Trial Separation Checklist: 8 Things to Consider

When you start having problems with your marriage it can be so confusing that your mind and heart spin, often in conflict. And when those problems continue over months or years, with no real progress or resolution, it’s natural that a part of you might jump to the idea of divorce. That’s one way out of it, right? Yes, surely. But there are other options not nearly as drastic. One you might consider is taking a break from one another in a trial separation.  But to ensure this pause stands the best chance of helping clear the air moving forward, you will want your separation to be thoughtful with boundaries and terms of mutual understanding.

This article will discuss what trial separation is, the purpose of trial separation, and how one goes through the trial separation process. If you decide to explore a trial separation, we also provide 8 items to consider in SAS’ Trial Separation Checklist.

What is Trial Separation?

In simple terms, trial separation is an opportunity for you to live apart from your partner, and find some independence, for a specific amount of time before you decide the ultimate fate of your marriage. A well-known category of trial separation is called “therapeutic separation.” This type of trial separation is the most common. “Therapeutic separation” is a type of separation that is done in partnership with a therapist or another mental health professional. A therapeutic separation allows you and your partner to have a period of reflection on how you really feel about the marriage and yourselves. It can provide more clarity so you make better decisions about your future.

Is Trial Separation the Same as Divorce?

Understandably, the term trial separation can get quite confusing, and you may also wonder how different trial separation is from a traditional divorce.

With a trial separation, there is no traditional legal process involved. This could lead to confusion because the name itself contains the word “trial.” When the terms of separation are set, you have the ability to choose how the terms are set and by whom. You can set your own terms, either as a couple or with a therapist. You can also hire an attorney to draft up a trial separation agreement which is a more formal and structured process. (Note that a legal separation is not a trial separation.  A legal separation creates a more permanent separation and is akin to a divorce.

Some spouses may object to the word “trial separation.”  You might use other words to create the same idea of space. You might call it a “pause”, a “break for a bit”, or “a controlled separation,” or a “temporary way of being.” The name of it is not as important as the new space you are creating in your relationship.

Whatever you call it, a “pause” or “a trial separation”, it’s important to know that it may be a step before divorce or the step that actually salvages a marriage.

If you worry that your trial separation may lead to divorce, and it is a risk, you may want to read this piece on the risks of marital separation.

What is the Purpose of Trial Separation?

The purpose of trial separation is to give you and your partner a chance to think and determine whether you want to continue being a married couple, or if that is not the case, then maybe this process will lead you to make a surer decision about filing for divorce or creating a new normal. There are times that couples just need that independent and alone time to reflect on how they are feeling, as well as any personal issues they may be going through.

Do you ever remember a time when you felt so overwhelmed that you weren’t able to make any decisions in your personal and professional life? Perhaps you’ve been diagnosed with an illness, or you are facing the challenges of caring for older parents. When we reach a certain age there is often a confluence of circumstances that can put stress on any marriage. For a lot of people, it makes sense to seek some alone time to try to sort things out.

Although there may be financial, or emotional implications to trial separation, many SAS clients tell us they feel much differently about themselves and their future when they are no longer living under the same roof as their spouse.  They can hear themselves and not feel triggered by the patterns and environment of the married household. And because they can hear themselves, they can also think and feel more clearly.

Weighing the Pros and Cons of Trial Separation

The cooling-off period for the couple is great for relieving any ongoing tension and conflicts.

But if you consider a trial separation you will want to be aware of the pros and cons.

As stated before, in terms of pros, a trial separation gives you that much-needed space, and time for you to truly consider what you want. Relationships are difficult, and there are times when we lose ourselves in a relationship, and our wants and needs are no longer prioritized. Taking some time apart to connect with yourself, to learn if you can live independently, to really consider the feelings you may have been harboring, and to ask yourself what you deeply want is healthy work.

Can Trial Separation Prevent Divorce?

This can be a very good move instead of filing for divorce. Do women regret divorce? It depends on who you ask. (Spoiler alert: more men regret divorce than women.) But certainly attempting to do a trial separation is a sign that you are not rushing to hire a divorce attorney and that on some level there may be hope for the relationship.

(Or not. Some women use a trial separation as a means of just getting distance from their spouse so they build their courage to eventually ask for a divorce. For some, this trial separation could be a strategy to divorce down the road.)

The Impact of Trial Separation on Children

We’ve mentioned some of the pros of a trial separation, but there are also a handful of downsides. If you have children, it can be pretty confusing for them to go through a big change that comes with trial separation. Imagine separating, and deciding to permanently stay that way, or separating and deciding to ultimately remain together. Either decision will disturb your children and their routine schedule. On the other hand, if there is a lot of conflict in the house, your children might welcome the peace the trial separation might mean. For this reason, we recommend you consider working with a therapist to establish the boundaries of the trial separation. So together, you can talk about the healthiest ways to manage the separation with the children in mind.

Keeping an Open Mind

All trial separations are dependent on the couple and should be considered only on a case-by-case basis. For some couples, space is great and exactly what they need. For others, it is the end of their relationship. The best advice anyone will give when you decide to opt for trial separation is to keep an open mind. Remember that the reason you are doing this is to work on your relationship, and reflect on your communication, needs, and wants. Most importantly, it will be important to be honest with yourself and your partner.

---

(SAS wishes to share that if you are already separated, it’s helpful to know that it is normal for life to be completely abnormal for a while, for extremes to take over, and for us to be unrecognizable to ourselves for periods of time. Learn more about yourself and separation by reading our “Emotional Stages of Separation.”)

---

Who are Good Candidates for a Trial Separation?

It is possible that trial separation may not be the best decision for you. Every couple is different and it is important to do what aligns with and is best for your marriage. If you are wondering if trial separation is a good idea for you, here are some examples of couples who might be suitable for a trial separation. However make no mistake, these are not definitive examples. You need to evaluate your marriage and have a partner who is willing to try a trial separation (which is for some, a big ask!)

Examples:

• If you are constantly fighting with your partner, but still deeply care for them, a cooling-off period may be just what you need. In this case, consider trial separation.
• If you are going through a major transition in your life, trial separation may be a great idea for you. Examples of transitions can be a new job, or birth of a child, a serious illness, or caring for elderly parents or family. These examples often cause a strain in a marriage. Time to reflect will allow both partners to realign their priorities.
• If you and your partner are not on the same page, meaning one may want a divorce while the other wants to stay in the relationship, consider trial separation. It offers a less permanent alternative to divorce while you align with your partner (and yourself).

As mentioned before, not all marriages will be saved by trial separation. Many times there are irreconcilable differences, infidelity, or abuse that cause permanent strains in the marriage. In these cases, trial separation may not be the appropriate decision.

If you are leaving an abusive marriage, we urge you to consider steps you might take first to protect yourself. Your marriage is likely not a good candidate for a trial separation unless you are using it as a strategy to more permanently escape.

How do You Initiate Trial Separation?

If you are interested in a trial separation, begin by having an open and honest conversation with your partner. If you fear this, consider reaching out to a counselor or therapist and have a set time and place where you can initiate the conversation. Through this process, be open-minded and hear your partner’s perspective. Working with a mental health specialist will ensure you have ground rules that will help set expectations. However the discipline of following it outside of a clinical setting is also very important.

What Goes into a Trial Separation?

If you decide that trial separation is the right option for you, it requires clear guidelines and careful planning. Below are some important themes you should consider.

1. Communication

   Whether you have zero contact during the separation period or a set time to talk to one another, this should be predetermined and effectively communicated to each other. Set your expectations to avoid any arguments during the separation period. (Do you talk on the telephone, in person, or text, during this separate time? SAS often recommends that spouses go cold turkey with specific meeting dates with a therapist during the separation period.)

2. Rules Around Dating

   Set rules around whether you are allowed to date and be with other people during the period. You do not want to misalign. That leads to further issues and confusion. Will you date each other during this time? (SAS recommendation is that this is not a period of getting to know each other again, it’s about you getting to know yourself. So, we don’t recommend dating your spouse during the separation time. We want you to experience your independence with as little influence from the Other as possible.)

3. Financial Agreements

   Discuss with your partner how you are going to split the bills and cover expenses. Especially if you are not going to be living together during this time, there will be additional costs that need to be accounted for. Do not assume, talk it out in advance.

4. Co-parenting

   If you have a child, decide on custody arrangements and visitation schedules. Your child will be going through their own emotional turmoil during this period, so prioritize them, and create a set schedule and plan to help them cope.

5. Time Frame/Boundaries
   

   Trial separations are meant to be temporary. So set a period where you will be “separated.” Many therapists recommend that the period be anywhere from three to six months. But discuss with your partner and your therapist what is best for your relationship.

6. Reevaluation

   Once the set time for separation has expired, determine how you will have a reevaluation conversation on deciding on your marriage … and where you will do that. (SAS recommends a neutral space, like a therapist’s office or a park.)

Here is SAS’ Trial Separation Checklist

When considering how to establish those clear guidelines as you plan for trial separation, here is a SAS-vetted checklist that will help you stay organized and focused.

Between Yourselves, or with the Help of a Therapist or Facilitator:

1. Set Clear Goals for the Separation
2. Define Boundaries (Communication, Showing Up, Dating or Not, Expected Behaviors)
3. Determine Living Arrangements
4. Set a Time Frame for the Separation
5. Create a Financial Plan
6. Seek Constant Professional Help through the Process (Who will assist you and keep you honest and intentional during the separation?)
7. Create a Coparenting Plan
8. Create a Reevaluation Plan where you make a final decision. (Include questions you want to ask each other at the end of the separation.)

Conclusion

People are living longer than ever before in history. Sometimes the relationship that served us well when we were younger, is no longer meeting our current needs or we’ve come to recognize truths about ourselves or our partners. Taking time apart is a smart way to test the depth of our discomfort and to consult our inner selves.

While not for everybody, a trial separation between you and your partner may be just what you need to realign goals and priorities as you determine the fate of your marriage. You can create informal or more involved agreements with just you and your partner, with a mental health professional, or an attorney who will help you draft up a formal separation agreement. The fact is what has gotten you to this page suggests that divorce may be a real risk in your marriage. It makes sense sometimes to get creative about your situation before you rush into anything final. Maybe there is hope that your partner can change and you can change if you are each duly motivated.

NOTES

Natasha just graduated from law school and has completed her Bar exam. With a longstanding interest in health law, she aspires to work for hospitals and nonprofits in continuing to advocate for women’s rights. Her goal is to address the historical issues that continue to prevail in our society by addressing the social determinants of health.

 

Choose not to go it alone.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional and oftentimes complicated experience of divorce. SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future. Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”