Is a Hall Pass in Marriage Better than Divorce?

Once upon a time, marriage used to come with a clear set of rules. For the most part, society believed that marriage symbolized fidelity, commitment, and being exclusive to your partner. Today, many couples are beginning to quietly redefine what those rules really mean. You remember in elementary school when you would ask for a hall pass to go to the library or the bathroom during class? Well, guess what? Apparently, there is now a hall pass available for adults in marriage!

If you haven’t heard about this concept of a hall pass in marriage, it’s one of the more controversial arrangements that is increasingly gaining attention in many circles. This is a negotiated agreement between spouses that temporarily suspends the rules of monogamy and allows one or both partners to be intimate outside of the marriage with no ramifications (or so they say). Some women are asking, is a hall pass in marriage a realistic compromise in modern relationships, or simply a way of avoiding deeper problems and issues? 

No one is here to judge or endorse this modern concept, but this is more of an exploration of whether or not it’s better than divorce, or if you should divorce?

Some women may be asking themselves, is it easier to accept a hall pass or to end the marriage altogether?

Let’s be real, in this day and age, divorce is definitely not a cake walk – emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually. Some women are opting for another alternative that falls somewhere in the middle.

But weren’t we told that the middle can often be messy?

What Is a Hall Pass in Marriage?

A hall pass in marriage allows one or both partners to engage in other romantic and intimate encounters outside of the marriage, with certain conditions. Sounds crazy, right? After all, isn’t that the reason people get married in the first place?

Ironically, to some, it does not sound crazy. According to Psychology Today, 4% of couples engage in this type of behavior. These hall passes can vary widely from a one-time affair to a continual ongoing agreement – it depends on the couple. You could have emotional boundaries or physical boundaries – it depends on each marriage’s unique situation.

I remember when people used to joke about these kinds of marriages, and now these arrangements are becoming more of a serious conversation for some people. The different viewpoints are on both sides of the spectrum. Some couples view a hall pass in marriage as being open, honest, and transparent with their spouse. Others see it as a complete breakdown of the sanctity of marriage.

Why Some Couples Consider a Hall Pass Instead of Divorce

If you’re wondering why couples would even consider this type of arrangement, then you may be lucky enough to be in a healthy, thriving marriage where this would never even be an option – no matter what circumstances you may face together. If you’re not, there are several reasons this thought has crossed some couples’ minds. They may be too afraid to divorce. They want to maintain stability within the family for the sake of the children and continue to live the lifestyle that they have grown accustomed to over the years. This option avoids the financial consequences of divorce and allows everyone to carry on as “normal.” They don’t have to relinquish their social status in their friend circles, and will most likely avoid the public upheaval that can happen with a challenging divorce.

These couples do not have to fear being alone as they step into their later years. Most importantly, they don’t have to disconnect from the shared history that they have created together. 

But are they simply choosing to wear rose-colored glasses that may otherwise be known as blinders to some?

So the question should be, is staying in an unhappy marriage with new rules really easier than simply rebuilding your life as a divorced couple … or divorced individuals?

Is Stability Really Enough?

Women will consider all of these practical considerations as they contemplate this concept of a hall pass in marriage. They will weigh their financial security, the possible custody battle for their children, their social standing, and whether they would have to give up the family home they’ve worked so hard to build over the years. It might sound shallow, but these are the things that cross women’s minds when they are thinking about divorce.

The deeper question remains – can a woman truly feel fulfilled while accepting this type of relationship that looks very different from the fairy tale marriage that she once imagined?

Are Women Truly Satisfied in This Type of Arrangement?

Some women will tell you that it’s the best thing they’ve ever done to save their marriage. They feel like they have more honesty, transparency, and openness in their relationship. They don’t risk discovering their spouse has been having an affair or stepped out of the marriage – they’ve pre-empted it by coming to an agreement on what their new marriage contract means. Not a few women have told me, especially, that they actually welcome the idea of no longer being physical with their spouse. They are “off the hook” for feeling inadequate, guilty, or disinterested.

The truth is, what works for one couple may be drastically different, or even offensive to another couple.

Other women report that they have lingering feelings of jealousy, insecurity, and wrestle with comparison to others. These couples experience deep emotional distance that seems too far apart to ever reconcile. If the marriage suffered infidelity before this new agreement, isn’t this concept simply advocating for the very thing that brought tension into the marriage earlier? What seems likely is that your relationship history will play a major role in whether or not this type of arrangement could ever work.

Is This Quietly Becoming the Reality of Many Modern Marriages?

Are expectations of marriage declining so rapidly that women feel this is the very best they can expect from an otherwise shaky relationship? Have couples stopped going the extra mile for each other and doing the hard work marriage requires? And are some women beginning to feel too worn down to leave unhealthy marriages? Do people now view marriage as some sort of monopoly game, and this hall pass is simply a “get out of jail free card”?

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For some, a hall pass in marriage may be just the “roll of the dice” they were looking for, while others might feel that granting a hall pass is the only way they can stay in their marriage. The reality is that marriage is not a game. Regardless of what side you may choose, we’re all still human. Emotions are real, relationships matter, and everyone can have different expectations and needs at different times in their lives.

So, are we redefining commitment in the modern day and age when we start to believe that a hall pass in marriage is the norm? Have we set the bar so low that people no longer expect fidelity in marriage, or that it can actually last forever in its original form? Are we so scared to be alone that we would rather settle for something less in order to just have some sort of a relationship? Are couples no longer willing to do the hard work to make a marriage thrive? Do we feel like marriage is now simply a fantasy, and no couple could ever truly achieve its ultimate intent?

Do You Repair Your Marriage or Release It?

A hall pass in marriage can often be a symptom of much deeper relationship struggles that a couple might not want to address. Couples should try to have honest conversations about their needs and expectations of the marriage, and how they do or do not feel emotionally fulfilled. The simple truth is that couples often face three different paths, and each couple must decide which road they will travel. Will they redefine marriage? Will they repair the marriage? Or will they end the marriage? Those are the hard questions that married couples must answer. If you feel like you might need some help answering those difficult questions, consider private one-on-one coaching to help you decide your next best step. What you want, need, and feel as a woman matters.

Conclusion

The bottom line is every marriage writes its own rules as the years pass – sort of like when you are playing Monopoly, and you can’t quite remember if you can auction your property to anyone when it’s your turn or if you need to own all of the Boardwalk properties before you can do so. Instead of pulling out the original instruction booklet, you decide to make up your own rules. The problem is, marriage is not a game – we all have feelings, and nobody wants to be played. 

So, the question remains: Is a hall pass in marriage better than a divorce? There is no universal answer – that is something you have to decide for yourself. The most important thing is that you are honest, self-aware, and respectful of your partner. You have to decide what kind of relationship aligns with your values, your morals, and your long-term well-being.

How society and culture define marriage may change over time, but clarity and integrity remain essential to any lasting partnership – so listen to yourself, your spouse, and choose wisely.

NOTES

This article was written by Lori Ann Feeley, who loves helping midlife Christian women find hope in the darkest corners of life & chase their dreams. She is a freelance writer, ghostwriter, adoption advocate, Certified Christian Life Coach, and Founder & CEO of Faith Revolution Creative. Connect with Lori Ann at loriann@faithrevolutioncreative.com.

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or “he.”