Advice from a NYC Divorce Attorney: How to build a good relationship with your Divorce Lawyer
All relationships in life are complicated. The one with your divorce attorney should not be. There are specific ways to ensure a respectful, productive relationship with your divorce lawyer in New York or anywhere else. Doing so helps manage expectations and resolve your case as advantageously as possible. As a divorce attorney in New York City, I’d like to share them with you in a quick, simple way.
Advice from a NYC Divorce Attorney: 5 Tips for Building a Good Relationship with Your Lawyer
Be Honest and Disclose Everything
No attorney wants to start negotiating on your behalf, or go to court and be blindsided for the first time by something your spouse’s counsel disclosed. Ensure this does not happen by answering your attorney’s questions candidly and fully as early as possible. (Example: Your attorney does not want to learn about your cocaine addiction after you have been requesting sole physical and legal custody of an infant.) While this is an extreme case, there is no retroactive “damage control” that can resolve serious concerns like an attorney not being timely informed of substance abuse issues. Be honest, and remember, everything you discuss and share with your lawyer is confidential, but they need to know the Truth.
To the extent that you can think strategically and underscore the most important points that you want prioritized, mention those points to your attorney first.
Do not lie, exaggerate, or withhold information, even if it makes you look bad. If the other side knows about it, it will likely come out during negotiations or in court. Being honest about a negative situation and strategically knowing how to position it ahead of time is key during litigation. This is especially true if matters become contentious.
Clients who are organized, articulate, and knowledgeable make an attorney’s life a lot easier.
This translates to fewer billable hours. If an attorney or their administrative staff needs to spend many hours scouring to find basic information or access documents that you should have in your possession, you are wasting their time and your legal fees. If you do not know basic financial information regarding your life, learn the information or get help outside of your lawyer’s office. You should know whether your name is on a lease, deed, or mortgage and how much you contribute towards basic living expenses and debts. If you do not know this information, consider enlisting a close family member or trusted friend who can help educate you about financial matters that you do not understand. If you can afford it, you may also want to hire a financial planner who will set you up for financial success in your life after divorce.
Control Freaks Not Wanted
One of the hardest parts about the divorce process is understanding that you are giving up a certain degree of control. If you do not pursue divorce mediation or engage in alternative dispute resolution (ADR), this is imperative to understand. There is a process that happens in a divorce and a timeline that may not necessarily match what you envisioned. This is because there is another side in the process that is also advocating for their best interests and needs. If your case goes before a judge or referee, there will be a timeline of tasks that must be accomplished by a certain date. (Preliminary conference, discovery exchange, compliance conference, depositions, pre-trial conference, and sometimes even a trial if your divorce case cannot settle.)
Understanding that you cannot control everything that happens during a divorce and the exact timeline of a divorce is essential.
The earlier that you learn this, the better it is for your sanity. For cases that are litigated, the Court has many other cases besides yours where decisions need to be made. It is not uncommon for the divorce process from commencement to resolution to move more slowly than you wish. (If the Court is involved, best best-case scenario is usually a few months, and the worst-case scenario can be many years.) Some contentious cases in New York City with extremely wealthy litigants have been known to take a decade.
Remember that there are other people involved in the divorce besides yourself. Children may need to be considered.
In cases without children, your soon-to-be Ex-spouse has an agenda of their own, which usually does not match with your goals. Your spouse may have an attorney who is busy, lazy, or difficult. This will impact the difficulty of the divorce process for you, your attorney, and the timeline that it takes towards a resolution.
Be Polite and Respectful
Just like you expect your attorney to treat you with courtesy, you should do the same. Your attorney is a professional who has undergone a lot of schooling and training to practice law. Do not yell at them or act like a hot head. While attorneys understand that divorce is a very stressful time and people are frequently acting on emotions, the more that you can rein in the emotions, the better! Many clients vent to their divorce attorneys and treat them like personal therapists. That gets expensive and time-consuming. Lawyers are not therapists. They are not friends or family. Instead, they are a professional you hired to resolve your divorce.
- For emotional, logistical, and practical support, investigate divorce support groups near you or online.
- What is divorce coaching? Learn about it as a way of staying tethered and forward-moving.
Consider reading, “What Should I Do to Leave My Husband?”
Be Flexible and Understand that the Divorce Process and Litigation have a Rhythm and Flow
If your attorney reaches out to you via email or phone, return their call or email quickly. They are not calling because they want to chat. Instead, they may need information from you or require your review, feedback, or signature on a document or agreement. They may also need to have an important strategy conversation. Have the common courtesy to check your email, text messages, and phone calls daily. It’s in YOUR interest. The divorce process can feel like a business endeavor. Treat it like such. Timely respond to your attorney. It is not the firm’s responsibility to chase you down. Many firms will terminate clients for being unresponsive.
The brutal truth is that your attorney is busy with multiple cases and deadlines.
Your case may not always be the top priority. This is not because your attorney does not care, but because they must triage their caseload based on urgency. Emergencies involving allegations of child abuse and neglect are prioritized over cases without exigent circumstances. Attorneys are focused first on big deadlines and putting out any necessary fires.
Attorneys are usually most concerned with court dates, trial dates, deposition dates, deadlines on motions, discovery deadlines, and preparing for court appearances. If your case is not in active litigation, things may move at a slower pace than you would like. Again, it is not because your attorney is not doing the work on your case; it is because they are juggling tasks with urgent deadlines first.
If you are feeling unseen as an older woman, facing divorce, you may wish to know you are one of many, and that you are indeed not alone. Read What is Gray Divorce? 9 Signs It’s Yours.”
Pay your Legal Bills on Time
It is not fun working with an attorney who is mad at you because you have not timely paid your legal bills and are carrying a large balance. This is especially true for solo practitioners who have extensive overhead and cannot absorb monetary losses in the same way that a larger law firm may be able. Understand how your attorney’s firm structure works and how it exists as a business in comparison to other firms.
If you are having financial difficulties, let your attorney know and negotiate a payment plan. If so, stick to said payment plan. Pay your bills on time, or understand that an attorney and firm may consider dropping you as a client. In all Retainer Agreements, there is a provision for attorneys to terminate their relationship with clients, just as there is a similar provision allowing clients to discharge an attorney. The code word is “irretrievable breakdown in the attorney-client” relationship, and the unspoken reality is that it frequently has to deal with outstanding monetary issues.
Lastly, if you had a positive experience with your divorce attorney, let them know. Consider leaving them a positive Google review or making a referral.
NOTES
A zealous advocate for her clients, Meredith L. Singer is an experienced NYC divorce attorney who strives to keep legal representation affordable and accessible.
If you live in New York City or Brooklyn, schedule your free 15-minute consultation with Meredith by emailing her at meredithsingerlaw@gmail.com.
You can also visit her website here.
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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”
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