Should I Get a Divorce? A Self-Help Exercise

How long have you been considering the question, “Should I get a divorce?”

It could be a recent question. You might be shocked at yourself for daring to conjure it. Or it could be a question that keeps recurring — again and again inside your head (or, with your spouse). If it’s the latter, the question keeps resurfacing (no matter how hard you try to put the pain, anger, shame, or shock to bed), we recommend that you face its nagging persistence and move beyond just thinking about it.

We want you to do something.

But rest assured, dear Reader: We’re not suggesting you scream or whisper, “I want a divorce!”

As divorce coaches … and divorced women, we know the question of should I divorce is a deeply personal and overwhelming one. And rarely is the answer simple. But there are key things a woman like you must consider when making this life decision. There are key insights we want you to be aware of.

To support you, we’ve created a self-help exercise if you are in this difficult place of thinking about divorce. As we explore the exercise and its questions together, you’ll start to understand yourself better, and that there is a path forward.

But perhaps not the specific path you fear.

Understanding the Question: Should I Divorce?

First, it’s important to look at why the question is coming up. What is happening inside your marriage?

• Are you feeling emotionally ignored?
• Physically neglected? 
• Has trust been broken, perhaps through infidelity or lies? 
• Are you simply growing apart? 
• Is the division of labor not equal?
• Are there concerns about emotional, verbal, or physical abuse?
• Are there financial issues or financial infidelity?
• Health issues?
• Are addictions causing you to lose hope?
• Are there stressors or issues related to the children?

Looking at the source (or sources) of your uncertainty could be the first step in deciding if what you are perceiving is just inside your head (slim chance), or whether the marriage can be rehabilitated, or whether it has run its course.

It can be helpful to ask yourself:

• Am I unhappy most of the time?
• Do I feel heard and valued?
• Do we work as a team, or does it feel one-sided?
• Is there still love, or do we just coexist?

It would probably not surprise you (– you may know people like this, or maybe we’re talking about your situation to a tee), but some folks stay in their marriage out of fear, guilt, or pressure—from family, culture, or society—not because the relationship is still healthy. Beginning to slow down to hear your true feelings, not just the surface complaints or the messages you receive from the external world, can help bring direction and clarity.

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However, if you are a woman who is navigating a physically abusive situation, please stop reading here and instead, read this blog post on leaving an abusive marriage and the steps to take first.

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Starting to Listen to Yourself:  Your Running Log

How do you slow down to start to hear yourself?

In our divorce coaching practice, we often suggest clients begin by keeping a simple log of their “temperature” on the subject of wanting a divorce.

This is how it works: Each evening before going to bed, record the date and on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being your maximum commitment to divorce), how much you want it. Keep this log for one month, then total and average your daily number.

If Your Number is Below 5, You Still Have a Lot of Hope for the Marriage

The relationship is not in the “Emergency Zone”. If you are surprised by your number being so low, ask yourself, were there particular circumstances or patterns in your past that triggered your thoughts about divorce? Have they resolved themselves now? Should you stay vigilant and maintain this log? What can you and your spouse do to never take your marriage for granted?? How can you continue to grow and evolve as a couple? These are good questions to ask yourself … and your partner.

(For this blog post, we will focus our attention on those women whose numbers are higher, as seen below, and whose situations may be graver.)

If Your Number is 5, You are On the Fence:

This is a particularly painful place to hover, because you could go either way on the D Question. A part of you wants out, while another part of you wants to stay.  For women on the fence, we recommend that you do something to explore what is possible on each side of the fence, because whatever you have been doing in the relationship thus far has not resolved marital issues. Right? We’ll say more about this below.

If Your Number is 6 or Above, You are Over the Fence:

It’s important to explore your potential independence. This is an “Emergency Zone,” where your body, impacted by varying degrees of stress over time, needs you to get to a healthier place (*mentally, physically, and emotionally). Getting educated is what you owe yourself and what you owe your kids (if you have them). See more below.

For Those on the Fence

You are straddling the fence, stuck on the decision, and it’s uncomfortable. You need to move.

When we say it’s important to take action and explore each side of the fence, we are encouraging you to move beyond the question “Should I get a divorce?” and to take a step to explore what is possible within your marriage. And in a separate measure, explore what your independence might look like.

Exploring What’s Possible Within Your Marriage

Let’s say the left side of the fence is your marriage and all the hope you have for turning it around.  Ask yourself, what action step could you propose to your spouse that would have you commit to working on the relationship together — in a way you have never done before?

On this side of the fence, the proposal you create has to include your spouse!  Remind yourself: A marriage will never survive if it’s just one person doing the work to save it.

This proposal to your partner could mean suggesting that he and him do marital therapy or discernment counseling. And for lots of women, this is indeed the proposal they extend or beg of their spouse. Or, what they have proposed many times before.

Marital therapy or discernment counseling is not a panacea, but one or both approaches might give you a fighting chance to address the issues in your marriage with a professional, and potentially learn new ways of growing and supporting each other.  This would be a healthy action to take to see if there’s any hope left for the relationship.

Unfortunately, for many women, when they propose marital therapy, they are faced with a stone wall. Their spouse is just not willing.  He thinks the problems are all “on her.” And she should go work on herself with a therapist. Or, as one spouse told a client, “You go to therapy, and when you come home, you can tell me all about it.”

Working with a therapist is always a good idea.

But a marriage is a team sport and requires teamwork. If your spouse refuses to accept any responsibility or do any kind of work on the marriage, you’ve got your answer for now. Tell yourself you’ve made this overture to save the marriage by talking to him directly, and now, to be balanced and just with yourself, you are going to switch gears and give some attention to the right side of the fence.

Considering What Independence Could Look Like

Let’s not lose sight of your mission.  You are trying to learn whether you should get a divorce.

And you are beginning to realize that this may be a lonely experience trying to figure things out. It’s also becoming increasingly apparent: how can you make an informed decision about your marriage or divorce without knowing more about your possible independence?

For Those Over the Fence

You are on the right side of the fence facing your possible independence. You are leaning more toward divorce than staying, or your husband has refused to work on the marriage for now.

But caution: You may be “Over the Fence,” but you want to be careful of what you are doing here.

Ultimately, you want to decide about divorce from an educated place based on facts, not purely your emotions.

While your emotions are important, signaling how safe you feel, you are also a human being (not just a feeling deer in headlights). You need to move beyond how you feel.  It’s time to look at your black and white options for getting to a healthier place …

With your brain.

It’s your brain that has an important job right now. It must discover how you will take care of the kids (if you have them) and what your financial outcomes would be if you got divorced. Said another way …

You must find out about the economics of a divorce and whether you can survive and support your children.  

This question cannot be auto-answered by Artificial Intelligence (yet).

This work begins by getting specific legal information and feedback on your circumstances, and then how the marital money (and debt) would be impacted if you were to split, separate, or divorce.

This is especially critical for women, because the research tells us it is harder financially for women after divorce.

No one, but women especially, can afford to make this life decision from an emotional place. We need to protect our futures and learn what we are fairly and legally entitled to so we can make the smartest decisions for ourselves and our families.

To Get Started on Understanding What Is True for You, Here are Our Recommendations:

• Schedule a consultation with a divorce attorney in your state and county. Read this blog post for questions to ask a divorce attorney at a consultation.
• Meet with a financial advisor or a CDFA who can help you understand what the best financial transaction would be for you if you were to divorce or legally separate. Read our piece on smart moves for women, a financial consultation for a divorce.
• Bond with other women and join Annie’s Group, SAS for Women’s divorce coaching program dedicated to education and helping you create your healthiest divorce place (without being a doormat). Learn about Annie’s Group here, but please don’t meet with a lawyer or a CDFA yet. We want to prepare you to make the most of those meetings. (Plus, in Annie’s Group, anyway, you get a free meeting with a CDFA.)

Taking these action steps on the right side of the fence will NOT translate into your having an answer right away on whether you should get a divorce (but it might). More likely, it will increase your understanding of what is possible for you and what likely outcomes would be, allowing you to be wiser in your decision-making. You may also learn things that you can do today to improve your situation if you were to divorce.

What to Do After Getting Educated

Pat yourself on the back for doing more than just thinking about divorce. You put your body into action, finding out real answers. Metabolize what you’ve learned from the professionals and your hard work.

• Ask your brain, what does it think you must do?
• Ask your heart what it feels about your choices? (Don’t be surprised if there is a conflict between your brain and your heart. Still.)
• Thirdly, and perhaps most powerfully, if you are a mother, ask yourself what you would tell your kids to do 20 years from now if they were in your exact situation for a marriage?

Deciding is hard; we’re not saying this is easy. But by doing this exercise, you will have more critical data, and can make a wiser, safer, and less fear-led decision.

What If You Decide to Stay Married?

If you decide to go back to your spouse after getting educated, we guarantee it will feel good that you are making that decision from an informed and empowered place*, not a place of feeling ignorant or strictly hostage to your fears. You are making an educated decision.

Unable to Decide or Hovering Above the Fence?

If you are confused about where you are in your life and how to help yourself, you should be consulting with someone who can equip you with tools for understanding yourself. SAS for Women offers a free consultation, and we are sure there are other divorce professionals and therapists who do as well. Open yourself up to talking about it with the right people, people trained in the divorce recovery experience. You are not the first person to contemplate or have to face (an unwanted?) divorce, we promise you. And there is a path, no matter where you are.

Must-Knows About This Exercise

1. You will note that we do not say you are getting divorced.

We are advocating that you get educated on what your options are, and that’s it.  Why? Because we know that when you start to get black and white answers to your questions, many of which are embedded in fear, you start to look at your choices for your life differently.

You are more educated to make a savvy and healthy decision.

2. The above exercise, using a scale of 1-10, is just one way of starting to look at yourself.

There are other ways to understand yourself, too. The important thing is to do something different than what you have been doing … and to begin.

3. The 1-10 paradigm might suggest you must hit “10” to know you must divorce.  That’s not the case.

Rarely will you consistently hit 10, because the answer to your question of whether should you divorce is usually a reflection of your emotions in that moment, and our emotions ebb and flow by definition.  This is why we want to log how we feel over a course of time. We also need to record it because we women have a high pain tolerance – that is, we forget its intensity. (Many of us would never give birth a second time if we had total recall, if you know what I mean 😉)

4. In our divorce coaching work, we’ve learned the answer to the question of should you divorce often lies in the 6 -10 zone.

And for many women, it can be more of a tipping point, deciding than it is an absolute epiphany. Why? Because many women are natural-born caregivers, and we can never be 100 percent committed to a plan that’s going to cause pain for people around us, like a possible divorce.  What we must remind ourselves of is that there is pain happening now, and our job is to learn the best options for ending it. We need to get ourselves and our loved ones to a healthier place.

Conclusion

Even if you ultimately decide not to divorce, going through this exercise can bring clarity on where you are and what your range of choices is. As well, doing the work of getting educated on your life choices can bring much-needed relief that you are finally doing something about the question.

We’ll leave you with this: Asking “Should I get a divorce?” is not a sign of failure—it’s a sign of deep reflection and concern for your life and future. And it is not a decision to make in haste or anger. It deserves thought, support, and honesty. By looking at your feelings and then helping your brain and body take constructive action, you can help shift your current status quo and advance your understanding of what is possible. You deserve to know what else exists for you than staying in an unsatisfying, painful, or unfulfilling marriage.

NOTES

If you are thinking about divorce, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice not to do it alone.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to guide them through the emotional, financial, and practical experience of breaking up and reinventing.

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, smart steps, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”