What is the Hardest Stage of Divorce?
So many of us never go through with the divorce, even though it’s what we really want. It can be one thing or a convergence of things that hold us back: we don’t have the courage, we prefer to live in denial, we focus on others, prioritizing their needs first, we’re not willing to make material sacrifices or change our lifestyle, or we are too afraid to do anything that derails the status quo, and instead, we keep putting one foot in front of the other (begrudgingly? Angrily? Resignedly? Sadly?). Other women may explain their not following through with a divorce differently: they don’t want to “break up the family”, “upset the children”, or they feel guilty for wanting out, when their husband is “a nice guy”.
For whatever reason or however it’s explained, the fact is, many women decide not to go through with divorce. And because these reasons on their own are so compelling, causing us to sacrifice our lives, this is why I believe contemplating divorce is the hardest divorce stage of all.
Getting Through the First Stage of Divorce
I lived in that beginning stage for years – contemplating divorce, pushing it away, thinking about it again. But again.
What cracked the stage, I think, or at least reinforced the decision I was increasingly leaning toward, was when I took my four-year-old to a psychologist to determine how she would cope with us if I separated from her father. (I was thinking about divorce more so than not). The psychologist told me that when she and my daughter played a fantasy game of ‘happy families’, my daughter only spoke about living with me, sleeping next to me, and interacting with me. There was no mention of her father at all.
Getting confirmation from an outsider, and in particular a professional I trusted, pushed me past just thinking about it, and honestly, it came as a relief. I know my body was taking a hit all those years thinking about divorce. And while I still had a big journey ahead of me (us) — I still had to tell her father and face his wrath, get through the legal process, and the splitting of our financial affairs –my body felt a tremendous relief that I was at last “doing something”. I had come to a decision, and now there was a “structure,” if you will, that I had to follow through with.
What Experts Say About the First Stage of Divorce
In another blog post I wrote for SAS, “What are the Different Stages of Divorce?”, I explored the work of Robert Taibbi, who describes the first stage of divorce as Shock. With 50 years of counseling experience, more than 300 articles, and 13 books on the subject, Taibbi believes that deciding to divorce and formally separating inevitably triggers shock. No matter which partner initiated the separation. It is a life-changing experience, and the shock affects everyone in the family.
But what about the stage leading up to verbalizing “I want a divorce”? The contemplative stage, when we are mostly talking to ourselves about it, and talking ourselves out of it?
The expert, Taibbi, doesn’t discuss that. For him, the first stage of divorce begins when someone says it aloud, not during the terrible, tormenting preamble leading up to it. I find this interesting and shocking in its own right. And I know SAS for Women does too, which is why they dedicate hundreds of contemplating divorce articles on their website, a website that is a veritable library for a woman to find herself in the many stages and mind-bending places of thinking about divorce, dealing with, and rebuilding after the crisis.
When Contemplating Divorce Becomes a Turning Point
As for me, I realized that, despite my fears of destroying my child’s confidence, upsetting the apple cart, and breaking up the family dynamic, I needn’t have worried. Our happy family involved just the two of us, leading a dysfunctional family life with an extremely troubled alcoholic. And something had to be done.
After I consulted the psychologist, I made up my mind that I was going to go through with the divorce. The consultation confirmed my decision. In her formative years, my little one didn’t see our living arrangement as unusual. As far as she was concerned, her mother sleeping with her in her bedroom was the norm. She felt safe, and so did her mother. The meeting with the professional was key.
This is why I know today, it’s so important to talk to somebody outside one’s mind, but to really get feedback from a professional, whether it’s a therapist, a lawyer, or to learn more about what divorce coaching is. A professional who has dealt with divorce can share another perspective of looking at the situation. You’ve got to tell yourself as you go into that meeting, you may not know a hundred percent if you should do it, but it’s time to learn more, so you can make the healthiest decision.
Some women have told me that it’s actually terrifying to consult with a professional. Somehow, doing so makes it more real and pushes the issue toward action. All I can say is that living with the constant question of “Should I divorce” is in itself real. And we have to brace ourselves for exploring it beyond Google or ChatGPT. We owe it to ourselves and our children.
What Does a Divorce Expert Say is the Hardest Stage of Divorce?
I asked educator and divorce recovery coach, Liza Caldwell, the founder of SAS for Women, and a divorced woman herself, what is the hardest stage of divorce? And her answer reassured something I had been feeling as I progressed with talking to still more women.
Liza said that it depends very much on the marriage story. It’s different for every woman, especially when a spouse initiates an unwanted divorce. But based on her research and experience supporting women, she agrees that the hardest stage is contemplating divorce. For those facing an unwanted divorce, there’s a risk of not accepting what your spouse has told you. Like women contemplating divorce, your body does not know if you are coming or going. “You are living in limbo, and your body feels torn,” Liza said. “We might convince ourselves that we’re playing it safe by avoiding a decision or action, but our body pays the price.”
Liza went on to explain that stress is genuinely impacting our systems. Our body wants us to get to a healthier place, but our mind and heart remain conflicted, ricocheting back and forth. ‘This stage is when I see women experiencing a lot of health issues, chronic anxiety, pain, and illness,’ because women keep deferring the decision.
What does she recommend to women who are facing a divorce initiated by their spouse?
“There’s no doubt that the body goes into a state of shock,” (ah, as Tabibbi said!),” but don’t bury your head in the sand, or revisit all the things that went wrong and how you might be to blame, you must take action. You can certainly explore if there’s any hope left in the marriage by proposing clear, specific things to see if the relationship can be rehabilitated … ask your spouse if they are willing to try marriage counseling or discernment counseling, but seek outside help. Yet, at the same time, you cannot just stay in that space of hopeful wishing. You must protect yourself and get educated on what your rights are and what you are entitled to in case the divorce carries through. You must remember, your spouse has been thinking about this for a certain time, and has been preparing ahead of you.”
Perhaps you’d like to read “Help! I am too Afraid to Divorce!” to feel normalized and to understand you are not alone?
Other Thoughts on What is the Hardest Stage of Divorce?
My friend Maisie, 52, from Chicago, said that, after the divorce, she kept wondering if the pain of divorce would ever go away. She kept going back to that decision to divorce for years. She kept questioning whether she’d done the right thing by initiating divorce, as her three sons, aged 12, 15, and 17, didn’t cope with the change until they had finished college. As their schoolfriends were a tight bunch, whose parents were all married, they were the odd ones out, and they felt that difference. They found feeling different painful, especially when they only had one parent cheering at football, tennis, or baseball games, and the other kids had both. (Maisie and her Ex, David, would take turns cheering in the wings.) That wasn’t what the kids wanted; they wanted to feel like the others.
When the boys attended college, they were amongst a diverse range of students, many of whom also had divorced parents. This knowledge somehow made it easier for them to cope. By chatting to new friends and finding out how they had handled their parents’ divorce, they finally accepted that this was a part of life, and of growing up. They were no longer different; they could talk to others who were in the same position and commiserate together.
When the Hardest Stage Comes After Separation
For Katie, 48, from San Diego, the first stage of divorce wasn’t the difficult one. Another stage, which happened for her about a year later, was when the troubles began. The divorce legal process was happening, but her kids were in denial, unwilling to accept that the divorce was going to happen. Her daughters, Abbi, 12, and Sadie, 14, firmly believed their parents would get back together. They didn’t understand that their parents had made the decision to divorce and that the family was already nearing the end of the process.
When Sylvie, their father’s girlfriend, moved in with him a year later, the girls realized a reconciliation wasn’t possible. Katie describes that time as a “living hell”. They acted up and refused to see their father. Their school grades suffered, and they were often tearful, moody, and difficult. Finally, Katie insisted they have counselling, and after six months, their lives slowly normalized again. Kids may live in hope that their parents will reconcile, but this isn’t what often happens.
Listen to another mother, who wants to share the truth about starting over at 45.
When Life After Divorce Brings New Challenges
For Minky, 60, she found the hardest stage of divorce was when the legal process was finished. She was a newly divorced independent woman, but she struggled with finding others, and in particular, floundered and felt unworthy when it came to dating. For Minky, having to go through the dating scene again, after being married for 27 years, was too much to handle. Like me, she never remarried, and although she’s made many new friends and has an active social life, she’s not interested in “the dating scene”. I am not sure if it’s because she doesn’t have the confidence, or whether, like me, she’s simply not interested. For me, my life is simply too big, interesting, with all the other things, work, and activities I do. I am not focused on finding “the Other,” and I am quite clear with myself about it.
But when I slow down and really think about this, I realize both Minky and I were leaving an abusive marriage. When I delved deeper, I think I do understand her feelings, as mine are similar. And I know that when I reached this stage of life after divorce, I also found it difficult to reconnect with someone after having spent so many years prior with my Ex in a toxic marriage.
If you are older, you may benefit from reading divorce advice from a woman of a certain age.
Conclusion
Just as there is no perfect life, there’s also no “easiest” stage of divorce. Perhaps, like San Antonio writer Dawn Dais says in her book, in which she discusses the different stages of divorce, that you experience all different stages “more than once”. In fact, Dais believes we can experience “multiple stages in one day”. This is why it’s difficult to say if there’s a hardest stage; all the stages are tough. Divorce is a process, and it’s extremely hard on everyone involved.
Seems logical, but after 28 years post-divorce, I can tell you without doubt: you will wake up one day smiling, knowing it’s all behind you and that you are finally listening to yourself without the internal conflict of second-guessing. You’ve done what you’ve had to do. It’s a question of taking action to get educated and looking at your situation from a new, empowered way.
NOTES
Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa, with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com
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