How to Survive Divorce in 11 Soul-Affirming Ways
You’ve probably heard that half of all marriages in the US end in divorce. That’s not quite true. It’s 43% of all first marriages end in divorce according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Is it a disease, getting divorced? That’s another article. What matters is that divorce is a fact in modern America.
Knowing that you’re not alone doesn’t make it easier, however. Ending a marriage is a life crisis that can feel like a liberation, or more often, one of the most traumatic experiences you’ll ever go through. It’s been equated to the death of someone close to you, or moving house, or starting a new job. Yet, somehow divorce is different. With death, someone close no longer roams this earth and their departure is beyond your doing. With divorce, you don’t usually get that finality. You may continue to bump into your Ex (and their new partner?) at the grocery store just as you were trying to move on and maybe buy the shrimp (he’s allergic too.) Divorce is also a decision made by both partners, or you, or it’s been thrust upon you by your partner for myriad reasons.
5 Reasons Why You Need To Know How to Survive Divorce
Survival is intrinsic to us. Along with our hearts and brains, we need to remind ourselves to use the instincts we’re born with to face what can feel insurmountable.
We are not saying surviving divorce is easy or that you need to look like an animal and flee, fight, or curl into a ball. We are simply reminding you that you have powerful resources within you and outside you. You are stronger than you know.
If it’s your partner who initiates this, it is tougher. Not only do you have to come to terms with ending your marriage, but you have to face the reality that your partner wanted this, whatever their reason. And you may never know the truth.
Consider reading, “6 Ways to Survive Divorce Especially If It’s Not What You Want.”
How do you make yourself stronger? I know – there’s no escaping the anguish, the anxiety, the loneliness, the feelings of loss. But there are ways to emerge more resilient through the pain.
Who are you surviving for?
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For your sake: Life is precious. You are precious. And you can get through this. We promise you.
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For the children’s sake: They didn’t get divorced; you and your Ex did. So make this easier for them. Find a middle ground where you can all get on, regardless. If that’s not possible, then accept the role thrown upon you. You will model the healthiest way to be going forward (despite your Ex). Try to lessen the pain for your kids where you can so they aren’t left affected for the rest of their lives. Being able to withstand such a blow – and having a split family unit is a huge blow – will enable them to cope and get through other hard life experiences. We tell our clients to model to your children what you would like them to do if they ever have to face a crisis or a divorce themselves down the road.
If you can relate to it (we’re sorry) — consider reading, “41 Ways to Coparent with a Narcissist.”
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For your health: Your emotional and physical well-being have been impacted by this crisis – that’s what a crisis does! Ask yourself how was your body faring in the marriage. And how will you help your body recover now? Make sure you’ve connected with your doctors to tend to yourself. It will be hard to help your children cope if you are not well. Just as it’s important not to be hard on the kids, it’s also important to take it easy yourself and help yourself repair and recover.
For smart, action-oriented things to do, read our important “46 Steps to Ensure Your Divorce Recovery: A Definition and a Guide.”
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For a second chance: Second chances are glorious! Everybody deserves a second chance, and this is yours. If your outlook on life is hopeful and positive, you’re more likely to get through this and to a better place.
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To evolve and grow: If you do the work, you will emerge stronger and more resilient, despite how you currently feel. Remember: nothing is permanent. Your situation will change, and your feelings won’t stay the same. Help those feelings get processed and move into kind action for yourself.
How to Survive Divorce in 11 Soul-Affirming Ways
Yes, you can survive divorce. You WILL survive divorce. With a little help, support, and guidance. Let’s break some of our suggestions down, starting with your attitude, day by day:
1. One step at a time.
Don’t try and look at the big picture or do everything at once: take it slow, one step at a time. If you break down your day into small, manageable portions, you’re more likely to get through doing what you have to do without falling apart. If you have kids to look after, they need to know you’re managing so that they can cope, too. The more you achieve, the more confident you will be that you can endure this.
2. Let it go.
Nothing good will happen to you until you process the hurt, the pain, the devastation. There will be good days and bad days: it’s all part of the journey of getting to your new life. We know letting it go is not easy, that’s the work in front of you. If you are riddled with grief, and grief is a natural feeling whether you initiated the divorce or not, find support for working through it and your pain. Connect with a therapist, or a coach, or join a group focused on healing, or investigate The Grief Recovery Institute and its method. Grief is human.
Read, “Will the Pain of Divorce Ever Go Away?”
The importance of being positive
3. Being positive is the only way forward.
Try to look at this experience from a positive perspective. What is good about it? It’s a new life, a new beginning, a chance to reinvent yourself however you want. Many people in this world never have the opportunity to reset and decide who they want to be going forward. You do. It’s a privilege.
4. Manifest a happy, pain-free future for all of you.
Stop looking in the rearview mirror and replaying, replaying what you know. You will help yourself by looking for the sun in front of you. You will help those who love you and are concerned about you by being positive. You will help your kids no matter their age. The harder you try, the greater it will manifest, and the stronger you will become.
5. Change your view of happiness.
What happiness means to you may change. You may be straining now, as the marriage ends, but there was a time when you were happy together, and even BEFORE you were together. You can be happy again. Remind yourself of that; it’s important if you want to get through this rollercoaster experience. You are not, and never were only the definition of a marriage. Ask yourself what is something you always wanted to do but never could because you were married, or caregiving to someone. Take a solo trip, reconnect with an old friend, or learn how to drive a motorcycle. Find that thing and see if it still calls you, and do it!
For some kick-ass inspiration,
read “100 Must Do’s for the Newly Divorced Independent Woman”.
How to survive divorce when kids are involved
It’s hard enough surviving a divorce on your own, but when kids are involved, it can certainly become heavier. Think about how they will cope and ensure they can adapt as easily as possible to their new lifestyle. Being strong for the kids gets easier with time.
6. Create a happy, secure family unit.
When I got divorced, I believed a happy single-parent family was better for kids than a dysfunctional family with Mom and Dad. I created a happy existence for the 2 of us. Nothing was missing: we were a whole family unit that comprised the 2 of us and our 2 cats. It may be hard in the beginning, but it will get easier and your new normal. Be disciplined with them and with yourself. Set boundaries so that you have time alone, too. They need to know that you’ll always be there for them but that you are a woman too. Not just a mom.
Find out how other women coped in “Life After Divorce: Finding My Footing in Year One”.
7. Don’t involve the kids in your battles.
Your children need to feel secure and know that both of you love them, regardless of the break-up. You cannot and should not interfere with their relationship with their other parent. They love both of you. Don’t let them witness your arguments. Encourage their love for your former partner. It’s healthy. They didn’t divorce him; you did.
Check out our many coparenting articles on the SAS for Women website to explore how to handle your particular challenges (or hell), whether you feel like you have to parent your Ex through this, or your child refuses to go to the other parent’s house, or you worry that your child is starting to talk like their father (déjà vu). There is no one easy solution for coparenting and in some cases, it’s not even possible. But by learning how to address situations most healthily, even if it’s just you doing it, your kids will come to respect and trust you. And above all, they will feel safe.
How to Survive Divorce With an Extended Family
8. Make your new family dynamic work.
There may come a time when one partner, or both, will remarry. Second marriages usually come with kids attached. The adjustment for your kids – and your new partner’s – is another dynamic that you have to work through. But it is possible to get this to work. Take Nadine, 61, whose 3 grown-up sons have a new set of siblings since she married her second husband, Ian, a year ago.
“I never foresaw us having family holidays together, but this has become an annual event, and we all have such fun. It was easier because Ian has daughters around the same age as my boys. We never thought they would get on as well as they have, but we’ve just returned from our second summer holiday together, and it was an epic adventure! The kids all brought partners, and this giant extended family had the time of our lives!”
You are not alone
You don’t have to cross this bridge over troubled waters alone. Reaching out for the right kind of help is one of the keys to making yourself stronger.
9. Seek support.
The good members of your family, the stalwart friends will help you get through the bad days and celebrate the good ones with you. You’ll be surprised who steps forward: those you least expect will be there for you. Take full advantage; they are there to give you the love you need as you and the kids move through the difficult phase of adjusting, and those good ones will be there when you reach the other side.
10. Find those with the knowledge to assist.
Look for people who can help and mentor you. If you haven’t heard it yet, you will. As you start to finalize the divorce document, a lot of people will begin asking if you are dating yet. Will you get married again? These people mean well (usually) but they are transferring their own story onto you. They want to see you back in the box of convention. Married-up. Marrying right out of the shoot is not the best practice, we are here to say.
Taking advantage of the pause after divorce is an opportunity for you to find out just who you are after this crisis. Sadly, a lot of society doesn’t understand that. Maybe they are part of the 57 percent who never experienced divorce. Instead, find women who have also been through divorce and survived; they will give you the perspective and inspiration you need to carry on even when the going gets tough. This stage after divorce is an important one, meant for you to explore yourself and the world outside. Don’t be in a rush to partner-up, when partnering with yourself is truly the goal. Check out our unusual community of Paloma’s Group, designed for women rebuilding their most conscious, meaningful lives after divorce.
Take Care of Number One
11. Invest in you.
If you’re not OK, physically and emotionally, it will be much harder to get through this experience and to help your children sail through. Eat well, exercise, reward yourself with a manicure, or have your hair done. These little touches can lift us and reinforce our stepping out toward the sun. Joan, 56, gave herself a full makeover when she got divorced. “I cut my hair and bought myself a new wardrobe with clothes that looked and felt good. Not only that, I moved into a new home. Life was different from Day One. I joined a Pilates class, discovered new friends, and created a different and exciting social life. I was me – just freer. And I think that has made all the difference in the world.”
Conclusion
What you can look forward to
There is life after divorce. Your life.
If you stay committed to yourself, and do the work that helps you metabolize all you’ve been through you will arrive in a different place. A place where your heart, your brain, your body, and yes, your soul will feel reunified. No longer will you be broken pieces or shards of glass on the floor. You may be financially less strong than before, but what you have is yours. Consulting with someone else to determine what you will do, when you will do it, or how you will live your days is a thing of the past. As a mother, you may have to think about your children, but you own your choices and your life. And with that comes a tremendous release. Freedom.
Sound like heaven? Be patient… you’ll get there. Just take it one step at a time.
NOTES
Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in a cottage in Johannesburg, South Africa with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com
Since 2012, smart women around the world have chosen SAS for Women to partner with them through the emotional and oftentimes complicated experience of divorce. We invite you to learn what’s possible for you and your precious life. Schedule your FREE 15-minute consultation with SAS now.
*SAS continues to support same-sex and nonbinary marriage. In this article, however, we refer to your spouse as husband/he/him.
