How to Handle Divorce as a Woman

I know about hindsight – that feeling that if I’d known, I could have tackled a situation so much better. This guide on how to handle divorce as a woman will give you critical information upfront so that, after the fact, you don’t need to wonder what it could have been like if only you’d known. As a divorced mom, I am culling lessons from my own divorce struggles and also insights from the current research on the topic. My goal is to not only prepare you and help see you through your divorce (if you must) but also set you up for your best life afterward.

When Divorce Smacks You in the Face

Sometimes, divorce comes out of nowhere. Whatever tipped me over the edge happened in an instant and changed my life forever. When I got up that morning, I had no idea I wouldn’t be sleeping in my house that night. But that’s what we know about life… it can change in a single moment.

Even though I initiated the divorce, things happened that I wasn’t prepared for. I hadn’t known that my Ex would be blind drunk and hit me while I was holding our four-year-old. 

When life does a 180-degree turn, nobody is ready. But you learn to roll with the punches because you have no choice. Or in some cases, avoid the punches, if you’re lucky. I did!

When Divorce Isn’t Your Decision

Sometimes, the divorce is a surprise because it’s not your decision. This is when your Ex makes the decision, and you have no idea, or you knew it was coming deep down but were in denial.

Janey, 61, from Chicago, had an awful experience a few years ago. It was the night before Christmas Eve, she was lying in bed when her husband came home late from work and told her he was leaving her and moving in with a work colleague who was his lover. Janey had had no inkling this was going to happen. She was in total shock. Her husband packed a bag and left, and the quiet Christmas festivities they had planned together fell by the wayside. Gone.

Regardless of how divorce creeps up on you or hits you full-on, the after-effects linger. Janey hasn’t recovered a decade later. I was different. I recovered in a year or two. In the beginning, and because I initiated the divorce, I used to say to myself, I wanted the divorce, so why am I so sad?

But what I’ve learned since is that no matter how divorce befalls you, there is a grieving period that happens sometimes during the process and more often later on in your recovery.  You may not be missing your Ex so much as you are the familiar patterns you had together in that old chapter, or that cushier lifestyle, or the friends you had and who have suddenly disappeared.  Divorce is about loss. How well you emerge from your divorce recovery depends on how much work you do to help yourself heal. How much healing is required is dependent on the person and her marriage story, and also how resilient or traumatized you are.

Even if you aren’t traumatized by your divorce, the effects of being single after having been part of a couple can reverberate for a long time.

So one of the first things I want to share in terms of divorce advice is that I want you prepared for this divorce recovery stage. It’s not just about getting through the legal and financial process. The bigger work is how you will recover from the divorce crisis emotionally as a woman and who you want to be after the divorce.

Handling the Divorce Nitty Gritty

As for the actual divorce… The ground rules differ depending on the reasons for your divorce, what state you live in as divorce laws vary from state to state, and who’s divorcing whom and why. If you both had a mutual decision, it can be harder – or easier – depending on the circumstances. When one of you initiates the divorce, the other partner feels like they’ve lost control.

So what do you do if your husband leaves you? This wasn’t your decision; you may not be ready to tackle separation, and if the ending is inevitable, the balance of power isn’t yours. As much as you may be emotionally reeling from the news and shock, I implore you to get help from a therapist or divorce coach to support your feelings.  You deserve that. But I also beg you to not stay in this strictly emotional space trying to process what brought you to this crisis. You must also lean into action that focuses on protecting you.

Your emotional recovery is important, and you need support for that. But you can’t leave yourself open and vulnerable to what your spouse may be planning.

When it comes to a divorce, the devil is in the details. Make sure you are doing things to protect yourself financially. This begins with talking with a divorce attorney to learn your rights and what you are entitled to. Don’t trust your spouse, his demands, or his reassurances. You need to hear from an objective party to support yourself strategically. Learn more and keep taking steps on this detailed divorce checklist for women.

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Legalese can be baffling. For example, do you know the difference between a divorce decree and a divorce certificate?

 

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Consulting experts to assist with the legal, financial, and psychological aspects is … critical. Don’t expect your lawyer to be your emotional crutch. Besides working with an attorney, I chose a divorce coach to educate and support me holistically through the process, while Janey hoped her lawyer could do double duty and handle the legal and emotional aspects of separation.

Accept That Divorce Means Change

Sure, we’re in the 21st century, but men still hold most of the cards regarding separation. Globally, a husband is usually the breadwinner, while the wife is charged with raising the children and caring for the home, or juggling a career and baby-minding simultaneously. Stay-at-home moms experience an economic hit for the sacrifice they’ve made stepping out of the workforce. And when it’s time to rejoin the workforce, they face an upward battle getting hired. When they do get hired, their incomes are way behind what their Ex is making (after years of being in the workforce). Related to this, men still earn more than women in the workplace despite this disparity being constantly addressed.

While more and more men in the US are bearing the burden of single parenthood, the fact is that more women than men are single parents. It’s far more difficult for women to make ends meet in this situation.

So please do not be naïve. 

Most women bear a heavier financial burden as a result of divorce. In fact, according to divorce statistics, the average woman experiences at least a 30% drop in her standard of living compared to men. Men have a 10% increase! 

What can you do now as you face divorce or are dealing with it?

Make sure you are focusing on everything you are entitled to. Don’t give up your rights or entitlements just because the divorce is too painful. You cannot afford to.

Make sure you are talking to a divorce lawyer to be informed, educated, and protected. And if there are a lot of assets and debt, it may serve you well to get special attention from a certified divorce financial analyst who will look at how the divorce will impact your money and your future. A CDFA can help you strategize the best financial negotiation.

In Retrospect – What I Didn’t Do After Divorce

Here is a list of what to do after divorce, compared to what I should have done, which would have set me up for a better single lifestyle. Specifically, I will share a few here:

• I didn’t look to the future.
  

  I just focused on the legal battle in front of me. I assumed my Ex would increase my maintenance annually, as our divorce agreement stated. But he didn’t. He kept maintenance the same for 14 years, and I bore the brunt of the bills. Eventually, this took its toll. Years later, I sued him and got some compensation. But by that time, my daughter was 18, and she would have had to sue her dad, too, which I would never ask her to do. S,o we received a fraction of the sum owed me. The good news is that the sum was enough for her to buy a second-hand car to drive to college.

• I didn’t take him to task when he didn’t stick to the divorce agreement.
  

  I was loathe to argue with him and make matters worse for my daughter, so I kept my mouth shut. If I’d addressed the problems as they arose or had money to fight him legally, it may have been easier. Although I remind myself today that it would have been important to always pick my battles and not fight with him on everything.

• I didn’t take financial precautions.
  

  Saving money and having insurance policies in place would have helped me with many of the financial issues that arose. That is one aspect of my life I should have addressed more seriously. I also should have started talking to a financial person earlier in my life to learn how to take care of myself financially.

What I Did Right

• I ensured my child felt as secure in our single-parent family as those kids she went to school with who had two parents at home! I am very proud of this and think it’s one of my biggest achievements ever!
• While I could still afford it, I took her on summer holidays. (I got creative on being thrifty with holidays and you can, too.)
• We had a happy, busy social life. We invited friends and family over for dinner to celebrate religious holidays, birthdays, etc. I did make extra efforts to entertain and open ourselves up to other people. I am grateful to the people who made and make our lives so robust and joyful.
• Although I had full custody, I ensured my child had a relationship with her father and spent every other weekend with him.
• I never criticized her dad or his lifestyle. And we never argued in front of her. I saw the importance of her relationship with him and didn’t try to influence her feelings in any way. The result? They are close, despite the divorce.
• On birthdays, we celebrated together as a family over a meal. She sat in the middle, with a parent on either side, and we split the bill.
• We honored each other’s important holidays. We were of different religions, so celebrating Christmas and Easter was always with her dad, while she spent Jewish New Year and Passover with my family.

So, What Should You Do?

What is the truth about life after divorce? Every situation is unique. Every personality is different, and every family dynamic differs, too. This is why it’s important to have seasoned, expert assistance with the legal and financial aspects of separation and divorce. And the emotional side! This advice should be centered on YOU and your circumstances. Not someone else’s divorce story or generalities generated by Google or some AI app.

How to handle divorce as a woman? Get qualified help. Don’t rely on just the kindness of family and friends who have no training in divorce. You need mentors, the right professionals to help you understand what you’re going through and to offer specific advice geared to your particular circumstances.

That’s why I am an advocate of divorce coaches, who are usually divorce survivors themselves and who have invested in learning how to lead others through it smartly and compassionately.

Conclusion

There’s no right or wrong way to handle divorce as a woman because each situation is unique. But with preparation, guidance, and knowledge, it can be a far smoother ride. Nobody says it’s easy – it isn’t. You can’t go into a divorce with blinkers on – you need survival skills. But, as with any traumatic experience, you will make it to the other side. I bravely show off my battle scars today. They have made me who I am. In hindsight, although there is a lot I could have done to improve the situation, I handled it as best  I could – as will you.

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com

 

Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional, financial, and oftentimes complicated experience of breaking up and reinventing. 

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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”