How to Avoid Gray Divorce Regrets

When I finally left my marriage, my mom didn’t hug me or say I’d made the right choice.  She just looked at me and said, “You wasted the best years of your life on him.”  It stung, but if I’m honest, she wasn’t wrong.

I don’t regret leaving.  What I regret is how long I stayed.  All those years, I wasn’t really living.  I was waiting.  Waiting for him to change, waiting for life to settle, waiting for all the effort I poured into the relationship to actually mean or convert to something.  It never did.

Looking back, I wonder what life might have been like if I’d left earlier.  Maybe I would have had the energy to move somewhere new, or finally build a career that felt like mine.  Maybe I just would have had more time to feel lighter and more myself.

Now that my daughter is grown and out of the house, living her life, I can finally say it without hesitation:

I spent too many years trying to keep a marriage alive that had been gone for a long time.

When I look back at what I was thinking and feeling in that toxic dance of a marriage, in the stage before I decided to divorce, I see now that the only thing that got me through some nights was imagining a life on the Other Side.  I’d picture a quiet apartment, mornings where I could make coffee without bracing for tension, and the relief of not holding my breath every time the garage door opened.

Those daydreams kept me afloat until they didn’t, and I finally made a move.  If you’re wondering if it’s better to wait until the kids are older or until things “calm down,” I’ll tell you what I wish someone told me:

Waiting rarely helps.  More often, those years just become time you wish you had back.

A Particular Gray Divorce Regret

Almost every woman I’ve met who’s reinventing her life after a gray divorce has said some version of the same thing: “I wish I had done it sooner.”  The reasons we stay always make sense in the moment.  The kids.  The need for stability.  Fear of what comes next.  The hope that the good days might circle back.  But when it’s all over, most of us can admit those extra years weren’t happy ones.  They were just years of getting by, waiting for something that wasn’t coming.

If I could talk to the me who was still debating, I’d tell her there is no perfect moment to leave.

You either keep going through the motions or you decide to start living differently.  Waiting won’t make the decision easier.  It just leaves you with fewer years to build something new.

Speaking of a gray divorce, can we name what else is in the room? 

Even if you are peri or post, you may be interested in reading about menopause and divorce.

The Money Thing

Carrie, 52, divorced after twenty years, told me the divorce itself wasn’t what she regretted.  What she regrets is how quickly she signed everything just to be finished with it.  She wanted out!

“Bob didn’t have much saved at the time,” she said, “but his income went up later.  If I’d gotten another lawyer to review my agreement, maybe I could have included something about future income. Or maybe I might have thought about leaving later.”

SAS divorce advice: It’s always important to investigate whether you can afford to divorce, and if you can, what would be the best financial plays for you before you rush through a divorce agreement.

Check out our article: “Smart Moves for Women: A Financial Consultation for a Divorce.”

“I didn’t get a second opinion from another lawyer. That’s a gray divorce regret. And now I can’t change it.”

I understand why people rush through a divorce.  You’re tired, and every meeting feels like a stirring of the wound.  But slowing down, even when it feels endless, can save you years of frustration later.  Sometimes taking more time is what actually helps you move forward in peace.

When You Still Love Them

Not every gray divorce regret is about money.  Some come from still loving the person who leaves. If you identify and wonder will the pain of divorce ever go away? You are not alone …

Sally, 64, said she never saw it coming when Steve, her husband of thirty years, walked away.  She thought the late nights were just part of his job.  When it was over, she lost more than her marriage.  The house was in his name, the dogs stayed with him, and even years later, though she met someone new, she never remarried.  “Part of me is still broken,” she told me.  “When he got remarried, it felt like I lost everything all over again.”

Learn what steps to take in your divorce recovery. Because staying broken is not an option.

Your Kids Might Still Struggle

A lot of people think divorce is easier on kids once they’re adults, but it doesn’t always work that way.

Alisha, 55, said her twin sons, both living in New York, were completely blindsided when she and Towson split after almost three decades.  “They thought we were fine,” she told me.  “They didn’t see the late-night arguments or how Towson’s mood changed when his knee injury forced him to give up basketball.  They didn’t know how tense every dinner became when his doctor put him on that strict diet.  To them, it all just seemed like normal married life.”

For them, the divorce was like realizing the family story they’d believed wasn’t the full picture.  Even as adults, that can shake you. Lesson learned?

Don’t assume anything about your kids and their reactions to the divorce.  Their recovery will be different than yours and will probably ebb and flow. Stay open to their questions but don’t lose sight of the fact that you are their parent regardless of their age and some things may or may not be appropriate to talk to them about.

Drifting Without Noticing

A lot of women I’ve spoken to say the same thing.  The kids move out, the routines disappear, and then one day they realize there’s almost nothing left between them and their husband.  Not fighting.  Not passion.  Just two people filling up their days with their own things, hardly crossing paths.

For many, that’s when it finally hits.  Not because something dramatic happened, but because there’s simply nothing holding the relationship together anymore.

If You’re Here Right Now

Divorce later in life can feel heavy, I won’t pretend it’s easy.  But staying in a marriage that drains you doesn’t protect you from the pain.  It just stretches it out and steals more time from you.

Some marriages can be repaired.  Some can’t.  Waiting usually doesn’t change which kind you’re in.

If you’re on the fence, talk to someone who understands divorce and the crossroads you are at. I recommend a divorce coach — someone who is not going to push you but help you learn things you could be doing now to support yourself – no matter how you are feeling on the subject of independence.

You are welcome to schedule a free consultation with SAS for Women. Other divorce coaches will likely give you a free consultation too.

A divorce coach may be able to help you find a divorce attorney, because learning about the legal process and the economics behind it is a key piece to the decision making, too. You might wish to read this SAS article on how to find a good divorce attorney.

Don’t Forget

Consult with yourself.

Let yourself imagine a life where you wake up without that constant weight on your chest.  It doesn’t need to be perfect to be better.  The first step to get educated is always the hardest, but taking it sooner means you get back something you can’t replace: the chance to make the years ahead feel like they belong to you.

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa, with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com

 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional and oftentimes complicated experience of divorce and reinvention. 

We invite you to learn what’s possible for you — and your precious life. 

Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS and choose not to go it alone.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”