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How long does it take to get a divorce?

How Long Does it Take to Get a Divorce?

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Divorce is a process, not simply a stamp of finality. How long does it take to get a divorce? Well, that depends… on factors both within and outside your control.

You may want a divorce yesterday, but even the speediest dissolutions are at the mercy of your state’s divorce laws.

And, even if the court is ready to give you back your maiden name, you and your future ex could drag out the process.

When factoring in the time quotient for getting a divorce, it’s important to recognize and embrace the entire process.

Divorce isn’t a fast-food drive-thru window. There are stages leading up to it and stages coming out of it.

When asking “How long does it take to get a divorce?” you may have only the pragmatic, legal, sign-on-the-dotted line timeline in mind.

But the bigger picture of going through a divorce involves questions like “How long does it take to get OVER a divorce?”

That may sound irrelevant when all you want to do is have lawyers and courts—and your future Ex—out of your life. But recognizing the totality of the divorce process will help you make wiser choices in what you do and how you do it.

For example, even if the legal part of your divorce is relatively quick, you may feel as if your divorce takes years. From contemplation to grieving to making lifestyle adjustments, recovering, and healing, the entire process may take three to five years.

And what if you flounder in the contemplation stage, living in marital limbo without taking action?

Even if you find yourself paralyzed in your marriage, unable to move it forward and unwilling to leave, the clock still ticks. And not educating yourself on the process and truths of divorce can keep you in denial and prolong the inevitable.

When You’ve Decided to Proceed with Divorce

But let’s say your mind is made up and you’re determined to follow through with your divorce. Now you need to know how long those flaming hoops are going to take to jump through.

The primary determinants are your state or jurisdiction, your ability to come to agreeable terms with your spouse, and the judge’s schedule.

An uncontested divorce will always be facilitated more quickly than a contested divorce. So, even if you and your spouse could never agree during your marriage, divorce could be a good time to start.

The first thing you should do is familiarize yourself with your state’s divorce laws. Several factors may affect the timing and ease of your divorce, including:

If you have hired a lawyer to help you through the process, s/he will usually need a couple weeks to draw up the petition. And then your spouse will have anywhere from 20 to 60 days to respond after being served.

That means five to 10 weeks just to get the ball rolling, assuming you have met the time requirements mentioned above.

For Help, Turn to Mediators

So, how long does it take to get a divorce once you have filed and your spouse has responded?

Again, that depends.

If you have no children and relatively few (or at least uncomplicated) assets and little debt, you can potentially DIY it. Get the papers online, fill everything out, file, endure your state’s waiting period, and you’re done.

But, if you can’t agree on certain issues, you will need the help of professionals.

If your goal is to stay out of court, mediation can bridge the gap between the DIY divorce and a contested divorce. And it can be especially helpful if you have children or more complexity to your assets.

A mediator can be an attorney or even a therapist well-versed in the applicable laws. What’s important is his/her ability to help the two of you reach an agreeable solution to difficult areas such as custody.

Arbitration involves a third party who weighs both sides of the argument and decides on the settlement. While this approach keeps you out of court and waiting for a court date, it’s still a longer process than an uncontested or mediated divorce.

Finally, if your divorce is turning out to be too contentious for the above choices, there’s always court. And court means waiting for an available date in what may already be a backlogged schedule for the judge.

It also means attorney fees, court fees, and potentially drawn-out negotiations.

There’s the pre-trial. There’s the trial. There are the judge’s rulings that have to be written into court orders.

Then, if there is any disagreement with the rulings, there are appeals.

And, even after everything is agreed to and the judge signs off on your divorce, those rulings have to be carried out. Perhaps the house has to be sold or accounts have to be split or documents have to be changed.

And yes, that can mean months or even years.

You may want to do some research on the details of what happens if your divorce goes to court.

The Takeaway

If you’re starting to squirm and feel a little overwhelmed by all the possibilities, you’re not alone. Millions of women have been where you are, and each has her own story.

Leaning on women who have “been there” can be the best support for navigating this painful, unfamiliar process.

What’s the takeaway from this long answer to your question, “How long does it take to get a divorce”?

The most important realization is that you have more power than you may think you do.

You may feel challenged in exercising that power if your spouse chooses to make things difficult. But you always have the choice and the power to educate yourself and surround yourself with outstanding resources.

Ultimately, the time it takes for your divorce to be finalized will depend on you and your future Ex.

Can you bring the best, most composed, informed, prepared versions of yourselves to the table to advocate for everyone’s well-being and future?

If you can, your divorce will have to answer only to the timeline set forth by your state or jurisdiction.

And that means money and heartache spared… and a head start on your new life.

 

Since 2012 smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional and often times complicated experience of divorce. We invite you to learn what’s possible for you. Schedule you FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS. Whether you are coping with divorce or already navigating your life afterward, choose to acknowledge your vulnerability and choose to not go it alone.

 

Is Cheap Divorce worth it?

Is Exploring a Cheap Divorce in Your Best Interest?

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With divorce fees averaging a whopping $13,000 in the U.S., many couples tend to postpone their divorce until they are ready to fork up the cash for a good lawyer, or they stay trapped in a marriage, believing there is no way out. The truth is that the perfect time may never come. However, remaining in a failing marriage because you cannot afford to end it will only ensure your misery forever.

Luckily, more affordable divorce assistance from an online divorce company or other cheaper, divorce services may work for you. When should you use an online divorce service, and how do you make sure its safe and trustworthy? Every divorce is different and deserves careful consideration. Let’s take a look at some legitimate options suitable for your unique situation.

Would an online divorce company work for me?

There are 4 questions to consider:

  • Can I reach an agreement with my spouse on the division of property and debt?
  • Can I reach common ground on custody, child support, and alimony arrangements?
  • Are we ready to resolve all potential disputes amicably?
  • Do I know what I am entitled to by law as a woman in this marriage before I start signing anything?

If the answer to ANY of the first three questions is ‘no,’ an online service isn’t for you and it would be in your best interest to hire a lawyer. With #4, it’s SAS for Women’s (strongly urged) suggestion that regardless of how you think you might divorce (DIY, mediation, collaborative approach, or a more traditional approach) that you always have at least one private consultation with a lawyer (without your spouse in the room) to understand what the law would say you are entitled to and what your rights are, FIRST. If after learning this important information, you think you can advocate for yourself in conversation with your husband while using an online divorce company, then keep reading.

If the answer to all of these questions is ‘yes,’ your situation is more flexible:

  • Your marriage dissolution is uncontested, and hiring a lawyer is optional.
  • You can look into working with an online divorce company.

When you and your spouse are in full agreement on the details of the divorce, you can present your arrangement to a judge who will begin the process of the divorce judgement. The judge will likely approve your draft settlement as long as you are both satisfied with the agreement and it’s deemed fair. The judge will also ensure that it’s in compliance with divorce law in your state, and that you have considered the best interest of your children, if any.

When You Aren’t Able to Agree…

However, if you and your husband do not see eye to eye (you’re divorcing, after all), or you’re easily bullied because of the nature of your marital relationship, SAS for Women counsels you to schedule a consult with an attorney. Divorce lawyers do not just fill out the paperwork on your behalf: their job is to make sure you are protected and your rights and entitlements are ensured.

Another strategy is to consult with an attorney on the side as you attempt to do a DIY divorce. This could be an affordable and SMART way of doing a cheap divorce. See more about this below, or consider scheduling a free consultation with SAS for Women so we can hear more about your unique situation.

How to find the right divorce company for you

Before settling on a specific company, do the following:

  • Talk to people you know. If you feel comfortable asking your friends or colleagues who’ve been through a divorce if they have experience with online divorce services, see what insights they can offer. They might even be able to recommend a trusted company.
  • Read the reviews. Find a few companies by doing a simple search and see what their clients have to say. Be sure to check customer feedback on independent websites like Sitejabber, Trustpilot, or Yelp to find genuine reviews.
  • Prioritize the websites you trust. A good design and intuitive navigation mean that the company wants to make sure that customers will have a transparent process and ultimately a positive experience.
  • See what they offer. The services divorce companies offer vary, and some can help you if your case is contested. The key is to choose the one that has a good price-value ratio and will provide you with the required service package.
  • Review the guarantees. Knowing what deliverables to expect, how long the processes will take, and what the company’s plan of action is if they fail to meet your expectations will help you decide if the service is worth your time.

How to play it safe when using an online divorce company

Being skeptical about using online services to resolve legal issues, such as divorce, is natural. More so, questioning the reliability of any company you plan on using is a great way to protect yourself from potential losses. Here are a few things you can do to play it safe when ordering from a divorce company:

  • Talk to customer support. If there is none, that’s a bad sign. Ideally, someone should be able to assist you 24/7 and address any of your questions or concerns. Moreover, it is best when there are a few ways to contact the support team.
  • Check the privacy policy. In order to prepare your documents, a company will ask you to provide a lot of your personal information. Your SSN, driver’s license number, and other data are extremely sensitive and need to be treated as such. Therefore, make sure a company has decent protective measures in place to secure your private information.
  • Review the refund policy. It is crucial to understand when and how you can get your money back if something goes wrong. If a refund policy is vague, it leaves a lot of room for interpretation, which is code for “we try our hardest not to refund our customers.”
  • Look for hidden fees. While having extras to offer to the clients is absolutely fine, charging extra for services that were initially advertised as a part of a standard package is unacceptable.
  • Find out if they offer legal advice. If they do not have a legal license, that is a huge red flag. Make sure you verify their credentials first. Understand that divorce laws vary from state, and that again, best practice is for you to have a private consultation with a lawyer in your specific state before you start signing things.

Why use an online divorce service instead of other cheap alternatives?

If you want to save money, and you are the right candidate, a cheap divorce service is an option that trumps the alternatives. Other options include preparing your legal forms yourself or trying to find an inexpensive lawyer, or free or reduced fee legal services available in your town or state.

Searching for divorce forms on your own is obviously free. However, understanding how to find up-to-date and court-approved ones, picking those that suit your specific case, and filling them out correctly without having any legal knowledge takes a lot of time and patience.

Working with an online company, you are free to manage your time as you wish as you can access the website at any time. You will likely have to complete a simple questionnaire for the company to fill out your divorce paperwork and expect to pay a relatively minor flat fee. Depending on a service, you might get free filing instructions or request that a company representative files the forms for you for an extra charge.

Can I get help from a legal professional if I’m using an online service?

Of course! If you want to get professional legal assistance or advice and can afford it, it is a good idea. Some online services offer their own lawyers, but you can always choose to hire one on the side to avoid potential bias.

Overall, the more divorce-related aspects you and your Ex need to settle on, specifically those concerning joint finances, the better idea it is to get an attorney involved, even if you are willing to come to an agreement. Getting a lawyer would benefit you the most if:

  • You and your Ex jointly own real estate and other valuable property.
  • You have a share in the same business(es).
  • There are joint accounts (savings, checking, retirement, etc.).
  • You have underage children.
  • You and your spouse share debt.

While getting an attorney in an amicable divorce is optional, when you and your Ex are not in full agreement, it is a must. You may try mediation first though, as a mediator might help you resolve your disputes and simplify the divorce process for you. Making your case uncontested will not only give you a chance to opt out of lawyer’s services if you cannot afford them but also allow you to choose from a wider variety of cheap divorce services to get professional assistance from.

How much will I save by exploring cheap divorce options?

Getting help online rather than from an attorney will make a difference between paying “a thousand” and “thousands” of dollars. Considering the industry average, you may expect to save anywhere from $3,000 to $12,000. If you aren’t sure that exploring cheap divorce options is worth your time, think about your priorities. Note that you are not choosing between “simple yet expensive” (lawyers) and “complicated but affordable” (online companies). While the latter obviously takes a bit more effort, it is by no means hard to find a trustworthy service that will help you get a divorce. Therefore, it all comes down to how much money you want to save and how savvy you are in protecting your interests.

Surely enough, when you and your Ex are not in agreement, hiring an attorney is the best course of action. If you can reach agreement through mediation, you have a huge pool of cheap divorce options to choose from. Marriage dissolution shouldn’t be a luxury. While finding an online divorce company that suits your needs might take a little searching, it is in your best interests if you want to start the next chapter of your life without a huge burden of divorce fees hanging over your head.

 

Notes

Greg Semmit is a legal writer with years of experience working on Family Law topics. After winning a 2020 Law Scholarship from OnlineDivorcer, he joined the company’s writing and editing team to help spread knowledge about the best ways to approach the divorce process. In his free time, Greg assists his father with pro bono cases and roams the streets of New York with his Olympus making photos of the best spots in the city.

Since 2012, SAS for Women helps women face the considerable challenges involved in considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future.

Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

 

How much will my divorce cost me?

How Much Will My Divorce Cost Me, Financially & Emotionally?

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Losing your marriage is difficult enough. But add to it, your fears about the financial and emotional price tags, and you may feel paralyzed. You might try to simplify and ask a clear question, How much will my divorce cost me?  — a logical and pragmatic question to ask.  And then you hear that its answer isn’t so straightforward either.

It’s of little help to hear, “It all depends” when you’re searching for absolutes in the middle of chaos. But the cost of divorce really does depend… on a lot of things.

When it comes to the cost of the divorce itself, the biggest determining factor is what you and your ex-to-be can accomplish on your own.

If the two of you can agree on how you want your divorce to look, you can save both time and money on legal fees. 

That may sound like a tall order when “not agreeing on anything” is part of how you got here. But it’s not impossible, especially if you both value what the effort could save you in dollars and sanity.

An uncontested divorce is less complicated, less expensive, and less time-consuming than a contested divorce. Even if you use lawyers for a small part of your case—a process called limited scope representation—the savings can be substantial.

If you are beginning divorce, you’ll want to check out our “55 Must Do’s On Your Modern Divorce Checklist.”

All states have a fee for filing divorce papers. If you write and file your own, your fee could be as little as $70 and as high as $500. Some states will even waive the fee for filers with low income.

If you choose to go the DIY route, the person who files will have to serve the other spouse with divorce papers. If a private process server is used, that could add another $50.

One catch to an uncontested divorce is that it’s non-appealable. Given that the two of you came to your agreement on your own, this shouldn’t be a problem. 

So far, not so bad.

The more complex answer to “How much will my divorce cost me?” depends on the experts and the amount of time involved. And this is where a contested divorce can become quite costly.

If you and your ex-to-be can’t agree on one or more areas of your divorce arrangement, your divorce will be contested. 

And, if you can’t settle out of court, your divorce will have to go to trial. Your divorce terms will then be at the mercy of a judge. 

That means that, after all the money spent on legal fees, you still may not get what you want. The judge will decide what gets prioritized and how.

The average divorce takes 4 to 11 months. If a divorce has to go to trial, however, it could take over a year.

This is where forethought and unemotional planning can save you a lot of money and mental anguish. 

Time is money, and attorneys and courts round up, not down. 

The national average cost of divorce is about $15,000 per person. That includes legal fees, court costs, and the cost of hiring outside experts. (Even if you do a collaborative divorce, for example, you will have to build a team of experts. You will have your attorney, of course. But you will also have specialists like a financial advisor, a child custody expert, and maybe a therapist.)

How much will my divorce cost me when it’s all said and done? Well, that will depend, in part, on the following factors:

  • Is the divorce contested or uncontested? 

Even an uncontested divorce will cost, on average, $1,000 and up to $5,000 in attorney’s fees.

  • Does your attorney charge a retainer fee or by the hour? 

A retainer fee will include most of your legal and filing fees. It will also cover the cost of meeting and communicating with your lawyer and your lawyer showing up at court on your behalf. 

If your attorney charges by the hour, you’re looking at an average hourly rate of $150-250 in some areas of the country, and more in other regions. That rate can skyrocket depending on where you live and the complexity of your divorce. So make sure you ask the attorney you interview about their retainer and hourly fee. (Visit here for more smart questions to ask a lawyer during an initial interview.)

It’s important to remember that the legal profession rounds up when it charges by the hour. That 5-minute quickie phone call will be billed as at least 15 minutes. And 35 minutes of document review could be a full billable hour. 

So, regardless of whether your divorce is contested or uncontested, lawyers don’t give sympathy-vote coupons. 

Being organized and concise and having a well-thought-out and reviewed plan is essential to not throwing money away.

  • Where do you live? 

You will pay a lot more to get a divorce in California, for example, than you will in most other states. (But that’s true for everything in California. Why should divorce be any different?)

Be sure to educate yourself about the average costs of divorce by state.

  • Do you have children?

Custody can be complicated. If you and your spouse are contentious over this subject, the court may require an evaluation from a custody evaluator. That could add another $1,000-2,500, assuming you don’t hire a private evaluator.

Child support will also have to be decided on, and that will depend on incomes and visitation or custody arrangements.

  • Will there be alimony? 

Every state has its own guidelines regarding alimony. Texas, for example, has strict criteria for alimony eligibility. 

When you start asking, “How much will my divorce cost me?” you’re most likely thinking in terms of money and pragmatics. 

You may be searching for ways to pay for a divorce, and that could affect your decision to file if the divorce is your initiative.

You may be getting a grim picture of what divorce does to a woman in terms of finances and lifestyle. And that could make you fearful of stepping out on your own.

But there is another cost to divorce that often gets overlooked or pushed to the background during the tediousness of the divorce itself—and that’s the emotional cost.

For more on the economics and emotions that may come with your journey, read our “What Does a Gray Divorce Mean for You?”

Both men and women will go through the grief process as it relates to the loss of their marriage. But there are some emotional aspects that tend to be unique to women.

First of all, women file for divorce more often than men. If you count among that group, you have had a head start on your husband. And that difference has an impact.

Even if you have been miserable for years, nursing the idea of divorce over time gives you an emotional advantage.

By the time you inform your ex-to-be of your intentions, your brain has already made adjustments. It has silently grappled with past and pending losses, and you have maybe started to envision the future.

This doesn’t mean the consequences of your divorce will be easy. It simply means that there is a difference in emotional adjustment between the person who “knew” and the person who didn’t.

Working Through “Surprise” Divorce

If, on the other hand, you were on the “surprise” end of the divorce and don’t want it, your experience will be very different. 

The shock can open the floodgates to a wave of emotions—devastation, anger, fear, panic. You may even cling to your marriage or make promises and concessions that don’t honor yourself. 

While men are quicker to remarry after divorce, women are more likely to build and rely on a strong support network. They are also more likely to suffer financially and for a longer period of time.

Women also often struggle with their identity post-divorce. 

If they are mothers, they are now single mothers, and they’re likely living on limited income. 

They may have to start working outside the home and leaving their children in daycare. Feelings of guilt and sadness are only natural.

And now that their identity as wives has been annihilated, they have to reevaluate who they are in the context of love and relationships. 

On a positive note, the beauty that often emerges from this cocoon is a clear, confident, unshakeable love of self.

Women have a remarkable ability to reinvent themselves, even in the face of limited resources. And their willingness to reach out for help and support helps them create a sphere of influence with far-reaching benefits.

Perhaps, when the question “How much will my divorce cost me?” becomes paralyzing, you can benefit from a shift in perspective.

Ask yourself what your marriage is costing you and what your loss of life-force will be if you remain stuck.

The examination may lead you to a realization that there is still work left to do on your marriage.

It may also lead you to the realization that your work there is finished.

Notes

SAS women are those amazing ladies you meet who are entirely committed to navigating divorce — on their own terms. If you are considering or dealing with divorce, you are invited to experience SAS for Women firsthand and schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation. Whether you work further with us or not, we’ll help you understand your next, black-and-white steps for walking into your brave unknown — with compassion and integrity.

 

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”

credit: weheartit.com

How Much Does a Divorce Cost?

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How much does a divorce cost? is one of the first questions we often hear when a woman makes contact with us, while “how long will a divorce take?” is a close second. We wish there were a menu to refer you to, so you could evaluate your choices and pick and choose items à la carte. However, the correct, though immensely unsatisfying answer to both questions is, “It depends.”

That doesn’t mean you should stop investigating your options. It’s important for you to be educated on your choices so you learn what’s possible for your life. The following insights, shared by NYC divorce attorney Orrit Hershkovitz will help you get started on whether your divorce will cost a few thousand dollars or several hundreds of thousands, and whether it will take several months or several years.

So how much DOES a Divorce Cost?  That depends upon…

1. The process you select

There are various methods to dissolve a marriage. Mediation, in which a neutral professional (usually a lawyer or mental health professional) facilitates a resolution between the parties, is generally the most economical means of ending a marriage. Participants can be represented by counsel (their own lawyers) throughout the process. Another option is collaborative divorce, a process that requires both parties to agree in advance not to go to court, and to retain new counsel if they do. While these two models of divorce sound very appealing to most people (they sound amicable, they sound cheap) not all couples are suited to mediation or collaborative divorce, particularly if one spouse has not been, or will not be, given access to the financial information and documentation necessary to make an informed decision, or fears for his or her safety or the safety of his or her children. One or both individuals may also prefer not to negotiate directly with the other spouse.

To learn more about mediation and the collaborative law approach to divorce, we encourage you to take advantage of your free, 15-minute SAS for Women consultation (– provided you identify with being a woman). We’ll hear what’s going on in your story and give you direct feedback on what might be the better options for your situation.

Another choice for divorcing is the more traditional approach: hiring a lawyer to negotiate on your behalf.

Hiring a lawyer does not necessarily mean you and your spouse are headed to divorce court.

An agreement may be negotiated (as in an uncontested divorce), either directly or through counsel, without ever stepping foot in a courtroom. Litigation (or a contested divorce) though unavoidable in some instances, will often increase a couple’s costs.

In a contested divorce, court fees will be incurred. Such fees will include the cost of filing a divorce action and other paperwork required to obtain a divorce decree, and may include fees for making applications (or “motions”) to the court. In New York, for instance, the current filing fees to obtain a divorce amount to almost $400; the fee to make a motion is $45. Obviously, the longer the litigation continues, the more you can expect to pay for your (and possibly your spouse’s) attorney’s fees. Additional funds may be expended on the service of legal documents (e.g., summonses and subpoenas), transcripts, and the preparation of court orders (e.g., Qualified Domestic Relations Orders necessary to distribute certain retirement assets).

2. The number and complexity of the issues that are contested

Some divorces appear simple from the start. The parties, for instance, may have no children or no substantial assets or debts. Or a divorcing couple may have already discussed and agreed upon a resolution of all issues. Other cases are more complex. Not only may the parties not agree on the issues of parental decision-making and access, but they may also have assets that are not easily divisible (e.g., a work of art, a business), need to be valued (e.g., a house, stock options) or sold. But the nature of the issues themselves is only part of the equation.

Any acrimony between the parties can also delay the resolution of even the simplest issue.

By contrast, the parties’ willingness to compromise and cooperate can facilitate the resolution of even the most complex issue. Thus, as with your choice of process, you and your spouse can control the cost and length of your divorce by choosing whether, when, and how to conciliate in a dispute.

3. The lawyer you hire

The lawyer you select to represent you, and the lawyer your spouse may select to represent him or her, is another significant factor that will affect the length and cost of your divorce. The range of hourly fees charged by lawyers varies widely across the country. Even in large legal markets, hourly rates can range from approximately $250 to $750. Where a lawyer falls on that spectrum usually depends on his or her experience, reputation, and the size of his or her firm. The complexity of the case is more likely to affect a lawyer’s retainer fee, which is an advance payment intended to cover at least the lawyer’s initial work on the case.

Read this SAS post for 7 ways to pay for a divorce attorney.

Equally important as a lawyer’s fees is the fit between you and your lawyer. Your chemistry. You should not only be confident in your lawyer’s abilities, but also comfortable with how he or she is advancing your case. Do you feel protected? Understood? Is your lawyer prompt in responding to your calls and e-mails? If the answer to any of these questions is “no,” not only may your choice of lawyer affect the cost and time it takes for you to get divorced, but you may also be dissatisfied with the end result.

If this chemistry issue is starting to sound like a “relationship,” it is. As in any relationship – indeed, as in marriage itself – the compatibility between lawyer and client is critical. Choose wisely.

4. Where you live

How much a divorce will cost tends to correlate with the cost of living in a particular locale. Not only will legal (and especially attorneys’) fees be higher in areas in which it is more expensive to live, but you may also have to pay more child and spousal support. If you live in Los Angeles, Miami, New York City, or other major city, you can expect to pay more than someone living in Hope, Kentucky, for instance.

5. Whether you need experts

If there are substantial assets, you may need an expert to value a business or a pension, or appraise real property or personal property such as art, jewelry, or other collectibles. You may also want to consult with an accountant, financial advisor, or other experts for advice about the potential tax or financial implications of a proposed settlement. If custody is contested, the court may appoint a child custody evaluator to assist the court in making its determination. An attorney for the child or children may also be appointed.

In summary, the decisions that you and your spouse make, and how you conduct yourselves, in the divorce process can, at least to some extent, affect how long your divorce will take and how much it will cost.

Focus on the factors you can control.

Understanding and choosing a process and lawyer wisely as early as possible will help to control your financial and emotional costs. Consider making a free appointment with SAS for Women to learn your next steps, what process might be especially good for you, and for referrals to vetted legal professionals. Or make a list of your questions, your assets and debts, and make an appointment with a divorce attorney who can give you concrete feedback on your unique story.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its confusing afterward. Find out how by benefiting from our six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, and your future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

“Step forth. It’s okay if you fall. Life — your life — is calling you.” 

Orrit Hershkovitz, a partner at Barton LLP, represents individuals in all aspects of family and matrimonial law, including divorce, parental custody and access, child and spousal support, property distribution, relocation, enforcement, and the negotiation of pre-nuptial, post-nuptial, and separation agreements. In addition to her work representing private clients, Orrit is also an active supporter of Sanctuary for Families, a non-profit organization that provides comprehensive services to victims of domestic violence. 

 

 

Man and woman coping with divorce

Five Steps for Choosing the Right Divorce Mediator for You

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Choosing the right mediator is one of the most important decisions you’ll make during the divorce process. The right divorce mediator can save you money, shorten the painful divorce process, and empower you for life after divorce—all crucial factors in your healing process.

But knowing how to find the right mediator for your specific needs can be overwhelming. There are many options to choose from, and finding the right fit can be challenging. For those of you who feel ready to start this process, I’ve offered five key steps below to find the right divorce mediator for you.

1. Interview, Interview, Interview!

Many divorce mediators offer free or low-cost introductory calls or initial consultations. Take advantage of this! You should speak with as many (and I mean, as many) mediators as you need to feel comfortable enough to make your decision.

When talking with potential mediators, keep in mind that—since mediation is a voluntary process—your partner must also agree on the mediator. Depending on your partner’s perspective, it might make sense to start by asking them to help identify and interview mediators. I’ve found that this can be especially effective in cases where one partner is hesitant about using mediation. Involving your partner in identifying a mediator both demonstrates your desire to work together—easing some of your partner’s anxiety about mediation—and reduces the amount of time it takes to start having important discussions.

If you interview and choose your mediator on your own, most mediators will ask to briefly speak with your partner prior to meeting you both in person. This quick chat allows your partner the same opportunity to speak privately with the mediator, thereby addressing any actual or perceived bias that could arise from working with a mediator who speaks with only one partner before starting the process.

Additionally, when you do speak with mediators, you should do more than learn about their credentials—you should also study your ability to communicate with them. Since mediation requires that you be your own advocate, make sure that you’re comfortable expressing yourself to the mediator you choose. And remember that you’ll also have to share the intimate details of your life—the good, the bad, and the ugly!—with your mediator. Make sure you find a mediator you can trust with those details and whom you’ll feel comfortable with during sensitive, personal conversations.

2. The right kind of experience

Not all divorce mediators are attorneys. There are many types of mediators who work with divorcing couples. Therapists and financial advisors, for example, are often willing to serve as divorce mediators. Of course, there are advantages and disadvantages to working with each type of mediator. However—and, as an attorney, I’m probably biased—I encourage you to put attorney-mediators at the top of your list.

The reason is that attorney-mediators—and especially those with backgrounds in family law—know the relevant laws and can advise you on how they might affect your divorce process. Attorney-mediators can draft a binding agreement and prepare and file divorce papers at the end of the process. This will probably save you money, since a non-attorney mediator will usually have to create what’s known as a memorandum of understanding documenting your discussions so that an attorney can later draft a binding document.

Therefore, attorney-mediators offer a “one-stop-shop” that non-attorneys can’t provide. In my experience, couples get a great deal of comfort from knowing that, when the mediation is over, they won’t have to hire another professional to file papers before moving forward.

That said, most attorney-mediators will strongly encourage each of you to hire a review attorney to ensure that the agreement adequately protects your interests. This is an important part of the process, ensuring that your agreement reflects the understanding that you and your partner have reached together with the mediator. But don’t worry: most attorney-mediators can refer you to a mediation-friendly attorney who won’t derail your hard work. And you don’t have to pay the reviewing lawyer a retainer fee, but an hourly fee for the review work.

3. Does the divorce mediator understand family law?

Regardless of whether you select an attorney-mediator, make sure that your mediator knows family law. Although therapists, financial advisors, and other professionals who mediate generally can’t give you legal advice, they can still provide important information throughout the process.

Some states, including New York, require specific things to be present in your agreement for the court to accept it. Your mediator needs to know what those are and make sure that your agreement includes them.

4. How does the mediator approach the sessions?

Although every divorce mediator’s style is different, there are two general approaches mediators take: facilitative or evaluative. Facilitative mediators focus more on guiding discussions without providing input. Evaluative mediators are more directive, using their own professional experience to generate options, point out potential pitfalls, and offer opinions as to what a court would decide if a particular issue were in a judge’s hands.

Although many mediators use a combination of methods—sometimes taking the lead while knowing when to take the back seat—most mediators tend to lean more in one direction. You should reflect on your and your partner’s personalities and find a mediator with an approach that will be the most productive for your style of communication.

5. Trust your gut

Throughout this process, you will, if you haven’t already, receive lots of advice from well-meaning friends and family (whether you ask for it or not!). In my experience, some of this advice can be helpful for my clients—and some of it, well, not so much.

Thus, my final and most important tip when selecting your divorce mediator is to trust your own instincts to make the decision that is right for you. You, and no one else, are in the best position to decide who is best suited to your situation. And your comfort and confidence in your choice will contribute to a successful mediation that will help you move forward to the next stage of your life.

SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “Divorce can be on your terms.” – SAS For Women

Bryana Turner is a matrimonial attorney turned family law mediator. She believes divorce is hard but it doesn’t have to be war. After becoming dissatisfied and disheartened by the scars divorce litigation can leave on both the individual and the family, she founded Turner Divorce Mediation, P.C.—a practice dedicated to providing more amicable means to resolving family conflict.