How to Talk to a Narcissist Without Going Crazy
Narcissists function on a core frequency of mental dysfunction and psychological avoidance. They don’t want to heal, and they don’t want to change. They don’t want to grow. Therefore, they use a number of tactics to twist and distort reality, which almost always results in you being misperceived (that is, if you give them the power to do so). Because of this, there are some important things to remember about how to talk to a narcissist.
How do you not give them the power?
Here are the best three things to do when talking to a narcissist, so you don´t go crazy. You might also want to read this article first, to train your brain to choose happiness as a preparation.
Remember That Nothing is Personal!
Firstly, you must remember that nothing is personal. From a holistic or even spiritual perspective, we may be “all one,” all mirrors of one another, but with a narcissist, this is not true. A narcissist is ruled by a whole new set of rules and behaviors deemed unacceptable by the rest of us.
As much as we don’t like to demonize people on this site (even people as diabolical as narcissists), they do have mental disorders, i.e. they sincerely believe it’s ok to project, be nasty, and emotionally blackmail or manipulate their victims. They are under the impression that projection is normal.
Projection is essentially a form of negative or harmful mirroring; it is putting stories, labels, and more often than not, false identities and characteristics onto another. In the narcissist’s case, they project their mean-spirited, deceptive, controlling, abusive, and somewhat crazy ways onto you. Understanding this is the first step to being able to speak to them without going crazy. Don’t take it personally!
Know from the start that they are not well, they are actually quite ill, therefore any attempt at destroying your self-esteem, self-worth, etc. should not be taken personally – they were like this before they met you. Either take it lightly, see the light-heartedness in life and communication, or walk away entirely.
The key is to not engage. How do you deal or talk with a narcissist? The short answer is try to avoid it at all costs.
Please know I would never, ever, give you this advice in any other circumstance. However, the only way you can deal with a narcissist without going crazy – or without being bullied and belittled – is to play small. Make them feel that you are giving them what they want, let them think they are the bigger, better, more intelligent, and overall, more talented person.
A narcissist’s entire identity is wrapped into their social facade. This is their mask, and remember that any attempt at uncovering their mask and revealing their true colors puts them in instant “gaslight” or “attack” mode. It is a small price to play, playing small to save yourself abuse and the hassle of having to get dragged into their chaos and slander.
By staying centered and telling yourself you don’t need to engage or explain yourself, you are free to smile inside and in silence.
Silence is extremely powerful. People who are also intuitive and experienced with BS and manipulation will sense this about you. Others can see and sense when someone is being modest, playing humble, appeasing someone because of some hidden manipulation, or trying to protect themselves from a destructive person’s anger and subtle abuse. Subtlety is the keyword here.
Be subtle and hold the vision of your higher self in the background. You don’t need to show off your amazing abilities and qualities. Doing so will only act as fuel for the narcissist!
Also, be mindful of the fact that gaslighting, a narcissist’s main tactic, relies on emotional involvement. If you don’t give them any emotional attachment or debate, they can’t possibly start a fight or argument with you. Again, narcissism is defined by a need for energy and exchange; if there´s no exchange, there´s no bond, so they cannot harm you.
Patience, Patience, Patience…
The importance of patience cannot be emphasized enough. It is like interacting with a child. Narcissists throw temper tantrums, lash out, and can be totally irrational. They’re ruled by a need for constant attention and admiration and have very weak emotional strength and empathy. You need to be patient with them or you’ll be at risk of getting pulled into their out-of-control and fiery current.
Imagine speaking to a toddler or young child, who is still learning and growing in the world. It’s difficult, right? It must be hard to communicate and live around so many adults who have years and years of experience more than you… This is basically a narcissist, so they require patience, dignity, and humility. How to talk to a narcissist? If you must do so, stay connected to your light with the utmost integrity.
If you are divorcing this personality type, you must read “7 Must Knows When Divorcing a Narcissist.“
If they begin to project, shout, or become truly abusive, then you can walk away; you do not have to tolerate emotional, psychological, or any other abuse. Yet, until then, give them the intention they need, with boundaries, and stay focused on your inner light and the qualities that are expanding.
Talking to a narcissist is like a self-evaluation test in itself because you have to remain strong and channel energy into your strengths. These strengths may include kindness, tolerance, compassion, wisdom, silence, passivity combined with strength (never, ever lose your boundaries), intuition, and the ability to listen, and respect.
Have respect for the human condition; we’re all flawed even though narcissists may just be a little farther gone than the rest of us. Just don’t fall into the trap of losing your boundaries. The moment you do this, you’ve lost! It is a chance for them to do all the horrible things mentioned above.
If the father of your children is a narcissist, check out this piece: “41 Things to Remember When Coparenting with a Narcissist.”
One of the narcissist’s major tricks is the art of gaslighting, which is making you feel crazy or delusional through their lies and manipulation. Assuming you are an empathic, sensitive, emotionally intelligent, and open person (as this is who narcissists tend to choose as their mates/victims), you will naturally be vulnerable and authentic with them, at least to begin with.
You may take pride in your emotional strength and wisdom, and rightfully so, however with the narcissist, don’t let them know you’ve sussed them out, as this will be hell for you! Do be subtle and self-protective while appeasing them, until the interaction has reached the point of no return (they really don’t want to stop their games) and you have no choice but to walk away. Simply don’t give them any emotional involvement or opportunity for attachment.
Remember: the narcissist is on some spectrum of crazy, deranged, and delusional, yet s/he will make you out to be these things. All of their schemes and antics rely on projection, a lack of patience on your behalf, and the hope that you will take their manipulations personally, and therefore attach to them.
Grace Gabriella Puskas is a passionate Reiki Master, Astrologer, Dream therapist/interpreter, Holistic Healer, and Herbalist. She is also a visionary poet and published author, who enjoys gardening, caring for others, healing the earth, and creating educational & spiritual videos (free) on Youtube. You can connect with Grace by visiting her website here.