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Divorce coach can help you heal

How to Get Through a Divorce and Heal: The Surprising X Factor of a Divorce Coach

The idea that a divorce coach could help you figure out how to get through a divorce and also heal might surprise you.

You’re may have heard of the more practical aspects of working with a divorce coach, because coaches are particularly known for helping you understand and navigate the black and white steps of divorce. Often, those steps – those logistical parts — are easier for people to understand.

They seem more obvious.

For example, a good divorce coach will help you understand what your criteria is for really deciding if you should divorce or what your options are when it comes to finding the right legal process for you and your family. The right process is paramount for achieving the best outcome, one that will allow all of you to not only survive the process in one piece but to move on and rebuild afterward.

How to get through a divorce: the nuts and bolts

After helping you understand the different ways to divorce, and which may be the right approach for you (mediation? litigation? traditional approach? DIY?), your coach will help you find the right lawyer or mediator to consult or work with if that seems appropriate. A key piece your coach will help you with is making sure you ask the right questions when you get in front of a legal professional — based on your story and its unique factors. You’ll appreciate having somewhere to go after speaking with a lawyer, too—as you begin the process of metabolizing what the lawyer actually said; and then, developing your strategy for moving forward.

When it comes to the financial aspects of the divorce itself and your life post-divorce, your divorce coach can play a vital role.

“It’s a sad fact that even today many women aren’t especially financially literate,” says Trisha, a divorced mother living in Madison, Wisconsin with her three young boys. “Some of us have allowed our spouses to control the money while we focus our attention elsewhere. When we’re on our own, it all becomes so overwhelming—like we’re starting back at square one.”

It’s because of this that your divorce coach will be invaluable in helping you understand the impact your divorce will have on your finances – and this is different from the legal process ending your marriage.

A divorce coach will support you in making smart financial decisions that take into account your specific situation and particularly, your goals. She’ll also introduce you to exceptionally qualified and reliable financial experts should you need their expertise – during the divorce when it comes to understanding your financial negotiations, and importantly, for building your life as an independent woman.

“Your divorce coach will help you figure out how to make all the moving pieces of your daily life work together—a new living situation, a job, health insurance, child care. Even car maintenance!” says Trisha.

In other words, throughout the confusing, frustrating, and frightening process of divorce one of the critical roles your divorce coach will fill for you is being your “thinking partner.” She will be there with you every step of the way to help ensure that you understand the nitty-gritty details of how to get through the divorce strategically, economically and healthily. Armed with the right knowledge, you can make the best decisions for your future.

But how to get through a divorce and heal? That is another proposal.

A divorce coach can help you more than you realize . . .

Your divorce coach can help you do so much more than deal with the practical nuts and bolts of how to get through a divorce. She’ll help you understand the journey you’re on and the kind of healing that must take place to really recover from your divorce  This path of healing and recovery is very, very different from the logistical, legal, or financial paths that you must also take.

Each step of your divorce journey will evoke powerful and unfamiliar emotions

These negative emotions are often volatile and messy—they live outside the tidy boxes of logistics and documents. And at times, these emotions make us feel ashamed, like they are not normal. We are not “normal.”

“There might be times you hardly recognize yourself,” says Rebecca, who runs her own photography business in Brooklyn, New York. “A divorce coach can help you understand the value of these emotion and teach you how to release or rehabilitate them in a positive, healthy way instead of lashing out at your ‘was-band’.”

Your divorce coach will help you discover who you want to be during and after divorce

She will gently remind you of who you are and what you really want when the overwhelming emotional realities come crashing down on you. She will be your life-line helping you hold steady and connected to your truth along the way so that you don’t drown or wallow in negativity.

“I was so freaking hurt,” said Millie, a Los Angeles woman who had been married for 32 years before her husband asked for a divorce, “that I couldn’t get over my own victimhood, my rage and my incredible sense of betrayal. I look back and I see I needed those emotions at the time, to get through it all, to feel like I had been wronged, that he was the villain. I didn’t know what being whole again would feel like. I didn’t know what constituted ‘being healed.’ Working with a coach made me realize so much about myself — that I had a powerful journey to complete, to feel restored, to move on! I am sure I saved time having an incredible guide. Hell, I may have saved my life.”

Forgiveness is another important part of the divorce journey. Unfortunately, forgiveness is also a very misunderstood act. Your divorce coach can help you realize what forgiveness really is. She can also help you decide who in your life deserves your forgiveness, so you can move on without being haunted by the past.

Experiencing and moving through grief is another part of the divorce healing journey

There are so many things to grieve when one chapter of your life ends—and it may not be grieving the absence of your Ex. Your coach can help you understand what grief is and how to identify and process each and every facet of its confusion. To free yourself from the grasp of what was and could have been, you must embrace a new future for your family and yourself.

One of the key components of healing from divorce is compassion. Ultimately, it’s what will allow you to rise above the strife of this huge life change. With that said, compassion is almost impossible to embrace on your own when you’re in the throes of turmoil.

Luckily, your coach knows the redemptive power of compassion. She will share her skills with you and teach you how to see your world with a compassionate perspective — starting with yourself. This skill will serve you again and again as you face other challenges in your future.

You cannot fully recover from divorce without compassion.

Because your coach will assist you in discovering who you want to be after your divorce is over, she’ll also help you identify the opportunities that are unfolding as a result of this huge life change. Sometimes those opportunities disguise themselves as problems. But with her guidance, your divorce coach will help you see what she sees as being possible for you.

For the right person, a divorce coach can be one of the best sources of complete support you can have as you figure out how to get through one of the biggest, if not the biggest challenge of your life. She is someone who not only understands all the legal, logistical, and financial aspects of the dissolution of a marriage but will compassionately help you embrace your emotions and heal as you invest in yourself so that, moving forward healthily and wholly, you blossom. You become who you are meant to be.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

Working with a divorce coach ... the good and the bad

What You Need to Know About Working with a Divorce Coach (the Benefits … and the Downsides)

As you navigate through the thoughts of divorce, dealing with divorce, or recovering from divorce, a divorce coach might be your best source of comprehensive support. That’s because an experienced divorce coach knows divorce is not just a legal or financial dilemma.  It’s a whole life challenge that requires your making diverse but smart decision—and not just for you, but for your family and your future.

No matter where you are on your journey, there are two things your divorce coach will consistently do for you. She will help you understand and cope with the wide range of emotions you’re experiencing, and she will help you answer the questions that are preventing you from moving forward.

A divorce coach will provide you with support tailored to your unique situation.

Thinking about divorce? A divorce coach can help you:

1. Gain clarity about your situation and your choices

Just because you’re thinking about divorce doesn’t mean getting a divorce is the best solution for you. Your divorce coach can help you understand what you must know about divorce so you find your way forward with integrity, so you can feel good about the decision you’ll ultimately make.

2. Understand your legal choices if you decide to divorce

One of the most confusing aspects of divorce is how to do it. What model of divorce do you choose? Mediation? DIY? Collaborative? Traditional litigation? Your circumstances and the feedback you receive from a coach can help you choose which model is best for you—and which models definitely aren’t. This saves you from embarking on the wrong and potentially costly path.

3. Evaluate your choices by providing you with unbiased and honest feedback

When you talk with your friends and family about your options, no matter how much they love you, chances are good that they’ll be biased because your decision could impact them or what they want for you. When you work with an experienced and knowledgeable divorce coach, you will have both a sounding board and a guide who isn’t concerned with how your decision might impact her.

4. Consider all the practical, financial, and legal challenges you may face regardless of your ultimate decision

Your divorce coach knows the challenges of putting a marriage back together again and of ending a marriage. With her knowledge and experience, she can guide you in defining your values and goals. She’ll encourage you to envision your future, so you can make your decision with a full picture of what lies ahead.

5. Connect you with the right people

You may need the services of a financial advisor, lawyer, mediator, accountant, or a parenting specialist. A divorce coach can attend those meetings with you, if necessary, or join you on phone calls as you gather the information you need to make your decision.

If you’re dealing with divorce, the benefits of working with a divorce coach include:

1. Helping you strategize the necessary steps (and when to take them) so you efficiently move through the divorce process and prepare for your life after divorce

With her knowledge and experience, your divorce coach will be able to help you step-by-step through the divorce process. She will help you consider your options—how they will impact you today and in the future. This saves time and money, so you don’t need to learn things the hard way.

2. Helping you deal with stress and navigate the overwhelming

You’ll experience so many different emotions because of this major life transition that at times you’ll find it difficult to think. Yet you still need to make decisions because the divorce process demands it. Your divorce coach will help you cope so you can make the best decisions possible for your family and your future.

3. Supporting you across every obstacle, challenge, and experience

As part of your divorce journey, you might experience sleeplessness, anxiety, fear, and anger. You might also be at a loss when it comes to looking for a new place to live, finding a job, or juggling the challenges of being a single parent. Your divorce coach will know exactly how to help you deal with every physical, emotional, and practical challenge you face as you’re dealing with your divorce.

4. Teaching you how to communicate effectively with your soon-to-be Ex

Despite the fact that you’re divorcing and emotions may be running high, you will still need to communicate with your former spouse. At a minimum, you’ll need to discuss coparenting and the division of property. Your divorce coach will share tools and tips with you to make the necessary discussions easier.

5. Connecting you with the right people

Financial advisors, lawyers, mediators, accountants, and parenting experts—since it can be overwhelming to keep track of all the details involved with getting divorced, your divorce coach can even accompany you to court and any meetings with other experts on your team to take notes and provide support.

One of the best things you can do for yourself when you’re dealing with divorce is to have the right team of experts support you. Your divorce coach will advise you when and if you need to add additional experts to your team and how best to communicate with them.

If you’re recovering from divorce, working with a divorce coach can:

1. Help you deal with your grief about all that you’ve lost and all that will never be

There’s no doubt that you lose many things when you divorce—including your hopes and dreams for the future. It’s natural to grieve the losses. Your divorce coach will support you as you let go of the past.

2. Help you reboot and create your best life starting now

She will gently remind you of the reasons you divorced so you can focus on the present and your future instead of getting stuck in the past.

3. Help you see the lessons your marriage has taught you instead of allowing you to feel like a failure

Your divorce coach will help you find and focus on the lessons your marriage taught you, so you begin your recovery and healing … so  you can move forward and create your best next chapter.

4. Help you embrace your new freedom instead of fearing it

Divorce is a major life-changing event. Your divorce coach can help you frame your experiences as exciting challenges instead of terror- or anxiety-inducing ones.

5. Help you rediscover your true self

Compromises are part and parcel of marriage, and it’s easy to lose your true self as a result. Your divorce coach can help you revisit and define your personal values and goals, as well as envision and create your future.

Despite all these benefits, working with a divorce coach isn’t always a good idea.

What are the downsides to working with a divorce coach?

1. You will need to take action to overcome the obstacles and challenges you face

Many people just want a sounding board to vent their emotions and thoughts to because doing so makes them feel placated. The problem is these people don’t actually want to do anything besides talk. If this is you, working with a divorce coach isn’t a good idea.

2. Working with a coach can make the conversation about divorce “too real”

Meeting with a divorce coach does not mean you are necessarily divorcing: you are getting educated about your options. But as you learn more, you gain clarity, which may compel you to take action. If you don’t want to change your life, then working with a divorce coach isn’t a good idea.

3. You will need to do your research and select an experienced and knowledgeable divorce coach

Not everyone is a good divorce coach. You want a coach who is certified and experienced—possibly even specialized. (Everyone who has been through a divorce thinks she’d make a good coach, and that’s simply not true.)

4. You will receive good and bad feedback

If you are intimidated by feedback of any kind, a divorce coach may not be for you.

5. You will hear the truth—not just your version of it

If you don’t want to hear the truth, then you don’t want to work with a coach.

6. You will have to make your own decisions

If you’d like someone else to make decisions for you, working with a divorce coach is not right for you. A divorce coach’s job is to help empower you, so you become the best decision maker possible.

7. You will have her, and potentially a team, available to support you throughout your divorce journey

If you believe you can and should handle everything on your own, then you shouldn’t work with a coach.

A relatively new profession, the role a divorce coach plays is not widely understood in our culture. But her relevance as a “thinking partner” and guide through the challenges of divorce is making divorce coaches increasingly indispensable as you navigate through a journey fraught with complexity.

And yet, a divorce coach is not for everyone. If you’re ready to face your situation and your possible divorce journey now, with integrity and an eye toward minimizing the impact on everyone, choosing to work with a divorce coach is the best decision you can make.

 

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.
Women starting over after divorce

5 Simple Tips for Women Starting Over After Divorce

Marriage should be a mutually beneficial arrangement for two people. Love, of course, matters, but historically, women had finances and their future stability to consider when choosing a husband. And over the past hundred years, our concept of marriage has changed—not just in America, but in many parts of the world. Today, women no longer marry to survive. Instead, independent women tie the knot for love and self-realization. But love and self-realization are also increasingly becoming reasons for getting a divorce.

According to a recent study conducted by WP Diamonds, one in ten marriages ends due to a lack of freedom. Once divorced, this newly-won freedom can seem a little frightening to even the most independent women. The important thing is to stay focused on your goals and assert your wishes. Starting over after divorce is about taking control of your new life.

Fight for your dreams, and take control of your life

Maintain a positive outlook, and when all else fails, remember that independence doesn’t mean never asking for help. Realize how much other people value you—your colleagues, friends, and family. Allow your positive thoughts to fuel you and help you build up your inner strength. If you need more support during this difficult time, you should get that support. Your real friends and family will stand by you through hard times. Talk to your friends, other divorced women, or a professional to get the divorce advice you need. In fact, one out of every four people going through a divorce would consider seeking professional help from a therapist.

And that’s good. For if there was ever a time one should turn to experts, it’s during the life crisis of divorce. Those same people who’d “consider a therapist” might benefit from learning about the steps resulting from working with a coach. For at some point, you want to stop talking about your situation and DO something that is appropriate for your circumstances. And without regret.  Appropriate action lessens anxiety and can relieve stress.

Independent women know this. We know how to make the best out of what life gives us, to speak up, and to take control — all of which takes a certain boldness and action. This also means taking control of our mental wellbeing and making decisions that are in our best interest.

Stand up for your rights, and carefully think about your next steps

Parting with someone close to you can be an emotional and painful process. Making rational decisions during this time is difficult but essential. If you can do so now, your future will be more stable—both emotionally and financially. Many women find it helpful to create a plan to follow during and after the divorce so they don’t lose track of what is important. As a divorced woman, you have rights. Create a checklist of your next steps. Here are a few examples of tasks you can add to your checklist:

  • Seek professional, emotional divorce advice
  • Find a good financial advisor
  • Ensure your children understand the changes they’re experiencing

It is not always easy, but it is ever so important to be honest with your children and to talk to them about what is going on. Your intention might be to protect them, but this is a hard time for them as well. Now more than ever, they need to know that they are loved and that they don’t need to choose one parent over the other.

Not sure what steps you need to take? Here are some more tips for newly-divorced independent women.

Be yourself, and gather your strength for the future

In all stages of life, you should remain true to yourself and follow your own path. This is also very important when it comes to starting over after divorce. Remember: You are not just a wife or a mother. You will always be, first and foremost, you—an individual, an independent woman. You can decide for yourself where to go, what to do, and which values you cherish after divorce.

Sometimes the stress of going through a divorce can bring out our ugly sides, and a person can turn to intimidation and other forms of manipulation to get what they want or to spite their Ex. If you remain fair and refuse to fall into this trap, you will increase your chances of coming out the other side a much more positive and emotionally stable woman. Stay true to yourself and surround yourself with people who are important to you—people who love and support you. Celebrate the good times rather than dwelling on the past.

Take these 46 steps to ensure your divorce recovery.

Be patient—starting over after divorce takes time

Deciding to divorce was likely a long process, after all. The decision to part ways with the person who was once your other half is not taken lightly. The wait for the divorce to finalize can also be excruciating. Depending on how long you were married, the prenuptial agreement, children, and many other factors, the divorce process can take several months or years. This is not always easy so when you hit a low moment picture your life after divorce and what it will feel like to be in control again. If your divorce has just finalized, know that once the dust has settled life after divorce will get better.

Your reward: your new life after divorce

Life goes on. As you contemplated divorce, filed the paperwork, and waited for your attorney to tell you it was finally over, daily tasks and responsibilities continued to pile up. Your job, your children, your home—each of them needs your attention. Divorce is rarely easy. You might have even asked yourself, “How will I move on after divorce?” The truth is that starting over after divorce will bring up a lot of emotions, but mostly, women feel like taking a great sigh of relief. Both before and throughout the divorce process, it can feel like you’re holding your breath. Are you ready to let it out? Your life as an independent, divorced woman is waiting for you.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “Divorce can be on your terms.“– SAS for Women.

learning how to hire a divorce lawyer

How to Hire A Divorce Lawyer (The Right One for You)

Whether you’re contemplating getting a divorce or ready to act, your first step is NOT to make any immediate decisions but to get educated on what the divorce process looks like and how to hire a divorce lawyer.

You have choices, and you need to understand what they are. Divorce laws can change quite a bit once you cross state lines, so the best place to start your research is a search engine like Google. Type in keywords like “divorce laws in [your state]” to learn how getting a divorce will affect your life. Spend time learning about different divorce models. Decide whether you’ll work with a mediator or an attorney, for instance. Ask yourself which model is right for you, your spouse, and your circumstances.

After you’ve done a little fieldwork, it’s time to meet with the experts.

Divorce isn’t as simple as understanding your rights. Divorce is a line drawn in the sand, and once you pass it, many aspects of your life that go beyond your marriage will change. So yes, learn all about your rights. Find out what you are entitled to. But then drill down further.

Let’s face it—when it comes to divorce, especially when children are involved, many women are most concerned about two things: money and custody. What custody decisions will I have to make? How will I support myself? How will I pay the bills, put food on the table, and be a good mom all at the same time? All on my own, no less? That’s where a financial advisor comes in. Or even better, a certified divorce financial analyst who will explain exactly what will happen to your money, assets, and—you guessed it—debt.

Again, divorce is not simply a legal or financial issue but a life-changing event that throws even your sense of identity off balance. It’s crucial to seek guidance from someone who can break everything down for you without losing focus of the big picture. Someone who will listen when you tell them where you want to be, and then point you in the right direction. But who do you turn to for this kind of guidance? Who is going to give you vetted and appropriate referrals based on your actual situation?

Hiring a divorce coach

Of course, we believe the best professional suited for this role is a divorce coach because they can teach you about divorce (like how to hire a divorce lawyer) but above all, how to get through divorce the healthiest way. A divorce coach can help you overcome the emotional challenges as well as the practical ones, and by doing so, they help you save money and time. Mistakes happen, but with a divorce coach, the chance of those mistakes occurring is significantly reduced.

Divorce coach or not, it is critical to have a guide—someone who knows there is an end in sight because they’ve been in your shoes. They’ve experienced the self-doubt and second-guessing, the isolation and fear. It’s even more critical this person understand the journey of a woman, as they’ll be the one who helps you navigate and set yourself up for your best life.

If reaching out to a divorce coach is a step you’re not quite ready for, reading these articles about contemplating divorce may help you answer the questions you have and learn what else you should consider before you even start figuring out how to hire a divorce lawyer.

Shopping around for a divorce lawyer

Now if you’re still with me, then you might be ready to take the leap. You may even be shopping around for an attorney (as you well should). But what should you be looking for? What questions should you ask? Below are a few tips.

  • Get vetted referrals and consider them carefully
  • Find out if the lawyer specializes in family law
  • Find out if they are a skilled negotiator
  • Ask if they know the other lawyer(s) involved and how established the relationship is (this will help with negotiations)
  • Ask yourself if there’s chemistry between you and any potential hire (this means understanding your issues and values—making sure you feel heard
  • Ensure your lawyer can explain your “best and worst case scenarios”
  • Find out if they settle often
  • Ensure you understand all costs (the retainer, hourly rate, and payment structure)
  • Consider asking a friend or family member along to take notes and give you feedback after any meetings

Hiring the right divorce attorney or mediator is no easy task. But remember: you owe it to yourself to find the right representation. Don’t be afraid to ask a lot of questions—just make sure they’re the right ones. And interview more than one professional (remember, it’s your right to shop around).

Be sure to read our article on what questions to ask a divorce attorney for more on how to hire a divorce lawyer, how to prepare for that meeting and how to pay your divorce..

And, of course, once you have hired a lawyer make sure you don’t make the mistake so many do of “misusing” her.

What else MUST you know about how to hire a divorce lawyer?

  • No one is ever really happy with her divorce lawyer because both parties always have to compromise
  • Try to settle out of court by putting your emotions aside and asking yourself if what’s upsetting you will still be important in ten years?
  • A good settlement is one in which neither client walks away entirely happy. Begin the process of managing your expectations, realizing what’s truly nonnegotiable, and understanding what all these decisions mean for setting up your next, better chapter of your life.

Whether you’re navigating the experience and aftermath of divorce, or recreating the life you want, one thing that makes a big difference for women is choosing not to do it alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to help them through this emotional and often times complicated experience. Learn how we can help you in a free, confidential consultation.

contemplating divorce can feel like you are spinning

Contemplating Divorce Can Keep You Spinning

Recently, when I was unpacking boxes and settling into my new house, I came across something that seemed to speak to me from a different lifetime.  It was my old journal, written years ago, during the months leading up to my decision to get divorced:

 “I feel as if I am living in the twilight zone. I’m sooo lonely, scared, trapped in this weird world where I don’t know what will happen next.

“I’m angry at him. I pity him.  I miss him. I love him.  I hate him.”

“I could make a choice. I could leave.  I could choose that.”

“Part of me wants to run far away. Part of me is scared and worried. How will the bills get paid? Do I need to protect myself? Part of me is sad. Sad that we have grown so far apart. Part of me feels guilty and part of me is just MAD.”

For months (maybe, if I am honest with myself, for years) I was spinning in circles. I was desperately unhappy and feeling torn, and scared.  I couldn’t get clarity or figure out what to do, or what I wanted. I was caught in a vicious cycle of “should I, or shouldn’t I?” like the clothes in a dryer, getting tossed, twisted up in a knot, and slammed again against the door. Even after I left, I still went round and round. I worried and wondered if I made the right decision. And I remember feeling physically awful too…my back ached constantly, I had unrelenting headaches and weird episodes of dizziness that would come and go. My confidence was at an all time low. Literally, ZERO. At one point I wrote in my journal, “Am I capable of that?” wondering if I would be able to pay the bills by myself, which seems so unbelievable to me now. Why didn’t I think I would be able to pay the bills? I’d done it before. How had I become so unsure of myself?

“Really, I’m stuck. What do I do?” 

“I’m half afraid that if I tell someone I want to get divorced, they’ll talk me out of it.” 

“I am GOING to leave!”

“My heart hurts.”

I know now that what I needed then was someone to open that door, to stop the spinning and help me get everything sorted out.  It is hard to acknowledge to yourself that something is wrong, let alone talk to anyone else about it. And it seems like once you tell someone you are thinking about getting a divorce and it’s no longer just in your thoughts, you have to actually do it. What you need is someone to be a witness to what’s happening to you in your head and in your heart.  You need someone to help you see things more clearly, to help you understand what you are going through, and to tell you what to do. And most importantly, you need someone to help you find your confidence again.

As divorce coaches, we know considering or even coping with divorce can keep you spinning. This feeling of repeat, repeat, and revisiting what you know and don’t know is a sure sign that on some level, you do know something is critically wrong.  We also know that you can stop — or at least, PAUSE — the spinning by making small changes.  Start by asking yourself, what do you most fundamentally need? What do you really want, deep down?  Write this down somewhere and look back at it regularly to keep it fresh in your mind. This is about getting and staying in touch with you.  Push PAUSE again and find a friend or professional whom you can trust and feel comfortable confiding in.  Talking with someone will help you process everything that’s going on in your head, heart and body.  Then, and only then, outside the wretched revolving dryer, will you be able to stop the spinning and start moving forward with your life.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the experience and aftermath of divorce, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone.  Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of Divorce. “A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.” ~ SAS for Women.

Considering divorce advice and fear

Divorce Advice: How to Get Over Paralyzing Fear

In this follow up article, excerpting highlights from her interview on Progressive Radio Network, SAS Cofounder and divorce coach Kimberly Mishkin offers divorce advice to women who are thinking about the frightening steps to divorce.

Why is divorce so scary? Each of us has our own unique set of fears, but for so many of us, it’s the time we feel that we’ve lost while being unhappy. Life’s too short, and we know that we will never get any of it back. We made choices, and they led us here, seeking out divorce advice online and looking for connection wherever we can. And while there’s solace in knowing you’re not alone, there’s a certain kind of pain in it too. You’re not special. Your grief, your loss—it is yours, yes, but is one that’s shared, too, by so many. Instead of resisting that pain, though, we recommend you lean into it.

The fact that you’re not the first person to experience this particular pain means that there are plenty of people you can turn to for divorce advice. There are smart, strong, and savvy shoulders out there for you to lean on. There are people who can help you face your fear, stop overthinking divorce, and take the leap.

Jack: How do you address it when people feel fear?  You can’t say, “Get over it.” So how do you balance the fear and getting people to take action?

Kimberly: Actually, we sometimes use the acronym, “ACT.”

A: Act

The first thing you need to do is get somebody to be your ADVISOR, a divorce coach or therapist, for instance. We recommend you talk to someone who is a professional, but if you can’t afford a coach, it could also be someone like an HR representative at work or the guidance counselor at your kid’s school (someone who has given people divorce advice before).

In the first stages of divorce, your attorney might be able to point you to other resources. But no matter what, you absolutely need an advisor. You need to talk about your divorce out loud. You need somebody to give you feedback. You need somebody to help you think it through. You need a professional with tried-and-true divorce advice you can trust on your side.

It’s just impossible to do it all in your head, all on your own.

Jack: You had an advisor?

Kimberly: I did. At first, I wasn’t telling anybody at work, and it was torture. I had compartmentalized to such a degree that I was a totally different person at work than I was on the weekends.

It was exhausting and the anxiety started to come out of my pores. I was getting injuries or I was getting sick every other day. The anxiety was literally eating me up inside until I had to reach out and get some help.

You need an advisor. You need somebody you can trust, somebody you know is genuine—who doesn’t have a personal stake in this, somebody who can be objective.

The second thing you need to do is COLLECT INFORMATION.

C: Collect Information

Start collecting information from anywhere you can. In New York, especially, there are a ton of free workshops, but there are also free online resources, downloadable pamphlets, and E-books. There’s a wealth of information and divorce advice out there—you just have to start looking for it.

Most people fear the unknown more than anything.

Deborah: Right.

Kimberly: So, the more you collect information and educate yourself, the more the fear will start to subside because you’ll understand what you’re looking at and what the realities are.

And the third thing is to TAKE STEPS.  Just take baby steps.

T: Take Steps

Start a journal. Get a bank account of your own. Change the locks if your spouse has moved out. Call a friend and make plans for once a week.

The key is to do something different—take one tiny step, which will lead to more steps that take you on a journey to divorce recovery. Once you get that momentum going, you will feel real change happening.

For more on this interview, read “Divorce Coaching: The Female Take” or listen to the complete interview here.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to support them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce.

SAS offers women 6 FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.” – SAS for Women 

Divorce Coaching: The Female Take

Divorce Coaching: The Female Take 

Read excerpts from SAS Cofounder and Divorce Coach Kimberly Mishkin’s interview on “Women’s Rights in the Workplace” (Progressive Radio Network, January 2015) as she discusses the ideas behind SAS for Women®, the specific needs women have facing divorce, and the unusual role of divorce coaching with PRN.com hosts Jack Tuckner and Deborah O’Rell.

To listen to the complete show, click here.

What’s different about divorce coaching at sas?

Jack Tuckner: Kim, are there any other professional practices in the country that do this type of work you are doing?

Kimberly Mishkin: Not exactly the way we’re doing it. There are a number of divorce coaches, but we consider ourselves {SAS} to be a hybrid model, unique — we’re not only coaching, but we also address all the practical and logistical matters that come along with divorce.

For example, somebody might come to us and she may need to sell her apartment, or she may need to go back to work — having been out of the workforce for a number of years — or she may need help locating an attorney she’s comfortable with, or help going through her finances. We spend time on all those practical things to help her move forward. At the same time, she’s broken emotionally, and that’s where our coaching component comes in.

We help women tap into their inner strength. Things have to be getting done of course, but at the same time they feel drained. And so we help fill them back up with strength to get them on the road to recovery.

Jack:  Do you bring a certain kind of encouragement to help women see the light at the end of the tunnel?  You help address all the issues?  

Kimberly: Yes, absolutely. We look at the whole woman. We look at about ten specific areas of her life … and then we start making a plan and creating a situation where there’s accountability as well. So we’ll say, “Call me when you’ve done that. Let’s talk next week about how you’ve done on your list of five things that you wanted to tackle since we last met.”

We create a bond with them. We are their partner but we’re not emotionally invested in it as, say, your mom might be, or your sister, or somebody who has a stake in it. We can be  more objective and create a path for them that will not only get things done and get them moving in a certain direction, but also we’re helping them look way ahead.

Most of the time they’ll come to us and they’re so overwhelmed with what the lawyer said, or what paperwork they have to fill out, or how their kids are going to handle this; all of those things are just swirling through their heads. So we help sort through it, but we’re also thinking ahead for them because we’ve come across that bridge and we know how great it feels to be back to that independent whole person.

We hold that beacon up and say, “We’re going to get you over here and don’t forget: we want to continue thinking about what your goals for five years from now are, not just getting you through this immediate crisis.”

Divorce coaching vs. therapy

Jack: What’s the distinction between that broken emotional person —  what you do as a certified coach and what perhaps a licensed social worker, or psychologist would do? What’s that line?

Kimberly: We often work with people who are in therapy at the same time that they’re working with a coach. I’m not a therapist nor I do I pretend to be, and if there are deeper issues going on; clinical depression perhaps … that’s not something we’re equipped to do.

Therapy is about looking back at your patterns and your life that has come before and understanding it. Coaching is all about what you’re going to do now and next. So we concentrate, we don’t try to diagnose. We try to say, “What’s going on? And what’s the very next thing you can do to move toward your goals?”

Why doesn’t SAS work with men?

Jack: Okay. So the gender issue. Hey, I was divorced a bunch of years ago. I was a mess. I’m a cry baby. I was the one who had to go to the shrink. I was the one who could have probably used your services and if I called you, you’d say, “Sorry. Girls only.” So why is that? 

Kimberly: …. I think the very genuine answer is that I’m a woman. I went through it as a woman and I know how that felt. And my partner Liza Caldwell … felt the same way, that we couldn’t speak to what the male experience was. So we started there. What we found since is that, I think we’re right, women deal with break ups and divorce very differently.

Jack: Why is there a male experience and a female experience in divorce coaching?

Kimberly: Well, I just think we’re built differently …. And I think that’s what we’re experiencing in our company. Women come to  us looking for connection, looking for advice, looking for the village, and so we are providing that to women. And I joke all the time that when I get to the point where our company is big enough and we can open a new division, we’ll hire a really smart divorced man to run our men’s wing, but it shouldn’t be me.

For more on this interview, read “Divorce Advice: How To Get Over the Paralyzing Fear” or listen to the complete interview here.

SAS helps women figure out how to start living again. Schedule your free consultation and walk away with a mini action plan. Even if you never speak with us again, you will know what next to do.