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After divorce are you destined for rebound relationships?

After Divorce, Are You Destined for Rebound Relationships?

You’ve been warned about them. But here’s what a rebound relationship truly is. It’s any romantic relationship entered into shortly after ending another romantic relationship. Sound vague? That’s because it is. What does “shortly after” even mean? An hour, a week, a year? It’s all a little murky, isn’t it?

And then there’s the whole judgment thing.

Rebound relationships leave a bad taste in the mouth. The general opinion is that they’re never any good for both people involved.

After all, who gets into a new relationship before the ink on their separation agreement or divorce decree is even dry? Before they’re done with their grieving?  Before they’ve figure out who they are now that the dust is settled? The truth is, many people do.

Some people quickly enter a new romantic relationship because they want to distract themselves from the pain of their divorce or remain in the same type of living arrangement they had before their divorce.

Others do so because their Ex is already in another relationship. They believe that if their Ex is already moving on, then they should, too. AND, of course, they’ll make sure their Ex knows about how happy they are with their much more successful, attractive, smart, young, and “sane” new significant other.

Some people enter a rebound relationship because of the excitement. A rebound is a way to explore their newfound independence or to experience what it is to be sexual again after years of feeling unlovable.

Sometimes there are people who are already in another relationship while married, divorcing, or moving out. Those relationships are complicated and fall into their own category—let’s say the ball (sticking with the rebound metaphor) never hit the ground but got passed instead. These relationships may last, or they may be a function of distraction, excitement, and taboo. And when the marriage is officially no more, those feelings may dissipate; with the reality of everyday and its mundane responsibilities making the relationship seem suddenly boring. But if not, and the relationship lasts, a whole new set of challenges are presented for the one who left the marriage without hitting pause to reflect on what really went wrong.

Then there are those who enter into rebound relationships to heal and move on with their lives. These people know that their divorce recovery is textured, a process, and a healthy relationship (see more below) won’t keep them from growing.

So, you can see that not all rebound relationships are the same. They’re not all harmful. Some truly are healing.

How do you know if your rebound relationship is healing instead of harmful?

Honesty about the situation

You and your new partner are upfront about your personal situations, emotions, and what you’re expecting from the relationship. If not, then at least one of you will be very hurt when it ends.

The willingness to learn about yourself

One of the great things about being in a relationship is the ability to learn more about yourself. If you enter this one with an intention to learn more about yourself, your likes and dislikes, and how you behave in a relationship, then you’ll be presented with new opportunities to learn, grow, and move on from your divorce (and maybe, eventually, from your rebound relationships).

Curiosity about your new partner

Being curious about who your partner is means that you’re not using them to make you feel better. Instead, you’re seeing them as an individual with their own wants, needs . . . and baggage.

Taking the opportunity to treat yourself well

You’ll teach your new partner how to treat you by modeling it for them. Do you want to be treated with kindness and respect? Then treat yourself that way in addition to treating them that way.

Dealing with your baggage as it comes up

Healing through being in a relationship means that you’ll discover things that need to be dealt with. Maybe you’ll discover that something your new partner does triggers you. Maybe you’ll discover that you entered this relationship because it felt familiar instead of healthy. Maybe you chose this partner because he seems 180 degrees opposite to your EX. Whatever baggage you discover, your awareness of it and appropriately dealing with it is part of your healing journey.

Most rebound relationships, including the healing ones, are relatively short-lived. The good thing about the healing ones, though, is that each one is a stepping-stone that carries you closer to a good and lasting relationship with yourself and perhaps, if you want, a relationship with someone else too.

Just what makes a good relationship—one that can last? When you mutually agree to and practice the following.

Honesty about the situation

You and your mate are upfront about your personal situations, emotions, and what you’re expecting from the relationship.

The willingness to learn about yourself

Your mate can be your greatest teacher. Your partner will reflect back to you things you do, things you don’t like about yourself, and things about being in a relationship. The key is to have the willingness to learn and grow. Are you listening to what your partner is saying?

Curiosity about your partner

Being in a good long-term relationship requires that you are still curious about your partner. When you believe there’s nothing more to learn or discover about them, you begin taking them for granted. However, if you can remain curious and you both continue to grow, your relationship can keep its vitality.

Taking the opportunity to treat yourself well

It doesn’t matter what type of a romantic relationship you’re in, you’re always modeling for your partner how to treat you. Take care of yourself, and treat yourself with kindness and respect.

Dealing with your baggage as you become aware of it

It’s rare that a person has no baggage at all. So, expect that you’ll have to deal with your own baggage while you’re in your relationship. Because you’re in a good relationship, your partner will likely support you in your efforts to deal with it—just as you’ll support them.

Making a commitment to each other and consistently putting in the effort to create a good relationship

This is key for any long-term relationship. This level of commitment is also directly connected to the other items on this list being in good order (or at least on the way to being in good order) for both of you.

And, no, this list isn’t some giant typo.

There really isn’t too much difference between the characteristics of healing rebound relationships and good relationships. They are both about promoting growth, support, self-love, and mutual respect.

The main difference is the level of commitment and the possibility of outgrowing each other. With a rebound relationship, the commitment level isn’t lifelong. Because you enter these relationships needing to heal, it’s more likely that one or both of you will move on quickly.

So, let’s get back to the original question:

“After divorce, are you destined for rebound relationships?”

Hopefully you are, but not the kind with the bad connotation. Hopefully, you’re destined for the healing type of rebound relationships that you can use as lovely stepping stones toward either a wonderful committed relationship that helps you both blossom as the unique people you are or a lovely life as a fulfilled single woman.

 

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“We choose not to do it alone.” ~ Sas for Women

 

40 Inspirational Divorce Quotes to Make You Feel Less Alone

40 Inspirational Divorce Quotes to Make You Feel Less Alone

At any given time along this path of change, you might be feeling scared, confused, angry, sad, and lonely. You might be feelinged-out, numb. And all those plucky words of chin-up encouragement, or flat-lining platitudes friends and family continue to proffer are falling on your deaf and numb and pained ears.

Other times our reaction to another person’s words can take us by surprise. We might find ourselves struck by a truth we feel so deeply, so innately, that we could never express it in words. Great writers make us feel like that. Their words could be our own—they so closely resemble what we think and feel. Such writers give us a voice when we can’t trust ourselves. They make us feel seen and less alone

Below are 40 divorce quotes from inspirational women that will make you feel just that: less alone. If you find a quote that makes you vibe, consider printing and hanging it somewhere you’ll see it every day.

You are not alone. Everyone needs help dealing with divorce and especially, divorce recovery (do you know what “healed” even looks like?) We’ve been there, in that place of not knowing what you don’t know.

Without further ado, here are 40 divorce quotes that you can read on dark days when you need a little camaraderie and inspiration:

1. Reese Witherspoon divorce quote

 

2. “You never really know a man until you have divorced him.”
—Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

3.  “There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.” 
— C. Joybell C.

 

4. “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”
— Lucille Ball

 

5. “When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at least, begun to.”
— Helen Rowland

 

6. “Divorce isn’t the child’s fault. Don’t say anything unkind about your ex to the child, because you’re really just hurting the child.”
— Valerie Bertinelli

 

7. “I wanted to turn my divorce into a positive. What if I didn’t blame the other person for anything, and held myself 100 percent accountable? What if I checked my own s— at the door and put my children first? And reminded myself about the things about my ex-husband that I love, and fostered the friendship?”
— Gwyneth Paltrow

 

8. J.K. Rowling quote on divorce

 

9. “Do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.”
— Rupi Kaur

 

10. “Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.”
― Jennifer Weiner

 

11. “Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping it will transform into a door.”
— Coco Chanel

 

12. “It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.”
— Eleanor Roosevelt

 

13. “Success is its own reward, but failure is a great teacher too, and not to be feared.”
— Sonia Sotomayor

 

14. “I was a high-functioning depressive, seemingly pulled together and buttoned down. But inside deep, I was numb and mute. Now on the other side of divorce, I know that was me fragmented and doing my best to cope. But my body knew.”
— Liza Caldwell, SAS for Women Cofounder

 

15. “It always gets worse before it can get better. But it will get better. Like everything else, and like our past struggles, at some point we win, but before that win, there’s always that loss that spurs us on.”
— Dolores Huerta

 

16. “When people divorce, it’s always such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together it can be even worse.”
—Monica Bellucci

 

17. Cheryl Strayed quote on divorce

 

18. “Freeing yourself was one thing, claiming ownership of that freed self was another.”
— Toni Morrison

 

19. “Imagine spreading everything you care about on a blanket and then tossing the whole thing up in the air. The process of divorce is about loading that blanket, throwing it up, watching it all spin, and worrying what stuff will break when it lands.”
—Amy Poehler

 

20. “I have not ceased being fearful, but I have ceased to let fear control me.”
—Erica Jong

 

21. “I think that men were allowed to write about their marriages falling apart, but you weren’t quite supposed to if you were a woman. You were just supposed to curl up into a ball and move to Connecticut. But you know, it didn’t really matter because, as I said, I knew what the book was. It’s a funny book, and I was very happy that it sold a lot of copies.”
– Nora Ephron on her book, Heartburn

 

22. “Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.”
— Deborah Reber

 

23. “Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.”
— Carol Burnett

 

24. “Don’t be afraid. Be focused. Be determined. Be hopeful. Be empowered.”
— Michelle Obama

 

25. Ann Landers quote on divorce

 

26. “My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.”
— Maya Angelou

 

27. “Perhaps sometimes reminding ourselves that we do have a choice makes it easier to pick the harder one.”
— Eva Melusine Thieme

 

28. “Don’t have regrets. You can learn something from every experience.”
— Ellen Degeneres

 

29. “I learned that it would take more than just the black and white steps of getting divorced, or even finding a lawyer. It would take NOT just facing my fears. It would take walking into my fears — with each step making me bolder and less ashamed, with each step giving me courage.”
— Liza Caldwell, SAS for Women Cofounder

 

30. “Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert

 

31. “The process of discovering with somebody that you love that you don’t work is so painful.”
—Kate Hudson

 

32. “It was a long time in the making, my divorce. One day became less special than the [one before], and pretty soon we ceased all conversation. It is a sad day when you have nothing left to say.”
—Ricki Lake

 

33. “Above all be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
— Nora Ephron

 

34. “The good thing about getting divorced young—if there is a good thing—is that it makes you realize there’s no schedule in life. It blasts you wide open and frees you to be honest with yourself.”
—Olivia Wilde

 

35. “When we truly care for ourselves, it becomes possible to care about other people. The more alert and sensitive we are to our own needs, the more loving and generous we can be towards others.”
— Eda LeShan

 

36. “There’s no pain or failure like going through a divorce.”
—Jennifer Lopez

 

37. “It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”
— Lena Horne

 

38. Sarah Ban Breathnach quote on divorce

 

39.“Stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.”
— Carrie Fisher

 

40. “I used to hope that you’d bring me flowers. Now I plant my own.”
— Rachel Wolchin

Is there a divorce quote that’s helped you get through your divorce? Comment below to share. We could all use a little inspiration and encouragement.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce. If you are looking for confidential divorce support, take advantage of our six months of FREE email coaching giving you action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your self. 

“Divorce can be on your terms.” – SAS for Women

Women starting over after divorce

5 Simple Tips for Women Starting Over After Divorce

Marriage should be a mutually beneficial arrangement for two people. Love, of course, matters, but historically, women had finances and their future stability to consider when choosing a husband. And over the past hundred years, our concept of marriage has changed—not just in America, but in many parts of the world. Today, women no longer marry to survive. Instead, independent women tie the knot for love and self-realization. But love and self-realization are also increasingly becoming reasons for getting a divorce.

According to a recent study conducted by WP Diamonds, one in ten marriages ends due to a lack of freedom. Once divorced, this newly-won freedom can seem a little frightening to even the most independent women. The important thing is to stay focused on your goals and assert your wishes. Starting over after divorce is about taking control of your new life.

Fight for your dreams, and take control of your life

Maintain a positive outlook, and when all else fails, remember that independence doesn’t mean never asking for help. Realize how much other people value you—your colleagues, friends, and family. Allow your positive thoughts to fuel you and help you build up your inner strength. If you need more support during this difficult time, you should get that support. Your real friends and family will stand by you through hard times. Talk to your friends, other divorced women, or a professional to get the divorce advice you need. In fact, one out of every four people going through a divorce would consider seeking professional help from a therapist.

And that’s good. For if there was ever a time one should turn to experts, it’s during the life crisis of divorce. Those same people who’d “consider a therapist” might benefit from learning about the steps resulting from working with a coach. For at some point, you want to stop talking about your situation and DO something that is appropriate for your circumstances. And without regret.  Appropriate action lessens anxiety and can relieve stress.

Independent women know this. We know how to make the best out of what life gives us, to speak up, and to take control — all of which takes a certain boldness and action. This also means taking control of our mental wellbeing and making decisions that are in our best interest.

Stand up for your rights, and carefully think about your next steps

Parting with someone close to you can be an emotional and painful process. Making rational decisions during this time is difficult but essential. If you can do so now, your future will be more stable—both emotionally and financially. Many women find it helpful to create a plan to follow during and after the divorce so they don’t lose track of what is important. As a divorced woman, you have rights. Create a checklist of your next steps. Here are a few examples of tasks you can add to your checklist:

  • Seek professional, emotional divorce advice
  • Find a good financial advisor
  • Ensure your children understand the changes they’re experiencing

It is not always easy, but it is ever so important to be honest with your children and to talk to them about what is going on. Your intention might be to protect them, but this is a hard time for them as well. Now more than ever, they need to know that they are loved and that they don’t need to choose one parent over the other.

Not sure what steps you need to take? Here are some more tips for newly-divorced independent women.

Be yourself, and gather your strength for the future

In all stages of life, you should remain true to yourself and follow your own path. This is also very important when it comes to starting over after divorce. Remember: You are not just a wife or a mother. You will always be, first and foremost, you—an individual, an independent woman. You can decide for yourself where to go, what to do, and which values you cherish after divorce.

Sometimes the stress of going through a divorce can bring out our ugly sides, and a person can turn to intimidation and other forms of manipulation to get what they want or to spite their Ex. If you remain fair and refuse to fall into this trap, you will increase your chances of coming out the other side a much more positive and emotionally stable woman. Stay true to yourself and surround yourself with people who are important to you—people who love and support you. Celebrate the good times rather than dwelling on the past.

Take these 46 steps to ensure your divorce recovery.

Be patient—starting over after divorce takes time

Deciding to divorce was likely a long process, after all. The decision to part ways with the person who was once your other half is not taken lightly. The wait for the divorce to finalize can also be excruciating. Depending on how long you were married, the prenuptial agreement, children, and many other factors, the divorce process can take several months or years. This is not always easy so when you hit a low moment picture your life after divorce and what it will feel like to be in control again. If your divorce has just finalized, know that once the dust has settled life after divorce will get better.

Your reward: your new life after divorce

Life goes on. As you contemplated divorce, filed the paperwork, and waited for your attorney to tell you it was finally over, daily tasks and responsibilities continued to pile up. Your job, your children, your home—each of them needs your attention. Divorce is rarely easy. You might have even asked yourself, “How will I move on after divorce?” The truth is that starting over after divorce will bring up a lot of emotions, but mostly, women feel like taking a great sigh of relief. Both before and throughout the divorce process, it can feel like you’re holding your breath. Are you ready to let it out? Your life as an independent, divorced woman is waiting for you.

Since 2012, SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience and its afterward. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “Divorce can be on your terms.“– SAS for Women.

Grown up woman talks to divorced mom

What My Grown-Up Self Would Tell My Divorced Mom

Parents always wonder about the children when they get divorced. Will they be okay? Will they understand? What will they remember? My parents divorced when I was eight years old. My father told me he would have stayed, if my mother would have tried. My mother told me all she ever did was try. And for many years, finding out “the truth” mattered to me. I wanted someone to blame. Sometimes that person was my father. Sometimes that person was my mother. Other times it wasn’t a person at all but the very idea of love itself.

For half my childhood, my single, divorced mom raised me and my three siblings. We survived on her bookkeeper salary and the child support check my father sent (mostly) every month. As a teenager, it was easy to believe in the way most teenagers do that I knew best. That if I were my mother I would do it all differently. Now, only a couple years older than my mother was when she married my father, I’m not so sure. Her shoes fit more comfortably. So, what do I wish my divorced mom would have known? From the practical to the personal, here I go.

It’s better to lean into your pain together than hide it away

My mother’s optimism has always impressed me, but her optimism is something that I now, as an adult, see in myself as something else: a mask. In other words, my mother was good at faking it. When I was growing up, we both faked it for the same reasons. I was a good student who read books, stayed out of trouble, and faded into the background. I said “fine” when she asked how I was doing, instead of saying how sad or lost I felt. I developed a sort of apathy and tried to unburden my mother. To take one more thing—raising me—off her plate, so, in many ways, my siblings and I raised each other. In doing so, I’m afraid we may have made my mother feel like we didn’t need her, which could not have been further from the truth.

I’m afraid we may have made my mother feel like we didn’t need her, which could not have been further from the truth.

Optimism is a mask that’s hard to keep on forever. Hiding becomes a habit that’s hard to break, further isolating you from your loved ones, and turning to substances like alcohol to cope is all too easy. That’s why it’s so important to find a support group outside of your usual social circles—women who understand your situation because they are going through it too or have already been there. Wanting to “be strong” for your children is understandable, but needing help is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, knowing when to ask for help is a great lesson for your children to learn.

As a divorced mom, your relationship with money will change, and that’s okay

Because my mother never remarried and had no college degree, finances were often a struggle. Little luxuries, like attending ballet classes, disappeared. We stopped bringing lunch to school and instead began typing our ID numbers into keypads in the cafeteria while women wearing hair nets discreetly pointed out what food the government would pay for and what food they would not. Then it got worse—my mother explained how we were losing the house. The car went missing from the driveway one night, and again, my mother explained, only this time we learned what a repo man was.

My mother was drowning. If I mentioned anything to my father, he’d mumble something about child support and the conversation would quickly shift to a diatribe of all the ways my mother was failing us.

My mother was not failing us. She was not alone, and neither are you. According to the US Census Bureau, nearly 40 percent of households led by single moms are living below the poverty line. Even today, when articles rethinking the value of a college degree seem prevalent, the impact having a bachelor’s degree makes on your earning potential can’t be ignored. In 2016, the Bureau of Labor Statistics reported that the median biweekly paycheck of someone with a bachelor’s degree was $928 more than a person with a high school diploma.

But if you’re drowning in debt and stretched thin, like my mother was, then attending college likely seems out of reach. Single mothers might be surprised to find out there are often more resources available to them than they think. If you’re a divorced mom, you can also take advantage of  online finance classes geared toward women where you can learn about budgeting, paying off debt, and saving.

There’s a line between honesty and therapy

I grew up in a house full of women (and one little brother, poor him) who loved to talk. We prided ourselves on our ability to be honest with each other. Even so, as a child, if I overheard my mother or anyone else speak poorly of my father, I took it upon myself to personally defend his honor. I didn’t condone his actions, I said, but he was my father and I loved him and that was that as far as I was concerned.

After the divorce, I saw my father often. He took us to see movies and let me wander libraries and bookstores while he distracted my little brother. He listened to me, and I could tell he thought I was smart. That kind of thing mattered to me. But I wasn’t going to stay little forever. Sometimes I’d come home to my mother and vent, and it was then the floodgates would open. We became co-victims of my father’s transgressions.

The phrase “talk it out” exists for a reason.

The phrase “talk it out” exists for a reason. Many of us feel better after a good talk with someone who just gets it. But after divorce, relationships with friends and family can feel strained. Because children usually deeply understand the events that led to a divorce, even if they can’t articulate everything they heard and saw, it’s easy for parents to overshare.

A common complaint I’ve heard from other children of divorce is how their parents treated them (and often still treat them) as messengers or, even, as therapists. But your children’s father will always be a part of their lives, even if he ceases being part of yours. Instead of creating a wedge between your children and their father, use divorce as a lesson in setting personal boundaries, forgiving others, and loving someone despite their imperfections. If you find yourself venting to your children, do your best to bite your tongue and speak to a friend or professional instead. Let your children form their own opinions about who their father is or isn’t.

Your children need a parent, not a friend

As I got older, I became my mother’s confidant. The person she could talk to without judgment. Children who find themselves in this position often begin to see their parents as their equal. This dynamic grows worse if you struggle to discipline or provide structure for your children. Do they have chores? Do they have a curfew? Do you ask about their day at school, or review homework assignments together? And when mistakes are made and tantrums are thrown, how do you teach your children?

After divorce, the instinct to “do it all yourself” can be so tempting. You come home tired after a long work day. The thought of barking orders at your children or ticking domestic tasks off your to-do list seems just about impossible. So you let things slide.

When your kids start to think of you as the parent “who lets things slide,” that’s when you have a problem. You become the cool adult friend they just happen to live with instead of their parent.

But when your kids start to think of you as the parent “who lets things slide,” that’s when you have a problem. You become the cool adult friend they just happen to live with instead of their parent.

The importance of creating family moments

I have so many happy memories, even after the divorce, but I also remember how, as we grew older, our daily lives grew more fragmented. My mother was (and still is) fun. She liked to garden and do DIY projects, anything from rehabbing furniture to making lotions and lip balms from scratch. She cooked constantly and never from a recipe. I loved helping her. I’d ask her how much seasoning to put in a dish and the reply was always the same: “Trust your gut.” These things brought us together. Later, we often retreated to our own bedrooms after school, where I’d read a book or my brother would play video games. I found myself feeling nostalgic for a past I knew I couldn’t get back to.

It’s important to continue traditions and begin new ones—to have family dinners, to host game or movie nights. To remind your children that the end of a marriage isn’t the end of their world.

As a divorced mom, it’s important to continue traditions and begin new ones—to have family dinners, to host game or movie nights. To remind your children that the end of a marriage isn’t the end of their world.

You can’t control everything that happens after divorce. What your children will remember more than anything is that you were there for them and that you did your best for them. Show your children that you can fail and keep going. How what’s worse than making a mistake is not learning your lesson. I remember how much my mother tried more than I remember her failures. More than anything, this is what I’d tell her—it’s what I do tell her.

This article was authored for SAS for Women by Melanie Figueroa, a freelance writer and content editor who loves discussing women’s issues and creativity. Melanie helps authors and small businesses improve their writing and solve their editorial needs.

SAS for Women is entirely dedicated to the unexpected challenges women face while considering a divorce and navigating the divorce experience. SAS offers women six FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “Divorce can be on your terms.” – SAS For Women.

Woman's shadow considering future self

If You’re in Denial About Your Future, Don’t Bother Reading Any Further

Oh, but you are open to something … aren’t you?

I was, too.

After the doorbell rung, I went to the door and collected a beautifully designed envelope. I considered its elegant calligraphy. Was it really for me? I opened it to find an invitation that took my breath away … to meet myself five years from now.

And with shaking knees and a thud in my chest, I did it. (I wonder, would you?) I rsvp’d YES. For I knew on some level, I’d been playing around too long. I had to begin to create the woman I wanted to meet five years from today. Here is how I began that journey. Read more  …

But I admit, I was scared about what else this would mean.

Yes, I had decided to volunteer on an animal reserve in Africa for 2 weeks. That’s all — I mean, wasn’t that enough of getting outside myself? But when Italians wrote not long after asking if they could rent my apartment for a total of 5 weeks through AirBnB, I thought,

  • “What is the universe telling me? This is preposterous!”
  • “Whoa, can I really just up and go for a entire month or more solo to Africa?”
  • “What if I don’t like my Future Self?”
  • “What if I feel lonely?”
  • “What if my Future Self is weak or cowardly or can’t protect me from every unforeseen calamity?”

What I would discover though, would blow my mind. For while traveling to Cape Town, then living and working there, I came to meet men and women who were friends of my Future Self! It wasn’t me, I am convinced who attracted them, but she! Among them was Carla, my first AirBnB hostess. Carla became something more like my sister from a parallel universe. The second day of my arrival, Carla showed me how to acclimatize … how to swim with the seaweed in winter, how to grab hold of the forest of kelp for anchor, then how to rub the strong, slippery protein-rich flesh against my face. “The Ladies,” as Carla called the kelp hugging the coves of Cape Town, not only provide the most purifying & recharging facial … “they break the waves and keep you safe if you respect them and dare to hang on.”

Stay tuned for more stories on Africa and the incredible people I met when I stepped out of my hot New York City apartment and into a hotter laboratory of possibility.

But right now, I must ask, can you respect the life forces around you, those signs that are calling you? Do you dare to hang on?

If you’d like to learn more about overcoming your fears and honoring who you really are, consider joining Liza Caldwell and Master Coach Madhu Maron in New York City on October 14 for Finding Your Future Self Workshop, a powerful, all day event and celebration dedicated to your becoming, an action plan for honoring your true self and moving forward with impact and awareness. This event is open to women of all ages and stages of life who are facing a possible transition or who wish to move forward with intention. To find out if this workshop is for you, please schedule a 15-minute chat with SAS Cofounder Liza Caldwell.

Considering divorce advice and fear

Divorce Advice: How to Get Over Paralyzing Fear

In this follow up article, excerpting highlights from her interview on Progressive Radio Network, SAS Cofounder and divorce coach Kimberly Mishkin offers divorce advice to women who are thinking about the frightening steps to divorce.

Why is divorce so scary? Each of us has our own unique set of fears, but for so many of us, it’s the time we feel that we’ve lost while being unhappy. Life’s too short, and we know that we will never get any of it back. We made choices, and they led us here, seeking out divorce advice online and looking for connection wherever we can. And while there’s solace in knowing you’re not alone, there’s a certain kind of pain in it too. You’re not special. Your grief, your loss—it is yours, yes, but is one that’s shared, too, by so many. Instead of resisting that pain, though, we recommend you lean into it.

The fact that you’re not the first person to experience this particular pain means that there are plenty of people you can turn to for divorce advice. There are smart, strong, and savvy shoulders out there for you to lean on. There are people who can help you face your fear, stop overthinking divorce, and take the leap.

Jack: How do you address it when people feel fear?  You can’t say, “Get over it.” So how do you balance the fear and getting people to take action?

Kimberly: Actually, we sometimes use the acronym, “ACT.”

A: Act

The first thing you need to do is get somebody to be your ADVISOR, a divorce coach or therapist, for instance. We recommend you talk to someone who is a professional, but if you can’t afford a coach, it could also be someone like an HR representative at work or the guidance counselor at your kid’s school (someone who has given people divorce advice before).

In the first stages of divorce, your attorney might be able to point you to other resources. But no matter what, you absolutely need an advisor. You need to talk about your divorce out loud. You need somebody to give you feedback. You need somebody to help you think it through. You need a professional with tried-and-true divorce advice you can trust on your side.

It’s just impossible to do it all in your head, all on your own.

Jack: You had an advisor?

Kimberly: I did. At first, I wasn’t telling anybody at work, and it was torture. I had compartmentalized to such a degree that I was a totally different person at work than I was on the weekends.

It was exhausting and the anxiety started to come out of my pores. I was getting injuries or I was getting sick every other day. The anxiety was literally eating me up inside until I had to reach out and get some help.

You need an advisor. You need somebody you can trust, somebody you know is genuine—who doesn’t have a personal stake in this, somebody who can be objective.

The second thing you need to do is COLLECT INFORMATION.

C: Collect Information

Start collecting information from anywhere you can. In New York, especially, there are a ton of free workshops, but there are also free online resources, downloadable pamphlets, and E-books. There’s a wealth of information and divorce advice out there—you just have to start looking for it.

Most people fear the unknown more than anything.

Deborah: Right.

Kimberly: So, the more you collect information and educate yourself, the more the fear will start to subside because you’ll understand what you’re looking at and what the realities are.

And the third thing is to TAKE STEPS.  Just take baby steps.

T: Take Steps

Start a journal. Get a bank account of your own. Change the locks if your spouse has moved out. Call a friend and make plans for once a week.

The key is to do something different—take one tiny step, which will lead to more steps that take you on a journey to divorce recovery. Once you get that momentum going, you will feel real change happening.

For more on this interview, read “Divorce Coaching: The Female Take” or listen to the complete interview here.

Whether you are considering a divorce or already navigating the confusing experience, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice to not do divorce alone. Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to support them through the emotional, financial, and oft times complicated experience of divorce.

SAS offers women 6 FREE months of email coaching, action plans, checklists and support strategies for you, your family, and your future. “A successful divorce requires smart steps, taken one at a time.” – SAS for Women 

Woman on the couch ignoring divorce advice for women

Divorce Advice for Women: Get Off the Couch

Despite the never-ending amount of divorce advice out there, the end of a marriage is hard.  Divorce is scary, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach to getting through it. Divorce means the start of a new phase of your life—one that you never planned for.

When understanding takes on a new meaning

My parents were divorced, and I was a second-wife and stepmother for 14 years. On top of that, I have been a family law attorney for 21 years. But even so, none of that prepared me for the roller coaster of emotions that came along with my own divorce. I thought I knew what to expect, and I thought I was prepared. Hadn’t I been dishing out divorce advice to clients for years? Surely if there was an expert, I was it. I was so wrong.

When your marriage splits up, you need to redefine your future, your path, and yourself.  In a marriage, you sacrifice so much of yourself, especially toward the end when all your efforts seem to be failing and you do everything you can to desperately try to save your relationship. In the midst of all that, it’s possible to lose sight of who you are—who you truly are, deep inside.

What makes you happy? What are the things you used to do just for yourself—not for your kids, your husband, or your job but just for you? Is it easy to come up with this list? Can you even remember?

My best divorce advice

My best divorce advice for women is to tell you it is time to focus on you now—to get back to your authentic self. Figure out what makes you happy and where you want your life to go. You have unlimited opportunities now. You have choices. Sure, the path you are on now is not the path that you were on before and it is not the one you expected, but you can redefine your future and you can make it better than before.

Yes, the changes to your finances are scary.  Yes, getting back into the dating world can also another kind of terrifying.  But you can do it.  You are strong, you are fabulous, and you need to get out there and show the world if you ever expect to get anywhere or meet anyone new (friends or lovers).

So, as simple as it sounds: Put away the tissues, and get off the couch. You are amazing, and you have a beautiful, bright future ahead, if only you are brave enough to stop listening to and reading divorce advice and go out there and act on it.

Daryl Weinman is a family law attorney, practicing in the Austin, Texas, area for twenty-one years. A child of divorce, a stepmother for fourteen years, a mother of two teenage boys, and divorced now herself for the past four years, Daryl has seen divorce from most every angle and can truly relate to the emotional struggles of her clients and divorced friends. To leverage her insights and smart, savvy takeaways, read her new book, Post Divorce Journey Back to Yourself available at Barnes & Noble or Amazon.com. Or if you are in the Austin area, or a resident of Texas and would like to consult with Daryl for legal divorce advice, visit here for details.

Although SAS periodically features links to and writing by other professionals on the SAS website, SAS for Women™ is not responsible for the accuracy or content of that information. As for what is best for you and your future, SAS always recommends you speak to a professional to discuss the particulars of your situation.