Steps a Woman Should Take Before Divorce According to a Divorce Lawyer

If you are a woman contemplating divorce, it is important to be as prepared as possible before anyone files any paperwork in Court. This means familiarizing yourself with the law and acquiring knowledge about your family’s finances. As an experienced divorce attorney in New York, I have some practical suggestions you can apply regardless of which state you live in.

1. The Divorce Process is Often a Marathon and Not A Sprint – Treat it as Such!

First, you need to get your mental health, physical, and financial health in optimal (or at least functional) order. You need stamina because divorce is never a quick process. It takes longer than you would like even in “easy” and uncontested cases.

Pro Tip: Get a prenuptial agreement before you get married or a postnuptial agreement after you get married to narrow down financial issues and save costs in future legal fees. (Learn about postnuptial agreements by reading this piece, The Top 7 Things to Know About Post Nuptial Agreements”.)

2.  Take Care of Yourself

I am adding more to emphasize how important it is that you take care of you. If you are not mentally or physically well before the divorce process begins, it will be exponentially harder for you to focus and get through it. Make sure that you are eating healthy, staying hydrated, exercising, getting plenty of sleep, confiding in close friends or family who you can trust, and seek divorce coaching for additional emotional and tactical support. You need to be as mentally balanced and even-keeled to communicate effectively with your attorney and Soon-to-be-Ex, ask good questions, comprehend your legal options, and make pertinent decisions that will greatly impact you and your family’s short-term and long-term future.

The stakes are high, so you cannot afford to be emotionally unregulated or breaking down.

3. Get Educated on the Law in Your State by Meeting with a Divorce Attorney (Preferably in Your County)

PLEASE DO NOT RELY ON GOOGLE or AI to explain the law and how it applies to your life in particular. You need to get educated quickly on family and divorce law in your state. Too many people rely solely on Google, ChatGPT, and other forms of AI for divorce advice. This is dangerous. Some AI results yield accurate information, but not all.

ChatGPT has spit out fake divorce case law before. You simply cannot rely on it 100% for being accurate or to assess nuanced case scenarios.

An attorney who practices matrimonial law in your state can explain how child custody, visitation, maintenance, child support, and equitable distribution works better than any artificial intelligence chat box. Attorneys can also share a wealth of knowledge from their prior experience as it relates to judges or referees in the specific county where you reside. AI will not know the personality of the judge who you may appear before. Most attorneys can provide invaluable insights based on their prior experiences with similar facts or patterns as you possess. They also know how a judge would be likely to rule in your case. A lawyer can explain the nuances or “grey” areas in the law better than AI ever will. Information gathering is good, but never rely solely on the internet or AI for information. 

If you have friends who have been through the divorce process, they may also offer insights. But remember that just because something happened in your friend’s case does not mean it is an accurate blueprint for what may happen in your situation. All families and facts are different. You likely will not know all of the personal details of someone else’s divorce. And someone else’s divorce is just that, not yours.

Read “Questions to Ask a Divorce Attorney at a Consultation”.

4. Get Organized Now

The more knowledgeable and organized you are, the easier the process is for you and your attorney. Check out this divorce checklist for things to be doing right now. And know that the divorce process involves a lot of paperwork. Get organized by collating your checking, savings, credit card investment, and retirement account statements. You will also want to provide your lawyer with a copy of your lease agreement if you rent a house or a copy of your deed and a current mortgage statement if you own property. The more you know about your properties and personal finances, the better off you will be.

You will want to have account balances as of the date of your marriage whenever possible, because any funds before the marriage took place are considered pre-marital and not subject to equitable distribution.

Pro Tip: Most banks retain account statements for only seven years. Go back in time, look at your records, and try to determine what you had coming into the marriage.

Figure out your monthly expenses and cash flow. Slightly over-estimate your expenses to give yourself enough wiggle room in future negotiations. Determine your assets and debts. Figure out how you want your personal property assets divided and what the larger picture should be. (Ex: Do you want custody and your Ex to pay the maximum in monthly child support, or are you willing to each be responsible for child-related expenses when you each have the child and waive basic child support?) Chances are you’ve never thought about these things before and need context to understand your choices. This is another reason it’s good to be talking to a lawyer so the lawyer can help you learn what you don’t know and understand the differences and long-term playout of your choices.

Personally, I never encourage women to waive basic monthly child support payments unless they have a professional career, are very successful, and will be gaining significant assets in equitable distribution. Some states (like New York) do not let you completely waive child support, and a minimum payment of $25.00/month will still need to be paid.

You may not have access to your spouse’s financial information, but at least start gathering up whatever information you can. If you do not trust your spouse or do not fully know what their assets and debts consist of, make a list of every item that you can think of that your spouse may possess (brokerage accounts/shares in a company/business/restrictive stock units/intellectual property such as patents or copyrights, ownership interests/retirement accounts). Once a divorce begins officially, there is the “discovery process” where both parties must turn over financial records. If the other side refuses to comply, your attorney can subpoena those statements. In other words, your spouse will have to share his financials, the easy way … or the hard way.

Nothing is as fascinating as a detailed line-by-line analysis of a credit card statement! 

Newsflash: Many times, there are surprises when it comes to how your spouse has been spending money and where they have been spending their time. (Even the most well-informed women usually find out unexpected information during the discovery process.

5. Budget and Save for Divorce Legal Fees, Filing Fees, and Administrative Costs Ahead of Time

Unfortunately, divorce is not cheap, as freedom is costly. Before you begin the divorce process, you need to have some savings on hand to pay an attorney. If you decide to represent yourself, you will still need additional funds for filing fees in court and possibly for various appraisals and for the cost of potential experts. (Ex: You may need a real estate appraisal, pension appraisal, retirement appraisal, parenting coordinator, or mediators). Some attorneys may accept installment payment plans or if you cannot afford to pay, they may accept a guarantor to pay on your behalf. You can also try to negotiate for a reduced hourly rate. The lawyer may not agree, but you will never know if you do not try.

6. Toughen Up Because Nobody is Coming to Save You Other Than Yourself

I say that with as much love as possible, but now is the time to put on your big girl panties! Many female clients obsess about what their spouse wants and what he will say. It matters to an extent. But as a divorce attorney, I am far more interested in what you are legally entitled to and what you need. There is no way to predict what the other side is likely going to say and do. Let them do what they will. This dovetails into my next point about your potential reaction.

7. Be Strategic During the Divorce Process Because Not Every Email, Text, or Letter Needs to be Written or Responded To

You do not need to react to everything the other side does. If you have retained an attorney, that is a great way to waste legal fees quickly. No reaction and no response is a response. As tempting as it is to vent, sometimes there is greater power in not responding. When a response is necessary, stick to a business tone and professional response. (Anything you put in writing is discoverable and can be used against you later.)

NOTES

A zealous advocate for her clients, Meredith L. Singer is an experienced NYC divorce attorney who strives to keep legal representation affordable and accessible.

If you live in New York City or Brooklyn, schedule your legal consultation with Meredith by emailing her at meredithsingerlaw@gmail.com

You can also visit her website here.

 

If you are thinking about divorce, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice not to do it alone.

 Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to guide them through the emotional, financial, and practical experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

 

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, smart steps, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”