13 Reasons Why Men Stay Married in Unhappy Marriages

There’s good news and bad news about why men stay married. The good news is that with a well-run household and the wife’s contribution to the family budget, the husband is highly unlikely to leave. The bad news is that it isn’t necessarily out of love or even gratitude.

Before I went through my own divorce and started noticing divorce dynamics around me, I admittedly had many misconceptions and, hence, surprises about marriage and divorce.

I grew up assuming that women are more interested in staying married while men are more apt to leave. I based it on the belief that men are often primary breadwinners, and many wives stay with their husbands for financial security first and love second. After all, both of my grandmothers implied that if they had been sure of having real estate and a means to live on in case of a divorce, they would have considered divorce during difficult times in their marriages.

The surprise came when my Ex resisted separating from me even after our official divorce document was signed, some 6 years ago. He opposed sleeping in separate bedrooms while waiting for the sale of the apartment. He bitterly resisted the actual sale. He said that separation wasn’t in his interest, even though he was already seeing someone else.

Later, I found out that such resistance is common; it may even defy logic.

Why Do Men Stay Married in Loveless Marriages?

The American Sociological Association explains that today, traditional and official marriage remains more favorable to men than women. Even with times having changed, married men still do less than their share of domestic chores and childcare, yet make unilateral financial decisions regarding property or savings.

So, in general, men have it better than women in marriage. Which is why the following makes sense.

According to the ASA, since the 1940s, women have made up the majority of divorce initiators. Today, the discrepancy is 69% women and 31% men in the USA, and 63% women to 37% men in the UK, according to the UK’s Office of National Statistics.

So my assumptions about women preferring to stay married for financial security were outdated by some 85 years.

The 2 Big Reasons Why Men Stay Married in Unhappy Marriages and Initiate Divorce Less Than Women

Reason 1:  Money.

Let’s go back to the books of Jane Austen. Men who were nice-looking, amiable, and in love with the main heroine at some point preferred to marry a woman whom they didn’t love but who had a fortune.

Today, we know men who benefit from their wives’ fortunes, family connections, and inheritance. There is also the rise of the female breadwinner in many Western countries. In the U.S., for example, during the past years, the number of women earning more or the same as men has been constantly rising, reaching ¼  to 1/3 of all households.

Reason 2:  Also, the Money. It’s the financial cost of divorce.

Some men stay in loveless marriages because of the rising cost of divorce and its separation of wealth. For example, an increase in interest rates can make it hard for a couple to sell the marital home and split the proceeds to then buy something for each one. Interest rate hikes reduce the overall net worth available to divide between divorcing couples in other areas, like investment accounts, business valuations, and retirement funds.

This idea is well encapsulated by what one woman I know said. She told me she had once overheard her husband bemoaning to his golf buddies that being married to the “ball and chain” was something he had come to terms with. “It was cheaper to keep her.” That overheard message kept the woman frightened, alone, and in a place of believing she could never afford to divorce or leave the unhappy marriage, until she got the nerve to join Annie’s Group and investigate the reality and what her healthiest financial split would be.

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You may want to read “How Can I Afford to Live Alone After Divorce?”

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Why Else Do Men Stay Married to Women They Don’t Love?

Okay, dear Reader, full disclosure: while investigating why men stay married in bad marriages, it was hard to find data on other reasons beyond economic ones. I’d like to joke that it must have been men who created the studies examining the question — for seemingly, it’s only financial figures that matter.

But I won’t. 

So, to flesh out the story and explore what else keeps a man married, unhappily so, I turned to my social group and family members. Never ones to disappoint, this is what they came up with based on real-life experiences.

11 More Reasons Why Men Stay Married in Unhappy Marriages

Children

Kids are the main reason keeping unhappily married men married. Men may choose to stay in a room-mate relationship, or an unhappy, or even a toxic marriage, so as not to upset their relationship with their children. Either not to hurt them or to avoid losing access to them. If you relate, read about the long-term effects of divorce on children.

Convention

Being married is “normal” for many men. If their parents and grandparents were married, their friends are married, and they are more likely to stay married regardless of being happy or not being happy. 

Access to Sex

We know sex is powerful, and not having it impacts people differently. Maybe sex is the only good thing about the relationship? In which case, do both partners agree? Sometimes, too, unhappily married men stay married if they have issues with sex. They may be scared of trying it with any other woman if it works with their wife, even without love.

Inertia

“They are lazy,” says my father. “Even if they are not really happy, they won’t initiate any change.” A friend’s husband echoed this same thought, insisting that meeting a woman, getting married, creating a family, having kids, and setting up a home is big work for a man, and even the thought of going through it all again “is burdensome,” he said.

Low Expectations

Some unhappily married men stay married because they are not looking for happiness in a marriage. Being unhappily married is quite normal for them. Just like his parents were unhappily married, perhaps. They go along with the status quo because they don’t know or expect otherwise.

Creature Comforts

Even an unhappy marriage can provide comfort, a home, meals, and maybe, regular sex. “Men hate doing their own laundry,” says my distant cousin, as a way of distilling the whole notion. Elsewhere, a colleague told me of her brother, who left his unhappy marriage and was ready for a divorce. Until Thursday, when his wife traditionally cooked tacos. He came back home on Thursday, they had dinner and sex, and decided to stay together. He announced that they have patched things up. But no conversation took place, and no compromise on the differences was reached. 

Status, Profile, and Power

Men may stay married for professional status and profile. Many companies would promote a married man over a single or a divorced man.  Then, of course, there’s the type of unhappily married man who likes to have both a wife for status and stability and a mistress for sex and fun. Being unhappily married gives this kind of man a narrative to attract women out of pity. But being married saves them from committing to the mistress.

Reliable Caregiving System in Place

An elderly male friend once confessed that he was seriously thinking about divorce, but stayed married after a health scare. “At my age, I need to think of who can take me to the hospital when something goes wrong,” he explained. Oh, All Nurses (With or Without Purses) Unite! Ask yourselves, who is going to look after YOU and your needs down the road?

Stubbornness

Men can stay unhappily married to avoid admitting that they made the wrong choice. Divorce is synonymous with failure or defeat for some “Win/Lose” Types.

Religious

Divorce is not acceptable within their belief system.

Fear

Divorce means change. And change is frightening. Many men stay married, preferring the devil they know over the devil they don’t know: Change.

To conclude, I would say that men stay married to women they don’t love for exactly the same reasons that some people have always stayed unhappily married in traditional societies: to maintain a comfortable home, access to the spouse’s and marital wealth and resources, children shared, legitimate, regular sex, convention, respectability, religious, and even, perhaps, moral standing in society.

How Much Is It a Problem That Men Stay Married to Women They Don’t Love?

Where are women in all of this?

How much is it a problem for women to be married to men who don’t love them?  What are their choices?

In many cases, women stay in a loveless marriage out of financial comfort as much as men do. Staying together for the sake of status, kids, religion, lifestyle, or to avoid high divorce costs can be an individual or mutually conscious decision.

In other cases, women are being used without being loved, compensated, or even thanked. There’s a power differential. Meaning, women are manipulated, financially, emotionally, or psychologically bullied, and even abused in these unhappy marriages. Read “Leaving an Abusive Marriage? There are Steps to Take First”.

It was two women who recently shared with me their stories that ultimately inspired me to write this piece – that their partners have not had paying jobs for many years, nor have they had sex. The husbands guilt-trip them into continuing to pay, insist on having nowhere else to go, and even ask to forge documents so it looks like the husband is looking for work or out of the country. A third woman I met had her Ex-husband knock on the door years after their divorce, not asking for forgiveness, a second chance, or proclaiming love, but wanting “his life back.”

It takes courage and strength to draw boundaries and insist on one’s own priorities.

• If you know your husband is staying married for the wrong reasons, or you are …
• Or you are thinking about divorce, facing it, or wondering what’s possible for you.

Here are 4 Suggestions to Help You Look at Your Marriage Reality

1. Stop drinking the Kool-Aid. Get educated separately on what is objectively true for you as the woman and wife in this marriage. This means not relying on what your husband says is “reality” and what would happen if you tried to divorce.
2. Meet with a divorce attorney near you to hear what your rights are, what you are entitled to, and what the law says for real.  Read “Questions to Ask a Divorce Attorney at a Consultation.”
3. Building on what you learn from a lawyer, discover if you can afford to divorce today. If you cannot, what must you do, what must you make in terms of income, to be able to afford to divorce down the road?
4. For more steps to take quietly to educate and empower yourself, schedule a free, private 15-minute consultation with SAS for Women. We are educators, divorce coaches, and best of all, divorced women who see you. Visit here.

NOTES

Anna Ivanova-Galitsina is a PR consultant who recently moved to Dubai and is carving out her new life and career in the UAE. She has two almost grown-up boys and is full of optimism in a new relationship after her divorce. She can be reached at anna@ivanova-galitsina.com

 

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”