting our instincts, knowing the reason we are dating, and then being open to some degree.

That openness comes with boundaries!

Because we have to protect ourselves and our vulnerability, let’s accept and befriend our vulnerability. It’s what makes us human. Here are some ideas on how to do that:

Accepting Vulnerability:

• Be open and authentic, even when it feels uncomfortable.
• Learn from your past experiences without letting them define you. Have you done your divorce recovery work?
• Trust that vulnerability is the foundation of meaningful connections. But realize, too, that not every connection we make is meaningful. It’s only the privileged few who are invited into our most vulnerable space.

Getting Started as a Divorced Woman and Dating After 60

Spend a little time asking yourself why you are dating. Get clear on your goal (as simple or robust as it may be), because you will likely be asked about it (… “What are you looking for?”) by interested others. 

Are you dating because …

• you are seeking companionship?
• a lover?
• a friend?
• a soul mate?
• you need someone to check the oil in your car?
• or, something else?

This is important to know as you begin your adventure, and good for you to share at the right time. This prompts other considerations, of course, like what you will and will not talk about when you meet people. Give yourself boundaries on what to discuss in all respects, but especially with opening up about your divorce story. It is rarely an aphrodisiac.

Braving the Online Dating World

While it is not for everyone, online dating is the most popular way to meet people. It’s what’s worked for us at SAS for Women and many of our clients. It offers exciting possibilities to connect with others whom you would never meet otherwise. These prospects may be future companions, or, as we’ve learned at SAS, friends and even professional connections who further your work or genius business idea. As we create our best life after divorce, let’s be open to simply meeting people with whom we might do things or who might round out our lives in surprising ways.

Tips for Success in Online Dating

1. Choose the Right Platform

Look for sites or apps geared toward mature daters. Pick platforms that match your goals, whether you’re seeking companionship, romance, or a serious relationship. Some women like the slow pace of harmony. Others like the relationship-oriented approach of Hinge. Others are willing to brave Tinder and maximize its value as a way of meeting lots of people, since it’s one of the most popular apps with thousands of users. (And no, it’s not only a “hook up” site.)

2. Create an Authentic Profile

Our seasoned divorce advice for dating is to use 3-5 current photos. One should show your face, another your full body (no need for frontal nudity or to be in a bikini!), and another, you enjoying your life out in the world. You’ll have to accept that on dating apps, people are going to look at your pictures first. So, have a friend take pictures of you if you don’t have recent pics. When selecting photos, ask your friend which photos are your best. As for the text, write a description that genuinely reflects who you are and what you’re looking for. But keep it brief. It should be a snapshot of you, not a biography.

3. Prioritize Safety

Be mindful of the personal information you share. Trust your instincts, and take your time getting to know someone before meeting in person. (Remember the story of The Tinder Swindler? It’s a true one.) We encourage you to use a new email address that does not reflect your name, and keep your dating communications segregated to that email so you can stay organized and not blend your dating adventures with your phone bill, emails from your kids, or in short, the rest of your life.

4. Communicate Openly

Focus on being light-hearted and playful at first before delving into meaningful conversations. This will help you gauge compatibility and build rapport. Don’t take it personally if you are “ghosted”. This is when someone you’ve been talking to or perhaps even met can’t explain why they are no longer interested in you or continuing communication. Poof! They disappear.  Ghosting happens to all of us who date online. Consider it a sign that the person doesn’t meet your standards anyway, and move on.

5. Plan Comfortable Meetings

When you’re ready to meet, keep it simple. Propose a drink, a coffee, a margarita, or a fresh juice.  (You’ve reached an age when you understand some people don’t drink alcohol, and maybe that’s you.)  Choose a public place where you feel at ease and keep the meeting short so you can think about the person afterward and decide if you want to meet again.

6. Endeavor to Stay Honest

If you really liked someone, wait and see the vibe or response you get after meeting — before you jump into full-fantasy mode of how great you two would be “Together 4-Eva!”. Protect your heart, your precious vulnerability, and be measured. 

If you are not interested in someone after talking online or meeting in person, honor your truth. This does not mean being so authentic that you share your deepest feelings, like “I could not stand the way you talked only about yourself, and when not, were constantly checking your phone, so Sayonara!” But create a simple, neutral statement that you can use over and over again. This will lessen your stress about getting out of situations you don’t desire. Consider something like this, “

I really enjoyed meeting (or talking with you), but I don’t think we are a good match. I wish you luck in your search and that you find what you are looking for. Take care.”

And don’t feel you ever have to give a laundry list of reasons why you don’t want to continue. End it, call your girlfriend, and deconstruct the “date” detail by detail, or pick up a game of pickleball.

Because starting to date after divorce, especially when you’re over 60, is not only about seeking someone to share time with. It’s especially and importantly a deep adventure of self-discovery, a time to explore your own depths that may have been waiting quietly in the wings for years if not decades.

If you are serious about rebuilding yourself in this next chapter of your independence, consider joining us for Paloma’s Group, our unusual divorce recovery program for women. In Paloma’s Group, you’ll meet women like you, women seeking to heal, understand themselves, and evolve. Our work together centers on rebuilding your life consciously. We also tackle issues like meeting new people, creating meaningful relationships, and how to safely and confidently date if that’s something that appeals to you. Learn about our divorce recovery group, Paloma, here.

Going out and meeting new people, even preparing to meet them, can help you rediscover (or even recognize for the first time) what turns you on, what kind of people enrich your life and spirit, and how you want to spend time going forth. Yes, you get to start over! It’s a privilege. Being divorced and dating after 60 could be just the opportunity you didn’t know you were waiting for.

Lean into it.

What lessons did you learn about yourself, having survived your divorce? As you move forward, which boundaries will help you feel strong and safe? And when it comes to dating, what are your must-haves and non-negotiables? Above all, what makes you laugh? 

Thinking about these questions helps you realize there’s freedom in choosing who you want to be, the kind of people you wish to surround yourself with, and the way you want to experience yourself.

Embrace Your Pickiness and Who You Are

From that place of self-connection, Dear Bloomer, we dare you to investigate dating apps and just play with writing a dating profile. It could be something you do just for you, or it could be the opening to a brave but wonderful new world.

NOTES

Since 2012, SAS for Women has been entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while navigating the divorce experience and its confusing aftermath. 

No matter where you are in your journey of recreation, SAS offers you six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you and your precious future.

Be unapologetically modern > Join our tribe now and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”