What is Gray Divorce? 9 Signs It’s Yours

Sally is going through a gray divorce, she tells me, with tears running down her cheeks. We’re sitting in our neighborhood diner, watching the leaves falling outside, and people bustling past. I hadn’t expected this when she suggested we meet urgently for coffee. I thought she wanted to tell me about their wonderful weekend away in the country, which I’d thought involved a romantic bed and breakfast and driving around to see the autumnal colors.

That’s not how Sally and her husband of 30 years, Pete, spent the weekend. They had gone away to talk about the end of their marriage.

So, What is Gray Divorce?

During that weekend away, she told me, they still slept in the same bed, but neither slept much.

They had each tossed and turned, reliving their last conversation and keeping each other awake. Their marriage had petered out. They had nothing in common anymore. The girls led happy lives on the other side of the world – New Zealand and the United Kingdom – and their empty nest just kept getting emptier. Their two Labrador retrievers, Solly and Molly, had passed away within weeks of each other a few months back. Sally and Pete couldn’t contemplate replacing them; it was too soon. The house felt empty. They were desolate. It was time to turn the page.

Pete is 63 and nearly bald. Sally is 58 and has long dark hair that her hairdresser revives every six weeks. Although neither of them has gray hair, they are about to embark on a gray divorce.

Gray divorces are increasingly common these days, and, compared to other types of divorces, they stand out for particular reasons.  A couple’s breakup may be viewed as a gray divorce if they are in their fifties or older, have been married a long time, and they decide to legally divorce. There can be one or many reasons for a gray divorce: among them, empty nesting (when the kids leave home), aging and growing apart, a shifting of priorities with retirement, activity, or career goals, a sexless marriage, or perhaps health issues.

As some people age, many of the things that once made them happy together don’t have the same effect anymore. Perhaps each partner’s idea of what they want out of life is different now.  Maybe the couple has spent so much time together that they find they are bored and wish for more excitement.

Another reason? Maybe a partner never had what they fundamentally wanted or needed.

The Challenges of a Gray Divorce

One of the biggest challenges people face when thinking about divorce is the financial one. Money is always an issue, whether it’s having to budget because you’re not working anymore, fearing the reality of splitting retirement funds, or worrying there’s simply not enough money to divorce and live separately.

Like any married couple, Pete and Sally had quarreled over the years. They had different views on various subjects, particularly regarding their finances. They even had differing opinions about raising their two daughters. But now, they are rethinking it all.

Pete and Sally will be financially secure as they both have incomes and socked away enough in retirement funds that they don’t need to worry as they consider two independent lives. But this is certainly not the norm. For most people, divorce involves some financial hardship. And for those gray divorcing, the pot of money to be split is limited and not usually growing.

Another challenge of a gray divorce is the emotional journey. For some people, there’s a sense of dwindling possibilities now that they are in their older years. My friend Desiree tells me that not only does she have to live on less money than she did when she was married, but she also feels less optimistic about finding another partner down the road. “I’ve gone on dating sites since getting divorced,” she says cynically, “and there’s no one interested in meeting a woman of my age. And I am a young 64!”

A colleague of mine, Millie, who is also divorced and a woman of a certain age, has a completely different reaction to her singledom as a gray divorcee.

“Are you kidding? I am over the moon that I do not have to be a professional caregiver to anyone anymore.  I am not interested in dating or finding my so-called ‘Soul Mate’. I am having too much fun catching up on lost time, doing the things I’ve always wanted to do but never could.”

Why Does a Gray Divorce Occur?

Gray divorce can happen to anyone. I think you are getting the picture. And that might be one of the shocks about it, too.  While spouses might agree that there are problems in the relationship, at a certain point, at a certain age, some spouses think the marriage is no longer at risk. “You’ve grown into accepting the problems or ignoring the toxic marriage. Taking the marriage for granted, you are assuming you are “home free.”

Even the rich and famous cannot prevent a gray divorce, and that’s with all the prenups and postnups well enforced. Look at billionaire philanthropists Bill and Melinda Gates, who were married for 27 years before divorcing in 2021, and former Vice President Al Gore and his wife Tipper, who divorced in 1993 after 40 years. Neither of these couples knew they were going through a gray divorce, because the term was only devised later, after they separated.

Coined in 2022, the term “gray divorce” was used by Susan Brown, a sociology professor at Bowling Green State University. She was reacting to recent divorce statistics that reveal that while the divorce rate was going down in general, the only age group experiencing an increase was those aged 65 and older.

The 9 Signs That Yours is a Gray Divorce

We’ve discussed many symptoms of a gray divorce, but I’ll list them again so you can consider which ones apply to you and whether you’re at risk of or are already going through a gray divorce.

Here are the 9 signs of a gray divorce:

1. You are over 55, perhaps even over 65.
2. The two of you have been married for an extended period of time.
3. At least one of you, if not both, is bored in your current marriage.
4. One or both of you describe yourselves as having lost your identity.
5. Your children and their families don’t live with or near you anymore. 
6. Finances are becoming an issue, whether it’s because you’re not working or haven’t saved enough for your later years.
7. You have too much time on your hands since the kids moved away.
8. You have both been unhappy for a long time, which has led you to consider divorce.
9. You crave independence and more excitement.

There is Life After Gray Divorce

The most important step if you are thinking about divorce, facing it, dealing with it, or recovering from it, is to find support. 

Since our audience is women, we urge you and our sisters to investigate different divorce support groups so you can learn what your choices are for help. Ultimately, you are looking to feel normalized and guided on how to take care of yourself.  If you prefer to stay private and just work one-on-one with someone, be strategic and work with an experienced divorce coach who can help you focus on what must be done. Visit here if you wonder what divorce coaching is.

Whatever you do, you will want to get support for your emotions and also learn how to take the right action, how to protect yourself, and build your best future as an independent woman. For black and white steps to take, consult our divorce checklist for thinking women.

Want more divorce advice? Find a reason to get up in the morning besides your marriage or divorce story. As we get older, it’s easy to become lonely if we are no longer working or the kids have flown the coop. Volunteer somewhere and get outside your story. Reconnect with old friends and find ways to meet new ones.

Conclusion

One of the most important relationships in your life has come to an end or changed. But this doesn’t mean you must tackle everything at once or alone. Explore resources, get curious, roll your sleeves up, and get out of the house. Connect with other women like you and experts dedicated to helping you start afresh.

A gray divorce is a term that’s been around since 2022.  You don’t have to use that label. We know you’ve been around longer; you get to decide how you’ll frame this life transition and how you’ll kick start your now and your bigger tomorrow.

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa, with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon at sharpreston1234@gmail.com

 

If you’re dealing with a gray divorce, remember SAS for Women. Since 2012, we’ve been helping women consider, navigate, and rebuild after divorce.

Options include educational programs, divorce groups, free events, specialized coaching, and a free 6-month, weekly coaching letter dedicated to your journey. SAS for Women also provides a free website with 400+ articles focused on the woman’s journey through divorce.

Finding out how others survive and go on to lead full, meaningful lives after a divorce is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. Trust us.

Be connected and join our tribe now.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”