How Your Divorce Emotions Can Cost You Financially
It’s true that feelings play such a big part in our lives. From the unbridled joy of finding that one special person you wish to share the rest of your life with, to the overwhelming emotions you feel when you realize that your marriage has come to an end.
But what part do our emotions play when going through a divorce? And why is it something we need to consider? This article will look at a common mistake many women make and how emotion-driven decision-making can cost us financially in the divorce process.
This is just one of the five common financial mistakes people make when getting divorced. This subject recently formed a discussion piece, in which The Wall Street Journal consulted several divorce experts, among them, SAS for Women founder, Liza Caldwell.
How Can Our Divorce Emotions Affect Us Financially?
That’s the funny thing with emotions: they’re unpredictable, and we don’t always understand why we feel a certain way. We can be instantly whipped up by them and do things on impulse. Or conversely, they can create conflict within, perhaps leading us to overthink things and cloud our judgment.
Divorce can create a complex mix of emotions in us. Everything from denial or relief, sadness or anger, to revenge, guilt, fear, anxiety, or just plain confusion. For some women, there is an all-consuming desire to get one over on their Ex and win at all costs, no matter how long it takes, and all without a second thought about the realities of their financial situation. Or it could be that the mixed emotional fog it generates make it difficult to focus on simple solutions that would speed up the divorce process. For others, it might be a reluctance to face the music, putting off the inevitable, and thereby extending the divorce timeline. Either way, such emotionally charged thinking will undoubtedly drag the legalities out and cost you more in the long run.
Don’t Overburden Your Lawyer with Your Divorce Emotions
Taking charge of your emotions is crucial. It can be tempting to spill the beans to anyone who will listen on how badly you’ve been treated, he said this; he did that; and now he wants…And, while there are clear benefits in sharing our feelings, we need to choose our confidants carefully. By all means, talk to a friend, or if you need professional help, learn what divorce coaching is all about. But please don’t make the mistake of pouring out your heart and soul to your lawyer. The whys and wherefores of your relationship don’t really count for much in the eyes of the law.
You’re getting divorced, and your lawyer’s aim is to ensure you get a fair settlement. They are there to guide you through the legal process and look after your financial estate, nothing more. Make the most of your lawyer’s time by asking well-prepared questions about your priorities and having all relevant documents to hand. Never forget the well-known saying, Time is money.
Read here to get anchored and learn what the best questions are to ask a divorce attorney at a consultation.
There is a tsunami of information on the internet that advises couples to settle their divorce through mediation or through a DIY divorce. Be careful. Talk to a lawyer. As a woman, you need to get educated legally on what your rights are and what you are entitled to. Don’t jump to “Having your day in court!” You might think that would allow you to redress the hurt you’ve endured, but it will significantly increase your divorce bill. From a financial aspect, the legal eagles will more than likely come out on top.
Agree to Disagree
All the experts agree that the best outcomes are when things are done in a calm and controlled manner.
Even if it’s been a toxic marriage, or you are too afraid to divorce, if you can keep your emotions out of the equation, you’ll be better set up to recognize a fair deal when it’s on the table. Don’t let feelings of fear, anger, or spitefulness, or a desire for redress control your decision-making, no matter how justified you may be. I know this is easier said than done, but keep your professional head on and try to separate your feelings from the legalities and concentrate on making clear and logical steps forward. If you are struggling with keeping your emotions in check, there are many avenues you can take, from meeting with a divorce coach, a seasoned therapist, to exploring the right divorce support groups, to practicing mindfulness techniques.
Experience has shown that when a couple approaches divorce with a calm mindset, the overall results will be much better for them. You may well be thinking, It’s not me, it’s him! And while it’s true that there’s no accounting for someone else’s behavior, oftentimes keeping a cool head while having a respectful and frank discussion can help align both parties in the interests of long-term financial and emotional benefits. One woman shared her thoughts about recovering financially following a divorce: “Don’t get stuck in anger. You’ll just make everyone’s (including your own) lives a misery.”
How do you support yourself both mindfully, healthily, and STRATEGICALLY? Check out this divorce checklist designed for women in particular.
Divorce Emotions and Assets
Usually, the biggest assets are, of course, houses and pensions. Understandably, some women have an emotional attachment to their home and very often willingly trade a share of their husband’s pension so that they can continue to live there. ( Read “Should You Keep the House During Divorce?”) At first glance, dividing things equally may seem fair, but there is often more to consider. Take time to think about what owning a property really involves, including mortgage payments, repairs, maintenance, and taxes. In the long run, pensions are often worth more than houses. But what about the less expensive items?
How do you know what is what, and its value? And if you are being emotional? Check out this piece, “Smart Moves for Women: A Financial Consultation for a Divorce.”
Have you ever got so lost in something trivial that, before you know it, an hour has passed, maybe two? Just the other day, I got so wrapped up sifting through social media posts that I was almost late for an appointment. Similarly, our emotions can prolong the divorce process, and all the while, the clock is quietly ticking away. Oftentimes, disputes arise over small inconsequential issues that can result in drawn-out legal ping-pong battles between lawyers.
With the help of your legal adviser, identify what matters most to you and avoid getting pulled into long disputes over sentimental items. This can include arguments over photos, ornaments, or furniture. In one case, a judge was even asked to divide a couple’s collection of Beanie Babies. Often, nostalgia masks deeper emotions like anger or revenge, which can quickly add time and cost to your legal bill.
Divorce: How Long is Too Long?
On average, a divorce in the U.S. lasts anywhere from a few months to a year. While every case is unique, a major factor is whether a couple can reach an amicable settlement.
All this made me kind of curious as to the record for the longest U.S. divorce. According to The New York Post, it’s 21 years! The Purpura vs. Purpura case was concluded in 1988, but the legal proceedings lasted for another 17 years. The dispute dragged on because one or both parties were too emotionally invested and didn’t know when to draw the line. At the time, Nicholas Purpura admitted, “This divorce has destroyed me financially.” He added, “But I won’t stop fighting, even if I have to live in a pup tent.” A clear case of emotions overruling any rational thought. Then there’s a couple in India whose divorce lasted 69 years, but that’s another story. Let’s leave the final word to Jill. When asked about emotions, finances, divorce, and the future, she said: “The best revenge is a life well lived.”
NOTES
If you’re dealing with divorce, remember SAS for Women. Since 2012, we’ve been helping women consider … navigate … and rebuild after divorce.
Options include educational programs, divorce groups, virtual events, specialized coaching, and a FREE 6-month, weekly coaching letter dedicated to your journey.
SAS also provides a free website with 400+ articles focused on the woman’s journey through divorce.
Finding out how others survive and go on to lead full, meaningful lives after a divorce is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. Trust us.
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*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or a “he.”
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