Is My Marriage Irretrievably Broken?

I didn’t wake up one day and know the end was near. It wasn’t like that at all. It was days and weeks and months of little pieces of sadness that stretched into longer periods—these became years, until eventually I faced the facts. My marriage was irretrievably broken. I was unable to fix it. The time had come to accept reality.

When I was commissioned to write this article by my Editor, I asked Google for the meaning of the words “irretrievably broken” and it returned with a definition from the Cambridge Dictionary, which said …

“In a way that is not possible to correct or is impossible to return to a previously existing situation or condition: irretrievably damaged or lost”.

I guess those words describe the feeling one gets when it finally dawns on you, or when you stop being in denial. There’s no going back. Your marriage is over.

When It Comes to Marriage, What is Irretrievably Broken?

I think each of us has to decide what irretrievably broken is when it comes to our marriage. Your definition may involve infidelity or lying, or a situation that has worn your patience so thin that you cannot rebound from it, and you’re incontrovertibly done. It’s clear as night and day.

Or only a part of you may be done.

Let’s face it: You might know rationally you should be done with this marriage, but another part of you, maybe emotionally, is addicted to the status quo or too afraid to move.  This is a dangerous but all too common place to be living (that is, merely surviving), thinking and overthinking when to leave your husband.

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If this is you, and it’s hard to say whether your relationship is “irretrievably broken” or not, we encourage you to break the cycle of over-analysis and do something that your body will thank you for. Schedule a free consultation with us, SAS for Women.  We’ll hear quickly what’s going on and suggest practical things to do and different ways to help yourself. So you keep moving toward a healthier place. (And no, none of the steps entail you necessarily getting divorced.)

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Factors Leading to an Irretrievably Broken Marriage

According to divorce statistics released in 2025, many of the following factors lead to irretrievably broken marriages. Ask yourself if you identify with any or find yourself reeling from one. Are things so bad that another part of you fantasizes about becoming a divorce statistic? (This writer did.)

• The United States has the sixth-highest divorce rate in the world.
• Every 36 seconds, a divorce happens in America. 
• According to the US Census Bureau, 41% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages, and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. 
• The two high-risk periods in a marriage are years 1-2 and 5 – 8.
• According to a recent government study, some of the main reasons for divorce are:
  • Lack of commitment: 75%
  • Infidelity or extramarital affairs: 59.6%
  • Too much conflict: 57.7%

When It Comes to the Law, What is Irretrievably Broken?

Of course, when it comes to the law, our legal system views “irretrievably broken” in a black and white way. A marriage that’s been judged “irretrievably broken” in legal terms is beyond repair, and at least one of you has decided that the marriage cannot be fixed. If this is the case, the court will accept that the marriage has broken down and that there is very little chance of reconciliation.

In the United States, we have no-fault divorce, generally referred to as a divorce based on an irretrievable breakdown or irreconcilable differences.  This means that one partner can divorce the other without having to prove that their partner did anything wrong. That’s completely different from the way we used to have to divorce through a fault-based divorce. In a fault divorce, whoever is filing for divorce has to show that the other partner did something to cause the divorce, perhaps through abuse or because of adultery.  Historically, fault-based divorce kept more women in unhealthy marriages. Check out those facts.

That’s not today.

If you are not happy in your marriage and decide to seek a divorce because you believe your marriage is irretrievably broken, you’ll want to be educated on the best way to handle your divorce process first.  Because you’ve probably never dealt with divorce law before, we urge you to schedule a legal consultation as a starting point to getting educated on your rights. Divorce laws change over time and vary from state to state. Don’t rely on the generalities of Google or the divorce experience of your girlfriend. Before you take any legal action or negotiate anything with your spouse, our divorce advice is to get informed.  If we are speaking to where you are today, please read our questions to ask a divorce attorney at a consultation.

Court Procedures for Irretrievably Broken Marriages

When you decide or both agree on the grounds for your divorce (your marriage is “irretrievably broken”) and you are also in agreement with (or can ultimately agree to) crucial issues like child custody and dividing possessions and property, you can have an uncontested divorce. This is where the two of you either directly or with the support of lawyers or through mediation, agree to all terms in the divorce agreement. An uncontested divorce would be much more affordable than a contested divorce and take less time. It is also far less stressful for all concerned.

If you cannot agree on terms, or one of you files an ‘at fault’ divorce, things escalate. The case may become a contested divorce, and the court will get involved. At this point, the divorce process takes on a life of its own. The court dictates meeting times and appearances. Lawyers log many more hours, which means higher legal fees. A judge will make the final decisions on your case.

You will want to avoid a contested divorce because of the costs on all fronts.

But there are times when a contested divorce cannot be avoided. To understand more, we recommend you read this article, “Is a Contested Divorce for You?”

Conclusion

They say that when you come to terms with something, it’s time to act. I remember my lawyer feigned shock when I came to him two years after “reconciling” with my Ex. This time, I was emphatic that the marriage was over. “Have you got a boyfriend?” he asked. I didn’t have anyone waiting in the wings. I’d had enough. I’d made up my mind. Our marriage was irretrievably broken. 

If this happens to you, you don’t have to be alone figuring out what to do next. Get educated and learn about your choices so you can choose wisely. A no-fault divorce may be one way out.

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa, with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com

 

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”