I am So Depressed and Lonely in My Marriage

I’ve always believed marriage was supposed to be a partnership, but it was hard to feel that I was part of a couple when things weren’t working in my own. What I expected to happen – supporting each other in a partnership, being together, being mutually respected – wasn’t my reality. I was often depressed and lonely in my marriage, which certainly wasn’t the way I’d expected to feel as one-half of a couple.

It was a really bad time, where we no longer talked about ‘our friends’ or ‘our next holiday’, or even ‘our daughter’. We weren’t a couple anymore. Instead, I found myself on my own and that my Ex was a separate entity. He was in one corner of the boxing ring, and I was in the other.

No Longer Part of a Couple

When I got to the stage where I didn’t feel part of a couple anymore, I was in a bad place. As I write this now, I realize no wonder I felt so down. And when things got worse, and I began contemplating our circumstances and eventually realized that divorce was inevitable, my stress levels were off the charts. When this happened, I was emotional and found it difficult to be rational about the fact that my life was falling apart. Of course, when you have a child, like we did, that stress and anxiety heighten. I had to look and act relaxed when my daughter was in the room – and that wasn’t easy.

Searching for Support and Perspective

This is when I realized I needed to speak to someone to help me stop feeling so alone. I couldn’t keep this burden to myself any longer—I needed someone to talk to, someone who could offer feedback and perspective. Talking about my feelings felt necessary. Venting and asking for advice without feeling trapped became a priority. It wasn’t obvious whom to turn to. I didn’t know anyone who was divorced.

During my journey to find help and learn if I needed to step away from the marriage, I discovered some great free divorce resources for women and used many of these to back up my feelings and make me feel better. I also reached out to friends, who then connected me with other women who had experienced the pain of divorce. Listening to their stories helped me understand how they coped and what guided them through the difficult journey. However, I quickly realized that every divorce story is unique, and I needed to be mindful of whose advice I took to heart. It was easy to get distracted by their problems and challenges when mine were very different.  Some well-meaning women were transferring their trauma onto me. It was too much!

Depressed and Lonely in My Marriage: My First Steps

But things worsened in my marriage. There came a time when I realized there was no going back. Alone or not, understood by others, or not, I’d reached the point where I decided it was time for something else. I had already felt like my husband destroyed me emotionally, but now I was feeling it professionally. I was having a hard time showing up for work. And I realized if I didn’t have an income, I may never be able to escape.

Discovering the Power of a Divorce Coach

After Googling for countless hours in the dark, trying to figure out what to do first, and what to do second, I discovered answers on Google that were written by “divorce coaches.”  Divorce coaches? Who are they? What ARE they?

After researching the kind of work a divorce coach does, I dared myself! I talked to several and did my best to interview them about something I knew little about. How could they help me if I did not know what I needed?  After probably 5 conversations with various coaches, I felt more certain about what I wanted and what kind of person I might relate to. I returned to one of the coaches I had spoken with earlier, realizing she had put me at ease by striking me as particularly sensitive and savvy. She had articulated exactly what I had been feeling and had painted a picture of the necessary steps I must take to advance and get to a healthier place. I hired her because I had decided at that juncture there was no turning back, my life depended on it.

Finding the Right Support System

To this day, I recognize this decision was my turning point. My divorce coach (sometimes slowly, sometimes with a fire lit under my butt) helped me stand up for myself and to make the right choices going forward (practically, legally, and emotionally).  I felt like she was not only supporting me but also helping me save my child. The fact of the matter is, whether you’re wondering how to divorce a nice guy, or you are considering leaving an abusive marriage, like the one I was in, sometimes you don’t know when it’s time to act or if you have to power to do so, or even the right.

Even though I had reached a point when I knew I had to do something, I didn’t know what that first thing should be because everything seemed so darn overwhelming. My coach helped me reconnect to myself and my sense of worthiness.  She gave me strength. But she also slowed me down and showed me how everything cannot be done at once. For example, she told me explicitly what I must ask a divorce attorney and how to present my marriage story so I could get the best legal answers. And once I was legally educated she helped me build my strategy on how I would divorce and what I would say to my spouse. 

And she always reminded me, it was me who could do this. She’d done it herself, and now, as my mentor, she was also my seasoned ally.

I learned I might have been able to do it by myself.  But I had also spent too much of my life questioning whether I could pull it off.  My life became my own when I finally opened up to the right person. For me, finding that experienced person, a divorce coach, made all the difference to my life and that of my child.  Yes, I had well-meaning friends and family, but after a while, they didn’t know what to do with me. They’d never been in my shoes, and I had grown demoralized trying to explain myself.

Looking Back at That Lonely Marriage

I’d come a long way since I admitted to myself, “I am so depressed and lonely in my marriage, what can I do?”

Back in the darkness, when I started thinking about divorce, I hadn’t come up with a divorce checklist or known about divorce coaching. I was unsure when would be the right time to leave my husband, or once the divorce was made official, how to separate from my spouse while living together. But as I look back, I realize there was a part of me that had made up my mind about divorce. I just needed some support. Luckily, I discovered the power of a divorce coach who made me feel normal and who also showed me what my feet must do.

To go deeper, I think what kept me going when I often felt depressed and lonely in my marriage, the strength that had me never give up and to keep seeking answers  … was my resilience.  I look back and see there are many memories where my resilience was what kept me going. And I know today, that the more resilient you are, the more resilient you become.  And the better you can cope.

Cultivate Your Resilience

The other day I read an article that backs this up regarding resilience. It was written for the National Library of Medicine and called Divorce and Health: Current Trends and Future Directions. In it, the author talked about the pain couples and their families go through during divorce. He said that this caused a 23% higher mortality rate. But he had some good news, too. He said that “resilience is the most common response,” and that only “a small percentage of people (approximately 10% to 15%) struggle quite substantially”.

“Most people are psychologically resilient in the face of divorce,” he said, quoting a study where almost  72% of over 600 divorces had “a resilient outcome”.

So, it’s good to know that most of us are resilient and will cope with divorce. How will you cultivate yours? If you are struggling in a deadening marriage, how will you get back off the floor?

What Comes After

I don’t want to suggest that it’s all helium balloons and lollipops once you divorce.  You’ll need your resilience for the rest of your life. Because it’s common to be depressed right after the divorce is finalized, too. Although my Ex and I actually went out to dinner that night to talk it through, it was a difficult time. But what I found out is that divorced moms are kept so busy helping their little ones cope with a new living arrangement, new routines, and a different set of circumstances, they don’t have that much time to feel sorry for themselves.  Until they find themselves alone.

Of course, if no children are involved, it’s harder to accustom yourself to being alone after being part of a couple for so long.

Adjusting to Life After Divorce

As a divorced woman talking to you now, I need to share that the divorce recovery stage, that is the phase that marks your newborn independence, is a stage all to itself. And it’s uniquely yours. There is no manual on how it should look.

But chances are that after divorce, you will be in a great deal of flux for some time until you learn more about yourself and grieve the changes you’ve gone through.

For me, I had to grieve the fantasy that had kept me in that marriage for so long. But I never had that problem of feeling alone in my recovery. Despite having a four-year-old to look after, which certainly didn’t leave much time for depression, I felt strong – and liberated. The first thing I did when we moved into our new home was paint every room in my new house a different color. The houses I lived in when we were married had always been painted white.

I also started a ritual which I have kept up ever since.

I pamper myself with a nightly candlelit bubble bath. This is my way of celebrating my freedom, spoiling myself, and reminding myself that I am no longer in a situation where my every move is controlled. I now had the opportunity to do what I wanted. Every night, I was free to laze in that bath with a scented candle for as long as I wished.

That was my way of practicing self-care and making myself happy. If you feel isolated or disconnected, find your way to feel free, whatever that may be.

The Pain Won’t Last

I’ve always done one thing when life isn’t going my way – I turn things around. I literally stand in a spot and turn around counter-clockwise, telling myself while I do this that this will help me heal.

I physically turn things around.

Why not try doing this? Don’t look at the end of your marriage as an ending. Instead, consider this a fresh rewind, a time to start anew. Start, like I did, with finding your support person and then a new environment or new routine. Choose what will make you happy and feel good – it doesn’t have to be a bubble bath. You’ll find it’s hard to feel sad when you’re doing something you love.

Conclusion

I’ve shown you my way of turning things around. Now it’s up to you. I found that getting the right support was empowering and that shifting my mindset from a negative place to a positive one reminded me that there was so much to look forward to. It took time and effort. Yes, it was hard work! But eventually, I began to believe in myself, my fresh start, a world where I could make my own choices. I promise you – if you keep it up, you will find you will heal after the pain and loneliness. You do have a choice.

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com

 

Divorce coaches since 2012, SAS for Women has been entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusion afterward. 

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”