My Experience of Parallel Parenting as a Mother

I never realized that what my daughter experienced after our divorce was parallel parenting. To my Ex, his parental duties included paying a pitiful amount of child support for my child from the age of four when we divorced till she turned 18, a sum that he never increased by one cent. He thought he had the right to see her every single Sunday, too, except when he was too busy or otherwise occupied. And he never took her to or from school. Neither did he attend parent evenings at school or other important social events where the family was invited.

What is Parallel Parenting?

Parallel parenting is often the solution for divorced parents who have had an acrimonious divorce, or when it’s difficult for them to agree on various subjects, like education, expectations of children’s behavior, or rules about sleeping over at friends’, etc. This parenting type allows Mom and Dad to parent their individual way, without having to constantly discuss or coordinate how they each are doing it with the other parent. Especially important is the fact that they are not communicating regularly. Chances are, they cannot. There’s too much tension or strife between the parents.

We know that children best benefit after a divorce when there is greater peace and calm in their home lives. Parallel parenting lets parents parent without having to interact regularly, so their relationships with their kids remain on an even keel despite Mom and Dad’s separate involvement.

This is often the solution to high-conflict divorces, or when one or both of the parents are difficult personalities. While the divorce may be officially finished, the ongoing difficulties between the parents cannot be overcome for whatever reason.

Parallel parenting is not traditional co-parenting per se, which we’ll discuss below.  It’s different because of the personalities involved.

My Experience of Parallel Parenting

I had sole custody in the divorce because my Ex’s drinking was out of control, and with proof, I was able to request this as part of my settlement. So it happens that my Ex never took our daughter away on holidays, and she never, ever, slept over at his house on weekends or when I was on business trips.

When Parenting Was Left to Me

Her father certainly didn’t “parent” her the same way that I did. In my case, I sought counseling and advice from professionals on how to parent her throughout her childhood. And, in many ways, I was considered quite strict compared to other parents at school. Sadly, my Ex didn’t seem to care about “parenting” her at all, from the day the divorce was finalized (and even before). That was my job, it seems he thought. He did whatever he wanted, or didn’t want to do, throughout her childhood. But that, in a nutshell, is what “parallel parenting” entails for our lives.

When His Absence Started to Show

As her father had a busy workload and a hectic social life (his words, not mine), parallel parenting didn’t enter the conversation.  But his lack of interest became a problem as she grew up, and the scars from his not attending or participating in her life events remain to this day. When he later remarried and had another child, there was a huge difference in his parenting style towards his younger daughter. (I know this because his second wife and I had an amicable relationship, and we used to discuss these things.)

A Different Father in a Different Life

In his second marriage, my Ex didn’t practice “parallel parenting”. He was fully engaged as a parent.  He attended all his children’s important social and school functions at his second wife’s insistence, and this discrepancy in his attitude towards both daughters further damaged our daughter’s self-esteem.  For a long time, she was a shy, withdrawn eight-year-old, and it took many hours in therapy to regain her confidence.

Learning More about Parallel Parenting

His “parenting” His Way, and my parenting My Way was “parallel parenting,” I’ve learned. This approach doesn’t always involve both parents sharing equal loads; instead, it involves both parents parenting their children as each sees fit.

What Parallel Parenting Really Looks Like

Parallel parenting is often a deliberate strategy. It involves each parent following their own approach to how to “parent” after divorce, when the children are with them. Parallel parenting also means both parents may not be at the same events, appointments, or functions. Only one parent may be there, because bringing the parents together would cause difficulties, especially for the child.

Divorced parents might create a checklist of which events they will attend, but in my case, it was simple: I went to all of them, and my child’s father was disengaged; he attended none.

When Communication Is Limited

In parallel parenting, the parents don’t communicate with each other about their individual parenting methods or how they spend time with the child. In fact, the parents don’t discuss much. And when they do communicate, it’s often at arm’s length. It’s via email, text messages, or a parenting app like Family Wizard. But I would think that, to invest in an app, both parents would be motivated by their children’s best interests. Both would want to try, on some level, to do right by their kids. A big ask, with no answer, when it came to my Ex.

What Happens in an Ideal Scenario

In a best-case scenario, post-divorce, it would seem natural that both parents would spend time together, carefully considering, researching, and planning how to raise their children after divorce. However, in many cases, mine included, both parents don’t always do this. Of course, many parents care about their kids’ well-being, and both try to lessen the distress and anxiety the kids experience because their parents live apart. These parents take steps from the start of the separation to diminish the pain involved and help their children and themselves through the divorce recovery and building a new normal. This could include an agreed-upon way of parenting going forward, and an understanding of what and what not each parent will do.

Sadly, my daughter never benefited from this.

Parallel Parenting v. Co-parenting

Parallel parenting is not the classic co-parenting model. Let me explain the difference.

In the ideal world of co-parenting, a divorced couple shares parental duties. Co-parents discuss their kids’ problems with each other and try to reach a mutual solution, whereas in parallel parenting, this would never happen; each parent would handle these issues separately, in their own way.

So, it’s likely that in a healthy co-parenting situation, both parents would attend school, social, and religious functions together as a unified front.

This is a type of “shared” parent involvement. This differs from “parallel” parenting, when each parent makes their own decision about whether to attend the event or not. The messages to the children are not unified.

There’s a distinct difference between parenting alone or together, and sadly, not discussing important aspects of your child’s life, such as religion and education, can negatively impact kids in the long run. Certainly, when one of the parents is dysfunctional, resulting in a toxic marriage, as was my experience with my Ex, one has to do what is best for the child. This involved me doing the parenting, and her wayward father living his life.

I swore that my daughter would grow up in a home as secure and comforting as those of her school friends, in a two-parent family. I was an independent woman, but she never woke up to a strange man in my bed (she slept in my bed until she was 12, anyway; so that was impossible!). My best friends, Jill and Steve, who had a daughter the same age, were the ideal example of a happy, secure, functional family, and we followed their lead every way we could.

No family is 100% perfect, before or after divorce, but I believe I gave her the best environment I could, and she certainly thrived as she grew older. In fact, as an adult, I’ve admired how she has negotiated relationships, taking into account her own life experience.  She has an inner wisdom about protecting herself and not ignoring red flags!

The Benefits of Parallel Parenting

While it may sound all doom and gloom, I can tell you firsthand that there are benefits to a parallel parenting arrangement. Here are a few.

• Far less conflict between the parents and thus, less stress experienced by the child.
• I had full control of my time with my daughter and could raise her as I thought best.
• When I was unsure of what to do, I sought advice from reliable professionals, not her other parent. I think this advanced her healthy development.
• She grew up in a predictable, safe environment, which reduced confusion for her.
• Putting her first and foremost, and not being distracted by her other parent, I grew strong as a woman, a mother, and as her best advocate.

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Parallel Parenting Done Right

Syd, 57, and Bea, 54, from Manhattan, are an aging, parallel-parenting couple. Bea is pretty intense as a person and has definite opinions on how things must go in her life and with her children.  My observations of her while they were married were that Bea was very critical of Syd in all ways. He could never do things right. She didn’t respect his opinions or his instincts as a father.  It’s not surprising that soft-spoken Syd couldn’t take it anymore, and they got divorced down the road. It’s not surprising either that this resulted in a parallel parenting arrangement, because Bea just couldn’t let go of her ongoing rage about Syd.

For the sake of the kids and everybody, they “agreed” to just do their best individually with their kids, but not pretend that they could ever reach common ground. To their credit, they did choose to live a few blocks from each other, so the kids could access either one of them easily and move freely between the homes.  I also think that if one went out of town, the other would pick up the slack and assume custody of the kids. So there had to be a modicum of communication between mom and dad.

I heard that years after their divorce, with their kids being older and applying to college, both Syd and Bea agreed to let the kids decide where they wanted to go to school. On that, they were united, too.  Perhaps the years since the divorce had softened the tensions. But I think it took parallel parenting to allow each one to recover their sanity and step into who they really wanted to be as individuals.  I’ll bet their kids are feeling relieved.

When Parallel Parenting Goes Wrong

It’s important for at least one parent to fully engage in parenting after a divorce.  I think back to my school friend, Sally, who was much neglected growing up. Sally’s divorced mom worked long hours in a call center, and her father had disappeared when she was very young. So, Sally had plenty of time to get into trouble, and as she got older, that “trouble” included an abortion and drug abuse.

I know that Sally isn’t a great example. In her case, there was virtually no parenting. And not all children end up in chaos. But Sally was one of the unlucky ones. Today, she’s a retired actress living in LA. She did eventually marry, but divorced when her son, Stan, 36, was eight years old. Stan now lives in Canada and is about to marry his childhood sweetheart. Sally’s Ex is not invited to the wedding.

Conclusion

Joint decisions about kids’ welfare are always the best way forward. The children feel more secure when they observe their parents, putting their individual differences aside,  and communicating with a shared interest in what is healthiest for the kids. Unfortunately, people get divorced for a reason, and the results may mean that they can no longer realistically abide each other’s company or unite for the sake of the kids.  It may be unhealthy or even dangerous for the parents to connect or try; in which case, to lessen ongoing conflict and stress, parallel parenting may be the best structure to put in place. Consider reading “41 Things to Know if Co-parenting with a Narcissist.”

If that’s you, don’t beat yourself up, and stop trying to reach the unattainable goal of a balanced co-parenting situation. It will only frustrate and emotionally trigger you – something that is not good for your kids either. Lean into being the best parent you can be with the time you have with your children. Leverage your resources to build yourself up. Find your people who can support you.

Consider a divorce coach or co-parenting coach who specializes in helping clients recover after a high-conflict divorce.  I think about how sad I felt for my daughter at different times of her growing up, that she really only had me as her parent. And then I remember so well what a beloved boss told me at the time. She said, “You don’t really bring up kids; they do the work themselves when they have at least one strong parent helping them along the way.”

NOTES

Sharon Preston is a writer and editor. She has edited numerous lifestyle magazines and ghostwritten several books. She lives in Johannesburg, South Africa, with her two cats. You can connect with Sharon here: sharpreston1234@gmail.com

 

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