True Life Signs of a Silent Divorce in a Woman

Are you living inside a marriage that, from all outward appearances, looks entirely normal, appropriate, even, and fine to the rest of the world? But inside the house, and even deeper, inside your inner world, you are detached, separated, and living as mere roommates with your spouse? Is it just the way things are? You and your husband have grown into this arrangement, not so much consciously, or having discussed it honestly, but bit by bit over the years; it’s how you’ve learned to cope. Or have you and your spouse consciously agreed, if quietly between you, that things have changed? There is no intimacy; you sleep in separate rooms. You socialize separately, and you travel without him.  Your finances may be disconnected and divided. You might speak rarely, relying on texting to discuss the most basic and sometimes more complicated things. 

This “partnership” is not what you signed up for when you first married. It’s not the stuff of romantic myths or storybooks, but it’s what many women like you are living with today. And while you might not know it, there’s a term for it – as reluctantly as you might own it. It is called a Silent Divorce. In this article, we’ll discuss what the signs of a silent divorce in a woman are, to normalize but not okay it — unless you must.

Signs of a Silent Divorce in a Woman

There are varying interpretations of a silent divorce. However, fundamentally, you remain legally married, while emotionally and mentally, you are certainly not.  There is the suggestion that it has replaced the once common expression, “We’re roommates,” but it says nothing about how miserable you might be, yet unable or unwilling to leave. 

While the roommate expression implies you are living in a sexless marriage, but that you are both comfortable with the circumstances, a silent divorce insinuates you want to leave, but you can’t or won’t for whatever reason, mainly financial.

Your spouse might not even realize what is happening (or is in denial), whilst you continue to withdraw and avoid being in the same space for too long.  It also seems that this term “silent divorce” has become more obvious post the Covid lockdown, when people realized how truly unhappy they were, penned in, together.

When You Start to Recognize Yourself in It

During my research for this article, I couldn’t help but keep reflecting on my personal story, the years leading up to my official divorce.  Sometimes today (–when I am brave), I look back in my journal of those years, and, with hindsight, can see that my unhappy marriage, and especially my behavior in it, had all the signs of a silent divorce. I am in a much healthier place today as an independent woman, but I can’t help but feel for other women who are living with a silent divorce today, doing their best to cope, but unable to share with the outside world what is really happening. I quote one of those old journal messages to myself: 

“The noise in my head is screaming like a thrash metal band.

But my voice is silent.”

Because, back there, I felt alone. I had no idea there was an expression for it, other than blaming myself or him, and resigning my life to living with “my brother.”

Can you relate?

The Quiet Breakdown of a Marriage

The demise of your marriage can be slow and not obvious until it feels like there is no way to repair the damage done. There is no active and engaged conflict, sometimes, probably because you are doing your best to communicate as little as possible. You avoid intimacy in all forms, no longer entering the home and giving your spouse a peck on the cheek or a squeeze of the shoulder.  As silent as this may be to each other, and to the world — which thinks you are doing just fine, the subtle indicators are flashing that your marriage is over. 

You’ve given up.

My Story: Living with the Blinking Signs of a Silent Divorce

I share with you a specific memory of my marriage, condensed from my journal, in the hope that it helps you, dear Reader, find your way to a healthier place.

For some reason, I chose Kate to offload to. She was some random lady in my yoga class on a Sunday morning. She had asked me to join her for a matcha latte, and I remember laughing and saying, “Something stronger, perhaps?” When we sat down, I can still recall how she looked at me, seemingly through me, and asked if I was ok. 

Ugh, was it that obvious that a stranger knew I was not?

Something about her gentle personality gave me the space and time to open up.  I didn’t know I was holding on to so much.  Kate knew I was married. She was happily married, it turned out. And while I could have kept it surface-level (I might have complained about looking for a job and the ageism I was facing, or my worries about the kids being teenagers and what they were going through), I chose to let it out. About Mike. 

When It All Still Looked Normal

Mike and I have been together since our college days. We met in our first week, became study buddies, and then one drunken night fumbled around in bed. Things were awkward for weeks afterwards, and then he blurted out in the library one day, “Let’s do it!” Nike — being a thing back then.  I thought he was funny, and we started “going steady.”  We got married a few years later and after that, had two amazing kids. I worked at first, until staying home to raise them, while Mike took on the responsibility of our financial security.

When Something Started to Shift

It was great, then it was good, then it was mundane for me, until I became constantly anxious before he walked in the door. 

It wasn’t menopause. It was the pause. The moment in my life when I was reevaluating everything. No regrets, not one. He was a fabulous husband, a fantastic father, and he had made the world a safe place for us. (He is good, kind, and generous – even today.) But he stopped seeing me at some point. I was the mother of, the wife of, a woman he continued to see as the girl in her early 20s.

I wasn’t her anymore, and I didn’t want to be. Nor did I want to be there. I was bored. And I was boring.

Did I tell him I was struggling? No. I had no idea until I got slammed with the realization while trying to get something out of the attic. I told Kate that I had always written journals, and that those books, packed away in boxes, reminded me of something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Maybe me?

Did I love Mike? In a familiar way, I did. I do. Do I like Mike? Hard not to. He is a great guy.  I kind of wish he had noticed my decline for me, but he didn’t. I think he was hoping I would sort myself out. Social media kept telling me I needed to communicate, but how do you do that when you are still working yourself out? I didn’t think I wanted to stay married; a part of me was thinking about divorce, but another part was louder: I didn’t want to ruin our family as it was.

Why I Stayed

Divorce wasn’t an option for me back then.

I was too scared to search for answers on the internet, in case I’d start getting pop-up ads for lawyers or mediators. I could have made calls and sent emails without hiding, because Mike never checked my phone or laptop. Why would he when he trusted me completely?

I told myself so many things. Like the kids would hate me forever, and we would have to sell the family home. I would have to retrain myself and find work in a world of sexism and ageism. While I was quite sure Mike wouldn’t cause any battles over money, I knew we couldn’t afford two homes and tuition for the kids. That meant risking both their future and mine.

Then there would be the ‘shame’ looks from friends and family. They would blame my hormones, my selfishness, but they wouldn’t think to blame life.

Choosing to Cope Instead of Leave

Instead of working out how to leave, I was working out how to stay. 

Sex? We rolled over every so often and had that familiar contact. Passion hadn’t been around for far too long.  It had started with me being tired, and was topped off with his medication. We accepted this as life as we aged. And it wasn’t like I was looking for an affair or wild sex.  I just want space to walk away and learn to be me on my own. I was tired.

The Fear of What Could Happen

How would I have felt if he were feeling the same? 

Shocked, scared, worried I would be replaced with a younger, fresher version of me. Someone else would be seeing my kids during his parenting time. The thought made me shudder and further retreat, somehow asking myself over and over again, maybe there was something there to save?  Maybe, but that would mean therapy, and saying out loud to him that I was struggling, and that we weren’t in a safe place … and then he might, God knows, he might end it, and all my fears would come true.

---

---

A Moment of Clarity

I remember how kindly Kate looked at me, how she passed me a paper napkin to dab my eyes and blow my nose. Suddenly, I became aware of how much I had dumped on the table … and on her. Embarrassment crept in. I barely knew her, yet she was so present and without judgment. For the last twenty minutes, I had judged myself while offloading my inner noise. Eventually, I felt better, sighed, and smiled. She smiled back at me, I’ll always remember, and said, “Don’t listen to anyone but yourself. You know inside what is right for you. There are resources out there, places to find out what leaving means, and if you decide to stay, things to occupy yourself with and maybe make the marriage better. You are young, and the world is ahead of you at a slower pace.”

I hugged this kind stranger (this angel?) and headed home. I felt lighter, better than any yoga lesson I had done that past year. 

What to Do If You Recognize These Signs of a Silent Divorce in a Woman, in You?

Ask yourself, what have you done to save your marriage?  What have you done with him to turn things around?  

At SAS for Women, we know that many of our clients have asked their spouses, multiple times, to work on the marriage, either together or with the support of a marriage therapist. Often, their requests have been dismissed, or have resulted in reverting to the old dynamics after a spell, or the marriage counseling has gone nowhere.   Is that you? Let’s remind ourselves that it’s a marriage, and it’s going to take both of you committing to make things better.  You know the cliché, “It takes two to Tango,” and it’s true; it can’t be you doing all the work.

Then you might ask yourself, what have you done to understand your options, other than maintaining the status quo?

This is about exploring your possible independence, without committing to divorce or radically changing things right now.  SAS is a steadfast advocate of you getting educated as a modern woman and understanding your options in a meaningful, granular way. Especially important is learning what the economics would be if you were to change things, and it begins with a very minimum with a consultation asking the right questions of a divorce attorney at a consultation.

If that seems too much for you, and we know this situation well, you would benefit from considering Annie’s Group, an educational program for women like you.

You deserve to discover what ELSE is possible besides the status quo of a silent divorce. Getting educated does not mean you are lunging into a divorce. You are learning wisely what your choices are, instead of filling in the gaps with your fear.

NOTES

Angry Ex Wife is a platform built for anyone navigating the often chaotic, deeply human experience of divorce through real human stories and resources you didn’t know you needed. By sharing your story, you help another person with their divorce journey.

 

If you are looking for traction and agency, know that since 2012, SAS for Women has been helping women consider … navigate … and rebuild after divorce. Options include educational programs, private coaching, divorce groups, virtual events, and a FREE 6-month, weekly coaching letter dedicated to your journey.

SAS also provides a free library with 400+ articles focused on the woman’s journey through and beyond divorce.

Don’t lose touch. Join our tribe now.

 

*We support same-sex marriages. For the sake of simplicity in this article, however, we refer to your spouse as your “husband” or “he.”