Why Do Women Initiate Divorce More Than Men?

Vive la Difference! Differences often form the very basis of what men and women find so attractive in each other in the first place. So, with this in mind, should it surprise us that more women than men choose to end their failing marriages? In this article, SAS explores the differences behind the statistics and asks the question: Why do women initiate divorce more than men?

Seeking Divorce: Gender Differences

Ask anyone, and the likelihood is they will say that it’s mostly women who file for divorce. However, it’s a good idea to verify this, after all, there are plenty of urban myths out there. The latest figures available to SAS indicate that in the US, women initiate divorce proceedings in 66% of cases. So, while public opinion is generally accurate in this instance, the figure was slightly lower than I expected. Just for the record, this figure has reportedly been as high as 75% in previous years, which could suggest a slight shift over time.

The figures are similarly reflected in the UK, with 65% of women taking the lead in divorcing their husbands. Curiously, statistics from Spain revealed that 18% of women filed for divorce, while men filed about 9.6% of cases. While the vast majority, 72.4%, were submitted jointly by both spouses.

Now that we’ve settled that, we can explore why women initiate divorce more often than men.

It’s About Time!

One hundred years ago, divorce was a relatively rare thing, so what changed? The liberation of women was a major factor. Pivotal events such as the women’s right to vote, industrialization, and the Second World War took women from their traditional roles as housewives and into the workplace. Thanks to these happenings, women achieved a certain independence and financial stability of their own—some might even argue that it is these self-same reasons that are partly to blame for much of the friction that today exists between married couples. As a result, women no longer felt entirely beholden to their husbands. This freedom gave them the confidence to leave dysfunctional marriages or partners who ignored their emotional needs.

This legacy still resounds today.

It’s no coincidence that the majority of women who initiate divorce come from highly educated backgrounds with better-paid jobs and hence are financially sound and better able to take care of themselves and their children.

On the flipside, could it also be that men’s traditional role as the breadwinner somehow subconsciously dupes some into thinking they’re indispensable? Not doing their fair share of household chores, emotionally tuned-out, and perhaps taking their wives for granted, leading them not to give their all within the marriage relationship, are common reasons that women cite as cause for divorce today.

Expectations Vs. Reality

Remember, women often have stronger emotional awareness than men. This difference may explain why many feel optimistic that a new partner—or even being on their own—will fulfill their emotional needs. The natural inclination to share one’s emotions can feel burdensome when these feelings aren’t supported and reciprocated, which can often lead to dissatisfaction and ultimately exhaustion once the honeymoon period is over.

Despite the advancement of women’s place in society, by and large, they still perform the lion’s share of being a homemaker and caring for children—a full-time job in itself! In this increasingly complex world in which we live, such responsibilities can seem overwhelming, causing dissatisfaction with the marriage arrangement and a feeling of relationship claustrophobia, ultimately leading women to initiate divorce.

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If you are in that place, consider reading “Telling Your Husband You Want a Divorce When He Doesn’t.”

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A Friend in Need

Another factor to consider is the differences between the kind of friendships that men and women cultivate. The consensus is that women have a larger circle of close friends than do men. As such, they enjoy a better support network to talk through any marital issues or even seek divorce advice. And if the worst comes to the worst, there’s a greater number of shoulders to cry on to help women in their divorce recovery and the rebuilding of their lives.

Men, on the other hand, may feel they have more to lose as a result of divorce and hence are more reluctant to choose that option. It isn’t just a feeling of losing out on things like custody of the children, but financially too. There’s an old joke I heard some years back which humorously makes the point: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows—they never get to keep the house anyway! 

It has also been reported that men suffer more acute mental anguish than women following the initial effects of a divorce, with higher cases of loneliness.  Little wonder many men don’t seek to begin divorce proceedings.

Yet Another Reason Why Women Initiate Divorce More

Another suggested reason why women throw in the towel is the desire for resolution. When a married couple decides to separate, it’s generally accepted that it’s business as usual for men. Guys quite often seem reasonably content with the status quo and are more than happy to bumble along regardless, whereas women feel more of a need to finalize things in their life after divorce by drawing a line in the sand, and knowing for sure exactly where they stand.

This isn’t just important for one’s peace of mind, but for practical reasons too. Once a divorce has been filed, the financial side of things can start to be processed, putting some welcome stability and sureness back into one’s future. For men, it’s a little different; the catalyst for initiating divorce is often meeting a new partner or perhaps a pressing need to iron out any money concerns.

Does It Matter Who Initiates Divorce?

You might be wondering if there are any advantages to being the one to initiate a divorce. While there are no guarantees, here are a few things to consider. 

1. By initiating divorce, you will no longer be invisible, and importantly, you’ll take back an element of control. You will be the plaintiff, and your spouse will be the defendant, an arrangement which allows you to have the first and final word (legally).
2. By filing first, you’ve had time not only to prepare mentally and emotionally, but also practically by getting your accounts and necessary documents in order before the proceedings get underway. You also have the advantage of surprise and can decide such things as when the papers are filed, putting the ball firmly in your Soon-to-Be-Ex’s court.
3. Initiating divorce can put some much-needed control and order back into one’s life, a powerful boost to your self-confidence.
4. As for it giving you a legal tactical advantage, it’s unlikely, but you should always discuss your situation and become informed about your rights by having a private consultation with a lawyer. Add this question to your list of questions to ask a divorce attorney at a consultation.

Conclusion

While every case is unique and there are many varied and complex reasons for divorce not discussed in this article, we hope that this has at least gone some way in helping to explain the reasons why women are most likely to initiate divorce proceedings. When the only answer to preserving one’s sanity is to sever the marriage ties, remember to make the most of your support network and ally yourself with educators.  Take full advantage of coaching platforms offering free divorce support and solutions like SAS for Women.

NOTES

For women thinking about … or beginning the divorce process, you’ll want to consider Annie’s Group, our signature, 3-month group coaching program for thoughtful women wanting an education, community, and guidance for learning what is possible for their life. Whether it’s an annulment, separation, or divorce, commit to discovering what is true and what will be the healthiest path for you and everyone.

Check out Annie Group here.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”