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Finding ourselves after divorce

What Does Finding Ourselves After Divorce Mean & Is It Actually Possible?

The concept of “finding ourselves” crops up time and time again in life. When you’re a teenager getting to know yourself, when you’re exploring your tumultuous twenties (and possibly completely reevaluating that teenage version of yourself you invented), and later on in life, when you experience a life-changing event like divorce.

We are often told as divorcees that the end of our marriage is a good opportunity to really “find ourselves” and connect with our inner selves. But what is the intention behind this saying? Is it just a useless platitude meant to reassure us that there is a larger meaning to life, or is it a zen-like state of self-awareness that is actually achievable?

In this post, we’ll be taking a closer look at the idea of finding ourselves after divorce, asking ourselves what that really means, and discovering whether or not it’s even possible.

Being comfortable spending time with yourself

When you’re married, you spend a lot of your time as one half of a whole. That’s the thing about married life; whether you have been together for decades or just a few years, whether you have children together or not, your lives become intertwined. It can be hard to remember where one of you begins and the other ends. You start to ask yourself questions like, do I even like hiking or bowling or any of the other activities I once did as a couple, or do I just think I do because my husband does? Why do I keep putting off x, y, or z? Do I actually like the person I’ve become? When you are forced to see yourself through your own eyes instead of someone else’s, your entire perspective can shift.

As a divorced person, you go from being constantly with someone else—if not physically then at least consciously having to take that person and their thoughts and goals into consideration—to being on your own again. And this transition can be extremely difficult. After all, the person you once shared everything with is no longer there by your side. Add in all those questions cycling through your mind, and it can feel a bit like an identity crisis.

In this situation, it can be tempting to either hide away from society completely (thus becoming intensely lonely) or bury your problems by surrounding yourself with the hustle and bustle of everyday life—like white noise that drowns out any pain or loneliness you may be feeling. Some people throw themselves into crazy behaviors as a means of experiencing their new, wild freedom.

Instead of doing this, seek comfort from yourself and find it within. It’s so important to be comfortable spending time with yourself, whether it’s for the long term or if you end up in a new relationship. Regardless, you need to be happy living your own independent life with your wellbeing at the center of everything you do.

Go to the movies on your own; go out for dinner and relish in your table for one. Have fun and enjoy your own company. Run yourself a relaxing bath, pour yourself a glass of wine, and settle in with a good book. Start to view your time on your own as a luxury; don’t let it pass you by. There are hundreds of things you can do as a newly-divorced, independent woman. When we talk about finding ourselves after divorce, this is how we get there.

Being happy with every aspect of you—including your body

Finding yourself means being comfortable and confident in your own skin, feeling free and happy enough to do whatever you want to do.

Becoming content with every aspect of yourself—including your body—is a tricky thing to achieve if you’re going through or have gone through a divorce. If the reason for the breakdown of your marriage is infidelity on your Ex’s part, then it’s all too easy to feel like your body isn’t good enough. It’s not skinny enough or curvy enough or young enough.


Read How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Divorce? And 4 Signs You are on Your Way.


Or maybe it’s that you went into your marriage during a different time of your life. Back then, you were younger and your body looked different. Maybe it was before you had children. It’s no secret that childbirth changes our bodies, and many women struggle to deal with their postpartum body and find themselves beautiful again.

Embracing your mom figure and seeing the beauty in your body again can be tough, especially if you’re going through a divorce as well. Perhaps you’ve put on weight, or your mom tummy won’t go. Or maybe you’re self-conscious about your stretch marks.

Whatever your body hang-ups, underwear brand Knix is helping to challenge these self-hating thoughts and celebrate mom bodies with their inspiring Life After Birth Project. Partnering with online initiate The Empowered Birth Project and doula collective Carriage House Birth, Knix has launched a powerful visual project celebrating the strength and beauty of postpartum bodies.

As this project shows, finding happiness with your body isn’t about looking to the past and aiming to get back to the previous version of you: it’s about redefining yourself. Celebrate where you are now and what your body has achieved, whether that is growing and nursing healthy children, staying active and healthy, or carrying you through life’s challenges. You are fabulous and so is your body.

Making sense of your past

Making sense of our past is an important stepping stone to finding ourselves after divorce. It helps you to understand yourself, your behavior, and your actions more, which is what really helps us to define ourselves.

It’s not always easy to make sense of your past—especially if you’ve been sharing that past with your Ex and you are no longer together. Looking back at our history can be hurtful and challenging.

For many of us, we got into a relationship with our Ex (or Exes) at a completely different stage in our lives—and sometimes, very very young. Maybe too young, even. Perhaps this “forever” relationship papered over some cracks in your life that you haven’t thought about in a long, long time, such as your upbringing. Whatever happened in your past, now is a good time to make sense of it all. By doing so, you will start to understand yourself wholly and do the work that is deeply necessary for your divorce recovery.

This could be your own solo exploration of your past—perhaps writing a journal to become more self-aware or doing exercises involving looking back on your memories and previous life without anger or bitterness. You may even find fondness and gratitude, but if this is too hard, then at least try to find neutrality. The rest will come with time.

If you are struggling to make sense of your experiences and feelings from before, you might want to speak to someone. A kind and trustworthy friend or family member may help, but sometimes the most help we get comes from people removed from a situation—that perhaps don’t know you or your past that well—like a therapist. They will help you explore and make sense of your past safely, helping you find peace.

Recognizing your own power

Ultimately, finding yourself comes down to feeling fulfilled because you found the courage and the power within yourself to create the person you always knew you could be.

Think about what you want and who you really want to be, and recognize your own power to make this happen. You are in control of your life and your fate.

Sometimes, this means getting out of your comfort zone and trying new things. After all, if you’re going through the same old routine every day—going to the same job, eating the same food, and coming home to the same evening staying in and watching television—you’re never going to grow and challenge yourself.

Give yourself time and permission to try new things: take up a new hobby—something you’ve always wanted to do, like painting or dancing. Push yourself to meet new people. You’d be amazed at the new friends that come into your life when you’re going through a big change like a divorce. Of course, life is all about balance. By all means, be a thrill-seeker and experiment, but remember to be reliable for the sake of your family.

Putting yourself into new (and sometimes challenging) situations gives you a chance to grow, explore yourself, and most of all, have fun.

Life doesn’t stop just because you are divorced. Your new life begins—and it’s full of possibilities and excitement. Remember, you have the power, and recognizing this brings you a step closer to find yourself and finding fulfillment.

Finding ourselves after divorce means feeling content and fulfilled by the person we are and the life we lead. And the great news is that it is definitely possible.

In fact, it’s actually one of the positive side effects of going through something as huge and life-changing as a divorce. This is your chance to really connect with your inner self, recognize your power, and make changes to your life that will give you true happiness and confidence. Maybe finding ourselves after divorce isn’t so much about dusting off an old version of yourself or even inventing a new persona so much as having the courage to redefine your reality.

About the author: Kayleigh Alexandra is a writer, editor and influencer coordinator that regularly pens lifestyle advice for a range of inspirational brands and thought leaders around the world. Follow her work via Twitter @MentionMeio.

Whether you are considering a divorce, navigating it, or recovering from the challenging experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce.

SAS offers women 6, FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you and your future. Join our tribe now.

Divorced women on a boat

11 Truths Divorced Women Want You to Know

If you are thinking about or dealing with divorce, it’s human nature to want to hear things from other women who have survived it. We want to compare our experiences of hell, and we want to know how they did it, ultimately, how they, women like us, championed through it. Hearing their story creates a bond that pulls us in and lessens the magnitude of our own story and the depth of feeling so very alone.

As women who work with women dealing with divorce, we know this to be especially TRUE, and so whenever possible, we like to share some of the insightful gems we hear when women open up and talk about their experiences. There’s nothing like a smart woman for calling the issues out.

Here are eleven truths divorced women want you to know about and to be on the lookout for.

You can’t Google-solve your divorce

“When my marriage was breaking up and I was trying to survive,” says Kelly, an accomplished professional in her forties, “I tried to figure out everything using Google. But it became a rabbit hole! What helped me more was accepting that everything was in flux and not so easily solve-able. That divorce wasn’t just a document, or a financial readjustment, or things I could learn on the internet. It was a life shocker involving me to get really clear on who I wanted to be now that everything in my life had been chucked. Once I got that it helped me realize the journey, what divorce recovery is. I realized I would not be put together for a long time.”

It’s normal to be afraid

“Once I accepted it was normal to be afraid,” laughs Jessie, “it was freeing. Like it allowed me to relax a little. Being afraid doesn’t mean you can’t do it.”

Lonely is not the same as alone

“All my life—even probably causing me to marry,” admits Susan, a woman in her sixties, “I was afraid to be alone. And later it was definitely one of the things that kept me in a dysfunctional place—just being scared to be by myself. I was afraid I could not survive. But now I wake up by myself. I am alone, I realize being lonely is very different than being alone. Lonely means missing, feeling incomplete, wanting or feeling a lack of someone or something. Alone! Alone, I like being alone now and doing things I want to do. I don’t find myself or my life lacking.”

It’ll be normal for your kids to hate and judge you

“One of the hardest things for me was hearing my kids say what they said,” says Karen, a mother of three teens. “They really knew how to hurt me. Despite my efforts to do things healthily, I was human and at times I failed. And it’s clear I failed BIG TIME sometimes! But what I tell my friends now who are facing divorce is that your children will not always understand what’s going on—and neither will you all the time. But your kids don’t have the life span on this earth to understand. Until they do, they need your sympathy and support, not their shoulder to cry on.”

There’s a big difference between signing an agreement and healing your heart

“To help you stay organized,’ says Penny, a woman married for more than twenty-two years, “It can help if you think of the emotional journey through divorce like a roller coaster. And then outside the game park, your legal process. There’s a really big difference between the two, and it’s important to keep them separate. This means doing something for your emotions when you are triggered or upset or falling down. You got to find a safe place to go. Like my therapist was my godsend. And separately, you’ve got to look at the business transaction of the divorce and use a completely different part of your brain when you are making smart decisions there. Don’t lead with your emotions in the business transaction!”

Let go of “right” or “wrong”

“Stop trying to view your choices as right or wrong,” counsels Marcie. “The best decision making in divorce, is often not a question of what is right or wrong but what makes the most sense, what seems like the healthiest approach. Once you realize this, you become much more comfortable with the gray in life and a better problem-solver!”

There are great people waiting for you

An exciting, whole, new community of people are waiting for you. They understand what you’ve been through (they’ve got quite a few good stories of their own), but they don’t want you to stay wallowing there. They want you to step into your new chapter like them, and to keep learning, to keep living. Let’s start creating that life right now.

Stop listening to people who don’t know

There’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t want to date after divorce. Don’t listen to your well-meaning friends, family, or annoying neighbors who urge you to “get back out there” if it doesn’t appeal to you now or ever. You’ve got a million other things to think about, feel and enjoy.

Your best days are coming

“I am convinced the biggest most expansive moments, happen post-divorce,” says Jennifer who has moved to a new country. “I had no idea how finding out about me on a soulful level would automatically translate into my finding more and more situations that inspire me. I am not sure if it’s because one is more grateful or aware, but listening to who we are, becomes self-fulfilling!”

You will learn much more

You know how you feel tired these days? How you feel like an old dog who could not stand to learn anymore tricks? “Well, I’ve got news for you,” says Deshum. “As tired and baked as you might feel now, you can and you will still learn new things! It’s called adaption, and Charles Darwin knew it’s important for you to learn, change and adapt so you can stick around. So get excited because you’re going to learn to Tango!”

Love is there

“Some of us are hurt. We’re wounded,” shared Maria quietly. “We don’t know what to think of love, or if we will ever want a part of love again. I know I never thought I’d be in a relationship again. I just wasn’t interested. After my divorce, I was building my business, and working so hard. I honestly wasn’t interested even in dating…But then, love suddenly happened. Out of the blue! As if to remind me that love existed before my marriage, and during my marriage. And yes, it exists still…after divorce. Watch out, because love can find us.”

Change the course of your life — AFTER DIVORCE!

Paloma’s Group™: Learning the Art of Reinvention.

For newly independent women, post-divorce. Over the course of (only) 3 months, each live-coaching, online class ​builds on a core theme required to ​design a life you deserve. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to explore (and experience) how this remarkable group of post-divorce women will plan and act on creating a life they love.

We promise — whether you join us for Paloma or not  — you’ll walk away from your complimentary coaching-session discovering a next step in your unique After Divorce journey. 

“We choose not to do it alone.” ~ SAS for Women

 

*At SAS for Women, we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

How to reinvent your look after divorce

How to Reinvent Your Look After Divorce

It might be a cliché to reinvent your look after divorce, but that’s never stopped anyone before. Let’s face it—getting a divorce is a stressful time for most, but there are a few ways that you can get through it and boost your confidence. Sure, everyone has different circumstances. There are plenty of ways you can handle the emotions that come with and the stresses of a divorce, but no matter what, your goal should be to handle it all with dignity.

Having confidence in yourself is important to get through a divorce with a positive attitude and some fighting spirit.

Reassess your look

It’s common for women in a long-term relationship to “let things slide” when it comes to their wardrobe and overall look. We tend to fall back on comfortable clothing and casual wear. After all, being in a long-term relationship is supposed to be comfortable, and we don’t need to find a new partner because we already have one!

Following the break-up, during your divorce recovery, it is all too easy to get sucked into a negative mindset. We feel bruised and numb. The emotional upheaval is real. You probably won’t care what you look like for a while, but once you are over the worst of it, it’s time to reassess and decide where changes can be made in your wardrobe.

Take a long, hard look at your closet. Throw out all your dated clothing and unflattering sweatpants. It’s time to start looking like a hot, single again. (Or, at the very least, trying to!) There’s nothing stopping you—reinvent your look after divorce.

Being confident in your style

The key to being confident about how you look is to believe you are confident. One way to do that is to play the part. You will easily feel more confident if you leave the house each day having made an effort, so don a new bright lipstick, put on clothes that make you feel good, make an effort to do your hair—whatever it takes to feel strong and confident in yourself.

Many people feel more confident if they are dressed up, versus feeling sorry for themselves in pajamas and a baggy t-shirt. While being in your comfy clothes to lounge around the house is okay, don’t let it become a habit. Keep comfy clothes for bedtime. Make sure to get dressed and look smart for the business of the day.

If you don’t have anything in your wardrobe that makes you feel and look good, go out and buy yourself something that will. Right now, you are in control of your decisions, and you should do things for you. If buying a new handbag will make you feel more confident in yourself, then go ahead.

But rather than impulsive purchases, take the time to think about what you want, and purchase something that is going to be treasured by you. Online sites such as SSENSE have lots of luxury fashion items, such as Saint Laurent handbags, which could make a great investment piece.

If there are things you’ve always wanted to have but felt selfish in doing so, now is the time to be selfish. Do things for yourself, and treasure the independence and freedom you have right now. Like we said before, you’re in control. You can absolutely reinvent your look after divorce.

Now, that’s not to say you should go out and spend money recklessly, but you could make a day out of treating yourself and invite a close friend who always knows how to make you feel good. Spending time with the people who support you is also a great confidence booster, and any good friend will know how to be there for you, just as you would be there for them.

If shopping isn’t your thing, consider other steps to take solo and with friends—as long as you are enjoying yourself and spending quality time with the people you love—including yourself.

Curate a capsule wardrobe that flatters your shape

Whether you are ready to embark on a fitness program, taking up yoga to fight post-divorce depression, or not, it’s time to curate a capsule wardrobe that embodies the new you. Mix and match your looks for work, nights out with girlfriends, and eventually, dates. Pull together a series of different looks using timeless classics and up-to-the-minute fashion items.


Looking to move beyond your wardrobe? If you are newly divorced and wondering how to rebuild your life in 360 degrees, you want to know about Paloma’s Group our Life After Divorce Support Group.


It’s OK to buy some cheap fashion pieces, but if you want a more stylish look, invest in a few good quality classics like a blazer, designer white tee, and a good quality pair of jeans. Don’t forget about footwear and accessories too. These help you pull together a more cohesive look.

Finally, what is important to remember is that you will grow and learn from this experience. Things are going to be tough, and your life will seem incredibly difficult to deal with at times. But this post isn’t just about how to reinvent your look after divorce—it’s about taking one step closer toward changing your entire outlook. If you focus on yourself and the love and support of your close friends and family, eventually the pain will be something in the past.

Cultivating confidence in yourself to build a brighter new future will help you move forward, so keep going. You WILL eventually get to a place where you and more positive things reign.

Rosana Beechum is a young lady focusing on rediscovering her sexuality as a divorced mother of two. Whilst doing this, she is looking to share advice with fellow women in a similar situation emphasizing the importance of looking after yourself in terms of mind and body. 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

Tips for Women for Love and Health

Tips for Women Taking a Holistic Approach to Love and Health

When you hear about taking care of your health, your mind almost instantly goes to tips for women about eating well and exercising—about not “letting yourself go.” The reality is that there is more to people than their physical bodies and digestive systems. There is mental health wellness, like taking care of yourself emotionally and acknowledging that being sexual is both healthy and necessary, for instance.

To take a holistic approach to enhancing your health, all areas need to be addressed. Ensure that your love life isn’t neglected and give it as much care as you do your physical and mental well being. It can sometimes be difficult to determine where to start depending on where you are in life, but these tips for women should be a good jumping off point and hopefully get you motivated.

Learning and recognizing what your sexual needs are

Just as there are people who enjoy hitting the gym regularly, jogging every morning, or doing aerobics at home, everyone has different sexual needs. Human sexuality is intrinsic and natural. Whether you are single or in a committed relationship, you have to make your sexual needs a priority. Human sexuality is based on more than just physical satisfaction. There are elements such as intimacy, variety, and even expression.

Learning what exactly your sexual needs are can be hit or miss. But after divorce, it’s important to experiment and educate yourself so that you can fulfill your needs the same way you do in other aspects of your life.

Enhancing your love life

Besides accepting the fact that all humans have sexual urges and needs and that they’re natural, there’s also the fact that there’s nothing wrong with utilizing enhancements. There are many different items, supplies, and enhancements that can be used to improve your love life.

Even if you aren’t normally the adventurous type, trying out different types of sex toys and enhancements can really change and improve the way you feel about yourself. Some would describe the best strap-on sex toy as one that allows both people to feel satisfied. Wet for Her is a good company to check out if you are looking for sex-positive accessories and toys you can incorporate into your sex life. (Remember, experimentation is good—there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.)

Experimenting in the bedroom

You might have a set routine when it comes to intimacy. Things may begin, proceed, and end very similarly nearly every time. But routines can become habitual in a way that’s no longer exciting, and experimentation helps people have the best overall sexual health.

Now being sexually “adventurous” or even just being open to trying out new toys, positions, etc. isn’t something that you have to do all the time. In fact, many couples choose to experiment only on a semi-regular basis. When you find what works for you, it isn’t really necessary to reinvent the wheel. Instead try to think of experimenting in the bedroom as a much-welcome surprise that you get to endeavor in every once in a while.

Becoming empowered

At times, taking care of your health and love life can be difficult. Especially if your love life might be going through a rough patch. For most people, this can happen during a breakup or even after divorce. When you part ways with someone you have been in a relationship with for a very long time, your sexual health might be something that you put on the back burner.

It’s important during times of difficulty that you take the time to continue to explore your sexuality—empower yourself with it. While exploring you might discover things that benefit you that you were unaware of before. These are tips for women, specifically, because we don’t know often give ourselves permission to be completely selfish.

Just as you should exercise on a regular schedule and avoid eating unhealthily, your sexual health must be a priority. Take some time to be celibate and clear your mind if you’re single or getting over a break-up. If you’re in a relationship, be open to trying new things and listen to your partner’s suggestions.

At the same time, don’t be shy when it’s your turn to speak up. If there is something going on in the bedroom you want to talk about, make your thoughts known. Likewise, if you and your significant other have recently tried something new that you really enjoy, don’t hesitate to let him* know what makes you happy. As you continue on your divorce journey know that when you take a holistic approach to your health, a happy love life naturally follows.

Rosana Beechum is a young lady focusing on rediscovering her sexuality as a divorced mother of two. Whilst doing this, she is looking to share advice with fellow women in a similar situation emphasizing the importance of looking after yourself in terms of mind and body.  

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce and divorce recovery. Experience SAS firsthand. Schedule your FREE, 15-minute consultation to hear perspective, next steps and the best resources that will honor your life and who you are meant to be.

 

*At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

divorced women

What All Divorced Women Have in Common

Years ago, when I was still shell-shocked from learning of my husband’s infidelity and angry that I had become a divorced woman, I went out to dinner with two friends. Both were divorced women, so we had that in common. But one was talking easily about co-hosting her son’s graduation party with her Ex and his new wife—the woman he’d left her for.

She barely even rolled her eyes when she said his name!

I couldn’t believe it. “How can you stand to be in the same room with him?” I asked, thinking of my own Ex-husband and the knot of dread and anxiety I felt just seeing his name pop up on my phone.

“It’s been five years,” she said. “After a while, I stopped caring about the past. You’ll get there too.”

She said this casually, with so much assurance, that I felt I had to believe her. But how could I?

I couldn’t imagine a day when I could be civil to my Ex

And I considered this pretty normal. Certainly, my other girlfriends who were newly divorced weren’t planning parties with their Ex-husbands. Like me, their scars were too fresh. They were still reeling from divorce fallout that seemed unending: Sandy was constantly facing her Ex in court, while Roxanne’s Ex refused to see or speak to her for more than a year. Linda was grieving not just the loss of her husband but the loss of her best friend, with whom he had an affair. Katie, in her sixties, had given up her retirement plans and savings for her second husband only to be abandoned and forced to navigate the harsh realities of a grey divorce.

What I knew for sure was that my friends and I, and many women like us, had been thrust into situations we never asked for.

As divorced women, how could we stop caring about the past when the past wouldn’t leave us alone?

I gave this a lot of thought. And I kept hearing my friend’s confident voice saying, “You’ll get there too.”


For more suggestions on how to move forward, check out What to Do After Divorce: Your Top 15 Best Moves


Then a funny thing happened. The more I thought about the past, the more I began seeing it through a different lens. In the same way that I had never imagined getting a divorce, I’d never imagined doing other challenging things, like not getting permission from the judge before moving my children to a safer, less expensive apartment. Or buying my own car without consulting with my Ex. Or enrolling in a course to become an energy medicine practitioner. Or learning to say no (full stop!) when my Ex tried to control my life.

When I focused on all the strong, independent moves I made throughout my divorce, the past didn’t seem so suffocating. In fact, I saw that I actually came through my divorce with the best gift imaginable: I met the best version of myself.

And this has been true for my friends too. We have something wonderful in common.

Divorced women have a secret superpower; it’s the strength to rise again

Not all of us look wildly successful on the outside. All of us still face challenges and struggles, but we share an inner strength that we never knew existed.

Here’s what that strength looks like:

Sandy spent so much time in court that she connected with someone who offered her a job as the office manager of an all-female law firm.

The extended cold shoulder Roxanne got from her Ex gave her the space to meet an amazing new partner.

Linda kept loneliness at bay by focusing on her education and career. She earned a doctorate degree and became a department head at a Big Ten university.

Katie, like me, wrote an award-winning memoir about surviving divorce.

Now, when I meet someone going through a divorce, I want to be the one offering assurances. I want to share what my friends and I have learned. I want to take that baffled, disbelieving woman gently by the shoulders, look her in the eyes, and tell her to have faith.

Divorced women are the strongest women you’ll ever meet

A divorced woman knows that the best version of her has gone ahead and is pulling her forward.

A divorced woman has earned a seat at a table loaded with resilience, clarity, wisdom, and freedom. And yes, it’s the very same table where she may, one day, have dinner with her Ex and her Ex’s new wife.

And it will be no big deal. I promise.

Tammy Letherer is an author and writing coach. Her most recent book, The Buddha at My Table: How I Found Peace in Betrayal and Divorce, is a Gold Medal Winner in the Living Now Book Awards and in the Human Relations Indie Book Awards. It was also a finalist in the 2018 Best Book Awards and National Indie Excellence Awards. 


Change the course of your life — AFTER DIVORCE!

Paloma’s Group™: Learning the Art of Reinvention.

For newly independent women, post-divorce. Over the course of (only) 3 months, each live-coaching, online class ​builds on a core theme required to ​design a life you deserve. Schedule a FREE, 15-minute coaching session to explore (and experience) how this remarkable group of post-divorce women will plan and act on creating a life they love.

We promise — whether you join us for Paloma or not  — you’ll walk away from your complimentary coaching-session discovering a next step in your unique After Divorce journey. 

“We choose not to do it alone.” ~ SAS for Women

* At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

Women fighting post divorce depression with yoga

Benefits of Yoga in Fighting Post Divorce Depression

Post Divorce Depression is real, and it’s a bit different than the pain and other negative emotions stirred up during your divorce. Those emotions manifest differently for everybody—grief, anger, frustration, and anxiety are only some of the emotions at play during and after a divorce. Sometimes the feelings get so bad, you want to build a fire and burn your divorce records, but unfortunately, that won’t actually make any of this, your divorce itself or the version of you that’s left in the aftermath, disappear.

One of the worst byproducts of the end of a marriage (particularly when said ending is messy) is Post Divorce Depression (PDD), but most people don’t like to talk about it. Some women are excited to get out of a marriage that isn’t working anymore, or one that was especially nasty. But for other women, the divorce process having come to an end, they’re led to a new, darker place called Post Divorce Depression.

What is Post Divorce Depression?

PDD is similar to PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) in that the trigger (your Ex, in this case) may be gone, but the trauma and real-life pain remain. But while depression after a divorce is normal, it does not have to be the end of the world. If you’re familiar with the story of how a Phoenix rises from its ashes, then you get the idea.

Now is your chance to be reborn and start with a blank slate again. Yoga can be your new BFF and help you stamp out all the negativity in your life once and for all.

Exercise relieves stress and anxiety

Study after study has shown that exercise can help lower stress and anxiety levels in the body. Do you take regular walks or ride your bike to work? How do you feel afterwards? Chances are you feel energized and ready to conquer the world. Runners call this a “runner’s high,” and all it takes is some form of physical activity to feel it.

But what causes all this euphoria in the first place?

The short answer: Endorphins.

The long answer: The human body releases chemicals called endorphins during exercise. These endorphins play a role in how your brain perceives pain. There’s also a reason why endorphins rhyme with morphine. Both these chemicals trigger a positive feeling in the body, but only one of them is addictive. So think of endorphins as a natural sedative, mood enhancer, and pain reliever rolled into one. All you need now are regular installments of yoga to get all the euphoric benefits of endorphins.

How yoga helps with depression

Yoga can help with more than just the physical aspects of Post Divorce Depression. Sure, practicing yoga involves physical exertion that can release those feel-good chemicals that enhance your mood, but the ancient practice is about a lot more than that.

Here are some of the top reasons why yoga can help with Post Divorce Depression:

  • You’ll learn to be at peace with yourself. It takes mental clarity, focus, and inner peace to perform a yoga pose. Take one of these out of the equation while thinking about your Ex, and you’ll fail at truly moving on, guaranteed. With yoga, you’ll learn NOT to think about certain things anymore.
  • You’ll learn how to manage your anger. A lot of poses elicit feelings of anger and helplessness when you can’t do them. Yoga teaches you deep breathing techniques, allowing you to conquer these feelings.
  • You’ll be healthier. Yoga is equal parts body, mind, and spirit, but the physical part helps you get fit. If you want an activity that is gentle on your knees and can help with joint mobility, yoga is for you. Shed the old you and practice yoga!
  • You’ll combat your loneliness. Much of Post Divorce Depression has something to do with being alone. The camaraderie and friendship of a yoga class can counter feelings of loneliness. Yoga gives you a chance to get out of the house and meet new people.
    You’ll learn to face your fears. Slow yoga poses are fierce and force you to confront your fears of falling and failing. You’ll learn to get over these fears and trust in yourself again. Believing that you can do a crow pose and twist your body way beyond your perceived limits goes a long way in bringing you back from the brink.
  • You start to trust yourself again. It’s that simple. Trust is crucial as we move on after divorce.

Namaste

Getting a divorce can be the toughest thing in the world. But you shouldn’t let it dictate your life going forward—your divorce recovery is about you. Practicing yoga can help you reconnect to your body, your mind, and your spirit. And doing that can help you conquer Post Divorce Depression and feel normal again.

Emily Andrews is the marketing communications specialist at RecordsFinder, an online public records search company. Communications specialist by day and community volunteer at night, she believes in compassion and defending the defenseless.

 

Change the course of your life — AFTER DIVORCE!

Paloma’s Group™: Learning the Art of Reinvention.

For newly independent women, post-divorce. Over the course of (only) 3 months, each live-coaching, online class ​builds on a core theme required to ​design a life you deserve. Schedule a FREE, 15-minute coaching session to explore (and experience) how this remarkable group of post-divorce women will plan and act on creating a life they love.

We promise — whether you join us for Paloma or not  — you’ll walk away from your complimentary coaching-session discovering a next step in your unique After Divorce journey. 

“We choose not to do it alone.” ~ SAS for Women

 

Divorced woman

Divorced But Not Done: 5 Must-Dos for Staying Positive After Separating

Getting divorced is a painful experience. It can leave you feeling like you’re still drowning under the weight of it long after your “case” has come to a close.

Do you feel like your divorce is over, but you haven’t truly begun to move on? This is common for many newly divorced women. But there comes a certain point when you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start your life over.

Starting anew after watching the life you had planned crumble to bits take a lot of effort on your part. This is especially true if you were not the one who wanted the marriage to end.

When it comes to knowing how to be or what to do after getting divorced, your attitude is everything.

Here are 5 important pieces of divorce advice about staying positive and looking forward instead of lingering on your pain.

1. Allow yourself time to grieve

After enduring a traumatic incident, such as the chilling process of divorce, many new singles make it their mission to move up and onward. This is a great goal to have, but don’t underestimate the grieving process.

Even if you don’t want to spend another minute thinking about your Ex, it’s still important to grieve your relationship with him*. Doing so will help you move on with your life.


Read 46 Steps to Ensure Your Divorce Recovery: A Definition and a Guide


Think of the good times you had with your Ex-husband and go over all of the things you are going to miss. Then move on to the emotions and memories that are leaving you feeling bitter, sad, or resentful. These memories may be hard to relive, but you cannot move on from your divorce until you have learned to process it and let go of the past.

Once you have let the past go, you can look back with only the positive lessons you learned as you work toward new goals in your life.

2. Plan something fun

Going through a separation or trial divorce is one of the most emotionally exhausting experiences any person can ever go through. There is so much waiting, fighting, finances spent, and emotions drained during this process.

Now that it’s over, it’s time to look forward to something positive for a change.

One great piece of divorce advice for creating a positive mindset is to start making plans. These can be big life plans or social engagements, so long as the result is that you have something to look forward to and can have fun. Some examples include:

  • Rent a house in a new neighborhood
  • Move to a new city
  • Travel solo
  • Get a new job
  • Go back to school
  • Volunteer with an organization whose mission turns you on!
  • Move up the ranks in your current place of employment
  • Travel with friends, family, or another divorced woman
  • Learn how to play an instrument/speak another language
  • Commit to doing something fun each week like attending live shows, making dinner dates, or joining a walking group each weekend

Whatever your dreams are, don’t hold back. Now is the time to make goals for yourself and pursue them with all of your heart.

3. Build an amazing support system

One solid piece of divorce advice that you should follow is to have a support system in place.

Don’t be too proud to ask for help. Your friends and family may know that you are Wonder Woman, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need a shoulder to lean on every once in a while.

Your friends and family love you. Let them help you get through this difficult period in your life.

Not only will they be there for socializing, venting, and support with moving or other life changes, but research shows that receiving support from friends and family during a distressing life event (such as a divorce) can significantly lower psychological distress.

4. Start focusing on yourself

Do you even remember the person you were before you got married? What was that girl like? Who did she aspire to be and how much of her has gotten lost along the way?

One way you can stay positive after your divorce is by focusing on yourself for a change.

Odds are during your marriage you were fixated on either working, taking care of your partner’s needs, or raising children. But when was the last time you focused on your own desires?

Now is the time for you to take back control of your own life.

Start making exciting goals that you can work toward. Take classes, plan fun outings with friends, pick up old hobbies that used to bring you joy or make new ones. These are the things that will make you happy and remind you who you really are deep down.

5.  Start taking care of yourself

Your personal health is a big part of staying positive after a divorce.

Exercise multiple times a week. Doctor’s recommend getting at least thirty minutes of exercise daily to maintain personal health and proper weight. Not only will getting active keep you feeling healthy, but it will also boost your confidence and release feel-good endorphins.

Keep the positivity flowing by eating better. Start cooking at home more often, and stay away from processed foods that can make you feel bloated or depressed.

Mindful meditation is another great way to promote positivity and self-care in your life. Studies show that meditation has been proven to reduce stress, boost your mood, and reduce anxiety-related behaviors, such as panic attacks.

When you practice mindful meditation, you focus on what’s really going on in your life without judgment or anger. You simply process the emotions and then learn to let them go.

The best post-divorce advice you could ever follow is to focus on self-care.

Practice positive meditations, and take control of your mindset. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends and family for support during this trying time, and focus on your personal hobbies and health. The more you center your thoughts on the positive aspects of your life, the happier you will be.

 

Sylvia Smith a writer currently associated with Marriage.com, is a big believer in living consciously and encourages people to adopt its principles in their relationships. By taking purposeful and intentional action, Sylvia feels any relationship or marriage can be transformed and truly enjoyed.

*At SAS for Women, we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

get over my ex

14 Ways I’m Going to Get Over My Ex!

What makes a post-divorce break up different than a divorce? Listen in as one divorced woman talks about how she’s going to get over her (latest) Ex…

Dear Jack,

I’m going to tell you everything I think about you, felt for you, and feel for you. I am going to EXPLODE!

And cry.

And you’re never going to know.

In fact, I’m going to record myself so I can evaluate this whole thing later—this whole thing being you, me, and what was us. But for now, I need a witness. A listener. And it can’t be you anymore.

I’m going to walk around a piece of paper I’ve placed on a table, and depending on how I feel at different moments, I’m going to attack it—with bitterness, outbursts, and wet fingers from swiping away tears.

I am scribbling things like …

Rejected! LIVID! HOWLING at the moon!

MISSING you.

I am FEELING old.

Why did you let this go on for so long?

Why are you such a coward?

I surprise myself at my depth of raw hurt. It’s clear I unequivocally love you, loved you, yes, love you even now. Because look at me and what I am reduced to.

When my paper is looking more Jackson Pollack than diary entry, I step back and wait — to let it catch more. Because there will be more, I know — waves of rollercoaster shock and grief for what you’ve done. And for me, for being in this place. For feeling this pain. The anguish of what is right now.

And then?

I’m going to put my dark, smeared masterpiece in an envelope.

I am not going to mail you this testament, this letter, because it would be lost on you. I am going to put it on a far shelf in a cellar closet. Not forgotten, mind you, but contained. I’ve learned I need to work you and what this story really means out more, and when I have, when I am ready, I’ll pull out this hidden envelope. In sacrament or something else, I’ll burn it. Or bury it. Or maybe post it to a wall of cork and throw darts at it.

(It’s got to be cork. I won’t want to damage the wall behind the letter, because that would be permanent.)

As a divorced woman who has survived before, I know I will get over you.

But I also know, I will always love you.

Until I can live in peace with that truth, here is what else I am going to do to get over my Ex. To get over you, my latest heartbreak.

1. I am going to moan and cry

I am going to come to terms with letting you go only after much resistance. So, cry I must.

2. I am going surround myself with girlfriends

My girlfriends remind me of who I am and the rings of fire I’ve already been through. I am going to feel their love and savor their bias. And I am going to laugh and let them say whatever they want to say about you — and NEVER defend you.

3. I am going to block you

I know my weakness, my tendency to obsess over you. There will be no more Facebook peeks or Instagram stalking from me. I won’t allow it. I’m blocking your texts and number. I’ve learned I must treat you like a drug and go cold turkey.

4. One night (or more) I’m going to eat WTF I want

Remember how you’re allergic to shellfish and nuts? Well, I am going out with my besties, and we’re ordering lobster tails with peanut saté followed by gallons of pistachio ice cream.

5. I am going to repeat aloud what I know: I am going to get over you

People break up with each other all the time. I’ve been here before, and so have so many others.

6. I’m going to commit to regular exercise

Exercising will help me feel and look better about myself. Feeling healthier is going to help me bounce back sooner.

7. I am going to get drunk and curse you out

I exercised, but now I’m hanging with my friend who could always drink you under the table and she’s reminding me why she didn’t like you either! How do I get over my Ex? I’ve already forgotten him.


Related: Post Divorce: How to Avoid Making the Same Mistakes in Your Next Relationship


8. I’m going to try to rebalance

Recovering from my hangover is going to remind me how fragile and very precious I actually am. I am going to try to regulate my sleep and eat healthily to support my heart and immune system as they metabolize the pain and vodka.

9. I’m reconnecting with a trusted professional

Something I learned through my past divorce—I will feel better if I don’t just talk about the pain I am going through but actually DO something with these feelings. Taking action is really important. Hello, Divorce Coach, remember me? I’m back but in a different, improved way.

10. I’m going to find a home for your belongings

Granted, you’ve not got a lot of things here (and there’s no 401(k)). But I’ve discovered a special place where your toothbrush is going to live. And it’s not at my house.

11. I may reactivate my online dating profile—and act out!

I say I might—not because I’ve healed—but because I am an independent woman, and I can! It may feel good to hear someone say I have a pretty smile. Or to go out for a drink with someone who thinks I am special; someone who doesn’t see the tire tracks on my back from where I’ve been dumped.

12. I am going to smudge the house

The last time I had to get over my Ex, I hired a professional energy clearer. I’ve since learned I can buy the sage myself from the health food store, and on my own, purify my house of all the (stinking, rotten) heaviness you left. Poof! Gone!

13. I am going to consider what missteps I took in this ill-fated Tango

What was my responsibility in the downfall of our relationship? And what have you taught me? (But only after I’ve exhausted myself being small and blaming you.)

14. I am going to be kind to myself

I know getting over you is going to hurt, and it’s going to require time and steps. I learned that through a much deeper, momentous trip — my divorce recovery. That’s right, sir. You are not my first.

 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the challenging experience of divorce and re-creation. Now you can learn the Art of Reinvention through Paloma’s Group, our virtual, online post-divorce group coaching class for women only. To promote sisterhood and protect confidentiality, space is limited.

* This piece was written for SAS for Women, an all-women website. At SAS we respect same-sex marriages, however, for the sake of simplicity in this article we refer to your spouse as a male.

Coping with Divorce like a modern woman

Not Your Mother’s Divorce: How to Cope Like a Modern Woman

Coping with divorce was not on my list of goals as a happily married mom of three. But my husband of twelve years had a different list, one he shared with me just weeks before Christmas.

He asked me to join him at the dining room table, where he sat with a piece of paper and two fingers of scotch in front of him and read the words he’d prepared: He’d been unfaithful for more than ten years, and he was leaving me for someone he’d met and known for one day in Las Vegas.

I remember sliding off my chair onto the floor as he walked out, leaving me alone with the kids sleeping in their beds.

When I finally got to my feet, an image of my mother flashed before me and I felt weak with shame. How could I be here, in a situation so similar to what she had faced with my father? How was it possible when I had done everything right? I had chosen my husband so carefully, certain that I could never be fooled by an unfaithful man.

Let the ghosts out

I dreaded telling her, certain that she would make the inevitable comparisons and that my experience would invite more dad-bashing.

But my mother only cried with me. A lot. I felt the depth of her pain through the phone line, and I was soothed because there is nothing in the world like crying to your mother. I believe it waters some dry patch in us that, as adults, we tend to overlook, intent instead on staking up our Proven-Winner lives.

Here I had believed my life was in full bloom. I had vowed to do everything differently from my mother, different from all the divorced women who came before me. My mother didn’t know how to write a check when my parents divorced. She had never handled her own money. I may have been a stay-at-home mom when my husband left, but I had a college degree and I knew how to run a Quickbooks spreadsheet. I was part of a new generation of smart women.

But the helplessness, the sense of doom, that my mother must have felt flared in me, and I understood it in a way I never could before.

In a session with my therapist, I cried, “I don’t want to be like my mother, alone and bitter!”

“That’s one picture,” he said. “But there are others.”

Those words would become a lifeline for me: there are other pictures, other ways of being. I didn’t have to become my mother. Now that I’d been thrust into the same situation, I felt the anger and judgments I’d carried toward her dissolve, replaced by a resolve that I would do all I could to feel powerful again after divorce.

So I created a new list:

Refuse to repeat the past

I found ways to ground myself in the present, even if that meant constantly repeating the obvious to myself: I lived in a different city, had a different education, personality, and support system than my mother. I could move on and choose a new future simply by deciding to.

Break the rules that need to be broken

During my divorce process I was told what to do by a variety of experts, including lawyers, mediators, vocational counselors, judges, and even other divorced friends. When I decided, on my own, to move myself and my kids to a cheaper apartment, my lawyer warned me to get permission from the court first. Instead, I trusted my gut and calmly explained that my move would save everyone money, including my former husband. My lawyer shifted gears so enthusiastically that I almost thought it was his idea!

Put yourself first

I learned that coping includes not only setting boundaries but stretching them too. I trained myself to tell my Ex-husband, “Sorry, that won’t work for me.” That was it. End of sentence. I stopped adding explanations and entertaining objections.

And then I went dancing. I took every lesson I’d always dreamed of taking, enduring the embarrassment of being up close and personal with strangers or stepping on someone’s toes. Dancing would become one of the unexpected gifts of my divorce. And when I knew enough to hold my own, I invited my mom to a jazz club, where we tore up the dance floor and had a blast.

I saw that we had very different ways of moving, both on the dance floor and through our divorces.

My divorce wasn’t my mother’s divorce. It was mine. And it was perfectly orchestrated for me to become my best self—past, present, and future.

 

Tammy Letherer is an author and writing coach. Her most recent book, The Buddha at My Table: How I Found Peace in Betrayal and Divorce, is a Gold Medal Winner in the Living Now Book Awards and in the Human Relations Indie Book Awards. It was also a finalist in the 2018 Best Book Awards. Tammy writes regularly about creativity, the writing life, inspiration, and spirituality. You can find her blogs on Huffington Post, SheKnows, GrokNation, SheDoesTheCity, and more. Connect with her at TammyLetherer.com.