Will the Kids Be All Right? Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Children

If you are a mother and facing divorce, chances are you worry a good deal about your kids and how — or IF — they will survive the crisis. You might observe how they are showing up now, what their behavior is currently like, from school reports, or inside the nucleus of your home. But you wonder what will happen during the divorce legal process, when things become real, and further, what will be the long-term effects of divorce on your children? Will doing what you must do forever scar them?

I understand you.  At every stage of the divorce process —thinking about divorce, then when I had to do it, to right up through and beyond, “I’ve signed the divorce papers, but I still feel like I’m going crazy”— I worried about my decision, my actions, and the effects of divorce on my kids. How were they going to cope?

Exploring the Effects of Divorce on Children

When thinking about divorce, I was fixated on my girls. Their well-being was the single most important factor in whether I would go through with it.  Never mind that I was falling apart, emotionally, physically, and mentally. I was willing to forget all of that.  I had to find out the negative effects of divorce on children. I was sure there would be a lot.

In a detached “social scientist” kind of way, I polled various friends and acquaintances (discreetly) who were children of divorce, asking them about their divorce experience.

• Did they feel okay today? 
• Did they think of themselves as reasonably adjusted? 
• How screwed up were they because of their parents’ split?

What I learned was that everyone had mixed feelings about the ordeal. 

For example, one twenty-something female friend said that her parents’ divorce “was not even an issue.” (There was “no divorce effect on children”, I noted to myself – hoping, delusionally.) Another man in his forties still sounded tired. “There was so much fighting,” he said, “I wish they had done it earlier.” Others were more emotional. An old friend I went to college with was still living inside the divorce wound. She appeared personally hurt (as if I was betraying her) when I divulged that I was considering divorce and needed to know how she felt today. She replied coolly, “I am still scarred.” It may have happened more than thirty years earlier, but, as she told me, she was still not willing to “forgive her parents.”

Asking the Professional Community About the Long-Term Effects of Divorce on Kids

When I met with my doctors and therapist, I asked what their professional experience with divorce amongst their patients. I knew I could discuss this issue with each of them because our relationship was confidential.  “From what you have observed about your patients, what have you learned about the impact of divorce on kids?” But, again, there were no clear-cut answers. The uniform professional response was that they had seen both good and damaging results regarding divorce.

However, there was a common thread that united everyone I spoke with. In one way or another, they encouraged me to reflect on the issue of conflict.

How much conflict is Too Much?

And how do you measure conflict?  I wondered. At this point, I was preoccupied the current conflict within our home.

We all know that no two people always agree in any relationship, but at what point does the number of disagreements cross the line?

In our toxic marriage, my husband and I could never resolve our conflicts. So, as we considered getting a divorce, our fighting continued to grow. How could we do the impossible and resolve our conflict about not resolving our conflicts?

When Conflict Becomes the Constant

These endless conversations with myself and those I trusted, at various times, had me consulting Google, too, in a process I now know very well as a divorce professional.  I was overthinking everything, if and when to leave my husband.  But in my single-minded quest for clarity, I just didn’t know that then.

I decided to investigate conflict and the academics’ work on the long-term studies of divorce effects on children.

What the Research Says About Divorce and Kids

Even among the few clinical longitudinal studies available, conclusions about divorce and children vary widely.

The work of two better-known researchers, Judith Wallerstein and E. Mavis Hetherington, seems at odds.  In The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: The 25-Year Landmark Study (2001), Wallerstein reports the negative effects of divorce on children. In For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered (2003), Hetherington says that not all kids fare so severely and that divorce can actually help children living in high-conflict homes.

Seemingly oppositional, these studies also remain controversial for their methodologies.  They compare “children of divorced parents” to kids whose parents “did not divorce.” The first group is never compared to those kids whose “parents almost divorced,” or those whose parents “kept it together but fought every day,” or those whose parents never fought.  It’s a flawed comparison.  It reveals only that being part of a happy family is better than being part of an unhappy one.

What is especially strange and surprising is that, as much as divorce is a reality in American society, social science has yet to figure out a way to measure the nuances of divorce on our lives.

To some extent, Wallerstein and Hetherington agree on one thing, as do all the studies and serious commentaries ranging from scholarly work to the more legitimate blogs to parenting magazines: divorce is bad.  Divorce is a stressor that poses short and long-term risks.

But living in an unhealthy household is also bad. And conflict is not just about the atmosphere inside the house before divorce. It also plays a role in the ongoing relationship between the parents/coparents, and thus, the kids, after divorce.

Learning from Experience

What I have learned from my divorce and subsequent divorce recovery work with divorced moms is that the long-term effects of divorce on children generally depend on the nature of the divorce and how the parents actually break up – that is, the amount of conflict experienced by the kids. A peaceful divorce, or at least a more amicable divorce, will negatively impact your kids less than a high-conflict divorce.

Conflict includes all of our negative words and actions during the divorce process – and afterward.

The hurtful words shared between fighting parents and the ongoing acrimony between them (even after divorce) are the leading cause of unhappiness in children of divorce.  What this means is we must be mindful of how our words impact our kids and, as parents, hold ourselves accountable for our comments and actions.

We have the power to send a negative or positive message to our kids throughout the process, and importantly, afterward.

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For smart, healthy steps to take right now, dealing with divorce, read our modern woman’s divorce checklist.

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You’ve heard that “children are like sponges.” They can soak in all of their parents’ feelings and emotions. And while you would never intend to send your kids a negative or wrong message, your actions toward their other parent might say otherwise.

Look at Yourself First (Steps to Take)

You are your kids’ biggest role model and influence.

Even if not outright, your children will observe how you’ve handled this crisis.  You will need to be mindful of your behavior and how it will impact their recovery. Don’t look to others for how the divorce played out for their kids. Instead, focus on yourself, your family, and your goal to do this in the healthiest way. Seek support for yourself through therapy or learn what divorce coaching is.

Suggestion 1

It will likely be difficult for your kids to grasp the concept of divorce fully. You must emphasize that the divorce is not your kids’ fault. You can help mitigate the negative effects of divorce by being open and available for their emotions and questions. As one client told me recently, her daughter is experiencing increased anxiety due to the separation.  As a perceptive, loving mom, my client recognizes her daughter didn’t just need verbal reassurance; she also needed the extra hug.

Suggestion 2

You will do anything and everything to ensure your kids are supported through the process. However, sometimes, they need support beyond what you can give. They might benefit from the help of a therapist or counselor to process their emotions and any sense of guilt surrounding the divorce.

Suggestion 3

Above all, show your children that you are still a family, no matter how you define your marital status. Your kids need a good and present parent now more than ever. If you are coparenting with a narcissist, it will be on you to show your children a healthier reality than what they are experiencing with their other parent. It can be lonely for you, so explore various divorce support groups that might make you feel normalized and build you up.

This is your chance to start fresh and rebuild, and to show your children there is a healthier way to live. How you show up today and tomorrow matters – don’t underestimate your own power!

NOTES

If you are thinking about divorce, one thing we see making a significant difference for women is the conscious choice not to do it alone.

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to guide them through the emotional, financial, and practical experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

SAS offers all women six free months of email coaching, smart steps, action plans, checklists, and support strategies for you — and your precious future . Join our tribe and stay connected.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”